- 1 day ago
S12E100 Christmas Special 2025
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00I
00:00:30Pee-pee!
00:02:38You have to tell him.
00:02:40You do.
00:02:44This is the year.
00:03:44Chris.
00:03:46You're at an age now where, as a parent, it's my job to tell you certain facts that you might
00:03:54not want to hear.
00:03:56Dad, relax.
00:03:58We've done this all in school.
00:04:00You have?
00:04:01Yeah.
00:04:02That was clear.
00:04:03Oh.
00:04:04Oh.
00:04:05Oh.
00:04:06Oh.
00:04:07Oh.
00:04:08Oh.
00:04:09That is a weight off.
00:04:10I can't tell you.
00:04:12Oh, your face.
00:04:14I don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.
00:04:17What?
00:04:18Oh, God.
00:04:19You want to teach me to put on a contraception?
00:04:22God, no, Chris.
00:04:23No.
00:04:24That's...
00:04:25That's not what this is about.
00:04:27It's about Father Christmas.
00:04:29What do you mean?
00:04:32Is he all right?
00:04:34Did something happen?
00:04:35Yeah.
00:04:36Well, no.
00:04:37I mean...
00:04:40Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?
00:04:43And the sleigh tracks?
00:04:45And the soot in the grate?
00:04:48And the presents under the tree?
00:04:49Well...
00:04:52Well, that was all me.
00:04:55I did that.
00:05:02Your Father Christmas?
00:05:04You've been drawing happiness to billions of children all over the world.
00:05:08No.
00:05:09That's not what I mean.
00:05:10Dad, I'm not being funny, but I really can't see you getting down our chimney.
00:05:14Let them back up it.
00:05:16I've seen you on the monkey balls.
00:05:18Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born.
00:05:21When we had the gas fire put in.
00:05:23What about the carrots?
00:05:26And the...
00:05:27The...
00:05:28The single malt?
00:05:29I suppose that was all you as well, was it?
00:05:32Yes.
00:05:33Obviously.
00:05:35I'm sorry, Chris, but...
00:05:39He isn't real.
00:05:42Father Christmas doesn't exist.
00:05:45I mean, think about it.
00:05:46A billion children.
00:05:47All over the world.
00:05:49I mean, it is physically impossible to deliver that many presents in a single night.
00:05:54He would say that.
00:05:56He went for the Royal Mail.
00:05:58He probably uses different...
00:06:01Software.
00:06:02And what software makes a reindeer fly at warp speeds and lights up his hooter?
00:06:08Nothing that's commercially available, but...
00:06:10And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?
00:06:15Even if you haven't even got one.
00:06:17And to never be seen.
00:06:20I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:21I know this time of year is special to you.
00:06:25But you're old enough now to know the truth.
00:06:40I'll be Ohhh!
00:06:41You're late.
00:06:42I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:43I didn't think about it.
00:06:44No, I didn't know the truth.
00:06:45We're off, you know what the truth is eh?
00:06:46I want to know the truth.
00:06:48No, no, no, no, no.
00:06:49I've never found a hoffe of it.
00:06:50I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:51I've never found a person at all.
00:06:52I've never found a person at all.
00:06:53I could've been a part of it.
00:06:54No, I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:55No, I don't have no part of it.
00:06:56I've never found a son.
00:06:58What about the life is ea.
00:06:59And no, I'm afraid I'm afraid of.
00:07:01I can't affect it.
00:07:02And you don't have any Fun.
00:07:03Yeah, I can't say anything.
00:07:04Yes, we can't accept it.
