Lᴼvᴱ Sᴴᴬᶜᴷ

Screen Time

#movieclips #movienight #movietime #MovieTrailer #webseries #webseritrailers #movies #Anime #animefan #animemovie

Transcript

00:00:01In 61, I was lost.

00:00:03I was looking for myself.

00:00:06It's embarrassing to ask me what I was doing in 1961.

00:00:10Oh, well, I met Mo Salzman, of course.

00:00:13Mo was a compelling guy.

00:00:15He was short, heavy, stocky, heavy.

00:00:18Strong, though, and very agile.

00:00:20I mean, he moved beautifully.

00:00:22He was this kind of intense, short-looking guy with big ideas,

00:00:25talked a mile a minute, very philosophical,

00:00:28a real impresario.

00:00:29He says, well, listen, I'm having a party today.

00:00:32Would you like to come?

00:00:34We went up to this big old house,

00:00:36a big old mansion-type house.

00:00:38It was big, and it was open, and it was so California.

00:00:42It was out in Chatsworth.

00:00:44And we get into the backyard,

00:00:46and there are quite a few odd things going on,

00:00:49but you have to remember, I went to Hollywood High.

00:00:51First, I saw a couple of nude ladies running around.

00:00:54The next thing I know,

00:00:56something's rubbing up against me.

00:00:59And then some man ran through across this hallway.

00:01:05He didn't have a stitch on, and he had a bone on it like this.

00:01:09And...

00:01:10Everybody started kissing and fucking.

00:01:14I got caught up in it.

00:01:19I just got caught up in it.

00:01:21Press and assholes and bulls.

00:01:23Men on top of men.

00:01:24There were women on top of women.

00:01:26Sometimes it was two.

00:01:28Sometimes it was three.

00:01:30Imagine having six or seven people work on you at one time.

00:01:33There were like 15 couples there, all bunched together,

00:01:37you know, stooping away.

00:01:39It was like a plate of calamari.

00:01:41I opened my eyes, and there's a camera looking at me.

00:01:45It might have been one of the first recorded, organized,

00:01:49quasi-not-orgy orgies that came out of Moe.

00:01:53The things I did that day that I'm not particularly proud of.

00:01:58But there's nothing I wouldn't do for a good pastrami sandwich.

00:02:01I think that was the beginning of the Moe Saltzman legend.

00:02:06That was the beginning.

00:02:07I think that afternoon was the beginning of everything.

00:02:10Hm.

00:02:12Moe Saltzman was, without question,

00:02:17the most influential pornographer of the 20th century.

00:02:20I mean, here's a guy who made hundreds of commercially successful films,

00:02:24from the fun-loving nudie cuties,

00:02:27to darkly original sexploitation films,

00:02:30to his groundbreaking work in musical pornography.

00:02:33But what really separated Moe from everyone else

00:02:37was that he made pornos that mattered.

00:02:40I mean, I remember I was 10 years old,

00:02:42and my Uncle Andy snuck me into the Corinthian theater

00:02:45there in San Francisco.

00:02:46I'll never forget it.

00:02:47It was a matinee performance of A Fistful of Penis,

00:02:50and it was a revelation.

00:02:52It was a life-changing event for me.

00:02:54I was 10 years old, I'd seen a lot of porn,

00:02:57but I had never seen anything like a Moe,

00:02:59because no one had.

00:03:00Moe took the medium, and he massaged it,

00:03:03and he was able to really address social and political issues of his time.

00:03:07Now that is Moe.

00:03:09He's Moe.

00:03:13We are living the Constitution.

00:03:15We are the physical and mental embodiment of our rights,

00:03:20of the Bill of Rights.

00:03:22You know, a kid goes,

00:03:25what does these Bill of Rights mean?

00:03:27You can point them to the porn industry,

00:03:29and show them this is what the Bill of Rights are.

00:03:31These are why our founding fathers did what they did,

00:03:35is so that we could sit in our own living rooms

00:03:38and masturbate to the movie of our choice,

00:03:41whether it be pornography or the sound of music.

00:03:44In 1967, Saltzman broke pornography's color barrier

00:03:47with Guess Who's Coming on Dinner.

00:03:49It featured the industry's first interracial Dirty Sanchez.

00:03:53And in 1987, Moe buoyed up the spirits

00:03:56of the entire handicapped porn community

00:03:58by directing Piledriving Miss Daisy.

00:04:00Oh, you're so sick!

00:04:02This is the first ever porn the hearing compared.

00:04:05Oh, fuck me! Fuck me!

00:04:08The handicapped porn consumer had largely been ignored.

00:04:11There's a little bit of amputee porn,

00:04:13the Stumpfucker series.

00:04:14But if you were blind or a retard,

00:04:17where do you go for your porn?

00:04:19In the 70s and 80s,

00:04:20Saltzman subtly tweaked the political establishment

00:04:23with his pap smears,

00:04:25political action pornos.

00:04:27The issues that we're trying to address,

00:04:30like the environment.

00:04:32You know, we made a movie about the hole in the ozone layer.

00:04:36The ozone layer's a very important layer to have,

00:04:39and there shouldn't be a hole in it.

00:04:42Sweet.

00:04:43Yeah, I'll meet you at your place later, baby.

00:04:45That's right.

00:04:46All right, you just make sure that water bed nice and hot.

00:04:49Mitch! How could you?

00:04:52That's an aerosol cooking spray!

00:04:54What? This?

00:04:56Busted.

00:04:57Can we turn Sheila on?

00:04:59Act locally, think globally.

00:05:01Oh!

00:05:02That's right.

00:05:03Shazam!

00:05:05When Mo died in the spring of 2007,

00:05:08he left such a gaping hole in the porn industry.

00:05:12Hundreds of porn stars had lost a beloved father figure,

00:05:16and porn fans across the world,

00:05:17they'd lost the thrill of ever seeing

00:05:19a new Mo Saltzman production again.

00:05:21until they found out there was one film left.

00:05:28Well, I'd been working in Europe for the past couple of years,

00:05:31so I was in Saint-Tropez directing second unit on a car campaign

00:05:36when I heard about Mo's death.

00:05:38The next day, a trunk arrives at my hotel.

00:05:44It was a steamer trunk of Mo's that the estate had delivered to me

00:05:48when I opened that trunk and saw what was inside.

00:05:51It was one of those moments that you know your life will never be the same.

00:05:54It was a script called Dial M for Milk Jugs,

00:05:58with storyboards, pages and pages of notes.

00:06:01It had been a project he'd been working on for years and years and years

00:06:05and wanted to make and never got the chance to make.

00:06:08And it was in his will that if he passed before he got a chance to do it,

00:06:16that he wanted me to take over the project.

00:06:21I quit my job the next day,

00:06:23flew back to the States,

00:06:24called everybody on the cast.

00:06:26They're all aboard.

00:06:27It's gonna star a dream team of porn superstars from across the generations.

00:06:32Everybody in the business wanted to be in this picture,

00:06:34but Mo handpicked the cast himself,

00:06:36and he picked the best.

00:06:42Coming out of retirement for this shoot

00:06:43will be Mo's favorite leading lady of the 70s, Lynette Kelly.

00:06:48A couple of friends and I went to see this Joe Cocker concert,

00:06:51and Mo Saltzman was there.

00:06:54And we began talking and sort of struck up an immediate friendship,

00:06:59and he invited me to watch them shoot the film that he was working on at the time,

00:07:04which was Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.

00:07:06I was impressed by how everyone was really Mo's family.

00:07:10I asked Mo right there how I could be a part of it,

00:07:14and so he put me in a scene with Bud Hurley.

00:07:18Fuck yeah!

00:07:19Bud Hurley was the master.

00:07:22He read your body like a blind man reads a novel.

00:07:27He could not only make you have an orgasm,

00:07:32but others watching it would have orgasms simultaneously.

00:07:38Most people don't get a chance to relive their youth, you know?

00:07:42But I'm getting that chance. I just hope I'm up to it.

00:07:45It'll be a different kind of project, obviously.

00:07:48It'll be a boomer experience,

00:07:50and I hope maybe some of those booms will be sonic.

00:07:53I don't think it's a good idea.

00:07:57He's older. He's gained weight.

00:07:59His blood pressure is too high.

00:08:01And I worry about him. He gets winded.

00:08:04In the 80s, Mo continued his political activism with films like

00:08:07Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down Those Pants.

00:08:09He also redefined the genre.

00:08:11He merged action-adventure filmmaking and pornography.

00:08:14Doug and Debbie Van Der Spiegel were his stars.

00:08:17A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

00:08:22He's gonna kill you!

00:08:23You think so?

00:08:24Come on!

00:08:26Let's go save some Matly.

00:08:29Blue or red?

00:08:31Red.

00:08:32Got a banana man. Come on!

00:08:35Clear!

00:08:36Let's go.

00:08:37I don't know, but I've been told!

00:08:38I don't know, but I've been told!

00:08:39Clive those rocks and share the load!

00:08:41Our work that we've created is all about building and working together, and teamwork share the load.

00:08:58It's very simple.

00:08:59We worked so well together, and we wanted to pass that on to people.

00:09:03It's not about you taking it in, it's about them taking it in!

00:09:06I've never been on this trail!

00:09:07I don't give a shit!

00:09:08You know, when I first started out, I was paving Mo's driveway.

00:09:12You know, just for a couple extra bucks.

00:09:14That's hot work.

00:09:15Working with Tar.

00:09:16He's like, you could do more.

00:09:18You could do a lot more.

00:09:19I've got a whole patio up here you could do.

00:09:22Mo really made me feel like I could live my dreams, and I didn't have to settle for less.

00:09:28I love Mo very much, and it was upsetting for me.

00:09:32At the same time, of course, I was thrilled to be a part of it.

00:09:35I mean, to be back in the saddle?

00:09:37Woohoo!

00:09:38I mean, wow.

00:09:39That's all I was thinking.

00:09:40I was like, whoa, one more try, you know?

00:09:43Let this bronc out of the, you know, out of the stable.

00:09:47But I mean, you know, only in a professional way.

00:09:50By the 1990s, porn fans were demanding more three-way action, and Mo rewarded them with a huge helping of his tag team superstars, Jerry and Marty Sphincter.

00:10:00It's been eight years since I've done a picture.

00:10:10You know, I just walked away.

00:10:12It's exciting, you know, and I still feel I got the equipment.

00:10:17You know, it's still, everything's functional.

00:10:19I still feel sexy.

00:10:20I still feel like, you know, I got it going on.

00:10:24And that's, and that's exciting for me to be able to, uh, to, um...

00:10:31Okay, well, that money's gonna fall through now, because you couldn't get me the deal.

00:10:34How does that feel, Jim?

00:10:35Does that feel good?

00:10:36Yeah.

00:10:37So, yeah, you're not gonna have any money to make that deal in Century City.

00:10:41Right, you little motherfucker.

00:10:42Hold on one second.

00:10:43Where's my salad?

00:10:44I, uh, changed my name to Marty Stevens when I realized that a name like Sphincter wasn't gonna do me, uh, great in the business world.

00:10:54We're supposed to be here five minutes ago.

00:10:55Where's my salad?

