The-Honeymooners

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Transcript

00:00:00This is a production of the Polymer, and this is a production of the Polymer.

00:00:10This is a production of Polymer, and this is the production of Polymer.

00:00:21Oh, my God.

00:00:50This is DJ Sucker Slam spinning in old school tonight, inviting all of New York to forget your Y2K worries, turn up your radio, and help good old Chuck Brown bust loose.

00:01:06Oh, yeah. Bust it up, New York.

00:01:09I feel like busting loose. Busting loose. Busting loose is an even man. Busting loose can be a beast, yeah.

00:01:18Talking about busting loose. Busting loose in the meantime. Busting loose makes you feel fine. Talking about busting loose, girl. Busting loose to my love, Jones. Busting loose to each song.

00:01:35Give me the binge, y'all.

00:01:47Hey, Leroy. Give me some of that horn right here.

00:01:52Hey, Leroy. Give me some of that horn.

00:02:09Wow, wow, wow.

00:02:11Oh, wow.

00:02:13Boom.

00:02:14Oh.

00:02:15Oh.

00:02:18I feel like busting loose. Busting loose, girl.

00:02:21Free. Free, free, free. Free, free. Free, free. Free, free, free, free.

00:02:28Free, free, free, free.

00:02:30Can I give you a ride?

00:02:37Pick up the way you drive?

00:02:38I feel like busting loose

00:02:41Busting loose now

00:02:43Busting loose when you want to deal

00:02:45Busting loose doing what you feel

00:02:47Talking about busting loose, girl

00:02:51Busting loose when you want to deal

00:02:54Busting loose doing what you feel

00:02:56Talking about busting loose now

00:02:59Busting loose when you want to sing

00:03:02Busting loose, baby, do your thing

00:03:05Talking about busting loose, girl

00:03:08Busting loose when you want to sing

00:03:11Busting loose, baby, do your thing

00:03:13Give me the red jaw

00:03:17What's up?

00:03:23How you doing?

00:03:25Oh, wow.

00:03:26Sure got a lot of confidence.

00:03:27Ralph, Ralph Cramden

00:03:31Operator of this machine and this machine

00:03:37Alice, Alice Gibson

00:03:42What's up, Alice Gibson?

00:03:47So, Ralph Cramden, you taking me to Brooklyn or what?

00:03:50I'll take you anywhere you want to go

00:03:51Crown Heights, Red Hook, Bushwick

00:03:54I'll take you to the moon, Alice

00:03:56I hope you're not going to lose your job over this

00:04:04So what if I do?

00:04:06I mean, this right here, this old bus driver thing

00:04:08It's temporary

00:04:09I'm an entrepreneur

00:04:10And, uh, this is going to make me a millionaire

00:04:14Cramden International Y2K Ultra Deluxe Survival Kit?

00:04:18Yeah, and when Y2K hit, you're going to need all that stuff in there

00:04:22You think Y2K is going to be that bad?

00:04:24You ain't been watching CNN?

00:04:26I mean, when every computer in the world shuts down on New Year's Eve

00:04:30That kit plus a check of money order for $29.99 plus shipping and handling

00:04:35It's the only thing that's going to protect you against total chaos

00:04:38Wow, total chaos?

00:04:40Yeah, I mean, you know, if I'm lucky

00:04:41I guess my dream's a little bit more practical

00:04:45Oh, yeah?

00:04:47Like what?

00:04:48My own home

00:04:49No, nothing fancy

00:04:51Just a little place on my own, you know?

00:04:55No, no landlord or haggling with the super to fix the pipes

00:04:59Or rent increases

00:05:00Just my name on a deed

00:05:02And, you know, some lawn chairs on the front porch

00:05:05So I can watch my kids play ball on the street

00:05:07You got kids?

00:05:11I'm playing

00:05:12Can't you feel it, Alice?

00:05:17We're on the verge of a new millennium

00:05:19You need to stick with your boy

00:05:21Because I'm about to blow up

00:05:22I mean, you'll see

00:05:24This job

00:05:25These empty pockets

00:05:27This waistline

00:05:28Gone

00:05:28Yeah

00:05:29One day

00:05:31I'm gonna own this town

00:05:33Is that what you think?

00:05:37I own this town?

00:05:39I just asked you to talk to the super about the pipes, Ralph

00:05:41That's all

00:05:42Today

00:05:42The Metro and the seventh game of the World Series

00:05:45And you know this, Alice

00:05:46And you want me to think about plumbing?

00:05:48Okay

00:05:52So it makes a little noise

00:05:54But so do you

00:05:54And I've learned to live with that

00:05:56Ralph

00:05:57Fine

00:06:00But I'm not dragging the super into this

00:06:02I'm calling my boy Norton

00:06:03He works in the sewers

00:06:04He knows pipes

00:06:05Yo, Norton

00:06:08What's up with the mess?

00:06:13Today's your day, baby

00:06:14Yeah, buddy

00:06:15Oh

00:06:15I didn't do anything

00:06:23Never mind them, Ralphie

00:06:24I got a new realtor for you

00:06:26A man was born in 1955

00:06:28Look, not now

00:06:29Alice wants you to get down here

00:06:31And take a look at these pipes

00:06:32It's driving me crazy

00:06:33All right

00:06:34Don't come down there

00:06:39That thing is gonna kill you

00:06:40He's coming down the fire escape

00:06:42Hey, Alice

00:06:45Hey, Ed

00:06:46Come on, Ralph

00:06:47A man was born in 1955

00:06:49Today's his 18th birthday

00:06:51How is that possible, huh?

00:06:551955 is not the year he was born

00:06:57It's the number of the hospital room he was born in

00:07:00Damn, you smart

00:07:02What seems to be the problem, Alice?

00:07:05Listen, Ed

00:07:06I'm on it

00:07:12He's on it

00:07:14Yeah, why has he gotta be on it?

00:07:16What happened to you?

00:07:16Knock, knock

00:07:18Morning, Cramden

00:07:19Oh, hey, Trixie

00:07:20Hey, what you got there, Trixie?

00:07:21Ooh, I made French toast

00:07:22Alice, I tried this new powdered sugar

00:07:25Tasty Mance

00:07:25It's the one they give to the diabetics

00:07:27Right when they wake up from the coma

00:07:2899 cents

00:07:30It's a slight little aftertaste

00:07:31But it's still good

00:07:32Right, Ralph?

00:07:32Hmm, see?

00:07:35Trixie makes Ed French toast

00:07:36That's because Ed's not on Trim Spot

00:07:38Oh, you got jokes

00:07:39You just a regular UPN sitcom, huh, Alice?

00:07:42I gotta get to these pipes

00:07:43Look, just fix it, okay?

00:07:45It'd be good to have some peace and quiet around here

00:07:48Yo!

00:07:50Oh, my God

00:07:51Yo! Yo! Yo!

00:07:51Oh, my God

00:07:52Ash, what'd you do now?

00:07:54They wanted me to fix their pipes, baby

00:07:55Yeah, nothing like a big hole in the wall

00:07:57That's where the pipes are, Ralph

00:07:58I mean, come on

00:07:59You just talked to the landlord like I asked you to in the first place

00:08:02That's a much better idea

00:08:03Because I do my best work down below

00:08:05Ooh, now that is true, baby

00:08:07I mean, I'm a professional

00:08:08People always call me and want me to work on this

00:08:10My whole country

00:08:12Get out!

00:08:18Take the wife, leave the French toast

00:08:20Oh, man

00:08:21See you at the diner, Alice

00:08:23Later, Trix

00:08:24Hey, Ralph

00:08:24After work, we're gonna watch that game

00:08:26Out!

00:08:26Go, Max

00:08:29You are certifiable, you know that?

00:08:33You ought to have your head examined

00:08:34I'll have my head examined anywhere in the United States

00:08:37And you know what they're gonna find when they look in there?

00:08:39Nothing!

00:08:43You know, I should do one thing

00:08:44One thing

00:08:45And you never appreciate anything I do, Ralph

00:08:47You never have

00:08:48You know what?

00:08:48I can't take it anymore!

00:08:50Ooh, baby, you gotta go

00:08:51Ooh, I am late

00:08:51It's your lunch

00:08:51Hey, taste the cakes

00:08:54Yeah

00:08:54Be careful

00:08:55Always am

00:08:56Get out of your bus lane!

00:09:06Hey!

00:09:07Hey, Vic, my man

00:09:08The Mets are going all the way, Ralph

00:09:10You'll do very well

00:09:12Oh, yeah, you know that

00:09:14Do you have a wager on the game tonight, Ralph?

00:09:17Well, no, not exactly

00:09:18Let's just say I'm taking advantage of certain economic opportunities

00:09:22Or as my investment guru, Bart Roberts says

00:09:26Kick open the dough

00:09:27An opportunity don't have to knock

00:09:30Look, that's Bart Roberts

00:09:32Good, come over here

00:09:41Come over here

00:09:42I have something to show you

00:09:43This is your new uniform

00:09:46Oh, no, no

00:09:48You don't like it?

00:09:49Mm-mm

00:09:49But I like the neckline, Levy

00:09:51The health inspector's coming soon

00:09:54So we gotta keep everything clean

00:09:55And now, but I'm gonna show you something

00:09:57You see these?

00:10:00Ah, there

00:10:01These spiders

00:10:04Voila

00:10:04Yes

00:10:06Excuse me

00:10:06I'd, uh, I'd like to order

00:10:09Alice, please take him

00:10:12Because I can tell he's gonna get on my nerves

00:10:14Hi, how can I help you today?

00:10:17Yes, uh, Alice

00:10:19I would like an egg white omelet

00:10:21And, uh, if I could get a clean glass of water

00:10:23Well, precious, we don't separate our eggs here

00:10:26And that's about as clean as it's gonna get

00:10:27Well, what do you have that's similar to an egg white omelet?

00:10:32Eggs

00:10:32Well, then, by all means

00:10:35Why don't you just bring me whatever's convenient for you?

00:10:37Ah

00:10:38Do I need to take off my heels?

00:10:40No, no

00:10:41Not yet

00:10:41I've angered you

00:10:43I'm sorry

00:10:44It happens a lot

00:10:45Alice, hello

00:10:46Oh, hi, Ms. Benvenuti

00:10:48How are you?

00:10:48I'm fine

00:10:49Hi, Trixie

00:10:50How are you?

00:10:50Ms. Benvenuti

00:10:51What a pleasure

00:10:52Please

00:10:53If you just buy my house

00:10:55That will be pleasure enough

00:10:57Ms. Benvenuti

00:10:58You're selling that cute little duplex over on Hart Street?

00:11:01Yes

00:11:01I can't take the winters anymore

00:11:04Mr. Davis here

00:11:06And his company

00:11:07Are thinking of buying my house

00:11:09Yes, we are

00:11:10So, uh, if you girls could just go and cook something

00:11:14Ignoring you

00:11:15Yeah, I wish we would've known

00:11:16Because we've been looking to buy a duplex for yours

00:11:18Well, I'm sorry

00:11:19But my company's already buying this one

00:11:21Yes, well, we're not a company or anything

00:11:22But we would like a nice place to move into with our husbands

00:11:25Have a few little babies

00:11:27A little Trixie

00:11:28But everything's so expensive nowadays

00:11:30Yes, it is

00:11:30Kind of wishing you hadn't dropped out of high school right about now, huh?

