Mock the Week - Season 5 Episode 15
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00:00I don't believe that everything you see I hear
00:07Read all about it
00:12Read all about it
00:15Picture the world, Picture the world
00:17Read all about it
00:20Read all about it
00:23Picture the world, Picture the world
00:26Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Dara Breen.
00:32Joining this week are Andy Parsons, Ben Narsen, Russell Howard, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Michael McIntyre.
00:46Okay, we start with headliners. Here's a picture of Lib Dem leader Sir Mingus Campbell at his party conference in Brighton.
00:52But what does P-M-O-C stand for?
00:57Is it the Lib Dem leadership options? You've got pissed man or corpse.
01:02Is it, um, is it, please, memory old, can't.
01:13It's horrendous, doesn't it? It looks terrifying.
01:15Didn't I kill him on level three of Resident Evil?
01:18Is it, please make Orville cooperate?
01:25Is it Peter Mandelson's oldest conquest?
01:31No. Okay, the C stands for Campbell.
01:33Problems mount on Campbell.
01:34Pressure mounts on Campbell.
01:36Pressure mounts on Campbell.
01:37The answer I was looking for was pressure mounts on Campbell.
01:45This is a subplot to this week's conference.
01:47Sir Mingus set out his policies on environment, taxation and economy.
01:50Questions continue to be asked about his leadership and poor performance in the polls.
01:55What problems has he faced at the conference?
01:56He's an old bastard, Dara.
01:59He was the guy who founded the Ming Dynasty.
02:04It does come down to that, doesn't it, basically?
02:06I mean, you know, he can say whatever he wants, but you just find yourself going,
02:09yeah, he's old, don't he?
02:10I had, I had somebody in a pub the other day, it was horrific,
02:13he's got some good policies, but I bet he'd done how to use an iPod.
02:16And you're like, as if that matters in any way,
02:20kind of going, what are you going to do about immigration?
02:21Shuffle.
02:24It's not even so much that he's just old,
02:26he's so sort of lifeless and lacks energy.
02:29There's more life left than Robin Cook.
02:33He's got one white blood cell left and it's fighting the Alamo.
02:38No wonder Flash Gordon won every week.
02:42He is the same age as Paul McCartney,
02:45and who would you rather have running the country?
02:47Well, yeah, probably him, actually, to be honest.
02:51Surely if anyone's praying for an early election,
02:55I mean, he must be praying for an early election.
02:57It's number two on the list in his prayers after painless death.
03:02Early election.
03:03Who prays for a painless death every night?
03:06Surely.
03:07Surely every morning and every night.
03:09He says he wants a greener vision of Britain.
03:12And he's going to have a greener vision of Britain, isn't he?
03:16Because soon he's going to be looking up at it
03:18through about six inches of grass.
03:21Surely they'd bury him deeper than that.
03:24What kind of cheapskate funeral home was he going to?
03:30He's only 66.
03:32I know.
03:32That's all he is.
03:34Ming has said he wants to hammer the rich people.
03:37Yeah.
03:37He said he wants to hammer the top 10% of earners.
03:40And people going, well, you know,
03:42you'll never get people to vote for increases in tax.
03:44Well, I think if it's just increases in tax on the top 10%,
03:48then people will probably be going,
03:49maybe we will vote for that.
03:51The rest of the 90% of us going Sodom.
03:54You know,
03:55how you feel about that as host of a top television show,
03:58I don't know.
04:00Sodom.
04:01They're not kidding you.
04:02They're not kidding you.
04:03Okay.
04:04See, that's the interesting thing,
04:05because he can say he's going to hammer the rich,
04:07but ultimately the rich own the media.
04:08So that's why there's photos of him near toilets
04:10looking really old.
04:11There's no chance of him winning.
04:13That photo near a toilet, by the way,
04:14is probably the most famous shot.
04:15Yeah, there you go.
04:15This is the shot.
04:16You're going to see everywhere with regards to the liberal.
04:18But him just pointing at a toilet.