00:07:05you'd be able to explain it wouldn't you if you were here but you're not
00:07:18you're probably at lords or in norfolk or a book library
00:07:35what's this egg banjo
00:07:56i've had a little time to think about what you said
00:08:00uh and i did it i do it's been a rough year seriously fun for the ages and it's not like
00:08:10there isn't stiff competition
00:08:15professionally you were laid off then fired when you became a postman to be demoted almost
00:08:22immediately to the sorting office medically although was it proved serious in the end
00:08:29you had to undergo a number of probes that people tended to laugh at rather than feel
00:08:37sorry for you for it was during that health scare that you lost your place on the pub dance team
00:08:42for a man who was almost double your age he was so talented and it's hard to see a way back
00:08:51romantically i'm sorry but it's been a complete and utter disaster
00:08:55um miss bailey who lives almost opposite who you like and and i like even though she teaches me
00:09:03double science she asked you on a date back in april and you still haven't called her back
00:09:08i'm sorry to interrupt but is there a point to all this or are you just trying to boost morale
00:09:13yeah yeah there is and the point is is that it's only natural after the year you've had to lose a
00:09:20little bit of that christmas feeling oh chris come on please to become jaded and cynical i'm not this
00:09:27again dad you're wrong i love you but you're wrong father christmas israel and i'm going to prove it to
00:09:48good morning chris good morning mish
00:10:18back what i'll do with this one mate oh follow me i'll let you into a little secret
00:10:33in there
00:10:34what happens to all the shredded paper it's put in the back of the blue lorry and then no one
00:10:52knows to be fair we live in such a cynical age i'm surprised anyone still writes the father christmas
00:10:57who knows my boy does i thought you said he was 16 and doing his gcses he is
00:11:18cryptozmology is essentially the study of creatures that are said to exist but are unproven
00:11:26undocumented by science the creatures that are studied are called cryptids and you're familiar
00:11:32with lochness monster chupacabra things like that and within cryptozmology it just doesn't get any
00:11:39bigger than bigfoot because of all cryptids out there bigfoot has the most sightings sightings by very
00:11:48very credible people from the fact that this occurred in alaska in an area
00:11:57you know the population density is like
00:12:00holly it's me chris okay good yeah i thought so
00:12:04and another and another wait one more and open sesame i need a favour
00:12:18uh sorry love i'm on break all right look i'm like a long distance lorry driver i have to take a
00:12:35break every 45 minutes no no you're a disgrace sorry it's regulations merry christmas oh no no no no no no no
00:12:43you are banned okay i no i told you last year it that was the last year you're too old for this now
00:12:49mate i just want to ask you a question
00:12:58what's my mic for i don't do podcast i've got my reputation to think about yeah chris wants to
00:13:04prove to his dad that father christmas is real oh my god how many times do i have to tell you mate
00:13:10i'm not father christmas okay this bed isn't real and i'm a muslim okay but what about the porch
00:13:20yeah the porch is real obviously i know you're not father christmas i'm not stupid
00:13:25it's only what seven more sleeps until the big day he's not going to be here is he this is crunch time
00:13:31he's got more important things to be doing what do you want to ask me last year when i was here
00:13:37i overheard you talking to one of the single mums who was really impressed about how you knew steven
00:13:43fry you knew steven fry yeah i mean i wouldn't say he's a close friend but yeah no that is literally
00:13:50what you said yeah he's more of a close friend of like a casual acquaintance but what's that got to
00:13:55do with anything steven fry is like god to my dad he will listen to anything he says i mean he won't
00:14:01won't necessarily understand it but he will listen so the best way to prove to my dad that father
00:14:07christmas is real is to have steven fry say that he is i just need you to introduce us right i'm
00:14:13gonna level with you okay honestly honestly i don't really know him that well i feel like you don't
00:14:18know him at all no no although i did bump into him in a sainsbury's car park shut up what was he like
00:14:25he is so nice like and it was my fault because i was reversing didn't realize it was in first gear
00:14:31bumped into him oh my god steven fry so you you bumped into him in a car yeah
00:14:38did you just want details well no i think he's married isn't he insurance details insurance details
00:14:44right uh he didn't have his details on him so he wrote his name and address down and then
00:14:49he put them into my phone got it in my phone
00:15:03big red bin of shredded dreams coming through
00:15:09hello oh mr mushy yeah it's georgina bailey from the school and
00:15:18the house almost opposite georgina hi um i'm so glad you called um i've been meaning to call
00:15:26you back oh nick no honestly i have it's just been a really hectic couple of
00:15:31eight months yeah that's not that's that's not the reason that i'm calling oh it's chris
00:15:38he didn't come into school today i wouldn't have called it's just that i i saw him when i left
00:15:43school this morning it looked like he was on the way in i know it's the last day of terms yeah no
00:15:50thank you it's good to know that you're really on it over there um no um he actually had a doctor's
00:15:57appointment today and that's why he couldn't make it in yeah there's nothing serious he's just got a
00:16:03rash on his it's okay don't need to know the details
00:16:10okay listener so we are currently outside a house of stephen fry in a yellow van
00:16:22so what are you doing this way he can't track you no don't
00:16:36oh that is really annoying not to mention so irresponsible
00:16:49and this is why they tell you to back everything up in case a stray lunatic decides to literally
00:17:01eat your data i've seen it happen
00:17:07anyway thanks to me your dad doesn't have a clue where we are