00:11:34Still ignoring you

00:11:35So, Ms. Benvenuti

00:11:36How much are you asking for the duplex?

00:11:42Alice?

00:11:57Yo, Norton!

00:11:58Yeah!

00:11:59Let's go Mets!

00:12:00Bottom of the ninth inning, two outs

00:12:02Man, this is killing me right here, man

00:12:03I'm telling you, Ralph

00:12:04The Mets is gonna do their thing

00:12:06Don't worry about it

00:12:06No, no, the camera can't strike out this time, man

00:12:09I mean, what are we doing?

00:12:10I mean, you know

00:12:10And the guy hit good

00:12:12You know what I'm saying?

00:12:13And the most amazing thing happened today

00:12:16You have to listen to

00:12:17Come on, baby

00:12:17Now we don't bother you guys

00:12:18When you're watching your stories

00:12:20Now let us watch the game

00:12:21No, no, no

00:12:21We got great news, though

00:12:22No, no, no, baby

00:12:22Okay, this is the last inning

00:12:24You have money on this game?

00:12:25No

00:12:26Look, I'm a businessman

00:12:27Okay, not a gambler

00:12:29Come on, Mets!

00:12:30Okay, wait

00:12:30You guys remember Miss Ben Benuti from the diner?

00:12:32Well, she's selling her duplex

00:12:33Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

00:12:33It's a huge duplex

00:12:34And all we have to do is come up with $20,000 for the down payment

00:12:37But she's only giving us two weeks

00:12:38Two-one pitch

00:12:39Cameron Crowley

00:12:40Wait, wait, wait

00:12:41Wait, wait

00:12:42Just listen, just listen

00:12:43Come on, between the four of us, we already have half of it

00:12:46Yeah, they've got $5,000 saved

00:12:47And we got $5,300, right?

00:12:48Oh, yeah, yeah

00:12:49Something like that, give or take

00:12:50He's got a full account, man

00:12:51What are they trying to do, kill me right now?

00:12:54Wait, wait, wait

00:12:54What do you mean give or take, Ralph?

00:12:56You didn't take any money out of our savings account, did you?

00:12:59I don't know what she's talking about

00:13:00Oh, no, you know

00:13:01Look, look, maybe I went into our accounts

00:13:04And maybe I took some money

00:13:05But then again, maybe someone has a birthday coming up

00:13:08And I'm just trying to surprise her

00:13:10My birthday's in eight months, Ralph

00:13:12Okay, baby

00:13:13I got the dates mixed up

00:13:15She know who the boss is

00:13:17I know who the boss is

00:13:21Here they go, here they go

00:13:22Make me some money, baby

00:13:24Yeah, this it right here

00:13:25Yeah

00:13:25For the markets

00:13:26Three to pitch

00:13:27Caber seat

00:13:28Go

00:13:28He's got a hold of him

00:13:31He's going deep

00:13:31Get out of here

00:13:32Get out of here

00:13:32Yeah

00:13:35Yeah

00:13:35The Mets

00:13:38I'm crazy

00:13:43Don't get up

00:13:46The Mets

00:13:46What I tell you

00:13:49What I tell you

00:13:50The Mets

00:13:51What I tell you

00:13:53I'm going to show you what's in these boxes.

00:13:55You want to see what's in these boxes?

00:13:56There's money in these boxes, baby.

00:13:58Money, money, money.

00:13:59Money for anything you want.

00:14:00Money for the house.

00:14:01Money for anything.

00:14:02You got to be fast on your feet to make it in this world.

00:14:04You know what I'm saying?

00:14:05And when I'm the first one to hit the streets with this stuff,

00:14:08I'm going to make a fortune.

00:14:09What stuff is it?

00:14:10Med stuff.

00:14:11Official merchandise.

00:14:13Rob met a guy on the bus who gave him a Godfather deal.

00:14:15Yeah, that's right.

00:14:17Godfather deal.

00:14:19Boom!

00:14:23Never seen a Met fan wear one of those.

00:14:26Oh, that's a throwback.

00:14:27This has got to be in the other boxes.

00:14:30What's wrong?

00:14:30Yeah, this is for the paper.

00:14:32It's this box right there.

00:14:34There you go.

00:14:34They just made it.

00:14:36It's all good.

00:14:38Get ready, ladies.

00:14:39Yeah, this is it.

00:14:40Okay, it's over.

00:14:42This is it.

00:14:43Here we go.

00:14:44There they are.

00:14:45Boom!

00:14:50Rob, why?

00:14:51You know what?

00:14:52You had to know better.

00:14:54This would have been big money, baby.

00:14:56I mean, I was investing in your future.

00:14:59Really?

00:15:00Like the time you invested $900 to market the, uh, ooh, the pet cactus.

00:15:06Hey, a couple of kids get poked in the eye and get cornea colitis and ruin it for everybody?

00:15:11Yeah.

00:15:11That's not my fault.

00:15:12Oh, my personal favorite, the velour fanny pack.

00:15:17That's a man purse.

00:15:18And I was this close to getting Al Roker to wear one on the Today Show, wasn't I?

00:15:22He sure was.

00:15:23He was this close as I was with him today.

00:15:25You're not helping, Ed.

00:15:26Listen, Alice.

00:15:28We'll get the money for the house somehow.

00:15:30No, we won't.

00:15:31It's always going to be like this, Drix.

00:15:35Living paycheck to paycheck, hand to mouth, never having anything to call our own.

00:15:39But no, you know what?

00:15:40Hey, it's cool, right?

00:15:41Because most people in the world live like this, right?

00:15:45Just didn't think it'd be so hard.

00:15:48Alice.

00:15:49Alice, come on.

00:15:50I know from the outside looking in, it seems as though I have a perfect relationship.

00:16:03But the truth of the matter is, is that Alice and I don't always get along.

00:16:07Wow, I've never noticed that.

00:16:09Ooh.

00:16:11Look, man, she's mad, but she'll get over it.

00:16:13She wasn't mad.

00:16:15Mad, you do get over it.

00:16:16Mad, I can handle it.

00:16:17I know how to deal with mad, but the look she had on her face, it was like she was disappointed in me, you know?

00:16:24Like she didn't believe in me anymore, and I don't know.

00:16:26If that's the case, then how do you come back from that?

00:16:29Well, show her that you're sorry.

00:16:30Buy her ass something.

00:16:31With what?

00:16:33I'm broke.

00:16:34Look, check this out.

00:16:34I know a dude right now selling Cadillac wheels.

00:16:38I'm talking about the spinners, the gold ones.

00:16:40They ain't got no damn car.

00:16:41I also know a dude that sell earring bags.

00:16:44Norton.

00:16:44Look, it's getting crazy out here, okay?

00:16:47Come on, let's go shoot some folk.

00:16:49That's why I never like to brainstorm around here.

00:16:52You're very critical.

00:16:56Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:16:58Why did you get the break?

00:17:00I'll tell you why I get the break, because you broke last time.

00:17:03No, no, no, don't.

00:17:03You broke last time.

00:17:05But fine, we'll flip for you.

00:17:08Here, you go.

00:17:09I want to flip, okay?

00:17:12Flip.

00:17:13Okay, I'm going to flip.

00:17:14Flip.

00:17:16Hits.

00:17:17No, I want it here.

00:17:18Well, tails then.

00:17:19I want it tails too.

00:17:21I got a big appetite for tails too.

00:17:23That's right.

00:17:23I'm going to do it.

00:17:24You are the most ridiculous man I've ever met.

00:17:27Maybe so, but I'm breaking.

00:17:29I'm going to do it.

00:17:59That's on you, Ralph.

00:18:16Oh, no, you don't, no.

00:18:18Hey.

00:18:19Oh, it's on, baby.

00:18:21Ralphie.

00:18:21No, I'm going to do it.

00:18:26I can't wear the ball in here.

00:18:28I can't wear the ball in here.

00:18:29I can't wear the ball in here.

00:18:30I can't wear the ball in here.

00:18:34No, no, no.

00:18:35I'm going to go back in.

00:18:36Don't hold me back.

00:18:37Don't hold me back.

00:18:37How you going to throw Ralph Clammon out?

00:18:38Ralph, I'm going to call him, Ralph.

00:18:40Back on the trail.

00:18:40Hey, hey, hey.

00:18:41What are you doing?

00:18:42I wasn't about to go back in there.

00:18:43What's wrong with you?

00:18:43No time to play.

00:18:45We got a major backup in the sewer system.

00:18:47How come every time a toilet clogs up in this town, they call you?

00:18:50I'm a specialist.

00:18:51It's like being a brain surgeon of Spider-Man.

00:18:53I wasn't in Spider-Man.

00:18:55Spider-Man wouldn't got us beat down and thrown out in the pool, huh?

00:19:01Come in, Drex.

00:19:12What do you have on?

00:19:13Don't act like you don't recognize my Ralph gear.

00:19:15I got my loud-ass lime green t-shirt.

00:19:18It should have made us millionaires.

00:19:19My 1987 leopard print fanny pack, complete inside with a baby pet cactus.

00:19:24In case a brother want to get riding in a train, because you know how they can act up.

00:19:29And to top it off, the Rain Brother can't go.

00:19:35And you know I'll wear it 24-7, because Rain ain't got no schedule.

00:19:39It's kind of sexy.

00:19:40Come on, Alice.

00:19:41You got to admit, your man is trying.

00:19:43Yeah.

00:19:45Yeah.

00:19:45This is what I do.

00:20:14Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, bring a man.

00:20:21Come on, Ralph.

00:20:23I know I smell a little stinky, but come on, give your man some love.

00:20:26I'm cool on the love.

00:20:29Can we go?

00:20:31It's this way.

00:20:35Come on, Ralph.

00:20:36I got something to show you.

00:20:37This is the scenic roof.

00:20:39We're lost, aren't we?

00:20:40Ralph, if you lay it out in the end, the New York City sewer system will stretch about 6,600 miles.

00:20:48A city beneath the city.

00:20:50And I got it all right here.

00:20:56It's just around here, Ralph.

00:20:59Check this out.

00:21:00It's going to be worth it.

00:21:01Oh.

00:21:17City beneath the city.

00:21:18Oh, damn!

00:21:21Mahogany paneling, velvet curtains, this is bad!

00:21:25Well, I tell you, we find these down here from time to time.

00:21:28Owned by some rich white dude before flying got popular, Ralph. Solid brass.

00:21:33Imagine that. Rich enough to own your own train.

00:21:36Well, someone's going to. The city's auctioning it off.

00:21:39I don't know what for, though. Who would want to own their own train car?

00:21:48Do it. What is it, Ralph?

00:21:54This is it. What's it?

00:21:57We buy the train. We put an engine on it, slap some wheels on it.

00:22:01Maybe a new paint job. I can get Alice to decorate.

00:22:04And we'll give tours of New York City.

00:22:06I'm Ralph Cramden, and welcome to New York and all the five boroughs.

00:22:10You know what, Ralph? Those tours make a lot of money, too, man.

00:22:13You know, that's why you need me to do the thinking.

00:22:15Yeah?

00:22:16Sometimes you gotta take the long view.

00:22:18Yeah.

00:22:19Okay. So, we won't be able to get the girls some little duplex now.

00:22:24All right.

00:22:25But soon...

00:22:26Yeah?

