- 2 days ago
2025 Christmas Special
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TravelTranscript
00:02:38You have to tell him.
00:02:40You do.
00:02:44This is the year.
00:03:44Chris.
00:03:46You're at an age now where, as a parent, it's my job to tell you certain facts that you might
00:03:54not want to hear.
00:03:56Dad, relax.
00:03:58We've done this all in school.
00:04:00You have?
00:04:01Yeah.
00:04:02That was clear.
00:04:03Oh.
00:04:04Oh.
00:04:05Oh.
00:04:06Oh.
00:04:07Oh.
00:04:08Oh.
00:04:09That is a weight off.
00:04:10I can't tell you.
00:04:12Oh, your face.
00:04:14I don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.
00:04:17What?
00:04:18Oh, God.
00:04:19You want to teach me to put on a contraception?
00:04:22God, no, Chris.
00:04:23No.
00:04:24That's...
00:04:25That's not what this is about.
00:04:27It's about Father Christmas.
00:04:29What do you mean?
00:04:32Is he all right?
00:04:34Did something happen?
00:04:35Yeah.
00:04:36Well, no.
00:04:37I mean...
00:04:40Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?
00:04:43And the sleigh tracks?
00:04:45And the soot in the grate?
00:04:48And the presents under the tree?
00:04:49Well...
00:04:52Well, that was all me.
00:04:55I did that.
00:05:02Your Father Christmas?
00:05:04You've been drawing happiness to billions of children all over the world.
00:05:08No.
00:05:09That's not what I mean.
00:05:10Dad, I'm not being funny, but I really can't see you getting down our chimney.
00:05:14Let them back up it.
00:05:16I've seen you on the monkey balls.
00:05:18Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born.
00:05:21When we had the gas fire put in.
00:05:23What about the carrots?
00:05:26And the...
00:05:27The...
00:05:28The single malt?
00:05:29I suppose that was all you as well, was it?
00:05:32Yes.
00:05:33Obviously.
00:05:35I'm sorry, Chris, but...
00:05:39He isn't real.
00:05:42Father Christmas doesn't exist.
00:05:45I mean, think about it.
00:05:46A billion children.
00:05:47All over the world.
00:05:49I mean, it is physically impossible to deliver that many presents in a single night.
00:05:54He would say that.
00:05:56He went for the Royal Mail.
00:05:58He probably uses different...
00:06:01Software.
00:06:02And what software makes a reindeer fly at warp speeds and lights up his hooter?
00:06:08Nothing that's commercially available, but...
00:06:10And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?
00:06:15Even if you haven't even got one.
00:06:17And to never be seen.
00:06:20I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:21I know this time of year is special to you.
00:06:25But you're old enough now to know the truth.
00:06:40You're a father.
00:06:41That's okay.
00:06:42Some people are looking for you.
00:06:43But you can't be afraid of it, Chris.
00:06:44You're an old Mommy.
00:06:45You were looking for him.
00:06:46You did not know the truth.
00:06:47You were looking for him.
00:06:48You're looking for him.
00:06:49Two kids who are looking for him.
00:06:50Some people are looking for him.
00:06:51Oh, could you see him or someone?
00:06:52Oh, what?
00:06:53Yes.
00:06:54What?
00:06:56Yeah.
00:06:57What?
00:06:58Thank you so much.
00:06:59I'm so nervous about his mother.
00:07:01Your mom, you're looking for her?
00:07:02Please, Harry.
00:07:03It's just waiting for him to be your mother.
00:07:04You're looking for one more of your mother.
00:07:06To be a spider for a while.
00:07:07You'd be able to explain it, wouldn't you, if you were here?
00:07:15But you're not.
00:07:19You're probably at Lord's.
00:07:23Or in Norfolk.
00:07:26Or a book library.
00:07:37What's this?
00:07:52Egg banjo.
00:07:56I've had a little time to think about what you said.
00:08:02And I did it. I do.
00:08:04It's been a rough year. Seriously. One for the ages.
00:08:10And it's not like there isn't stiff competition.
00:08:15Professionally, you were laid off, then fired when you became a postman
00:08:21to be demoted almost immediately to the sorting office.
00:08:25Medically, although it wasn't proved serious in the end,
00:08:29you had to undergo a number of probes that people tended to laugh at
00:08:37rather than feel sorry for you for.
00:08:39It was during that health scare that you lost your place on the pub dance team
00:08:43to a man who was almost double your age.
00:08:45He was so talented.
00:08:46And it's hard to see a way back.
00:08:51Romantically, I'm sorry, but it's been a complete and utter disaster.
00:08:56Miss Bailey, who lives almost opposite, who you like, and I like,
00:09:02even though she teaches me double science.
00:09:04She asked you on a date back in April.
00:09:07And you still haven't called her back.
00:09:08Sorry to interrupt, but is there a point to all this, or are you just trying to boost morale?
00:09:13Yeah. Yeah, there is.
00:09:15And the point is, is that it's only natural after the year you've had
00:09:19to lose a little bit of that Christmas feeling.
00:09:23Oh, Chris, come on, please.
00:09:25To become jaded and cynical.
00:09:27Oh, not this again.
00:09:29Dad, you're wrong.
00:09:30You're wrong.
00:09:31I love you, but you're wrong.
00:09:34Father Christmas is real.
00:09:36And I'm going to prove it to you.
00:09:58Morning, Chris.
00:09:59Morning, Miss.
