- 20 hours ago
S01E00 Christmas Special 2025
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00I said I planned on doing nothing. Different things.
00:03Led with his mum, I was going to crack open the Baileys, order a curry and watch me some Die Hard.
00:08Oh, Mal, how depressing. At least you have company now.
00:11I don't want company.
00:13Oh, can I just do a small detail?
00:18You having a good creme bar, Felicity?
00:20Not really. I was supposed to be in South Africa.
00:23But Amanda guilt-tripped me into visiting my sister.
00:26What's wrong with your sister?
00:27She's a nightmare.
00:28It's just all laughter and games and Ender's bloody cheese boards.
00:35She's completely over the top.
00:36She asks us every year, Mummy, and we never go. It's getting rude.
00:40And I would love the kiddos to have a traditional Cotswoldian Noel
00:44while they're still enchanted by the magic of Christmas.
00:47But does she have a PS5?
00:49No, she doesn't have a PS5, my nurse.
00:51I don't even think she has the internet.
00:54No way.
00:55Right, Sam. I should take it.
00:58A little Christmas present flag.
01:01Amanda, it's a disaster.
01:03I've been at the airport now for about 14 hours, and they finally just cancelled our flight to Dublin.
01:08Oh, and now...
01:09What a shame.
01:11Well, look, thanks for keeping me posted.
01:13Chris and the kids want to head to Cork.
01:15I was supposed to join yesterday, but because of the storm, I'm completely stranded.
01:19And everybody who I know and love is hundreds of miles away.
01:22Chris, Darius, Pat, Roisin, Pat, her husband, Pat, their kids, young Pat.
01:29And Patricia, and Edgar, and Barry, and Pat.
01:32Yeah.
01:33You know, he froze on our way, actually.
01:35No, no.
01:36Oh, absolutely not.
01:38No, no, no.
01:39No, no, no.
01:40What?
01:40No.
01:41Oh, my God.
01:42I miss you all so much.
01:44No.
01:44Christmas has officially started.
01:59Kids, off your bones now, please.
02:00Eat your heart out downtown Abbey.
02:02Well, hardly.
02:03It's only 11 acres and a ha-ha.
02:05Why is that funny?
02:07No, a ha-ha.
02:08It's like a giant ditch.
02:09You should know what a ha-ha is.
02:11You're a gardener.
02:11Oh, yeah.
02:12I've seen loads of ha-ha's in ha-ha's.
02:17Oh, look.
02:19She's put the reindeer out for the kids.
02:21Oh, mommy, do you remember when Bob with the Shetland tried to mount one?
02:25God, that was funny.
02:27This is why I don't go to therapy.
02:29Some memories are best repressed.
02:33Look at the bags.
02:34Here we go.
02:35Look at the reindeer.
02:36Okay.
02:36Come on.
02:37Let's have a little festive cheer.
02:41Guys, off the bones now, please.
02:43Guys.
02:45Guys.
02:46Right.
02:47Amy, that is.
02:47Dad just gave us.
02:48That's from dad.
02:49Did we learn nothing from adolescence?
02:50And Anne, this is my Christmas happy place, so please don't be a Debbie Downer.
02:54Okay, everyone.
02:56Here we go.
02:57Jingle, Merrile.
02:59Oh, I love you.
03:01I'm so sorry.
03:03Oh, what a shock.
03:05You caught me mid-giblet.
03:06Oh, goodness.
03:07No, not the coach.
03:08Merry Christmas, dearie.
03:09Oh, I'm so sorry to spring this on you.
03:11It's been a bit of a disaster.
03:12Is it cool if my mum friend Anne joins us?
03:15Is that?
03:15Yes.
03:16Oh, Anne.
03:17Of course.
03:18You look like you need a stiff drink.
03:19Thank you, but no.
03:21If I can't be with my family, then what's the point?
03:23Oh, dear girl.
03:24Come in.
03:24Come in.
03:25Come in.
03:26We're just in a divorce.
03:27No, it's Storm Geraldine.
03:28Storm Geraldine.
03:29Merry Christmas.
03:29Oh, for me?
03:31Wow.
03:33No.
03:34Manus Georgie.
03:34No, no, no, no.
03:36I don't believe it.
03:37No, I won't touch you.
03:38I won't touch you.
03:39Don't touch them.
03:40We'll hug in a moment.
03:41Come in.
