Mock the Week - Season 5 Episode 14
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#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
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00:00I've got two new two-grain bars, two, bizarrely, two minstrels, one dodgy collar, thank you very, very much, and two bananas, yeah, I see your two bananas and I raise you a mango.
00:20What a tropical taste. You've just been giving the minstrels and the neutral grain, haven't you?
00:24I've got three minstrels, so fuck you.
00:26I'll do these out. I really genuinely think that the reason you've got two of everything is that half of them are mine.
00:37I know I'm not a regular one.
00:39This is like when you give, you know, the stupid uncle, like I had a sister, and the bad uncles were the ones who arrived at with different sweets.
00:46You know, as it was uncles who would just have two packets of whatever, and then you get, well, that's just fight.
00:51But, you know, do you have a specific favourite?
00:53I'll take whatever you don't want.
00:54To be honest, now, we're like kids at school arguing over our lunches.
00:58What have you got? I've got a poster and pack bag.
01:00I don't know what I want until I know what you want.
01:03I would go for the strawberry, if you give them the...
01:08Here's the apple.
01:09There's people in the audience going, I don't remember this being the first round last week.
01:15There's a sheltered upbringing if your idea of a bad uncle is someone who brings you a Nutri-Grain bar.
01:22No, no, no.
01:23There's someone who runs into the house at 12 at night shouting,
01:26Hey, may I have killed a kid?
01:28LAUGHTER
01:33Read about the things that happen throughout the world
01:38Don't believe that everything you see or hear
01:44Read all about it, read all about it
01:49Listen to the world, listen to the world
01:52Read all about it, read all about it
01:58Listen to the world, listen to the world
02:04Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Dara Breen.
02:07Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ben Narson, Russell Howard, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Michael McIntyre.
02:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:21OK, we start with headliners, here's a picture of Lib Dem leader Sir Mingus Campbell at his party conference in Brighton.
02:28But what does PMOC stand for?
02:32Is it the Lib Dem leadership options? You've got Pissed Man or Corpse.
02:36LAUGHTER
02:38Is it Pull My Old Cock?
02:40LAUGHTER
02:41It should be Cox, he's got two.
02:45Surely, surely that would be in quotation marks in the newspaper.
02:48That's what he's doing.
02:50Erm, is it...
02:52Please, Memory Old...
02:55Can't...
03:01It's horrendous, doesn't it? It looks terrifying.
03:03Didn't I kill him on level three of Resident Evil?
03:07LAUGHTER
03:08Is it Please Make Orville Co-operate?
03:11LAUGHTER
03:13Is it Peter Mandelson's Oldest Conquest?
03:17LAUGHTER
03:19Is it...
03:21He's actually 11 in the moment.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:26Is it, er...
03:27Is it Pssst, Ming's on crack?
03:29LAUGHTER
03:30LAUGHTER
03:31I know this one, actually. It was actually...
03:33LAUGHTER
03:35I think you saw this in a paper.
03:36Yeah, I saw it.
03:38It was actually his childhood nickname.
03:41He was known as the Piss Man of Calcutta.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:46Is it Penis Mouldy Old Cobweb?
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Because he's seen...
03:52No.
03:53Prostate Misery Old Chap?
03:54No.
03:56P doesn't stand for Prostate, Penis or Poo, which none of you mentioned so far.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02OK, the C stands for Campbell.
04:03Problems Mount on Campbell.
04:04Pressure Mounts on Campbell!
04:05Pressure Mounts on Campbell!
04:06Yeah!
04:08APPLAUSE
04:09The answer I was looking for was Pressure Mounts on Campbell.
04:14This is a subplot to this week's conference.
04:16Sir Mingus set out his policies on environment, taxation and economy.
04:19Questions continue to be asked about his leadership and poor performance in the polls.
04:24What problems has he faced at the conference?
04:26He's an old bastard, Dara.
04:29He was the guy who founded the Ming dynasty.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34It does come down to that, doesn't it, basically?
04:35I mean, you know, he can say whatever he wants, but you just find yourself going,
04:38yeah, he's old, don't he?
04:40I had somebody in a pub the other day who was horrific going,
04:42yeah, he's got some good policies, but I bet he'd done how to use an iPod.
04:47As if that matters in any way.
04:49Kind of going, what are you going to do about immigration?
