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00:00.
00:18Look, whoever you're honking for, you got the wrong house!
00:20Dear Laura, it's me, Shorzy.
00:23I'm speaking to you through this pimple farmer for two reasons.
00:26One, I'm busy doing what I have to do to get a girl like you.
00:29And two, I want to show this zit face what it takes to get a girl like you.
00:33I'm sure you wish it was somebody better looking reading this, but if you can believe it, he's the least ugly of the four.
00:39Mason, the guy in the truck, is the most ugly.
00:41Fuck's sake.
00:42And ugliest of the four, four is spelt F-O-R.
00:46You asked me to fuck off for the summer and figure out if I'm sure about you and about us.
00:50It's been a long summer of reflection and consideration, but mostly pulling on it.
00:56More than I want to admit.
00:57Laura, much more of this and I'm going to pull that thing right off.
01:00I've also used this time to finally read the five languages of love, and I'll tell you this, that book is for broads.
01:07The five languages of love are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
01:13224 pages for five things any dumb fuck is doing for their sweetie without even thinking about it, if they're really into them.
01:20That's what I've been doing while you deny my affection.
01:23Putting in the work.
01:24Deny, spelt D-E-N-Y-E.
01:27What are you doing?
01:34Timed it almost perfectly, bud.
01:36Want me to keep reading?
01:36Shut the fuck up, Jack.
01:37Okay, but I...
01:38Well, just shut the fuck up.
01:39What are you doing?
01:40What it takes.
01:41What is wrong with you?
01:43I asked you what I had to do to get you.
01:46And you said...
01:47Run a marathon.
01:48I did?
01:49I fucking knew it.
01:50A whole one?
01:5142 kilometers, smartass.
01:53You want a noogie?
01:54You ran a marathon?
01:55Yeah.
01:55You ran a marathon?
01:57Yeah.
01:57You ran a marathon?
01:59Well, I fucking walked a bit, like, up that super steep hill by the water tower.
02:04I'm not fucking Terry Fox.
02:05You're crazy.
02:06Yeah, I had tens cat-calling me from convertibles the entire time.
02:09You better get your act together.
02:11I don't even remember saying...
02:12Run a marathon.
02:14Well, I remember everything you say.
02:16Do ya?
02:17Try me.
02:17When's my kid's birthday?
02:19April 9.
02:20When's Big Sexies?
02:21What's my death row meal?
02:22Crinkle-cut fries.
02:24What's mine?
02:25Box of Timbits.
02:26What's my pet peeve?
02:27People who go like this out their car window.
02:30What's mine?
02:31Commercials that make you cry.
02:32What superpower would I want?
02:34To breathe underwater, me?
02:35To heal people.
02:39Jack, finish the fucking letter.
02:40Today I ran a marathon, even though you probably don't remember telling me to.
02:44I'll run another one tomorrow if you want.
02:46I'll run another one right now.
02:48Tell me what to do and I'll do it.
02:49Because this is the summer I close on Laura Moore.
02:58Alright, Shorzy.
02:59Let's have a sleepover.
03:05That's how you do it.
03:07That's what it takes.
03:10Sometimes you gotta dance for him, Jake.
03:13Yeah.
03:13You want the girl?
03:15All right.
03:45When the sun gets shining bright
03:50When the sun gets shining bright
04:15Blueberry festival dance on Saturday boys
04:34Big Saturday night on deck here now
04:37I think those are blueberries
04:38Wait did they see the boys ripping it up
04:40Marcia Mercier won't know what hit her
04:42Who?
04:43Marissa Mercier
04:44Maria
04:44What?
04:45Maria Mercier
04:46Why do Maria Mercier sees the boys on the D floor?
04:49Hey can I just say you know I really appreciate
04:52Shut up
04:52What are you doing?
04:54Fuck everything's going so great
04:56Why you gotta be so fucking emotional?
