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Burns and Allen were an American comedy duo consisting of George Burns and his wife Gracie Allen. They worked together as a successful comedy team that entertained vaudeville, film, radio, and television audiences for over forty years.
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00:00Another cup of Maxwell House coffee, George?
00:02Sure, pour me a cup, Gracie.
00:04You know, Maxwell House is always good to the last...
00:07drop.
00:08That drop's good, too.
00:11Yes, it's Maxwell House coffee time, starring George Burns and Gracie Allen.
00:30With yours truly, Bill Goodwin, the music of Meredith Wilson and his orchestra, Gail Gordon, and our happy postman, Mel Blanc.
00:39For your Thursday night comedy enjoyment, it's George and Gracie.
00:42And for your everyday coffee-drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House.
00:46The coffee that gives you so much more for so little more, that it's bought and enjoyed by more people than any other brand of coffee in the world.
00:54Yes, Maxwell House, expertly blended and radiant roasted for rich, mellow, extra flavor.
01:02Maxwell House, the coffee that's always good to the last drop.
01:16Have last month's bills arrived at your house yet?
01:19Or does your husband still speak to you?
01:21Well, when I dropped by the Burns house this morning, Gracie was wondering how to break the bad news to George.
01:26Oh, Bill, I'll have to get George in an awfully good humor before I let him see these Christmas bills.
01:32How can I do it?
01:33Well, let's see.
01:35Oh, hey, wearing one of those slinky lace negligees ought to please George.
01:38Oh, no, he'd look terrible in it.
01:42Gracie, I meant for you to wear it, not George.
01:45Put the bills on the table and stand beside them in your negligee.
01:48It'll never work, Bill.
01:49We've been married too long.
01:51What do you mean?
01:53Well, he'll notice the way the bills are stacked, not me.
01:59Oh, you're wrong, Gracie.
02:00If George has got an ounce of blood in his veins, he'll...
02:04Yeah, I see what you mean.
02:06Well, I guess there's just no way that a wife can present her husband with a bill and make him like it.
02:11Not true, Gracie.
02:12My mother did it and father was happy as a lark.
02:14Well, she must have presented him with an awfully little bill.
02:17No, I weighed eight and a half pounds.
02:21Now, you know the kind of bills I mean.
02:23Now, come on, help me think of something.
02:26Well, maybe you could put George in a good humor by fixing his favorite food.
02:30That's right.
02:31The way to his heart is through his chest.
02:34No, no, it's through his stomach.
02:36You slipped up.
02:36It's through his chest.
02:37That slipped down.
02:38Well, anyway, Gracie, what does the little man like to eat?
02:44Well, he adores hot biscuits.
02:46You know, he's still got the first biscuit I made after we were married.
02:50Really?
02:51He saves funny things.
02:52Yeah.
02:53He's also got the first tooth he lost after we were married.
02:56Why does he save the tooth?
02:57He can't get it out of the biscuit.
03:02I see.
03:03Of course, I can make wonderful biscuits now.
03:06George just drools when...
03:09Say, I've got a great idea.
03:11I'll fold the bills up real small and bake them inside the biscuits.
03:15Oh, then when he takes a bite, he'll discover the bill.
03:17Right.
03:18With a mouthful of biscuit, he won't be able to scream so loud.
03:21Well, it's a screwy idea, Gracie, but it might work.
03:24Oh, anything to soften the blow for my darling George.
03:27You really love that little schnook, don't you, Gracie?
03:30Oh, yes, Bill.
03:32When they made George, they broke the mold.
03:35Well, better late than never.
03:37So long, Gracie.
03:38I hope your plan works.
03:48There.
03:49The biscuits are done.
03:50Now, let's see.
03:51This one has the May Company bill in it.
03:53This one has a Saks bill.
03:55This one is the Broadway.
03:56And this one...
03:57Uh-oh.
03:57Here comes George.
03:58I'd better soften him up with a little flattery before lunch.
04:03Hello, Gracie.
04:05Oh, Georgie boy, you're home from school.
04:12From school?
04:13Oh, forgive me, dear.
04:14You look so young.