00:10:56Get me my salad now!

00:10:58Salad now!

00:10:59Growing up in Piscataway, New Jersey, Jerry and Marty were as close as brothers could be.

00:11:06In 1986, they rose to national prominence as champion high school cheerleaders, known for their spirited routines and their signature handshake.

00:11:14Whoopsh, whoopsh.

00:11:15Ready, okay.

00:11:16Moe saw one of these performances, and he immediately recognized their potential as porn stars.

00:11:21Fuck!

00:11:22The day after Jerry and Marty graduated from high school, they appeared in their first porn together, Jew Sandwich.

00:11:28The Sphincter brothers went on to become the most influential tag team duo in porn history until a tragic incident ripped them apart in 1999.

00:11:39It's been eight years since the incident, and, uh, it's been a long journey.

00:11:45I haven't seen my brother Marty in that time, and, uh, it's hard.

00:11:50I haven't seen Jerry in a long time, and, uh, I frankly don't need to see Jerry.

00:11:55Hollister called about the Reunion movie, and you know what?

00:12:00It was a great time when I did porn, and I loved all those characters, but we had our moment.

00:12:06I've moved on.

00:12:07It's just porn is not a part of my life anymore, and I, you know, I hope, I wish them all well.

00:12:12That's all I can say. God bless.

00:12:14I've called Marty a few times, a few times a week, and, um, I haven't heard back in, uh, it's been about four years now, but, but I'm composing a letter, and I'm trying to put all my thoughts down on paper for him to read.

00:12:30My hope is that it'll hit him somewhere deep, and he'll show up for the shoot.

00:12:38Maybe get some closure.

00:12:46Can you make it out to Doug, please?

00:12:48All right. Doug, you a big fan?

00:12:49Yes, ma'am.

00:12:50I'm really excited about the signing today, because it's my...

00:12:56Anus and vagina.

00:12:57Yeah.

00:12:58And four and a half inches of taint.

00:13:01Mwah!

00:13:02All right, you head downstairs, mister. A committed fan deserves an ass.

00:13:05As a new century dawned, Mo introduced what critics would later call the anal explosion.

00:13:10His series of anal-themed films made Whitney Sweet a household name.

00:13:14Rub it.

00:13:15Rub it.

00:13:16I love you.

00:13:17Rub it.

00:13:18Uh, hey, hello. Uh, you are fucking awesome.

00:13:19I do the, I do the job to you all the time.

00:13:21Nothing I do is gratuitous.

00:13:24She's very classy, very conservative up to this point.

00:13:27Yeah.

00:13:28Um, you know, if it's in the ass, it isn't in another hole at the same time.

00:13:33When she works on this project, it's gonna skyrocket her into a new place, okay?

00:13:37She's gonna be starting by doing her very first, number one, numero uno, lesbian scene.

00:13:43She's gonna be working with Hallelujah, who is the number, duh, woman in the industry.

00:13:48My job as her manager is more to shape her career.

00:13:51And, uh, the way I've been shaping it is, uh, more into the ambiguously legal stuff, you know?

00:13:57So, um, you know, the girl who's been stood up on prom night, right?

00:14:02Yeah.

00:14:03Um, who's voted for the first time.

00:14:05Anything else?

00:14:06Well, I have done the sleepover, and we get in a pillow fight, and then, um, oh, that last one I did was, um, oh, 16.

00:14:12Of course.

00:14:13Driver's license.

00:14:14That was really, really funny.

00:14:15That was exciting, yeah.

00:14:16Set the thumb again.

00:14:17Yeah.

00:14:18That's what she does best.

00:14:19I've really enjoyed working with Gretchen, because I feel like Gretchen understands what it's like to be a man.

00:14:27Thanks a lot.

00:14:28Keep it moving.

00:14:29And I understand what it's like to be a woman.

00:14:31I'm Carrie.

00:14:32Gretchen's it.

00:14:33I'm Gretchen.

00:14:34That's a good name.

00:14:35I got a little flustered.

00:14:36And so it's gone into this strange marriage of a she-male and a female in business.

00:14:44Well, let me put it this way.

00:14:47I work in business.

00:14:48I know what it's like to be fucked up the ass.

00:14:52And so does she.

00:14:53Well, it's hard to believe that Moe Saltzman never won a Peavey award.

00:14:58Now, it's one of my personal goals to get Moe a Peavey.

00:15:03The deadline for submissions is in 10 days, but that will not be a problem because we have the best producers in the business.

00:15:09The best of the best.

00:15:10You're doing quick.

00:15:11Just show me again.

00:15:12Just do the end, sweetie.

00:15:13Life partners Ted Haynes and Andre Cox will be producing Dial M.

00:15:18In the 1990s, they starred in a series of wildly original homoerotic films.

00:15:23Titles as varied as The Crack of Dawn, Taste of Seth, and of course, Howard's End.

00:15:29We decided to have a baby about two years ago.

00:15:32And we did a computer progression of what one could look like, like if we actually could mix our genes, which you can't.

00:15:37But the computer progression strangely looked like Charles Nelson Reilly or Kevin Costner.

00:15:43It was weird.

00:15:44I'm pulling for Costner, personally.

00:15:46Yeah, hello, but with Charles Nelson Reilly's talent.

00:15:49Put that phone down or I'll break your leg.

00:15:51Mack Hollister called us and he said that he had the script.

00:15:54Ted's grandmother luckily left him some money, so getting the line together was actually pretty easy.

00:15:59And it's so exciting.

00:16:02We're casting our bread upon the water and it's going to come back a hundredfold.

00:16:06And hopefully not come back as soggy bread.

00:16:10Andre and I just saw your last song.

00:16:16Your clitoris is adorable.

00:16:18Thanks.

00:16:19Do you know Tiki?

00:16:20No, hi.

00:16:21Mack Hollister.

00:16:22She is the mother of my third kid.

00:16:23Oh, how wonderful.

00:16:24And fifth.

00:16:25And fifth.

00:16:26And fifth.

00:16:27And fifth.

00:16:28And fifth.

00:16:29I'm sorry.

00:16:30Have you met your co-star?

00:16:31Hi.

00:16:32Hey.

00:16:33How about that?

00:16:34Two stars.

00:16:35My hands and my hair.

00:16:36Okay, got it, got it.

00:16:37Hi, Oliver.

00:16:38How are you?

00:16:39Good to meet you.

00:16:40This is so beautiful.

00:16:41Oh, hey.

00:16:42Whoa, what's wrong?

00:16:43Oh.

00:16:44Don't touch it or maybe look at it.

00:16:45It's a synergy wave pendant.

00:16:47It was so beautiful.

00:16:48It was the anal beads of the first pope.

00:16:49That's what she told.

00:16:50Really?

00:16:51So that's what we think it was.

00:16:52Really?

00:16:53Mac!

00:16:54Oh, my God.

00:16:55Oh, it's so good to see you.

00:16:56Oh, my God.

00:16:57This is so beautiful.

00:16:58It's so beautiful.

00:16:59Oh, hey.

00:17:00What's wrong?

00:17:01Don't touch it or maybe look at it.

00:17:02It's a synergy wave pendant.

00:17:03It's so beautiful.

00:17:04It was the anal beads of the first pope.

00:17:06That's what she told.

00:17:07Really?

00:17:08So that's what we think it was.

00:17:09Mack!

00:17:10Oh, man.

00:17:11It's so good.

00:17:12Hey.

00:17:13Oh, my God.

00:17:14Yeah.

00:17:15Yeah.

00:17:16Oh, it's so good to see you.

00:17:19yeah oh it's so good to see you jerry jerry oh my god bam bam somebody's been doing pilates a

00:17:28little bit yeah and the ball i do a lot of stuff on the ball listen have you have you seen mario

00:17:34is he coming today i haven't heard back um yeah oh yeah he's he'll definitely be here he's he's

00:17:39definitely in though you guys oh he's in okay yeah we didn't talk today but sure he's i think

00:17:44he's just gonna see okay sure yeah great to have that little sphanker magic that's what i'm very

00:17:49excited yeah listen you might want to lose the beer though okay love it the girls first gay scene huh

00:17:56mm-hmm she got her bleached special fantastic expensive process you know what they do for

00:18:02that they spread them they go in there i mean they go in there okay heck no no heck no i like it furry

00:18:11the whole range it's like you know like i have a whole skunk sitting on my pelvis you know what

00:18:16i mean rounding out this remarkable cast will be legendary dominatrix furious georgia and world

00:18:23renowned sissy carl munson thank you jake storm inventor of the grudge fuck and the donkey punch

00:18:29words words are funny hey all you bastards i'm here so let's party huh and of course roger

00:18:36hoglin nothing the loutish 80s porn star and practical joker who is famous for leaving sperm

00:18:43deposits in various foods for his co-workers to find hey roger how you doing hey get lost freak show

00:18:51hey how about you huh thank you all for coming and being a part of this fantastic project it's

00:18:57really a labor of love it is yes and if god made the universe and everything in six days then we can

00:19:03make this a peavey award-winning film in six days so let's go ahead and let's shoot a big one for mo for

00:19:19the

00:19:28mo shot well over 2511 films in his home in san fernando valley which was affectionately known as

00:19:33the love shack man if god wanted to create a perfect porno house this was it it has eight bedrooms four

00:19:40hot tubs three dungeons a classroom a locker room a turkish prison an afghanian interrogation room a pube room

00:19:44a douche room an enema room an operating room a petting zoo and most importantly modes spirits

00:19:49smeared all over it family's always been very important to me you know and i i think i've created

00:19:55a family um here at the love shack you know i consider us all a family it's a different kind of

00:20:02family it's a family that has uh that has sex with each other and puts it on film okay uh listen

00:20:09everybody uh aaf barnes gave us a great little script here and uh let's see what we can do with

00:20:14it not everybody's here but uh we're just gonna have to go interior bjorkland manor main salon day

00:20:23the sound of thundering fotspars builds and constables magnus bjornson and annika thornquist

00:20:30bjornson storm in ladies and gentlemen calm down what's happening silence and all will be explained

00:20:38the script yeah i know the script i saw the script when it was being passed around hollywood

00:20:42ten years ago and it's a joke want to hear the premise okay a bunch of swedish aristocrats gather

00:20:48at the end of the second world war to debate sweden's neutrality okay you hard yet there's been

00:20:59everyone gasps that's right a murder secretary bloomquist is dead and everyone in this room is

00:21:06suspect suspect and you ula the secretary's paramour cast asunder when he reconciled with

00:21:15his wife might it have been you it's true i loved him what the is she doing okay okay okay i'm sorry

00:21:23i thought i was playing ula okay well you got wrong no we've been rehearsing for two weeks when there's

00:21:29ula words i read them when there's other words that don't matter to me you read wait wait what the

00:21:35hell's going on my client is playing ula are you getting up first of all this is blinking at me so i

00:21:40can't really focus guys guys guys on that and we can talk about this later all right all right the

00:21:44agents sit down i'm i'm sorry guys where are you my client is playing ula all right we already had this

00:21:50covered in contractual meetings i'm sorry that you were not informed i always wanted to be an agent

00:21:55now i'm my own shark in my own pool and it's salt water baby you know what those are shark teeth