04:57Sorry jeez
04:58If you're gonna be soft you're not gonna get a girl like Mariana Mercier
05:01Maria
05:01Maria Mercier's gonna be looking at the bulldogs anyway
05:04Well that's true Martina's probably gonna be looking at Doldo
05:07Let's be honest here
05:07Should be ready for that
05:08Maria
05:09I don't think you have to worry about her looking at Michael's though
05:11No thanks Shorty
05:12Also Hitch doesn't really strike me as Miranda Mercier's type
05:15The odds aren't good
05:17Goods are out
05:18And Doldo's not as good a dancer as me
05:20But he's much better looking
05:21So don't be surprised if he's getting the eyes for Margarita Mercier
05:24We're gonna look like idiots
05:25That's the point
05:26What?
05:27What?
05:28What?
05:29What?
05:30I bet you wish these were your blueberry buddies eh?
05:32Thought you'd love to be blueberry buddies with them
05:34Shut up
05:35We've come to tell you in person
05:36Woah what's up man?
05:37Shut the fuck up Michaels
05:39Goody, Dolo, Hitch
05:41You're in
05:42Guess who's in?
05:43You're in
05:44For what?
05:45Weird Sudbury
05:46Okay I don't even know
05:47Yes but
05:48Let's get good and weird boy
05:49When is it?
05:50Saturday
05:56Fuck you Shorty
05:57Fuck you
05:58Shut the door
05:59Let's everybody just calm down
06:00She said shut the door
06:01Shut the door
06:02Shut the door
06:03What are you gonna do?
06:04Now
06:05What?
06:06What?
06:07You told the blueberry buddies you'd go to the dance with them
06:09Yeah
06:10As I understand it you've prepared to dance with them?
06:12Yeah
06:13I'd call it more of a spectacle
06:14It's a car crash
06:15And now we've learned that the dance is the same night as weird Sudbury whatever that is
06:19Good and weird
06:21Yeah so
06:22So what are you gonna do?
06:23Go to the dance
06:24All of you?
06:25No
06:26Yes
06:27No just me and Michaels
06:28No one cares about Michaels
06:29I know I'd rather go by myself
06:30The kids don't look up to him the same way they look up to you guys
06:33I know it's almost like negative one
06:35What sort of parting message is this for them?
06:37You spent the summer working with them building a relationship
06:40You've planned this big dance
06:41Spectacle
06:42Multicar pilot
06:43You say you'll be there for them then three of you bail and something better comes along?
06:46They're your guys
06:47You have to be there for your guys
06:49The hockey world looks out for each other
06:51Bulldog hockey baby
06:53If this is who the Bulldogs are then
06:55Okay relax
06:56Holy
06:57Talk to them
07:00You're good at this Shorzy
07:02You should coach
07:06Alright so everybody listen up here now
07:09Accountability
07:10Not a chance me son
07:11Huh?
07:12We're going to the party bud
07:13Guys
07:14Shut the fuck up Michaels
07:15Bro you folk want to ask the party now
07:16You have to?
07:17Yeah monsieur
07:18While they dragging you there by the short and curly?
07:20Huh?
07:21Are they supposed to be curly?
07:22I thought the most thrilled I'd ever be to hear me named called was at the NHL draft
07:25First round no less
07:27How wrong I was
07:29The most thrilled I ever was to hear me named called was at
07:31Weird Sudbury we get it
07:33What is it anyway?
07:34Good and weird
07:35Look boys
07:37Boys would be boys boys
07:39Like
07:40Are you talking about the boys or the boys?
07:41The boys
07:42Be good
07:43Look that said it herself
07:44You're champions
07:45He means the boys proper
07:46And I'm all for enjoying everything that comes along with that
07:48Beat the S in Vegas baby
07:49But she also said
07:51There is a reasonable amount of time to celebrate something like this
07:54And I think that you've surpassed it
07:56And at this point
07:57Enough
07:58I agree with her
08:00Summer's pretty much over
08:02Say we hit our tubing quota
08:04Oh today's okay
08:05It was the best this year of my life
08:07And this cup celebration's been pretty sick too
08:10Phenomenal
08:11But I
08:15Bit selfish now
08:16Our hockey players hold each other accountable
08:18It's what we do
08:19If you're fucking up you're going to hear about it
08:21Let's hear it boy
08:22You bailed on the gyms
08:24Now you want to bail on the blueberry buddies
08:26Somewhere along the line
08:28This stop being about the team
08:29It's not hockey boys
08:30It's not about the Bulldogs anymore
08:32It's only about you
08:35Is this because we went to the party without Michael?