04:15I always think of you as going to high school.
04:21I don't look like I go to high school.
04:24College, maybe.
04:25Ah, your handsome face is ageless.
04:29Your noble brow.
04:30Your classic features.
04:32They look like they belong on a Greek statue.
04:36Gracie.
04:37Sometimes I'd swear your head was made of marble.
04:44Well, old marble head is hungry.
04:47Hey, you got biscuits?
04:49Yeah, try one.
04:50Okay.
04:50Okay.
04:52Mmm.
04:53Boy, that was good.
04:55You swallowed the whole thing?
04:58Yeah.
04:59Well, that takes care of the May Company.
05:06Huh?
05:06They can't send a collector after that one.
05:10What are you talking about?
05:11Oh, nothing.
05:12Here, try the Broadway.
05:13I mean, have another biscuit.
05:14I'll break this open and put some butter up.
05:19There's a piece of paper in here.
05:20Uh-huh.
05:21There's one in each of the biscuits.
05:23Oh, I get it.
05:25Like the Chinese tea rooms.
05:27My fortune isn't these biscuits.
05:33You're so right.
05:35Well, I'll open all of them.
05:36Yes, dear.
05:37And I'll run and get you the ice bag.
05:38Ice bag?
05:39I feel fine.
05:40I don't need any ice bag.
05:41Just pass me those biscuits.
05:42How does the ice bag feel, darling?
05:57Okay.
05:58Here.
05:59I buttered some more aspirin for you.
06:02You buttered the aspirin?
06:04Well, as long as you were eating it like popcorn,
06:06I thought I might as well butter it.
06:09Gracie, look at that stack of bells.
06:11How could you buy that many Christmas presents?
06:14Where did you find them?
06:15Oh, I just opened up my charge account and there they were.
06:19And you figured I'd, uh, I'd pay for all of them.
06:24Yeah, yeah.
06:24I get stuttered bills are in my mouth.
06:26Here's that paper.
06:28Well, you're out of luck.
06:30I'm going to stop being the goose that lays the golden eggs.
06:32You mean you're going to stop telling jokes on the radio?
06:35Never mind.
06:36Now listen to me, young lady.
06:37I'm going to tell you a thing or two.
06:39From now on...
06:40Hello, all.
06:40Oh, hello, Meredith.
06:42Meredith, what would you do if the person you married spent money like a drunken sailor?
06:48Well, in the first place, I would never marry a drunken sailor.
06:54Uh, Meredith.
06:55So at one time, I was quite friendly with a sober wave.
07:00She picked me up one night at the Palladium.
07:03She picked you up?
07:05Yes, I fell down while attempting to jitterbug and she picked me up.
07:10Meredith, um, I want you to hear...
07:12Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it, that wave had me in the backseat of a taxi.
07:18During the war, I was a sucker for a uniform.
07:21Oh, Meredith, you didn't even know her.
07:23I know, Gracie, but I felt that I should be kind to her.
07:26After all, she'd been fighting for me.
07:31Look, Meredith.
07:32But no sooner were we alone than she became quite amorous.
07:37Oh, she wasn't to blame.
07:39I was attractive and she'd been at sea for a long time.
07:42Meredith, when you came in, I asked you one simple question.
07:52All I want you to do is answer that.
07:55Gladly, George.
07:56Would you state the question again?
07:58What would you do if the person you married spent money like a drunken sailor?
08:03Well, in the first place, I would never marry a drunken sailor.
08:06Look, Meredith.
08:07Though at one time, I was quite friendly with a...
08:09Goodbye, Meredith.
08:11The Missouri Waltz.
08:37You know, Meredith, it may be 1947, but music like that makes me think that underneath it all, I'm still an old-fashioned guy.
08:44Because you like it?
08:45No need to apologize for that, Bill.
08:48Liking waltzes has always been in the very best American tradition, and it still is.
08:52With old favorites like the Missouri Waltz jingling the jukeboxes today from Seattle to Scranton.
08:57Yes, like sparking your girl on a Saturday night, the Waltz has been tested by time and never found wanting.
