- 2 days ago
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, Jasmine Jones, and Mikki Asberry talk about dealing with transition.
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00:00Hey, y'all. Thank you so much for joining us. I am Dr. Joy Harden Bradford. I am a licensed
00:11psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and the creator of Therapy for Black Girls. And I am very excited
00:17to bring you a very special Essence Fest Wellness House version of our Three for Thursday conversation.
00:23So today I am joined by two members of our Yellow Couch Collective. I have Mickey Asbury.
00:30Hey, Mickey. Hi. Thanks for being here, Mickey. You're welcome. How are you? I'm good. I'm good.
00:37Quarantine still, but good. Good. I'm glad to hear that. And then we have Jasmine Jones. Hey, Jasmine.
00:45Hi. Thank you for having me. Thanks so much for being with us. How are you? Doing really good. Thank
00:51you. I'm glad to hear that. So I'm very excited for y'all to join us. So you both are longtime members
00:58of the Therapy for Black Girls community. And so I'm pleased to have you join me with us today
01:02so that we can have our Three for Thursday conversation. So Three for Thursday is typically
01:07where I share three pieces of information to help you to get your life together in some way for the
01:11week. And then we have a little bit of Q&A about whatever is going on with you. So today I thought
01:17it would be really good to talk about transitions. So I know lots of us have had lots of different
01:23transitions over the past couple of weeks. Mickey, you've already shared that you're still
01:27quarantining. Jasmine, I know that you are. I have been as well. And so lots of things have
01:33just gotten gotten really shaken up in the past couple of months. And so I thought it would
01:37be good to chat a little bit about that. Okay. That's good. All right. And of course, I want
01:42to hear all your questions and also am curious about how you have been managing any transitions
01:48that have come up with you. Okay? Okay. All right. So the first thing that I want to remind
01:54you about transitions is that transition can be difficult even when they are things we are
01:59looking forward to. So things like buying a new house, getting married, having a baby,
02:06like all of these things are typically things we're really excited about and looking forward
02:10to, but can also bring an incredible amount of stress, of course. And so even when transitions
02:15or things are expecting and looking forward to, they can still be difficult. So that's the first
02:19thing that I want you to know about transitions. The second thing that I want you to know about
02:23transitions is that in order to really process what it means to go through a transition, you really
02:29have to grieve what was for what's next. Right? And so again, even though things we may be looking
02:37forward to the transition, there's still a piece of us that we're going to have to leave behind.
02:41Right? So when we think about maybe becoming a mom or getting partnered long term, there's a piece
02:47of our lives that are never going to be the same again. And so that type of transition, we have to
02:52grieve what was to get to really look forward to what's next. So that's the second thing. And then the
02:58third thing that I want you to know about transitions is that even though they may be difficult, it doesn't
03:03mean that you've made a mistake. Right? So sometimes I think, and I think this happens, especially when we
03:09have like new jobs, like, so we get on the new job, and we're like, ooh, was this really a good idea?
03:15Right? So we haven't even given ourselves a chance to really get acquainted with a new role and those
03:21kinds of things. And so we start thinking, oh, was this a mistake? But it doesn't necessarily mean
03:25that it was a mistake. It just means that you need to give yourself a little bit more time to wade into
03:30the transition process. So those are the things, like I said, that I want you to know about transitions.
03:35But like I said, also want to hear how you have managed transitions in your life, maybe recent ones
03:41or things in the past. Well, I guess, Dr. Joy, I have a 19 year old and a 20 year old. And as a mom of
03:52boys, just transitioning from the helicopter parent to them kind of being independent. And I think that
04:00how you were just saying that is just navigating that and mourning the fact that they don't really
04:06need mom as much. They're really independent. And my husband and I, well, my husband, of course,
04:10just tries to make sure that, you know, I'm not as helicopter, you know, helicopter parent as much,
04:15but you do have to mourn the fact that they were your baby. You know, and now they can kind of,
04:21you know, drive and do things on their own and have their own checking accounts and stuff like that.
04:26And so I didn't really mourn that fact. And so I kind of sat in the fact of do they need me as much
04:33as they do and things like that. So what you just said, I just took a note here because what you just
04:38said, it really, really helps me just kind of be okay with the fact that it's over, it's done,
04:44move on. And then just also celebrate the fact that this is what you what we're raising. We're raising
04:49adults. Right, right. You know, I just have to remember that and keep reminding myself.
04:56Yeah, you raise a really good point, Nikki, right? Like you can both celebrate and, you know,
05:01be excited about the fact that they are young adults, but also be sad that the babies are gone.
05:05Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about for you, Jasmine? Absolutely. So one of the major transitions
05:15for me was that, you know, within the last two years, like, I got engaged. And then we also have
05:21just been kind of merging lives. And that was a big transition for me, because going from a person
05:27in their 20s, who's just kind of living for themselves, to everything that comes with being
05:33in a relationship, just getting to know another person, getting to know yourself as a person that's
05:38in a relationship, all of that, and then managing your other relationships in your life, still trying
05:43to balance everything. That's a good transition. And it doesn't, I know, whenever you say grieve,
05:49which you had before, it sounds so, so it sounds kind of like we're sad about it. And I don't want
05:55to say the word is sad, but it definitely is just a big change. It definitely is grieving that and just
06:01kind of journaling and processing through. Of course, I got journaling from Dr. Joy, because
06:06we talk about that all the time. So that's definitely something that's been helping me.
06:13Mm hmm. So you brought up journaling. So I'm curious to hear what other kinds of things have
06:17helped you all to process transition experiences.
06:22Three for Thursday.