00:22:27...we can buy them a palace.

00:22:29Oh!

00:22:31Hello!

00:22:32Yeah, man, this is it.

00:22:41Oh, yeah. This is the place where it's gonna go down.

00:22:44Hey, I got another riddle for you, Ralph.

00:22:47No, not now, okay? I'm assessing the room.

00:22:49Look, look, look. 12 o'clock right there.

00:22:51It's a fellow entrepreneur. I know one when I see him.

00:22:55He's looking at our train.

00:22:57We don't have the cash to get into a bidding war.

00:22:59We really don't.

00:23:00Now, according to my investment guru, Bart Roberts,

00:23:03if you know you can't compete,

00:23:05you may have to practice this seat.

00:23:22Now, that there is a very fine train.

00:23:26Ralph Cramden.

00:23:28Hitako Kawakami.

00:23:30Oh.

00:23:31Well, thank you, Mr. Hikato Kamakwami.

00:23:34Um...

00:23:35There we go.

00:23:36This is, uh, me right here.

00:23:39Ralph Cramden...

00:23:41International?

00:23:42Well, for now.

00:23:43Yeah.

00:23:44But we are expanding to a more global approach.

00:23:47Man, they must have dug in the archives for this old picture.

00:23:52What do you mean?

00:23:53Well, this picture here doesn't look anything like the train they're selling.

00:23:57Nope.

00:23:59You've seen it?

00:24:00Have I seen?

00:24:01Of course I've seen it.

00:24:03It's right out the door.

00:24:04Come with me, and I'll show you the train.

00:24:11So, 230, lucky lady in the back.

00:24:14It's back into the left.

00:24:16It's back into the left.

00:24:17An upside item?

00:24:18A Pullman train car.

00:24:19A train car?

00:24:21I've stopped the bidding at $2,000.

00:24:23$1,000.

00:24:25How was it there?

00:24:26Do I need two?

00:24:27Two thousand!

00:24:28Two thousand!

00:24:29Ralph!

00:24:30Two thousand!

00:24:31Two thousand from the guy off by the door.

00:24:33Lord, this town!

00:24:34Twenty-five hundred.

00:24:35Twenty-five hundred for my friend.

00:24:36It's finally going in the right direction.

00:24:37No, no, no.

00:24:38Three thousand!

00:24:39Three thousand!

00:24:40Three thousand!

00:24:41Thirty-five hundred!

00:24:42No, no, no.

00:24:43Thirty-five hundred, go in.

00:24:44Go in.

00:24:45I'm sitting over here!

00:24:46One, twice, three times the train is mine!

00:24:49Two!

00:24:51Ah!

00:24:56I wish you would.

00:24:57I'm a purple bell.

00:25:02America, America.

00:25:07You're so good, Trix.

00:25:08Why'd you ever become a singer?

00:25:09I know I shouldn't, but I have acid reflux.

00:25:11Ooh.

00:25:12Uh-oh.

00:25:13You know that.

00:25:14It's the competition.

00:25:15Hi, Alice.

00:25:16Hi, Alice's friend.

00:25:17My name is Trixie, and I don't like you.

00:25:19Oh, stop.

00:25:20Please.

00:25:21We got off to a bad start.

00:25:22I'd like to make amends.

00:25:24It's about time somebody does.

00:25:25You want to live in the Benvenuti place, and I want to own it.

00:25:28We can all get what we want.

00:25:29Should I cut him?

00:25:30Let's go.

00:25:31Listen, listen, listen.

00:25:32I'm developing 15 affordable units on that property.

00:25:35I'll save a big, fat, sunny corner unit for each of you.

00:25:38I'm a fun landlord.

00:25:3915 units on that little lot?

00:25:41That doesn't make a lot of sense.

00:25:43I'm developing the whole block.

00:25:45But I need her property to close the deal.

00:25:47I think he's crazy, Alice.

00:25:49Look at him.

00:25:50Forget it.

00:25:51We don't do crazy.

00:25:58How's it looking, Lenny?

00:25:59It's not bad.

00:26:02I have four or five old engines back at the bus yard.

00:26:06Drive shaft.

00:26:07Wheels.

00:26:08I can turn this into a first-rate door bus!

00:26:11What'd I tell you?

00:26:12What'd I tell you, Lenny?

00:26:13The best mechanic in the whole MTA.

00:26:14He said it.

00:26:15How much, Lenny?

00:26:16How much?

00:26:17Oh, Ralph, whatever it costs for parts, and I get most of them for free, if you know what

00:26:20I mean.

00:26:21Rich!

00:26:22We're gonna be rich!

00:26:23What'd I tell you, Lenny?

00:26:24You said it.

00:26:25You said it.

00:26:26You said it.

00:26:27Lenny, I'm gonna let you in on it, too.

00:26:28I'll give him something.

00:26:29You said it.

00:26:30Hey, Ralph.

00:26:31I got one question for you.

00:26:33How can I get this thing out of here?

00:26:35Lenny, it's a train.

00:26:36Okay?

00:26:37We're just gonna roll it out.

00:26:38Yeah, we're gonna roll it out.

00:26:40How you gonna do that when all you have is, uh, 20 feet of track?

00:26:45Uh, you don't need, you don't need track to roll a train out, do you?

00:27:0060 feet below street level.

00:27:02Could've cost you a fortune to move that train.

00:27:04Well, Ralph.

00:27:05Look like you...

00:27:06Gladest night without the pips.

00:27:07What are you doing out so late, Miss Celestine?

00:27:20I could ask you the same question.

00:27:23Well, it looks like I'm gonna be doing a lot of double shifts from now on.

00:27:27Really?

00:27:28And what's your poison?

00:27:31Gambling?

00:27:32Drink?

00:27:33O's?

00:27:34O's?

00:27:35Oh, no.

00:27:36No, no, none of that.

00:27:37Just...

00:27:38Work myself into a jam, trying to get along a little better.

00:27:42Aren't we all?

00:27:47Some people got to have it.

00:27:50Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:27:52Some people really need it.

00:27:55Uh, listen to me y'all.

00:27:57Do things, do things, do things.

00:27:59Bad things with it.

00:28:01Man, I worked four double shifts this week.

00:28:03Damn, Ralph.

00:28:04We need to pimp some midgets.

00:28:05You know what I mean?

00:28:06Yeah, tell me about it.

00:28:07What was that?

00:28:08I don't know, man.

00:28:09Sound like a big rat or something.

00:28:11Come on, let's go.

00:28:12What are you doing, Norton?

00:28:14What are you doing, man?

00:28:15Get away from the dumpster.

00:28:16This is a dog.

00:28:17Aw, man.

00:28:18Why would somebody do this to a dog?

00:28:20Ralph, give me some help.

00:28:21What?

00:28:22I'm not coming in no dumpster.

00:28:23Ralph, give me some help, man.

00:28:24This is a dog.

00:28:26Oh, come out.

00:28:27Move him out.

00:28:33Yeah.

00:28:39Oh, wow.

00:28:40Look at him, Ralph.

00:28:41I'm gonna clean him up, put him a nice little collar on him, some rhinestones.

00:28:47Call him Iggy.

00:28:49Iggy?

00:28:50Iggy's a perfect name for a dog in the hood.

00:28:52Come on, don't get so excited, all right?

00:28:54We're not keeping the dog.

00:28:55Besides, the super never let us have him in the building.

00:28:58I ain't got time for a dog anyway, Ralph.

00:29:00The dog is not coming with us.

00:29:02Let's go.

00:29:05Don't worry about it.

00:29:06Iggy, you coming home with us, baby?

00:29:17Oh, boy.

00:29:19There's some leftovers in the kitchen.

00:29:21Oh, it's okay, baby.

00:29:23I ain't already with Norton.

00:29:24I'm sorry to wake you.

00:29:26No, you didn't wake me.

00:29:27I couldn't sleep.

00:29:28I keep hearing barking.

00:29:29I think somebody snuck a dog in the building or something.

00:29:32Oh, sure.

00:29:33You're just imagining things.

00:29:38These double shifts are killing me.

00:29:43Baby?

00:29:44Yeah.

00:29:46Baby, that house means the world to me, and I'm not gonna lose it without a fight.

00:29:49I mean, if we can't get the money by next Monday, Mrs. B's gonna be forced to sell it to that idiot developer, William Davis.

00:29:54And, well, um, I'm gonna ask my mama for the money.

00:30:00What?

00:30:01Your mama don't have that kind of money?

00:30:02It's $10,000.

00:30:03That's all we need, right?

00:30:05Well, sure.

00:30:06As if I hadn't spent the rest of it on the train.

00:30:08Huh?

00:30:09No, I was just kind of adding it up in my brain.

00:30:12Yeah.

00:30:13And...

00:30:16Baby, you really should go by and see the house.

00:30:19I mean, Norton's already seen it.

00:30:21Well, yeah, yeah.

00:30:22We'll get by then.

00:30:23Yeah?

00:30:24Yeah?

00:30:25Yeah.

00:30:37I talked to some guys about getting the train out of the sewer.

00:30:39How much?

00:30:40You don't wanna know?

00:30:41We gotta get a hold of some cash.

00:30:43Today.

00:30:44Jay!

00:30:45Jay!

00:30:47Yeah!

00:30:48That's it, man!

00:30:49Next party, means not to...

00:30:51Hey, man.

00:30:52What's the matter?

00:30:53Come on here.

00:30:54Come on!

00:31:25Sorry to disturb you at this time, ma'am.

00:31:27My name is Ed.

00:31:28And I'm Ralph.

00:31:29And what a lovely home you have.

00:31:31Help us.

00:31:33We can't see a thing.

00:31:35Billy.

00:31:36What's up?

00:31:36It's Ralph Cram.

00:31:37How you doing?

00:31:38Vacation, Bob?

00:31:39Oh, it's William now.

00:31:41Remember when I had loaned you $6?

00:31:44You got that?

00:31:44The Brooklyn Youth Program is a program to keep young, little brothers like ourselves

00:31:56off the street for filling hubcaps and breaking in your house while you're not at home.

00:32:00Yes.

00:32:00Beanie Lincoln.

00:32:10Remember we went on a date and it was supposed to be Dutch, but I paid.

00:32:14Good line, men and a dog.

00:32:16That was a nice one.

00:32:16That was a nice one, man.

00:32:18Hey.

00:32:18This is what you gotta do.

00:32:20This is what you gotta do.

00:32:21This is the thing you must do.

00:32:22Beanie.

00:32:26Beanie.

00:32:30Beanie.

00:32:31Look at the property.

00:32:33Look at the property.

00:32:34Throw a dog a ball.

00:32:36Throw a dog.

00:32:37Wait a minute, motherfucker.

00:32:38I'm going to do money now.

00:32:39Wait a minute.

00:32:39Give me $5, man.

00:32:40Look at the dog's work for me, and it will help you be to be.

00:32:44Keep dancing to our work for me, and it will help you be to be.

00:32:48Hey, come on.

00:32:48Hey, what are you doing?

00:32:50Come on.

00:32:50Let's get up.

00:32:51Let's get up.

00:32:52Let's get up.

00:32:57Get off of you.

00:33:00Ed, you've got to do something about this dog.

00:33:03I told you I'm watching him for a friend.

00:33:05Here, boy.

00:33:06Go get it.

00:33:08Things go right with this house?