04:51Shuffle.
04:53It's not even so much that he's just old.
04:55He's so sort of lifeless and lacks energy.
04:58There's more life left than Robin Cook.
05:02He's got one white blood cell left and it's fighting the Alamo.
05:06No wonder Flash Gordon won every week.
05:12He is the same age as Paul McCartney.
05:15And who would you rather have running the country?
05:17Well, yeah, probably him, actually, to be honest.
05:21Surely if anyone's praying for an early election,
05:24I mean, he must be praying for an early election.
05:26It's number two on the list in his prayers after painless death.
05:32Early election.
05:33Who prays for a painless death every night?
05:35Surely.
05:36Surely every morning and every night.
05:39He says he wants a greener vision of Britain.
05:42Yeah.
05:43And he's going to have a greener vision of Britain, isn't he?
05:45Because soon he's going to be looking up at it through about six inches of grass.
05:51Surely they'd bury him deeper than that.
05:55Six inches of grass!
05:57What kind of cheapskate funeral home was he going to?
06:00He's only 66.
06:02I know.
06:03That's all he is.
06:04He is.
06:05He said he wants to hammer the rich people.
06:06Yeah.
06:07He said he wants to hammer the top 10% of earners.
06:10And people going, well, you know,
06:11you'll never get people to vote for increases in tax.
06:14Well, I think if it's just increases in tax on the top 10%,
06:18then people will probably be going, maybe we will vote for that.
06:21The rest of the 90% of us going, Sodom!
06:25You know, how you feel about that as host of a top television show, I don't know.
06:29Sodom!
06:30They're not getting in, are they? They're not getting in.
06:33See, that's the interesting thing,
06:34because he can say he's going to hammer the rich,
06:36but ultimately the rich own the media.
06:38So that's why there's photos of him near toilets looking really old.
06:41So there's no chance of winning.
06:42That photo near a toilet, by the way,
06:43will probably be the most famous shot I think.
06:44Yeah, there you go.
06:45This is the shot.
06:46You're going to see everywhere with regard to the liberal.
06:47Him just pointing at a toilet.
06:50Pointing at a toilet and combined exercise machine,
06:53where you can clearly sit down and isolate your pecs.
06:57Are you a couple of reps?
07:00Just as I'm on the push-out.
07:02Inhales, what is it?
07:04The Lou Abdominiser!
07:06Yeah, yeah.
07:07One of these once and managed to shit a kidney.
07:11Is that my new toilet?
07:12Or am I, is that the angle?
07:14I presume he's trying to, rather than that,
07:16it's like he's enormously tall and he's never actually been taller.
07:18I think he's saying.
07:19Have you ever been to the, have you ever been to the Lou's in Hamleys?
07:22Yes.
07:23Just this morning.
07:24Why?
07:25That's the weirdest thing ever.
07:26It is so, the Lou's in Hamleys are,
07:28make the, the urinals are for children.
07:31And they are about this far off the floor,
07:33and they're about that big.
07:35It's a real, it's a test of accuracy.
07:39And faith, isn't it?
07:40Stay out of the Lou's in Hamleys then, kitty fiddlers.
07:43It's a test.
07:44They're for kids.
07:45They're for kids.
07:52A new question from Mingus,
07:53if you ever put me in one of those ham slicing machines,
07:55you'd find the top half liberal,
07:57and the bottom half liberal democrat.
08:00What an incredible thing to say.
08:02Well, A, who goes into a ham slicing machine for a start?
08:06Surely you mean one of those machines that cuts you in half,
08:08not one that slowly grinds you down
08:10to a series of really tiny slices.
08:13He'd still be alive after this.
08:15I mean, it, it shows you, he has a zombie.
08:17That would be amazing conference.
08:19No wonder if you couldn't kill him on that part of Resident Evil.
08:21That would be great.
08:22If they announced it at the conference,
08:23and they said,
08:24please welcome our leader,
08:25and everyone's expecting a very boring speech once more,
08:28Minzees Campbell, every school,
08:29and his legs come out two minutes before his body.
08:32Liberal Democrat.
08:36Come on!
08:37Hang on the cheeky girls!
08:38Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
08:41He's got a, he's got a 4% approval rating,
08:44Minze Campbell, which is nothing.
08:45Right, so they could just have anybody lead them,
08:48it's not going to make any difference.