00:10:19Pat, what do I do with this one, mate?
00:10:21Ho, ho, ho!
00:10:23Follow me.
00:10:24I'll let you into a little secret.
00:10:30Who's there?
00:10:33Who's there?
00:10:43Don't worry, you get used to it.
00:10:48What happens to all the shredded paper?
00:10:51It's put on the back of a blue lorry and then no one knows.
00:10:53To be fair, we live in such a cynical age, I'm surprised anyone still rides the Father Christmas.
00:10:59My boy does.
00:11:01I thought he said he was 16 and doing his GCSEs.
00:11:04He is.
00:11:05I don't know.
00:11:18I don't know.
00:11:19I don't know.
00:11:20The cryptids is essentially the study of creatures that are said to exist, but are unproven, undocumented by science.
00:11:26The creatures that are studied are called cryptids.
00:11:31And people are familiar with Loch Ness monster, jupacabra, things like that.
00:11:34chupacabra things like that and within cryptozoology it just doesn't get any
00:11:39bigger than Bigfoot because of all cryptids out there Bigfoot has the most
00:11:46sightings sightings by very credible people
00:11:51the fact that this occurred in Alaska in an area the population density is like
00:12:00funny it's me Chris okay good yeah I thought so
00:12:04and another and another wait one more and open sesame
00:12:15I need a favour
00:12:21sorry love I'm on break all right look I'm like a long-distance blurry driver
00:12:35I have to take a break every 45 minutes sorry it's regulations Merry Christmas
00:12:40oh no no no no no no no you are banned okay I know I told you last year if that
00:12:47was the last year you're too old for this now mate I just want to ask you a
00:12:51question
00:12:58what's my mic for I don't do podcasts I've got my reputation to think about yeah Chris wants to
00:13:04prove to his dad that father Christmas is real oh my god how many times do I have to
00:13:09tell you mate I'm not father Christmas okay this bed isn't real and
00:13:16I'm a Muslim okay but what about the porch yeah the porch is real obviously I know you're not father Christmas
00:13:23I'm not stupid I'm not stupid it's only what seven more sleeps until the big day he's not going to be here is he this is crunch time
00:13:30he's got more important things to be doing would you want to ask me last year when I was here I overheard
00:13:37you talking to one of the single mums who was really impressed about how you knew Stephen Fry
00:13:44yeah I mean I wouldn't say he's a close friend but yeah that is literally what you said
00:13:51he's more of a close friend of like a casual acquaintance but what's that got to do with anything
00:13:56Stephen Fry is like good to my dad
00:13:58he will listen to anything he says
00:14:00I mean I won't necessarily understand it but he will listen so the best way to prove to my dad that
00:14:06Father Christmas is real is to have Stephen Fry say that he is I just need you to introduce us
00:14:12well I'm gonna level with you okay honestly honestly I don't really know him that well
00:14:16yeah I feel like you don't know him at all
00:14:18mm-hmm no no although I did bump into him in a Sainsbury's car park
00:14:23shut up what was he like he is so nice like and it was my fault because I was reversing
00:14:29didn't realize it was in first gear bumped into him oh my god Stephen Fry
00:14:33so you bumped into him in a car?
00:14:35yeah
00:14:38did you swap details?
00:14:40well no I think he's married isn't he?
00:14:42insurance details?
00:14:43insurance details right er he didn't have his details on him so
00:14:46he wrote his name and address down and then he put them into my phone
00:14:50got it in my phone
00:14:59big red bin of shredded dreams coming through
00:15:09hello
00:15:10oh Mr. Matthew
00:15:12yep
00:15:13it's Georgina Bailey from the school and the house almost opposite
00:15:19Georgina hi
00:15:21I'm so glad you called
00:15:24I've been meaning to call you back
00:15:26oh Nick
00:15:27no honestly I have it's just been a really hectic couple of eight months
00:15:32yeah that's not that's that's not the reason that I'm calling
00:15:35oh
00:15:36it's Chris he didn't come into school today
00:15:39I wouldn't have called it's just that I saw him when I left for school this morning and it looked like he was on the way in
00:15:46I know it's the last day of terms
00:15:48yeah no thank you it's good to know that you're really on it over there
00:15:53um no um he actually had a doctor's appointment today and that's why he couldn't make it in
00:16:00yeah there's nothing serious he's just got a rash on his
00:16:04on his
00:16:05it's okay don't need to know the details
00:16:15okay listener so we are currently outside a house of Stephen Frye in a yellow van
00:16:23go on to it
00:16:24I'm not going to
00:16:25in fact
00:16:27sorry what are you doing
00:16:29this way
00:16:31he can't track you
00:16:35no don't
00:16:44that is really annoying
00:16:47not to mention so irresponsible
00:16:55this is why they tell you to back everything up
00:16:57in case a stray lunatic decides to literally eat your data
00:17:03I've seen it happen
00:17:07anyway thanks for me your dad doesn't have a clue where we are
00:17:12well hello Uncle Nicholas
00:17:14I might have known you'd have something to do with this
00:17:17what even is this
00:17:18wait sorry can you can you do that one more time I'm just
00:17:21I forgot to click record
00:17:22don't tell me you bumped off school to do a podcast
00:17:25is that
00:17:27what I don't
