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00:00Hey, look, look, look, look, this ain't no special track, this ain't no hot-ass motherfucker, but we gon'
00:08I'ma-
00:08Oh, I like that too. That's, uh, wait a minute now.
00:16We might have to rock that motherfucker.
00:30We might have to rock that motherfucker.
01:00We might have to rock that motherfucker.
01:29The no-show, we set a league record, and then we won the country.
01:33Fuckin' A.
01:34I see an opportunity here.
01:35To relax, recharge?
01:37To ruin everything.
01:38Dude, you are no fun at all.
01:39They haven't stopped the party since the tournament.
01:41And they ain't stopping until they drank from the cup at every landmark in Sudbury.
01:44Where now?
01:45Including, but not limited to,
01:47The Beef and Bird,
01:50Bridge of Nations,
01:53and Bell Park Splash and Run.
01:55We know the off-season is dangerous for hockey players.
02:01Sluts.
02:01But it's summer in Sud Vegas. Let's take a break.
02:04I'm all for enjoying everything that comes along with winning.
02:06Super. Moving right along.
02:07But we've got to keep our guys between the lines.
02:09Fuck these guys. Let's party.
02:11Half of them have gone home for summer. That's only half the headache. Kick back.
02:14You want to be the best? Your work is never done.
02:16Yawn.
02:17We have a reputation to uphold.
02:18So your job this summer is to...
02:20Caretake. Babysit.
02:22Uphold it. Keep our guys between the lines.
02:25We've had some tall orders with this gig, but this one's the Matterhorn.
02:28This is Kilimanjaro.
02:30This is Kang Chang Junga.
02:31Why?
02:31Because they're obsessed with getting invited to Weird Sudbury.
02:34The party?
02:35Get it, get it, drop it low.
02:37All long, let it go.
02:39Get it, get it, drop it low.
02:41All long, let it go.
02:43You got to know someone on the inside.
02:44And they're out there working every angle.
02:46What is it exactly?
02:47Good and weird.
02:48People have no idea how funky things get in these northern Ontario towns.
02:51So what are you going to do?
02:52Beer and a shot.
02:53I mean, if you're not going to kick back for a sec after accomplishing everything you
02:57could possibly accomplish with this team in this country, what's your job this summer?
03:01Sure, Z.
03:04Life after hockey is tough.
03:06It's an identity for these guys, and they don't know what to do when it's over.
03:10He put his body on the line for us, night in, night out, and never complained.
03:14Just go to, you can't go no more.
03:16Good soldier.
03:17Now that he can't go for us in here, we owe it to him to make sure he's okay out there.
03:21The hockey world looks out for each other.
03:23Let's be there for our guy.
03:24Let's help him find his way.
03:26Bulldog hockey, baby.
03:27Hell yeah, fuck yeah.
03:29Oh, hey, that lady from the seminar last year called, and she wants to talk to him.
03:32To Shorzy?
03:33Yeah.
03:33Jill.
03:34She looks like Charlize Theron.
03:36Where is he?
03:37Starting his new chapter.
03:51You're a motherfuckin' just like, just like that.
03:53You're a motherfuckin' bat.
03:55Just like that.
03:55Okay, smile.
03:56You're a motherfuckin' just like, just like that.
03:58You're a motherfuckin' bat.
03:59Stop.
04:01You smile like you've got a thumb up your ass.
04:03But you look gorgeous.
04:05Me?
04:06No, her.
04:08Merci.
04:09Doesn't she look fabulous?
04:10Bit young, but...
04:11Sit.
04:14Congratulations.
04:15You are two-thirds of Bro Dude's new hockey show, Three on One, a sports show where three
04:19panelists discuss one topic.
04:20How's it feel?
04:21C'est malade.
04:21Don't care at all.
04:22What sets this sports show apart?
04:24It's short, quick hits.
04:26Hockey talk that pops into your social media feed and hooks you in before you can scroll down,
04:29click away, or watch porn instead.
04:30That's the goal anyway.
04:31We will be targeting a social media audience with the attention span of an iPad baby, so
04:36don't dick around.
04:37You will have mere seconds to captivate generation and patient before losing them.
04:41Seconds.
04:42But, don't worry.
04:43Anique's tits buy us at least five.