00:33:10We can get a dog for the yard.

00:33:12The name of him Patches?

00:33:14Or Iggy.

00:33:16Iggy?

00:33:17Baby, if you only do.

00:33:19I mean, man, have you seen the house?

00:33:22Wow.

00:33:23It's got a backyard for Iggy and everything.

00:33:25Yeah, man.

00:33:26So Alice invited her mother over for dinner.

00:33:29Her mama's coming off.

00:33:30I better come over there with my referee t-shirt on then.

00:33:33She plans on asking her for the money for the house.

00:33:36Wait a minute.

00:33:36You done told Alice about the train money?

00:33:38No.

00:33:39Oh, it's been my experience that too much honesty can ruin a good relationship.

00:33:45Yeah.

00:33:46Look at them over there.

00:33:48What do you think they're talking about?

00:33:50Us.

00:33:51Bad weaves.

00:33:52Fake Louis Vuitton purses.

00:33:54I mean, what do they always talk about?

00:33:56Let's say the conforming interest rate is 6.5% at one and a half points.

00:33:59Now, does that leave us room for a 2-1 buy-down?

00:34:01I don't think you'd want to do that in the first three years, but we could always run the numbers.

00:34:06Hmm.

00:34:07Look at them over there.

00:34:08Aw, dawg, dawg, yeah.

00:34:09What do you think they're talking about?

00:34:11Well, you know how men are.

00:34:12They'd like us to believe they're over there talking about religion or politics or economic injustice.

00:34:17You know all they really care about is...

00:34:19Beyoncé is more peach-shaped, like the way Chaka Khan used to be back in the day.

00:34:24Aw, Chaka Khan used to be built like a bleach bottle back in the day.

00:34:31Yeah.

00:34:33Hey, Agy.

00:34:35Go, go, go.

00:34:36Go!

00:34:39Damn, that dawg can run.

00:34:41Oh, yeah.

00:34:41You better believe it.

00:34:42Norton, that's it.

00:34:46We racing.

00:34:53How many years did you guys say you've been racing Greyhounds?

00:34:56Oh, 11.

00:34:57Oh, yeah.

00:34:5811 years, but six times, almost over, dog years, of course.

00:35:02Right, right.

00:35:03Give or take.

00:35:03Five or ten years.

00:35:05He got in the first.

00:35:06Yeah, actually, I brought him into the business.

00:35:08See, actually, we are brothers.

00:35:11Different mothers.

00:35:12Well, my father used to train neglected chihuahuas.

00:35:14Gentlemen.

00:35:15And then...

00:35:15It really doesn't matter.

00:35:17What I do want to know is how it is you've been racing Greyhound champions for six to 11 years,

00:35:23and I never heard of you.

00:35:25Well, actually, I can explain that.

00:35:27You know, actually, we've, uh, the past few years, we've been racing exclusively in Argentina.

00:35:33Yeah, you might have seen us on Telemundo before.

00:35:35No, I didn't.

00:35:36I didn't know they raced dogs in Argentina.

00:35:38Yeah, ever since the Shah took over, you know things.

00:35:40The Shah of Argentina?

00:35:41Look, Mr. Kirby, we, uh, we got a dog here who's itching to run.

00:35:46Uh, how about this weekend?

00:35:48This weekend is the track's anniversary derby.

00:35:51Oh, good.

00:35:52Sign us up.

00:35:53Gentlemen, gentlemen.

00:35:54That's a $20,000 stakes race.

00:35:57$20,000 American dollars?

00:35:59What he is saying is that we don't normally race for such low stakes, uh, but we only make an exception.

00:36:06Oh, hell yeah.

00:36:06We will make an exception.

00:36:10Well, kennel sickness has hit us pretty hard this week.

00:36:14It's a very extensive screening process.

00:36:17Who's his sire?

00:36:17What's the sire?

00:36:19His dam.

00:36:20His dam what?

00:36:21His lineage.

00:36:22Oh, you talking about his tailor?

00:36:24No, he don't wear clothes.

00:36:25He's got a 10-inch inseam.

00:36:28Mr. Kirby, look, we got a dog.

00:36:30He's ready to run.

00:36:31You've had some scratches.

00:36:33All we want is a chance.

00:36:34That's it.

00:36:35All right.

00:36:38All right.

00:36:38I'm going to give him a time trial tomorrow.

00:36:40If he qualifies, he runs.

00:36:43Oh, man.

00:36:43That's what you say.

00:36:44All right.

00:36:45Who's his trainer?

00:36:45Oh, he don't need no trainer.

00:36:47No.

00:36:47He don't need no trainer.

00:36:48He's housebroken.

00:36:50He needs a trainer.

00:36:55Get Dodge.

00:36:57He's the guy for you.

00:37:05You Dodge?

00:37:12Hell no.

00:37:13You got the wrong sucker.

00:37:15Why, why?

00:37:15Who's asking?

00:37:17We're looking for a trainer.

00:37:20Why didn't you say so, man?

00:37:21What, he's socially retarded?

00:37:24What's up?

00:37:24My name is Dodge.

00:37:25Yeah, what's up?

00:37:27Okay.

00:37:28Who, Mr. Kirby sent you?

00:37:29Yeah.

00:37:30Oh, it's cool, man, because I'm a canine behaviorist.

00:37:32I train, board, and breed greyhounds.

00:37:34I specialize in temperamentally unsound, psychologically unstable,

00:37:37genetical throwbacks.

00:37:38I do not pick up excreta.

00:37:40And I run out of my facilities right out of this place.

00:37:44Says here you sell timeshares in the Poconos.

00:37:47What?

00:37:48Let me see that.

00:37:49Oh, yeah, my bad, man, man.

00:37:51Wrong car, man.

00:37:52Importifications, underage male autoprides,

00:37:54F&M Fashion Consulting.

00:37:56You know what?

00:37:57We don't need cars, man.

00:37:58We don't need cars with dog people.

00:37:59We got a bond, a fellowship.

00:38:01Hey, look at the dog.

00:38:02Look at him.

00:38:03Seems really bright, alert.

00:38:06What's his name?

00:38:07That's Iggy.

00:38:07Yeah, I'm Ralph, and this is it.

00:38:09Hey, Ralph.

00:38:10Hey.

00:38:11You carry your dog around on a rope?

00:38:13You siphon gas out of a car.

00:38:15What's your point, man?

00:38:16What?

00:38:17What, you th-that?

00:38:19Yeah.

00:38:19You think I'm stealing?

00:38:21Man, that's my friend's car.

00:38:22Come on, we prank each other all the time, you know?

00:38:25I siphon gas out of his car,

00:38:26he siphons out of my car.

00:38:28Yadda, yadda, blasey, blasey.

00:38:30Hey, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

00:38:32I'm gonna train your dog for $500.

00:38:34Cash.

00:38:36I don't know.

00:38:37Hey, no, I know.

00:38:37You know what?

00:38:38I'll let you think about it, okay?

00:38:40Give you a moment.

00:38:40No pressure.

00:38:41I don't know.

00:38:42I mean, does this guy look like a dog trainer to you?

00:38:44What does a dog trainer look like?

00:38:46I don't know.

00:38:46But that Kirby said.

00:38:47Yeah, that's what, yeah, Kirby.

00:38:48He said Dodge, right?

00:38:49That's what Kirby said.

00:38:50Okay, all right, okay.

00:38:51We'll do it.

00:38:52We'll do it.

00:38:52All right, good decision, man.

00:38:54$500 cash.

00:38:56That's it, baby.

00:38:56Let me check.

00:38:59Hey, hey.

00:39:00Hey, nice man purse.

00:39:02You mean this fanny pack thing?

00:39:04I got this off a homeless guy in the park for a quarter.

00:39:06I've seen some sucker made like a thousand of these.

00:39:08Hey, what are we gonna do about the training?

00:39:10It's like this.

00:39:10Let me break it down for you, okay?

00:39:12We're a partnership now.

00:39:13A menage a trois, all right?

00:39:14You put in the capital, I put in the experience.

00:39:15At the end, you get the experience, I keep the capital.

00:39:18Is that cool?

00:39:19Great, great.

00:39:21And the thing is, I like to work at night, if you don't mind.

00:39:23During the day, it's just too crowded, you know, 20 people, 20 dogs.

00:39:27So let's say we meet out back over there about 9 sharp.

00:39:30Okay, 9, 9 o'clock.

00:39:31All right, remember, there are no bad dogs, only bad owners, all right?

00:39:35Remember that.

00:39:36I gotta bounce.

00:39:46Hi, Mom.

00:39:47Somewhere around the third flight of stairs, I think I caught TB.

00:39:51Here.

00:39:51Oh, hi.

00:39:53And, oh, and a box of wine.

00:39:55That is so nice.

00:39:57Don't get too excited.

00:39:58I'm taking back what we don't drink.

00:40:00Just have a seat on the couch and relax, and I'll just pop a hole in the top and bring

00:40:04you a glass.

00:40:05Table setting for three.

00:40:06Does that mean he's gonna be here?

00:40:08He lives here.

00:40:09Not for long.

00:40:10Jesus will quit making movies and answer the prayers of a righteous woman.

00:40:13Oh, no.

00:40:28Oh, no.

00:40:30Oh, no.

00:40:31Hates me, big skin.

00:40:39What happened?

00:40:44You married a damn pervert.

00:40:46That's what happened.

00:40:47Look, it was just a big misunderstanding.

00:40:49Nick, you probably say you thought I was Alice.

00:40:51Of course I thought you were Alice.

00:40:53Uh-huh.

00:40:55That's exactly what a pervert would say.

00:40:57Woman, one day you are going to push me too far.

00:41:00The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer.

00:41:03Mom, Mom, how about you go wash up for dinner

00:41:06because everything is under control here.

00:41:08And I'll just deal with my little pervert here.

00:41:16What is she doing here?

00:41:20I'm asking my mother for the money for the house tonight.

00:41:22Tonight?

00:41:23Yes.

00:41:23No, no, no, no, not tonight.

00:41:24Tonight, you can't because Norton and I have to go to the lodge.

00:41:31The lodge?

00:41:32What, he fred Flintstone all of a sudden?

00:41:34The lodge?

00:41:34Look, I, woman, I, I got somewhere to be.

00:41:38That's all you need to know, and that's it.

00:41:42I refuse to lose this house over another one of your half-assed schemes,

00:41:45Ralph Grimton.

00:41:46Half-assed scheme?

00:41:47Mm-hmm.

00:41:48Let me tell you something.

00:41:49This country was built on half-assed schemes.

00:41:53I'm talking about real inventive stuff here,

00:41:55like the guy who came up with the thong, okay?

00:41:57He was short on material, and he used what he had.

00:42:01Mm-hmm.

00:42:02I'm asking my mother for the money for the house tonight,

00:42:05and I expect you, Ralph, to be on your very best behavior.

00:42:07Okay.

00:42:07Ralph.

00:42:09Cramden.

00:42:10Your very best behavior.

00:42:25Well, so far, everything's edible.

00:42:28Uh, how about I get the entrees?

00:42:38Ooh, entrees?

00:42:39You going to France for those?

00:42:47Just one good swing.

00:42:49What you doing?

00:42:52Tracy's coming home.

00:42:52I couldn't let her see Iggy.

00:42:54But you can't leave him here.