00:17:28I can't see anyone
00:17:30who
00:17:31who can't you see
00:17:33oh
00:17:34oh it's
00:17:35oh it's
00:17:36it's him
00:17:38what
00:17:39why
00:17:40her
00:17:41oh it's alright
00:17:42breathe
00:17:43in
00:17:44and out
00:17:45in
00:17:46and out
00:17:47breathe it's alright
00:17:48Stephen Fry
00:17:49Father Christmas is real
00:17:50oh
00:17:51Chris I thought we discussed this
00:17:52we did
00:17:53and
00:17:54I said that I'd get you proof
00:17:55this is it
00:17:56if Stephen Fry
00:17:57says that Father Christmas is real
00:17:59then perhaps you'll believe me
00:18:00alright
00:18:01and if he says he isn't
00:18:02will you believe me
00:18:03if I'd have known I would have put on a different shirt
00:18:13okay you need to calm down
00:18:14I need the toilet is what I need
00:18:22oh I'm sorry I thought you were carol singers
00:18:26good king whence the sluss looked out on the feast of Stephen
00:18:33Gag
00:18:35please
00:18:36we all have to wait in the car
00:18:37sorry
00:18:38we're not carol singers
00:18:39I'm just a huge fan
00:18:40that I've watched everything you've ever done on television
00:18:43I've listened to all your books
00:18:44even the one about ties
00:18:45isn't that adorable
00:18:47well what impeccable taste you have
00:18:49now
00:18:50if you don't mind I'm just going to call the police
00:18:52no please
00:18:53we literally just want to ask you one question
00:18:54can I use your toilet
00:18:56that wasn't it
00:18:58I'm going to close the door now
00:19:00goodbye
00:19:01wait
00:19:03it's Father Christmas real
00:19:05I'm sorry
00:19:09what did you say the name was
00:19:11Father Christmas
00:19:12you have heard your Father Christmas
00:19:14yes
00:19:15no
00:19:16I mean
00:19:17I thought you said
00:19:18oh my goodness I left the oven on
00:19:19goodbye
00:19:20Stephen please
00:19:21it will only take a minute
00:19:22come on
00:19:24it is Christmas
00:19:25it's just as I imagined it
00:19:35is Father Christmas real
00:19:40in order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs of socks
00:19:44Father Christmas would have to travel jolly fast
00:19:46but how jolly
00:19:48show your workings fry
00:19:50certainly sir
00:19:51well
00:19:52speed
00:19:53as we know
00:19:54is distance
00:19:56divided by
00:19:58time
00:19:59divided by time
00:20:00and we calculate distance
00:20:01by seeing the
00:20:03number of households that celebrate Christmas
00:20:06which is roughly 45% of the population
00:20:098.2 billion
00:20:118.2 billion
00:20:12by the average number of people in a household
00:20:14which is approximately 3.95
00:20:173.95
00:20:18yep
00:20:19that gives us 934,177,215 households
00:20:31basically a billion
00:20:32basically a billion
00:20:33dad
00:20:34final warning
00:20:35by the global average spacing
00:20:39so 186 million kilometers plus change
00:20:42which is more than a hundred return trips to the moon
00:20:45so all that distance over time
00:20:50and how much time does Father Christmas have at his disposal
00:20:54well I'm going to say 30 hours
00:20:56if you think of when the last children go to sleep on Christmas Island
00:21:00and the first children wake up in American Samoa
00:21:03it gives us a total of 6,277,848 kilometers per hour
00:21:15well that is jolly fast like you said
00:21:20not as fast as the speed of light mind you
00:21:23but alas the air resistance alone will be enough to instantly vaporize any normal human being
00:21:29and actually these figures are a trifle optimisty
00:21:32because they don't take into account
00:21:34the fact that Father Christmas has to
00:21:36stop a billion times to deliver the actual presence
00:21:39that means constant acceleration
00:21:42deceleration
00:21:43not to mention going down all those chimneys
00:21:46and up them again
00:21:47it just stretches credibility even further doesn't it?
00:21:50how does he do that?
00:21:51especially when there is no chimney
00:21:52and given the fact that he is
00:21:54pun intended
00:21:55widely reported
00:21:56to be generously proportioned
00:21:58right
00:22:01yeah well
00:22:02thank you Stephen
00:22:03it's been really helpful
00:22:04that's not everything
00:22:06well it's enough to be getting on with so
00:22:08what else were you going to say?
00:22:10nothing really
00:22:11that was
00:22:12that was the nub
00:22:13please tell me
00:22:15well it's just that
00:22:17based on the lack of verifiable sightings
00:22:20and bona fide photographic evidence
00:22:23we have to conclude that Father Christmas does all this
00:22:26while remaining completely invisible
00:22:30I'd like to go home now please
00:22:38please
00:22:39please
00:22:40yes
00:22:41yeah of course mate
00:22:42yeah let's get you out
00:22:43excuse me Chris
00:22:45Excuse me, Chris, I just wanted to add that until 1903 and the Wright brothers,
00:23:03powered human flight was thought to be impossible, but it wasn't.
00:23:08We just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics and propulsion and three-axis steering.
00:23:15We had to wait for the science to catch up.
00:23:18And what I'm saying is all of that in there might not be impossible.
00:23:23It might just be that we can't explain it. Not yet.
00:23:28We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
00:23:34Oh, and talking pictures, I don't know, I thought perhaps you might like to have this.
00:23:39Stephen, you're getting after 20.
00:23:41Oh, I would. Oh, look at that. Wow.
00:23:43Oh, that is the best Christmas present ever.