00:22:02we're walking come on let's go oliver oliver no let's go

00:22:10this is so silly whitney you play ula because you're the star thanks so you're ula

00:22:15elsa got it sorry let's continue please you have no right to detain us no that's not your part you have

00:22:23to read ula's part now it's true i loved him once but now my love belongs to another just then ula

00:22:32grabs elsa and jackknifes into a reverse cowgirl with a sri lankan half twist lars enters pees on

00:22:41brigitta then elsa corkscrews into a slow motion lassie come home and roasts sigvard's chestnuts with an

00:22:49eight dollar jiffy lube that's gonna be such a great scene

00:23:03so

00:23:16do you hear that

00:23:20better question do you feel that

00:23:26french call it melange trois

00:23:28this is the moment i tend to get here a couple hours early just so i can soak it in have a cup

00:23:35of coffee shine up the dildos get my belt ready it's religious it's what we do i would say making

00:23:41love the act of making love is probably as close as we get to touching god

00:23:45that's great that's great hey let's try something are you familiar with the films of ingmar bergman

00:24:00yeah of course great i think swedish too give me a little swedish okay oh oh yeah oh yeah okay so

00:24:07then i get down on my knees i whip down my pants and i say oh magnus you're so big slurp spit gag oh yeah

00:24:14baby right there baby right there um uh slurp spit gag okay baby are you ready for the hot beef

00:24:21inject i don't feel that's right i don't think i would ask wait what's the matter it's just that

00:24:25line it's like if i'm such a great detective why would i ask you if you're ready for the hot

00:24:28beef injection why wouldn't i have seduced that okay are you kidding no look just let me try it

00:24:32let me try a different way uh you are now ready you are now you are ready you are ready now for

00:24:37the hot you are now ready for the hot beef injection

00:24:46doug and debbie were it we all wanted to be one of the other of them they were gorgeous devoted

00:24:52hot and they made it work year in and year out pretty it was pretty amazing thank you guys so much

00:24:59for all the silver yeah and although we said no gifts we really well frankly we appreciate it oh

00:25:03absolutely we're definitely going to hang on to that silverware maybe we'll even use it i'm serious

00:25:09we're probably going to sell it hey it's hard for two porn stars to have a relationship man i mean

00:25:14your first date's in a swing where you're going to go but down okay off the top of my head i can

00:25:20think of three relationships that worked in the 30s three ball o'brien and dustball daisy adams

00:25:24in the 60s tush bushman and urethra franklin and in the 80s doug and debbie van der spiegel

00:25:30and the jury stole out on them you are now ready for the hot you're kidding you've got to be

00:25:34you are are you ready now for the no once again are you ready oh would you just say the

00:25:38fucking line i am i'm trying to say the line god i'm working on something here okay

00:25:43you know just because i'm forcing you to have oral sex does not mean i'm not a real person

00:25:49oh hi uh marty uh stevens please

00:25:54this is his brother jerry calling again i just wanted to see if he was gonna

00:25:56be okay yeah i'll hold i feel blessed you know i'm healthy i'm young i don't want to brag but you

00:26:05know i got a pretty nice size you know apartment and so when i look at jerry you know i mean it's been

00:26:11eight years since the incident and he's still in so much pain i'm just praying marty shows up because

00:26:17jerry needs it big time you know it just kills me jerry also needs a bath

00:26:27i used to write you all these letters did you ever get them

00:26:30i was like your biggest fan and i got your headshot signature oh wow you sound really lonely

00:26:39no not at all i just um well now that we're filming together i thought we could be like sisters or

00:26:44something because we're gonna get so close oh yeah maybe we could go for a waxing oh

00:26:49oh are you greek you know um whitney's a little bit different than i expected a little bit meaner

00:27:01um and kind of anti-greek i so but you know i'm not gonna stoop to her level i'm just not

00:27:10does it um ever hurt your feelings that no one you know wants to have sex with you from the front

00:27:14my great-grandfather uh he made a he made a feature in uh it was uh 1897 called cousin myrtle blows a kiss

00:27:26i was shown this movie at a very young age and i wanted to make my own movies and uh that's how i

00:27:32got the bug for it i was so inspired i i i hung a production still from cousin myrtle on the wall of

00:27:40the love shack and i look at it for inspiration before every shoot

00:27:54pretty girl pictures are uh stills that we use for the internet uh the dvd box covers vhs box covers

00:28:00merch probably one of my favorite parts of the job you know try to catch the actresses before they get

00:28:06all juicy could you get closer as if it's a what what you are just one big mole aren't you whoa whoa

00:28:14what that's your butt not yours oh sweet

00:28:26i'm king of the world hogman can i actually have you get out of this shot

00:28:36great yeah yeah that's good that's good hog man bang bang buddy bang bang yeah

00:28:48did he come on your vegetables ned take a break because i'm not gonna pay for that no i am not

00:28:55gonna pay you for pink flagstone when i ordered gray flagstone because i specifically remember ordering

00:29:01oh okay that's the problem you answered to me from now on all right you don't answer to doug you

00:29:05answered to me debbie it all started two years ago we uh decided to do an addition to the house

00:29:10it was gonna be really simple we were gonna add an office a home office so people didn't have to go

00:29:14through our house to consult with and then doug got his hands on it i wanted to give her her own space

00:29:20i basically wanted to be like winston churchill when he went to india i wanted to build her a taj mahal

00:29:26and then he came up with more ideas and then he came up with the idea of well if we have more

00:29:29clients we need a bigger garage and why don't we make an octagonal garage so i tore it down and put

00:29:35in eight sides which is a bitch that was jose luis just right there it was jose luis he's taking over

00:29:41the job all right wait i have one question for you oh come on and that is why because you're inept okay

00:29:47i'm adept that's a good thing i'm adept not adept and then i got on this thing about

00:29:53not using gasoline powered vehicles to move things i hired some mules and one of the mules

00:30:02died which set me back mules are very sensitive to heat and i thought they always used them in the

00:30:08desert so i thought you know maybe they're like a camel but they're not like a camel camel and a mule

00:30:14are entirely different things point is it became too much and i was overwhelmed the cost was skyrocketing

00:30:21we started fighting all the time because we didn't have the money so we're getting a divorce

00:30:29this movie's going to be our last experience together um

00:30:35and that'll be that heart is not a resilient muscle

00:30:39well the heart is the most resilient muscle

00:30:46i guess we'll find out we're so glad to have you with us oh i'm just like the old days

00:31:05you're here help me out bud and lynette they're more than inspirations they're like icons i want to

00:31:19get a piece of that say again so i'm excited but it's tempered with the fact that i might have to throw

00:31:26up so

00:31:34Oh! I'm sorry!

00:31:41Oh!

00:31:43Oh!

00:31:45Yes!

00:31:47No!

00:31:49Oh!

00:31:51Ow! Ow!

00:31:53Yes!

00:31:55Pah!

00:31:57Oh!

00:31:59God!

00:32:01Pah!

00:32:03Pah!

00:32:05Pah!

00:32:07Pah!

00:32:09Pah!

00:32:11Pah!

00:32:13Pah!

00:32:15Pah!

00:32:17Right on!

00:32:19I still have chills. It's like the adrenaline's still pumping through me.

00:32:21Bud and Lynette, who would have thought after 30 years apart?

00:32:25We've got a picture here. We've got a picture on our hands.

00:32:27Alright, let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

00:32:29Let's go!

00:32:31Let me call my mom!

00:32:33It's unbelievable. That PV is as good as ours.

00:32:35I don't want to jinx it, but...

00:32:37I can feel it. I can feel it.

00:32:39You know?

00:32:41Really made a mess of the place.

00:32:45What I'm doing now is I'm going through and I'm bagging and tagging.

00:32:49That's industry jargon.

00:32:51Basically anything used on a porn set

00:32:53can be sold on the internet

00:32:55for mucho dinero.

00:32:57We have a bogey.

00:32:59Scene-worn.

00:33:00Bud Hurley.

00:33:01Thong.

00:33:03Oh, dude. This'll get at least 2,000. Are you kidding?

00:33:052,500.

00:33:07Last night when I said I went for a walk to clear my head...

00:33:09Yes, my darling.

00:33:11I was really with Ernst in the festival.

00:33:13Secretary Blumquist?

00:33:15I can explain.

00:33:17You're an insensitive whore.

00:33:19Oh, my God. Is that Marty?

00:33:29Jerry?

00:33:31Jerry, you look...

00:33:33You look like a Jewish beeji.

00:33:35You're here.

00:33:36What's with your hair?

00:33:38You know, I wasn't gonna come to this thing, but...

00:33:40Jerry wrote me this letter.

00:33:41It was pathetic.

00:33:42About how much he needed me.

00:33:44And...

00:33:45So I thought I'd come in and save him once again.

00:33:47I mean, that's ostensibly why I'm here, but...

00:33:50Moses State's gonna have to be owned by somebody.

00:33:52And...

00:33:53Figured I'd get in on the ground floor, if you know what I'm saying.

00:33:56Good to see you.

00:33:57My brother Marty's here!

00:33:59What's with the hair?

00:34:00There's a very short list of cultural and historical events

00:34:03that have such impact, such resonance throughout society

00:34:06that everybody remembers exactly where they were

00:34:09when they first heard about that event.

00:34:11And I think that right up on that list would be November 22nd, 1999,

00:34:17on the set of A Rock and a Hard Place.

00:34:20All we really know is that in a routine double-penetration scene,

00:34:27Jerry and Marty Sphincter accidentally touched tips.

00:34:35This was a maneuver that they'd done before.

00:34:37They'd done it a hundred times, a thousand times, maybe a million times.

00:34:41Nothing had ever happened.

00:34:43And that collision was later the subject of a documentary.

00:34:49Six seconds in Reseda.

00:34:51An American Tragedy.

00:34:53Shit!

00:34:54To the naked eye, the scene appears to go off flawlessly.

00:34:58But slow the footage down and the images tell quite a different story.

00:35:02Frame 75, Jerry and Marty begin performing the standard double pork roast,

00:35:08with Jerry assuming position two of the classic cowgirl pose.

00:35:13While Marty punishes La Cienega's anus from behind.

00:35:18Frame 123, Marty instigates the signature handshake.

00:35:26Jerry counters with a move that made him famous.

00:35:30The bunny ears.

00:35:32Frame 228, La Cienega moves to unleash her massive dirty pillows,

00:35:37setting off a disastrous chain of events.

00:35:40Frame 273, Marty leans 45 degrees to his right and thrusts just as.

00:35:47Frame 291, Jerry thrusts back into the left.

00:35:51Back into the left.

00:35:53Back into the left.

00:35:55Back into the left.

00:35:57Back into the left.

00:35:59Frame 301.

00:36:01No!

00:36:02No!

00:36:03No!

00:36:04No!

00:36:05No!

00:36:06No!

00:36:07No!

00:36:09Oh!

00:36:10No!

00:36:11No!

00:36:13No!

00:36:14No!

00:36:15Help!

00:36:19It affected me deeply because we had just lost a really wonderful presence in the adult

00:36:41entertainment industry.