09:03Grandfather was swinging his partner in Waltz time when bustles and high-button shoes were the height of fashion.
09:10And a hundred years from now, you can bet that the waltz will still be expressing the romance and sentimental gaiety that have always belonged to our American scene.
09:19Makes me think how Maxwell House coffee truly belongs to the American scene, too.
09:24Here in America, we've actually made coffee a national drink.
09:29And more people buy and enjoy Maxwell House than any other brand of coffee at any price.
09:35It's Maxwell House wherever you go.
09:38Flavor explains this nationwide preference.
09:41The rich, full-bodied Maxwell House flavor that results from the masterful blending of these premium Latin American coffees.
09:48Manizales for mellowness.
09:54Medellins for richness.
10:01Other choice coffees for vigor.
10:09And Bucaramangas for full body.
10:18All adding up to great coffee at the peak of flavorful goodness.
10:23Friends, why not know the very best in coffee-drinking pleasure?
10:27You can for just a fraction of a penny more per cup than you'd pay for the cheapest coffee sold.
10:33Just make yours Maxwell House.
10:36Always good to the last drop.
10:39Gracie, suppose you start explaining these Christmas bells.
11:00Who got this $25 hat?
11:03Oh, I gave that to Clara Bagley.
11:04I've decided to break up our friendship.
11:06Then why did you give her an expensive hat?
11:10Well, I have one exactly like it.
11:12And when she sees me with it on, then she'll stop speaking to me.
11:16There must be cheaper ways to lose a friend.
11:20Here's a bill for a bushel of nuts delivered to San Francisco.
11:24Who'd you send those to?
11:25My mother.
11:26That was your own suggestion, dear.
11:28Every time I said, what'll we send mother, you said nuts to her.
11:36I should give your mother a bushel of nuts.
11:40What'd she ever give me?
11:41She gave you me?
11:43I'm as good as at nuts.
11:47You can say that again.
11:49I'd rather not.
11:50I didn't like the way it sounded.
11:52And you got this chromium chair with the plastic seat for who?
11:56Oh, my brother Willie.
11:57He's building his own house with a GI loan, and he's crazy about antique furniture.
12:03A chromium and plastic chair isn't antique.
12:06It will be by the time the house is built.
12:10How about this necklace?
12:11Who got that?
12:12My sister Bessie.
12:13She needed it to hide her appendicitis scar.
12:20Uh, on her neck?
12:23An appendicitis scar is on the stomach.
12:24I know, but Bessie was so ticklish, they had...
12:26But they had operate up the SIC.
12:27You made that up.
12:34Well, I was just trying to amuse you.
12:37Well, I'm not amused.
12:38Those relatives of yours are costing me a fortune.
12:41Here's a bill for a pair of earrings.
12:42Oh, well, now, don't scream about those, George.
12:45I bought those for one of your relatives.
12:47Who?
12:47Your wife.
12:48I might have known.
12:55Do you, do you, uh, what do you expect me to do about these bills?
12:58Write out checks for them.
12:59Here, here's the special fountain pen you use for paying bills.
13:03Special fountain pen for paying bills?
13:04Yes, it writes under protest.
13:08Well, I got news for you, kid.
13:10I can't pay these bills.
13:11Why not?
13:12Because there's not enough money in the bank.
13:13Oh, don't be silly.
13:14It says right on the window of the bank there's over $12 million in there.
13:20I mean, there's not enough money in my account.
13:23And if you overdraw your account, you can be put in jail.
13:26Oh, dear.
13:27Well, don't you worry.
13:29I'll, I'll figure out some way to settle those bills.
13:40Well, George, everything is fine.
13:42The Christmas bills are paid.
13:43Really?
13:44What did you do?
13:45I used my head.
13:46You said the bank could put you in jail if you overdraw your account.
13:50That's right.
13:51So I wrote the checks myself.
13:56What?
13:57Well, they can't put me in jail.
13:58I haven't got an account there.
14:01Oh, no.
14:03Gracie, it's even worse to write checks when you have no account at all.
14:06Now they'll put you in jail.
14:08You mean I'm a juvenile delinquent?
14:10You'll be worse unless you get those checks back.