00:23:47Oh, I feel a bit embarrassed now.
00:23:52Really? There's no reason to be.
00:23:54If I'd have known, I'd...
00:23:56Probably wouldn't have taken that.
00:24:03Have you taken anything else?
00:24:05God, Uncle Nicholas.
00:24:17God, Uncle Nicholas.
00:24:17Hello?
00:24:18No.
00:24:19No.
00:24:20No.
00:24:21I...
00:24:22I didn't say anything.
00:24:23I promise.
00:24:24In fact, I said the exact opposite.
00:24:46I...
00:24:47I...
00:24:48I was very careful.
00:24:50I...
00:24:51I...
00:24:52I...
00:24:53I...
00:24:54I...
00:24:55Hey, how'd it go to the doctors?
00:25:15Yeah, no, it was good.
00:25:18Thanks, yeah, no, they, um, they gave him a cream.
00:25:25Merry Christmas. Merry eczema-s.
00:25:34Merry eczema, eczema-s. I just got it because of the rash.
00:25:55Merry Christmas.
00:26:14Merry Christmas.
00:26:18Good night, son.
00:26:36Night, Dad.
00:26:38Chris, I know you're disappointed, but...
00:26:41This doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.
00:26:44We can still do all the other stuff.
00:26:46Everything else will stay exactly the same.
00:26:49Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?
00:27:01Which comes to 934,177,215 households.
00:27:09So, basically a billion.
00:27:11Basically a billion.
00:27:16We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
00:27:21The bigger picture.
00:27:23The bigger picture.
00:27:25The bigger picture.
00:27:26The bigger picture.
00:27:27The bigger picture.
00:27:28The bigger picture.
00:27:29The bigger picture.
00:27:30The bigger picture.
00:27:31The bigger picture.
00:27:32The bigger picture.
00:27:33The bigger picture.
00:27:34The bigger picture.
00:27:35The bigger picture.
00:27:36The bigger picture.
00:27:37The bigger picture.
00:27:38The bigger picture.
00:27:39The bigger picture.
00:27:40The bigger picture.
00:27:41The bigger picture.
00:27:42The bigger picture.
00:27:43The bigger picture.
00:27:44The bigger picture.
00:27:45The bigger picture.
00:29:52I know it sounds tenuous.
00:29:53I mean...
00:29:54You have me a tenuous.
00:30:24I have no one.
00:30:29You have no one.
00:30:32You have no one.
00:30:36I am the one.
00:30:42You have no one.
00:30:48I have no one.
00:30:52Professor Hannah Fry?
00:31:00Yeah.
00:31:02Relax, relax.
00:31:04We just want to ask you a couple of questions.
00:31:06Oh, you're doing a podcast.
00:31:08Oh, I love a podcast.
00:31:10We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.
00:31:13Oh, OK.
00:31:14No, I'm sorry.
00:31:15I cannot help you with that.
00:31:22Where did you get this?
00:31:27Journalist never reveals their source.
00:31:29Stephen gave you this, didn't he?
00:31:30Yeah, 100%.
00:31:31I'm not a journalist.
00:31:34He's such a blabbermouth.
00:31:35What else did he tell you?
00:31:36Nothing.
00:31:37I find that very difficult to believe.
00:31:40We said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas
00:31:43to climb down cindies that aren't even there.
00:31:46It's just that we can't explain it yet.
00:31:48I mean, he can't explain it yet.
00:31:50But do you know that he failed O-level physics?
00:31:56Does that mean, er, that you can explain it?
00:32:02Well, yeah.
00:32:02Of course I can explain it.
00:32:04It's just, you know.
00:32:05Yeah, you don't want to.
00:32:07Yeah, I don't want to.
00:32:08I mean, obviously she can.
00:32:10She just doesn't want to.
00:32:11I can actually explain it, guys.
00:32:13No, I believe you.
00:32:15Professor?
00:32:15Excuse me.
00:32:16What are these fake air quotes?
00:32:17I'm an actual professor.
00:32:18Okay, Chris, come on.
00:32:21Let's go.
00:32:22Oh, have you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?
00:32:25Okay.
00:32:25Yeah, somewhere.
00:32:26Okay, it's macroscopic quantum tunneling.
00:32:30Just remind me what that is again.
00:32:31Okay, so Father Christmas turns himself and his presents
00:32:34into a single quantum object,
00:32:36and that way he can pass through solid walls.
00:32:38Like a ghost.
00:32:40No, nothing like a ghost.
00:32:41This is the quantum world.
00:32:43It's where particles don't exist at a single point.
00:32:45They exist everywhere and nowhere all at once
00:32:47in like a cloud of probability that spreads through space.
00:32:51And that way a particle could be on the roof of a house,
00:32:54but it could also be inside a house,
00:32:57underneath a Christmas tree.
00:32:59That's quantum tunneling.
00:33:01I see.
00:33:02And how would you travel fast enough
00:33:05to be able to deliver all those presents in a single night?
00:33:08Well, he's using an Alcoupier drive, right?
00:33:10He's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Winkowski space,
00:33:14and that way he doesn't need to feel any of the G-forces.
00:33:17OK, I, uh, I forgot.
00:33:24Actually, I...
00:33:26I need to go.
00:33:27I've got a lecture to do.
00:33:28Sorry.
00:33:31How does he make himself turn invisible?
00:33:43Oh, my God.
00:33:47That was weird.
00:33:49I know, right?
00:33:50Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?
