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00:00You look so good I'm in danger of suffering a penile injury in my pants.
00:14Should I move my foot?
00:15I swear to god I would paper cut my own eyelid for a wet willy from ya.
00:19You gotta style all your own, Shorzy.
00:20Well it got me the hottest girl in Sudbury, let's fucking go.
00:24But that kind of sweet talk doesn't work on me anymore.
00:26Why?
00:27Huh?
00:27Because you told Wayne Gretzky you'd let him close an elevator door on your nuts?
00:30I'd let the great one sauce pox into my teeth, that's fucking 99.
00:34Let's get serious.
00:35I'm super serious.
00:36These are my terms.
00:37Oh my god.
00:39You can stay over on nights I don't have my kid.
00:42I already stay over on nights you don't have your kid.
00:44Well we work our way up to you staying over on nights I do have my kid.
00:48So we're working our way up to me staying over on nights you don't have your kid and also...
00:52Nights I do have my kid.
00:53So we're working our way up to...
00:55Moving in together.
00:56Yeah!
00:57Yes!
00:58Sit down Shorzy.
01:00Yeah!
01:00Eddie said sit down.
01:02Oh my god you've made me the happiest girl alive.
01:04I'm ready for this.
01:05We're gonna have so much fun we're gonna stay up late we'll drink pop.
01:08But?
01:08We'll watch wrestling.
01:09I want my kid to let me know when he's ready for this.
01:13Then we wait for the kid.
01:15So this is cool?
01:16What?
01:17I don't know my friends say I'm still playing you too much.
01:20You talk to your friends about me?
01:21Yeah and I still can't believe I'm dating a slut.
01:24What do you say?
01:24I say you do nice things for me.
01:26Well fine I'll buy you breakfast but it's your turn and that's your rule not mine.
01:31I think you'd do just about anything for me.
01:33Wanna see if I can swallow that salt shaker?
01:35I say you keep me entertained.
01:36Well I'm crazy about you and I don't care who knows it Eddie.
01:40Okay Shorzy.
01:42You make my life easier.
01:46What do you say?
01:50Don't.
01:50Don't what?
01:51What do you say?
01:52It's like how good it feels so I feel something.
01:55What are you doing?
01:56I feel something like real.
01:58Stop that.
01:58I'm starting to think maybe I never would.
02:00I will kick you in your nuts.
02:01People say manifesting is stupid it's silly.
02:03Okay I know you're joking but this is so dumb I won't even joke about it.
02:06But I did it.
02:07Did what manifested something?
02:08What did you manifest?
02:21They're unbeatable.
02:32That's the media narrative.
02:33Okay.
02:34They're 7-0.
02:35Ex-pro.
02:35Every one of them drafted to the show.
02:37Their average height is 6'5".
02:38They're killing everybody.
02:39Average height.
02:40Their goalie won Olympic gold.
02:42These guys are monsters.
02:43How do you eat an entire elephant?
02:45I don't know.
02:45One bite at a time.
02:46You think the bulldogs can beat the EU all-stars?
02:48No.
02:49No.
02:49No way.
02:50Bro then what are we fucking doing here?
02:51Then what are we fucking doing here?
02:53Hang in tight for your good idea, Shorzy.
02:55We formed the no-show all-stars.
02:57That's not gonna do it.
02:58Plus some other guys.
02:59The no-show all-stars?
03:00Plus some other guys, yeah.
03:01We have to market this shit, Shorzy.
03:03You really want to run with the no-show all-stars plus some other guys?
03:06No.
03:07Then what?
03:07The EU all-stars versus...
03:10The no-show north-stars.
03:12Bingo.
03:12It's perfect.
03:13What do you think?
03:14I really don't care.
03:16Who?
03:16What?
03:17Who?
03:18What?
03:18Oh my god.
03:19Who are the other guys?
03:20I'll have your roster by end of week.
03:21Where are they coming in from?
03:22North America.
03:23Well, that narrows it down.
03:24Did you not give it its kibble this morning?
03:26Fuck you, Shorzy.
03:27Like, when you must keep some extra pellets in your pocket by now, no?