04:45Shorzy?
04:45What's left of him?
04:46Between your dental work and wardrobe, you're Bro Dude's new $10,000 man.
04:50Can I dip?
04:51You look pretty.
04:52C'est vrai.
04:52What do you think?
04:53I think you're maybe a fuckin' idiot if you think you got anything going for you here
04:56other than her tits.
04:57Actually, Shorzy, you're the draw.
04:59You think?
05:00I do.
05:00And you're maybe a fuckin' idiot, too.
05:02The two of you will be permanent fixtures of three-on-one.
05:05Those are your seats.
05:07In the coming weeks, we'll be test-driving a few personalities for this third seat.
05:11See if we can't find a winner.
05:12Who's our first experiment, Em?
05:13Shorzy, you've built an impressive audience on the Bro Dude Network by being a complete dick
05:18to your opponents.
05:19Disrespectful in general?
05:20I'd be sticking every one of them in the nuts right now if I could.
05:23We thought it might be fun to find an opponent you would respect.
05:27They didn't find one?
05:28We found one.
05:28Who?
05:30Let's get on the go, boys.
05:33Jim.
05:33Yeah.
05:33Jim.
05:34Yes.
05:34Jim.
05:35Dolo, I don't think I texted on your birthday this year, so happy bladed, buddy.
05:38What do you have, missus?
05:40Plenty of room for everyone.
05:42Welcome aboard.
05:46Sorry, boys.
05:48She's full of the bread.
05:49We'll get you on the way back.
05:50Welcome to 3-on-1, presented by Bro Dude Energy.
06:07I'm your host, Annika Archambault, with the guy you all know as Shorzy.
06:10And with us today is one of the great captains of all time.
06:14One of the most beloved Leafs ever.
06:16And certainly the most respected, mesdames et messieurs, Dougie Gilmore.
06:20Thank you for having me, Annika.
06:21Dougie Gilmore.
06:22Today's topic, who is the best fighter in hockey?
06:25Shorzy, we'll start with you.
06:27You should start with Dougie Gilmore.
06:28I like to move clockwise.
06:30Shorzy, best fighter in hockey.
06:31She should start with Dougie Gilmore.
06:33Why are you talking to me?
06:34Hockey people will want to hear from Dougie Gilmore.
06:37Just Doug works.
06:37That time Marty McSorley stuck the elbow out on you, I almost went through the TV screen.
06:42Oh, yeah?
06:42I said, that's Dougie Gilmore.
06:44Well, what I hear, you'd elbow me the same way.
06:46Elbow Dougie Gilmore?
06:47Doug works.
06:48No, I respect you too much.
06:50Stick the elbow out on Marty.
06:52Cuts!
06:53Say, top three NHL tough guys of all time.
06:56You got Marty?
06:57This isn't the Shorzy we want.
06:59Was the tooth a mistake?
07:00Hockey players respect the hierarchy.
07:02You can't beat it out of them.
07:03He respects Dougie Gilmore too much.
07:06He'll always defer to him.
07:07Who's number one?
07:08Joey Kosher.
07:09Then let's find someone he respects less.
07:20Welcome to 3 on 1 presented by BroDude Energy.
07:23I'm your host, Annika Archambault, with the guy you all know as Shorzy.
07:26And joining us today is legendary fighter, Stanley Cup champion, not to mention the great
07:32one's protector, mesdames et messieurs, Marty McSorley.
07:35Thanks for having me, Annika.
07:36Today's topic, who is the best fighter in hockey?
07:39Shorzy?
07:40You should start with Mr. McSorley.
07:42He threw straight down the pipe.
07:44Then I look forward to his answer right after yours.
07:46She should start with Mr. McSorley.
07:48You're talking to me again, Shorzy.
07:49I'm not on the show, remember?
07:50Mr. McSorley threw straight down the tube.
07:53I don't want to be called Mr. McSorley.
07:54You don't talk to me either.
07:56Let's stay focused here, gentlemen.
07:57I thought you didn't respect Marty.
07:59Who said I didn't respect Mr. McSorley?
08:00If you don't want him talking to you, then you can't talk to him.
08:02He said he'd stick the elbow out on Marty.
08:04Don't talk to me either.