14:14But the checks are in the mail.
14:16Well, then you're just out of luck.
14:18Oh, look.
14:18Here comes the postman.
14:19He can save me.
14:21He can get those checks out of the mail.
14:22Good afternoon, Missy Byrne.
14:28Here's your mail.
14:29Oh, Mr. Postman, I'm in terrible trouble.
14:32And you're the one who can help me.
14:34Oh, I love to help damsels in distress.
14:39Just as your gal had rescued Guinevere from the dragon, I will rescue you.
14:45Is your husband a dragon?
14:48A little, but he's tired.
14:54Uh, yes.
14:57How can I help you, Mrs. Byrne?
14:59Well, by mistake, I put some bad checks in the mail, and I want you to get them for me.
15:04Oh, I dare not tamper with the mail.
15:06But, Mr. Postman, if I don't get those checks back, I'll go to jail.
15:10What if your wife were in a spot like this?
15:13You wouldn't let her go to jail?
15:14Oh, you say such humorous things, Mrs. Byrne.
15:23Oh, please, can't you think of some way I can get those checks?
15:27Your only chance is to stop them when they come through the bank.
15:30Oh, well, do you know anyone who works at the bank?
15:33Not now.
15:34My wife, Bertha, worked in the escrow department when I married her.
15:38Now, I guess they just call it the S department.
15:41Why?
15:42I took away the crow.
15:44Mr. Postman, that gives me an idea.
15:49I'll go down and get a job at the bank myself,
15:51and then I can grab those checks when they come through.
15:54Well, good luck, Mrs. Byrne, and remember, keep smiling.
16:08How do you do?
16:09Are you Mr. Vandalip, the president of this bank?
16:12I am.
16:12Well, um, I wonder if you'd do something for me.
16:15I suppose you'd like me to authorize you alone.
16:18I would not.
16:19Just because I'm alone, don't think you can authorize me.
16:24Madam.
16:25Do I look like the sort of a girl who can be authorized?
16:29But I didn't have...
16:30And you won't.
16:31I didn't come in here to be insulted.
16:35But all authorized.
16:38Believe me, I meant no harm.
16:40What is the nature of your business?
16:42Oh, well, I'd like a job in your bank.
16:44I see.
16:45In what department?
16:46Uh, how about the check room?
16:52Check room?
16:53I want to get my hands on some checks.
16:55I mean, I like to handle checks.
16:58At what bank were you previously employed?
17:00Uh...
17:01Naturally, I can check your record at any bank in the United States.
17:05Uh, I worked at the Bank of England.
17:11Bank of England?
17:12Pip-pip.
17:12Were you a teller?
17:17Not me.
17:17I jolly well kept my mouth shut.
17:23Madam, I do not believe you were employed by the Bank of England.
17:26You don't, huh?
17:26Well, just ask me some banking questions.
17:28Very well.
17:29What would you do in the case of an overdraft?
17:31Close the transom.
17:36Next question.
17:38Suppose we cease this masquerade.
17:40You obviously know nothing whatever about banking.
17:43Then I don't get the job?
17:44No.
17:45In that case, put up your hands.
17:47What?
17:48This is a hold-up.
17:49You have no gun.
17:51Oh.
17:51Well, let's get back to the job.
17:55Look, I'm a busy man.
17:58What is this all about?
17:59Well, I've got to recover some checks I wrote on this bank.
18:02You see, I haven't got an account here, and my husband says I'll go to jail.
18:05And so you will, unless something is done.
18:08Perhaps I could authorize you a loan.
18:09There you go again.
18:12Madam.
18:13When you get a girl alone, that's all you think about, authorizing.
18:19Madam.
18:20Man, it's your age.
18:23Madam.
18:24Please.
18:25Never.
18:25Never.
18:34I'd rather go to jail.
18:36Goodbye, you, you, you old authorizer.
18:39No.
18:44One of the most familiar melodies on the American scene, among my souvenirs.
18:49Meredith Wilson and his music.
18:51einem Winger.
18:53One of the most familiar Mandy's music.
18:54Where are you.
18:55Once you're put in your memory.