03:42Don't touch.
03:42Don't touch them.
03:43They're gorgeous.
03:44They're gorgeous.
03:46Thank you, Mal.
03:47That's great.
03:47Thanks so much.
03:48Dang, you didn't tell me you're bringing a lover.
03:50Oh, no.
03:51Amanda's my neighbour.
03:52No, he just drove his head.
03:53Oh, it's all right.
03:54We'll make you.
03:55All the merrier.
03:56No, no, no.
03:56He's fine.
03:57He has plans.
03:58It's okay.
03:58Have you got plans?
03:59Yeah, I was just going to use your loo if I may before I nip off.
04:01I've got a date with John McLean.
04:03John McLean?
04:04No, fantastic.
04:05You're a homosexual.
04:06It's a die-hard reference.
04:08I was going to watch it with a curry.
04:09Oh, God.
04:10How costly.
04:11You will stay for a pre-prandial.
04:13Come on.
04:13What's pre-prandial?
04:14It's a posh word for a drink.
04:19Yeah, okay, Pat.
04:20Can you put Chris back on?
04:22Yeah, so I have an alert set up on my phone for when the flight's reopened.
04:25And if you could just have everyone there checking the internet.
04:29Why should I put my coat back then?
04:30Oh, keep it on.
04:32This house is bloody freezing.
04:34Isn't it magical?
04:36That's giving hardcore Narnia vibes, right?
04:40I mean, wow.
04:42That's what I call a tree.
04:48Is it plastic?
04:50Oh, my God.
04:51She's still got that.
04:52Daddy bought that in the 70s.
04:54Probably the newest thing in this place.
04:56How odd.
04:57I distinctly remember the scent of pine needles.
05:00No, this house smells the way it's always smelled.
05:03Damp.
05:04Dogs.
05:05Desperation.
05:08Now, I've been absolutely dying for you to arrive.
05:12I've got everything here.
05:13We've got some olives over there.
05:15There's this trout pate.
05:17We've got mini quiches.
05:19Praud volvois.
05:20And these pretty fun things from Marks and Spencer's.
05:23Mini burgers.
05:23Have you seen these?
05:24Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
05:28Let's clean that one up, won't we?
05:32Joni?
05:33Where should I put the pavlova?
05:34Is that Granny Gush's recipe?
05:36Yes, it is.
05:37Minus the powdered egg.
05:38I thought it might be fun to recreate that famous pudding photo from that amazing Christmas.
05:44Yes.
05:45Yeah.
05:46I've got it in the oven.
05:46Oh, you won't do it?
05:47Let me look for the oven.
05:47You'll dig it out.
05:48Everybody dig in.
05:50Flick, deviled egg.
05:52Have a deviled egg.
05:53Flick, deviled egg.
05:54Egg, egg, flick, deviled egg.
05:56Fine.
05:58I'll have a deviled egg.
05:59I think it's under here somewhere.
06:01Now, where's that famous photo?
06:05Ah.
06:06Ah.
06:09Yes.
06:10Now, look at that.
06:11Look at that.
06:11It is.
06:12Look at Gan Gan.
06:13What a hottie.
06:14Is that Yima?
06:16Yeah.
06:17That was me pre-blossom.
06:18Just on the cusp of discovering clearosil and wonder bras.
06:22Well, my goodness, look at that.
06:23I'm wearing the same jumper.
06:25Oh, Joe, no, stop.
06:27That's perfect.
06:28I thought it'd be really fun to restage the photo with Manus and George.
06:32So the Hemsworth brothers did one sitting on their mum's lap, and it pretty much broke the internet.
06:37I remember the Hemsworth brothers.
06:38Hmm?
06:39Hemsworth brothers.
06:40Yes, you stepped out with one.
06:42They had the tractor dealership in Ampney St. Peter.
06:45That was the Hemswood brothers.
06:47Hemswood.
06:47Yeah, I slept with all three of them.
06:49Oh, well done you.
06:50Oh, and the father.
06:52Mummy.
06:52Oh, Charlie, good.
06:53Now, drinky poos.
06:56Oh, damn.
06:57What's that?
06:58Oh, I didn't know.
06:59What's in those ones?
07:01Oh, is that you, Flick?
07:03No one must see those.
07:05Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
07:10What the...
07:12This house is literally freezing.
07:20My family will be back for mass about now.
07:23Do you think Jesus will punish me for missing his birthday?