04:20I'm more worried.
04:21Pointing at a toilet and combined exercise machine,
04:23where you can clearly sit down and isolate your pecs.
04:28Yeah.
04:29A couple of reps,
04:30just as I'm on the push out.
04:34Inhaling.
04:35The new abdominizer.
04:38Yeah.
04:38Here's a quote from Mingus.
04:40If you ever put me in one of those hand-slicing machines,
04:42you'd find the top half liberal
04:43and the bottom half liberal democrat.
04:46What an incredible thing to say.
04:48Well, A,
04:49who goes into a ham-slicing machine for a start?
04:52I'm sure you mean one of those machines
04:54that cuts you in half,
04:55not one that slowly grinds you down
04:57through a series of really tiny slices.
04:59He'll still be alive after this.
05:01I mean, it shows you he has a zombie.
05:04That would be amazing conference.
05:05No wonder you couldn't kill him
05:06on that private residence evening.
05:08That would be great.
05:09If they asked him to the part of the conference
05:10and they said,
05:10please welcome our leader,
05:11and everyone's expecting a very boring speech once more,
05:14Minzee's Campbell,
05:15whatever he's called,
05:16and his legs come out
05:17two minutes before his body.
05:21Liberal Democrat.
05:22Come on.
05:23Bring out the cheeky girls.
05:26He's got a 4% approval rating,
05:30which is nothing.
05:32So they could just have anybody lead them.
05:34It's not going to make any difference.
05:36So I say,
05:36come on,
05:37let's get Lee from Blue.
05:38He's not going to be any warsh.
05:42He's looking for a gig.
05:43Yeah.
05:44And also his policies
05:45aren't going to come at it for us
05:46and say whatever he wants.
05:47I think that the homosexuals
05:48should declare war on the robots.
05:52Doesn't matter.
05:53Lee from Blue.
05:53A bit of a laugh.
05:55And also his name is very odd.
05:56His name is Mingus.
05:58Mingus, yes.
05:59Scoss.
05:59Yeah, but it's pronounced,
06:01it's spelled M-E-N-Z-I-E-S.
06:03Yes.
06:04Well, why are you looking at me
06:05like I'm insane?
06:06That's Menzies.
06:10Menzies.
06:11John Menzies.
06:12But apparently,
06:14they're M-E-S.
06:15Apparently don't go,
06:16let's go to John Mingus.
06:17They don't do it.
06:18But what's he doing?
06:19Martina Hingus.
06:20Martina Hengis.
06:22But I used to look at me
06:23like I'm not making sense.
06:25It's a G, not a Z.
06:27Because I'm waiting
06:28to turn on me
06:29and my crazy ethnic name.
06:30When they were bringing
06:31it's Men-Zed.
06:33It's not G.
06:33When they were growing,
06:34it's fundamentally,
06:36something wrong with this man.
06:36He can't speak.
06:37He doesn't understand his own name.
06:38When he was growing up,
06:39hello Ming,
06:41shall we go to the Gu
06:42and see the Gebra?
06:43What are they talking about?
06:44Shall we catch Gu Ludon
06:45and maybe get to Gingaburger?
06:49In fact,
06:50you should pronounce it
06:51John Mingus.
06:52Apparently,
06:53it's to do with
06:53a defunct
06:54Scottish letter Zog.
06:56There.
06:56You couldn't make
06:57that sort of crap up,
06:58did you?
06:59It shows you
07:00it shows you
07:01how boring
07:01the Liberal Democrats are.
07:03It's more interesting
07:04to talk about
07:05the defunct letter Zog.
07:09How does the letter
07:10become defunct?
07:11Yeah, we didn't see it.
07:13We've had enough of Zog.
07:15All right.
07:18What's going on here?
07:20Big conga.
07:21They're in a massive conga.
07:23That is a queue
07:23outside Northern Rock
07:25somewhere where
07:26there's a Northern Rock.
07:27That is a queue, yes.
