- 6 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes, Mark Kearney leads the free world.
00:04Donald Trump scopes out Greenland.
00:06Kristi Noem tells it like it isn't.
00:07And Nicki Minaj goes MAGA.
00:1022 Minutes starts now.
00:30Morning, Tim.
00:33Livin' the dream?
00:34Yeah.
00:36You know it.
00:39Morning, Tim.
00:40TGIF.
00:41You're tellin' me.
00:47Tim, quick change to the presentation.
00:49Nothing major, just a full rethink.
00:51Totally optional, but let's get it done.
00:56I already need the state hand.
01:01Morning, Tim.
01:03Livin' the dream?
01:04Yeah.
01:05You know it.
01:08Morning, Tim.
01:10TGIF.
01:12Yeah.
01:14Tim, quick change to the presentation.
01:15Nothin' Magor.
01:16Just a full rethink?
01:17Exactly, totally optional, but get it done.
01:19Oh, my god.
01:21It's the same day.
01:23I'm in a time anyway-
01:24I'm out of my time-
01:28No, he ain't been out of my containers.
01:29I'm in a time loop.
01:33Morning, Tim. Living the dream?
01:35If you finish the pot, brew a pot, Diane.
01:38Morning, Tim. TGI.
01:40Don't give a frig, Carol.
01:42Let me guess, Trump does a bad thing?
01:45Yep.
01:46Hey, Tim, quick change to the presentation.
01:48I got the changes to your presentation right here, Doug.
01:53Nothing major, just a full rethink.
01:55What the hell, Tim? You just punched me in the face.
01:57Yes, but none of you will remember this.
02:00This is very memorable, Tim.
02:01Yes, but this will reset because I'm in a time loop right now.
02:05What the hell are you talking about? You're not in a time loop.
02:07Our lives just suck and every day just feels the same.
02:10Right, but the news said Trump does...
02:12He does a bad thing every day.
02:14And you asked for changes on them?
02:15Yeah, because you didn't do them, so I have to keep asking.
02:18But Carol said TGI have three days in a row.
02:20Well, that's because I thought it was Friday.
02:23I'm experiencing the same thing, too.
02:25But now it's Friday.
02:26It's Thursday.
02:27It's Thursday?!
02:28It's Thursday?!
02:29Wait.
02:30So if you thought you were in a time loop,
02:32what day did you just punch me on?
02:34Three.
02:35But...
02:36You punched me on day three?
02:37Yeah, day three, but...
02:38That's one day of research.
02:39I know.
02:40It just really feels like we're in a time loop.
02:42I hate everyone!
02:45No, no.
02:46Hey, hey.
02:47You're not in a time loop.
02:48Every day just feels the same.
02:51What a time loop.
02:52Welcome to the show!
02:53Well, it's been a hell of a year this week.
02:54It all began with the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, where elites gathered
03:11to decide who gets the window seat on the way to Mars.
03:15The most powerful people in the world were there, from German Chancellor Friedrich Maers,
03:19to new suit Zelensky, to French President Top Gun Maverique.
03:24But the star of the show was a leader of the free world.
03:29I'm helping NATO, and until the last few days, when I told them about Iceland, they loved
03:35me.
03:36They called me daddy, right, last time?
03:40Very smart man said, he's our daddy.
03:43Two things are wrong with that sentence.
03:46He meant Greenland, not Iceland, and the only people calling Trump daddy are paid to do it.
03:52We actually met the new leader of the free world, Mark Carney, who gave a speech that
03:59made international headlines, filled with current references.
04:03The strong can do what they can, and the weak must suffer what they must.
04:08And this aphorism of Thucydides is presented as inevitable.
04:13Hey Canada, isn't it nice to have a leader who gives us aphorisms, not aneurysms?
04:18Carney's speech was praised for demanding leaders see the world as it is and show solidarity.
04:27The middle powers must act together because if we're not at the table, we're on the menu.
04:31And you do not want to be on that menu. Nothing goes through Trump like Chili Con Carney.
04:37The PM's speech impressed everyone but the hater in chief.
04:41Canada gets a lot of freebies from us, by the way. They should be grateful also, but they're not.
04:47I watched your Prime Minister yesterday. He wasn't so grateful.
04:51But they should be grateful to us.
04:54Canada lives because of the United States. Remember that, Mark, the next time you make your statements?
05:00Actually, we live because of healthcare and gun control, but close enough.
05:06If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.
05:14I'm in Greenland because I need it for security and to overcompensate for my tiny cheesy.
05:20I'm President Trump and I'm here to make Greenland the 51st state. I really am. I really am.
05:27So cold, so icy, so distant. I love Greenland, but it doesn't love me back. It reminds me so much of Melania.