00:17:13well hello uncle nicholas i might have known you'd have something to do with this
00:17:16hey what even is this like sorry can you can you do that one more time i'm just
00:17:21i forgot to click record don't tell me you bumped off school to do a podcast
00:17:26is that what i don't i can't see anyone who who can't you see oh oh it's it's him
00:17:37what why how huh oh it's all right breathe in and out in and out breathe it's all right chris wants
00:17:48to ask stephen five father christmas is real oh chris i thought we discussed this we did and i
00:17:55said that i'd get you proof this is it if stephen five says that father christmas is real then
00:18:00perhaps you'll believe me all right and if he says he isn't will you believe me
00:18:12if i'd have known i would have put on a different shirt okay you need to calm down
00:18:15i need the toilet is what i need
00:18:16oh i'm sorry i i thought you were carol singers
00:18:27good king whence the sluss looked out on the feast of stephen
00:18:35gag please we all have to wait in the car sorry we're not carol singers i'm just a huge fan that
00:18:41i've watched everything you've ever done on television i've listened to all your books even
00:18:45the one about ties isn't that adorable well what impeccable taste you have now uh if you don't mind
00:18:51i'm just going to call the police no please we we literally just want to ask you one question
00:18:55can i use your toilet that wasn't it i'm gonna close the door now goodbye wait
00:19:01is father christmas real
00:19:09i'm sorry what did you say the name was father christmas you have heard your father christmas
00:19:15yes no i mean i thought you said oh my goodness i left the oven on goodbye
00:19:20stephen please it will only take a minute come on it is christmas
00:19:31it's just as i imagined it is father christmas real in order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs
00:19:44of socks father christmas would have to travel jolly fast but how jolly show your workings fry
00:19:51certainly sir well speed as we know is distance divided by time by time and we calculate distance
00:20:02by seeing the number of households that celebrate christmas which is roughly 45 percent of the
00:20:09population 8.2 billion by the average number of people in a household which is approximately 3.95
00:20:183.95 yep that gives us 934 million 177 215 households basically a billion basically a billion
00:20:34dad final warning by the global average spacing so 186 million kilometers plus change which is more
00:20:44than 100 return trips to the moon so all that distance over time and how much time does father
00:20:52christmas have at his disposal well i'm going to say 30 hours if you think of when the last children go to
00:20:59sleep on christmas island and the first children wake up in american samoa gives us a total of six million
00:21:07two hundred and seventy seven thousand eight hundred and forty eight kilometers per hour well that is
00:21:18jolly fast like you said yeah not as fast as uh the speed of light mind you but alas the air resistance
00:21:25alone will be enough to instantly vaporize any normal human being and actually these figures are a trifle
00:21:32optimistic because they don't take into account the fact that father christmas has to stop a billion
00:21:38times to deliver the actual presence that means constant acceleration deceleration not to mention
00:21:45going down all those chimneys and up them again it just stretches credibility even further doesn't it
00:21:50how does he do that especially when there is no chimney and given the fact that he is pun intended
00:21:56widely reported to be generously proportioned right yeah well um thank you stephen it's been really
00:22:04helpful that's not everything well it's enough to be getting on with so what else were you gonna say
00:22:11nothing really that was that was the nub please tell me well it's just that based on the lack of
00:22:19verifiable sightings and bona fide photographic evidence we have to conclude that father christmas does
00:22:26all this um while remaining completely invisible i'd like to go home now please yeah of course mate yeah um let's
00:22:41get you out
00:22:52excuse me chris um i just wanted to add that until 1903 and the wright brothers powered human flight
00:23:05was thought to be impossible but it wasn't we just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics
00:23:12and propulsion and three-axis steering we had to wait for the science to catch up and what i'm saying is
00:23:19all of that in there might not be impossible it might just be that we can't explain it not yet
00:23:27we have to wait until we can see the bigger picture oh and uh talking pictures i don't know i thought
00:23:38perhaps you might like to have this scary again i would oh look at that wow oh that is the best christmas
00:23:45present ever oh oh i feel a bit embarrassed now really there's no reason to be if i don't know no
00:23:58probably wouldn't have taken that
00:24:03have you taken anything else
00:24:15god uncle nicholas
00:24:26hello
00:24:37hello no
00:24:41no i i didn't say anything i promise
00:24:45in fact i said the exact opposite
00:24:46i was very careful
00:25:01Hey, I had a go at the doctor's.
00:25:15Yeah.
00:25:16No, it was good.
00:25:17Thanks.
00:25:18Yeah, no, they, um, they gave him a cream.
00:25:25Merry Christmas.
00:25:26Merry eczema.
00:25:27I just got it because of the, because of the rash.
00:25:57It was so like that.
00:25:58It was sweet, but it really, really big.
00:26:00I was so happy and I was so happy to have a kid.
00:26:03I had a really great year of being a fan of my friend.
00:26:06I was like, oh, I did not want to be a kid.
00:26:08But, my parents had a full day of my family.
00:26:10And I finally found my parents.
00:26:13You're like, oh, we're good.
00:26:14I've never had a bad day with this.
00:26:16I don't know, you're not, we're just you were good.
00:26:17You're like, oh, I'm crazy, right?
00:26:19You're like, oh, you're like, oh, you're good.
00:26:21You're like, oh, you're good.
00:26:23Good night, son.
00:26:36Night, Dad.
00:26:38Chris, I know you're disappointed, but...
00:26:41This doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.
00:26:44We can still do all the other stuff.
00:26:47Everything else will stay exactly the same.