08:49So I say, come on, let's get Lee from Blue.
08:54He's not going to be any worse.
08:55He's looking for a gig?
08:56Yeah.
08:57He's glad to be.
08:58And also his policies aren't going to come into force,
08:59and say whatever he wants.
09:00I think that the homosexuals should declare war on the robots.
09:04It doesn't matter, Lee from Blue, better laugh.
09:08And also his name is very odd.
09:10His name is Mingus.
09:11Mingus, yes.
09:12Yeah, but it's pronounced, it's spelled M-E-N-Z-I-E-S.
09:17Yes.
09:18Well, why are you looking at me like I'm insane?
09:20He's got a name.
09:21He's got a name.
09:22That's Menzies.
09:23Menzies.
09:24Yeah.
09:25John Menzies.
09:26He's got a parody.
09:27Menzies.
09:28Apparently.
09:29They don't go, let's go to John Mingus.
09:31They don't do it.
09:32But what's he do?
09:33Martina Hingis, Martina Hengis.
09:35Why are you still looking at me like I'm not making sense?
09:38It's a G, not a Z.
09:40It's a Z, not a G.
09:41It's a Z, not a G.
09:42Because I'm waiting to turn on me and my crazy ethnic name.
09:45It's Men Zed.
09:46It's not G.
09:47They when they were growing this fundamentally something wrong with this man. He can't speak
09:50He doesn't understand his own name when he was growing up. Hello Ming. Shall we go to the ghoul and see the gebra?
09:58Gulu dawn and maybe get digging a burger
10:02In fact you should pronounce it John Mingus apparently it's to do with a defunct Scottish letter zonk
10:09Yeah, you can make that sort of crap
10:11It shows you shows you how boring the liberal Democrats are more interesting to talk about the defunct letter zonk
10:22How does a letter become defunct I mean yeah, we didn't need it. Yeah, we've had enough of zonk
10:30All right
10:31What's going on here?
10:34Big conga they're in a massive
10:36Q outside northern rock somewhere where there's a northern rock
10:41Old people because they're the only ones with savings, and they've got more money than anybody knew how much money have these badly dressed old people?
10:49Who send you one pound for your birthday? It's unbelievable
10:53I get a little cup. I get a check for ten pounds from my grandmother and look at these people. It's unbelievable
10:59I've got one point two million pounds in there. Buy yourself a new fleece
11:03Look at the stage of you
11:07It's unbelievable
11:10They say I'm worried I'm gonna lose everything
11:12You should be more worried about announcing on national television that you've got one million pounds in your tartan trolley bag
11:17Can you spare me any change? No, only got cash one point two million?
11:25And the thing is they're now wandering about northern town centers with all this cash
11:29So everything else is falling, but the values of Greggs must be going through the roof
11:36Commodities brokers this week are going zinc's down tins down yum-yums three pounds each
11:40I'm also convinced when I saw these pictures. I'm sure that half of them are just there for fun
11:46So why are you cooing? I have no idea of it. It's great isn't it?
11:52Looks like fun. Let's have a bit of that. Oh, and what now the bank of backing our money will be able to queue to put it back in again
12:00This is this is how you as a nation panic if you line up in an orderly fashion wait for a
12:11It's impressive
12:13You see footage of like a latin-american bank collapse and there's people like picking up bins and throwing them to a window
12:20In Argentina the last time the bank was none of that up in northern towns all like yes
12:26Well, you know we've been here all morning. It's very pleasant actually
12:30Can we move on can I just say this picture is far sadder than any of us have realized because this woman at the back in the red dress is
12:36paying eight pounds in
12:40My favorite story was apparently
12:43Newcastle United are sponsored by northern rock. I'm looking forward to the chance come Saturday, you know you only sing when you're queuing
12:54Where's your money gone?
12:56Where's your money gone?
12:58You're going down with the alliance in Leicester
13:08I didn't even know that banks borrowed money. This has come as quite a shock
13:10I you go to your bank you borrow money you expect that institution to be giving you money
13:14It comes as quite a shock to me that people are in there going can I borrow five thousand pounds and then they're going just bear with me
13:21You know when they always get up when they go away. They're on the phone in the back going is that ocean finance?