05:42I'm Donald Trump, or as you may know me, Donald the Orange. What's your name?
05:53I'm Juno. Nice to meet you.
05:55Juno. It's good to meet you, Juno. Are you very excited to become part of the United States?
05:59Well, we just want to remain our own people, I think.
06:02What do I need to know to become a Greenlandic person?
06:06Well, you need to learn our culture, our food, our language.
06:12What do you like to eat?
06:13Well, a lot of our traditional food is from the sea, so whale and seal.
06:18You like whale? I'm mostly blubber.
06:24Look at the size of that American battleship, a big destroyer, a battleship we like to call it,
06:29and its incredible, awesome firepower.
06:31It's the Danish Navy, actually.
06:33It's a tiny ship, then. It doesn't matter. It's so small, it's not gonna do anything.
06:41I'm here in the Greenland White House, the Green House, quite frankly,
06:45and I'm here with one of their incredible politicians,
06:48a politician I've admired for a long time.
06:51Who are you?
06:52My name is Peele Bulba, and I'm the leader of the Independence Party, NILOC,
06:57member of the parliament.
06:58The great this guy. We love this guy, don't we?
07:00Let's put it there.
07:03The Vikings came. Do you remember the Vikings?
07:05They're very bad, and we don't want that to happen again,
07:08because you don't want to have a blond, loud, corrupt, warlike, barbarian
07:15come in here and try and take you over. You don't want that to happen.
07:18How about crime? Do you have a lot of crime here?
07:19No, not that much.
07:20We're gonna fix it. We're gonna have so much crime with incredible police jobs and jail jobs.
07:25There's a great American writer, you've probably heard of him,
07:28William Shakespeare. He wrote a movie called Hamlet.
07:30And in that movie, he says,
07:32there's something rotten in the state of Denmark, and that's me.
07:35I'm the rotten thing in Denmark.
07:37So the big question, Bella, is to be or not to be an American?
07:43Not to be.
07:44Let's Stormy Daniels this. How much is it gonna cost?
07:49You're gonna laugh at the offer, quite frankly. This guy is a disaster.
07:53There's no way you're willing to make a deal.
07:55This is our home. We are not for sale for a reason.
07:58We cannot buy it ourselves. We don't own the land. We are part of the land.
08:03So I'm hearing a maybe?
08:05No. You're not hearing anything other than a heart? No.
08:09The deal's off!
08:11Good.
08:12I'm here with the mayor of, quite frankly, the biggest city in all of Greenland.
08:30What's your name?
08:31Awara.
08:32I'm good. How are you?
08:33And we're doing an incredible thing here. We're in the city of...
08:37Nook.
08:38We're looking at that. That's one of the options.
08:41We don't want to use it, quite frankly, but all options are on the table.
08:45Bottom line, can we get a deal?
08:47No.
08:48Please.
08:49We can get a deal of not you coming here again.
08:51Can I have a deal, please?
08:52No.
08:53Please.
08:54No.
08:55Give me a deal.
08:56Give me a deal.
08:57No.
08:58No.
08:59What?
09:00No, Mick.
09:01No, Mick.
09:02No, Mick.
09:03Yes, Mick.
09:04Yes, Mick.
09:05No, Mick.
09:06Yes, Mick.
09:07No, Mick.
09:08How, in your beautiful language, how do you say yes?
09:10I won't teach you that.
09:11How do you say yes?
09:12I won't teach you that.
09:13How do you say yes?
09:14I won't teach you that.
09:16You nasty woman.
09:17Can you just leave and leave us alone forever?
09:21Now, Mick.
09:23Thank you for coming.
09:30We'd like you to keep it down.
09:32We're trying to get some invading done inside, quite frankly.
09:35We're gonna make Greenland America again for the first time.
09:40We love freedom, and we're gonna give you freedom whether you like it or not.
09:44We're gonna ram freedom down your throats, quite frankly.
09:47Because only America can protect you from your biggest threat.
09:51America.
09:52And I'd like to ask, by round of applause, how many people want to join the United States?
10:00Wow.
10:03Oh.
10:04We'd like to help you recover from your disease.
10:06My disease?
10:07Yes, you have.
10:08You say, this is a piece of ice.
10:10You've got a piece of ice inside your heart, you know.
10:13I hope you recover from disease, and when you're a friend, you'll be here with us.
10:16And I invite you for coffee.
10:17Just come, kid.
10:18Wouldn't you like a Burger King, though?
10:20We can give you a beautiful Burger King.
10:22And thank you for taking the first step.
10:25We're gonna get a great deal.
10:26We're gonna make an incredible deal.
