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00:00Ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights
00:02Horrors that did by description, cutthroat cults or cruel ejection
00:05Vicious vikings, cruel crime, punishment from ancient times
00:07Roman rotten, rank and rootless, cavemen, savage, beers and tubeless
00:10Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, need a missing middle ages
00:13Gory stories, we do that, and your host are talking rats
00:18The past is no longer the mystery
00:21Welcome to...
00:22HORRIBLE HISTORIES
00:26Have you ever dreamt of being a prince or princess?
00:36Living in a fancy castle, wearing cool crowns
00:40And drinking only the finest bean juices
00:43Mmm, nice
00:45Of course, that only happens by magic in fairy stories
00:49Normally, a lot of work goes into being a royal
00:52Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today
00:57I'm famous French hairdresser, Ciel Arsenaire
00:59And I'm portrait artist, Joseph Ducreux
01:02And we are here to collect an Austrian princess
01:06Say hi to the viewers
01:07Hello
01:08This princess knows she's headed to France to marry Prince Louis
01:11Who is going to be king one day
01:13What she doesn't know is how much the French public will hate her
01:18If she looks Austrian
01:19What?
01:20They literally won't let her into the country looking like this
01:23They'll rip her to shreds
01:24Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement
01:26So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French
01:31Now I'm thinking we'll call you Marie Antoinette
01:46But that is not my name, my name is Maria Antoinette
01:49Not anymore, we're changing it to Marie Antoinette
01:52This sounds my friend
01:53Future queen of France, let's dance
01:55What is going on with this egg?
02:03You've got it scraped back so far
02:05It's pulling out the roots in clumps
02:07Well, it's very fashionable in Austria
02:09That explains everything
02:11At the moment, honey
02:12This forehead gives me a sore head
02:14OMG, you are so right
02:16That's why when I was sent to Austria to paint you
02:18I painted what I wanted to see
02:21Not what I did see
02:23She is so fresh, so fly, so French
02:27Doesn't look anything like me
02:29Exactly
02:30So good
02:32Thank you
02:33Wow, it's magnificent
02:39I know
02:39Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again
02:44But only after we fixed your disgusting Austrian fangs
02:48Look at those jagged little teeth pointing out all over the place
02:52It's like, guys, pick a direction
02:54So we're going to give you a very beautiful and very straight smile
02:58And all it would take is some light dentistry
03:01Using the state-of-the-art metal tools
03:04Ah, won't that hurt?
03:05You won't feel a thing
03:07Because you'll feel everything
03:10We don't have pain relief
03:12Open wide
03:13Let's make your dentures all Frenchers
03:15When we met Maria Antonia, she was a real no-no-no-nia
03:25But Maria Antoinette is très chic
03:28She's glamorous
03:29She can barely move her mouth after agonizing dental surgery
03:33But she is fit for France
03:35So, what do you think of your transformation?
03:40Are you happy?
03:41Oh, she's speechless
03:45And now you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince
03:50Yes, queen
03:51This is the happiest day of my life
03:55Let's dance
03:56Yeah, we probably should have worked on our dancing, too
04:04Definitely
04:05Please, just stop your embarrassing everyone
04:11Some can spend their whole lives searching for true love and never find it
04:15But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to the throne of England
04:19His true love was arranged by his father's lawyers
04:22As part of a peace treaty when he was two years old
04:25And they say romance is dead
04:26But while Arthur has known the name of his true love since he was a toddler
04:31This will be their very first date
04:34Enjoy
04:34I really hope we get on
04:38We're getting married at the end of next week
04:40Prince Arthur's first date
04:41And soon-to-be wife
04:43Is Spanish Princess Catherine of Aragon
04:45So great to finally meet you
04:47I'm Prince Arthur
04:49My father is King Harry VII
04:51Which means I will be the first official King Arthur of Britain, eventually
04:56Bye
04:59Yes, I know who you are
05:01We'll be the next week
05:02We'll be the next week
05:04We'll be the next week
05:05We'll be the next week
05:06We'll be the next week
05:07We'll be the next week
05:08We'll be the next week
05:09So it turns out she can't speak any English at all
05:14Which is, you know, a shame
05:16Because English is my best language
05:18Gracias chorizo Barcelona
05:22Nachos
05:24Si
05:25Ay caramba
05:27You like food?