00:36:42You know, lots of people can screw on camera, but very few people can make it sink and really

00:36:47just have a smooth, easy flow, it seems natural, it seems very free.

00:36:51You know, it's like Yo-Yo Ma versus the next guy who plays cello.

00:36:54I mean, these guys were good.

00:36:56I remember exactly where I was when the brothers touched tips.

00:37:01I was doing a karaoke, a regional championship round in Dickinson, North Dakota.

00:37:07I was doing a Johnny Cash set and threw me off, threw me off my game when I heard about

00:37:14that.

00:37:15Actually, I came in sixth out of seven contestants.

00:37:19You know, people say I'm shallow.

00:37:22I've been through shit in my life.

00:37:23I've been through heavy shit.

00:37:24When I was eight years old, I was diagnosed with a rare immune deficiency syndrome, okay?

00:37:28I spent the next eight years in a plastic bubble, no human contact, cut to my 17th birthday.

00:37:34Turns out I was misdiagnosed.

00:37:35I was just allergic to shellfish.

00:37:37So that was a pisser.

00:37:39But the only day I ever cried was the day I heard the Sphincter Brothers' touch tips.

00:37:46I don't remember a lot of what happened right after.

00:37:52I think I had some sort of break, some sort of psychotic episode.

00:37:57I floated.

00:37:58I was in a fugue, sort of mist.

00:38:01And finally, I found myself in a cult, the Order of Pegasus.

00:38:05And it was very intense for me.

00:38:06And I found a family in those people.

00:38:09And we had created a suicide pact.

00:38:15And unfortunately, that morning, I had a flat tire on my bike, so I missed that event.

00:38:19But it was there that I discovered the six stages of grief.

00:38:22You know, you start off with complete denial.

00:38:25It never happened.

00:38:26And then the rage comes, number two.

00:38:28Number three is the bargaining, which I didn't really understand it.

00:38:31It was very confusing to me.

00:38:32So I went up to four for a while, which is depression.

00:38:36But who wants to be depressed?

00:38:37I went back to one for a little while and just denied.

00:38:40And then I doubled down and had to hit two again.

00:38:43Jumped up to five, which is acceptance, which I'm sort of trying to embrace now.

00:38:49And of course, Banjo, the last.

00:38:52Marty's obviously stuck in one with a little bit of two and just a dash of four.

00:38:59But I think he'll come around if he, I think he's coming around.

00:39:05Rockin' a Hard Place. Rockin' a Hard Place. Rockin' a Hard Place.

00:39:12No. Don't remember it. Sorry.

00:39:15Who was in that?

00:39:17And move that apple box, please.

00:39:19This is the scene where they've come to the jacuzzi to celebrate.

00:39:24This is a big, big moment for us in the picture.

00:39:28And I know that these two are going to deliver a hot scene for us.

00:39:31Let me find my center.

00:39:32Everyone keeps asking, is it going to be weird to have sex with someone you're divorcing?

00:39:36I'm beautiful and I have a secret.

00:39:38And I got to say, no.

00:39:40It's not weird at all, right?

00:39:41Oh, no, no, no.

00:39:42Absolutely.

00:39:43100% normal.

00:39:44Well, look, in this industry, you get paid to have sex.

00:39:47So, sometimes you have to have sex with someone you can barely stand to look at.

00:39:50Right.

00:39:51Or someone you find totally repugnant.

00:39:53Both morally and physically.

00:39:55And action!

00:39:57I was thinking that maybe we could celebrate.

00:40:01Ah.

00:40:02We're on the same page.

00:40:05Ow!

00:40:06What?

00:40:07Nothing.

00:40:08Why don't we...

00:40:09Are you trying to hit my hat?

00:40:11No, I'm not trying to hit your hat.

00:40:12If I want to try to hit your hat, I'll do it with this.

00:40:15Hey!

00:40:16Oh, great.

00:40:17Now I'm not in character.

00:40:18Yeah.

00:40:19Oh.

00:40:20Oh.

00:40:21Are you kidding me?

00:40:22What?

00:40:23It's hard.

00:40:24It's not hard.

00:40:25That's the point.

00:40:26I'm having shrinkages.

00:40:27Do you need a little tweed or something down there?

00:40:30Can you help him out?

00:40:31Yeah, all right.

00:40:32Can we get this thing going?

00:40:33That was good, by the way.

00:40:34I thought maybe now we could celebrate.

00:40:37Mmm.

00:40:38Well, hip, hip, hooray.

00:40:40Ow!

00:40:41Ow!

00:40:42What?

00:40:43What?

00:40:44What are you trying to do?

00:40:45Drown me?

00:40:46Goddammit!

00:40:47I'm trying to get some leverage!

00:40:48So you're married, right?

00:40:50Yeah, she's amazing.

00:40:51I'm sorry I couldn't invite you to the wedding, but it was a small affair, just like 400 people

00:40:55at the Bel Air Hotel.

00:40:56You guys thinking about kids?

00:40:58Actually, we have a kid.

00:40:59Do you have a child?

00:41:01Yeah, a beautiful girl.

00:41:02Her name is Lila.

00:41:03I have a niece named Lila.

00:41:05Yeah, I should tell her about you.

00:41:08Jerry's ass is a good ass.

00:41:10It's just very hairy, so it has to be dealt with by me.

00:41:18Oh, sweet Jesus.

00:41:20Um...

00:41:21It needs a special clippers.

00:41:23Scotia, we need the 517 immediately!

00:41:26It's a different kind of blade that they use for horses.

00:41:29What about you?

00:41:30What have you done?

00:41:31I'm doing great.

00:41:32I found out.

00:41:33Easy there.

00:41:34Easy, kitty.

00:41:35Spread him a little bit.

00:41:36I found a buyer for my kidney, so I'm working out that deal.

00:41:39No, Mom, I'm not bringing anyone home for Yom Kippur.

00:41:44Because it's not a festive holiday.

00:41:46That's why, Ma.

00:41:47People don't even eat.

00:41:49You know, I find it depressing.

00:41:51Can I talk to Dad about this, please?

00:41:54You know what?

00:41:55I'm sorry.

00:41:56Gretchen!

00:41:57I gotta call you back.

00:41:58My...

00:41:59What?

00:42:00My Synergy Wave pendant.

00:42:01My Synergy Wave pendant's gone.

00:42:02Your pendant?

00:42:03It's gone.

00:42:04It's gone.

00:42:05Where did you leave it?

00:42:06Where did you put it?

00:42:07And the last time I had it, I was wearing it.

00:42:09And that zippity-doo-dah was looking at it, and she...

00:42:12Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:42:13Hallie?

00:42:14Yes.

00:42:15Oh, Whitney.

00:42:16She has.

00:42:17I can't randomly...

00:42:18She stole it.

00:42:19It's not random.

00:42:20It's not random.

00:42:21Are you sure?

00:42:22Because if you're not...

00:42:23There are two things that I am more sure of than anything else.

00:42:27Okay.

00:42:28What?

00:42:29One is, you are gonna find a man.

00:42:34And the second thing is, hallelujah, took my pendant.

00:42:43And I need it back.

00:42:48I'll take care of it.

00:42:50So I'm like, you've got your schnitzel in my strudel.

00:42:53I love your accent.

00:42:54Yeah.

00:42:55It's fantastic.

00:42:56Okay, so I'll come into this.

00:42:57So you're down first.

00:42:58And you come on top of me.

00:42:59Okay, so I'm in the back, right?

00:43:00This is our specialty.

00:43:01Awesome.

00:43:02Okay.

00:43:03And then I'm going like this.

00:43:04I get under, right?

00:43:05You come in here somewhere, and I'm here.

00:43:06Hang on, let me just get under.

00:43:07This is great.

00:43:08Ow!

00:43:09Oh, you know what?

00:43:10Hold on one second.

00:43:11Hold on.

00:43:12Hey.

00:43:13You good?

00:43:14Yeah, no, no.

00:43:15Hold on one second.

00:43:16I'll be right back.

00:43:17No, no.

00:43:18Hold on one second.

00:43:20We're just going to stay on sticks for this.

00:43:22Hollis?

00:43:23Yeah, Marty.

00:43:24What is it?

00:43:25I can't shoot today.

00:43:28I need you today.

00:43:29Why can't you shoot today?

00:43:31It's Shabbos.

00:43:32It's Shabbos.

00:43:36Shabbos!

00:43:37Marty, it's Tuesday!

00:43:38This whole Marty thing's really freaking me out, man.

00:43:41It's like, he's so in denial that he can't even admit the whole thing happened.

00:43:47He has no recollection of it.

00:43:48It's like O.J. Simpson.

00:43:50You know, I watched an interview with him, and it's like, he can't even remember he ever even played football.

00:43:55What kind of toothpaste do you use?

00:44:00Crest.

00:44:01Have you ever shaved all your body hair?

00:44:03Yes, I have.

00:44:04When I first meet the actor, I do like to take a history.

00:44:08I'll make notes.

00:44:09I have questionnaires, you know, your parents married, divorced, if they were spanked as children.

00:44:15Great.

00:44:16Fantastic.

00:44:17It makes my job so much easier.

00:44:18Have you ever played hangman?

00:44:20Yes, I have.

00:44:21Guess a letter.

00:44:23Gee.

00:44:24Nope.

00:44:25Okay, this is one of my favorite scenes, Whitney.

00:44:28This is where we establish Ula as this really sensuous being.

00:44:31Through her baking the lingonberry pie.

00:44:34You've made a pie crust before?

00:44:36Owen, Owen!

00:44:37This is what?

00:44:38It's all about me.

00:44:40Whitney!

00:44:41That is outrageous what you've done!

00:44:43Hey, hey, what is outrageous?

00:44:44You put super glue in our mascara!

00:44:46I beg your pardon?

00:44:47I beg your pardon?

00:44:48Why would she put super glue in her mascara?

00:44:50Whitney, why would you put super glue in my mascara?

00:44:52I didn't.

00:44:53But if I did, maybe it was to get back at you for stealing my Synergy Wave pendant.

00:44:58But I didn't put super glue in, what is it?

00:45:01Listen, we gave you Ula.

00:45:03That's enough.

00:45:04Maybe you put super glue in your own mascara.

00:45:06Ask the barn, ask the barn.

00:45:07Get the answer, Maddie.

00:45:08Where are you?

00:45:09Glad you're starting.

00:45:10It's okay, Ula.

00:45:11We're going for the emergency room, come on.

00:45:13I'm extremely disappointed.

00:45:14Really?

00:45:15I thought it worked great.

00:45:16I'm sorry.

00:45:17Listen, anyway, back to the scene.

00:45:18Did you...

00:45:19So, the whole pie...

00:45:20Listen, the pie...

00:45:21The pie...

00:45:22The pie...

00:45:23The pie...

00:45:24The pie...

00:45:25The pie baking...

00:45:26Thing would, uh...

00:45:27Would, would, uh...

00:45:28In the 1980s, no porn director enjoyed more success than Mack Hollister.

00:45:33He was the industry's golden boy.

00:45:35The Spielberg of smart.

00:45:37The Lucas of lewd.

00:45:39But then, he made a crucial error in judgment.

