That Mitchell and Webb Look - Season 4 Episode 03
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00:00Hi. Jamie. Hi. Mark Waite, Sunday Times. Yeah, we spoke on the phone. Good to meet you.
00:22Okay, so you've got ten minutes with him. Fine. Obviously, he's promoting the new album,
00:25and that really is all he wants to talk about. Ah. So he won't be taking any questions about the
00:29stuff he did back in the 60s. Right. Only, I was going to ask him a few things about...
00:34Yeah, I know what you're going to say, but Neil really has been very explicit about this.
00:38If you go off topic, he will terminate the interview. He's very serious about the new album.
00:43Yeah, but the thing is that most of our readers will be more familiar with him as the first
00:48man on the moon. Whatever he did previously, Neil is now a singer-songwriter. Okay, fair
00:58but he hasn't stopped being the first man on the moon. Are you going to be unhelpful?
01:03I'm not. Look, I've listened to the new album, and it's not bad for an astronaut, I suppose.
01:09He's a singer-songwriter. How many times? Sorry, if I asked a thousand people who Neil Armstrong was,
01:14I reckon that approximately all 1,000 of them would say he was the first man on the moon.
01:19Actually, no, you're wrong, because I'd say he's a singer-songwriter. Okay, imagine I'm an alien who's
01:25just landed. You're not tricking me into space talk. I'm not trying to. Oh, God. Imagine I'm
01:31someone who's so breathtakingly out of touch that I'm not sure who Neil Armstrong is, and I said to you,
01:37Jamie, can you remind me who's Neil Armstrong? What exactly would you say?
01:42What I'd say, yeah? He was the first singer-songwriter on the moon.
01:54You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System. The alert state is unknown, presumed black.
02:00It's 2600 hours, and time for the quiz broadcast.
02:11Hello, good evening, and remain indoors. Welcome to the second and final hour of broadcasting for this
02:17week. Let's start by welcoming back last week's lucky runners-up, Peter and Sheila, and last week's
02:23unlucky winner, Maltesers. Such a shame that that prize turned out to be contaminated.
02:32So, Peter and Sheila, you're through to the next round.
02:35Will there be food? I ate my watch. Yes, of course. It's two weeks since the last of the food
02:42parcels was distributed, but that means it's all to play for, because who knows, one of tonight's
02:47prices might be food. They keep us alive for their sport. So, let's start with the odd one out round.
02:56Fingers on buzzers. Which of these is the odd one out? A ceremonial helmet. The last child.
03:06President butterfly. And the event.
03:10Could we eat Maltesers? I'm pretty sure that's against the regulations.
03:19Blessed be the regulations. Come on. A helmet. The last child. President butterfly. And the event.
03:27Think about it. Except the event. Don't think about the event.
03:30Uh, is it the event? Yes, the event is the odd one out of course, because it destroyed the other three.
03:42So, so let's move on to our headline round, featuring this week's guest publication, The Newspaper.
03:50Sheila and Peter, your headline is Oomsday.
03:53What was Oomsday? Was it between Tuesday and birthday?
04:01The air filtration system has failed. It's happening again.
04:05Ah, that sound means that's all we've got time for.
04:08Yes, yes, the regulations. I can hear them in the chat.
04:11Well, it seems we're having some technical problems. So, while you remain indoors and we send
04:18Sheila off to be voltage calm, here's some music.
04:27It's no use, Gilbert. Ever since the critical failure of our last operator, I feel completely bereft of ideas.
04:32I just don't know what the public wants anymore.
04:33Fear not, Sullivan. This morning, as I was making my motions, an idea came to me fully formed. HMS Pinafore 2.
04:42HMS Pinafore 2? HMS Pinafore as well? I don't understand.
04:47People all love Pinafore, right? So we just do it again, with a twist.
04:50Yes. How? What?
04:52We set it amongst the stars. I like that. It's modern.
04:56On a ship that travels amongst the stars. A starship?
05:00On a mission of great enterprise. Will this include a case of humorous mistaken identity?
05:03Of course. It's brilliant. Where's my quill?
05:10Captain, you are passionate, but I am very logical.
05:13The differences between us are much more than biological. A truce with the Klingons?