03:30And you're certain these guys from North America will get on a plane to celebrate for this?
03:33To play a team of Euros?
03:34Their sayings better at our game than we are?
03:36Yes.
03:37They'd walk.
03:39How can we help?
03:40Actually, I'll need to borrow your service dog for this first call.
03:43Fuck you, Shorzy.
03:44Emotional support animal or whatever.
03:45Okay, Shorzy.
03:46But first, can you give it some fucking chow?
03:48Who do you need me to call, slut?
03:49And if you throw some white rice in there, it won't be so farty.
03:52Who is he talking to?
03:56Oh my god.
03:58Gorgeous Gord Galant.
03:59Fancy seeing you here.
04:00To a toy of the pleasure.
04:01It's going to be a real long road if you want to talk like a fruit, Gord.
04:04Twice in two days, Zeiguan.
04:06How'd I get so lucky?
04:07What does he mean, twice in two days?
04:08What does he mean?
04:09Huh?
04:10I banged him on Zoom last night.
04:12Ew.
04:13Was it first for me?
04:14Not for me.
04:14On this computer?
04:16We are assembling a team to play the EU All-Stars.
04:19Whoa, those guys are bigger than me.
04:20Can you fly here this week?
04:21To play on the team?
04:22I want to bake muffins.
04:23I'd walk.
04:24Told ya.
04:25You better bring some fucking Gatorade, Gord.
04:27Yeah, bring her a pigs ear too.
04:28She loves those.
04:29Fuck you, Shorzy.
04:30Oh hey, can you hang out for the next call here?
04:33Why?
04:33Because you're the only one I've ever seen communicate successfully with them.
04:37Who?
04:38The Freezer Twins.
04:39Yes.
04:40Guys, have you heard of this EU All-Star team that's over here killing everybody?
04:42Yes.
04:43When?
04:44You were at McDonald's.
04:46We're putting together a team to play them.
04:49Where?
04:50Here.
04:50When?
04:51Good question, when?
04:53Matt just asked that.
04:54No, I was asking Zeig.
04:56What?
04:56When we're playing the EU All-Stars.
04:58Why?
04:59Because I don't know the answer.
05:00Zeig, when is the game?
05:01Soon.
05:02My cousin Tim's birthday is July 9th.
05:04Oh my god.
05:04The game will be before that.
05:05Okay, because I can't play that day.
05:07It'll be in the next couple weeks, right?
05:08I don't know.
05:09No, I was asking Zeig.
05:10Do you know?
05:11Do I know what?
05:12Yes, the game will be within the next couple of weeks.
05:14Do I know if I'm going to Tim's birthday?
05:16Yes.
05:16Guys, let's focus here.
05:17Let's go in the dark bowling.
05:19Nat is going to fly you guys to Sudbury to play in a hockey game against the EU All-Stars.
05:22Soon?
05:23Yes.
05:24How soon?
05:24Because Survivor's almost done.
05:27Gord, can we lock this up?
05:28I'm doing my best.
05:28It's been a bearded fucking summer with these guys.
05:31But Tim's birthday is July 9th.
05:32Holy!
05:34I don't think they understand.
05:35Is there any reason all these have to be on Zoom?
05:38No.
05:38Divide and conquer?
05:39Yes.
05:40Yes.
05:51Delaney.
05:52They don't want to let it go.
06:01Snur.
06:01In.
06:03Hello.
06:08We're playing those guys?
06:10Yup.
06:17Oliver.
06:19Playing that European All-Star team.
06:21Where?
06:21In the town.
06:22I just got their strip club back.
06:24Let's go.
06:31We're playing those guys.
06:35Oh.
06:36It's all else.
06:37Oh.
06:38Oh.
06:39Wow.
06:40Oh.
06:42It's a running that Horseman.
06:43But IAUX.
06:44I'm going to let it go.
06:46Oh.
06:47And kuv.
06:49Oh.
06:50Yeah.
06:50Yeah.
06:52Yeah.
06:52They're描
06:53Yeah.
06:54I don't wanna let it go.
06:54But I.
06:56It's the
06:58A,
06:59They don't wanna let it go.
07:29Oh, we don't have a room.