00:42:55Alice's mama is over for dinner.

00:42:56She's in there right now asking for housewinner.

00:42:58So if Alice gets the checks and she tries to deposit?

00:43:01Yes, I know.

00:43:02She's going to know the account is empty.

00:43:04That's why this meal can't go well.

00:43:05How you going to do that?

00:43:06I know you're probably in there eating all our dinners.

00:43:09Just don't make the same mistake you made last time.

00:43:12When you hit plates, stop.

00:43:16Ah, ha, ha, ha.

00:43:19Ah, ha, ha, ha.

00:43:23Ah, ha, ha.

00:43:28Oh, you're going straight to hell for this one.

00:43:33Mother Gibson, that's free-range chicken.

00:43:36Oh, what a chicken does on his free time is no never mind to me.

00:43:40Oh, this is way too much food for me.

00:43:42I'm on a diet.

00:43:42Oh, here, take my plate.

00:43:43I don't have that much.

00:43:44Oh, thank you, baby.

00:43:45You know, I wanted your mother to have the white meat.

00:43:47Oh, no, I'm perfectly happy with the dog.

00:43:50Oh, give me the white meat, then.

00:43:51No, it's fine.

00:43:52No, give it.

00:43:52Rob.

00:43:52No, no, give me the white meat.

00:43:55Give me the plate, woman.

00:43:57Mom.

00:44:00Mmm.

00:44:01Mmm, mmm.

00:44:02The chicken is delicious.

00:44:05Ralph, eat.

00:44:07Yeah, I've never seen you turn down food before.

00:44:16So, what do you want, Alice?

00:44:19You know what?

00:44:19I thought we'd wait till after dinner to talk about that.

00:44:21I thought you'd marry a lawyer.

00:44:24Apparently, we both thought wrong.

00:44:27Come on, let me guess.

00:44:28You need money?

00:44:30We want to buy a house.

00:44:31It's a duplex, actually, with Ed and Trixie.

00:44:33Yeah, you know, truth be told, buying a house is a big investment.

00:44:37Yeah, that is the truth.

00:44:39That is the truth.

00:44:40I mean, it hurts, you know?

00:44:41I can see that.

00:44:43I've never seen you so torn up without money before.

00:44:45We are putting in all of our savings, but we're still a little short.

00:44:48About $10,000.

00:44:49$10,000?

00:44:52Who do you think I am, Wheezy Jefferson?

00:44:54God rest her soul.

00:44:56But it's a beautiful duplex, Mama, with a backyard and everything.

00:44:59Right near the diner, even.

00:45:01Mm-hmm.

00:45:02So, what do you think?

00:45:03I think you should have married little Larry Fillmore.

00:45:05I heard he's taking over the funeral home.

00:45:09Just give me some time to marinate on it.

00:45:12It's fair enough.

00:45:14There's something wrong with you.

00:45:15Yeah, you know, it's just that we've been so worried about asking you for the money for the house and, you know, sharing a meal over it.

00:45:23It's just a beautiful thing.

00:45:24I'm ready for dessert.

00:45:26Anybody?

00:45:26Yeah, Mama brought a pie.

00:45:27And Mama's gonna go get it.

00:45:28Your Mama's coming to the kitchen?

00:45:31Your Mama's going to the kitchen.

00:45:33Tell the truth.

00:45:35You're on the pipe, aren't you, boy?

00:45:36Oh, there it is, my famous apple crumble crisp pie.

00:45:47Oh, I don't even want to know.

00:45:51Where do you keep the paper towels?

00:45:53Oh, right up under the, uh, we don't have any.

00:45:57We, uh, you know, I don't believe in that with the rainforest and everything.

00:46:01You know, there's something really, really wrong with you.

00:46:06Oh, where's the dog?

00:46:11He's right there.

00:46:17Look, we gotta go right now.

00:46:18They said if we don't get there by nine, we can't even race.

00:46:21Well, they're not gonna let me leave right now.

00:46:23Ralph, what are you doing?

00:46:24Come join us for dessert.

00:46:25Okay, babe.

00:46:27I'll be in there just a second.

00:46:28The pilot light went out.

00:46:30It's fixing the pilot.

00:46:32It's handy.

00:46:33Well, how do we get out of here?

00:46:34Pies came.

00:46:38Oh, hell no.

00:46:39Boy, are you coming in here or not?

00:46:41My pie is getting stale.

00:46:42Stale.

00:46:44I got another riddle for you.

00:46:46What's lighter than a feather, but yet the strongest man can't hold it very long, huh?

00:46:51Not now, doing it, okay?

00:46:52I'm trying not to break my neck a bit.

00:46:54Come on, Ralph.

00:46:55What's lighter than a feather?

00:46:56Your breath.

00:46:57Wow, you're a genius.

00:46:59Ralph?

00:46:59Almost got it, babe.

00:47:01I'll be right there.

00:47:03Hey, you sure this thing can hold us?

00:47:05We come down this all the time, Ralph.

00:47:10Oh, man.

00:47:12Norton, you know I hate heights.

00:47:15Come on, Ralph.

00:47:15You can do it.

00:47:16Just chill, man.

00:47:18Help us.

00:47:20I can't, man.

00:47:21I ain't gonna be able to do this, man.

00:47:22Ralph, you gonna get us busted.

00:47:23Jesus.

00:47:25All slow.

00:47:27Hold on, Ralph.

00:47:29Come on, Ralph.

00:47:30What's the noise, Ralph?

00:47:31Come on.

00:47:32Come on.

00:47:33I think I'm cool, right?

00:47:35I'm good.

00:47:35See, Ralph, it ain't that bad.

00:47:38Oh, Jesus.

00:47:41You see me, babe?

00:47:49No.

00:47:50Now, where did that crazy husband of yours run off to?

00:47:53You know, Mom, I think he said something about a meeting at the lodge tonight.

00:47:57Oh, well.

00:47:59That's more dessert for us.

00:48:03Ralph, I gotta confess something to you.

00:48:07Just, man, just hold on.

00:48:09We're gonna die.

00:48:09I gotta get my life right with the Lord.

00:48:12One day, I was coming down there to get some milk from y'all on the fire escape.

00:48:17Then I seen that I was naked.

00:48:19I ain't lying.

00:48:21And sometimes, I think about it.

00:48:28Oh, my God.

00:48:30Oh, my God.

00:48:31Oh, my God.

00:48:32Oh, my God.

00:48:33Oh, my God.

00:48:34Oh, my God.

00:48:35Oh, my God.

00:48:36Oh, my God.

00:48:37Oh, my God.

00:48:38Oh, my God.

00:48:39Oh, my God.

00:48:40I forgot my keys.

00:48:42Yeah, right.

00:48:43Hey, I'm not gonna lie to you, man.

00:48:45I'm having problems, okay?

00:48:46My wife left me.

00:48:48All right, technically, she's not my wife.

00:48:50She's anybody else's.

00:48:51But the pain leave is all the same, you know what I mean?

00:48:53Oh, my God.

00:48:54What's going on?

00:48:59It's okay.

00:49:00It's okay, man.

00:49:00No problem.

00:49:00Are we breaking in here?

00:49:02We're not breaking in.

00:49:03Why are you profiling me, baby?

00:49:05Why are you profiling me?

00:49:06It's a competitive business.

00:49:07I don't want other trainers to steal my secrets.

00:49:12OK, fellas.

00:49:13Dog racing is about show business, and the show counts.

00:49:17And it starts the minute you walk your dog

00:49:18onto the battlefield.

00:49:20And this is the walk.

00:49:25Crisp, crisp, crisp, crisp, crisp, crisp, crisp.

00:49:27I'm down, I'm down, I'm down.

00:49:28Confidence.

00:49:29Don't be arrogant, don't be arrogant.

00:49:30It's not a tug of war.

00:49:31It's not a tug of war.

00:49:32Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:49:33Watch out, watch out.

00:49:34Get the door, get the door, get the door, get the door.

00:49:38There you go, good boy.

00:49:40He's great, man, great.

00:49:41Six, five pounds, less than 4% body fat, all muscles, yeah.

00:49:47You know, I had a French aerobics teacher.

00:49:49Leslie was her name.

00:49:49Just like that, really flexible, except not enough soft places.

00:49:52You know what I'm saying, right?

00:49:57OK, for Iggy to be competitive, he's got to run at least

00:49:59a 32.30.

00:50:00It's a moment of truth, fellas.

00:50:02Ralph, Eddie, you ready?

00:50:04Three, two, one.

00:50:10All right, fellas.

00:50:11We went into a couple problems.

00:50:13Nothing minor.

00:50:14I got a trainer's mind.

00:50:15That's it, Iggy.

00:50:16Relax, relax.

00:50:17That's it.

00:50:18Good boy.

00:50:19Breathe.

00:50:20Breathe.

00:50:21That's it.

00:50:22Ruff, ruff, ruff.

00:50:23Ruff, ruff, ruff.

00:50:24Ruff, ruff, ruff.

00:50:25Ruff, ruff, ruff.

00:50:26Ruff, ruff, ruff.

00:50:27Ruff.

00:50:28Ruff.

00:50:29Ruff.

00:50:30Ruff.

00:50:31Ruff.

00:50:32Ruff.

00:50:33Ruff.

00:50:34Ruff.

00:50:35Ruff.

00:50:36You know, my parents find it really difficult to explain to people what I do for a living.

00:50:40Who?

00:50:41Iggy, you are one of the most ancient canine breeds.

00:50:45The pharaoh's favorite.

00:50:47The Greek king's son.

00:50:49You're a born winner.

00:50:50A born winner, boy.

00:50:51Live up to it.

00:50:59I don't know, I don't know.

00:51:03Listen to me push, okay?

00:51:05I'm talking to you.

00:51:06Nobody push on Tony Montana, you hear me?

00:51:08You're a dog.

00:51:09It's a racetrack.

00:51:11You can win this thing.

00:51:13Iggy, baby, listen to me.

00:51:15I'm not who you think I am.

00:51:16I'm not the best trainer in the world, man.

00:51:18You know, I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

00:51:20They wanted me to get you pregnant by a pit bull.

00:51:23Iggy, Iggy, look at me when I'm talking to you.

00:51:26Your dogs would have had little bodies with big heads and just walking down the street like this.

00:51:30You could have been a contender, but instead you're a bum.

00:51:35You win that race, you get the power, and then you get the bitches.

00:51:39Oh, yeah, so many bitches.

00:51:42Let's go.

00:51:48All right, fellas.

00:51:49The dogs are straight up dud.

00:51:50What?

00:51:51I'm a dud.

00:51:52The dogs are dud.

00:51:53You're a trainer.

00:51:54Train the dog.

00:51:55I've seen this dog move.

00:51:56I've seen it move, too.

00:51:57You're a dud, Iggy.

00:51:58Were you drinking at the time when you saw him move?

00:52:02Iggy, it's not that hard.

00:52:04Watch this.

00:52:05Let me think about it.

00:52:06Let me just think.

00:52:07Let me think.

00:52:08I got it.

00:52:09I got it.

00:52:10Why don't we Nancy Kerrigan the other dogs?

00:52:12You mean hit the dogs in the knee?

00:52:13No, no, just the back.

00:52:14The hind legs.

00:52:15No.

00:52:16All right.

00:52:17Doesn't look too aggressive for you.