08:05That doesn't mean I don't respect him.
08:07Don't call me Mr. McSorley.
08:08I'd stick the elbow out on a small disabled dog if it got me a W.
08:12I'm not your dad.
08:13Well, you might be with the hours you put on the old work bench, eh?
08:16God, Bach Mac.
08:17Huh?
08:17I don't know his mom.
08:18Well, neither do I.
08:19But if I did, I'd hope she'd bang Marty McSorley.
08:22Stop talking to me.
08:24What a flop.
08:25It's not a flop.
08:26What a bust.
08:26Oh, it's not a bust yet.
08:27Well, if it is, his dental work's coming out of your paycheck.
08:30There's got to be a way to get the Shorzy we want.
08:32He's just, he's got to feel like he has a seat at the table.
08:35This isn't a hard job.
08:36We call action, you show us your personality.
08:38Well, we need someone who will trigger his personality.
08:40Someone who'll get him going.
08:41Well, we started with somebody he respects, then somebody he respects less.
08:46He built off his audience, teeing off on people he doesn't respect at all.
08:50Maybe we shouldn't complicate this.
08:52Give the people what they already know and love.
08:53You're right.
08:54He's our protagonist of our panel.
08:56He's our hero.
08:57Exactly, ma.
08:59So let's find him a villain.
09:05Nat?
09:11Sean Avery?
09:13The one and only, baby.
09:14You got Sean fucking Avery?
09:16Love him or hate him, you can't wait to hear what he says next.
09:18No, that's Don Cherry.
09:20This is Sean Avery.
09:21You're familiar with my work.
09:22Yeah, the biggest rat of all time.
09:23How do you call me the biggest rat of all time?
09:25It looks like a duck and swims like a duck.
09:27I said rat.
09:28Why are you talking about ducks?
09:29Never suspended once, but the biggest rat of all time?
09:31You're a rat too, Shorzy.
09:32You guys should get along great.
09:33Yeah, that's actually high praise coming from me.
09:35Who are you again?
09:36Save it for the show.
09:37You don't know what you're doing at all, eh?
09:38What's that come on?
09:39Half the people see us come on are going to see him and go click.
09:42I beg to differ.
09:43Is everyone set?
09:44What are they clicking there, Shorzy?
09:45A TV from the 1950s?
09:47Just go.
09:48We're rolling.
09:48Welcome to 3 on 1 presented by Bro Dude Energy.
09:51I'm Annika Archambault with a guy you all know as Shorzy.
09:54And today's guest panelist is the man who reset the bar for pests in hockey.
09:58The ultimate irritator, the infamous...
10:00Never suspended once.
10:01Sean Avery.
10:02I never get sick of hearing my own name.
10:04Today's topic, who is the best fighter in hockey?
10:06Shorzy.
10:07Yeah, definitely start with him.
10:08If it's a question about the NHL, I only played about 600 games.
10:11So let's hear from the real grizzled vet first.
10:14Are you going to sit like that the whole time?
10:16Like what?
10:17Like a woman.
10:17This makes you uncomfortable?
10:19No, it makes me uncomfortable as you're wearing enough cologne for 20 broads.
10:22It's not my cologne.
10:23That's her labia.
10:24That's my hair product.
10:25It's her fallopian tubes.
10:26But if we're talking about hair...
10:27We're not talking about hair.
10:28We're getting a little thin up there, Shorzy.
10:30Best fighter in hockey.
10:31The front of your hair looks like a piece of land that juts out into a body of water.
10:34What's that called?
10:35A peninsula?
10:36You're a fucking peninsula head.
10:37Oh, well, look at your patchy ass beard.
10:39It's not patchy.
10:40Yeah, I've seen patchier.
10:41Looks like a group of islands out in the water.
10:43What's that called?
10:44An archipelago?
10:44Yeah, your narcopelago face.
10:46Point your weird head down to the camera.
10:48Oh, I bet you'd love for me to point my head down.
10:50Your hairline looks like a hairpin turn on a racetrack.
10:53You're a fucking hairpin turn head.
10:56Oh, you're the funniest guy in Canada, Avery?
10:57I'm actually American now.
10:59Of course you are, you fucking border hopper.
11:01I'm a dual citizen living in L.A.
11:02Fucking fence rider.