07:25You know what you need, eh?
07:27Slow gin.
07:28Very good for melancholia.
07:30The night my father died, I drank two bottles as right as rain in the morning.
07:33I suppose I could have a small glass just to steady the nerves because I don't think I've ever done a Christmas without my family.
07:41No, no, no, no, none of that now.
07:42Come on, get that down your gullet.
07:44Yes, got a kick to it.
07:50That's the 1978 vintage, the year you were born.
07:52Oh, I do.
07:53Now, what do the children want?
07:55What can we get for them?
07:55Do you have any prime?
07:57No, no.
07:58Prime?
07:58Don't worry, he'll have a Coca-Cola.
08:00I've got a cola.
08:01I've got a can of cola here.
08:02There we go.
08:03Oh, there we go.
08:03Lovely.
08:04Lovely.
08:04Come on.
08:10Oh, I think that's seen better days.
08:12Ludo can have that.
08:13Ludo?
08:14Ludo, Ludo, look what's here.
08:15Look what's here.
08:16Jane.
08:18Oh, no.
08:18Your Christmas present.
08:20Yes, it's just a little bit.
08:21Oh, that's marvellous.
08:22I don't believe it.
08:24That's tremendous of you.
08:26Look at that.
08:28Wow.
08:28Oh, my goodness.
08:33No, Joan.
08:34It's the bath.
08:35The bath.
08:36Joan.
08:37And I've swallowed it.
08:38I'll have a bath later, darling.
08:40I'll have a bath later.
08:41Didn't I just gift you that?
08:44Yes.
08:45I loved it so much that I went out and bought exactly the same one for Aunt Joan.
08:51I need ice in my whiskey.
08:53You'll find plenty in the toilet.
08:54Now, will you come in here and sit down, please?
08:57Oh, thank you.
08:58I was actually going to hit the road.
08:59Oh, no, no.
09:00We're not having you spending a day alone.
09:01You and Anne are our Christmas guests of honour.
09:04So, sit.
09:05I've got a goose to go and get out of the oven.
09:07I've never been anyone's Christmas guest of honour before.
09:11This is the same one.
09:13This is to Amanda.
09:14I went out and bought exactly the same one for Joan.
09:17But they have a biscuit in it.
09:18I don't know.
09:19Luncheon is served!
09:21Oh, lovely.
09:22Come on.
09:23Oh, those are the photos Ganga doesn't want anyone seeing.
09:27Come on, boys.
09:28No, tell them, yes, it's a larger box, but it's actually the same value gift, because I'm
09:38meant by money spent.
09:39Um, um, no devices, please.
09:42I have to go.
09:43Okay.
09:46Oh, well, don't sit there.
09:47Sorry, because of the photos.
09:48We need to match the old Pavlava pigs, so, yeah.
09:51Mummy needs to sit there.
09:52Joan's here.
09:52Mummy, you're here.
09:53No, I need a clear line to an exit.
09:55Well, okay.
09:57Well, yeah, we can all move around for pudding.
10:01Here it goes.
10:02Goosey, goosey, goosey, go.
10:04Wait, Joan, stop, stop, stop, stop.
10:05Can you get back in and come back out?
10:07I want to film it.
10:07For the memories.
10:08Just tuck in.
10:09Tuck in.
10:09Tuck in.
10:10Just me a sec.
10:10Yes, it's going to be so good.
10:12Anne, could you just lean out, because of the tear stains?
10:14I just miss my family.
10:15You know, Anne.
10:17Anne.
10:17Yes?
10:18Goosey, goosey, goosey, goosey.
10:19Oh, look at that.
10:21Well, dig in.
10:22We've got a side of beef, Yorkshire's, a ham, and some little piggies and blankets.
10:27Mum, just eat it, it's Christmas.
10:29Hmm?
10:29What?
10:31I'm vegan.
10:33Oh, shit, are you?
10:35It's fine, I'll just eat the veg.
10:36Who does she want?
10:37Not just eat the veg.
10:38Not on my watch, she won't.
10:40I said, well, I'll rustle up a souffle.
10:44Oh, dear Joan.
10:46Do you see what I mean?
10:47It's just too much.
10:49She's just trying to make us all happy, Mummy.
10:51Anne, did you notice the stuffed stoat in the hallway?
10:57No.
10:57No?
10:58Oh, let me show you quickly.