18:56I'm a kid.
18:56Haven't youe!
18:57One of the most familiar melodies on this island?
18:59Well, I want to keep it on.
19:00experi.
19:01VO
20:49You'll lend me a hundred dollars to go with it.
20:51Oh, glad to lend you a hundred.
20:53Uh, how about collateral?
20:55Why, Mr. Vandalev, I've never, I've never needed collateral.
20:59I've gotten where I am today on my face.
21:03I believe you.
21:06Shows considerable wear and tear.
21:09Well, all I need is a hundred.
21:11I'll pay you back right away.
21:13Why, a man like me can make a hundred in no time.
21:15I'm sorry, Mr. Burns.
21:17Oh, Mr. Vandalev.
21:18Yes, Mr. Goodwin.
21:19Oh, hello, Bill.
21:20Say, Bill, tell Mr. Vandalev how quick I can make a hundred.
21:24Oh, no time at all, Mr. Vandalev.
21:26His next birthday ought to do it.
21:31Oh, fine.
21:32Uh, Mr. Vandalev, I'm about to make a withdrawal from my safe deposit box.
21:36May I have the usual three armed guards?
21:38Of course, Mr. Goodwin.
21:40Say, Bill, you must have a fortune in that box.
21:43Oh, I have.
21:45Could I, uh, could you lend me a little?
21:48Oh, sure, George, all you want.
21:50Uh, all right, guards, put the box down right here.
21:55Boy.
21:56I'll open it.
22:04There.
22:05Uh, now, George, how many pounds do you want?
22:09Pounds?
22:10Bill, what have you got in there?
22:11Maxwell House coffee, of course.
22:15What do you think I'd keep in a safe deposit box?
22:17Junk like diamonds and money?
22:20Well, I made it.
22:20Maxwell House is rich, delicious, mellow.
22:24The result of careful selection and blending of choice Latin American coffees,
22:28radiant roasted to perfection.
22:30More people buy and enjoy Maxwell House than any other brand of coffee in the world.
22:34But, Bill, what I need is money.
22:36George, what good is money?
22:38Can money buy happiness?
22:40No.
22:41Can money buy contentment?
22:43No.
22:44Can money buy a new car?
22:46No.
22:46No.
22:50But it can keep Gracie out of jail.
22:53Out of jail?
22:54Yeah.
22:55She wrote some bad checks, and unless I deposit some money for her, she'll go to jail.
22:59So you can see why I need more than coffee.
23:01Oh, you're not kidding.
23:02You need donuts, too.
23:08Huh?
23:08If Gracie goes to jail, you're going to starve.
23:12Bill, I don't need any donuts.
23:14Oh, you're right, George.
23:15Yes.
23:15Maxwell House is delicious all by itself.
23:18Why, it's the very best in coffee drinking pleasure, yet it costs but a fraction of a
23:22penny more per cup than the cheapest coffee you can buy.
23:24That's why so many millions of Americans insist on Maxwell House.
23:28These days, they know today's coffee buy is Maxwell House, the coffee that's always good
23:33to the last drop.
23:34Well, okay, if you don't want to lend me the money.
23:36I'll lend you the money.
23:37Here, help yourself.
23:38Take all you want.
23:39Gee, thanks, Bill.
23:40Now, Gracie won't have to go to jail.
23:42Good.
23:43Hey, just to teach her not to sign her name to any more checks, I'll let her think she
23:48is going to jail.
23:49Well, George, that's cruel and inhuman.
23:51Well, it's just to scare her.
23:53Well, after she's learned her lesson, I'll take her in my arms and give her a big kiss.
23:57But, George, that's cruel and inhuman.
24:03So long, comic.
24:04So long.
24:13So that's it, Gracie.
24:15You've broken the law, and now you must pay the penalty.
24:19Pretty soon, a detective will come and get you.
24:21Oh, I hope it's Humphrey Bogart.
24:23I mean a real policeman.
24:26And then you'll have to go down and appear with the district attorney.
24:30Wonderful.
24:30I've always wanted to be on that program.
24:34Gracie, you're not taking this seriously.