05:18Are you mad? You must be mad. I'm going to the transporter room.
05:28They hate it. They really hate it.
05:33Where are the tunes?
05:34Ignore him, Sullivan, and it's your best work.
05:44Bargains, bargains, bargains. While bargains last at Diddle Diddy.
05:48You'll never guess where we've cut callers at Diddle Diddy's Bumper Bargain Family Size Giveaway.
05:53Like this chicken-style oven roaster, just £1.19.
05:57These lucky dip tins of textured-style afters, just ten for the price of one.
06:02And this three-litre bottle of fizzy tomato-style drink, only £49.
06:06Diddle Diddy. It all goes down the same hole.
06:10Daniel Dan Tooting, the most iconic screen actor of his generation.
06:15Famous for his blistering historical portraits of Joseph Stalin, Custer, Genghis Khan, and Wilf Lund.
06:23He returns to our screens this year as Skeeg Tash in Tash, A Man of Oil.
06:29A towering return to form after the breakdown which saw Dan Tooting abandon acting seemingly for good
06:36on the set of Marty Tsar's The Boondock Feuds.
06:4198, take seven.
06:47Action!
06:48You know, it gets harder to kill a man as you get older.
06:58Not easier, harder.
07:01More hard.
07:02You might think it gets easier.
07:09But, in fact, the opposite is that you...
07:13Get this off me! Get this thing off me!
07:14Get this thing off me!
07:15Get it off me!
07:16Get it off me!
07:19Get it off me!
07:20Daniel Dan Tooting, it's a great pleasure to see you back at work.
07:26Now, before we talk about the film, Daniel, your breakdown.
07:31Yes, yes. I, um, I can't put a finger on precisely what happened there.
07:36Um, obviously, the character I was playing in Boondocks.
07:38Bill the Pirate?
07:40Yes. He was a dark character. Um, in many ways, he was very...
07:45So, it wasn't just because of the moustache?
07:47Mm. What makes you say that?
07:49The footage of you physically tearing it out of your face by the roots.
07:53No, that was... Oh, that! No, that was, um, I was very tired.
07:59Tired?
08:01Tired, ill, sick. Sick of... sick and tired.
08:05You were sick and...
08:06Could I get my glass of milk, please? Hmm?
08:10But you're, you're fine now?
08:11I'm fine now, yeah.
08:13You're not gonna suddenly go spare?
08:15Spare?
08:17Because of the new moustache?
08:19Yeah, no! Oh, no!
08:21No, this, this one won't, uh, this one doesn't think that I'm, uh, no.
08:26Oh, thank you. I like it.
08:29Is it for a part?
08:32Excuse me? Yes, it's for, um, skeeg.
08:36Skeeg-tash?
08:38Skeeg-t-sh.
08:42And is it glued on, or...?
08:44No, no, it sprouted. It grew, grewed. It growed on. It growed, it's grown, I should say, on my upper lip.
08:53It's good, it's big.
08:57Yeah, they grew them big.
08:59Yeah.
09:05There's your milk.
09:08Yeah, I think I'll actually save that for him.
09:10Drink the milk.
09:11I don't, I don't, I don't really feel like that.
09:13Do you ask for the milk?
09:16Yeah, of course, yes. I'll, I think I'll...
09:17I think I'll...
09:28Have I got any...
09:47Yeah. And do you also have trouble eating?
09:49Get it off me! Get it off me!
09:58Ah! Ah!
10:03Chocolate Mitchell?
10:04No, thank you.
10:06Chocolate Mitchell?
10:07Chocolate what?
10:08Chocolate Mitchell. It's a biscuit named after me.
10:11Why?
10:12Well, I thought it was about time I had a biscuit named after me.
10:15I mean, Gary Baldy's got one, Mr Richard T's got one. Why not me?
10:18But it's just a bourbon biscuit.
10:21No, it isn't. I don't know what you're talking about.
10:23Yes, it is. It's a layer of chocolate fondant sandwiched between two dark chocolate biscuits, exactly like a bourbon.
10:27No, it isn't. It's different. It's nicer.
10:30Bourbons are horrible.
10:31Well, that's lucky, because this isn't a bourbon.