13:25You know
13:27I'd like to borrow
13:295,000 pounds
13:31Yes, I am a homeowner
13:33I'm a homeowner
13:37And the points go to Frankie, Hugh and Michael
13:45Now we play a round called northern mock
13:47This game
13:51Involves Michael, Andy, Frankie and Russell so if you could make your way to the performance area, please
13:55This is where we test our performance stand-up skills
13:57We spin the news generator, it settles on our topic
13:59And anyone can volunteer jokes
14:01The winner is the team I judge who produce the funniest stuff
14:05Okay, here we go
14:07Let's spin the wheel
14:09The first subject is health
14:11Going to volunteer Frankie
14:13Part of the side effect of the smoking ban in Scotland is that every pub, no matter how terrible or horrible, now has tables and chairs outside it
14:27Basically Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war
14:33People say there's no such way as a good way to die
14:37Most people have never heard the phrase drug-fuelled sex heart attack
14:45There's a great case in Scotland at the minute
14:47A guy had a sex change and he had everything chopped off
14:49And then he decided that he wanted to change back
14:51And he wouldn't let him
14:53So he went to the European court
14:55And they said okay, you can change back
14:57Now he's changed his mind again
14:59Wants to stay as he is
15:01Typical woman
15:03Happy mile
15:09Okay, let's spin the wheel again
15:13Subject is the West Country
15:15Who
15:17Russell
15:18How can you not love the West Country?
15:19I've genuinely seen graffiti in Bristol during the last Tory campaign
15:22Do you remember?
15:23Are you thinking what we're thinking?
15:24Somebody had written underneath it
15:26Is it do I like wotsits?
15:28It's phenomenal
15:30It's wonderful isn't it?
15:34I used to live there
15:35I've moved away from Bristol
15:36Because I was near a dogging site
15:37Which is just about odd
15:38Right?
15:39I wasn't into it
15:40I was just near a dogging site
15:41And I was talking to my friend
15:43I was like Jane
15:44Why do they do dogging near the house?
15:45Right?
15:46And she looked and went
15:47Apparently you've got really great views of the Clifton Suspension Bridge
15:50And you're like
15:51Well you've got faith in humanity haven't you?
15:53Just the idea that some
15:54I tell you what
15:55It's only when you're doing the nasty in a Cortina
15:58That you can truly appreciate the work of his embarking
16:00The room
16:01That my friend
16:03Is craftsmanship
16:05Shall we?
16:06Na na na na na na na na na na na na
16:09Wonderful
16:11Thank you very much
16:13Thank you very much
16:15Thank you very much
16:16OK
16:18We're left with Michael and Andy
16:19Let's spin the wheel again
16:20The next subject is North-South Divide
16:24There goes Michael
16:26Right
16:27Yes
16:28Now I am from the South
16:29Have you noticed?
16:32I have been North up the M1
16:35And I don't know what happens to the word the
16:38It seems to disappear at about Junction 25 on the M1
16:41And the word the just goes
16:43That's it for me I'm getting off
16:44You go on ahead
16:45Are you coming with?
16:46No no I don't
16:47I'm not interested up there
16:48And then you get there and they don't have this
16:50Oh
16:51Oh
16:52Oh
16:53Oh
16:54What are you doing?
16:55My first experience of this was when I went to the cinema
16:58In Leeds
16:59I saw The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
17:02I had more fun asking the woman what it is I had booked to see
17:07Than watching the entire movie itself
17:09So what is it I'm seeing here today?
17:11Oh
17:13Are you hearing this?
17:14Are you taking this?
17:15Yes of course I am
17:16I thought it might be a nice idea maybe to go to HMV
17:18And get a DVD of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
17:20Maybe The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
17:21And perhaps an album by The The
17:22And just line them up on the counter
17:23What is it I've decided to purchase here?
17:24Chut one, chut witch and chut wardrobe
17:25Chut good, chut bad and chut ugly
17:27And chut, chut.
17:28Chut.
17:29Chut.
17:30Chut.
17:31Chut.
17:32Chut.
17:33Chut.
17:34Chut.
17:35Chut.
17:36Chut.
17:37Chut.
17:38Chut.
17:39Chut.
17:40Chut.
17:41Chut.
17:42Chut.
17:43Chut.
17:44Chut.
17:45Chut.
17:46Chut.
17:47Chut.
17:48Chut.
17:49Chut.