05:29Food?
05:30Oh, yum yum yum yum yum yum
05:32Chicken?
05:33Bok bok bok bok bok bok bok
05:34Que es una idiota
05:36Si, el es un idiota
05:38I think idiot means something completely different in Spanish
05:41Actually, it's the same thing
05:43Right
05:43This is an absolute disaster
05:46I mean, I probably shouldn't have seen this coming, right?
05:48Because we just used them right to each other in Latin, so
05:50Wait
05:52Game on!
05:54Te amo
05:55Te amo
05:56The international language of love, Latin
06:00What can I get you?
06:02Palom e carotom animus
06:03I'm so sorry, I do not speak Latin
06:05Idiota
06:07Do you think you'll see each other again?
06:11Er, yeah
06:12I mean, we're getting married in ten days
06:13Hitch!
06:14Sorry, bro
06:15Great touch, though
06:16That's just my little brother, Prince Henry
06:18Ah, Henry, er, ocho
06:21Henry VIII?
06:23No
06:24Bad chance at that
06:26He can only be called that if he became king
06:28And that's not going to happen unless I die
06:29So, no
06:30Once we get married, you'll never have to worry about him
06:32Bullseye!
06:34Right, come in!
06:35Prince Arthur and Princess Catherine married one week after they met
06:39But Arthur croaked five months later
06:41So Catherine moved on and married his little bro, Prince Henry
06:44Standard
06:45Gives me all the feels, actually
06:47Bonjour
06:53I am Marie, Queen of Scots
06:55And as you can imagine
06:56Being Queen of Scotland may be quite a catch in the 16th century dating world
07:01I'm also well-fet
07:03Tsss, ouch
07:05My hand in marriage was so sought after that I was engaged to be married when I was just six months old
07:12Henry VIII wanted me to marry his son, Prince Edward
07:15But tell me, what did he send to help seal the marriage?
07:21I like presents!
07:22Who doesn't?
07:23Did he send
07:24A, a ship full of flowers
07:27B, a toy throne
07:29Or C, an army
07:32The answer is C
07:34He sent an army
07:36He started a war to make sure I married his son
07:39It's called the rough wooing
07:41And it lasted for eight years
07:43So I married the King of France instead
07:46Do one, Edward
07:47You see, you probably think that princes and princesses have an easy life
07:53But that's not always been the case
07:55Back in history, they were often married up to other royals
08:00Just to make their own family more powerful
08:03And if that sounds bad, wait until you see what giving birth could be like
08:07It's poor old Marie Antoinette again
08:10Where is my husband?
08:15I cannot see the King, Your Majesty, unless he is at the back
08:19Why are they watching?
08:22I'm trying to give birth here
08:23Right this way
08:24Room at the front, Your Majesty
08:26I love a royal birth
08:29Don't get me wrong, an execution is fun
08:30But it's over so quickly
08:31Darling, do we really have to have all of these people here watching?
08:35My love, we are here to celebrate the birth of a prince
08:38Oh, princess
08:39We need an audience
08:41They need witnesses to prove the Queen actually gave birth
08:44And they didn't use somebody else's baby
08:46Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them swapping it out for a boy
08:49So the King then has an heir
08:51Bonjour
08:51The doctor has arrived
08:54It's a bit quiet in here
08:55I thought we were having a royal birth
08:57More people
08:57What?
09:00I was all here to sweep the chimney
09:02Get your crappy stick away from me
09:04Ignore them, my darling
09:06Just imagine they are not there
09:08What if I didn't have to imagine and they actually weren't there?
09:12She doesn't mean it
09:14I do
09:15It is coming
09:16How do you feel?