00:26:49Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?
00:26:53Which comes to 934,177,215 households, so basically a billion.
00:27:11Basically a billion.
00:27:15We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
00:27:21The bigger picture.
00:27:23The bigger picture.
00:27:25The bigger picture.
00:30:58Professor Hannah Fry?
00:31:00Yeah?
00:31:02Relax, relax.
00:31:04We just want to ask you a couple of questions.
00:31:06Oh, you're doing a podcast.
00:31:08Oh, I love a podcast.
00:31:09We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.
00:31:13Oh, okay.
00:31:14No, I'm sorry.
00:31:15I cannot help you with that.
00:31:16Where did you get this?
00:31:26A journalist never reveals a journalist never reveals their source.
00:31:28A journalist never reveals their source.
00:31:28Stephen gave you this, didn't he?
00:31:30Yeah, 100%.
00:31:31Yeah.
00:31:32I'm not a journalist.
00:31:34He's such a blabbermouth.
00:31:35What else did he tell you?
00:31:36Nothing.
00:31:37I find that very difficult to believe.
00:31:38Well, we said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas to climb down cindies that aren't even there.
00:31:45It's just that we can't explain it yet.
00:31:48I mean, he can't explain it yet.
00:31:51Do you know that he failed O-level physics?
00:31:56Does that mean that you can explain it?
00:32:02Well, yeah.
00:32:02Of course I can explain it.
00:32:04It's just, you know.
00:32:05Yeah, you don't want to.
00:32:07Yeah, I don't want to.
00:32:08I mean, obviously she can.
00:32:10She just doesn't want to.
00:32:11I can't actually explain it, guys.
00:32:13No, I believe you.
00:32:15Professor?
00:32:15Excuse me.
00:32:16What are these fake air quotes?
00:32:17I'm an actual professor.
00:32:20Okay, Chris.
00:32:20Come on.
00:32:21Let's go.
00:32:22Oh, have you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?
00:32:25Okay.
00:32:25Yeah, somewhere.
00:32:26Okay, it's macroscopic quantum tunneling.
00:32:30Just remind me what that is again.
00:32:31Okay, so Father Christmas turns himself and his presents into a single quantum object,
00:32:36and that way he can pass through solid walls.
00:32:39Like a ghost.
00:32:40No, nothing like a ghost.
00:32:41This is the quantum world.
00:32:43It's where particles don't exist at a single point.
00:32:45They exist everywhere and nowhere all at once in like a cloud of probability that spreads
00:32:49through space.
00:32:51And that way a particle could be on the roof of a house, but it could also be inside a
00:32:57house underneath a Christmas tree.
00:32:59That's quantum tunneling.
00:33:01I see.
00:33:02Yeah.
00:33:03And how would you travel fast enough to be able to deliver all those presents in a single
00:33:08night?
00:33:08Well, he's using an alcoopier drive, right?
00:33:10He's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Minkowski space, and that way he doesn't need to feel
00:33:15any of the G-flosses.
00:33:22Okay, I forgot.
00:33:24Actually, I need to go.
00:33:27I've got a lecture to do.
00:33:28Sorry.
00:33:28How does he make himself turn invisible?
00:33:33That was weird.
00:33:48I know, right?
00:33:50Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?
00:33:53Before that, I mean.
00:33:56That photograph, it really put her on eggs.
00:34:00That's it?
00:34:01We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.
00:34:03That's what we're doing, Holly.
00:34:05You've got to call them.
00:34:06You've got to call them right now.
00:34:07How?
00:34:08We're going to have a number.
00:34:10Or a SIM card.
00:34:11Oh, sorry, mate.
00:34:13One second.
00:34:14Yeah, I'd better get this.
00:34:15This might be for me.
00:34:17Hello?
00:34:19Yeah, speaking.
00:34:22Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Adair in Pocock.
00:34:27How is it your number?
00:34:31No, ask her.
00:34:33Yeah, no, sorry, still here.
00:34:34She wants to meet.
00:34:52I'm not sure this is a good idea.
00:34:55Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.
00:34:58She wouldn't ask to meet in a place like this unless we were dangerously close to the truth.
00:35:04Is Father Christmas real?
00:35:29He's real?
00:35:31If you believe he's real.
00:35:32That's good enough for me.
00:35:33But my dad wants proof.
00:35:36What makes you think I can help?
00:35:46Ah, Stephen.
00:35:47He can't help himself.
00:35:50Have you met the other two?
00:35:52Professor Hannah Fry?
00:35:54But not Foxy.
00:35:55He's a hard man to find.
00:35:57You don't know where he is.
00:35:58I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.
00:36:01So, Hannah, what did you two discuss?
00:36:06Oh, just macroscopic quantum tunneling.
00:36:09It's how Father Christmas gets down the chimneys.
00:36:11Anything else?