17:51Well done Michael
17:52Chut.
17:53Chut.
17:54Yeah, thank you man
17:55OK Andy let's see what you've been left with
17:57let's spin the wheel
18:00And it's religion
18:02Looks like my dad
18:08Apparently
18:12Six.
18:13Point.
18:14Now I'll fuck that up so it's bad start already
18:16you're putting your son off because statistical is good to start with it
18:23right here we go time to have a minstrel break for us then
18:36good luck me here we go apparently 67.5 point no he's fucked it up again
18:43right Andy it'll help you I finished my minstrels now waiting for you I'm eating yours now
18:54now I don't know if you know but apparently 67.5 percent of people in Britain believe in God
19:04but only 7.5 percent of us attend organized religion yeah that's the British way isn't it
19:11we believe but we can't be asked to do anything about it it's the Sabbath I know but there's a
19:19car boot sale in the pub car park we should of course remember that there are five major world
19:27religions four of them gotta be wrong imagine that right you're on your last day you're going
19:35off to meet your maker the gods of the five major world religions lined up in front of you you've
19:41chosen your God you're happy with your God you go up to your God and your God produce a little bit
19:47a cardboard bluff that is going to hurt isn't it
19:54well done Andy Farson at the end of that round the points go to Michael and Frankie
20:02the next round is called if this is the answer what is the question on the board of six categories
20:14Michael which category would you like I would like the category of crime please don't okay
20:19crime it is the answer is 25 pence what is the question what is the British name for American rapper 50
20:29cent is it um is it how much did Ming Campbell pay for his first flat is it how much have I been
20:42offered for the rights to my film script Santa the paedophile if Angelina Jolie looks a million
20:52dollars what does Amy Winehouse look like is it just just one pound will save a child's eyesight in
21:01Africa but having decided it's not really my responsibility how much did I send is it what
21:10everyone over 30 thinks a Mars bar costs how much would I have to be paid up front to kill Jeremy Clarkson
21:19what fee guarantees Dean Gaffney's appearance at a party what would it cost to have sex with Miss
21:33Columbia 1978 through an enlarged knothole in an outside lavatory door in Bogota is it how much for a
21:44shag Dora how much can you get a Rolex watch for in Bangkok what's top prize on Romanian deal or no deal
21:56can I just take the box
22:01I'm going to steer towards the correct answer does any actually have any idea what was worth 25
22:12something to do with money isn't it it's something to do with money it's to do with the real cost of
22:17something that was a Viagra absolutely right yes question I was looking for yes the question I was
22:25looking for is how much were a criminal gang paying for fake Viagra tablets that they later sold for up to
22:3020 pounds each several members of an international network were found guilty of making millions from
22:34producing counterfeit Viagra and anti baldness tablets at factories in Asia how's the scam uncovered
22:40yeah it doesn't grow your bloody hair back
22:43it was uncovered by excellent work from customs and excise apparently whereas it should have been
22:53uncovered by someone going hang on a minute I'm sure something's meant to happen
22:56the thing that worries me about Viagra is what if you took it and you were still really bad at sex
23:04how rubbish would you feel kind of here we go I'll be incredible and then pop and you're still
23:08average but you know it doesn't make you better at sex though does it it just means you've got a big
23:12stiffy you still might not have a fucking clue what to do with it
23:15just say that on the side of the packet you may have a big with a picture of your face
23:20you may have a bit of stiffy but you may not know what to do with it
23:25doesn't go well just move down to the next car
23:29there's a thing when you tap someone about the face I say someone probably a girlfriend but that's
23:36called smurfing did you know that happened yeah I don't think about the noise you can line it up
23:43like the frog chorus dum dum dum dum is this my minute I messed that episode of the smurfs
23:48well why would you want to smurf I don't I'm just saying I learned about this thanks to the bloody
23:58internet so you're tapping on the face oh it was the internet's fault I'm not doing anything I've
24:02just read about it is tapping your girlfriend on the face with your penis yes what to wake her up
24:07no just let's be honest let's be honest no come on it's almost 10 you say tapping Russell you mean
24:20slapping and also can I just say if she's gone blue you're too late I took Viagra once I took Viagra and I had a hard on for so long I had to give it its own shelf in the fridge
24:35don't bother with Viagra I don't bother with Viagra anymore I what I do is I sprinkle powdered rhino horn