10:33What, because you've scraped the word bourbon off the top and scratched in Mitchell?
10:40No, carved. Do you mind? Hand-carved the word Mitchell into the top.
10:45And anyway, this is a prototype.
10:47Soon there'll be two of them when my craftsman's finished carving the other one.
10:51Oh, David, I broke another one.
11:01You should probably eat it, probably.
11:05I have it, Gilbert. Law enforcement.
11:08Oh, quite good. A bobby operetta. That's modern. And our hero?
11:11He's a plain-speaking, no-nonsense sort of cove. A maverick, if you will.
11:14And has a somewhat abrasive manner, much to be superior to his chagrin.
11:17Oh, and he carries a blunderbuss.
11:19A blunderbuss, yes. The most powerful handheld weapon known to man.
11:22This is excellent.
11:23Now, what should we call him, this loose cannon? He's baritone, I assume.
11:27Unquestionably. What about Harold?
11:29Difficult to rhyme.
11:30Harry, then?
11:31Harry, marry, carry, tarry, parry, expeditionary.
11:34I like it. No-nonsense Harry.
11:36New parchment.
11:37The question you are asking yourself is how many times have I discharged my blunderbuss?
11:46How many times has he discharged his blunderbuss?
11:49With all the excitement, I quite forgot myself.
11:53Exactly how fortunate are you feeling?
12:02They hate it.
12:04And this is really loud.
12:07Hello there. I'm Donnie Cozy.
12:14And I hope you'll join me for a prayer and a pint.
12:17Which this week celebrates its 500th episode
12:21from the beautiful city of Tokyo in Japan.
12:25Health and good fortune be upon you this day.
12:45And do you know who said that to me this morning?
12:47My toilet.
12:48And I'm sat here now with the inventor of that toilet, Professor Yoshida.
12:54Yes.
12:55Tucking into something you might not normally associate with a Japanese restaurant.
13:00Pizza.
13:03Now, Tokyo.
13:05Professor, being here, I'm finding it's like stepping into fairyland.
13:10Fairyland? Yes.
13:12You all look like pixies. It's hilarious.
13:15But pixies with jobs.
13:17Heaven knows what we must look like to you, great big-nosed trolls.
13:22And is that more if I was black?
13:24But black people are probably objectively more attractive than white people.
13:29Once you get over the initial shock.
13:31Do you think?
13:32Shock.
13:33And also, I'm finding Tokyo is like actually living in Pac-Man.
13:40Pac-Man?
13:40In a game of Pac-Man.
13:42Yes, yes. Pac-Man. Japanese.
13:45No.
13:45Yes.
13:46And the shape.
13:48Pac-Man's shape is actually based on your pizza.
13:51And the shape of the ghosts, what's that based on?
13:54Ghost, yes.
13:55They're based on actual ghosts?
13:57Yes.
13:59The Holy Ghost, isn't that shape?
14:02Holy Ghost.
14:03The Holy Ghost.
14:04Holy Ghost?
14:05Holy Ghost.
14:06Ah, Holocaust.
14:07No, it's not the Holocaust. Pac-Man's not based... It's not.
14:13Oh, sorry. I don't. Pac-Man.
14:17And, er...
14:18Is that Elvis?
14:19Elvis.
14:20Elvis?
14:22Yes.
14:23Elvis Presley.
14:24So, we found some common ground.
14:28Pixie Madness here in Tokyo.
14:30But now it's time for a hit.
14:33And this week's request comes from Phil and Meg McQueen of Sulky Abbott in Bumsex.
14:38And they said,
14:40All I want to do...
14:41All I want to do...
14:43All I want to do is praise him.
14:46All I want to do, all I want to do, all I want to do is praise him.
15:01All I want to do, all I want to do, all I want to do is praise him.
15:11What do I want to do?
15:13What do I want to do?
15:16What do I want to do?
15:17What do I want to do?
15:19What do I want to do?
15:19Praise him.
15:21Who do I want to praise? Who do I want to praise? Who do I want to praise? God!
15:33That's us! Bye!
15:38We've all got gadgets coming out of our ears.
15:42iPods, sat-navs, an electrical item for every job.
15:46To many, it must seem like we're living in the future.