00:45:42In 1988, Hollister directed Fondling Fathers, a 12-hour gay porn set at the Constitutional Convention.

00:45:49And outside of a few pleasantly surprised constitutional scholars and a closet federalist,

00:45:54no one went to see it.

00:45:56Fondling Fathers collapsed like no movie has ever collapsed.

00:46:00Okay?

00:46:01It cost $500,000 and grossed a buck and a half, and he went into a major depression.

00:46:04Okay?

00:46:05He did not pass go.

00:46:06He did not collect $200.

00:46:07He went home and he started eating.

00:46:10After a month, he gained 10 pounds.

00:46:13After a year, he was up to 563 pounds.

00:46:16I mean, who's gonna hire the guy?

00:46:18I don't know what he's been doing for work.

00:46:20Action!

00:46:21No one on the hillside heaters could believe their eyes.

00:46:25Spencer, a right-handed hitter who wore the number six, was paralyzed from the waist down.

00:46:30But as he rolled his wheelchair into the batter's box...

00:46:33Cut!

00:46:34That's the worst rating I've ever heard!

00:46:36What the fuck was that?

00:46:37He says he's been directing commercials in Europe for the last 10 years.

00:46:52He's been in his mom's garage for the last 10 years on an allowance.

00:46:57Who the fuck is that?

00:46:58It's just me, Mom.

00:46:59Where the fuck you been?

00:47:00I've been working, Mom.

00:47:01Go back to bed.

00:47:02You got my fucking vodka?

00:47:03I mean, I feel for him.

00:47:04But, uh, you can take a guy like that, trying to marshal that kind of cast, with that kind

00:47:13of baggage, he doesn't stand a chance.

00:47:18Moe never had conflicts on his sets.

00:47:28He didn't believe in that.

00:47:29I mean, Moe's philosophy was, it takes a village to make a porn.

00:47:33He had people in the love shack who had great big hearts, who had immense amounts of tolerance.

00:47:40And that collaboration worked.

00:47:42Every important innovation in pornography, with the exception of the delivery boy in a

00:47:47face shot, came from Moe Saltzman.

00:47:50In the late 60s, Moe merged pornography and poetry into an experimental genre called pornitry.

00:48:00I am fear.

00:48:03I am ennui.

00:48:06I'm a roasted peanut.

00:48:09I am my own orgasm.

00:48:11And in 1979, he produced Phallus in Wonderland, the world's first computer-generated porn tune.

00:48:17What's my name?

00:48:18Steve.

00:48:19Say my name, bitch.

00:48:20Steve.

00:48:21Louder.

00:48:23Steve.

00:48:2533.

00:48:26Didn't we shoot 33 last night?

00:48:27Oh, uh, yeah, 90%.

00:48:30Just a couple pickups.

00:48:31Okay.

00:48:32Yeah.

00:48:33And what about, um, 45?

00:48:36Yeah, pickups.

00:48:37Couple inserts.

00:48:38And 50?

00:48:39Inserts.

00:48:40Mac, I gotta be honest, the rest of this sheet looks like a Xerox of yesterday's call shot.

00:48:44We didn't get everything yesterday.

00:48:46We got 90% of it.

00:48:47Well, what are we not getting?

00:48:48Maybe we don't need it.

00:48:49Great.

00:48:50Then, then, what are we missing?

00:48:52Uh, uh, the sex.

00:48:54The sex?

00:48:55Yeah, just a little of the sex.

00:48:56What the fuck are people gonna be watching?

00:48:58People are not coming to a porno for a snappy dialogue.

00:49:01Yeah, no, no, no, no.

00:49:02That's why Meryl Streep doesn't do porno.

00:49:04We got the best of the best coming up.

00:49:05Whitney and Hallie, Sphincter Brothers.

00:49:06Yeah?

00:49:07Jake Stallone.

00:49:08Are they gonna fuck or are they just gonna talk?

00:49:09Yeah, they're gonna fuck.

00:49:10You bet.

00:49:11You bet.

00:49:12You're gonna see it.

00:49:13You're gonna hear it.

00:49:14You're practically gonna smell it.

00:49:16Who's your guy?

00:49:17You're my guy.

00:49:18I'm your guy.

00:49:19Your guy's not gonna let you down.

00:49:20It'd be so sad if something happened to my guy, right?

00:49:22Yeah.

00:49:23Nothing's gonna happen.

00:49:24Be my guy.

00:49:25Yeah.

00:49:26And action.

00:49:27Ladies, it's official.

00:49:28Secretary Blumquist is officially dead.

00:49:29Oh, no, not dead.

00:49:30Hands down, the biggest asshole I ever met, Jake Storm.

00:49:33Okay?

00:49:34Asshole.

00:49:35A lot of different porn stars are, um, they're more, uh, oh, oh, darling, it's all about you.

00:49:38I'm not like that.

00:49:39I'm more like, huh?

00:49:40Yeah?

00:49:41You want some?

00:49:42Cause I got more.

00:49:43Oh, yeah.

00:49:44You want some?

00:49:45Cause I got more.

00:49:46Oh, yeah.

00:49:47Oh, yeah.

00:49:48Oh, yeah.

00:49:49Oh, yeah.

00:49:50Oh, yeah.

00:49:51Oh, yeah.

00:49:52Oh, yeah.

00:49:53You want some?

00:49:54Cause I got more.

00:49:55Are you sure?

00:49:57I was with him for 90 minutes.

00:49:59Did you take your stuff with those?

00:50:01I did.

00:50:02Twice.

00:50:03You know, it's funny.

00:50:04They say that the best way to get over tragedy is to do something that makes you happy.

00:50:08It's do something that you're in love with.

00:50:10Something that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

00:50:13It's something that you don't want anything for.

00:50:14What the fuck is wrong with you?

00:50:16Hey, hey, hey.

00:50:17Come on.

00:50:18No, no.

00:50:19Autumn.

00:50:20Autumn.

00:50:21No, no, no.

00:50:22Get off, for God's sake.

00:50:23Come on.

00:50:24We've got to.

00:50:25No, no, no, no.

00:50:26Not the waiters.

00:50:27Come on.

00:50:28We're gonna go on vacations together.

00:50:29This is why we don't do anything safe together.

00:50:31Yeah.

00:50:32Woo.

00:50:33Woo.

00:50:34Woo.

00:50:35That would have been a good color.

00:50:36That would have been a nice color.

00:50:37Shut up.

00:50:38Yes.

00:50:39Yes.

00:50:40Yes.

00:50:41No old girl named Judy from the other side of town.

00:50:43She's got a crazy booty and her hoodoos are renowned.

00:50:46Her body is a ten, but her face is a four.

00:50:48She's built like Jenna Jameson, but looks like Al Gore.

00:50:50But her face.

00:50:51This is an easy point.

00:50:52No.

00:50:53Do you know what type of underwear your mother wore?

00:50:54She always wore one size above what she needed.

00:50:55Just to have that little extra.

00:50:56I don't want Jenna.

00:50:57Oh.

00:50:58What about an answer?

00:50:59Okay, forget it.

00:51:00You know what?

00:51:01This is it.

00:51:02Not happening.

00:51:03And I give her a team about her, but her face.

00:51:05Hawkman!

00:51:06Oh.

00:51:07Oh.

00:51:08Oh.

00:51:09Oh.

00:51:10Oh.

00:51:11What?

00:51:12Oh.

00:51:13Oh.

00:51:14Oh.

00:51:15Oh.

00:51:16Oh.

00:51:17Oh.

00:51:18Oh.

00:51:19Oh.

00:51:20Oh.

00:51:21Oh.

00:51:22Oh.

00:51:23Oh.

00:51:24Oh.

00:51:25Oh.

00:51:26Oh.

00:51:27Oh.

00:51:28Oh.

00:51:29Oh.

00:51:30Oh.

00:51:31Oh.

00:51:32Oh.

00:51:33Oh, that's great.

00:51:35That's really cute.

00:51:38It's hot, right?

00:51:39Yeah.

00:51:40See?

00:51:41Good.

00:51:42Let's see one of the other ones.

00:51:43How about Halle and Whitney?

00:51:44Yeah.

00:51:45Show me the girl.

00:51:46That's it.

00:51:47That's it for Bud and Lynette.

00:51:49Yeah.

00:51:50Show another one.

00:51:51Yeah.

00:51:52What about Doug and Debbie?

00:51:53This is all we've got.

00:51:56Mack?

00:51:57Oh my god.

00:52:00Andre?

00:52:02It's going to come together!

00:52:03We've got a lot of the dialogue.

00:52:04You've been coming home every night and telling me everything's great.

00:52:06It is great.

00:52:06Oh, I knew you were cleaning the stupid garage for a reason.

00:52:09God damn it.

00:52:10I wanted to spare you because I know how emotional you get.

00:52:13You've got beautiful women.

00:52:14You've got guys who have been doing this forever.

00:52:16Put them on a set and let them bump vaginas and get a fucking movie together.

00:52:19Jesus.

00:52:22We got most of the dialogue.

00:52:24You're not my fucking guy.

00:52:25You are not my fucking guy.

00:52:27When you're cutting a film like this, it's like you go to one of those all-you-can-eat buffets.

00:52:30Way to go, Mitch.

00:52:31And as the editor, you pick and choose what looks good and you put it together into a potentially beautiful meal.

00:52:41And all we've got now is like a side of coleslaw.

00:52:49You know what?

00:52:50We had a rough couple of days.

00:52:53So I decided to shake things up a little bit.

00:52:55I called our leads, told them to take the morning off and get your shit together.

00:53:00I'm really glad our scene got pushed back, you know, because I'm still in a lot of pain.

00:53:05And, you know, my depth perception's way off.

00:53:08So it's just really hard to get around set and everything.

00:53:11Well, it took a little finessing, but I moved some things around.

00:53:15I scheduled a scene with Furious Georgia and Carl Munson, masters of sadohygienic cinema.

00:53:23I feel waxy.

00:53:25I'm shaking.

00:53:26I'm still dirty.

00:53:28What do you have?

00:53:30Gingeritis.

00:53:31I can't hear you.

00:53:34Gingeritis.

00:53:35These guys are total pros.

00:53:37We can't miss with these.

00:53:38We'll get a couple easy scenes under our belt.

00:53:41We'll be back in business.

00:53:43And action.

00:53:44Did you or did you not bake the lingonberry pie?

00:53:50No.

00:53:52Liar!

00:53:54Did you or did you not know that the secretary, Blundquist, was allergic to lingonberries?

00:54:00I didn't know.

00:54:02Liar!

00:54:07You're a very weak little girl, are you not?

00:54:10I'm a weak little man.

00:54:14I'm a mouse.

00:54:15I'm a mouse.

00:54:17Liar!

00:54:19I'm sorry, that's not even good.

00:54:21I know.

00:54:22It fucking sucks.

00:54:23Who's going at that?

00:54:24We're still rolling.

00:54:25All right, we're going from the top.

00:54:27Jesus, right?

00:54:30Liar!

00:54:31Like that?

00:54:33I'm so scared.

00:54:35I spoke with one of my guys down at the Center for Advanced Menopausal Studies,

00:54:40and here's what he says we can expect out of Furious Georgia.