07:30Shut the fuck up, Michael.
07:31We don't have a dressing room?
07:32Not at this juncture.
07:33Schnurr get his hand up, look.
07:34What a fucking nerd.
07:35Schnurr!
07:36Rather than all of us clashing over trivial matters
07:38en route to coming together in the pursuit of a common goal...
07:41Ah, fuck you, you shnery old fuck.
07:42Let him finish.
07:43Why don't we just connect on that common goal now?
07:45Focus on what really matters here.
07:47Beating the EU.
07:48That's what I'm trying to do!
07:49Settle down.
07:50Hold up!
07:51Tell me if I was asked to help you.
07:52Oh my God.
07:53Let's get on the go, bye.
07:54Yeah, fine.
07:55Say, you guys happen to know anyone with a cereal, a winery, and 2,857 NHL points?
08:09Are you fucking serious?
08:10Wayne Gretzky?
08:11Yeah, Wayne Gretzky.
08:12We don't know him.
08:13Oh my God.
08:14We know of him.
08:15Don't be a smartass.
08:16Well, he asked if we knew him.
08:17Well, I didn't mean literally.
08:18Fuck this up, bro.
08:19Yeah, it doesn't matter.
08:20I was talking to Wayne the other day.
08:22Gretzky.
08:23Really?
08:24Yeah, really.
08:25Yeah.
08:26What did you talk about?
08:27Me and Gretzky?
08:28Oh man.
08:29Well, he's like, how's it going?
08:31And already I'm thinking, this is crazy.
08:33That's so crazy.
08:34What else did you talk about?
08:35He's just like, what's new?
08:37Just like, really easy to talk to when you might not think he would be.
08:40That's so cool.
08:41And anyway, we could chat a little bit more and he says that, uh, you watch this on TV?
08:46Oh, Wainer.
08:47Yeah.
08:48National Senior Tournament on Brodude.
08:50Wainer.
08:51Says he loves how we play.
08:53What?
08:54I'm just standing there minding my own business.
08:58A great one walks over, says you're going to give me something to watch next year, right?
09:01Yeah.
09:02Yeah.
09:03What'd you say?
09:04Asking you shall receive, Mr. Gretzky.
09:06You really said that?
09:07Well, no.
09:08I fucking wish I could be that cool in front of the great one.
09:10Probably said something like, for sure.
09:13Yeah.
09:14We are going to give them something to watch this year.
09:16Called the No Show North Stars.
09:17Yeah.
09:18We're going to be playing the EU All Stars.
09:20Yeah.
09:21And boys, we're going to do some real bad shit to those guys.
09:23Oh, yeah.
09:24But first things first, start a new team.
09:27What do you need when you start a new team?
09:29Culture.
09:30You need to build a winning culture.
09:32And how do you build a winning culture?
09:33Two things.
09:34First thing.
09:35Names.
09:36Take care of the people that take care of us.
09:38Know their names.
09:39Chat them up.
09:40Be good to them.
09:41I'm sure you're wrong.
09:42Yeah.
09:43I know.
09:44It's not always been my style, but it's important.
09:46Tassel.
09:47We don't have like a trainer or an equipment guy or anything like that.
09:51Senior Will shit hockey.
09:52Yeah.
09:53We're kind of pops.
09:54We don't have nice things.
09:55But we do have Emily.
09:57She works the ticket window, runs the 50-50.
10:00And one time she put her hand on my leg at a Christmas party.
10:03Now sometimes Emily's got her granddaughter Ethel with her.
10:06And I know it's kind of weird because like Emily's old with a young person name,
10:10but Ethel's young with an old person name.
10:13But that's just like an example of the type of thing you can chat to her about
10:16when you stop by to see how she's doing.
10:18What's her name?
10:19Emily.
10:20This is Kev.
10:21Drives as Zamboni.
10:22Keeps the ice clean for us.
10:24He's here every night past 11 with the beer leaguers
10:26and back every morning at 6am for the Timbits kids.
10:29He's one of the greatest community members Sudbury's got.
10:32Might even be a bigger beauty than Emily.
10:35Figuratively.