15:49But to others, the cry has always been,
15:52well, if this is the future, then where's my jetpack?
15:55Well, today, those people will definitely have a smile on their face.
16:03The fastest-selling item ever to go on sale,
16:07over three million jetpacks have been sold in the last 24 hours.
16:10The manufacturer, the jetpack company, has soared into the record books,
16:15a real success story in a depressed market.
16:17I'm here with the inventor of the jetpack
16:19and MD of the jetpack company, Mark Pelmer.
16:23Mark, you must be absolutely over the moon.
16:26It's been incredible.
16:27It turns out the whole world has been waiting for the jetpack to be created,
16:31and even with its hefty price tag,
16:32every man and his dog has gone out to buy one.
16:35And what do you say to those people who suggest the jetpack is dangerous?
16:38Safety is absolutely our biggest concern.
16:48We have tested and tested and tested,
16:50and the jetpacks are incredibly safe.
16:52There's no danger of explosion, the flame burns cold,
16:55there's a height limiter, and they will not run out of fuel in mid-air.
16:59The jetpack is completely safe.
17:01And what about the people using them?
17:02I couldn't possibly come in.
17:08Well, now, Mark, I can't let you go without asking,
17:12can I have a go?
17:13Of course. Let's take a flight together.
17:16Pete Philpott signing off.
17:18Let's go.
17:19So, thanks for all coming to this meeting so close to the end of the day.
17:33You're probably all aware that, due to recent financial difficulties,
17:36the company is now in the uncomfortable position of having to seek a merger.
17:40Hooray!
17:41Hooray!
17:47Right.
17:48Now, I can't help but feel that the company wouldn't be in this position.
17:52What position is that, Mike?
17:53The position of having to seek a merger.
17:55Hooray!
17:57Mike didn't drink.
17:59Really, this isn't the time.
18:00Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it!
18:05Hooray!
18:05I can't help but feel that the company wouldn't need to seek a merger.
18:14Hooray!
18:17If we hadn't adopted, as company policy,
18:21the idea of downing a glass of rare vintage claret
18:24every time someone says merger.
18:26Hooray!
18:26Hooray!
18:30It seriously affected our efficiency,
18:33and because of the cost of rare vintage claret,
18:36our cash flow.
18:37Hooray!
18:38It's a short time!
18:40I didn't say merger.
18:42Hooray!
18:43You did say cash flow.
18:45Hooray!
18:46Hooray!
18:46Cash flow?
18:47Hooray!
18:49Hooray!
18:50Now, new policy.
18:51As well as drinking claret,
18:52every time we hear the word merge,
18:54hooray!
18:54Hooray!
18:56Now, we drink 25-year-old scotch
18:59every time we hear the word cash flow.
19:01Hooray!
19:01Hooray!
19:01It's a 25-year-old scotch,
19:04but that'll affect our cap...
19:07our balance sheet.
19:08Hooray!
19:11Balance sheet as well!
19:12Hooray!
19:13Hooray!
19:14Hooray!
19:15Hocker shop.
19:17No-one told me this.
19:19Didn't you get the memo?
19:20Hooray!
19:22We don't drink on memo.
19:24We've never drunk on the word memo.
19:26Guys, guys!
19:26Hooray!
19:28You did it twice!
19:29Hooray!
19:29It's a miniature of drum buoy
19:32when you say,
19:33uh, uh, uh, that word.
19:35Hooray!
19:35That's all right.
19:36I didn't say memo.
19:37Hooray!
19:39I-I can't be bothered
19:40to discuss this now.
19:42Besides,
19:42it's-it's gone 5.30.
19:44It's-it's the end of the day.
19:45We-we can talk about the merger.
19:46Hooray!
19:47Hooray!
19:47Hooray!
19:48Hooray!
19:48Hooray!
19:48Hooray!
19:49Hooray!
19:49Hooray!
19:50Hooray!
19:50Hooray!
19:51Hooray!
19:51Hooray!
19:52Hooray!
19:52Hooray!
19:53Anyone come to the pub?
19:54Yeah.
19:54Yeah.
19:55Yeah.
19:55Yeah.
19:56Good idea.
19:56Let's do that.
19:57Hooray!