00:54:43Mood swings, irritability, fatigue, memory loss, depression, hot flashes, decreased libido,

00:54:51okay, vaginal dryness, and incontinence.

00:54:55Now, if that doesn't say porn star, I don't know what does.

00:54:57Did you, or did you not, bake the Lincolnberry pie that killed the Secretary Blumquist?

00:55:10I did not.

00:55:13Liar!

00:55:17Hey, nobody makes me feel as badly about myself as you do.

00:55:21Fuck me.

00:55:22I can't do this.

00:55:23We're not fucking menopausal.

00:55:25I didn't have to do this when I was menopausal.

00:55:26Do you need some sugar?

00:55:27Do you need a...

00:55:28I don't need sugar, Hollister.

00:55:30I need hormones.

00:55:32It was pretty bad.

00:55:33We saw one of the great ones go down today.

00:55:35You know, really.

00:55:36Truly one of the great ones.

00:55:38It rocks me.

00:55:39It shakes me.

00:55:45Okay.

00:55:46These fuckers are fucking big!

00:56:04This is the moment I've been to you.

00:56:34I've been waiting for it for eight years.

00:56:36Yeah, all right.

00:56:37All right.

00:56:37I'll see you out there.

00:56:39It's finally here.

00:56:40Me and Marty back in the saddle.

00:56:42It's beautiful.

00:56:43Okay, you guys.

00:56:44You want to take positions?

00:56:46Yeah, we're good.

00:56:46Marty, in the middle, please.

00:56:47Yeah, okay.

00:56:48Marty.

00:56:48Marty, take your spot in the middle.

00:56:50Jerry, you're right over his right shoulder.

00:56:51La Ciena, take your one, please.

00:56:53Right here.

00:56:53Beautiful.

00:56:54Ready.

00:56:55Roll camera.

00:56:56Okay.

00:56:57Ready.

00:56:57And action.

00:56:59You!

00:57:00You slept with Senator Blumquist in the study.

00:57:03How could you do that to me?

00:57:05Niels, you need to get over it because we need to focus on getting an alibi.

00:57:10Ah, I've been cuckolded by a nuclear.

00:57:12Damn it, Niels, you're drunk again.

00:57:14Brigitte's right.

00:57:16Constable Bjornsson's forces are coming at us from the north wing.

00:57:20The Swedish National Guard, they're coming at us from the south.

00:57:23It's only a matter of time before the tips of those two forces touch.

00:57:27All right, hold it.

00:57:28Hold it.

00:57:29Keep rolling.

00:57:29The slow thing's not really working for me.

00:57:33Establish the forces.

00:57:34The forces.

00:57:35Boom.

00:57:36The pounding.

00:57:36Action.

00:57:37They pound, pound, pound.

00:57:38Pound, pound, pound, pound.

00:57:39It's the violence of the smashing of the tips.

00:57:42We want to see the jackhammer.

00:57:45The tension comes from the violence.

00:57:47Come on.

00:57:48Come on.

00:57:49The tips have to smash.

00:57:51Pound, pound, pound.

00:57:53Oh, dear God.

00:57:55Marty, Marty, wait a minute.

00:58:00We're just working the scene here a little bit.

00:58:02Marty?

00:58:04Get the fuck in here.

00:58:05What?

00:58:06What was that out there?

00:58:07What?

00:58:08We're shooting a scene.

00:58:09Sometimes things get a little hairy.

00:58:11A little hairy?

00:58:12That was like chaos out there.

00:58:14The deadline for the Peaveys is in two days.

00:58:16That's the whole point of this.

00:58:17I can shoot this in one day.

00:58:18We got two days?

00:58:19Great.

00:58:19No problem.

00:58:20Listen, you don't understand how desperate I am, okay?

00:58:22Listen.

00:58:23No.

00:58:23I'm playing with Ted's money here.

00:58:25And if Ted's money goes away, Ted's going to get bitchy.

00:58:27And if Ted gets bitchy, then I get bitchy.

00:58:30And if I get bitchy, trouble ensues.

00:58:34You get me?

00:58:34I get you.

00:58:35I get you.

00:58:35I'll get it.

00:58:36I'll get it.

00:58:36You better get it.

00:58:38Because you know what?

00:58:38If I wanted to get fucked in the ass, I'd go home.

00:58:40Well, I had a really productive meeting with Andre last night.

00:58:46We addressed some concerns that we were both having.

00:58:48And I've made some calls.

00:58:50I've taken some measures.

00:58:51Everything's going to be right on track.

00:58:54Yeah.

00:58:54Yeah, it's really good.

00:58:56Essentially, I'm a diva doctor.

00:58:58I am brought into sets to different locations all around the world.

00:59:02And I help everybody solve problems.

00:59:05So when I leave, people can skip hand in hand.

00:59:08Do you remember when you used to fight in grade school?

00:59:10And the teacher would make you hold hands with your friend and say,

00:59:13Sing the friendship song.

00:59:14Make new friends, but keep the old.

00:59:18One is silver and the other is gold.

00:59:20I can't hit the high note, but I think you know what I mean.

00:59:24That's kind of what I do.

00:59:26I don't do the song, but the song's really in here.

00:59:30Hey, everybody.

00:59:31My name's Kat Waters.

00:59:32I'm thrilled to be here.

00:59:33I was called upon by your director to be an on-set negotiator.

00:59:37Let's clear the air here.

00:59:39I'm going to start a phrase, and you're going to complete it.

00:59:41I feel things went wrong when.

00:59:44I feel things went wrong when Hallie showed up.

00:59:48We're not going to point fingers yet, okay?

00:59:50Because when you point one finger, there's three pointing back at you and a big old thumb.

00:59:55It's probably been in someone's tush.

00:59:57Went right back at you.

00:59:58I feel things went wrong when I can't open my eye right now.

01:00:03We're going to do a little thing called leaving the crying to the audition room.

01:00:07You know what?

01:00:07We're all adults here, and we just need to talk because little babies cry.

01:00:12Oh, point Kat Waters.

01:00:13So we really, we really need to be adults here.

01:00:16She's very good.

01:00:17Kat Waters, I saw myself in her, and I saw herself on me.

01:00:23You know, I just saw the two of us connecting, you know, like two women who know exactly what

01:00:30they want, you know, who know how to go at it and get it done.

01:00:35That's right.

01:00:36Woman, woman to woman, mano a mano, woman-o a woman-o.

01:00:39Mano a mano, old ponytail lady in a suit.

01:00:42I like your style.

01:00:44I love it.

01:00:45Cheers to a working lady with a ponytail.

01:00:48That's my water.

01:00:49That's my water.

01:00:51Gretchen, you want to go ahead and start with your demands?

01:00:52Yeah, I do.

01:00:52Okay.

01:00:53The specific demands that we are making all pertain to a health issue and a safety issue on

01:00:59behalf of my client.

01:01:00She is allergic to glitter peroxide, the lipstick that she uses, pig tape,

01:01:04tails, unwashed pubic hair, and baby powder.

01:01:07Not to mention the fact that Hallie has one nipple the size of a yarmulke, the other one

01:01:11is an acorn cap.

01:01:12That's just disorienting.

01:01:13We can't work with that.

01:01:14That is outrageous.

01:01:15I will not do with that kind of attitude.

01:01:18Excuse me.

01:01:19These are her demands.

01:01:21You're not effective when you yell, Dad.

01:01:24I mean, all of her.

01:01:27I'm not comfortable with the unwashed pubic hair.

01:01:30We wash every...

01:01:31Well, no one's comfortable with that.

01:01:32Every single pubic hair, singularly, every day.

01:01:36Okay.

01:01:37I've heard this happening before.

01:01:38When girls have that weird unwashed smell, it's actually an excess of melon.

01:01:42So if you can stop with your honeydew honey, I think things will be smelling pretty nice

01:01:47down south.

01:01:48Oh, she is good.

01:01:49She is good.

01:01:50So we're okay with that?

01:01:51I won't eat melon.

01:01:52Okay.

01:01:52As far as the nipples, you could fill in the small one with a rouge or a blush.

01:01:58Something.

01:01:58Something that won't come off in a hand when it's pinched.

01:02:01Because I see it and then I'm like, where am I?

01:02:02I can't have that.

01:02:03She could fall.

01:02:04I could fall over.

01:02:05You're sensing that her nipples are like the size of an acorn, but you want more of a

01:02:09bagel bite?

01:02:10Yes.

01:02:10I think we can work this out in makeup.

01:02:12Are you all right with having a little rouge, maybe a little lip line or something to spread

01:02:17out your areola more like a little pizza?

01:02:19Is that okay?

01:02:20Yes.

01:02:20Okay.

01:02:21I'm hearing that we've kind of wrapped this up pretty beautifully.

01:02:25I mean, I think we can put a kiss on this stamp and put it in the mail.

01:02:30Can we put this letter in the mail?

01:02:32Don't send it to me.

01:02:35Everybody thinks I'm having some emotional reaction to something.

01:02:38I'm fine.

01:02:39It's this production.

01:02:40I mean, this thing is not a tight ship.

01:02:42It's being run like a freaking high school production of Pippin.

01:02:45Excuse me.

01:02:46Oh, hey, Marty.

01:02:47Can I borrow you for a minute?

01:02:48Yeah, sure.

01:02:50Cool.

01:02:50Thanks.

01:02:51It's probably another wardrobe fitting.

01:02:54Yeah?

01:02:59Come on in, Marty.

01:03:00My wardrobe's fine.

01:03:03Hey, Marty.

01:03:05Hey?

01:03:07We love you.

01:03:08You know that, right?

01:03:09Sure.

01:03:09I, I, I, I have a fondness for you.

01:03:14What's up?

01:03:14We care about you, and we feel that you have a problem that we need to discuss.

01:03:20What are you talking about?

01:03:21Jerry, what's he talking about?

01:03:23This is an intervention.

01:03:24You're having an, you're having an intervention.

01:03:28Why, why, why, why, Jerry?

01:03:29Why, why are we having an intervention today?

01:03:31Marty, I'm your brother, and I love you.

01:03:34We're having an intervention today.

01:03:35Eight years ago, rockin' a hard place.

01:03:38La Cienega was there, Hollister.

01:03:42We were doing a scene.

01:03:44Something went wrong.

01:03:46Something went wrong.

01:03:47Terribly wrong.

01:03:48Terribly wrong.

01:03:49What are you talking about?

01:03:51You guys touched wieners.

01:03:54I got it.

01:03:55Marty, we touched tips.

01:03:56Let's face it.

01:03:58We touched tips.

01:03:59How did, how do you know, how do you know, how do you know we touched tips?

01:04:03I heard it.

01:04:04You heard it?

01:04:05I heard it.

01:04:06I, I, I don't know, I have no idea what you're talking about.

01:04:08You can't run from it, Marty.

01:04:09Believe me, everyone knows.

01:04:11It's on the internet.

01:04:12Eh, not helpful.

01:04:14All right.

01:04:16All right, fine.

01:04:17So what?

01:04:18So what?

01:04:18So what if we did touch tips?

01:04:20So what?

01:04:20What's the big, that, that, that, that has to mean something?