10:36And literally I guess.
10:38What's his name?
10:39Kev.
10:40This is Santiago and George.
10:41George spelled with a J.
10:43Which I think is a pretty cool way to spell it.
10:45They don't even speak English.
10:47Now these guys clean the rink.
10:49Which means that every time some asshole spits their gum into the urinal,
10:52they gotta fish it out.
10:53And every time some drunk hurls a sidewalk pizza in the stands,
10:56they gotta mop it up.
10:58Now they won't say much, but they love donuts.
11:01So if you're stopping by Tim's on the way to the rink,
11:04it's a honey crawler for Santiago and a Boston cream for George.
11:08If you grab a maple dip for Kev, I doubt he'd complain.
11:11What's their names?
11:12Santiago and George.
11:14What's his name?
11:15Kev.
11:16What's her name?
11:17Emily.
11:18Hell yeah, fuck yeah.
11:19First practice as a team here, boys.
11:21Big practice on deck here now.
11:23I'm on hard passes, calling for pucks.
11:25Practice how you play.
11:26What do you say, old gorgeous?
11:27What's second?
11:28Huh?
11:29The second thing.
11:30What do you mean the second thing?
11:31To building a winning culture.
11:32You said it takes two things.
11:33First thing, names.
11:34Second thing?
11:35Beers.
11:36To be continued.
11:37To be continued.
11:38To be continued.
11:39To be continued.
11:40To be continued.
11:41To be continued.
11:42To be continued.
11:43To be continued.
11:44To be continued.
11:45To be continued.
11:46To be continued.
11:47To be continued.
11:48To be continued.
11:49To be continued.
11:50To be continued.
11:51To be continued.
11:52To be continued.
11:53To be continued.
11:54To be continued.
11:55To be continued.
11:56To be continued.
11:57To be continued.
11:58To be continued.
11:59To be continued.
12:00To be continued.
12:01To be continued.
12:02To be continued.
12:03To be continued.
12:04To be continued.
12:05Jorzi!
12:19Why?
12:23Come here.
12:27Georgie?
12:31What?
12:32Come here.
12:33For what?
12:34You do a head count?
12:35Do I look like a fucking scoutmaster?
12:37One is missing.
12:38Where is he?
12:39Probably getting his dick sucked.
12:40It's Delaney.
12:41Fucking cokehead.
12:42He's our best scorer.
12:43Where is he?
12:44On the strip club side of the bar for sure.
12:46This is a team mixer, Georgie.
12:48Well, you brought him to a bar where half of it is a strip club.
12:51So?
12:52So bring a kid to play land, he's gonna go ball pit.
12:54We are here to get to know each other.
12:56I know.
12:57You're right.
12:58We need total buy-in.
12:59I'm with you.
13:00So what's he doing over there?
13:02Zeke, hold my beer.
13:03Fuck you, Georgie.
13:04Fine.
13:05I'll go get him.
13:06Go get him.
13:07Yeah, I'm gonna go get him.
13:08Go get him!
13:09Fucking Delaney.
13:12Oh.
13:13You're an idiot if you think you can get her, Michael.
13:15I know, Georgie.
13:16When do you compare to Sanguinetti's tall with long hair and a long dick?
13:18Okay, Georgie.
13:19You're short with a weird face.
13:20Okay, wow.
13:21Take a dick, though.
13:22I'll give you that.
13:23Thanks.
13:24Delaney.
13:25Half of this bar is a strip club.
13:26Half of this bar is a team mixer.
13:27Yeah, but half of this bar is a strip club.
13:28We're here to get to know each other.
13:29At a strip club?
13:30That's kind of weird.
13:31No, only half of this bar is a strip club.
13:32Uh-huh.
13:33Wanna come back in ten?
13:34We're here to build a winning culture, Delaney.
13:36Okay, five.
13:37You can't build a winning culture unless every guy buys in.
13:39I know.
13:40Every single guy.
13:41Absolutely.
13:42Man, what are you doing on the strip club side of the bar when there's a team mixer on
13:45the club side of the bar?
13:46You brought me to a bar where half of this-
13:47No, I'm buying in.
13:48All right, man.