00:36:13She touched on the, um, the Alan, Alan Cube, the, the Alan Cube.
00:36:19The Alcubierre drive.
00:36:21Yes, that's the one.
00:36:22And did it make sense?
00:36:25Well, I'd be lying if I showed you it all went in.
00:36:27Oh, but then, I've only predicted a breakthrough and she says she maps.
00:36:33It's not that complicated.
00:36:35Let's get that three up to a four.
00:36:37Rather than making Father Christmas travel to every household, the trick is to make every
00:36:42household travel to him.
00:36:44What is she doing?
00:36:47Who keeps a rug in the blue of her car?
00:36:50Now, imagine that this rug represents space and time, but all smooshed together.
00:36:55And it's running from one end of a room all the way to the other.
00:37:02Would you like to step inside the room?
00:37:03Ah, classic.
00:37:05She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.
00:37:07Now, conventionally, it would take a number of steps to get from one end to the other.
00:37:12But imagine if we could squish up a concertina space and time in front of you, like this.
00:37:21Okay, good.
00:37:22False alarm.
00:37:24Teacher's got to teach.
00:37:28So now, you can step from one end of the room to the other in a single step.
00:37:37And if I even date space and time behind you, like this.
00:37:45You've miraculously got from one end to the other.
00:37:48Wow.
00:37:50That actually makes sense.
00:37:59Well.
00:38:01You can relax.
00:38:02He doesn't know anything.
00:38:04In fact, I'm not even sure he knows that.
00:38:06Good.
00:38:09We have to be careful.
00:38:11The belief is strong with this one.
00:38:23Alcubier Drive.
00:38:25That's sort of like a magic carpet thing.
00:38:27No, the carpet was just a teacher aid.
00:38:31I don't know.
00:38:32It may take my seat, I guess.
00:38:36Oh, pizza.
00:38:49Oh, wait a minute.
00:38:50Yeah?
00:38:51When did you order pizza?
00:38:52Well, no, I didn't.
00:38:54So what are you doing?
00:38:56What's the point of having all this security if you're just going to open the door to anyone
00:39:01with a pizza?
00:39:02Well, I like pizza and I also haven't eaten since breakfast, so...
00:39:05Why?
00:39:07That's weird.
00:39:09He's opened up the pizza box but there isn't any pizza in it.
00:39:12There's just words.
00:39:13What do you mean?
00:39:15What words?
00:39:15It says, I am here on behalf of Jason Foxy Fock.
00:39:21Why not?
00:39:33Sorry.
00:39:34Sorry.
00:39:35My bad.
00:39:35He's telling me we don't have long, but you can talk to Foxy through me.
00:39:58Are you psychic?
00:39:59No.
00:40:00I have a microphone and a camera.
00:40:02Foxy can see us and hear us.
00:40:05Hello, Chris.
00:40:06Hello, Holly.
00:40:07It's Foxy here.
00:40:08I'm really sorry about the tight security, but I can't take no chances.
00:40:11Can't take no chances.
00:40:13They can't know where I am.
00:40:14Who's they?
00:40:15Father Christmas.
00:40:16And his organisation.
00:40:17Shall we feel?
00:40:18Yeah, mate.
00:40:19As real as I am standing right here.
00:40:22What do they want?
00:40:23Get that photograph out.
00:40:29That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.
00:40:35I thought it was going to be well boring stuck with them lot all night.
00:40:39But it turns out we had a lot in common.
00:40:41Like ideas about Father Christmas and how it is he can do what he does.
00:40:44You know, theoretically.
00:40:46We really got into it and was going to organise a convention and everything.
00:40:50And call it the science of Christmas.
00:40:53And use it to get children interested in the subject from a young age.
00:40:57Inspire future generations.
00:40:59We had publishers interested and television people.
00:41:02There was even talk of a podcast.
00:41:04What happened?
00:41:05Father Christmas.
00:41:06He shut us down.
00:41:07I'm not saying he did it personally.
00:41:09But he was definitely involved.
00:41:11What I think did you have?
00:41:12Active camouflage.
00:41:14It's what the big man uses to make himself invisible.
00:41:16His red jumpsuit is actually just an image of a red jumpsuit projected onto a flexible wearable OLED screen.
00:41:23Hidden cameras constantly film what is around him and then project that on the screen on the opposite side.
00:41:29It's like he's wrapped in a live feed of his immediate environment.
00:41:32It's the same technology James Bond used to make his car invisible in Die Another Day.
00:41:37Why didn't you see it?
00:41:39Exactly.
00:41:40Sorry.
00:41:41That's all I have time for.
00:41:43I've got to take a cake out of the oven.
00:41:45Wait.
00:41:49How do I find Father Christmas?
00:41:51You don't, soldier.
00:41:53That's what I've been trying to tell you.
00:41:55Steer clear.
00:41:56You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:41:58You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:42:00What's your habit?