08:37No
08:38Let's just double click on that
08:39Shut the fuck up Michael's
08:40It's not what it's about
08:41Because if it was anybody else we would have sat it out with you
08:42Huh?
08:43It's only Michael's
08:44It's only Michael's
08:45Don't worry about it
08:46Hold on
08:47If it's only Michael's then why did you sit it out?
08:48I don't know
08:49I'm still wrestling with that a little bit
08:50Let's just zoom in on that
08:51Michael shut the fuck up
08:53Maybe we could do both
08:547 p.m. to 7 a.m. all man
08:56See someone Shorzy
08:57It's bad luck for the team if you bail
08:59Just a mess
09:00It's bad luck for the Bulldogs
09:01What about
09:02It's up to you
09:03It's more important
09:04You're the team
09:06Nice Shorzy
09:08Nice Shorzy
09:13You're good at this Shorzy
09:15You should coach
09:18But the boys ain't missing weird Sudbury
09:23Alright get on the bench
09:24Take your buckets off
09:25Any time now
09:26Alright first off
09:27A little stick tapper Jack
09:28For putting himself out there to get a girl
09:29And being rewarded with a follow back on some silly social media site
09:32Alright it's your last skate with the Bulldogs
09:33National champs
09:34I've seen your will shit hockey
09:35Let's see your banner in the rafters
09:36Alright we know you're all off to camp here pretty quick
09:38They're gonna be all over you with toxic masculinity and anti-femininity
09:39Anti-femininity
09:40Boys let's tell them what's really important
09:41Make a good first impression and always leave a lasting one
09:42Oh my god
09:43Hittin' them with the recycle material are you goody-bye
09:44Yep
09:45You're real proud of yourself with that one eh
09:46I am
09:47I am
09:48I am
09:49I am
09:50I am
09:51I am
09:52I am
09:53I am
09:54I am
09:55I am
09:56I am
09:57I am
09:58I am
09:59I am
10:00I am
10:01I am
10:02I am
10:03I am
10:04I am
10:05I am
10:06I am
10:07I am
10:08I am
10:09I am
10:10I am
10:11I am
10:12I am
10:13I am
10:14No I am
10:15I am
10:16Boys when you're on the ice there's no room for chit-chatting with the other team
10:18Don't be smiling at each other off the draws and all that
10:21Say hello after the game if you want but it's all business on the ice
10:24Your loyalty is to your team
10:26Joe Dolo
10:27It's sure the game has changed boys, it's not like you were
10:29But everyone likes it in the battle
10:30Your coach
10:31The guys are too busy on the side of you
10:33The kids in the estrades
10:34So if you want to make a difference, it's not complicated
10:35Drop the gloves
10:36Drop the gloves
10:37Michaels
10:38Look out for each other in the wild boys
10:40Check in
10:41Make sure the boys are doing okay, have a FaceTime if you can
10:44You never know when someone needs it
10:45And for fuck's sake protect yourselves out there
10:48As a hockey player you've got your stick and your elbow
10:51Your opponent has their neck and their nuts
10:54If they come anywhere near you, they get your stick and your elbow in their neck or their nuts
10:59Yeah I know what you're thinking, I've never been elbowed in the nuts before
11:02Neither had the no less than 500 dudes I've done it to, let's fucking go
11:06I think we'll all have a gym or two on our team
11:08Three if we're lucky
11:09Oh, did you guys square up with Jim?
11:11Yes pa
11:12And Jim?
11:13The gyms are unbelievable
11:23Alright, you're all off to camp real quick here now
11:26When you get there, what are you going to be?
11:28The best player on the ice
11:29You?
11:30Yeah
11:31No, you won't be, you can't skate
11:32I can skate
11:33Well yeah, like you got them on the wrong fucking feet
11:35No I don't
11:36You know you're supposed to stay low to the ground when you skate, eh?
11:39You fucking bob up and down like a figure skater
11:41Skating enough to get drafted to the O?
11:42Fucking skates like a bird
11:43What?
11:44You skate like one of those birds that fucking bobs when they walk
11:47Those fucking walking around like pecking shit
11:49What are those called? Emus?
11:50I don't know, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about
11:52Alpacas?