01:04:22I lost my brother over it.

01:04:24Well, it's not my fault that your life is shit and mine is fantastic.

01:04:27It's not your fault.

01:04:28It's not my fault that you're playing the banjo on Venice Boulevard and I'm making multi-million dollar deals.

01:04:34It's not your fault.

01:04:34It's not my fault.

01:04:35Well, it's partially his fault.

01:04:36It's not.

01:04:37It's not his fault.

01:04:38It's not my fault.

01:04:39It's not.

01:04:39There were two penises there that day.

01:04:41It's not my fault that we don't play catch anymore.

01:04:43It's not my fault I'm not responsible for this relationship anymore.

01:04:46It's not my fault.

01:04:47Don't do it.

01:04:48It's not my fault.

01:04:50It's not my fault.

01:04:51It's not my fault.

01:04:53It's not my fault.

01:04:54We touched damage.

01:04:55We touched tips.

01:05:03We touched tips and we enjoyed it.

01:05:06Okay.

01:05:06Well.

01:05:08What?

01:05:09We enjoyed it.

01:05:10I didn't enjoy it.

01:05:12That's disgusting.

01:05:14Marty.

01:05:14Stay.

01:05:15Stay in the room.

01:05:15Marty.

01:05:18He's not good.

01:05:18Did you really enjoy it?

01:05:21Wow.

01:05:22They enjoyed it?

01:05:25That's a little creepy, don't you think?

01:05:29Well, those Jews.

01:05:32Why am I in charge of the keys?

01:05:33It doesn't seem like I would be the guy who would be selected to be in charge of the keys.

01:05:37Because you were driving.

01:05:38Were you in this room?

01:05:39I don't know.

01:05:40I just really want to get out of here.

01:05:41Where did you leave them?

01:05:42I handed them to you.

01:05:44I know.

01:05:45You gave them to me.

01:05:46I had them in my hand.

01:05:47And then I remember I put them.

01:05:49Put them where?

01:05:50I don't think they're in this room.

01:05:53I didn't feel them.

01:05:53You didn't feel them?

01:05:54Have you looked?

01:05:55No, I don't have to look.

01:05:56I just feel them.

01:05:57See if they're in the room.

01:05:58So let's just.

01:05:59Do you remember this room?

01:06:00Get another way home.

01:06:01No, I don't.

01:06:02It smells like Chinese food.

01:06:04This is the room we shot Deep Dish.

01:06:06Deep Dish?

01:06:07Yeah.

01:06:07No, you think?

01:06:10Yeah, this was definitely Deep Dish.

01:06:13Wow, this really smells like cats in here.

01:06:17I don't know what that is.

01:06:18Do you remember this?

01:06:20You know, I have to get back for water polo practice.

01:06:27But I could spare a few minutes.

01:06:31Nice.

01:06:34You were the one that wanted the sausage and pepperoni.

01:06:37You must be a meat lover.

01:06:48Yeah, I remember that.

01:06:50You do?

01:06:50Mm-hmm.

01:06:51Yeah.

01:06:53We deliver in 30 minutes or less.

01:06:57I remember.

01:06:58Yeah.

01:06:59You do deliver.

01:07:01You delivered that day.

01:07:03Oh, that one day, yeah?

01:07:05Yeah, and the day after.

01:07:06You're, you were so amazing to me.

01:07:11Yeah?

01:07:11Yeah, you totally calmed me down, and you, because I was so nervous, and I was completely broken

01:07:16out in hives.

01:07:17You knew how nervous I was, and you, you massaged me, and you had this whole little patter, this

01:07:22whole little story.

01:07:23Healing hands.

01:07:24Healing hands.

01:07:24You know, you've always been really sweet to me.

01:07:32You're a really good man.

01:07:36Not too bad yourself.

01:07:42Should we try to find the keys?

01:07:45I know where the keys are.

01:07:47Where?

01:07:47I locked him in the car.

01:07:50I'm gonna be here.

01:07:51Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

01:07:53Oh!

01:07:54Oh!

01:07:55Oh!

01:07:56Oh!

01:07:57Oh!

01:07:58Oh!

01:07:59Oh!

01:08:00Oh!

01:08:01Oh!

01:08:02Oh!

01:08:03Oh!

01:08:05Oh!

01:08:06Oh!

01:08:07And cut!

01:08:08Oh!

01:08:09Guys, guys, this is beautiful stuff.

01:08:10This is gorgeous stuff.

01:08:11We're just gonna reset some lights.

01:08:13Stay locked down.

01:08:14Alright, thanks.

01:08:15Oh, it's still there, still there.

01:08:16That's all.

01:08:17I don't want to do it.

01:08:18Yeah, yeah, save it, save it.

01:08:19Oh, my God.

01:08:20I'll never want to leave like a hand in a glove

01:08:28So I was thinking maybe we could do something this weekend

01:08:34Like maybe go for a hike sure yeah, oh, you know what now wait the Tyler's coming no, I can't do that

01:08:45Whatever no, I mean we just have to go hike with your Tyler

01:08:48Oh stop no, sure. I don't think with the time

01:08:54It's insane thing to say I'm gonna run off with the Tyler everybody's having their little problems

01:08:58It's okay. I can bring them back together. I'm a problem solver get off me. I'm done

01:09:05No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's happening? What's happening? What do you need? What do you need?

01:09:09What do you need some some water done? I'm just completely fucking done. Do you need just a break five minutes?

01:09:13You know what? Yeah, I need to I gotta have this today

01:09:16Debbie, yeah, we were so close. Yeah, you do not just whistle and I come

01:09:22What all right?

01:09:24No, no, no, no, no, no, okay. Look I admit it. We got nothing, you know, we had absolutely fucking nothing

01:09:30But you know what we should we still got Hallie and Whitney and they're our leads and

01:09:35And that's what's gonna sell the movie. I can just I can sell the whole movie on their scene alone

01:09:39It's gonna be hot. It's gonna be hot believe me and trust me. They're ready to go

01:09:43Ned I'm gonna need more blush for the baby nipple. Oh

01:09:51I'm ready for my scene

01:09:54I'm so ready

01:09:57Agents if you could clear the set glamour squad out, please. All right looks lovely. You know what you're doing. Okay, great

01:10:03Let's roll sound rolling roll camera

01:10:06Speeding and action

01:10:09Oola darling

01:10:13Oola

01:10:15Oola

01:10:16Come here

01:10:17Have a look at me

01:10:21I miss

01:10:23You look radiant

01:10:25Like a delicate little flower

01:10:28It is no wonder Lars has taken a liking to you

01:10:31Oola darling

01:10:33You know you can never be with Lars

01:10:35You are a common house front nearly twice his age

01:10:40His age

01:10:45I miss

01:10:47Tis true

01:10:48Oh your patch

01:10:50Allow me

01:10:53That's better

01:10:55Good

01:10:56Then we'll have no more of that

01:10:59Well, let's see what we have here

01:11:01Oh my my

01:11:02What a lot of lingonberries

01:11:05Just what the recipe calls for

01:11:08Fancy a taste

01:11:09You know I don't snack before meals

01:11:11I wasn't talking about the pie

01:11:14Neither was I

01:11:15Whore

01:11:16Ditch

01:11:17Stink

01:11:18Hank

01:11:19Oh

01:11:20That is it

01:11:21Oola angry

01:11:24You're going down Captain Hook

01:11:25And not the way you're used to going down

01:11:27Bring it on

01:11:29I'm gonna cut your pretty face like I cut it on the street lady

01:11:32I'm not afraid of you

01:11:33Oh really?

01:11:34Cause I'm gonna cut you

01:11:36Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

01:11:37You are going down

01:11:38You are going down

01:11:39You are going down

01:11:40You're nuts you are

01:11:41That crazy bitch pointed a shoe at me

01:11:43I thought

01:11:44Come on, let's go

01:11:45We quit

01:11:46That's it

01:11:47Goodbye

01:11:48You can't quit

01:11:49You're under control

01:11:50Oh really?

01:11:51You know this sign?

01:11:52I'll give it to you again

01:11:53Come on, let's go amateurs

01:11:54This is out of control

01:11:55You have lost control of this set

01:11:56This movie is done

01:11:57We don't need her

01:11:58This movie is no more

01:12:00Mack, you're done

01:12:01She's hot

01:12:02She's sweaty

01:12:03Listen, it's done

01:12:04Go

01:12:05Andre

01:12:06Andre

01:12:11Thank you

01:12:21Thank you

01:12:22Let's get it, Kevin

01:12:35Running out of time

01:12:37And as the days go by

01:12:41It feels like dying

01:12:46It's not the end of the world for me

01:12:48But it was, uh

01:12:50Would have been nice for these folks

01:12:51To have one last

01:12:53Go round

01:12:55I thought this would be a great opportunity

01:12:58To see the old gang

01:12:59And to pay tribute to Mo

01:13:00We came close

01:13:02I think we came close

01:13:03We were almost there

01:13:04I don't know

01:13:05Maybe Mo could have pulled her off

01:13:06It didn't work out the way you thought it would

01:13:09It didn't

01:13:10Come together

01:13:11You know

01:13:12But a work of art is never finished

01:13:14It's just

01:13:15It's abandoned

01:13:16That's stage two

01:13:17He's working through it

01:13:19Pathetic

01:13:20I thought this would be good

01:13:21To kind of rekindle things

01:13:22Re

01:13:23See each other in a different light

01:13:25But

01:13:26I guess

01:13:27Only I saw it that way

01:13:29I can't believe they let it come to me

01:13:33It's so stupid

01:13:34It's so stupid

01:13:36I mean

01:13:37The worst part is

01:13:38If you needed an actor

01:13:39Why don't you just use me?

01:13:43I'm right here dammit

01:13:45Are you blind?

01:13:49You're an idiot

01:13:50Back to one

01:13:51Back to one

01:13:52I hate you

01:13:53That's one out of four

01:13:54That's nice

01:13:55You're an idiot

01:13:56I know it's painful

01:13:57You're an idiot

01:13:58That's four

01:13:59I know it's painful

01:14:00That's four by the way

01:14:01You went back to two that time

01:14:02I wanted this experience to be something beautiful

01:14:06I wanted it to be two women

01:14:08You know

01:14:09Having that lesbian experience

01:14:10Um

01:14:11And

01:14:12And it just wasn't gonna work

01:14:13Whitney and lesbians

01:14:14Uh

01:14:15Uh

01:14:16They don't work

01:14:17They don't work

01:14:18You know who else doesn't work?