00:52:18Don't worry about it.

00:52:19Vitamins?

00:52:20A little stronger than that.

00:52:21Works for me.

00:52:22Nobody needs to know.

00:52:23They don't scream dogs.

00:52:24They don't?

00:52:25No, no.

00:52:26Nobody needs to know.

00:52:27It's just what you hear me.

00:52:28What'd you get?

00:52:29It was fast.

00:52:30Hey, nice lap, Norton.

00:52:31Eddie.

00:52:32Eddie, what do you think?

00:52:33I don't know how we're going to get this dog to ride.

00:52:36Hmm?

00:52:37Hmm?

00:52:38Hmm?

00:52:39Hmm?

00:52:40Hmm?

00:52:41Hmm?

00:52:42Hmm?

00:52:43Hmm?

00:52:44Hmm?

00:52:45Hmm?

00:52:46Hmm?

00:52:47Hmm?

00:52:48Hmm?

00:52:49Hmm?

00:52:50Hmm?

00:52:51Hmm?

00:52:52Hmm?

00:52:53Hmm?

00:52:54Hmm?

00:52:55Hmm?

00:52:56Hmm?

00:52:57Hmm?

00:52:58Hmm?

00:52:59Hmm?

00:53:00Hmm?

00:53:01Hmm?

00:53:02Hmm?

00:53:03Hmm?

00:53:04Hmm?

00:53:05Hmm?

00:53:06Hey, boss, pst.

00:53:07Check that out.

00:53:08You've impressed with it, ain't ya?

00:53:10He's in.

00:53:12Yeah!

00:53:13Assuming you have all the proper paperwork, you bring it to the owner's party here tomorrow night.

00:53:19Not a problem, Mr. Kirby, we'll have that paperwork for you. We will definitely have the paperwork tomorrow.

00:53:24What paperwork?

00:53:25paperwork is a dog's paperwork documenting authenticity of line license to race proof of

00:53:30insurance membership in the greyhound association of america oh wow all the things you ain't got

00:53:35oh we can get it oh no you can't because you know why it's a three-week hold on the license alone

00:53:39man but you know what because you're my friends i'll expedite it for six hundred dollars and i'll

00:53:43get it to you by six hundred dollars no no no no that's a lie you already charged us for the

00:53:47kennel yeah the dog leash sixty dollars for puppy chow that was pedigree puppy chow man

00:53:52i got overhead all right three hundred dollars

00:53:59excuse me are you the healthy inspector i look nice and clean spotless no no no i need to speak

00:54:05to alice crampton please oh alice is busy excuse me do you know who i am uh no no you know who i am

00:54:14i was born in a one-bedroom farmhouse with five brothers who i raised i was born in china

00:54:20eight eight years ago in a chinese rice field i served my country in vietnam where i was a golden

00:54:25gloves champion three years running before when i come my english is not good looking but now i speak

00:54:30perfect i raised six kids buried two husbands and am on the lookout for number three can i call you

00:54:37you next week what mama what are you doing here oh hi baby i i just thought i'd drop this off in person

00:54:48thank you

00:54:49well i was skeptical ralph seems so genuinely worried about it i figured maybe he's just coming

00:55:04around yeah maybe he is thank you mama

00:55:24here to reconsider my offer i'm actually here to give mrs b some news some really good news

00:55:30uh she's not here please share it with me i'd love to we're gonna own this place

00:55:37yeah ed and trixie upstairs and me and ralph down ralph ralph my husband oh what what's so funny

00:55:47i'm sorry it's just you don't come monday you'll be trespassing

00:55:51tell me this if there's no money in her account then why is this waitress hanging around my property

00:56:00sir i told you i checked they have nothing no they've got something chip they've got something

00:56:06somewhere find out what the husband is up to ralph cramden

00:56:11that woman i was telling you about her name is malena she's porto rican my god

00:56:22i've tried to talk to her but words won't come i can tell you a thing or two about women that's

00:56:28if you're ready to hear it it all begins with letting her know who's boss very important

00:56:33alice what what are you doing here i just came from the bank it's a funny story you want to hear

00:56:42it let her know who's boss ralph uh uh look uh i can explain oh can you can you now i tell the bank

00:56:50i want to withdraw four thousand dollars and they tell me not only is our account empty oh but here's

00:56:55the punch line we're overdrawn by 223.60 oh the bank said that no no no it's got to be a mistake baby

00:57:03because i don't know nothing about no 60 cents where's the money ralph i can explain all right

00:57:10but you know take it out of context it might sound a little crazy try me

00:57:19norton and i found a train in the sewers i want you out of the apartment ralph

00:57:25hold on babe wait a minute listen listen and then we got this dog out of the dumpster

00:57:30i don't want to hear i'm done come on baby just 24 more hours okay 24 more hours and then we can

00:57:36get on to the life we both dreamed of and what life is that ralph huh you've always been so obsessed

00:57:42with your own dreams that you never even bothered with mine i mean how can you say that i want the

00:57:47house just as much as you do then why haven't you been by to see it because

00:57:52i mean because you're selfish ralph crampton and i'm done playing the fool

00:58:09come on move it all right yeah yeah yeah go ahead be my guest

00:58:15stephanie

00:58:29You know, luckily for me, man, I'm near sadness.

00:58:47I can date just about anybody, you know?

00:58:48I understand what you're saying.

00:58:50Like, I'm dating this lady right now.

00:58:51She's about 40, 40-plus, whatever.

00:58:53I mean, I don't want to marry her for her money,

00:58:54but I don't know how else to get it.

00:58:56You know what I'm saying?

00:58:56You know, someday I'm going to find somebody special

00:59:00who's not going to press charges in time.

00:59:02There he is, finally.

00:59:08Hey, keep it close.

00:59:09Ralphie boy.

00:59:11Ralph, what are you wearing, man?

00:59:12This is an A-list party.

00:59:13You got D-list all over you, man.

00:59:15Look at me.

00:59:16I'm wearing new underwear, even.

00:59:17Well, they needed me anyway.

00:59:18Look, I couldn't change, okay?

00:59:20Alice kicked me out the house.

00:59:21Again?

00:59:22She found out about the money

00:59:23and met in a mug about the house.

00:59:26It's serious.

00:59:27Don't worry about it, Ralph.

00:59:28Tomorrow, when Iggy's in that winning circle,

00:59:31we're going to get paid,

00:59:32and the money will buy the girls the house.

00:59:34Yeah, maybe you're right.

00:59:36Hey, you got the paperwork for Kirby.

00:59:37Man, I never disappoint,

00:59:38because I'm always on point, baby.

00:59:40Hey, let's do this, man.

00:59:41Ralph, they're not going to let you in

00:59:43dressed like a thug.

00:59:44Uh-uh.

00:59:45What thug drives a bus?

00:59:47Besides, where am I going to find a suit at this hour?

00:59:48Ahem, ahem, ahem.

00:59:54Man, Ralph, you looking real temptation-like

00:59:56in that suit.

00:59:57I know you ain't trying to Joan

00:59:59looking like the last blues, brother.

01:00:01No, man, you look great.

01:00:02You look like a plucked sunflower.

01:00:03Girls love flowers, man.

01:00:04Wow, you know, I love all your stuff.

01:00:07I really, really do.

01:00:08Hey, what stuff is she talking about, Ralph?

01:00:10I have no idea.

01:00:11You guys are great.

01:00:13Looking forward to it.

01:00:14What's going on here, man?

01:00:15They must know we own Iggy.

01:00:17I'm telling you that doll's a winner, Ralph.

01:00:19Whatever.

01:00:20Hey, let's find Kirby.

01:00:21Right, right, right.

01:00:23You killed me.

01:00:25Hey, Mr. Kirby, how are you?

01:00:27Oh, hey.

01:00:28I'm fine, I'm fine.

01:00:30Mr. Crampton, that is quite a suit.

01:00:34You dig that suit, huh?

01:00:35It will suit you, but unfortunately,

01:00:36I'm out of the banana yellow.

01:00:37I got some punkin' left.

01:00:38Punkin', yes, I don't know about the punkin'.

01:00:40It's, uh, Mr. Kirby, I got the paperwork for you.

01:00:42Iggy to be in the race tomorrow.

01:00:43Iggy won't be in the race tomorrow.

01:00:45Oh, he's been scratched.

01:00:46Scratch?

01:00:47What do you mean, scratch?

01:00:48Oh, man, what the hell?

01:00:49Scratch?

01:00:49I brought the top people.

01:00:50I wasn't proceeding to get this through.

01:00:52Come on.

01:00:53I'll be perfectly honest with you.

01:00:55You see, my new friend over there

01:00:57has just paid a good amount of cash

01:00:59to keep your dog out of the race.

01:01:01Here we go.

01:01:02Wait a minute.

01:01:03Who is this guy?

01:01:04William Davis.

01:01:05I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

01:01:07No, we haven't had the pleasure,

01:01:08because if we had been pleasured,

01:01:10I think we'd have known about him.

01:01:11I wonder if you don't talk, man.

01:01:16Davis.

01:01:18Davis Properties, Davis?

01:01:20That's right.

01:01:21That's the one trick he was talking about.

01:01:22And you are...

01:01:24Ralph Crampton.

01:01:28Oh, yes.

01:01:30Well, it's just business.

01:01:32Nothing personal.

01:01:36How's it just per...

01:01:37It's just business.

01:01:39And since our business is over,

01:01:41why don't you stay, enjoy the buffet,

01:01:43and buy yourself some drinks?

01:01:45You wrong, man.

01:01:45Come on, Mr. Kirby.

01:01:46It's me and boss.

01:01:47Boss, talk to me, baby.

01:01:49That was a police move, man.

01:01:51Let it go, let it go.

01:01:52You mean let it go?

01:01:53Just let it go.

01:01:53Man, I'm sitting up here looking like a rubber ducky,

01:01:56and you talking about let it go?

01:01:57Well, I just have a little free punches on me,

01:02:00lighten things up a little bit,

01:02:01because I've been thinking and thinking,

01:02:03and it doesn't look good.

01:02:05It doesn't smell good.

01:02:07Those shrimp's got me with the bubble guts.

01:02:10Look, Ralph, Ralph,

01:02:11you can't be hating on Kirby, man.

01:02:13You can't.

01:02:13He's a self-made businessman,

01:02:15just like you and me.

01:02:16You know, he started out with $5,000,

01:02:18now he's $2 or $3 million in debt.

01:02:19You gotta admire that.

01:02:20Now, I ain't got no taste,

01:02:21but I gotta admire that, you know?

01:02:22I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ralph.

01:02:25But sometimes the world is cold like that.

01:02:26It is about money sometimes.

01:02:28Yeah, it's about money.

01:02:30Look at Kirby.

01:02:31He thought for one second he can get paid with Iggy.

01:02:34We wouldn't even be in this situation.

01:02:35I have been looking everywhere for you two.

01:02:39Come on.

01:02:39What's going on?

01:02:40We're late.

01:02:41Come on.

01:02:41Late for what?

01:02:42Who do you think we are?

01:02:44Come on, Chang.

01:02:45Everyone knows your answer.

01:02:45What about, what about me?

01:02:46I'm excited to finally meet you.

01:02:48How many times I told you not to call this number, huh?

01:02:51Yeah, why?

01:02:52Why are you gonna call the cops?