07:28And old, old people
07:29because they're the only ones
07:30with savings
07:30and they've got more money
07:31than anybody knew.
07:33How much money
07:34have these badly dressed
07:35old people
07:36who send you
07:37one pound
07:38for your birthday?
07:39It's unbelievable.
07:40I get a check
07:42for ten pounds
07:43from my grandmother
07:43and look at these people.
07:45It's unbelievable.
07:46I've got 1.2 million pounds
07:48in there.
07:48Buy yourself a new fleece.
07:50Look at the straight women.
07:54It's unbelievable.
07:55They're not up to these people.
07:57And they say
07:57I'm worried I'm going to lose everything.
07:59You should be more worried
07:59about announcing
08:00on national television
08:01that you've got
08:01one million pounds
08:02in your tartan trolley bag.
08:05Can you spare me any change?
08:08No, only got cash.
08:09One pint to a million.
08:12And the thing is
08:12they're now wandering
08:13about northern town centres
08:15with all this cash
08:16so everything else
08:17is falling
08:18but the values of Greggs
08:20must be going through the roof.
08:22I mean, commodities brokers
08:23are going zincs down,
08:25tins down,
08:25yum-yums,
08:26three pound each.
08:29I'm also convinced
08:30when I saw these pictures
08:31I'm sure that half of them
08:32are just there for fun.
08:33So why are you cooing?
08:34I've no idea
08:35but it's great, isn't it?
08:37If somebody on the news
08:38that looks like fun
08:39let's have a bit of that.
08:41Oh, and what now?
08:43The bank of backing our money
08:44will be able to queue
08:45to put it back in again.
08:48It was quite continuing.
08:50It was impressive
08:50because this is how you
08:51as a nation panic.
08:53If you line up
08:54in an ordinary fashion
08:55and wait for AJ
08:56to get a draft.
08:58It's impressive.
08:59It's taking little chairs.
09:00You see footage
09:00of like a Latin American
09:02bank collapse
09:02and there's people
09:03like picking up bins
09:04and throwing them
09:04to a window.
09:07That's how it was in
09:08I think it was Argentina
09:09the last time the bank
09:09went, none of that
09:10up in northern towns
09:11it's all like
09:12yes, well, you know
09:13we've been here all morning
09:13it'd be very pleasant actually.
09:16Why don't we move on?
09:17Can I just say
09:17this picture is far sadder
09:19than any of us have realised
09:20because this woman
09:21at the back
09:21in the red dress
09:22is paying eight pounds in.
09:24My favourite story
09:28was apparently
09:29Newcastle United
09:31are sponsored
09:32by Northern Rock.
09:33Yeah, yeah.
09:34I'm looking forward
09:35to the chants
09:35come Saturday
09:36you know
09:37you only sing
09:38when you're queuing
09:39where's your money gone
09:42where's your money gone
09:44you're going down
09:46with the Alliance
09:46and Leicester
09:47I didn't even know
09:54that banks borrowed money
09:56this has come
09:57it's quite a shock
09:57I
09:58you go to your bank
09:59you borrow money
10:00you expect that institution
10:01to be giving you money
10:01it comes as quite a shock
10:02to me that people
10:03are in there
10:03going
10:04can I borrow
10:05five thousand pounds
10:06and then they're going
10:07just bear with me
10:08you know
10:08when they always get up
10:09and they go away
10:09they're on the phone
10:10in the back
10:10going
10:10is that Ocean Finance
10:12I'd like to borrow
10:15five thousand pounds
10:17yes I am a hormoner
10:21now we play a round
10:33called Northern Mock
10:34this game
10:35involved Michael
10:39Andy
10:40Frankie
10:40and Russell
10:41so if you could make your way
10:42to the performance area
10:43please
10:43this is where we test our