11:00I'm not that into stoats.
11:02Yes, but honestly, I think you'll find this one very interesting.
11:09Yeah, I don't know who told you that I was into stoats, but actually this one is quite unusual.
11:14Okay, listen, forget the stoat.
11:15I just saw some pictures of Felicity I wasn't supposed to see, and now I can't unsee what
11:20I saw.
11:21God, they weren't nudies, were they?
11:22No, they're not nudies.
11:24Is anyone wearing a Nazi uniform?
11:26No, there's no knots.
11:27Just look.
11:29Oh, blimey O'Reilly.
11:31Is that Felicity and Sir Mick Jagger?
11:35Yes.
11:36Looks like they're on holiday together.
11:37Jesus, he was such a ride back then.
11:39Yeah, it looks like he was riding Felicity.
11:42Oh, M.G.
11:43Is she pregnant?
11:45Yes.
11:45And look, she's holding her stomach.
11:48Hmm.
11:48And?
11:49Summer of 77.
11:52Joan just said that Amanda was born in 78.
11:54You don't think Sir Mick Jagger is...
11:58Hmm.
11:59No.
12:01No, no, no.
12:01Don't be ridiculous.
12:02I've seen enough episodes of Ally McBeal to know this is all purely circumstantial evidence.
12:07Just because it goes clip-clap doesn't mean it's a zebra.
12:10Guys, come on.
12:11We're about to eat.
12:16I want to eat!
12:17I want to eat!
12:18Here we are.
12:19Lovely.
12:20Let me get this on first.
12:22I'll need my glasses on.
12:23Here we go.
12:23Joke.
12:24Why didn't Santa pay for his sleigh?
12:29Why didn't Santa have to pay for his sleigh?
12:31Because it was on the house.
12:33Oh, I get it.
12:36That's so bad.
12:37It's actually quite good.
12:38I know another joke.
12:39How do you titillate an ocelot?
12:41I've no idea, Joan.
12:42How do you titillate an ocelot?
12:43You ocelate its tits a lot.
12:46I'm sorry, Joan.
12:47Oh, dear.
12:48Not like she bloody wrote it.
12:50Go on, Flick.
12:51Your turn.
12:52Here we go.
12:54Mummy!
12:55Mummy, put the hat on.
12:56You'll need it for the pavlova photo.
12:57No, I don't do paper hats.
12:58Flick, do the joke.
12:59Where's the joke?
13:00I don't do jokes.
13:01Come on, Mummy.
13:01It's Christmas.
13:03Come on, Flick.
13:04Flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick.
13:07Do the joke.
13:08Do the joke.
13:09Do the joke.
13:10Do the joke.
13:11Whee!
13:12Come on.
13:12What is the coldest country in the world?
13:15I don't know.
13:17What is the coldest country in the world?
13:21Russia.
13:24Oh, I think you're reading the trivia there, Felicity.
13:30Oh, Mummy.
13:31Where are you going, Mummy?
13:33We haven't done the photo.
13:34I'm going to watch the king's speech.
13:36Oh, is it that time?
13:37Oh, I love the king's speech.
13:39Brilliant.
13:40Everyone fill a glass.
13:41Let's go and sit soft.
13:42We can do the pavlova we're after.
13:44Flick, flick.
13:45Wait for us.
13:47Wait for us.
13:47Wait for us.
13:48Wait for us.
13:48Wait for us.
13:49Yes, yes, yes, yes.
13:53And we're telling victorious, happy and glorious,
14:02love to reign over us, God save the king.
14:13Very good.
14:14Very good.
14:15I have to say, this is the most delicious cab I've ever drank.
14:22I'm telling you, I'm just not carved with champagne.
14:24Real champagne?
14:25Yes.
14:26From France?
14:27Yes.
14:28I've never had French champagne from France.
14:31Stop fussing.
14:32I can't see the turn.
14:33Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
14:36I think Joan is lovely.
14:38Classic Stockholm syndrome.
14:41Are you a big fan of the royal family, Felicity?
14:43Oh, I've met a few of them.
14:44Miller's a laugh.
14:46I've probably met a few members of the rock royal family in your time.
14:50Well, I once lived next door but one to Christoburg.
14:53Oh, right, pavlova time.
14:56Oh, finally!
14:57Get the camera.
14:58Get the camera.
14:58I don't want pavlova.