24:42on a tiger's gallbladder but often by the time I've heated it up in the microwave the woman's managed to wriggle free
24:49see the news 24 reaction is fantastic it just came out news just in and they found out about the Viagra
24:56and it was brilliant because they were doing little puns they were generally kind of I bet that's a hard
25:01case they'll get a stiff sentence and then you can genuinely see they obviously got a word in their ear
25:06and they went yeah okay if you say I have a counterfeit Viagra ring on which you basically spam people and say
25:14I've got Viagra for you why bother making like dodgy pills why bother making them at all just send them
25:20nothing they're still not going to complain like if they're not going to complain when the pills didn't
25:25work they're also not going to write and go I sent away to your company Viagra pills and now I didn't
25:30need to receive any now apparently the biggest selling drug in the world apparently us boys we think
25:35about sex once every six seconds now that might be true some of the time on it but it's not actually true
25:40when we're having sex is it we're trying to think of everything apart from sex traffic accidents
25:46mortgage repayments John Prescott that's my own particular favorite but you know when you're
25:53shagging away right and you've got this mental image of say John Prescott and you're trying desperately
25:58not to get over excited and you do get over excited oh you feel dirty don't you
26:03do you know what Andy next time I'm going to be thinking of you thinking of John Prescott you'll
26:11feel dirty I've never understood it's that whole kind of that whole kind of oohs your daddy thing has
26:17anyone ever done that Jimmy's ever oohs your daddy my daddy you've met him at a barbecue what are you doing
26:22I also think that when people comedians do mimes and sex all the time and they always do this this
26:28this motion like that like like you're shagging a typewriter and like you know but there isn't
26:35going to be some point where you stop at the side of the woman like twack it's like boy yeah
26:40or you're having sex in the kind of zero gravity no resistance there slide in oh sorry
26:46and just pushed her across the ice rink wherever you're having sex
26:50okay that's the personal thing that always works for me yeah the ice rink or wherever you're having
26:57sex yeah in the kind of way that you go wham oh shit and that she just slides away
27:01glamorous lifestyle you're leaving I always have sex in ice rinks
27:05I hope you cook out the ice rinks yeah sometimes you book the whole ice rink or do you just go on a
27:10Sunday when there's kids about it Viagra saved marriages though hasn't it because people are now still able to
27:18shag their wives long after they become physically repulsive
27:23it's great it's great we've got a drug to help old people have sex isn't it
27:27I love old people who've got that little twinkle in their eye you know and you're there playing
27:32Scrabble with your grandparents and your grandpa puts down Viagra on a double word score and just goes
27:41and then you leave the barbecue because that's the creepiest thing you've ever seen
27:44I hate what were you like what you're playing scrabble over a barbecue for you
27:48you've mixed your places yeah the piece of a brush into flames
27:53what's the point you know when you're when you're six you don't have sex just have meals together
27:56don't have sex it's creepy the royal college so didn't that skin shaking about like two giddy
28:01scrotums it's hidden
28:02I'm sorry we're going to keep that on the tape and we're going to ask you during mock the week
28:07series 94 and 24 7 yeah with a really old guy like that when the ejaculation finally happens oh
28:16god no stop just fucking porridge everywhere
28:25the thing i went to
28:26Chernobyl you know granddad is all over this crabble what would it be would it be like
28:31would it be like those you know what do you call the draft of those
28:34a dandelion
28:34i think i want it'd be like a dandelion
28:37like that make a wish
28:39i wonder about that old woman that gave birth at 63 yeah because that baby can't have had to force
28:47its way out
28:50every time she went for a shit it probably had to brace itself
28:59feel like the end of the italian job or something
29:02you don't want your mum to be 63 years old you you don't want to be a little kid there
29:09learning how to walk and find out your mum's in exactly the same state
29:15i think that's almost certainly the end of our sponsorship deal with help the aged
29:20well the money's been shipped with the sex has been fantastic
29:26which former american hero is in trouble again
29:28it's oj simpson he's completely mental
29:32you gotta love oj man because he uh he held some people up allegedly at gunpoint to get back
29:38some of his memorabilia and his memorabilia is worth a lot because it appeals not only to sports
29:44fans but also to crime fans there is actually in it panned across some of his memorabilia and
29:48there's like there's american footballs that are signed and there are like jerry's there