13:49I'll buy in.
13:50No, you won't.
13:51I'm buying in.
13:52No, you fucking aren't.
13:53I'm in.
13:54Now let's fuck these zeros up.
13:55Do you want to drink where half of it's a strip club?
13:56Now we're talking.
13:57Oh, you fucked me.
13:58You're cut.
13:59Fuck off.
14:00No, we don't need you.
14:01Get out of here.
14:02Oh, come on, man.
14:03It's the first night.
14:04What do I have to do?
14:05We're gonna do some real bad shit to these guys, Delaney.
14:07We can't do it unless every guy buys in.
14:09I'll do it.
14:10The zeros are 7-0.
14:11I have to be on the Steam Shores.
14:13Y'all do anything.
14:14I don't believe you.
14:15How do I prove it?
14:16Let me prove it.
14:25We don't have a dressing room.
14:26That's the real thing?
14:27We lost it.
14:28How do you lose a dressing room?
14:29Those guys have it now.
14:30Keep playing.
14:31Keep playing.
14:32Keep playing.
14:33Keep playing.
14:34Keep playing.
14:35Want to be on this team?
14:37Yes.
14:38Huh?
14:39Yes.
14:40We'll get it back.
14:41Are you serious?
14:43Buy in.
14:55Bye.
14:56Bye.
15:25hours like the towers
15:26we back and we better
15:28they rain like the showers
15:29we watching you cowards
15:31all of you cowards
15:32yeah
15:55fuck with the boy
16:00ain't cold as he
16:01yeah
16:02fuck with the boy
16:20ain't cold as he
16:21ain't what they seem
16:21not bold as me
16:22ain't live the life
16:23as low as me
16:24oh please
16:26I don't do the nosebleeds
16:28I just pass them those keys
16:30valet parking roads please
16:32money is power
16:34look at the people in power
16:35funeral flowers
16:36freedom devoured
16:38this is my choice
16:39this is ours
16:40America's ours
16:41lives like the towers
16:43we back and we better
16:44it rain like the showers
16:45we watching you cowards
16:47all of you cowards
16:48that's how you build
16:50a winning culture
16:51everybody buys in
16:52who are you going to do this
16:54with
16:55do what
16:55coach
16:56huh
16:56every coach needs an assistant
16:58yeah a little good cop
16:59bad cop
17:00Sanger
17:00what so we can see Michaels
17:02try to wheel his girl
17:03try
17:03she's way too hot for him
17:05you think
17:06she's such a little sweetie
17:07she's just such a
17:08she's just such a little cutie
17:10I saw her and Michaels
17:10make out on the security cameras
17:12really
17:13I saw them making out tonight
17:14really
17:15and her and Sanger split
17:16really
17:18does she look like the type
17:20to step out
17:20no
17:21she's such a little sweetie
17:23she's such a little cutie
17:25so then who's your assistant coach
17:27you
17:31me
17:34are you serious
17:41no
17:43oh my god
17:45what the fuck are you gonna do
17:46fuck you shortsy
17:47you've never skated a day in your life
17:48I've skated for years
17:49not on men's skates
17:50you are such an idiot
17:52you're gonna fucking teach him how to tow pit
17:54then who
17:54my brother
17:56really
17:57yeah
17:58why
18:00well
18:01don't ask me that
18:02why not
18:02because it gets bad when I have to talk about him
18:04what do you mean
18:05trust me
18:05it gets bad
18:07well you're gonna have to talk about him
18:09we're announcing it
18:10and I promised someone the exclusive
18:12aww no fucking
18:14I'm Jory Jordan
18:15and this is a Sudbury Kids Sport Report exclusive
18:17a respected coach
18:18feared player
18:19beloved boyfriend
18:20an overall stand-up guy
18:21that guest was unable to make it today
18:23so instead we've got formally number 69 Shore
18:25Shorezy
18:26the growing sentiment around town and on socials
18:28is that the no-show North Stars
18:29is full of irrelevant
18:30washed-up losers
18:30who couldn't get a win
18:31if it was listed for free on Kijiji
18:32what's the question
18:35no question
18:35more to that
18:36for years now
18:37you've surfed the line between
18:38sinfully ugly and eye-wateringly stupid
18:39period
18:40with Shorezy today
18:41is his newly appointed assistant coach