00:33:53Before that, I mean.
00:33:56That photograph, it really put her on eggs.
00:34:00That's it?
00:34:01We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.
00:34:03That's what we're doing, Holly.
00:34:05You've got to call them.
00:34:06You've got to call them right now.
00:34:07How?
00:34:08We're going to have a number.
00:34:10Or a SIM card.
00:34:12Oh, sorry, mate.
00:34:13One second.
00:34:14Yeah, I'd better get this.
00:34:15This might be for me.
00:34:17Hello?
00:34:19Yeah, speaking.
00:34:22Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Adair in Pocock.
00:34:27Now, did she get your number?
00:34:30No, ask her.
00:34:33Yeah, no, sorry, still here.
00:34:36She wants to meet.
00:34:37I'm not sure this is a good idea.
00:34:55Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.
00:34:58She wouldn't ask to meet in a place like this unless we were dangerously close to the truth.
00:35:02She's real.
00:35:24Is Father Crisp real?
00:35:30He's real? If you believe he's real.
00:35:33That's good enough for me. But my dad wants proof.
00:35:37What makes you think I can help?
00:35:46Ah, Stephen. He can't help himself.
00:35:50Have you met the other two?
00:35:52Professor Hannah Frye, but not Foxy.
00:35:56He's a hard man to find.
00:35:57You don't know where he is.
00:35:59I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.
00:36:03So, Hannah, what did you two discuss?
00:36:07Oh, just macroscopic quantum tunneling.
00:36:09It's how Father Crispus gets down the chimneys.
00:36:11Anything else?
00:36:13She touched on the, um, the Allen...
00:36:16Allen Cube...
00:36:18The Allen Cube...
00:36:20The Alcubier Drive?
00:36:21Yes, the one.
00:36:22And did it make sense?
00:36:24Um...
00:36:25Well, I'd be lying if I showed it all went in.
00:36:28Um, but then I've only predicted a grade three and two sassy maths.
00:36:33It's not that complicated.
00:36:35Let's get that three up to a four.
00:36:37Rather than making Father Crispus travel to every household,
00:36:40the trick is to make every household travel to him.
00:36:45What is she doing?
00:36:47Who keeps a rug in the blue of her car?
00:36:50Now, imagine that this rug represents space and time, but all smooshed together.
00:36:56And it's running from one end of a room...
00:37:00...all the way to the other.
00:37:01Would you like to step inside the room?
00:37:03Ah, classic.
00:37:04She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.
00:37:08Now, conventionally, it would take a number of steps to get from one end to the other.
00:37:11But imagine if we could squish out a concertina space and time in front of you.
00:37:16Like this.
00:37:20OK, good.
00:37:22False alarm.
00:37:24Teacher's got to teach.
00:37:28So now, you can step from one end of the room to the other in a single step.
00:37:33And if I even date space and time behind you, like this...
00:37:45You've miraculously got from one end to the other.
00:37:49Wow.
00:37:51That actually makes sense.
00:37:59Well...
00:38:01You can relax.
00:38:02He doesn't know anything.
00:38:04In fact, I'm not even sure he knows that.
00:38:07Good.
00:38:09We have to be careful.
00:38:11The belief is strong with this one.
00:38:23Alcubier Drive, that's sort of like a magic carpet thing.
00:38:27No, the carpet was just a teacher aid.
00:38:29I don't know.
00:38:31It may take my feet, I guess.
00:38:32It may take my feet, I guess.
00:38:33Oh, pizza!
00:38:34Oh, wait a minute!
00:38:35Yeah?
00:38:36When did you want a pizza?
00:38:37Well, no, I didn't.
00:38:38So what are you doing?
00:38:39What's the point of having all this security if you're just going to open the door to anyone with a pizza?
00:38:43Well, I like pizza and I also haven't eaten since breakfast, so...
00:38:44Why?
00:38:45That's weird.
00:38:46That's weird.
00:38:47He's opened up the pizza box but there isn't any pizza in it.
00:38:48There's just words.
00:38:49What do you mean?
00:38:50What do you mean?
00:38:51What works?
00:38:52It says, I am here on behalf of Jason Foxy Sock.
00:38:55I am here on behalf of Jason Foxy Sock.
00:38:56What?
00:38:57What's the point of having all this security if you're just going to open the door to anyone
00:39:01with a pizza?
00:39:02Well, I like pizza and I also haven't eaten since breakfast, so...
00:39:06Why?
00:39:07That's weird.
00:39:09He's opened up the pizza box but there isn't any pizza in it.
00:39:12There's just words.
00:39:13What do you mean?
00:39:15What words?
00:39:16It says, I am here on behalf of Jason Foxy Sock.
00:39:26Why not?
00:39:33Sorry.
00:39:34Sorry.
00:39:35My bad.
00:39:36He's telling me we don't have long but you can talk to Foxy.
00:39:55Through me.
00:39:56Are you psychic?
00:39:57No.
00:39:58I have a microphone and a camera.
00:39:59Foxy can see us and hear us.
00:40:00Hello Chris.
00:40:01Hello Holly.
00:40:02It's Foxy here.
00:40:03I'm really sorry about the tight security but I can't take no chances.
00:40:04Can't take no chances.
00:40:05They can't know where I am.
00:40:06Who's they?
00:40:07Father Christmas.
00:40:08And his organisation.
00:40:09Shall we feel?
00:40:10Yeah mate.
00:40:11As real as I am standing right here.