14:59Mummy, you can't always get what you want.
15:04Actually, I can't think of food for a bit.
15:06Amanda, I overdid it on the parsnips.
15:08You don't have to eat it.
15:09It's just a photo.
15:09Oh, I know what we'll do.
15:11We'll have a parlour game while we all digest.
15:13Who'd like a round of Are You There, Moriarty?
15:15I don't know what that is.
15:17Well, what about, um, Ho-ha-hee?
15:19Do you know that one?
15:19Or The Minister's Cat.
15:21Do you know that one?
15:21Oh, I don't know that one.
15:22Pass the slipper.
15:23No.
15:24Fan the candle.
15:24You must have hot cockles.
15:26Hot cockles!
15:27What else have we got?
15:28Elephants fought elephants?
15:29Oh, for God's sake, why don't we just play hide and seek?
15:32Oh, that's a terrific idea.
15:33This is so much fun.
15:34Well done, that girl.
15:36I'll count 50.
15:37Off you go.
15:38Off you go.
15:39And then after this, we'll do the public.
15:40Right, I'll start now.
15:41Come on.
15:42One, two, I've started.
15:44Two, I've started.
15:46Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
15:56There.
15:57Nine, ten.
15:59I know, Chris, but I don't know what you expect me to do about this.
16:02I can't make a put on a shoe.
16:04Five hundred miles away.
16:06Look, I really have to go.
16:10Bloody hell.
16:12Other people's Christmases are mental.
16:15When are we going to tell her?
16:16What?
16:17Absolutely never.
16:19It's not our family secret, so we're going to forget where they saw those photos.
16:22But we did see those photos, Mal.
16:24And I really think Amanda deserves to know.
16:27What do I deserve to know?
16:28What the hell are you hiding?
16:30Yeah, we're playing hide and seek.
16:32What do I deserve to know?
16:34Ask Mal.
16:36Oh, thanks, Anne.
16:37Will someone tell me what's going on?
16:38Sure, the photos.
16:46Are these pictures of my mum on holiday?
16:50What's the big deal?
16:52Look who she's with.
16:52Is that Mick Jagger?
16:55Mm-hmm.
16:55What are you?
16:57Minx.
16:57Sitting on Mick's lap.
16:59I sat on Prince Harry's lap when I was in Mahiki once.
17:01Did I get a mention in the book?
17:02Oh, my God.
17:06She's pregnant.
17:07That's hardly a secret.
17:09Keep looking.
17:12She's smoking.
17:13No.
17:14No.
17:14No.
17:14No.
17:15No.
17:15Look at the date on the back of the folder.
17:17Okay.
17:17Look who's holding the bump.
17:20No.
17:20No way.
17:21No way.
17:24Is my father...
17:2849, 50.
17:31No, you're not going to die.
17:32Quick, hide it.
17:32Do you know?
17:33Okay.
17:33Shh, shh, shh.
17:34Hear it.
17:35Oh, she's on me.
17:36Hear it.
17:38Is that a name, Governor?
17:39Okay.
17:39Oh, my God, it's a snifter.
17:59Ah!
18:00Ah!
18:00Ah!
18:01Ah!
18:02Ah!
18:03Ah!
18:04Ah!
18:05Ah!
18:06Ah!
18:07Ah!
18:08Ah!
18:08Ah!
18:09Ah!
18:09Mal, look.
18:11Ah!
18:13It's so weird, isn't it?
18:15When you look at us together, Mal, look.
18:17Mal, look.
18:18Mal.
18:20Can you open that door, please?
18:21I need some air.
18:21Is it insane?
18:23I mean, it's a shock, but it's also not a shock, you know?
18:26Because it explains a lot.
18:29I mean, I wonder if the man I thought was my father ever knew the truth.
18:33Poor Daddy.
18:35Well, this must be why my parents divorced.
18:37Maybe Joan told him, that must be why we never see Joan.
18:42That sounds about right.
18:45Can you just put my sleeve, please?
18:47I can't get some layers off.
18:51Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, come in.
18:52Okay.
18:53Okay.
18:53Oh.
18:54Oh, my.
18:55Oh, my.
18:56Where are you?
18:59Oh, my God, there's a lot.
19:02Can't get under there.
19:10Ha-ha!
19:11Hoist by your own petard there, Anne, I think.
19:14Oh, my goodness.
19:16My system's not used to champagne.