11:03I love the U.S.
11:04We'll borrow a cup of sugar from your neighbor, you get shot in the dick.
11:07And that's all for three on a different topic than the one we had planned, but I doubt
11:11anyone's complaining.
11:12Stay tuned for more from BroDude Energy.
11:15Who's clicking away from that?
11:21It's a progress to provocation.
11:23Why isn't he here for this?
11:25Sure is he?
11:26No, Bart Simpson.
11:27Because he doesn't care.
11:28Right.
11:29At all.
11:29That really bugs me.
11:31And it's a Sudbury Saturday night.
11:33You won't miss one of those.
11:34What happens on a Sudbury Saturday night?
11:44What happens on a Sudbury Saturday night?
12:14They're going to ruin everything.
12:21They're everywhere.
12:23Where?
12:23Including, but not limited to, the Big Nickel, Science North, and Diamond's Gentleman's Club.
12:30Get these guys to behave.
12:37Get us into weird Sudbury.
12:40You'll never see us behave so good as what we does.
12:42The woman from the seminar's called again.
12:46The one who looks like Charlize Theron?
12:48She wants to talk about setting up a mentorship program.
12:51You gotta be kidding me.
12:52No, it's no joke, Zeke.
12:53I got a full rack, and now I got tens throwing rocks at my windows in the middle of the night.
12:57I like the teeth.
12:58Tanger's gone home for the summer if you want to do something about it.
13:01Nope.
13:01New teeth, beard quaffs, spray tan.
13:04Can't get used to it.
13:05You look like you got queer-eyed by a blind guy.
13:06I got tens all over me.
13:08You know what it is.
13:09Settle down.
13:09Now I'm just like Goody.
13:10He went tubing with two tens on Tuesday.
13:12Really?
13:13You got a tuggy on a tube?
13:16Yeah, Goody got a tube tuggy.
13:17Really?
13:17Yeah.
13:18Really?
13:18Yeah.
13:20That's so cool.
13:21Tubing's unbelievable.
13:22Yeah, the boys love tubing.
13:23Tens, eh?
13:24Two.
13:24Come find me.
13:25I'll teach you how to make him Wim Hof.
13:26All right.
13:28Best team in the country.
13:30Yeah!
13:31Best spy!
13:32I'll never get sick of saying it.
13:33Good for it.
13:34Congratulations.
13:35Not seriously?
13:36Cut the fuck up, Michaels.
13:37As I've said before, it's important to celebrate the win.
13:39Yeah.
13:40To relish the victory.
13:41Yeah.
13:42To commemorate the triumphs.
13:43Yeah.
13:44But there is a reasonable amount of time to celebrate something like this,
13:48and I think that you've surpassed it.
13:50It's time to turn off the tap.
13:53As if on the pressure, at the very least.
13:54And do what?
13:56Get busy doing something else, slut.
13:58All the boys are busy.
13:59No, you're not.
14:00All the boys are busy.
14:01With what?
14:01Did you not just hear me say Goody went tubing with two tens?
14:04On Tuesday.
14:05So?
14:06So Goody got a tuggy on a tube.
14:07All right, guys.
14:08They're not occupying.
14:09That's a nice place.
14:10What are you so busy with, Dolo?
14:11Getting neck on a kneeboard.
14:12Hitch?
14:13Coitus on a catamaran.
14:14You?
14:15Fucking deep throat on a houseboat.
14:17You know, I'm a villain.
14:18Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
14:19It's the off-season, Nat.
14:21Summer in South Vegas.
14:22Take a break from the Bulldogs.
14:23Fucking A.
14:24Zeke.
14:25Take a break from hockey.
14:26Co-sign.
14:27Me?
14:27And come out with us and just crush beer.
14:30Beer?
14:31No.
14:32We have spent the last two years establishing a glowing reputation in the city of Sudbury.
14:37We've filled our rink with families.
14:39We've hosted educational seminars for kids.
14:41And one webinar.
14:41The Bulldogs are positive members of this community.
14:45And I won't have it going to shit with you guys acting like idiots all summer.
14:51Well, Natalie, there is the matter of weird Sudbury.
14:55The party?
14:56Get it, get it, drop it low.
14:58Oh, no, let it go.