10:27Good luck to us all.
10:29If you could say anything to Donald Trump, what would you say?
10:32Dear Mr. Trump.
10:34This is our home.
10:35We're a sovereign people.
10:37We're not for sale.
10:38We do not want to become Americans.
10:39And our sustainable life is based on our indigenous history.
10:43We are usually very good with elderly people, but...
10:46What she's saying is, I love America.
10:49I'm really not.
10:50She is?
10:51I'm really not.
10:52She really is?
10:53She's incredible.
10:54I never knew there were real people, to be honest.
10:58My heart grew three sizes that day.
11:03But it was just the McDonald's.
11:06Had enough of this.
11:08I'm going back to Mar-a-Lago.
11:20A beach in England became covered in French fries
11:23that fell off a cargo ship and washed ashore.
11:25The food was described by the English as not soggy enough.
11:29Toronto was just hit with its snowiest day on record,
11:34with 40 to 50 centimeters of snowfall reported.
11:36It's the most snow the city has heard of since this one guy,
11:39licky boom boomed down.
11:41Amidst the Greenland debacle, the White House shared an AI-generated photo
11:46of Trump and a penguin with the caption,
11:49Embrace the Penguin.
11:50The photo features a squawking emperor with its signature waddle
11:54walking alongside a penguin.
11:59I am DTIF.
12:01I am DTIF.
12:02I am DTIF.
12:03I am DTIF.
12:04We are DTIF.
12:06The Donald Trump image force.
12:08And when the White House wants an AI picture for social media?
12:11We get the call.
12:12We yell at cutting-edge technology until we get what we want.
12:16Trump eagle body.
12:18Man head.
12:19Eagle body.
12:20Donald.
12:21Big bird abs president.
12:23Smokin' hot bird leader.
12:26Post.
12:27And prompt around the clock to make sure America looks great again.
12:31Chisel Trump marble statue.
12:34Greek god marble Donald Adonis.
12:37Enhance abs sculpt chin.
12:40Oil chest and arms.
12:42Send.
12:44Because the only way to fight fake news is with real AI-generated images.
12:49Healthy Donald Trump.
12:51Reduce throat.
12:52Reduce throat.
12:53Reduce throat.
12:54It's not just the president.
12:56When you're DTIF, the whole team is counting on you.
12:59J.D. Vance.
13:00No pork head.
13:01Add jaw.
13:02RFK Jr.
13:04Mr. Universe.
13:05Milk mustache.
13:06Carolyn Levitt.
13:08Soul eye.
13:09Pete Hegstead.
13:10Skin alcohol level .08.
13:13Post.
13:14When the news looks bad, you need to force it to look good.
13:18Behind every image is AI.
13:20And behind every AI is a hero.
13:23Join today.
13:24We are DTIF.
13:26Are you?
13:28This week, the Trump administration tried to calm tensions in Minnesota by sending its
13:35most punchable messenger, J.D. Vance.
13:37Oh, my God.
13:38This is terrible.
13:39How did we arrest a five-year-old?
13:40Well, I do a little bit more follow-up research.
13:41His dad was an illegal alien.
13:42And then when they went to arrest his illegal alien father, the father ran.
13:47So the story is that ICE detained a five-year-old.
13:54Well, what are they supposed to do?
13:56Literally anything else.
13:59If you ever find yourself defending arresting kids, go home, take a long, hard look in the
14:05mirror and ask yourself, am I wearing too much eyeliner?
14:10As we saw over the weekend, Vance's visit didn't take.
14:14So Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem had to put in overtime to calm the public.
14:20Hey, America.
14:21It's me, Kristi Noem.
14:23We did it.
14:24This administration has successfully arrested 10,000 illegal corrupt aliens in Minnesota.
14:29And now, it's time to party.
14:31I know you can't tell because of what I've done to my face, but I'm ecstatic.
14:38We got some of the worst of the worst.
14:40Thieves, killers, mothers, sick children, and full legal American citizens.
14:46But there are some party poopers in our midst who think we don't know how to keep Americans safe.
14:50And to those belligerent psychopaths, I say, look at Minnesota right now.
14:55Gorgeous, stunning, nothing to see here.
15:01And if that's not the kind of America you want to live in, well, I'll help you leave.
15:07The deranged left think we're being a bit rough.
15:10But have you seen what we're up against?
15:12A ton of protesters calling us names.
15:15Can you imagine?
15:16It's really rude.
15:18So excuse us if we smash your car, drag you out the window, pull you out the car, kick you, choke you, punch you,
15:24shoot you?
15:25Where I come from, we call that tip for tat.
15:28So the next time you got a big ol' fat ice agent's knee on your neck, remember, they have feelings too.