10:44performance stand-up skills
10:45we spin the news generator
10:46it settles on our topic
10:46and anyone can volunteer jokes
10:48the winners of the team
10:49I judge who produced
10:50the funniest stuff
10:51okay here we go
10:53let's spin the wheel
10:54the first subject
10:57is health
10:58going to volunteer
10:59Frankie
10:59part of the
11:02side effect
11:03of the smoking ban
11:05in Scotland
11:05is that every pub
11:07no matter how
11:08terrible
11:09or horrible
11:10now has tables
11:12and chairs
11:12outside it
11:13basically Glasgow
11:14looks like Paris
11:15after a nuclear war
11:17people say
11:20there's no such way
11:22as a good way
11:23to die
11:23and those people
11:24have never heard
11:25the phrase
11:26drug-fuelled
11:27sex heart attack
11:28there's a great case
11:33in Scotland
11:33at the minute
11:33a guy had a sex change
11:35and he had everything
11:36chopped off
11:36and then he decided
11:38that he wanted to
11:38change back
11:39he wouldn't let him
11:40so he went to
11:41the European court
11:42and they said
11:43okay you can change back
11:44now he's changed
11:45his mind again
11:46wants to see his
11:47yes
11:47typical woman
11:49okay let's spin the wheel
11:57again
11:57subject is the
12:00West Country
12:01who
12:02how can you not
12:05love the West Country
12:06I've genuinely seen
12:07graffiti in Bristol
12:08during the last Tory
12:09campaign
12:09do you remember
12:10are you thinking
12:10what we're thinking
12:11somebody had written
12:12underneath it
12:12is it do I like
12:14what's it
12:14it's phenomenal
12:17it's wonderful
12:20isn't it
12:21I used to live there
12:22I've moved away
12:22from Bristol
12:23because I was near
12:23a dogging site
12:24which is just
12:24a bit odd
12:25right
12:25I wasn't into it
12:27I was just near
12:28a dogging site
12:28and I was talking
12:29to my friend
12:30I was like
12:30Jane why do they
12:31do dogging
12:31near the house
12:33right
12:33and she looked
12:33and went
12:33apparently
12:34you've got
12:34really great views
12:35of the Clifton
12:36suspension bridge
12:37and you're like
12:37well you've got
12:38faith in humanity
12:39haven't you
12:39just the idea
12:40that some
12:40I'll tell you what
12:41it's only when
12:43you're doing
12:43the nasty
12:44in a Cortina
12:45that you can
12:45truly appreciate
12:46the work
12:46of Isambar
12:47too
12:47that my friend
12:50is classmanship
12:52shall we
12:53wonderful
12:58thank you
13:00everyone
13:00shall we
13:01okay
13:05we're left
13:05with Michael
13:06and Andy
13:06let's spin
13:06the wheel
13:07again
13:07the next
13:09subject is
13:10north-south
13:10divide
13:11there goes
13:13Michael
13:13right
13:14yes
13:14now
13:15I am
13:15from the
13:16south
13:16have you noticed
13:17I have been
13:20north
13:20up the M1
13:22and I don't
13:23know what
13:23happens
13:24to the word
13:25the
13:25it seems
13:26to disappear
13:26at about
13:27junction 25
13:27on the M1
13:28and the word
13:29the just goes
13:30that's it
13:30for me I'm
13:30getting off
13:31you go
13:31on ahead
13:32are you
13:33coming with
13:33no no I
13:34don't I'm
13:34not interested
13:35up there
13:35and you get
13:37there and
13:37they don't
13:37have this
13:38oh
13:38to
13:38fridge
13:39what are you
13:41doing
13:41my first
13:43experience of
13:43this was when
13:44I went to
13:44the cinema
13:45in Leeds
13:46I saw
13:46the lion
13:47the witch
13:48and the
13:48wardrobe
13:49I had more
13:51fun asking
13:52the woman
13:52what it
13:52is I'd
13:53booked to
13:53see
13:54than watching
13:54the entire
13:55movie
13:55what is it
13:57I'm seeing
13:57here today
13:57oh
13:58to
13:58one
13:58to
13:58witch
13:59and
13:59two
13:59one
13:59are you