09:19A little bit woozy, actually
09:20He was taking it
09:21Can somebody open the middle, please?
09:24The princess, the long birth, clearly needs some air
09:26Okay, everyone ready?
09:28Oui
09:29Oui
09:29Oui
09:29Oui, don't you
09:30Don't panic
09:33I will stick a spike into her foot to release the blood pressure in her body
09:37Was that whack?
09:37It will certainly wake her up
09:39She's back
09:41Come on, Your Majesty
09:43Push
09:44Push
09:46Push
09:47Push
09:47Push
09:48Push
09:49Push
09:50Push
09:51Push
09:52Push
09:53Push
09:54Push
09:55Push
09:56Push
09:57Push
09:58Push
09:59Push
10:00Push
10:01Push
10:02Push
10:03Push
10:04Push
10:05Push
10:06Push
10:07Push
10:08Push
10:09Push
10:10Push
10:11Push
10:12Push
10:13Push
10:14Push
10:15Push
10:16Push
10:17Push
10:18Push
10:19Push
10:20Push
10:21which was great and everything, but I wanted a son and heir to my throne.
10:26A prince!
10:28I did actually then have a son, but I'm not with the Queen,
10:32so he couldn't be an official prince.
10:35Awkward.
10:36But now my second wife, Anne, is pregnant,
10:38and I'm certain it's going to be prince time, baby!
10:42Although I wouldn't lose my head if it's a girl.
10:45Someone might, though.
10:48Anne Boleyn, my new wife is pregnant, and everybody's thrilled!
10:51You lie about my mum to get a divorce.
10:54You ban me from visiting her, and you say I'm not a princess anymore,
10:57and you expect me to be happy about your wife being pregnant.
11:01Too right, Mary. Can I get a whoop-whoop?
11:04Yeah, she's pretty upset.
11:06I should probably go see if she's okay.
11:09Or I could organise a special joust for the birth of my son.
11:13He's bound to be a boy this time.
11:16Right?
11:17Wrong.
11:18I think Henry is delighted to announce the birth of a prince.
11:21Yes.
11:22The whole point of divorcing the last one was so that I could get a son!
11:26And now look what's happened!
11:27A beautiful, healthy baby girl!
11:30But not now, guys!
11:32Read the room!
11:36Can I just double-check this?
11:38She's definitely a girl.
11:39Okay, fine.
11:40Father.
11:41Hello.
11:42Father's fake wife.
11:43Queen Anne, actually.
11:44For now.
11:45Let's see what happens next time you don't have a son.
11:46Speaking of the king's sons, Henry Fitzroy in the house.
11:49You don't count.
11:50Oh!
11:51Just because the king wasn't married to my mum.
11:52Typical.
11:53Sorry, girls.
11:54I can't believe you gave him better rooms than me at Christmas.
11:55Let's give me one of those days.
11:56Right.
11:57Can we try and smile, yeah?
11:58Wonderful news, Mary.
11:59We want you to live with Princess Elizabeth.
12:00It will be convenient because you will be working for her as a servant.
12:01That's no position for a prince, I-
12:19We want you to live with princess Elizabeth. It will be convenient because you will be working for her as a servant
12:26That's no position for a princess, but you're not a princess anymore
12:30Are you your daddy took your title away? It didn't you darling? Hmm. I suddenly feel a bit peckish actually
12:36You are dad. You can't let that woman to the green my mother Catherine of Aragon is the queen not any more
12:45She is
12:47I'm just gonna go grab a couple porkchop
12:51I eat when I'm nervous. I don't I'm not nervous
12:56I'm a hungry boy
12:59They've taken away my household and Berlin has destroyed my life
13:05I'm not calling her queen and I'm not calling her daughter
13:08Princess and I'm not agreeing with her about anything ever. Hey guys just came to say hello to the baby
13:14What's he doing here weird suddenly all I can think about is pork chops a chop off your blog
13:22Jinks huh
13:25You can't keep calling yourself princess. This is my final word
13:30I'll go on and you carry on what what can I say?