15:00Get it, get it, drop it low.
15:02Oh, no, let it go.
15:04You gotta know someone on the inside.
15:05Perhaps you does.
15:07What is it exactly?
15:08It's good and weird.
15:09Can we double click on that for a second?
15:10Can you piss me off so much more we're not playing hockey?
15:12No.
15:17Okay, boys.
15:18Who wants to get a handy in a hammock?
15:20Yeah.
15:21Fine.
15:23We will get you guys into weird Sudbury.
15:25Yeah.
15:26But you have to keep it between the lines until then.
15:28Define between the lines.
15:30Okay, go have fun.
15:31You've earned it.
15:32Do it.
15:34Just don't overdo it.
15:40Deal.
15:43Big weekend in Sudvegas, Shorzy?
15:46Treat the missus to some Eastside Mario's or what?
15:49Maybe a little DQ drive-thru?
15:50He's done after today, right?
15:52Sean?
15:52Yeah.
15:53He served his purpose.
15:55He got Shorzy to be Shorzy, but we must continue evolving.
15:58Should have stayed here for the weekend, big fella,
16:00taking you shopping.
16:01That's pretty gay, Sean.
16:02You'd have been just a weapon of mass destruction in T.O.
16:05Yeah, I got a full rack and 100 DMs from 10s.
16:07So many girls hinged, downloaded you, eh?
16:09Take two steps, I'm tripping over ass.
16:11I'm coming out with you, big man.
16:12Just a couple of swinging dicks in the 416.
16:14Welcome to 3-on-1 presented by BroDude Energy.
16:17I'm Annette Carchambault with the guy you all know as Shorzy.
16:19And returning to the panel today is infamous super pest...
16:22Plog.
16:23Sean Avery.
16:24Hear that?
16:24What?
16:25Thousands of people hearing your name and changing the channel.
16:27It's a web show, Charlie Brown.
16:29Today's topic is concussions.
16:31Head trauma.
16:32Yeah, it looks like Sean's got face trauma.
16:34What does that even mean?
16:35It means it looks like someone beat you over the face with a shovel.
16:37They didn't, I'd know.
16:38You're a shovel face, Sean.
16:39And how your hairline managed to retreat that much further over the weekend, it's remarkable.
16:43Thanks.
16:44If I lived above a face that ugly, I'd seek higher ground, too.
16:47Moving right along.
16:48It's low tide on Shorzy's beachfront.
16:50Head trauma in hockey.
16:51It's a good topic for you, Shorzy.
16:52Concussions ended your career recently, right?
16:55Correct.
16:55How many conkeys?
16:56Let's go through them.
16:57That'll be fun for me.
16:58Let's start with the last one.
16:59You know, it was the craziest thing.
17:01I come to, there's 20 broads standing around me, all 10s.
17:04I bet.
17:04And the one before that?
17:05I come to, there's three French broads mid-orgasm.
17:08I'm not even fully hard yet.
17:09Okay.
17:10And the one before that?
17:11I come to, I'm banging a nine with a bunch of dead 10s on the ground that she fought to
17:14the death for me.
17:15I would love to see what a 10 looks like in your mind, Shorzy.
17:18Her.
17:18Oh, well, I know whose side I'm on.
17:20Bit young, but...
17:21Woo-hoo!
17:21I told you.
17:24You told me.
17:25I was right.
17:26Yep, we've really got something here.
17:28Shorzy.
17:28Let's get some fucking crab rangoon.
17:30You were great today.
17:31Congratulations.
17:32You must be proud.
17:33Don't care at all.
17:34Why?
17:35Because I'd rather be in Sudbury getting a beach on a boat.
17:38You really don't care about any of this?
17:40Coming to Toronto, being on a TV show?
17:43It's a web show.
17:44Nope.
17:45Then why are you here?
17:47I can't play hockey anymore.
17:49And I'm worried about what will happen to me if I have a moment to sit with that.
17:56You're coaching with Sanger next season.
17:58Yes.
17:58No.
17:58Yes.
17:59No.
17:59Why not?
18:00Because not having the option to get out there and do something myself would drive me to drink.
18:05Drinking on the bench now is kind of fun.
18:07Yeah, it does.