14:05hearing me
14:06are you
14:07taking
14:08this
14:08yes of course
14:09I thought it
14:09might be a nice
14:10idea maybe to
14:11go to HMV
14:12and get a DVD
14:13of the lion
14:14the witch
14:14and the wardrobe
14:15maybe the good
14:16the bad
14:16and the ugly
14:17and perhaps an album
14:19and just line them
14:22up on the counter
14:23what is it I've
14:24decided to
14:24purchase here
14:25and the good
14:29and the good
14:32and the good
14:33and the good
14:34thank you
14:37well done Michael
14:39okay Andy
14:43let's see what you've been
14:43left with
14:44let's spin the wheel
14:44and it's
14:47religion
14:48looks like my dad
14:54we should of course
14:57remember that there are
14:58five major world religions
15:00four of them
15:01gotta be wrong
15:03imagine that right
15:06you're on your last day
15:07you're going off to meet
15:08your maker
15:09the gods of the five
15:10major world religions
15:12lined up in front of you
15:13you've chosen your god
15:15you're happy with your god
15:16you go up to your god
15:18and your god
15:18produces a little bit
15:19of cardboard
15:20bluff
15:21that is going to hurt
15:25isn't it
15:26well done Andy Parsons
15:30at the end of that round
15:32the points go to
15:34Michael and Frankie
15:35the next round is
15:43called if this is the answer
15:44what is the question
15:45on the board of six categories
15:46Michael which category
15:47would you like
15:48I would like
15:49the category
15:50of crime
15:51please Dora
15:52okay
15:52crime it is
15:53the answer is 25 pence
15:55what is the question
15:57what is
15:59the British name
16:00for American
16:01rapper 50 cent
16:02is it
16:06is it
16:07is it
16:07how much did
16:09Ming Campbell
16:10pay for his first flat
16:11if Angelina Jolie
16:15looks a million dollars
16:17what does
16:18Amy Winehouse
16:19look like
16:20is it
16:22just
16:23just one pound
16:24will save a child's eyesight
16:25in Africa
16:26but having decided
16:28it's not really
16:29my responsibility
16:30how much did I send
16:31is it
16:34what everyone
16:35over 30
16:36thinks a Mars bar
16:37costs
16:38how much would I
16:41have to be paid
16:42up front
16:43to kill
16:43Jeremy Clarkson
16:44what fee
16:52guarantees
16:53Dean Gaffney's
16:54appearance
16:54at a party
16:54what's top prize
16:57on Romanian
16:57deal or no deal
16:59can I just
17:02take the box
17:03I can use it
17:08for shoes
17:08I'm going to steer
17:11towards the correct
17:11answer
17:12does anyone
17:12actually have any
17:13idea what was
17:13worth the 25
17:14it's something to do
17:15with money
17:15isn't it
17:15it's something to do
17:16with money
17:16if you do the real
17:19cost of something
17:19that was
17:20that's it
17:20Viagra
17:21absolutely right
17:22yes
17:22question
17:22I was looking for
17:23yes the question
17:27I was looking for
17:28is how much
17:28were a criminal gang
17:29paying for fake
17:30Viagra tablets
17:31that they later
17:31sold for up to
17:3220 pounds each
17:32several members
17:33of an international
17:34network were found
17:35guilty of making
17:36millions from
17:36producing counterfeit
17:37Viagra and
17:38anti-baldness
17:39tablets at
17:39factories in Asia
17:40how's the scam
17:41uncovered
17:42it doesn't grow
17:44your bloody hair
17:45back
17:45it was uncovered
17:49by excellent work
17:52from customs and
17:53excise apparently
17:53whereas it should
17:55have been uncovered
17:55by someone going
17:56hang on a minute
17:57I'm sure something's
17:58meant to happen
17:58I took Viagra
18:01once
18:01I took Viagra
18:03and I had a hard
18:04on for so long
18:05I had to give it
18:06its own shelf
18:07in the fridge
18:08the only thing
18:10the news 24 reaction