06:25I make sure I have the, it's on my site. And then of course, the Yellow Couch Collective,
06:31I have to give a shout out. I mean, it really is just something that's right there that you can just
06:37kind of plug in. And your sisters are right there. It's a whole tribe, the Facebook group helps if you
06:42just have like a quick question. It just also says accountability. And, you know, oftentimes, you know,
06:50especially in isolation, we've been isolating ourselves, you know, just kind of being independent
06:55with our mind. And I have to kind of shake it up, you know, don't, don't not turn the notifications
07:00off. And, you know, when something clicks, be intentional about seeing it, because it may be
07:05something that you're going through. So I would say social media. And as an educator, I'm not really
07:10a social media person, of course, 180 days out of the year, because I'm something to somebody else.
07:16But in quarantine, social media and I have become friends again.
07:22Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You bring up a good point about the Yellow Couch Collective,
07:27those check ins throughout the week. They've been great for me. I get so much information from
07:32everyone in there. Another thing is just making sure that I'm being intentional about taking time
07:37for myself, even if it's just 20 minutes to come and meditate or take a bath or just sit by myself.
07:44That's something that I really had to dedicate and taking space like just sitting in the car.
07:50When you're home for so long during quarantine, it can be, I see these same walls every single day,
07:56all day. So just stepping away for a second is really good when it comes to like processing where
08:01we are right now. Yeah, those are definitely great, great ways to reach out. I think things that have
08:08helped me in transition is really leaning on my support system and really having a nonjudgmental
08:14space. So my support system, which includes my own therapist, right, and having a nonjudgmental space
08:20to say, like, I'm really worried about this thing, or I am having more trouble letting go of this thing.
08:26Even though I'm excited about the new thing that's coming up, right? Right. Because I think sometimes
08:30when we get in our own heads, we can really do a lot of shaming ourselves about like, don't be silly
08:35girl, like this is a great new opportunity or whatever. But being able to give voice to those
08:41things, even if they feel small with somebody who cares about us and will not judge us, I think really
08:46has made a difference for me too. Yeah, I love that. I really do. Yeah.
08:51What about your support systems? Have they been helpful for you in terms of moving through
08:57transition?
08:59Yeah, I actually have a Facebook support system that's just literally we start the conversation,
09:06no judgment, if you burn the fish, or if you didn't cook today, or are you still in your pajamas?
09:12You know, it's kind of okay with that kind of stuff. But it really has just kind of held the
09:17accountability that you just really, we were talking the other day, and it's like, no mask.
09:23You know, I don't know, you know, when we when the pre COVID, you wonder how many times you showed
09:28up with a mask on, and you couldn't really have intentional conversations. And I couldn't say,
09:34you know, I think that, you know, everybody can probably say at some point in their lives,
09:38they've kind of worn a mask, but you kind of I've kind of taken the mask off and just really been
09:43transparent. It's just like the lashes, they had to come off and the nails. It's just all relative.
09:50But, you know, we were just talking about just really being intentional about showing up to every
09:55conversation, every moment, who you are, and it's not as exhausting. You know, it's you find yourself
10:01having conversations and you leave like, so deep breath. Yeah, yeah. Being vulnerable is definitely
10:09something that I've been tapping into during this time. Just whether it's a group chat with friends
10:15or with family, or like you said, social media, I feel like everyone is kind of like, I'm still in my
10:22pajamas. Or like you said, like, I haven't cooked. No, all these things are kind of just all collectively
10:27making it. And especially what's going on in our climate in our country, I see a lot more black
10:34women just leaning on each other. Just whenever I walk through the store, and I see black women, I'm just
10:40like smile big at them. And I feel like collectively, like, Oh, yes. Right. Yeah. It feels like it's a good
10:48feeling. It really is. Yeah, really. I hope, I hope that we are able to, you know, once the country opens up a
10:56little bit more, people are moving about a little more freely. I hope that we are able to hold on to some of
11:01these things that it feels like we've been really doing a good job of cultivating in these times,
11:05because I think they will serve us well as we continue to kind of move throughout life.
11:09I agree. I agree. You know, we, I think we've taken just that little, you know, walk in the park,
11:15or like Jasmine was saying, you know, I was just at Best Buy. And I mean, it's like a group of black
11:21women pass by and they're like, Hey, sister, how you doing? And I'm like, I wonder what we have taken this
11:27much time to see each other. You know, it's like, we're really looking at each other and really looking
11:33past our souls. And I think this is what our ancestors talked about. You know, they talked about us really
11:38being intentional and looking at each other's, you know, what they're going through and how they're
11:42feeling. I mean, you know, even this conversation alone, it's an accountability conversation, because
11:47you have to show up truly, you know, who you are. And I'm just hoping like you, Dr. Joy, that even as we get
11:53back to the hustle and bustle that we don't forget, you know, this time to really be intentional with
11:58each other.
11:59Very good point. Very good there, Mickey. I appreciate that. So something that I just wanted to leave you
12:04with as we wrap up this conversation, and again, you both know this because you've been a member of
12:09our community for some time, you know, I love a good resource. And so you know that one of my favorite
12:14books, especially for dealing with things like transitions, because I think we can get really
12:18critical of ourselves. So a great book to check out would be Self-Compassion. So if you don't
12:23have a copy of that book and workbook, there's a book called Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristen Neff
12:28that really talks about how we can be gentle and kind with ourselves, especially when we're going
12:33through difficult things. So if that is something that you struggle with, and that would be a resource
12:38I think you would appreciate and want to check out. Well, we have to wrap up for today. Thank you
12:44both again for joining me for this conversation. You're welcome. If you enjoy this kind of thing,
12:50then definitely join us on Facebook and Instagram every Thursday at 12 noon Eastern for our continuing
12:56Three for Thursdays. And we will see you all soon. Take care. Bye. Thank you. Thank you.
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