00:42:01I You don't want to see meat.
00:42:02I'm a little 건ahan.
00:42:03That you are supposed to ever see or less.
00:42:04I'm a little bit
00:42:30I'll get it!
00:42:49Miss Georgina? Miss Bailey? How do I look?
00:42:53The gear and headlights.
00:42:55Come in!
00:43:00I'll get it!
00:43:08Deck the halls with bells up holly!
00:43:11Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:14Tis the season to be jolly!
00:43:16Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:19Fill the meat up, drain the barrel!
00:43:21Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:24Trill the ancient Christmas carrel!
00:43:26Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:29Follow me in merry measure!
00:43:32Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:35Fast away the old year passes!
00:43:37Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:40Hail the lonely lads and lasses!
00:43:42Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:45Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
00:43:48Fast away the old year passes!
00:43:51La-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la.
00:43:54La.
00:44:16I can explain.
00:44:17My letter to Father Christmas that I posted.
00:44:20I know.
00:44:21You know that it's a criminal offence
00:44:22to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed?
00:44:25I rescued it.
00:44:26For what?
00:44:28Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?
00:44:31Well, I know what's supposed to happen.
00:44:33They get sent to Father Christmas,
00:44:34so we know you've got presents to get.
00:44:36They get shredded.
00:44:38All of them.
00:44:39They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long thin strips,
00:44:44which are dumped into big red bins
00:44:46and then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry
00:44:47and taken to God knows where.
00:44:49So you don't know where?
00:44:52I know it's not the North Pole.
00:44:54How do you know?
00:44:55Because I do.
00:44:57You don't.
00:44:58You don't know.
00:44:59You just don't want to believe.
00:45:01You always think that everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:05Not everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:21So, Jojina, I'm not going to kill you today,
00:45:26but I'm not going to tell you what happened.
00:45:28How did you go?
00:45:28I'm going to kill you today.
00:45:29How did you get back to your Switch?
00:45:30Have you, Jojina?
00:45:31I can't come to the phone right now.
00:45:32So please leave a message.
00:45:34Hey, Jojina.
00:45:35It's Nick here.
00:45:36Nick.
00:45:38Massey, from the house opposite.
00:45:40Well, it's not really opposite, is it?
00:45:42It's more sort of, I'd say, 10 o'clock?
00:45:45It's definitely across the street.
00:45:47It doesn't matter.
00:45:49I'm just returning your call, basically,
00:45:51from April, I think it was,
00:45:55just to say that, yes,
00:46:00I'd really like to go for that drink.
00:46:02If the offer still stands.
00:46:05And that I'm free tonight.
00:46:08If that's not too rash.
00:46:16Nailed it.
00:46:17So letters to Father Christmas are shredded,
00:46:19put on that blue lorry, and then taken where?
00:46:22That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.
00:46:24Hiya.
00:46:39Yeah.
00:46:41Tonight sounds great.
00:46:43I think I can get to you for about 8 o'clock.
00:46:46So, yeah, I guess I'll see you then.
00:46:50Bye.
00:46:55Still good, it's...
00:46:57Oh, Chris, before we forget.
00:47:18There you go.
00:47:20You got me a using card?
00:47:24No.
00:47:25That's just the one I swallowed.
00:47:29You wait here.
00:47:30Where are you going?
00:47:31I have an idea.
00:47:32Knock, knock.
00:47:41Hey.
00:47:42Can I help you?
00:47:43I don't know.
00:47:44Can you?
00:47:46Well, not unless you tell me what it is you want.
00:47:48No.
00:47:48I'm, er...
00:47:53I'm here to see Father Christmas.
00:47:57Oh, yeah?
00:47:59Got an appointment?
00:48:01Do I need one?
00:48:04Does this look like the North Pole to you?
00:48:07Hmm?
00:48:08I don't know.
00:48:08I've never been.
00:48:10Yeah.
00:48:10Well, it's not.
00:48:12It's Milton Keynes.
00:48:14Now, clear off.
00:48:15Fair enough.
00:48:16Yep.
00:48:25Okay.
00:48:28Well?
00:48:29Yep.
00:48:30He is definitely in there.
00:48:32Father Christmas?
00:48:33How do you know?
00:48:35Women's institution, Chris.
00:48:39What now?
00:48:40Plan B.
00:48:47Problem.
00:48:48Knife, sir.
00:48:50Knife, pop up.
00:48:51Oh, shit.
00:49:21Are you sure this is going to work?
00:49:30I don't look anything like a security guard.
00:49:32Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.
00:49:41I know you've said you've done this before,
00:49:44but I suppose the question is, how many times?
00:49:47I really don't know. It's not like I can count.
00:49:49Like, less than a hundred more than once.
00:49:52You mean twice?
00:49:53Well, you know what they say, but I'm lucky.
00:49:56The first two times failed.