13:34Softy I'm a princess. Have we had lunch already?
13:39Better have another one. She's got the safe side. Yeah
13:42Lunch slap it up
13:47Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales and when my old man King George the third dies
13:52I'm gonna be making George the fourth. I said that's not too far away
13:56I'm King George the third his father and I'm still alive
14:00What's the best thing about being a prince?
14:03That pampering
14:05Spoiler rotten I blame your mother
14:06She thought it was so perfect that she put him on display to the public when he was just a week old and people came from all
14:11Over just to see his royal cuteness. I mean you just look like any other baby
14:16Yeah, well mommy didn't think so she had a life-size waxwork model made of me
14:20Get in this little glass display jar. That's kind of creepy now that I think about it, but it
14:25Dad
14:30Am I going to be King George the fourth?
14:33No
14:35Clearly asleep. What's wrong with you?
14:40Many princes and princesses lived a life of luxury, but others had much more difficult lives
14:47Some suffered like you wouldn't believe one 18th century African Prince was taken from his home
14:55Sold into slavery and forced to travel to America
14:58Where he did back-breaking work on a cotton plantation in Mississippi
15:03His life did eventually improve a little but it took time a long time a long long long time
15:10Ladies and gentlemen, I am Prince Abdul Rachman Ibrahim Aswarai
15:17Thank you all for coming tonight to hear the tale of my escape from captivity
15:24Oh forget it. I can't believe me. I
15:27Could it really be?
15:29Prince Abdul
15:31Oh, he tell you he was a prince too. Yeah ignore him. He's just a slave Prince Abdul
15:36It's me. Dr. John Coates Cox. Your father King Ibrahim has saved me life when I was in West Africa
15:42Dr. Cox
15:44Oh, I was taken from my family's kingdom and I have been enslaved here for 19 years
15:50So sorry Abdul
15:52In your face grumpy villager lady. I'm a prince. It's true. He is a prince
15:58Well, that's nice. The authorities here won't care. He's still in slave over my dead body your royal highness
16:06You will be free within a year
16:1021 years later. I was still a slave and my potential rescuer Dr. Cox
16:17Was dead, but while my hopes were fading
16:20Others were still fighting my cause. Thank you for continuing Dr. Cox's work. Mr. Malshock
16:27But I'm still here
16:28So I wrote to your father the Sultan of Morocco and now he's written to the president of America
16:34The Sultan of Morocco is not my father. Are you sure?
16:37Are you sure? I'm pretty sure, yeah
16:39Anyway, the Sultan was so moved that he wrote directly to President Adams who has now
16:45Approved your journey home
16:47To Morocco. Uh-huh
16:49Which is not my home. I'll admit there's some details that need ironing out, but Prince Abdul, don't you see you can leave this place
16:55You're free
16:57This is really happening
17:00Where's my wife? Darling, get the children. We are all free
17:06You did get the freedom for my wife and children, right?
17:09This is awkward
17:11My eight children
17:13I'm a free man now. I would do it to myself
17:17And that is why I am here today telling my story and raising money to buy freedom for the rest of my family
17:25And I will not rest until I am done
17:28Can't your dad the Sultan of Morocco help?
17:30Not my dad
17:32Please pay attention
17:34This tour is very long
17:37Prince Abdul did eventually make it back to Africa
17:40But he sadly died before reaching his home again
17:43Some princes and princesses choose to live their lives differently to most royals
17:48and marched to the beat of their own drum
17:50Like my fellow suffragette, Princess Sophia D'Lip Singh
17:54Have you not heard of her?
17:55Wow
17:56She's a huge celeb here in Edwardian England
17:58She uses her fame to raise awareness for our cause
18:01Votes for women, votes for women
18:08Votes for women, votes for women
18:09Bites for women! Bites for women! Bites for women!
18:14Hi, cuz. I don't see you at Hampton Court much.
18:17I thought Buckingham Palace was your vibe.
18:19I'm not your cuz, Princess Fire. I am your king.