18:08I won't convince you to coach Shorzy, but for now, Brodard is giving you an opportunity
18:12to stay in hockey.
18:13It's not hockey.
18:14It's what you've got.
18:15This is it.
18:16You're not going into the corners anymore.
18:18You're not driving hard to the net.
18:19You're not punching anybody in the back of the head.
18:21You need to turn the page.
18:24This is how you keep contributing.
18:26It doesn't scratch the itch.
18:30What's your favorite thing about it?
18:32About what?
18:33Hanukkah.
18:34Huh?
18:34Hockey, idiot.
18:35Winning?
18:36You love to win.
18:37Well, I hate to lose.
18:39You need to create a scenario in this where there's a winner and a loser.
18:43How do you...
18:44You may not care about being on TV, but you care if you win.
18:47So, if the show does well, you win.
18:49If it doesn't...
18:50I lose.
18:52And then you'll have a moment to sit with it.
18:54I have a moment to sit with it.
19:23Look what these TV people did to your face.
19:45Why?
19:46It's like a face for radio.
19:48Not that ugly.
19:49It doesn't matter.
19:50I got bigger fish to fry.
19:51Oh, do you?
19:52Oh, yeah.
19:52Do you really?
19:53I do like crazy.
19:54He's got a TV gig in Toronto, but he's got bigger fish to fry.
19:57I got more pressing matters.
19:59He gets to sit and gab with a hot French girl, but his mind is elsewhere.
20:02It's miles away.
20:03Where?
20:04I mean, on what?
20:04Or why?
20:06Because this is the summer I close on Laura Moore.
20:09Oh, yeah?
20:09Oh, yeah.
20:10What does that mean?
20:12More sleepovers?
20:13Oh, many more sleepovers.
20:14Like, maybe we sleep over more than we don't.
20:20This is going really well.
20:21I know.
20:23Yeah?
20:23And I'm scared.
20:24I'm terrified.
20:25Shut up.
20:25I'm flailing on the inside.
20:27Look, you gotta be careful when you got kids, Shorzy.
20:29I don't let just any dude in.
20:30I gotta be sure.
20:32And for me to be sure, you gotta be sure.
20:34Sure, sure, sure, sure.
20:35You just won best team in the country.
20:37We?
20:37I'm sure you're gonna want to enjoy the perks that come along with that.
20:40It's summer in San Vegas.
20:41It's not fucking Playa del Carmen.
20:44I know what goes on.
20:45It's not fucking Belo Horizonte.
20:46I'm ready to take things to the next level.
20:50But I need to be sure that you're sure.
20:53So, go have fun with the boys.
20:55See if you're sure.
20:56What?
21:02Even when you're slamming the door in my face, I'm an absolute pile for ya.
21:09I know.
21:10Even when you're being just ruthless, I think you're so fucking hot.
21:13I know.
21:14I think you're so fucking cool.
21:16You can get hotter than me.
21:17No, I can't.
21:18You have.
21:19No, I haven't.
21:19What about Morgan Thiel is hot?
21:21You seen her lately?
21:22Kelly Adamson.
21:23If you're into body positivity...
21:25Erica Duncan is super hot.
21:27I know you banged her.
21:27No.
21:28No, she's not super hot?
21:29No, I never banged her.
21:30Why?
21:31Because her bedroom is fucking disgusting.
21:33You didn't bang her because she's messy?
21:35You try getting hard when it reeks like cat litter.
21:38Summer in San Vegas.
21:40Are you sure you don't want me to come inside, hang and fold your laundry?
21:43I'm serious.
21:43Take your new look out on the town.
21:45I look like I got groomed at pet value.
21:47I like everything but the tooth.
21:49Well, broads seem to like the tooth.
21:51A lot of broads out there, shorty.
21:53But this is the summer I close on Laura Moore.
21:56We shall see.
21:59You really think some movie star looking mom's just gonna come along and say I want you?
22:07I want you.
22:13I want you.
22:27I want you.
22:29Oh, don't keep it wet
22:31Oh, don't keep it
22:33I've been waiting
22:37I've been waiting
22:37I've been waiting
22:38I can't deny
22:53I can't even
22:57I can't even
22:59It's your days
23:00I'm so
23:03In you, baby
23:04Oh, don't keep it wet
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