00:49:58Chris, now is really not the time for second thoughts, okay?
00:50:01Did you want to find out how far the Christmas is real or not?
00:50:03Well, yeah, but...
00:50:05Good, because there is a very small chance
00:50:07that he is on the other side of that wall.
00:50:09A very small chance?
00:50:10You say definitely.
00:50:12Definitely a very small chance.
00:50:14You just remember what I told you, yeah?
00:50:16Tuck and roll.
00:50:17You didn't tell me that.
00:50:18Well, I'm telling you now, aren't I?
00:50:20Tuck and roll.
00:50:21Okay, okay.
00:50:23Tuck and roll.
00:50:24Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:50:25Wait, wait.
00:50:30Aim for the minnows.
00:50:34Tuck and roll.
00:50:36I got it.
00:50:37I got it.
00:50:38Oh.
00:50:39It works.
00:51:01Stay right where you are.
00:51:24Oh, I'm so sorry, mate.
00:51:26I didn't realise you were one of us.
00:51:29Oh, yeah.
00:51:30Yeah, no, I am.
00:51:31Definitely.
00:51:36Hang on.
00:51:37I don't recognise you.
00:51:39Well, you must be new.
00:51:45That's right.
00:51:46Yeah, yeah, I am.
00:51:47I just, um, just trying to try again.
00:51:51Well, then how come you have a different uniform?
00:51:55Well, it must be from a different branch.
00:51:57Go on, then.
00:51:58Let's have a cup of tea.
00:51:59I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.
00:52:01Oh, no.
00:52:17Uncle Nicholas.
00:52:17Uncle Nicholas.
00:52:18I tried to talk him out of it.
00:52:20I swear.
00:52:20I really did.
00:52:21I really...
00:52:22Hey, you're all right.
00:52:22Hi.
00:52:23But he just, he wouldn't listen.
00:52:25He wouldn't listen.
00:52:26Holly, he said.
00:52:27That is very mature and incredibly level-headed advice.
00:52:30But I will.
00:52:31Oh, but I will fundamentally ignore it.
00:52:32Holly, Holly, slow down.
00:52:35What are you talking about?
00:52:36Where is Chris?
00:52:41No one can't.
00:52:43I don't know what I'm going to do.
00:52:45I'm out of ideas.
00:52:47I mean, he's 16 years old and he still believes in Father Christmas.
00:52:50I think that's good.
00:52:52I don't.
00:52:53I think he's sad and pathetic.
00:52:56He's becoming more and more like his dad each day.
00:52:58At least he believes in something.
00:53:01A lot of people don't.
00:53:03I mean, I don't know.
00:53:04I'm not his parent.
00:53:05You are.
00:53:06But I am his teacher.
00:53:08And what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious and who shows initiative.
00:53:15Those are all good qualities.
00:53:23And thanks for coming tonight.
00:53:26This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.
00:53:28Listen up, everyone.
00:53:31This is Chris.
00:53:33He just transferred in.
00:53:34All right, Chris.
00:53:35Hiya.
00:53:35Chris, this is Danny.
00:53:37Where were you before?
00:53:38Swinging.
00:53:40That's Frank.
00:53:42I didn't know we had an office in Swingham.
00:53:44They wouldn't tell us if they did.
00:53:46You got that.
00:53:47Right.
00:53:48Angela.
00:53:49Hi.
00:53:49Come on, then.
00:53:51I'll show you around the kitchen.
00:53:52So that's Robbo, Big Gen and teabag.
00:53:55Cup of tea, Chris.
00:53:56No, no, no.
00:54:14No, children.
00:54:16I need a girlfriend first.
00:54:17Oh, sorry, Chris.
00:54:20Go ahead.
00:54:21This is good.
00:54:21So, all go back.
00:54:23Yeah.
00:54:23You haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to on your house, have you?
00:54:26Over.
00:54:27No, what kind?
00:54:28Over.
00:54:29I've got a gentleman here.
00:54:30This is a lad Trump leaned over the back wall earlier on tonight.
00:54:33Over.
00:54:34No, sorry.
00:54:38Hang on a minute.
00:54:41Chris?
00:54:43Yeah?
00:54:45You were around the back earlier.
00:54:47See anything that looked like a young lad?
00:54:50No, no.
00:54:51You're all back from Finkel.
00:54:53Sorry, mate.
00:54:54Can't help you.
00:54:54Over and out.
00:54:57Is the toilet...
00:54:58Oh, it's just out there, second on the left.
00:55:04It's a good kid.
00:55:06Settling in very nicely.
00:55:07Where is he?
00:55:21Where is he?
00:55:21Tis- thereby?
00:55:24There was no hole in the konkret aspect.
00:55:24What?
00:55:32No, no, no.
00:55:34It's there.
00:55:34Oh, you too.