19:58Hooray!
19:59Hooray!
20:00Hooray!
20:01I think we have to face Axe Gilbert.
20:03The British theatre going public
20:04just isn't getting our new work.
20:06Hooray!
20:07Hooray!
20:08We're very disappointed in your new operettas!
20:12And I had such high hopes for a dangerous shark with big teeth.
20:17Quite.
20:18And who could have known that the girl with a demon inside
20:21that was removed by a vicar would have been met with indifference?
20:24We're close to bankruptcy.
20:26We need a hit.
20:28Remember the Halcyon days.
20:30The Mikado.
20:31We need that magic back.
20:33Something accessible.
20:36Something classy.
20:38Bongo Bongo Bongo Bongo
20:42Took a white man in the pot and eat him!
20:47Bongo Bongo Bongo Bongo
20:49Hail the Queen of Bongo Bongo Lands!
20:57A hit!
20:58Finally a tune you can home!
21:00Bongo Bongo Bongo Bongo
21:02You don't think we've somehow cheapened ourselves?
21:10Nah.
21:12Alright.
21:13Next question.
21:15And it's to Louise.
21:18Louise fielding this one.
21:21Are you ready for this Louise?
21:22Richard, listen up of course
21:24because you'll get the chance to steal this
21:27if Louise falters.
21:29But she may not.
21:31Let's see.
21:32Louise.
21:33Answer me this.
21:35It's in the category of people.
21:38People is the category.
21:40Are you good on people Louise?
21:42Well, let's find out.
21:44In the category of people.
21:47This is to Louise.
21:49Initially.
21:50In people, which person famously set sail on the HMS Beagle in 1831?
22:09Which person famously set sail on the Beagle in 1831?
22:16Louise.
22:17Louise.
22:18Can you tell me?
22:19It was...
22:20Take your time.
22:21Famous ship of course.
22:23The Beagle.
22:24Carried a famous man.
22:26Or woman.
22:27In 1831.
22:29We're looking for the name of that person.
22:33What was his name?
22:35Or...
22:36Her name.
22:37Think it over.
22:38Take your time.
22:39The HMS Beagle in 1831.
22:40Bit of a clue there, of course.
22:41Many people weren't alive in 1831.
22:42Most people, in fact.
22:43Of those who were, some would have been too old to sail and some too young.
23:00But not this person.
23:02What was their name?
23:04Can Louise tell us?
23:06Yes, Charles.
23:07Or...
23:08Will it be thrown over to Richard?
23:09To do what comes naturally and steal the point.
23:13Richard, of course, we know.
23:15Fond of dogs.
23:17This Beagle, of course.
23:20Not a dog, but...
23:23Will the name have caught his attention?
23:26Though that won't help him if Louise knows the answer.
23:31So, let's find out as we stop the clock.
23:36There we are.
23:38The clock has now started.
23:41It's ticking away.
23:43Who set sail on the Beagle in 1831?
23:46Does Louise know?
23:48Can she work it out against the clock?
23:50Though the clock, of course, is just a clock.
23:54She's got all the time she needs.
23:57After all, it's not as if we're on TV.
24:00Nope.
24:01No distractions like that.
24:03It's just you, me, and Richard, Louise.
24:06Just the three of us, alone on my spaceship, heading inexorably towards the heart of the sun.
24:13Because if I've got to go, Louise, if I've really only got six months left, like they say, and if all my billions can't buy me a moment's more time, then, well, two things.
24:28One, I'm not going alone.
24:31And two, I'm making every second of those remaining months last as long as I possibly can.
24:45So, once again, the HMS Beagle set sail in 1831.
24:53Which famous person was aboard?
24:58Darwin!
25:00Darwin!
25:02Darwin!
25:03While she's thinking that over.
25:06Let's take a look at the scores.
25:08Richard has 14,821 correct answers.
25:13Louise is on 12,968.
25:16So, everything to play for.
25:20The Beagle.
25:221831.
25:23Just a few minutes left of thinking over, Louise, before I ask you for an answer.
25:29Certainly no more than 10.
25:33Half an hour tops.
25:53,
25:58Well, that would be to go and answer.
26:04Now it goes one minute or until again...
26:23You
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