01:02:53Why are you gonna call the cops?

01:02:53I was gonna be there.

01:02:54I'll give you the money on Friday, right?

01:02:56Mom.

01:02:57You were supposed to start five minutes ago.

01:03:00Get up there.

01:03:01Huh?

01:03:01Now remember, you're getting paid per set.

01:03:05Okay.

01:03:06Go on.

01:03:07She said we was getting paid.

01:03:10Go on here.

01:03:20Hey.

01:03:22I have an idea.

01:03:24What kind of idea?

01:03:24Just follow my lead.

01:03:27It's gonna be great.

01:03:29Test.

01:03:29Testing.

01:03:29Oh, yeah.

01:03:31This is great.

01:03:32This is good.

01:03:32One, two, three.

01:03:34Oh, yeah.

01:03:34Everybody follow me.

01:03:36How are you, my man?

01:03:36Good seeing you.

01:03:37This is some party, don't you think?

01:03:39Beautiful people here.

01:03:41Uh, this evening.

01:03:42Hey, listen.

01:03:43How many dreamers, by a show of hands, do we have?

01:03:46Where are the dreamers?

01:03:48All the dreamers?

01:03:49All around there, those dreamers.

01:03:52I'm a dreamer.

01:03:53Hey.

01:03:54The dog.

01:03:56The dog.

01:03:57What?

01:03:57Right.

01:04:01I got it.

01:04:02I got it, baby.

01:04:02Yeah.

01:04:03Yeah.

01:04:03I got this one.

01:04:04Yeah.

01:04:06You almost got me.

01:04:07Well, I, too, am a dreamer.

01:04:09And I had a dream that my dog would race on this beautiful track tomorrow afternoon.

01:04:14But that dream just won't happen because our dog has been scratched due to financial technicalities.

01:04:32Oh.

01:04:33Oh.

01:04:33Eddie, left-hands in ordinary, everybody.

01:04:43What a surprise that is.

01:04:48You don't know the half of it.

01:04:50But Eddie's beautiful music only underscores the fact that my dog has been scratched.

01:04:56Scratched on paper, but not scratched in spirit.

01:05:00And this man dies.

01:05:03This is Dodge, our trainer, and this is Dodge and our dog, Iggy.

01:05:09And I know to look at him, I'm sure he looks a little mangy and sickly-looking and in need of a bath.

01:05:15But I tell you, Iggy's a special dog.

01:05:19You know, we found Iggy in a dumpster, damn near dead, hadn't eaten in days.

01:05:25But like most underdogs, Iggy's a survivor, like Seabiscuit, Rocky, Destiny's Child, all survivors.

01:05:33You know, I guess I'm just saying this to say that, Mr. Kirby, I don't know why you're not letting our dog race tomorrow,

01:05:39but he's already a winner in my book.

01:05:42And I'll put money on my dumpster dog any day of the week.

01:05:45Yeah, yeah.

01:05:46Any day, Brown.

01:05:48What's going on?

01:05:49Me too.

01:05:49You're not buying any of this crap, are you?

01:05:54A homeless dumpster dog.

01:05:56You're kidding.

01:05:57People are going to be falling all over themselves betting on him.

01:06:00Mr. Davis, I'm sorry.

01:06:02If that dog wins, I'm screwed.

01:06:04That dog will never win.

01:06:05You see for yourself.

01:06:08Mr. Cramded.

01:06:10Iggy.

01:06:11He's in.

01:06:12He's in.

01:06:13He's in.

01:06:14He's in.

01:06:16He's in.

01:06:17He's in.

01:06:18He's in.

01:06:19He's in.

01:06:20Excuse me.

01:06:21What's going on here?

01:06:23She runs it.

01:06:23It's my piano.

01:06:26He's in.

01:06:27He's in.

01:06:28He's in.

01:06:29He's in.

01:06:30Ralph Cramden, if you think you can just waltz back in here and everything's going to be fine,

01:06:42you have another...

01:06:44Oh.

01:06:45It's you guys.

01:06:46And that dog.

01:06:49What's going on?

01:06:50Ed's got quite a story.

01:06:52He wants you to hear it.

01:06:53Hey, you won't be up there.

01:07:16Who?

01:07:17Dodge.

01:07:18That's who you're looking for, right?

01:07:19Oh, sure.

01:07:20Exactly.

01:07:20Dodge.

01:07:21Yeah.

01:07:21Hey, Dodge.

01:07:23Dodge.

01:07:25Hey.

01:07:25Hey, guys.

01:07:26What's up?

01:07:27How you doing?

01:07:28You probably thought that I was stealing his money, right?

01:07:30Well, no.

01:07:30We're friends.

01:07:31We do it all the time.

01:07:32Lonnie.

01:07:33Lonnie.

01:07:33Hey.

01:07:34Tag, you're in, man.

01:07:35See you at the barbecue next weekend.

01:07:37Damn.

01:07:38Look at you fellas, man.

01:07:39You look mac and pack and black-a-doshes.

01:07:42Your first race.

01:07:43You know, if Iggy wins that first heat, man, we're going to go for the real money in the second

01:07:46race, all right?

01:07:47Now, go up.

01:07:48I'm going to take Iggy.

01:07:49I want you guys to go up to the owner's booth, all right?

01:07:51Go up into the box up there.

01:07:52Enjoy yourselves, man.

01:07:53I know we're nervous.

01:08:00What are you looking for?

01:08:01I'm just...

01:08:02Where's that popcorn man?

01:08:05She's not coming, Norton.

01:08:08I know you tried.

01:08:09You're my boy.

01:08:11Yeah.

01:08:11Yeah, yeah.

01:08:12It's okay.

01:08:14Should we go down there?

01:08:15No, no, no, Trix, I'm not ready yet.

01:08:18Are you waiting to see if he wins?

01:08:19No.

01:08:20Wait to see if he loses.

01:08:23No, it'll kill him.

01:08:24Ladies and gentlemen, it's mulch time for our qualifying heat.

01:08:28All right, let's go Iggy.

01:08:29Do it, babe.

01:08:30Ready to go.

01:08:30Go six!

01:08:35And they're off.

01:08:39Go Iggy!

01:08:39Go!

01:08:40Go!

01:08:41Go!

01:08:42Go!

01:08:43Go!

01:08:44Go!

01:08:45Go!

01:08:46Go!

01:08:47Go!

01:08:48Go!

01:08:49Go!

01:08:50Go!

01:08:51Go!

01:08:52Go!

01:08:53Go!

01:08:54Go!

01:08:55Go!

01:08:56Go!

01:08:57Go!

01:08:58Go!

01:08:59Go!

01:09:06Face up!

01:09:07Face up!

01:09:10The results of the qualifying lead in first place, Number 6, Iggy, with the time of 31-9.

01:09:14We were going to get them up.

01:09:16We were all that way, baby!

01:09:18That dog is unbeatable.

01:09:19Don't worry about it.

01:09:21That was just the first heat.

01:09:22The final is a whole different ballgame.

01:09:25Now that puts him in the race for the money, right?

01:09:27Yeah, yeah.

01:09:28Not only Ralph.

01:09:29Our future depends on a dog race.

01:09:32I didn't.

01:09:33I didn't sleep with her.

01:09:34I just loaned a 10K for plastic surgery.

01:09:37Now I don't even know what she looks like.

01:09:38All right.

01:09:39All right.

01:09:40Yo, fellas, he's as ready as he ever going to be now.

01:09:43Come on, Iggy.

01:09:43We got to review our strategy, baby.

01:09:46Norton, it's a dog.

01:09:47Ralph, stop hating.

01:09:48I'm trying to get Iggy to visualize his success.

01:09:51Well, you get him to visualize going back to that dumpster.

01:09:53That'll give him something to think about.

01:10:01Sorry, guys.

01:10:02I'm nervous.

01:10:03Iggy's got this one in the bag, Ralph.

01:10:05I don't know, fellas.

01:10:06I don't know, man.

01:10:07This race is a lot tougher than you guys think.

01:10:09Oh, man, there you go, Hayden.

01:10:10Iggy is going to...

01:10:11Them other dogs ain't...

01:10:12Damn!

01:10:16That ain't a damn dog.

01:10:17That's a horse.

01:10:18Welcome to the big time, fellas.

01:10:20Welcome to the big time.

01:10:21Come on, Iggy.

01:10:21If you win that race, you get this.

01:10:29What do you think?

01:10:30No, let's not jinx him.

01:10:31Let's just see him after the race.

01:10:32After they win the money?

01:10:34Let's hope.

01:10:35Now the featured race of the day,

01:10:37the New Jersey Park Stadium Anniversary Derby

01:10:40for a $20,000 enterprise first.

01:10:43You hear that bell?

01:10:44Run like hell.

01:10:45Go get him, Iggy.

01:10:47Come on, do everything I taught you.

01:10:48Come on.

01:10:49Come on.

01:10:50Come on.

01:10:51Get out of there.

01:11:17Come on.

01:11:19Come on.

01:11:23I'll bet he's in trouble.

01:11:25He's boxed in.

01:11:27I need to win.

01:11:31Maybe he needs his good luck charm.

01:11:33Come on, Iggy.

01:11:35Win this race in shorts.

01:11:36Come on.

01:11:53Come on.

01:11:54at the finish line it's bahama mama henry the fifth and that long dog takes third

01:12:04all owners please proceed to the clubhouse for the presentation of the twenty thousand dollar purse

01:12:11what were you thinking distracting them like that i was just trying to encourage them ralph

01:12:20well you encouraged them all right you encouraged them away from twenty thousand dollars ralph stop

01:12:26yelling at me he's gonna think you yelling at him i'm not yelling at the dog he's just a dumb animal

01:12:30what's your excuse ralph ed you know we needed this money now alice will never take me back because

01:12:37of you ralph calm down i thought i thought we were boys no no we're not boys we're not friends

01:12:44we're not nothing i'm done that's the way you feel that's how i feel instead of my fire escape

01:12:51come on ricky come on y'all

01:12:55alice

01:13:00you

01:13:12you

01:13:23you

01:13:25you

01:13:38you

01:13:42pet cactus what was i thinking

01:13:44you

01:13:57you

01:13:59you

01:14:01you

01:14:03you

01:14:05you

01:14:07you

01:14:20you

01:14:22you

01:14:28you

01:14:30you

01:14:32you

01:14:34you

01:14:36you

01:15:01you

01:15:03you

01:15:05you

01:15:06you

01:15:07you

01:15:08you

01:15:10you

01:15:23i

01:15:32I'm going to need a check right now.

01:15:49Hey, Larry.

01:15:50Ralph Crandon.

01:15:51What's going on?

01:15:52What, are you in trouble?

01:15:53Look, man, I got to get to you.

01:15:55Q's Diner by 9 a.m.

01:15:56You go that way, right?

01:15:57Not by 9 a.m.

01:15:58I mean, look at it.

01:15:59It's like total gridlock.

01:16:02Hey, Q, it's Ralph Crandon.

01:16:07It's Alice's husband.

01:16:08Oh, no, no, she's not here.

01:16:10No, I got the check for the house.

01:16:11I'm trying to talk to health.

01:16:12The health inspector here.

01:16:14Health inspector.

01:16:14Don't hang up, Q.

01:16:16I got to get over there.

01:16:19Welcome to your new positions in the New York City sewer system.