01:14:20My maid

01:14:21She is so fucking lazy

01:14:23I'll take a week in the south of France

01:14:25And field some offers

01:14:26And get back to it

01:14:28A couple commercials waiting for me

01:14:31Back there

01:14:33Love is a very powerful thing

01:14:42It transcends time

01:14:44You can always find love again

01:14:46It makes, you know, the old young again

01:14:49And uh

01:14:50The young wise

01:14:52I think people go away from love

01:14:54And then they come back to love

01:14:56You know

01:14:57And that's where they're the happiest

01:14:58When they find the love again

01:15:03I want to thank you all for coming back

01:15:21Uh

01:15:22Listen, I've got something to say

01:15:25I can't do this anymore

01:15:27Uh

01:15:30It's a lie

01:15:32It's all a lie

01:15:33I haven't been working in Europe

01:15:34I've never even been to Europe

01:15:38Ever since

01:15:39Fondling fathers

01:15:41I

01:15:42I've been living in my mother's garage

01:15:45And I've been directing books on tape

01:15:48But the biggest lie is that

01:15:52There

01:15:53There isn't a steamer trunk

01:15:55Mo didn't leave a script

01:16:01Or a cast list

01:16:03Or a cast list

01:16:04Or anything

01:16:08I just wanted to make another movie

01:16:10And uh

01:16:11For a little while there

01:16:12It felt like family again

01:16:14And uh

01:16:15That's the greatest feeling in the world

01:16:18Now I haven't been true to myself

01:16:22Or to you

01:16:24Or to you

01:16:25I

01:16:26I

01:16:27I don't think that you have been true

01:16:28To yourselves

01:16:29Neither

01:16:30Debbie and Doug

01:16:32My God

01:16:33Your marriage was an inspiration to everybody in the business

01:16:35I looked for that kind of relationship my whole life

01:16:39And never found it

01:16:41You can't let the color of carpet

01:16:45Destroy what you two have

01:16:47Jerry

01:16:50What happened to you man

01:16:51Where'd you go

01:16:52What happened to that happy-go-lucky kid from Jew Sandwich

01:16:55Marty

01:16:56You've just become an asshole

01:16:58You were the best

01:16:59You were the best because you were brothers

01:17:02And you loved each other

01:17:04You touched tips

01:17:06It happens

01:17:07You guys gotta get over it

01:17:12This is Mo's bolex

01:17:14This

01:17:15Is the camera

01:17:16That he shot cock-a-doodle-don't on

01:17:18Hey

01:17:19That's not fondue

01:17:20Came out of this camera

01:17:22We can do the same thing

01:17:24We can come together

01:17:26We can find the love

01:17:27We can find the family

01:17:28We can take this camera

01:17:29Esteban's

01:17:30Got a bunch of short ends

01:17:31We can put together

01:17:32We'll just shoot this thing old school

01:17:34Like Mo did

01:17:35We go out

01:17:36We set up a scene

01:17:37Everybody at once

01:17:38Making love

01:17:39Not just having sex

01:17:41Making love

01:17:42We do it old school

01:17:44No sets

01:17:45No lights

01:17:46No props

01:17:47Just the love we have for each other

01:17:52No one's seen a film like that in a long time

01:17:55In a long time

01:17:57Now who's with me?

01:18:01Who's with me?

01:18:03It's all

01:18:06I know

01:18:09But now

01:19:56I got a hole inside a man, reaching to fill my hole.

01:20:05All right.

01:20:10That's the one.

01:20:11You set?

01:20:12Yeah, we're ready.

01:20:13Call the camera.

01:20:15Speed.

01:20:17Ready?

01:20:19And...

01:20:20In the end, Hollister did make his deadline, and Dial M was nominated for a Best Picture

01:20:31Peavy.

01:20:33Unfortunately, it lost to Dr. Stinklove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,

01:20:37which starred Halleluja in her first angle release.

01:20:42But even though it didn't win an award or get any recognition, I do feel that the picture

01:20:46did exactly what Moe would have wanted it to do.

01:20:49For millions of porn fans, it gave them something to...

01:20:54something to masturbate to for years to come.

01:20:57Find your target.

01:21:01Good.

01:21:01All right.

01:21:03What does she do that disrespects you?

01:21:06And you don't even have to say anything.

01:21:07I just want that visual image.

01:21:08Put it in the nail.

01:21:08Use that visual image.

01:21:09Put it in the nail.

01:21:10Put it in the nail.

01:21:10I'll tell you what's exciting and wonderful right now.

01:21:13We've created this new company called Erect and Connect.

01:21:16We're really working on remodeling people's homes, which is where we found friction.

01:21:21Mm-hmm.

01:21:21And, well...

01:21:23Remodeling their lives.

01:21:24Boy, I'm scared.

01:21:24I don't want to lose a nail.

01:21:25Honey, do you want to lose your marriage?

01:21:27Have you seen my nails?

01:21:29Have you seen your marriage?

01:21:30Love and honor.

01:21:31It's the teamwork.

01:21:32Oh, honey, hold this.

01:21:34Okay, I'll be there.

01:21:35I'll support you.

01:21:36And then they support the beam, and the husband or wife hammers the nail, and they're sawing

01:21:40and they're screwing, and then they're screwing.

01:21:47After Dial-Lem's release, Mac Hollister was immediately catapulted back onto the A-list.

01:21:52Glenn, I wanted teal.

01:21:54And he signed several international endorsement deals.

01:21:58My urban sprawl.

01:22:02My mini-mall.

01:22:04My giant balls.

01:22:08My home is in the valley.

01:22:10My cigar is El Guapo.

01:22:18Could you sign your nads for me?

01:22:20Yeah, you want to run down the balls?

01:22:21I feel like I've been blessed this past year.

01:22:24The film we're working on next is entitled Special Net.

01:22:27And it's about a mentally handicapped high school student who vows to lose his virginity before

01:22:35the end of the summer.

01:22:36And as you know, handicapped kids have a hard time getting laid in real life.

01:22:43Through this film, we hope to inspire other handicapped kids to go out there and try it.

01:22:48Safe, not rape, not rape, whose idea was that?

01:22:54That's gross.

01:22:55Not to get retarded kids out raping people, but to inspire them to live normal lives.

01:23:01What the fuck is this?

01:23:04But no one benefited more from the experience than Cat Waters and Gretchen Becky.

01:23:08A week after the film wrapped, they were married at the love shack.

01:23:12I just came.

01:23:13Too loud.

01:23:14Too loud.

01:23:14Hey.

01:23:15Too loud.

01:23:19We don't actually do the Ferber method.

01:23:22We don't let her cry it out.

01:23:24But what we do is it's a shrieking technique.

01:23:27Watch this.

01:23:28I don't think that you can overstate the importance of the Sphincter Brothers' reconciliation, but

01:23:41sadly, the story doesn't end there.

01:23:44During the Dial M orgy, Jerry accidentally entered Marty's anus for eight seconds.

01:23:50Oh!

01:23:51Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

01:23:54How would I like to be remembered?

01:23:56I think I've created a lot of love, you know, through the relationships I've created, you

01:24:03know?

01:24:03I've brought some fantastic people together who've fallen in love and created love and

01:24:09made love and they spread their love, you know?

01:24:12To be the acorn of so much love is such a wonderful legacy.

01:24:17And I think that would be a beautiful way to be remembered as in, you know, the acorn of

01:24:23love.

01:24:26Or with a plaque.

01:24:27I'm a simple man with simple needs.

01:24:35I don't ask for much.

01:24:36I don't beg or plead.

01:24:37I got no use for wealth or fame, for fancy cars or a domain name.

01:24:42Live my life free from worry.

01:24:45I never fuss or fret or hurry.

01:24:47Can't be bothered with ambitions, creature comforts or acquisitions.

01:24:52All I want is a Cleveland steamer, a donkey punch and a roasted wiener, a hot car lumber and

01:24:58a teapack lumpy.

01:25:00If I don't fuss enough, well, I'm awfully grumpy.

01:25:02I wake up early, take a golden shower, eat a soggy biscuit and a whiskey sour.

01:25:12Then I put on my clothes fast and reckless, Arabian goggles and my new pearl necklace.

01:25:17Go to work, put on my murk and lock my door and I work my gherkin.

01:25:22By five o'clock, I'm tired and weary, so I treat myself to a gaylord fairy.

01:25:27All I want is a Cleveland steamer, a donkey punch and a roasted wiener.

01:25:32A hot car lumber and a teapack lumpy.

01:25:34If I don't fuss enough, well, I'm awfully grumpy.

01:25:42Back at home, I make my dinner with my trusty old tossed salad spinner.

01:25:47Eat a pulled pork sandwich and a side of stuffing, some warm rice pudding and a cornhole muffin.

01:25:52Then I lie in bed just thinking about my simple tastes as I conk out.

01:25:56How I like my milk's all big and musty, my Sanchez dirty and my Trombo rusty.

01:26:01All I want is a Cleveland steamer, a donkey punch and a roasted wiener.

01:26:07A hot car lumber and a teapack lumpy.

01:26:09If I don't fuss enough, well, I'm awfully grumpy.

01:26:12All I want is a Cleveland steamer, a donkey punch and a roasted wiener.

01:26:16A hot car lumber and a teapack lumpy.

01:26:19If I don't fuss enough, well, I'm awfully grumpy.

01:26:31Wanda was a waitress, but she did porn on the side

01:26:41With Bob, who came from Vegas and had thoughts of suicide

01:26:44Bob did things with Stacey, whose one single claim to fame

01:26:46Was she once like Kevin Spacey at an L.A. Clipper stand

01:26:49Stacey messed with Linus, an agoraphobic Tamra

01:26:54Who overcame her shyness by fellating men on camera

01:26:56Then Tamra, 69, with Scott, a licensed CPA

01:26:59Who can always find her G-spot, even though he's gay

01:27:01Hey, hey, everybody

01:27:06Santa knows that you've been naughty

01:27:09Yo-ho, everyone

01:27:11CEO of Soccer Mom

01:27:14It doesn't matter what you do or who you think you are

01:27:19Cause baby, you're a f***ing porn star

01:27:22Scott went from Devastar with a honey named Yvette

01:27:26Who liked to fan her ass for money on the internet

01:27:29While Christmas at her office, young Yvette did Secret Santa

01:27:32She drew a boy named Horace, who did smut films in Atlanta

01:27:34Horace teabagged Misty, who resembled Ally Sheedy

01:27:39She specialized in fisting and had type 2 diabetes

01:27:42The weirdest thing of all is that Misty drove a Honda

01:27:44She bought her all the Craigslist from a waitress named Wanda

01:27:47Hey, hey, everybody

01:27:52Santa knows that you've been naughty

01:27:54Yo-ho, everyone

01:27:57CEO of Soccer Mom

01:27:59It doesn't matter what you do or who you think you are

01:28:04Cause baby, you're a f***ing porn star

01:28:08Hey, hey, everybody

01:28:12Santa knows that you've been naughty

01:28:15Yo-ho, everyone

01:28:17CEO of Soccer Mom

01:28:20It doesn't matter what you do or who you think you are

01:28:24Cause baby, you're a f***ing porn star

01:28:28She definitely well

01:28:31She's like, no, you're a f***ing porn star

01:28:32Who do you think you are

01:28:34The other person

01:28:35and even for me

01:28:37So you're a caffeine

01:28:37She's like, no, you're a f***ing porn star

01:28:38That was a fragmentations

01:28:41And I'm so busy

01:28:42Don't seem to slip

01:28:45Get ready

01:28:46To beAnd Fast

01:28:48Win

01:28:49Turn

01:28:51Turn

01:28:53And

01:28:54Ok

01:28:54Want

01:28:55And

01:28:55Yay

Category

Transcript

Be the first to comment

Recommended