24:37There'll be a trial with the judge and the jury, and you on the witness stand.
24:41Do you realize what it means to be cross-examined?
24:44Oh, sure.
24:44I cross my legs, and the jury examines them.
24:47Gracie, stop joking about this.
24:54You know where you'll wind up?
24:57To Hachapi.
24:58Gesundheit.
25:02I didn't sneeze.
25:03I said to Hachapi.
25:05To whatchapi?
25:07To Hachapi.
25:08That's where women go who make mistakes.
25:10Oh, I thought they went to Reno.
25:14Gracie, to Hachapi is a woman's prison.
25:17And take it from me, that's where you're headed.
25:19Are you serious, George?
25:21Am I really going to prison?
25:23You bet.
25:24When you commit a crime, they send you up the river.
25:26Oh, but it was such a small crime.
25:28Couldn't they just send me up the creek?
25:32No.
25:32Well, how long will they keep me there, George?
25:35About 30 years.
25:3630 years?
25:38My goodness, when I get out, I'll be in my 40s.
25:43Yeah, easily.
25:44Well, you'll come see me on Visitor's Day, won't you?
25:47Every Thursday.
25:48Oh, well, I'll look forward to those moments.
25:50I'll put my hands through the bars and run my fingers through your hair.
25:54Yeah.
25:55Let it grow long and hide a file in it.
25:59Nothing doing.
26:00You'll stay there.
26:00And I hope it teaches you never to sign your name to another check as long as you live.
26:04Oh, it will, George.
26:0630 years in prison.
26:08Yeah.
26:08To Hatchipi.
26:09Gesundheit.
26:10Oh.
26:11That's where I'm going.
26:13Well, there are a few last things I want to do before they take me away.
26:18Wait here for me, sweetheart.
26:19Okay.
26:21Poor kid.
26:22I'm really teaching her a lesson.
26:30Well, I'm back, dear.
26:33All my errands are done.
26:34Hey, what's in those packages?
26:36Well, you said I was going to prison, and they wear nothing but stripes there, so I went
26:40to Magnus and got a lovely striped suit and striped dresses and striped bags.
26:44Gracie, you didn't.
26:45Well, sure, so I'd look my best.
26:46If I must go to prison, I don't want to disgrace you.
26:51Gracie.
26:51I'll be the belle of the cell.
26:57How did you pay for those things?
26:59With a check.
27:00But you promised you'd never sign your name to another check.
27:04You said you'd learned your lesson.
27:06I did learn my lesson.
27:07This time I signed your name.
27:09Oh, no.
27:13Oh.
27:30Join us again next week when we'll all be back.
27:36George Burns, Gracie Allen, Meredith Wilson and his orchestra, and yours truly, Bill Goodwin.
27:42The George Burns and Gracie Allen show is written by Paul Henning and Keith Fowler.
27:46Until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's
27:51number one preferred brand of coffee.
27:54All was good to the last draft.
27:56Well, Gracie, now you've really done it.
27:58Signing my name was forgery.
28:00Is that bad?
28:01You're just heading in one direction, kid.
28:03To Hatchipi.
28:04Gesundheit.
28:04Gesundheit.
28:05I knew that.
28:05Good night, everybody.
28:22And now stay tuned in for Noah Webster Says, which follows immediately over most of these
28:27stations.
28:31You like log cabin syrup for that old-time flavor.
28:38For log cabin syrup does your pancakes a favor.
28:42A delicate blend of maple and cane.
28:43Serve it once.
28:44You want it again and again.
28:45You bet you will.
28:47What a wonderful breakfast thrill.
28:49Is log cabin syrup in the morning?
28:52Yes, log cabin is America's most popular maple blended syrup.
28:56With sugar short, the supply is limited.
28:58But you'll never get it if you never ask for it.
29:01Log cabin syrup in the morning.
29:04I'm glad label stupid.
29:05Go carries.
29:07Whatever.
29:08Whoa.
29:08Slowly hut.
29:09twice.
29:09Thanks, citoy 65 ground.
29:23무슨 silliness.
29:23I'm glad you're headed if you never ask for it.
29:28This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
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