29:51signed and there's a photograph of him in court at his own murder trial that he's signed in order to
29:59be sold for memorabilia purposes keep smiling oj simpson and a picture of him in the glove
30:07it's a pity they've done away with celebrity big brother isn't it because he'd have been brilliant on
30:10that day 63 oj is painting a version of the guernica using the intestines of charlie from busting
30:20a book like a year ago entitled if i did it yeah which is basically if i did kill her this is how
30:26i would have done it gee who's his pr charles manson the book has been released but not by him
30:32but the rights no the rights to the book if i did it how i would have killed ron goldman and my former
30:38wife was won in a bankruptcy case by the goldman family oh really who then released it with the
30:44cover of a big picture of him and the words i did it with the word if a minuscule letter and they saw
30:52150 000 copies in the first two days of release maybe that's why he was in the hotel for a wedding
30:58who invites oj simpson to the wedding he killed his wife maybe he just jumped out of the cake
31:09the police said it was an armed robbery he said he was just with some golfing buddies you know you
31:17don't play golf using guns do you you know oh do you want to put this one into the hole no i'll shoot
31:22it in you can shoot a hole i'm a long way from the hole maybe that hole
31:28i'll get this one relatively easily they described the robbery as a commando style
31:34operation you're like what drill seeker guns and no pants
31:40okay and the point's got russell ben and andy
31:48now we come to our final quickfire round called scenes we'd like to see this is for everyone so if you
31:52can make your way over to the performance area please i caught ideas for scenarios who have seen the
31:56performers come in with their suggestions okay here we go the first subject is what a rugby
32:02commentator would never say oh and he skipped through the defense and that's lucky because
32:08if these south sea islanders catch you they eat you it's time for the scrum where the players can have a
32:15quick kiss and exchange phone numbers and it's the coin toss and johnny wilkinson has sprained his thumb
32:28and that is a massive tackle i wish mine was like that
32:35not everyone's been able to get tickets for this world cup final and we know
32:39a lot of you are watching at home so hello to you the england team
32:46oh and it's bad news for new zealand rugby doesn't matter
32:57and keep an eye on this ball as it hits the ground because it's such an unusual shape it could go
33:01anywhere
33:04rugby was invented at a famous english public school which was of course called st bummington's academy
33:11for young
33:15and the french have the ball and they are gonna twist it and grind it until wilkinson gives them the leather one
33:21it's
33:26silly bang silly bang
33:29your cure
33:39all pretense has been abandoned as both teams take to the field naked covered in lubricant to the sound of
33:46pounding techno
33:50thick muscular necks broken noses and powerful thighs the rugby wives are minging
34:00this young man has a brilliant playing career ahead of him
34:03followed by a bleak career as an after-dinner speaker before his suicide at 40.
34:08well he is in many ways the perfect fly half legs of a human torso of a blue bottle
34:21the south africans there passing to their one black player johnny token
34:30so it's england versus samoa a team of rank amateurs against samoa
34:35okay the next topic is unlikely things for a royal correspondent to say
34:44there's the queen with the crown jewels on her head as prince philip performs a 69
34:55and the queen there majestically taking her place in the queue to withdraw her savings from northern
35:01this man's a good friend of prince edwards a euphemism for homosexual
35:13the queen asked me if i was from the bbc i said i was and she told me to piss off
35:21here we see prince philip going over to talk to a man from china this should be interesting
35:27in fact it's the chinese premier and he's just asked him for a menu
35:38prince harry hasn't been put off by the congestion charge he says he still manages to come into chelsea
35:44twice a day
35:50well the crowd are absolutely loving this event the night sky is dancing with light yes the queen set
35:57fire to wins the castle again
36:02it's great to see the whole family waving from the balcony through the sights of my ak-47
36:07and as prince philip cuts the tape to open this mental institution the doctors have got him
36:23i've got to keep my voice down because i'm standing in the echoing hallways of camilla's vagina
36:29that's it ladies and gentlemen the points go to russell ben and andy
36:42that's the end of the show this week's winners are andy parsons ben narson russell howard
36:46commiserations of frankie moore hugh dennis and michael mcintyre
36:59thank you for watching we'll see you next week for the lasting series with a special show till then
37:04i'm jara breen good night
37:18thank you
37:29thank you
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