11:53Alpacas are more like camels
11:54Well I know they're fucking mammals, idiot
11:56I said camels
11:57Alright
11:58Raise your hand if you think Carter's an ugly skater
12:01Fuck you, Shorzy
12:02Now let's point to the guy who's a fucking liar
12:04What was the question?
12:05Alright, you're all going off to camp here
12:07When you get there, what are you going to be?
12:10The highest scoring defenseman
12:11Come on
12:12What?
12:13You?
12:14Yeah
12:15Well you better hope there isn't an egg between you and the net
12:16Why would there be a...
12:17He means your shot couldn't break an egg
12:19Better hope there isn't a house of cards in the way of the pucks not getting through
12:22Fuck you, Shorzy
12:23Better hope there isn't a little popsicle stick fence
12:25Held together by fucking paste
12:27Shut up
12:28You can't skate
12:29You can't shoot
12:30You're ugly
12:31And he's so fucking awkward
12:33Oh my god
12:34But you're lucky
12:35Cause none of that really matters
12:37What matters is effort
12:39Work ethic
12:40So when you get to camp
12:42What are you going to be?
12:44The hardest worker out there
12:45That's right
12:46The hardest worker out there
12:47Say it again
12:48The hardest worker out there
12:49That's right
12:50That's right
12:51Say it again
12:52The hardest worker out there
12:53Hell yeah fuck yeah
12:54Hell yeah fuck yeah
12:55That's what matters
12:56That's what gets you remembered
12:58You understand?
12:59Do you think anyone's going to be thinking about Jack's big forehead when they see a guy who will play an entire period if you need him to?
13:05Do you think anyone's going to be thinking about Mason's back sits when they see a guy who's willing to push through the pain?
13:10And hey
13:12Don't forget where you come from
13:14You're from the north
13:16You're from Sudbury
13:18We ain't pretty and we get dirty
13:21Make fucking sure when they see your number out there they see your hometown in the program and they say bingo
13:27Of course
13:28You're from the home of the smokestacks
13:31You're from the home of the mines
13:33And you're from the home of the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs bitch
13:37Represent
13:38Are you ready?
13:40Yeah
13:41Don't sound like it boys
13:42Yeah
13:43Ready to do what it takes
13:44Yeah
13:45To be unforgettable
13:46Yeah
13:47Yeah
13:48Yeah
13:49Get dirty
13:50Get ugly
13:51Get the job done
13:52Let's go
13:53Let's go
13:54Let's go
13:55Let's go
13:56Here we go
13:57You're good at this Shorzy
13:58You should coach
13:59Yeah what are you going to do man?
14:05When you don't know where to go
14:06Go where you need it
14:07Go where you're needed
14:08Go where you're needed
14:09Go where you're needed
14:10Do theуй
14:12Go WHO
14:13Go where you're needed
14:14Go where you're needed
14:15At the gym
14:16If you don't have time in life
14:17You can do nooga
14:19You would last time at the gym
14:20Go that way
14:21You can do it
14:22You can do it
14:23Boil arms
14:24Go where you're needed
14:25Beware
14:27Go where you're needed
14:27Go where you're needed
14:28Go where you're needed
14:29A hesitancy
14:30Go where you're needed
14:31Go where you'renot Superior
14:32Right here, let's go.
14:46No, slut, what if I was...
14:47You never do anything but hockey. It's fine. Shut up.
14:49Then leave me alone about it.
14:51I'm putting it here.
14:52Putting what here?
14:53My love.
14:57Why is this so awkward?
14:59You told me to find a place to put my love.
15:01Yeah.
15:01And so I'm putting it here.
15:02With the Bulldogs.
15:03Sure, Z, I told you, you're too hurt to play.
15:05It's a coach!
15:08I think.
15:10Honestly, it's going so bad, I don't even know anymore.
15:13You came in here with real momentum and you just kind of squashed it.
15:16It was supposed to be a great moment, and you ruined it.
15:18Sold out.
15:23Wait.
15:26Are you sure?
15:27Yeah.
15:28You're sure?
15:29Yes.
15:29We're doing this?
15:30Look, I know you're a woman and everything, but I'm not going to be constantly reassuring you.
15:34Shut up.