01:16:23Today, you'll join an elite group of dedicated and dependable professionals.

01:16:27You lucky few have survived a rigorous application process,

01:16:31interviews, and psychological profiles.

01:16:34Actually, Ed, these are all convicted felons of violent crimes taking part in a work-release program.

01:16:41And since there's no questions, I got one for you.

01:16:45Two men are born five blocks apart.

01:16:50They've been best friends for 30 years, until one of them says some really stupid things he didn't mean.

01:16:57How does he get the other guy to forgive him?

01:17:00I'm not the one who's good at riddles.

01:17:01Remember, Ralph?

01:17:03Neither am I.

01:17:04What are you talking about?

01:17:07You know that book of riddles you keep on your coffee table?

01:17:12I found it.

01:17:14Got me a copy and memorized it.

01:17:17You mean to tell me?

01:17:18Oh, ah!

01:17:20Look at that.

01:17:21Norton.

01:17:24Norton.

01:17:25Come on, Norton.

01:17:26What, Ralph?

01:17:27What?

01:17:28You've always thought I was the smart one.

01:17:31And if you ever stop thinking that, then I don't know what I would be anymore.

01:17:40You really mean that, Ralph?

01:17:43Yeah.

01:17:44I'm sorry.

01:17:49Come on, Eddie.

01:17:50Don't start, man.

01:17:51Will you?

01:17:52Will you come down here and make me cry for all these comics right now?

01:17:55No, stop it, man.

01:17:56You know what I mean?

01:17:57I'm trying to just say what I got to say.

01:18:00Look, hey.

01:18:01Look, man.

01:18:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:18:03You know what I'm saying?

01:18:03I got a tear.

01:18:04Do I have a tear in my eye?

01:18:05No, you're okay.

01:18:06Look, this doesn't change everything.

01:18:08We still have issues between each other.

01:18:10Look, okay, I understand that.

01:18:12But I got the money for the house.

01:18:14You did?

01:18:14But I got to get the check to the diner before 9 a.m.

01:18:17And it's total gridlock up there.

01:18:19I need someone who knows the city beneath the city.

01:18:22I need a specialist.

01:18:23I need you, Eddie.

01:18:25I got you.

01:18:29But I have conditions.

01:18:31Condition number one, you got to start letting me pick stuff.

01:18:35What are you talking about?

01:18:36You always get to pick the restaurants.

01:18:38You always get to pick the movies.

01:18:39That's because if we let you pick stuff, nothing would ever get decided.

01:18:50Fine!

01:18:50You can pick stuff.

01:18:51Second up, when we get around new people, you have to start referring to me as head work.

01:18:59No, dude.

01:19:01Only you would pick a shortcut like this.

01:19:04That's another one.

01:19:05You got to stop making fun of me.

01:19:07I'll admit, the way I do things is a little unorthodox, but that's me.

01:19:11The way you do things is ridiculous.

01:19:13Oh, I'm the one who looks ridiculous?

01:19:16Yeah!

01:19:16What?

01:19:17What?

01:19:18What?

01:19:19What?

01:19:20What?

01:19:21What?

01:19:22That ain't even funny.

01:19:23Oh, yes, it is.

01:19:24We got to go.

01:19:25Come on.

01:19:25Let's ride.

01:19:26Okay, Ralph, this is the big one.

01:19:31You got to promise to me that you will never yell at me or get mad at me ever, ever again.

01:19:37Done.

01:19:37Put it on your family jewels.

01:19:39Put it on my family jewels.

01:19:40Fine.

01:19:41I put it on my family jewels that I will never get mad or holler at you again.

01:19:47Good.

01:19:48Because we're lost.

01:19:49You!

01:19:52Family jewels.

01:19:53So, Edward, how do you suggest we proceed from here?

01:19:59Well, there's two ways we can go.

01:20:01Either that way or that way.

01:20:04Why don't we let you pick?

01:20:06Let me pick?

01:20:07That's my man.

01:20:08That's what I'm talking about.

01:20:10Which way?

01:20:11That way.

01:20:17It's this way, Ralph.

01:20:18This should be it.

01:20:23Straight up.

01:20:23Let's go.

01:20:31Hey, Norton, this is it.

01:20:32You my man, dog.

01:20:36Ah!

01:20:37Whoa!

01:20:37Get out!

01:20:40Oh, yes.

01:20:43Ralph, what are you waiting for?

01:20:51There's an S-U-P on the manhole cover.

01:20:53You're yelling, Ralph.

01:20:55This way is hot.

01:20:57And it's dangerous.

01:20:57Okay, another manhole two blocks down.

01:21:00Come on, bud.

01:21:01Did you think we're too late?

01:21:03Not if she hadn't signed yet.

01:21:08You don't have to read it.

01:21:09Oh, glad you two made up.

01:21:13But Alice isn't here, Ralph.

01:21:14She didn't want to stick around and watch that.

01:21:18Ma'am, don't sign that!

01:21:21That's no good.

01:21:23That's good.

01:21:24Miss Benvenuti.

01:21:25Oh, no, no.

01:21:25Don't put that down.

01:21:26You can't stop once you've started.

01:21:29It's unethical.

01:21:30I'm Ralph Glamdon, Alice's husband.

01:21:32And, uh, well, this is, uh, well...

01:21:34Mr. Q?

01:21:35It's a little wet, isn't it?

01:21:36It's dirty, but, uh, maybe we can blow dry it off and, uh, do whatever.

01:21:39But what is for you?

01:21:41I'll take the check as is.

01:21:44Okay, everyone, just...

01:21:47Look, I'll...

01:21:48I'll give you even more, all right?

01:21:51You got it.

01:21:52But I don't think so.

01:21:54I'd rather have my house remain home.

01:21:57Yeah!

01:21:58Thank you, Miss Meafanui.

01:22:01Thank you, Mr. Q?

01:22:02No.

01:22:03It's a pleasure doing business with you.

01:22:05Oh, no, no, thank you.

01:22:06You can't do this to me.

01:22:08Nobody's doing anything to you.

01:22:09This is business.

01:22:11It's not personal.

01:22:15Ah!

01:22:17Miss Benvenuti, we'll be calling you.

01:22:20All right.

01:22:21All right.

01:22:33All right.

01:23:03Ralph.

01:23:16Ralph.

01:23:16Just give me a second, okay?

01:23:19Alice, I've wasted so much time, made so many bad choices, but there's only one thing I've

01:23:32ever done right, and that's love you.

01:23:39Baby, let's go.

01:23:40You mean the one we just bought?

01:23:49How did you do that?

01:23:50Well, Norton helped out a little bit, but no one deserves us more than you, Alice.

01:23:57Baby, you're the greatest.

01:23:59All right, guys.

01:24:00Come on.

01:24:01Quit your piss in a moment.

01:24:04The doghouse is not that heavy, and it goes in the back facing east, so it gets feng shui.

01:24:22Okay.

01:24:23You got it?

01:24:24And Mama Gibson, please don't drop another box.

01:24:25I don't got insurance, okay?

01:24:26You don't have no manners either, Mr. Easy Dodge.

01:24:28Oh, you're gonna get into it with me, are you?

01:24:29That's all right.

01:24:30Ladies, ladies, please hurry up.

01:24:31We're gonna have a lunch break and make this house a home.

01:24:35Amen.

01:24:36Amen.

01:24:37All right.

01:24:38Eat up, everybody.

01:24:39Thank you, sweetheart.

01:24:40All right.

01:24:41Man.

01:24:42Well, y'all, here we are.

01:24:43Finally.

01:24:44To our own home.

01:24:45Cheers, y'all.

01:24:46Cheers.

01:24:47That's my baby right there.

01:24:50Hey, Ralph.

01:24:51Ralph, I got a surprise for you.

01:24:53Let go, let go, let go.

01:24:54Good boy.

01:24:55I trained Iggy, man.

01:24:56He's gonna be your dog servant.

01:24:58Fet you a beer, get you a newspaper when you want.

01:25:01Isn't that your train right there?

01:25:03Would you look at that?

01:25:05A million dollars.

01:25:06Yeah, Ralph.

01:25:07Isn't that your train?

01:25:08The one with the solid brass trim?

01:25:10Shut up.

01:25:11What?

01:25:12Oh, yo, man, I'm sorry.

01:25:13I'm sorry.

01:25:14I'm sorry.

01:25:15Ralph, you gonna watch the game later on?

01:25:17Solid brass?

01:25:18Ralph, you said you wouldn't go get mad at me no more.

01:25:21No.

01:25:22No, I'm not gonna get mad.

01:25:23No, I'm not gonna yell.

01:25:25I'm just gonna kill you.

01:25:26Where's going?

01:25:27Where's going?

01:25:28Where's going, Ralph?

01:25:30I know where there's another train.

01:25:32And it's got a bell, too.

01:25:33You better know where there's another train.

01:25:35You won't mess me real believe me.

01:25:36You're gonna break up.

01:25:37The press jig I'm in the press paper mode.

01:25:40You better do money, too.

01:25:41You know what he's going to win?

01:25:42You want when he win that money?

01:25:43The best thing you do.

01:25:44Look, look, look.

01:25:45See here, here is a special challenge.

01:25:47I'm the guy.

01:25:48He's the bomb.

01:25:49He's the bomb.

01:25:50He's the bomb.

01:25:51He's the bomb.

01:25:52He's the bomb.

01:25:53He's the bomb.

01:25:54He's the bomb.

01:25:55He's the bomb.

01:25:56He's the bomb.

01:25:57He's the bomb.

01:25:58See, Ed here is a special child.

01:26:18Stop rubbing on his balls. Get out of the chair, Ed.

01:26:21Got his balls off, man. Why didn't you tell me?

01:26:24Well, my father used to train neglected chihuahuas with Down syndrome.

01:26:27And then, it's not that he has any kind of little problem.

01:26:33He just likes it.

01:26:35You mean let it go?

01:26:37You're sitting up here looking like a birthday balloon.

01:26:38You want me to let it go?

01:26:39You're sitting up here looking like a bottle of dishwashing liquid.

01:26:41Comquat, summer squash, stick of butter, and you want me to let it go?

01:26:44You look like somebody's crack teeth.

01:26:45You look more like a piece of flan.

01:26:47You're looking for a little bit, but bonito.

01:26:49Let's go.

01:26:50F*** you. Come here, boy.

01:26:51No, you're saying f***ing.

01:26:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

01:26:57I don't want to play with the bomb, dig-dang, dig-dang, dig-digi, dig-digi.

01:27:04If I press chig, I'm in a press paper bun.

01:27:07No, but I chat come face me with some.

01:27:10Like when me have 22 in a miss some.

01:27:12Game said, they're my friend, and them bad-mine, me friend.

01:27:15Ready time, they're ready for the time star.

01:27:18One or two, take the last stitch from the sky.

01:27:20My style is the bomb, dig-dang, dig-dang, dig-digi, dig-digi.

01:27:25My style is the bomb, dig-dang, dig-digi, dig-digi.

01:27:31Got rude, boy, no, clear with the bomb, dig-dang, dig-digi, dig-digi.

01:27:34Etta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-lla.

01:29:19I'm Ronald, and I'm Ernie, and we're the Isley Brothers.

01:29:28I'm Ronald, and I'm Ernie, and I'm Ernie.

01:29:33Woo-hoo!

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