15:34Don't trust the lamestream media.
15:36They're making things look way worse than they are.
15:39Like ice agents eating at a Mexican restaurant and then arresting the staff after.
15:43It's like they've never heard of dinner and dessert.
15:46What we're doing is right.
15:48You know how I know?
15:49No one can stop us.
15:51Plus, would a woman whose face looked like this five years ago lie to you?
15:56No way.
15:58I can't even express anything.
16:01Don't believe me?
16:03Watch me take this lie detector test.
16:05Do you believe anything you say?
16:07Yes.
16:08So America, trust us.
16:15We're keeping you safe.
16:17Hey you.
16:18Where are you from?
16:19You legal?
16:20During his speech at the World Economic Forum, Donald Trump repeatedly mixed up Greenland
16:35and Iceland.
16:36So based on that, relax Canada and watch out Cambodia.
16:41Over the years, many celebrities have come out as MAGA supporters from the not surprising
16:46to the really not surprising.
16:48The latest recruit is Nicki Minaj, who has emerged as a huge supporter of the MAGA movement
16:53from taking the stage with Erica Kirk to saying truly depraved, disgusting things.
16:58Dear young men, you have amazing role models like our handsome, dashing president.
17:11I've never agreed with this before, but in this case, and this case only, hip-hop is corrupting
17:20the youth of America.
17:24MAGA Records presents Nicki Minaj like you've never seen her before.
17:29Republican.
17:30This one is for the wise world super trad.
17:32Giving up the degree to be with Chad.
17:34He be sitting in the house, he be cooking up.
17:36Only speak once, spoken to, so shut up.
17:41Boy, you've got my agency fading away.
17:4460 years of feminism gone in a day.
17:48And Nicki is tackling some of America's biggest talking points.
18:01That vaccination won't, that vaccination won't, that vaccination won't do nothing but cause
18:09autism.
18:11Let's just pretend that I've always been pro-life, pro-life, pro-life.
18:22Despite the fact I terminated some lives, some lives, some lives.
18:31She even has collabs with right-wing stars like Erica Kirk.
18:35Trans, leftist, gays up in the Congress, snowflakes, vegans, blue hair, obnoxious.
18:40Question, what do all these things have in common?
18:43They're all dirty Democrats and they need to stop.
18:50Okay, first things first, I'mma hit the script.
18:53When the turning point money hit, I flipped the script.
18:55Now I'm all up, all up, all up on the stage with the scary face.
18:58Now I'm selling out my soul to the master race.
19:01So don't delay. Get Nicki Minaj's new album,
19:03Please Pardon My Husband, Mr. President.
19:06And if you buy in the next 24 hours, we'll even throw in J.D. Vance's new reggae album,
19:10Duddy Wine and Cheese. Act now while supplies last.
19:13William Shatner was photographed eating a bowl of bran flakes in his car.
19:27As for his car, he's Shatner.
19:30Lulu Lemon temporarily paused sales of its leggings after customers complained about see-through fabric.
19:37According to one customer, both their Lulu and Lemon were visible.
19:42Carney's speech at the World Economic Forum was incredible.
19:46It made me proud to be Canadian.
19:48Made me glad I voted for him.
19:50Before, I was like, who even is this guy?
19:53But watching that speech, I got it.
19:56I finally got it.
19:57I finally understood, Mark Carney.
20:00Every single word.
20:02Words like hegemony.
20:04Which, you know, I say a lot.
20:06Because I absolutely know what it means.
20:09When he mentioned the trade block called Mercosur,
20:12I was 100% Mercosur what the hell he was talking about.
20:17And when he spoke about the aphorism of Thucydides, I was like, girl, same.
20:22Who doesn't quote Czech dissident Václav Havel?
20:25I like to do it in the morning, before my coffee.
20:28Carney said everyone in that room knew the principles of risk management.
20:32But do they love them the way I do?
20:34I just get him.
20:36Mark and I are in total hegemony.
20:39He could have said multilateral trade, but he went with plurilateral trade.
20:44Because he knew they're definitely different.
20:46And I knew that too.
20:48Or was it aphorism of dooduses?
20:51I have a rash on my hegemony.
20:53Do-do-deedees?
20:55Do-do-deedees.
20:56It's like we share the same brain.
20:58Get out of my head, Carney!
21:00Or as you'd say, withdraw your intrusive presence from my mental locus.
21:05You did a good job up there, Mark.
21:06Hegemony!
21:07Bless you.
21:09Do-dee-do-dee?
21:11That's the way we saw the world this week.
21:16Stick around, because Still Standing is next.
21:18Goodnight.
21:19Goodnight!
Comments