18:11was fantastic
18:12because it just
18:13came up
18:13news just in
18:13and they found out
18:14about the Viagra
18:15case and it was
18:16brilliant because
18:16they were doing
18:16little puns
18:17they were generally
18:18kind of going
18:18I bet that's a
18:19hard case
18:20they'll get a
18:22stiff sentence
18:22and then you can
18:23genuinely see
18:24they obviously got
18:24a word in their
18:25ear and they went
18:25yeah okay
18:26why if you set up
18:29a counterfeit
18:30Viagra ring
18:31in which you
18:31basically spam
18:32people and say
18:33you've got Viagra
18:34for you
18:34why bother making
18:36dodgy pills
18:37why bother making
18:38them at all
18:38just send them
18:39nothing
18:39they're still not
18:40going to complain
18:41they're not going to
18:42complain when the
18:43pills didn't work
18:43they're also not
18:45going to ride and go
18:45I sent away to your
18:46company for a Viagra
18:47pill and now I
18:48didn't seem to
18:48receive anything
18:49it's now apparently
18:50the biggest selling
18:50drug in the world
18:51apparently us boys
18:53we think about sex
18:54once every six
18:55seconds
18:55now that might be
18:56true some of the
18:57time mightn't it
18:57but it's not actually
18:58true when we're
18:59having sex is it
19:00we're trying to
19:01think of everything
19:01apart from sex
19:02traffic accidents
19:04mortgage repayments
19:06John Prescott
19:08that's my own
19:09particular favourite
19:10but you know when
19:12you're shagging away
19:13right and you've got
19:13this mental image
19:14of say John Prescott
19:15and you're trying
19:16desperately not to
19:17get over excited
19:18and you do get
19:19over excited
19:20oh you feel dirty
19:21don't you
19:22do you know what
19:25Andy next time
19:26I'm going to be
19:26thinking of you
19:27thinking of John
19:28Prescott
19:28you'll feel dirty
19:30it's great we've
19:33got a drug to help
19:34old people have
19:35sex isn't it
19:35I love old people
19:36who've got that
19:37little twinkle in
19:38their eye you know
19:39and you're there
19:39playing Scrabble
19:40with your grandparents
19:41and your grandpa
19:43puts down Viagra
19:44on a double word
19:45score and just
19:46goes
19:47I wonder about
19:50that old woman
19:51that gave birth
19:52at 63
19:52because that baby
19:54can't have had
19:55to force its way
19:55out
19:56every time she
19:59went for a shit
20:00it probably had
20:01to brace itself
20:02at the end of
20:08the Italian job
20:10or something
20:10which former
20:13American hero
20:14is in trouble
20:14again
20:15it's OJ Simpson
20:16he's completely
20:17mental
20:18you've got to
20:20love OJ man
20:21because he held
20:22some people up
20:23allegedly at gunpoint
20:25to get back
20:25some of his
20:26memorabilia
20:26and his memorabilia
20:28is worth a lot
20:29because it appeals
20:29not only to sports
20:30fans but also to
20:31crime fans
20:32there is actually
20:33it panned across
20:34some of his
20:35memorabilia
20:35there's like
20:36there's American
20:36footballs that are
20:37signed
20:37and there are
20:38juries that are
20:38signed
20:38and there's
20:39photographs of
20:40him in court
20:41at his own
20:42murder trial
20:43that he's signed
20:45in order to be
20:46sold
20:46for memorabilia
20:48purposes
20:48what did he
20:49worry about that
20:49keep smiling
20:50OJ Simpson
20:51picture of him
20:53in the glove
20:53it's a pity
20:53it's a pity
20:54they've done away
20:55with Celebrity
20:55Big Brother
20:56isn't it
20:56because he'd have
20:57been brilliant
20:57on that
20:58day 63
20:59OJ's painting
21:01a version of
21:01the Guernica
21:02using the
21:03intestines
21:04of Charlie
21:04from Guskey