00:40:12What do they want?
00:40:13Get that photograph out.
00:40:14That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.
00:40:15I thought it was going to be well boring stuck with them lot all night.
00:40:16But it turns out we had a lot in common.
00:40:17Like ideas about Father Christmas and how it is he can do what he does.
00:40:18You know theoretically.
00:40:19We really got into it.
00:40:20We really got into it.
00:40:21And was going to organise a convention.
00:40:22As real as I am standing right here.
00:40:23As real as I am standing right here.
00:40:24What do they want?
00:40:25Get that photograph out.
00:40:34That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.
00:40:36I thought it was going to be well boring stuck with them lot all night.
00:40:39But it turns out we had a lot in common.
00:40:41Like ideas about Father Christmas and how it is he can do what he does.
00:40:45You know theoretically.
00:40:47We really got into it.
00:40:48And was going to organise a convention and everything.
00:40:51And call it the science of Christmas.
00:40:53And use it to get children interested in the subject from a young age.
00:40:57Inspire future generations.
00:40:59We had publishers interested.
00:41:01And television people.
00:41:02There was even talk of a podcast.
00:41:04What happened?
00:41:05Father Christmas.
00:41:06He shut us down.
00:41:07I am not saying he did it personally.
00:41:09But he was definitely involved.
00:41:11What idea did you have?
00:41:12Active camouflage.
00:41:13It's what the big man uses to make himself invisible.
00:41:16His red jumpsuit is actually just an image of a red jumpsuit.
00:41:20Projected onto a flexible wearable OLED screen.
00:41:23Hidden cameras constantly film what is around him.
00:41:26And then project that on the screen on the opposite side.
00:41:29It's like he's wrapped in a live feed of his immediate environment.
00:41:32It's the same technology James Bond used to make his car invisible.
00:41:36In Die Another Day.
00:41:38I didn't see it.
00:41:39Exactly.
00:41:40Sorry.
00:41:41That's all I have time for.
00:41:44I've got to take a cake out of the oven.
00:41:46Wait.
00:41:49How do I find Father Christmas?
00:41:52You've done it soldier.
00:41:53That's what I've been trying to tell you.
00:41:55Stay clear.
00:41:56You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:41:58You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:42:00You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:42:06Well, that period of time has ended in the lake.
00:42:23I'll get it.
00:42:36Miss Georgina, Miss Bailey, how do I look?
00:42:53I could gear and headlights.
00:42:55Come in!
00:42:56Let the old rib bowels up holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:14Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:18Fill the meat cup, drain the barrel, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:24Trail the ancient Christmas carrel, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:30Follow me in merry measure, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:35Passed away the old year passes, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:40Hail the lonely lads and lasses, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:44Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:48Passed away the old year passes, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:54La.
00:44:14I can explain.
00:44:16My letter to Father Christmas that I posted.
00:44:19I know.
00:44:20You know that it's a criminal offence to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed.
00:44:25I rescued it.
00:44:26For what?
00:44:27Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?
00:44:30Well, I know what's supposed to happen.
00:44:32They get sent to Father Christmas, so we know you've got presents to get.
00:44:35They get shredded.
00:44:37All of them.
00:44:38They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long thin strips,
00:44:43which are dumped into big red bins and then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry
00:44:47and taken to God knows where.
00:44:51So you don't know where?
00:44:52I know it's not the North Pole.
00:44:54How do you know?
00:44:55Because I do.
00:44:57You don't.
00:44:58You don't know.
00:44:59You just don't want to believe.
00:45:00You always think that everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:18Not everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:22You don't know.
00:45:27Hi, this is Georgina.
00:45:29I can't come to the phone right now so please leave a message.
00:45:33Hey, Georgina.
00:45:35It's Nick here.
00:45:36Nick.
00:45:38Massey.
00:45:39From the house opposite.
00:45:40Well it's not really opposite, is it?
00:45:42It's more sort of, I'd say, ten o'clock?
00:45:45It's definitely across the street.
00:45:47It doesn't matter.
00:45:48I'm just returning your call basically.
00:45:51From April, I think it was.
00:45:54Just to say that, yes.
00:45:58I'd really like to go for that drink.
00:46:01If the offer still stands.
00:46:04And that I'm free tonight.
00:46:07If that's not too rash.
00:46:09Nailed it.
00:46:10So letters to Father Christmas are shredded, put on that blue lorry and then taken where?
00:46:22That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.
00:46:23That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.
00:46:24Good.
00:46:25Hiya.
00:46:26Yeah.
00:46:27Tonight, sounds great.
00:46:30Hiya. Yeah. Tonight sounds great. I think I can get to you for about eight o'clock.
00:46:47So, yeah, I guess I'll see you then. Bye.
00:46:55Still good?
00:47:00Oh, Chris, before I forget. There you go.
00:47:21You got me a UC card? No. That's just the one I swallowed.
00:47:27You wait here. Where are you going? I have an idea.
00:47:39Knock, knock. Hey. Can I help you? I don't know. Can you?
00:47:45Well, not unless you tell me what it is you want. No.
00:47:51I'm, er... I'm here to see Father Christmas.
00:47:56Hiya. Got an appointment?
00:48:01Do I need one?
00:48:04Does this look like the North Pole to you? Hmm?
00:48:07I don't know. I've... I've never been.
00:48:09Yeah. Well, he's not. It's Milton Keynes.
00:48:14OK. Now, clear off.