19:18No.
19:18Come on, mortified.
19:23I've got a present now.
19:25Yeah.
19:26Another little slifter.
19:34Oh, gotcha.
19:36Oh, please don't tell, Mom.
19:38I won't if you won't.
19:40Shh.
19:43Oh, I'm just dead.
19:47I'm on my way.
19:51Oh, I've hated, I've hated.
19:53Oh, ding dong.
19:55Christmas comes once a year.
19:57Do you know, I knew you'd do a love boat.
19:59We not.
20:00He just drove us here.
20:01I thought I had to take some clothes off.
20:04Cat's out the bag, Joanie.
20:06I've seen the photos.
20:07Oh.
20:08Yeah.
20:10Spill the tea.
20:12Right.
20:13Well, I suppose it's only a matter of time,
20:14but listen, you're going to have to speak to your mother about those.
20:17Where is she?
20:18I'm buggered if I know, because I've searched the whole house.
20:21Hey, darling, you stay with your paramour.
20:23Have you finished?
20:23Finished.
20:24Not you.
20:24Can I have some water, please?
20:29Mommy!
20:33Right, okay, let's split up.
20:35I'll take the lawn.
20:36Joan, you do the meadow.
20:38The meadow.
20:38And, um, and you and the kids check the drive.
20:41Okay.
20:44Felicity!
20:47Dangas!
20:49Would you look at this, huh?
20:50Felicity!
20:51Christmas night.
20:52I'd say we'd be doing the washing up at home if I was there right now.
20:56Yeah.
20:56Not standing here.
20:59Looking at the stars.
21:02Sorry, hang on.
21:03Sorry.
21:03What's...
21:03Oh, God.
21:06Oh, Grace.
21:07What?
21:08There's a flight out of Heathrow tonight.
21:11Well, that's good news, isn't it?
21:12Yeah.
21:14Great air, great.
21:15Yes.
21:16Um...
21:17All I have to do now is just, um...
21:21Click this link to confirm.
21:24Oh, no, would you look at that?
21:25My phone's off to running out of battery.
21:27Oh, no, what a shame.
21:29Um...
21:30Just guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?
21:33What a bummer.
21:35Just got to end up staying here.
21:38Yeah.
21:39Hey, do you know what?
21:41I'm gonna go for a walk.
21:44Yeah.
21:45Felicity!
21:47Yeah, this is just...
21:49It's better than cover.
21:51Felicity!
21:51Felicity!
21:52According to Wikipedia, I have eight brothers and sisters.
21:56Jay Jagger came in once when I was at Quo Vadis.
22:02I wonder, did she know?
22:04Felicity!
22:07It's mad.
22:08I think I could be spending next Christmas with them in Turks and Caicos.
22:11Whoa!
22:13Amanda!
22:13Ow!
22:15I just fell in the ha-ha.
22:17You all right?
22:19Yes, I am all right, Mal.
22:21Why are you laughing?
22:22You fell in the ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
22:26Stop, it's not funny.
22:27You fell in a ha-ha, come on.
22:30Get up.
22:32Amanda, I'm so sorry.
22:34Oh, my God.
22:36Oh, you know what?
22:36Thank you so much for today.
22:40Really.
22:41It beats lying on a couch with a curry and horse, don't I?
22:49Is that Jane's dog?
22:51Mummy?
22:54Mummy!
22:55Felicity!
22:57What? Ludo, wait, wait.
23:03Ludo!
23:07Oh, what'd you say?
23:18Aha!
23:19Very away in a manger.
23:21I knew it was too good to last.
23:23Well, you're the last one to be found, so...
23:25That makes you the winner!
23:26Ah, yes, bravo, that girl.
23:28I tell you what, I could do you a big scoop of the Stilton and I'll crack open a bottle of port.
23:32Stop.
23:33You don't have to have port.
23:34Just stop talking, please.
23:35It's too much.
23:36It's Christmas, it's supposed to be too much.
23:38No, you're too much.
23:40All this duro de vivre and endless glee and everything.
23:42It's just, it's just, just stop, please.
23:45Please don't cry.
24:00I'm not crying.
24:01Come on, Joanie.
24:03This is what happens when you stop, the old black dog creeps in and...
24:07Oh, come on, put yourself together, put yourself together, Joanie.
24:10Why are you being like this?
24:12Well, because of you, Flick.
24:14What nonsense.