18:22Whatever. Make it quick. I've got rights to fight for and bikes to fix.
18:26OK, look, I know you're not a member of the British royal family,
18:28but you are a princess, and we royals are expected to behave in certain ways.
18:34Give us a hand, Oileen, this chain.
18:35Certainly not. The daughter of a Maharaja should ride in a coach, not on a bike.
18:39But I'm the newspaper's face of female cycling.
18:42And how can you campaign for equality riding in a royal carriage?
18:45Look, Princess Fire, your behavior is embarrassing the family.
18:49Any more, and I shall have to ask you to stop living in Hampton Court Palace.
18:53You can't. Your grandmother, Queen Victoria, was my godmother,
18:58and she gave me these rooms to live in before she died. They're mine.
19:02Cycling? Selling suffragette newspapers? Protesting with a troublemaking rabble?
19:07I'm just trying to do my bit.
19:09You could do your bit by paying some taxes.
19:13I won't pay tax until women have fair representation in government.
19:18Votes for women! Votes for women! Votes for women!
19:22Fine. Do what you want. Forget your royals.
19:26Please, try and make sure to keep your room tidy.
19:29Tidy my room? No way. We have maids for that? I am a princess, after all.
19:35Votes for women! Votes for women! Votes for women!
19:40Votes for women!
19:42Horribly Hysterical Musicals presents Alfield!
19:47Alfield, your mother and I can't always be with you, making sure you don't meet any boys.
19:55That's why we're putting a couple of deadly snakes in your room to keep them away.
20:01Ah! Sleep well.
20:02What?
20:03Don't touch me!
20:04Oh, snakes! Get off!
20:06I'll never get a boyfriend now. I'm...
20:10Princess Alfield, you're gonna get killed by the viper that guards me.
20:15Watch where you tread or you'll end up dead with a capital D.
20:19Do we?
20:20Yes, I'm surrounded by snakes. And those are some serious snakes.
20:25For a terminally curious prince or three!
20:31Like a princess from an old school fairy tale, Alfield wants to find her prince.
20:37Prince Alf, you got past the snakes and rescued me. Let's get married.
20:43It'll be a whole new life. Golden slippers and silver frocks. I'll be your wife. No snakes hiding in my socks.
21:01Wait! You're getting married? All you know about him is that he can avoid snakes.
21:06Fine. You win. I won't marry him.
21:09Yes!
21:10I'll dress up as a man and become a pirate. Happy now!
21:14Uh...
21:15Wait. What has happened?
21:16Alfield, the true story of the princess whose parents filled her bedroom with snakes and who ran off to become a pirate.
21:23Piracy, debts for me. Plundering, bens at sea. I think we can all agree there'll never be a queen like me.
21:32Alfield, a princess tale like you've never seen before.
21:36Um, I'm still a bit confused by the whole pirate thing.
21:39Oh, and does anyone have any anti-venom for my bottom?
21:42Oh!
21:43Loom and hoo-man, hoo-man, a living toilet who ran from the Middle Ages.
21:48Give a bucket so that you can have a poop in a private place.
21:53Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face.
21:56And bum, and when you're done, I will try to pending if you did a two or one.
22:02Loom and hoo-man!
22:04Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo, Bonnie Prince Charlie!
22:10Who are you?
22:11Who are you?
22:12Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie, the 18th century prince who laid claim to the thrones of England, Scotland and Ireland?
22:23Yeah?
22:24Who are you?
22:25Sorry, I just really need a loo.
22:28I am Loom and!
22:32You have travelled through time from the 18th century to use my first-rate toilet facility!
22:39Hello?
22:40It's...
22:41Plot Quiz!
22:43What?
22:44Answer questions one and two, and I'll let you do a...
22:47Woo-hoo!
22:48I really, really need the toilets. Can we say no more?
22:50Question number one.
22:52What is your proudest moment?
22:55Well, my grandfather James II was robbed of his English throne during the glorious revolution just for being a bit Catholic.