00:48:15Fair enough. Yep.
00:48:19He is definitely in there.
00:48:32Father Christmas? How do you know?
00:48:35Women's institution, Chris.
00:48:39What now?
00:48:40Plan B.
00:48:47Problem?
00:48:49No, sir.
00:48:50No problem.
00:48:51No problem.
00:48:52No.
00:48:54You're not.
00:48:57No, sir.
00:49:00No.
00:49:02No, sir.
00:49:04No, sir.
00:49:06No, sir.
00:49:08Yes.
00:49:10No, sir.
00:49:12No, sir.
00:49:14No, sir.
00:49:16No, sir.
00:49:18Are you sure this is going to work?
00:49:30I don't look anything like a security guard.
00:49:32Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.
00:49:41I know you've said you've done this before,
00:49:44but I suppose the question is, how many times?
00:49:47I really don't know. It's not like I can count.
00:49:49Like, less than a hundred more than once.
00:49:52You mean twice?
00:49:53Well, you know what they say, but I'm lucky.
00:49:56The first two times failed.
00:49:58Chris, now is really not the time for second thoughts, OK?
00:50:01Did you want to find out if Father Christmas is real or not?
00:50:03Well, yeah, but...
00:50:05Good, because there is a very small chance
00:50:07that he is on the other side of that wall.
00:50:09A very small chance?
00:50:10You say definitely.
00:50:12Definitely a very small chance.
00:50:14You just remember what I told you, yeah?
00:50:15Tuck and roll.
00:50:17You didn't tell me that.
00:50:18Well, I'm telling you now, aren't I?
00:50:19Tuck and roll.
00:50:21OK, OK.
00:50:23Tuck and roll.
00:50:24Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:50:25Wait, wait.
00:50:30Aim for the minnows.
00:50:34Tuck and roll.
00:50:36I got it.
00:50:37I got it.
00:50:37I got it.
00:51:07You're right where you are!
00:51:24Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were one of us.
00:51:29Oh, yeah. You know, I am. Definitely.
00:51:35Hang on!
00:51:37I don't recognise you.
00:51:41Well, you must be new.
00:51:44That's right. Yeah, yeah, I am. I'm just trying to throw again.
00:51:50Well, then how come you have a different uniform?
00:51:55Well, it must be from a different branch.
00:51:57Go on, then. Let's have a cup of tea.
00:51:59I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.
00:52:07Oh, no.
00:52:08Uncle Nicholas. Uncle Nicholas. I tried to talk him out of it. I swear. I really did. I really...
00:52:21Are you all right? Hi.
00:52:22But he just... He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen.
00:52:26Holly, he said. That is very mature and incredibly level-headed advice, but I will fundamentally ignore it.
00:52:32Holly, Holly, slow down. What are you talking about? Where is Chris?
00:52:36Where is Chris?
00:52:41No one can't.
00:52:42I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old and he still believes in Father Christmas.
00:52:50I think that's good.
00:52:51I don't. I think he's sad and pathetic. He's becoming more and more like his dad each day.
00:52:57At least he believes in something. A lot of people don't.
00:53:02I mean, I don't know. I'm not his parent. You are. But I am his teacher.
00:53:07And what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious and who shows initiative.
00:53:16Those are all good qualities.
00:53:22And thanks for coming tonight.
00:53:24This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.
00:53:29Listen up, everyone. This is Chris. He just transferred in.
00:53:34Hi, Chris. Hiya.
00:53:36Chris, this is Danny. Where were you before?
00:53:38Swinging.
00:53:40That's Frank. I didn't know we had an office in Swingland.
00:53:44They wouldn't tell us if they did.
00:53:46You got that, right?
00:53:48Angela. Hi.
00:53:50Come on, then. I'll show you round the kitchen.
00:53:51So that's Robbo, Big Gen and tea bag.
00:53:55A cup of tea, Chris.
00:53:56No, no, no. No, children. I need a girlfriend first.
00:54:03Oh, sorry, Chris.
00:54:04Go ahead. This is good talk. Over.
00:54:05Yeah. You haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to on your rounds, have you? Over.
00:54:09No, what kind? Over.
00:54:10No, what kind? Over.
00:54:11I've got a gentleman here. This is a lad trampled over the back wall earlier on tonight. Over.
00:54:13No, sorry.
00:54:14Hang on a minute.
00:54:15Hang on a minute.
00:54:16Chris?
00:54:17Yeah?
00:54:19You were around the back earlier.
00:54:20Go ahead, this is Goodsalk, over.
00:54:23Yeah, you haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to on your rounds, have you?
00:54:26Over.
00:54:27No, what kind? Over.
00:54:29Go on, gentlemen here.
00:54:30This is a lad trumpleted over the back wall earlier on tonight.
00:54:33Over.
00:54:34No, sorry.
00:54:38Hang on a minute.
00:54:41Chris?
00:54:43Yeah?
00:54:45You were around the back earlier.
00:54:47See anything that looked like a young lad?
00:54:49No, no.
00:54:51You're all back from Finkel.
00:54:53Sorry, mate. Can't help you. Over and out.
00:54:57Is the toilet...
00:54:58Oh, it's just out there, second on the left.
00:55:05Good kid.
00:55:06Settling in very nicely.
00:55:19Where is he?
00:55:21Where is he?
00:55:21Where is he?
00:55:23There.
00:55:23Good kid.
00:55:24Good kid.
00:55:41Good kid.