18:43and brother
18:44Morris
18:45call me Mo
18:46it's the OG right there
18:48what's up big homie
18:48that's what it do
18:49Shorezy last time I checked
18:51white people can't call black people brother
18:53like black people can call black people brother
18:55what makes you think you're somehow above convention here
18:57he's actually my brother
18:58ah mixed race parents
19:00you know what it is
19:01no
19:02no
19:02my dad is white
19:04are you sure
19:05we don't know our moms
19:07well I bet yours is not Nordic
19:09we're adopted
19:10you're adopted brothers
19:11yes
19:11I was gonna say
19:12mixed race parents all day
19:14but it is rare to see someone
19:15that white
19:16procreate with someone
19:16that black
19:17Shorezy you've never had an original thought
19:19in your life
19:19tell me
19:20how did you land on my boy here
19:21as your assistant coach
19:22oh man
19:25just
19:25there's no one in the world
19:28I respect more
19:29and
19:29it's because I respect him so much
19:32trust him so much
19:35as soon as I love him so much
19:38can you elaborate on that Shorezy
19:40just for
19:42everything you did for me growing up
19:44he
19:45was always looking out for me
19:48and
19:48making sure nothing bad ever happened to me
19:52sorry
19:54back it's bad eh
20:00well
20:00you didn't sob or anything
20:02so bad do I have to talk about him
20:03bit of a spectacle
20:04back it's bad eh
20:05what are his strengths as a coach
20:08he keeps it simple
20:09what are you doing
20:09want to see the room
20:11I want to see the room
20:13it's not our room anymore
20:14saw that
20:15is it nice
20:16you haven't seen it
20:17no
20:17come see it
20:18how did you get in there
20:19it's unlocked
20:20and nobody's around
20:21no
20:22and they just left the room unlocked
20:24who cares
20:24well
20:25hey
20:25you said you want to see the room
20:27yeah
20:27so come see it
20:29keeps it simple
20:31all the bulldogs should see it
20:33Shorezy
20:34who cares
20:35is there a tv in there
20:40tabarnak les boys
20:42you've gone five fucking minutes
20:45bon c'est bon mais mieux c'est
20:46voyons tabarnak c'est pourri ça
20:48I prefer for the community by the community
20:51wee bit of an upgrade eh
20:52clean big mole
20:53like you were never here
20:55a 4-0 lead for the EU in Edmonton after one
21:04with the visiting team scoring four unanswered
21:07in a dominant first period
21:08both physically and on the scoreboard
21:10oof another thundering check from Hakaroyu
21:12and another Edmonton player on the ice
21:15boy I bet these guys wish they were somewhere else
21:175-0 for the Europeans
21:19not an inch of room for Edmonton out there
21:21and the shots reflect that 27-7
21:23midway through the second period
21:25and the Europeans are up 6-0
21:27we've got Annick Archambault with EU coach Teppamaki
21:29Annick?
21:30Teppo
21:31some crease crashing from Edmonton this period
21:33but Cederstrom has stood tall
21:34he's a brick wall out there
21:36it's just nice to finally see a bit of pushback from Edmonton here
21:40nice to see some fight from anyone on the side of the pond
21:44you're garnering quite the reputation for your spicy quotes coach
21:47we are all watching the same game
21:49the reputation for tough hockey here has expired
21:53undeserving
21:55look at the size of Rosichka
21:57might be the biggest man I've seen on skates
21:59absolutely ragdolling him
22:01Edmonton could show you some guys from that band Sudbury Church League right about now
22:04I heard those guys play like psychos
22:077-0 EU
22:09we'll go to commercial
22:108-0 EU
22:119-0 EU
22:1310-0 EU
22:15double digits
22:16and now 11-0 for the Europeans
22:18you really have to see it to believe it folks
22:20this EU team is spectacular
22:22their unbeatable trend
22:24unbeatable
22:43move it around
22:44move it around
22:54move it around
22:56move it around
22:58So move it around.
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