15:36If you're in, prove it.
15:39I'm Jory Jordan with the Sudbury Kids Sport Report, and we are back with breaking news.
15:45After failing on TV like everyone knew he would, number 69 Shorer crawls back to the
15:49armpit of Ontario to try the only thing left and you can't do.
15:51Teach.
15:52Shorer's with nowhere to go but down.
15:53I guess I'm wondering.
15:54What's up?
15:55Was it love of the game that brought you back, or the fact that you have nothing else going
15:57for you personally or professionally?
15:59With the Bulldogs' recent success, many say a coaching shake-up is as welcome as hemorrhoids
16:03at a pool party.
16:03Your thoughts?
16:05Shit-thin-gears here.
16:06As far as vices go, what most drew you to chewing tobacco, the sucking or the spitting?
16:10Many have questioned Nat's decision to hand the team over to a man with the emotional intelligence
16:13of a poopy baby and the common sense of a modern liberal.
16:15I'm curious.
16:15Are you sleeping with her?
16:16And if so, what's that like?
16:18I'm quite serious, as it's the only logical explanation here.
16:21Is the sex 10 out of 10, as most would assume, or does it eclipse total perfection like I've
16:24been speculating on for years, both publicly and privately?
16:27Do you take a full Cialis for something like that, or can you get by with just a hat?
16:31Would you say it was more awkward or disappointing when she screamed out my name instead of yours?
16:36Some final thoughts here, Shorzy.
16:37You've always been dumb and ugly.
16:38At your age, it won't be long until you're dumb, ugly, and fat.
16:40Care to comment?
16:41With sea levels constantly rising, is it comforting to watch your hairline constantly receding?
16:44Last one here, Shorzy, and we'll get you on your way.
16:46As a man lacking any sort of real relationship in his life, most would assume it's because
16:49you're stupid.
16:49I think it's because you're boring.
16:51Who's right here?
17:01Hey!
17:02Go Bulldogs!
17:03Where are we going drinking with the cup tonight, boys?
17:05Woo!
17:09So, how does it feel?
17:13Like the itch has been scratched.
17:16It ain't the Bulldogs without you, man.
17:18Can you imagine us playing this season without you being there?
17:20Might have been there.
17:21In what capacity?
17:22Just pop in and shower with the boys.
17:24I said find a place to put your love.
17:25I didn't mean literally.
17:26Just have a couple giggles and go.
17:28Don't fight me so much next time.
17:31Thanks for helping me get there.
17:36Big night.
17:38Blueberry festival dance.
17:39Don't worry.
17:39We'll behave for you.
17:41You know, I realized something.
17:44I have been down your throats all summer about this team's reputation.
17:48Down our throats?
17:49I know.
17:49I know.
17:50You've been straight up our dumpers.
17:52I thought you were acting like idiots.
17:56Hurting our reputation.
17:57Drinking from the cup all over Greater Sudbury.
18:00I'm sad I missed the splash and go.
18:03The Beef and Bird must have been a highlight.
18:05Yeah, Porchetta Bingo would have been my first stop.
18:07Looked like good times at Sudbury Cartways.
18:10I'm right in the middle of Bridge of Nations.
18:11And you were acting like idiots.
18:19But you were doing what you should be doing.
18:22Sharing it with the community.
18:25That's my bulldogs.
18:28That's my guys.
18:32I hope they have fun tonight.
18:34I hope they have fun tonight.
19:04I hope they have fun tonight.
19:34I hope they have fun tonight.
23:34You must smell Cory's mom.
23:36Fuck you, Shorzy.
23:37Your mom's no better, Cor.
23:38Her underwear's so poopy she could grow mushrooms in there.
23:41Fuck you, Shorzy.
23:42Fuck you, Cory.
23:43I know your mom has separation anxiety, but she's got to stop FaceTiming me from the toilet.
23:48Fuck you, Shorzy.
23:49Fuck you, Liam, your mom sent me video over ripping a three-octave fart.
23:53I laughed so hard I almost fell out of Cory's mom's bed.
23:56Fuck you.
23:56We asked for us to follow.
24:02Woo!
24:04We asked for us, they were shining.
24:09Three, four, three.
24:14One, three, four.
24:44One, three, four.
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