24:16Do you remember what they used to call us on that ghastly old debutante circuit?
24:20Hmm?
24:22Great hair and spare.
24:24Actually, that's all the good.
24:27Yeah, it's all about the beautiful Felicity Wyndham.
24:30And I was just the podgy little sister.
24:33So I decided to be the life and soul of the party.
24:36Hostess with the mostess, the last one standing at the barn dance.
24:42And I can tell you something, after 60 bloody years, it's exhausting.
24:48Why didn't you ever say anything before?
24:50Oh.
24:51Well, it took Amanda to twist your arm to get you down here.
24:55Mummy?
24:55Oh, sir.
24:57Yes, we're here.
24:59We're here.
25:00Hello.
25:03There she is.
25:06You know, I have spent the whole day trying to recreate the perfect family Christmas.
25:11But it turns out my whole life has been a lie.
25:16For God's sake, Amanda, stop being so melodramatic.
25:18Look, let's go inside and do your moment with the pavlovas.
25:21Yes.
25:22No, Mummy.
25:23I know your secret.
25:25And I know Joan knows.
25:27And that's why you didn't want to come here.
25:28Because you were worried she'd spill the beans.
25:34What's she talking about?
25:37Mummy, I've seen the photos.
25:40I have in my hand the proof.
25:46I'm Sir Mick Jagger's love child.
25:54What?
25:55Give those to me.
25:56Give those to me.
25:57Give those to me.
25:58That's not Mick Jagger.
26:04That's our cousin Rosamund.
26:06Oh, God.
26:06She was rather Jagger-esque, don't you think?
26:08Look, with the slim hips and everything.
26:10Oh, my God.
26:10Did you get her round robin this year?
26:11They had to put down Pinky.
26:13Okay, so if Mick Jagger isn't holding your pregnant belly, then what is the big deal?
26:17Why didn't you want anyone to see them?
26:20Look, the thing is, I wasn't pregnant in this photograph.
26:22I was fat.
26:26What?
26:27It was the 70s.
26:28I'd just discovered Black Forest Gatto.
26:31And that's our big family secret, that you were once fat for a summer?
26:37Yes.
26:38Though your father rather liked it.
26:40And you were conceived on that holiday.
26:44Oh, God.
26:47I just sent Georgia May Jagger a DM.
26:52Can we, uh, feed them from a prison?
26:57What was she thinking?
26:59Oh, sorry, Joanie.
27:01Oh, it's all right.
27:02It's all right, honestly.
27:04Merry Christmas.
27:06If it's any consolation, I always felt that Ma and Pa loved you more than they loved me.
27:12Oh, well.
27:13I'd swap that any day for a go on a Hemsworth, brother.
27:17Ooh.
27:17Is that singing?
27:23Yes, it's Anne.
27:32She's falling in the ha-ha.
27:35She'll be fine.
27:36Come on.
27:37And then John McLean ties this hosepipe around his waist because he thinks the guy in the
27:43helicopter is going to shoot him.
27:45So he's got no way out.
27:46So he ties himself in nice and tight.
27:48Is he topless?
27:49No, no, no.
27:50But by this point, he's down to his vest.
27:53How is this a Christmas film?
27:55What?
27:56You all right?
27:57Of course, it's a Christmas film.
27:59Anyway, just a helicopter.
28:00I'm sorry Mick Jagger wasn't your father.
28:03I just thought that I was special.
28:10You are special.
28:12I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep with a Rolling Stone.
28:20Well, I did sleep with Mick once or twice back in the day, but not in a way that you
28:24would get pregnant.
28:25Right, everyone, we're going to do Amanda's photo.
28:29Oh, Mummy.
28:29What?
28:29Really?
28:30Shall I get the pavlova?
28:32You know what?
28:32I mean, I could take the pavlova.
28:33No, guys, you're all in it.
28:35Come on.
28:37Everyone ready?
28:38Yeah.
28:38Yeah, I'll just do the timer.
28:40Hang on.
28:41Oh, no, no.
28:42Quickly, quickly.
28:43Hang on.
28:43Hang on.
28:44Okay, everyone.
28:44Quickly, quickly.
28:45Come on, everybody.
28:45Shh.
28:46Are we ready?
28:46Shh.
28:47Say cheese.
28:48Cheese.
28:49Cheese.
28:49Cheese.
28:49Cheese.
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