23:02So, my proudest moment would be when I and my Jacobite troops crushed the British in battle, bringing me closer to taking my throne back from the usurper George II.
23:14Throne as in the toilet?
23:16No, the throne as in the throne!
23:18I am the rightful king of Britain and I really need a poo!
23:23All right, question number two.
23:26It gets me every time.
23:28Come on, come on, come on, come on!
23:29What was your most embarrassing moment?
23:32Uh, a rebellion ran out of luck around the time of the Battle of Culloden and the English captured 3,500 of my men and executed 120.
23:41And?
23:42I had to escape in a boat while disguised as an Irish maid.
23:44Now, can I please go to the toilet? I'm nearly touching Tartan!
23:47You may pass!
23:49Liquids and or solids.
23:50That was hot, man!
23:52Yeah, Mum!
23:53Join me next time when I'll be stopping another historical chalet from doing a poo to ask the questions just for...
24:01Can you say it with me, Tony, please, Charlie?
24:04Just for you!
24:06No!
24:07Just for you...
24:08Yes!
24:09Yes!
24:14Hi, I'm Prince Edward.
24:15Eldest son of Edward III.
24:17Earl of Chester.
24:18Prince of Wales.
24:19Duke of Cornwall.
24:20An absolute lad.
24:21People also call me the Black Prince on account of my sleek black armour.
24:25And because I'm hard as nails.
24:28What's the best thing about being a prince?
24:30Easy!
24:31No weapons, like this bad boy.
24:37This beauty's retired now,
24:39but I've given it a place of honour in the Royal Hall.
24:42Every day it gets fed a ration of its own food.
24:45Got to keep your strength up, haven't we?
24:47Huh? What's that?
24:49He likes chops!
24:51Such a great sense of humour.
24:54So, that was some of history's most pitiful princes and princesses,
24:58and many of them never even got to be king or queen,
25:02especially the girls.
25:04Until 2013, it was the oldest boy who took the throne,
25:08even if he had older sisters.
25:10Imagine!
25:12The most important thing you've got to do if you want to be in charge
25:15is to stay alive.
25:17And that wasn't so easy in the old days.
25:19Just ask the Black Prince Edward, Prince Arthur Tudor
25:22and Frederick, Prince of Wales.
25:28When I was a young prince,
25:32my father took me into the palace
25:36to say I'd rule the land.
25:40He said,
25:41Son, when you grow up, you'll be king.
25:45The great king Arthur Tudor,
25:48your life's already planned.
25:51But I dropped dead at fifteen.
25:56They gave my crown and queen to my brother,
26:00who later divorced her.
26:04And they left me a side note, a phantom,
26:09in the sad parade of great kings that never were.
26:16Poor Edward died of dysentery,
26:23we call him the Black Prince.
26:26No throne for him, that stylish warrior.
26:31When Frederick got awful sick,
26:34his dad George was relieved.
26:36Cause as an heir, Fred was below par.
26:40He can't rule on, we can't rule on.
26:45So let's hear it for the roll call
26:49Of kings you never knew at all
26:52We can't rule on
26:55But don't forget the kings you never had
26:59Cause we all died before our dad
27:02Disappointing Fred drew his last breath
27:05Ed looked cool but put himself to death
27:10And there's also me
27:13And don't forget
27:15Alfonso
27:17Alfonso?
27:19Yeah, Alfonso!
27:21Dad was Edward I,
27:22I was gonna be king of England,
27:23but I died in 1234.
27:25Come on.
27:26We could've ruled, but we won't come so
27:29We could've had, a king Alfonso
27:32There's no king Fred, to be anointing
27:34Because he's dead, dead disappointing
27:37They're never kings, for sad procession
27:40It really stings, with no succession
27:42We died too young, that much is clear
27:45So I get a diary
27:53Er, can we all stop going on about how I pooed myself to death?
27:57There's nothing wrong with pooing yourself to death.
27:59People did it all the time.
28:00Shut up, Alfonso
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