00:57:41Sorry.
00:57:42Remember, you have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.
00:57:48I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:51Speak up!
00:57:52I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:54I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.
00:57:57Won't happen again.
00:57:59I promise.
00:58:12Right, off you go.
00:58:13Poor old Ruprecht.
00:58:22His heart's in the right place.
00:58:24And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.
00:58:27He takes care of that part of the business, and that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.
00:58:31Which is a random way of saying, I have no idea who you are, why you're here, why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.
00:58:39I did.
00:58:41And I'm Chris, by the way.
00:58:43Right.
00:58:44Do you have the letter on you?
00:58:46Yes, I do.
00:58:48Here.
00:58:49Oh.
00:58:50Right.
00:58:54Let me guess.
00:58:56Wireless headphones.
00:58:58A hoodie.
00:58:59A black Nam Doze card.
00:59:06All you want for Christmas is for your dad to believe in Father Christmas.
00:59:11He doesn't think to exist.
00:59:14Tell me, Chris.
00:59:16It is Chris, isn't it?
00:59:17Have you, uh, have you ever seen a magic trick?
00:59:32Were you amazed?
00:59:34I was.
00:59:39Now, what do you think would have happened if the magician had explained the trick to you first?
00:59:44It wouldn't feel like magic.
00:59:47Well, that's the approach we like to take here.
00:59:51Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there, the skeptics, the non-believers.
00:59:57It makes it more special for the children and those that do believe.
01:00:01And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?
01:00:04Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.
01:00:08A hundred years ago, the science I had, it was a thousand years ahead of anyone.
01:00:13A decade ago, only a century, and now it's getting closer.
01:00:17The gap is closing fast.
01:00:20The inexorable march of progress.
01:00:21Those people in the photograph, I'm sure they had good intentions, but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.
01:00:31And that would have ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.
01:00:34But we had to step in.
01:00:36Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad that I'm real and that you were right.
01:00:44But I need to ask you a favor.
01:00:51I need you to keep all of this a secret.
01:00:55You know, to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.
01:01:01Do you think you could do that for me?
01:01:06Well, I can't really say no to Father Christmas, can I?
01:01:11Well, what can I get you instead?
01:01:18How about an air fryer?
01:01:19I've had a run on those.
01:01:22No.
01:01:24I know what I want.
01:01:26Oh.
01:01:41Oh.
01:01:42With your science teacher?
01:01:43No, I don't...
01:01:44No, not for me.
01:01:45Oh.
01:01:54Well.
01:01:58It's a little outside my remit, but...
01:02:01I'll see what I can do.
01:02:03I'll see what I can do.
01:02:33You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?
01:02:48For either of you.
01:02:49You know, I wouldn't say this out loud, but, um...
01:03:17I was really proud of the way you kept going back there.
01:03:25Now, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you...
01:03:29You showed real determination.
01:03:34She loved Christmas.
01:03:48Not as much as you, obviously.
01:03:50But it was definitely her favourite time of year.
01:03:56You know, I think part of the reason why you wanted to still believe in Father Christmas was because of that.
01:04:03Because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated, it's as if...
01:04:13To believe in Father Christmas was to keep the memory of her alive.
01:04:18But you'll never forget her.
01:04:23She'll always be here.
01:04:26And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?
01:04:29Yeah.
01:04:29Eh?
01:04:30We'll, er...
01:04:30We'll open presents and...
01:04:33Pull crackers.
01:04:34Put up decorations.
01:04:36Cook a goose.
01:04:37Pretend we like Christmas pudding.
01:04:38The works.
01:04:39Thanks, Dad.
01:04:41Not lucky, sir.
01:04:46Dad.
01:04:47Hmm?
01:04:49I also think that part of the reason that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas...
01:04:57Was because of Mum as well.
01:05:00Huh?
01:05:00Almost as if...
01:05:04I don't know, because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated that...
01:05:10If I still believed in Father Christmas, then...
01:05:15It would just be...
01:05:17Too hard for you to move on.
01:05:19For the rest of your life.
01:05:23But you can.
01:05:28You're not going to forget her.
01:05:30That's an interesting call.
01:05:45Come on, mate.
01:05:46Come on, Dad.
01:05:56Oh...
01:05:57Oh...
01:05:58You're not going to forget her.
01:05:59You're not going to forget her.
01:06:00You're not going to forget her.
01:06:01You're not going to forget her.
01:06:02You're not going to forget her.
01:06:03You're not going to forget her.
01:06:04You're not going to forget her.
01:06:05You're not going to forget her.
01:06:06You're not going to forget her.
01:06:07You're not going to forget her.
01:06:08You're not going to forget her.
01:06:09You're not going to forget her.
01:06:10You're not going to forget her.
01:06:11You're not going to forget her.
01:06:12You're not going to forget her.
01:06:13You're not going to forget her.
01:06:14You're not going to forget her.
01:06:15You're not going to forget her.
01:06:16You're not going to forget her.
01:06:17You're not going to forget her.
01:06:18You're not going to forget her.
01:06:19You're not going to forget her.
01:06:20He's big.
01:06:50How on earth did you get up there?
01:07:04I don't know.
01:07:05It's a Christmas miracle.
01:07:07Yeah, well, as long as it wasn't that trampoline again.
01:07:10Anyway, come on.
01:07:11That goose isn't going to cook itself.
01:07:20Merry Christmas.
01:07:50Merry Christmas.
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