00:55:35I'm not supposed to do anything for that.
00:55:36Maybe why?
00:55:36No, yes.
00:55:37Let's not do this.
00:55:40Stop.
00:57:41Sorry.
00:57:42Remember, you have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.
00:57:48I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:50Speak up!
00:57:52I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:54I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.
00:57:57It won't happen again.
00:57:59I promise.
00:58:12Right.
00:58:12Off you go.
00:58:13Poor old Ruprecht.
00:58:22His heart's in the right place.
00:58:24And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.
00:58:27He takes care of that part of the business, and that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.
00:58:32Which is a random way of saying, I have no idea who you are, why you're here, why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.
00:58:39I did.
00:58:41And I'm Chris, by the way.
00:58:43Right.
00:58:44Do you have the letter on you?
00:58:46Yes, I do.
00:58:48Here.
00:58:49Oh.
00:58:50Right.
00:58:54Let me guess.
00:58:56Wireless headphones.
00:58:58A hoodie.
00:58:59A black Nam Doze card.
00:59:06All you want for Christmas is for your dad to believe in Father Christmas.
00:59:11He doesn't think to exist.
00:59:14Tell me, Chris.
00:59:16It is Chris, isn't it?
00:59:17Have you, uh, have you ever seen a magic trick?
00:59:32Were you amazed?
00:59:34I was.
00:59:39Now, what do you think would have happened if the magician had explained the trick to you first?
00:59:44It wouldn't feel like magic.
00:59:47Well, that's the approach we like to take here.
00:59:51Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there, the skeptics, the non-believers.
00:59:57It makes it more special for the children and those that do believe.
01:00:01And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?
01:00:04Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.
01:00:08A hundred years ago, the science I had, it was a thousand years ahead of anyone.
01:00:13A decade ago, only a century, and now it's getting closer.
01:00:17The gap is closing fast.
01:00:20The inexorable march of progress.
01:00:21Those people in the photograph, I'm sure they had good intentions, but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.
01:00:31And that would have ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.
01:00:34But we had to step in.
01:00:36Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad that I'm real and that you were right.
01:00:44But I need to ask you a favor.
01:00:51I need you to keep all of this a secret.
01:00:55You know, to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.
01:01:01Do you think you could do that for me?
01:01:06Well, I can't really say no to Father Christmas, can I?
01:01:11Well, what can I get you instead?
01:01:18How about an air fryer?
01:01:19I've had a run on those.
01:01:22No.
01:01:24I know what I want.
01:01:26Oh.
01:01:41Oh.
01:01:42With your science teacher?
01:01:43No, I don't...
01:01:44No, not for me.
01:01:45Oh.
01:01:54Well.
01:01:58It's a little outside my remit, but...
01:02:01I'll see what I can do.
01:02:03I'll see what I can do.
01:02:33You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?
01:02:48For either of you.
01:02:49You know, I wouldn't say this out loud, but, um...
01:03:17I was really proud of the way you kept going back there.
01:03:25Now, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you...
01:03:29You showed real determination.
01:03:34She loved Christmas.
01:03:48Not as much as you, obviously.
01:03:50But it was definitely her favourite time of year.
01:03:56You know, I think part of the reason why you wanted to still believe in Father Christmas was because of that.
01:04:03Because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated, it's as if...
01:04:13To believe in Father Christmas was to keep the memory of her alive.
01:04:18But you'll never forget her.
01:04:23She'll always be here.
01:04:26And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?
01:04:29Yeah.
01:04:29Eh?
01:04:30We'll, er...
01:04:30We'll open presents and...
01:04:33Pull crackers.
01:04:34Put up decorations.
01:04:36Cook a goose.
01:04:37Pretend we like Christmas pudding.
01:04:38The works.
01:04:39Thanks, Dad.
01:04:41Not lucky, sir.
01:04:46Dad.
01:04:47Hmm?
01:04:49I also think that part of the reason that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas...
01:04:57Was because of Mum as well.
01:05:00Huh?
01:05:00Almost as if...
01:05:04I don't know, because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated that...
01:05:10If I still believed in Father Christmas, then...
01:05:15It would just be...
01:05:17Too hard for you to move on.
01:05:19For the rest of your life.
01:05:23But you can.
01:05:28You're not going to forget her.
01:05:30That's an interesting call.
01:05:45Come on, mate.
01:05:46Come on, Dad.
01:05:56Oh...
01:05:57Oh...
01:05:58Come on, Dad.
01:05:59Boo!
01:06:00I am going to forget her.
01:07:01How on earth did you get up there?
01:07:04I don't know. It's a Christmas miracle.
01:07:07Yeah, well, as long as it wasn't that trampoline again.
01:07:10Anyway, come on. That goose isn't going to cook itself.
01:07:12Come on.
01:07:16Merry Christmas.
01:07:32Transcription by CastingWords
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