21:05a book
21:07it was like
21:08a year ago
21:09entitled
21:09If I Did It
21:10which is basically
21:11if I did kill her
21:12this is how I
21:13would have done it
21:13gee who's his PR
21:15Charles Manson
21:16the book has been
21:17released but not
21:18by him
21:19the rights
21:20no the rights
21:21to the book
21:21if I did it
21:22how I would
21:23have killed
21:24Ron Goldman
21:24and my former
21:25wife
21:25was won in a
21:27bankruptcy case
21:27by the Goldman
21:28family
21:29who then released
21:30it with a cover
21:31of a big picture
21:32of him
21:33and the words
21:33I did it
21:34with the word
21:35if
21:36in minuscule
21:37and they've
21:39sold 150,000
21:40copies in the
21:41first two days
21:42of religion
21:42he was in
21:43the hotel
21:44for a wedding
21:44who invites
21:45OJ Simpson
21:46to the wedding
21:47he killed
21:48his fucking
21:49wife
21:49maybe he just
21:51jumped out
21:52of the cake
21:52the police
21:57said
21:57it was an
21:59armed robbery
21:59he said
22:00he was just
22:01with some
22:01golfing buddies
22:02you don't play
22:04golf
22:04using guns
22:05do you
22:06do you want to
22:07put this one
22:07into the hole
22:08no I'll shoot
22:09it in
22:09that would be
22:10I'll take it
22:10fine
22:10you can shoot
22:11a hole
22:12I'm a long
22:13way from the hole
22:13maybe that hole
22:14I'll get into this
22:17one relatively easily
22:18they describe the
22:19robbery as a
22:20commando style
22:21operation
22:21well a thrill seeker
22:23guns and no pants
22:24ok at the end of the
22:27round the points go to
22:28Russell Ben and Andy
22:29our next round is called
22:36Newsreel
22:36we play in a recent
22:37piece of footage
22:38featuring people in the
22:38news and ask Hugh to
22:39suggest what might be
22:40being said
22:41this week's clip
22:42features David Cameron
22:43and William Hague
22:44good morning I'm David
22:46Cameron aka Mr. Popular
22:47winner of the 2007
22:49Tony Blair Soundalike
22:51competition
22:51not to worry we have
22:52lots of policies
22:53William
22:55thank you very much
22:56and the first policy I
22:58would like to introduce
22:59is that all bald men
23:00should cast two
23:01separate shadows
23:02those weren't the
23:06policies I was after
23:07really I was thinking
23:07more about the policy
23:08of beating children
23:09within an inch of their
23:10lives and locking
23:11immigrants in Harry
23:12Potter's fictional
23:12Prisoner of Azkaban
23:13could you
23:14no I can
23:15because what is a
23:16policy on immigration
23:17compared with a shadow
23:18that can do that
23:20when you move across
23:23the roof
23:23I'm good with shadows
23:24I can use my hand
23:25at the moment I am
23:26doing a flapping bird
23:27bollocks
23:28I will now continue
23:31with a series of
23:32impressions
23:33see if you can guess
23:34who this one is
23:36now then
23:37now then
23:38the band was
23:40just around the corner
23:41if you mind
23:42ladies and gentlemen
23:42sure what that
23:43what that
23:44nobody wants you
23:46to do impressions
23:46William people
23:47don't want you to be
23:48Jimmy Savile
23:48people don't want you
23:49to be the Terminator
23:50we want policies
23:50the Terminator
23:52ah
23:52interesting
23:53I am the Terminator
23:55sent from the future
23:58to screw up your
23:59electoral chances
24:00well done here
24:06now we come to our
24:11final quickfire round
24:12called Scenes
24:13we'd like to see
24:13this is for everyone
24:14so if you can make
24:15your way over to the
24:15performance area please
24:16I call Ideas for Scenarios
24:18who have seen the
24:18performers come in
24:19with their suggestions
24:20ok here we go
24:22the first subject is
24:23unlikely things
24:24for a royal correspondent
24:25to say
24:26isn't it wonderful
24:27to see Prince Charles
24:28being made king
24:29at the age of 137
24:31and the Queen there
24:38majestically taking her
24:40place in the queue
24:42to withdraw her savings
24:43from Northern Ireland
24:44the Queen asked me
24:52if I was from the BBC
24:53I said I was
24:54and she told me
24:55to piss off
24:56and here we see
24:59Prince Philip
25:00going over to talk
25:01to a man from China
25:03this should be
25:04interesting
25:05in fact it's
25:10the Chinese Premier
25:11and he's just
25:12asked him for a menu
25:13Prince Harry
25:17hasn't been put off
25:18by the congestion charge
25:20he says he still
25:21manages to come
25:22into Chelsea
25:22twice a day
25:23well the crowd
25:29are absolutely
25:30loving this event
25:31the night sky
25:32is dancing
25:33with light
25:34yes
25:34the Queen
25:35set fire
25:35to Windsor Castle
25:36again
25:37it's great
25:40to see the whole
25:41family waving
25:42from the balcony
25:43through the sights
25:44of my AK-47
25:45and as Prince Philip
25:52cuts the tape
25:53to open this
25:54mental institution
25:55the doctors
25:56have got him
25:56the next topic is
26:04what a rugby commentator
26:06would never say
26:07oh and he's skipped
26:09through the defence
26:10and that's lucky
26:11because if these
26:12South Sea Islanders
26:12catch you
26:13they eat you
26:14it's time for the
26:18scrum where the
26:18players can have a
26:19quick kiss and
26:20exchange phone numbers
26:21and it's the
26:24coin toss
26:25and Johnny Wilkinson
26:27has sprained his
26:28thumb
26:28and that is a
26:33massive tackle
26:34I wish mine was
26:35like that
26:36not everyone's been
26:39able to get tickets
26:41for this World Cup
26:41final and we know
26:42a lot of you are
26:43watching at home
26:44so hello to you
26:45the England team
26:46oh and it's bad news
26:51for New Zealand
26:52rugby doesn't matter
26:54keep an eye on this
27:01ball as it hits the
27:02ground
27:02because it's such
27:03an unusual shape
27:04it could go anywhere
27:05silly bang
27:11silly bang
27:12cure
27:12cure
27:13all pretence
27:23has been abandoned
27:24as both teams
27:25take to the field
27:26naked
27:27covered in lubricant
27:28to the sound of
27:29pounding techno
27:30thick muscular necks
27:35broken noses
27:35and powerful thighs
27:37the rugby wives
27:38are minging
27:38this young man
27:44has a brilliant
27:45playing career
27:45ahead of him
27:46followed by a
27:47bleak career
27:48as an after dinner
27:48speaker
27:49before his suicide
27:50at 40
27:51well he is in many
27:55ways the perfect
27:55fly half
27:56legs of a human
27:57torso of a blue
27:59bottle
27:59the South Africans
28:05there passing to
28:06their one black
28:06player Johnny Token
28:07so it's England
28:14versus Samoa
28:15a team of rank
28:16amateurs
28:17against Samoa
28:19that's it ladies and
28:22gentlemen
28:22the points go to
28:23Russell
28:24Ben and Andy
28:24that's the end of the
28:32show
28:32this week's winners
28:33are Andy Parsons
28:34Ben Narton
28:35Russell Howard
28:35commiserations of
28:42Frankie Boyd
28:42Hugh Dennis and
28:43Michael McIntyre
28:44thank you for
28:49watching
28:49we'll see you next
28:51week for the last
28:51of the series with a
28:52special show
28:53till then I'm
28:53Jara Breen
28:54good night
28:54call a character witness
29:00who can't stand you
29:01Tommy Saxondale's idea
29:03of defending himself in
29:04court next tonight
29:05and then another round of
29:06big talk gets it sorted
29:07more comedy to come here on
29:09BBC two with that
29:10Mitchell and Webb look
29:11a 10
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