Dick And Paula Celebrity Special_ Episode 2

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Transcript

00:00from the dick and paula show hold on one second hon oh i'm just doing some squat thrusts and

00:07a little out of breath what can i do you for well i'm just trying to get basic information i'm

00:11kind of coming up empty-handed uh what do you mean well you're a huge war hero we know this

00:17i don't like to all right well yeah yeah well uh no records of you exist really god damn

00:24bureaucracy yeah uh okay you know what i'll just bring my uh my records oh are you sure because

00:30this is my job no no no no no i appreciate sure anything else uh now um i need your social

00:37security number all right you know what i'm standing here on my uh you know posing strap

00:41can i do my social security number a little later hon you know i'm dripping like a piece of rancid

00:46pork here oh of course

00:48hi everyone i'm vicky i think i talked to you all hi vicky hi vicky hi paul how are you glad

01:06everyone got a chance to meet i saw you're all mingling i don't know who they are oh excuse me

01:11marion butch huxtap how are you oh paul revere military man one military man to another you got

01:18nice nice to meet you marquis decide how you doing how are you i'm sorry marquis what

01:22decide not the decide no just decide no i i not marquis the decide but no there's no the in it it's

01:30just marquis okay i'm thinking of somebody else this morning i wake up i have no sensation in my

01:37right hand so i pinch my finger nothing i take a pin from the night table i prick my finger my wife

01:43screams at the top of her lungs what a relief but even you know even when i was in the hospital the

01:49doctor thought he was a comedian he says to me what has two arms two legs and cancer of the spleen

01:54luckily it was the guy next to me you're the babe hound yeah yeah well i've been around you like to

02:00get a little uh salty with the the gals huh what's uh salty i'm trying to make green room conversation

02:06you guys are uh military though right because i yeah yeah yeah i did that as well i i was uh third

02:11generation military in my case it's a pleasure to meet you my friend thank you a war hero is that

02:16uh oh listen then when your company i'm a little ashamed but a couple i i yeah the good lord uh

02:21saw to it it's funny we're all kind of war yeah touching me are you what you're kind of well it was

02:26just yeah a little bit of close there oh sorry hey fellas this is going to be the tony awards in here

02:31i'm out of here hi hi oh vicky hi yeah we just so maybe what would be best to do is uh test it on

02:40you because you're here when you're going to marry and make a nice family the two years well well you

02:45know and why don't we just test we'll test the mic okay yeah i'll just put my cupid arrows back in

02:51my quiver yeah hey if i could pitch a uh gig we're doing a reunion the band is getting back together

02:59again to vfw on route nine johnny storm and the uh low depressions thursday night no cover charge

03:05shoe drink minimum and all the proceeds will be kept in a safe place so let me get this uh set up

03:13here okay do you want me to uh vicky help her well you just have to take uh your sweater off and uh

03:18the blouse goes too oh yeah i think i can get it i it's easier because i would make sense for me yeah

03:23it's easier this way pat my oxygen tank when you walk by we did it's good luck

03:27the marquis de sade is with us for the first time tonight give it up and also on the show is a

03:35really extraordinary war hero from the second world war who's counting marion butch huxtap

03:41i think he was the guy who actually invented the expression i'm marion butch huxtap

03:47i'm just guessing oh honey i feel so tense could you just like rub my shoulders i can't right now

03:53i'm too tense there we go how's that great hi vicky hi hi vick do you see what i'm wearing

04:00oh no what yeah you see a little little tiny thing right there what is that noticing it's a lavalier

04:08mic what are you wearing that for well you know johnny's got that new segment guess what i'm

04:12thinking is is that today we do that oh yeah we're starting today johnny said it's all set up

04:17and so we got him the mic and he can walk around the audience gonna be big why are you wearing it

04:22honey oh we're testing it i'm sorry and he's just seeing when i walk around the building can he hear

04:27us now are you on oh yeah we're live jack i'm here hi jack yeah i'm hearing you you can one two three

04:34is that a good level on that no what is it i thought i heard my son calling me forget it i think this

04:41is a great idea jack i know that i can't hear you but i think it's just great it's it's great

04:46jack it's great okay so i'm gonna go uh talk to jack make sure this thing worked great okay bye-bye

04:53thanks vick yeah thanks jack all right honey that's enough enough what enough talking into

04:58the microphone baby you gotta be thorough yeah i was wondering if i could have like my own key

05:05because i always have the rest of the guests go to the guest bathroom you well that's my point

05:10you don't want to look at these guys i mean oh let me tell you something my friend you could

05:15drink my urine i don't uh eat any uh processed meats i could drink nothing but pure waters don't be

05:21offended well i mean then don't uh you know you know i don't feed horse poop to the pony my i'm sure

05:26that's not what he meant sorry i'm sorry i'm under a lot of stress oh that's okay no my my stump hurts

05:32okay

05:33hey so america's best love couple in no particular order please welcome dick and paula

05:49thank you thank you so much what a wonderful crowd thank you johnny great okay i'm gonna have

05:56to call security now i'm excited yeah that'll pass hey i meant to tell you my dad called me last night

06:04three in the morning says guess what when i get up to pee now i don't have to turn on the light it

06:07goes on automatically when i'm done peeing it goes off automatically i said dad you're peeing in the

06:12fridge i'm gonna start off and you help me out on good goes this old man and you go he says he

06:21played one no no what you do is i'm gonna go this old man you go he says he says okay so this old man

06:27he says he plays one he says he plays knick-knack on his thumb with a knick-knack patty whack precisely

06:35you know give the dog a bone it's those old classics that are built why is it you can't hear

06:42stories like that on the radio johnny you gotta turn it on

06:45and uh paula and then we have the infamous marquita sod yes isn't that exciting i can't wait to meet him

06:54see what he's wearing and world war ii veteran and hero marion butch hockstep yeah i met him in

07:03the green room seems like a real uh regular joe gi joe you too enjoy kidding around a little bit

07:11yeah andy hi aunt paula how are you how how i'm doing great what's feeling better really were you

07:23sick no i'm just feeling better about things in general oh good so andy honey tell me what you've

07:29been doing what i've been trying to do is come up with ideas for celebrities what they call out here

07:34vehicles have you heard the expression john travolta it's going to be a vehicle for john travolta right

07:40right and they're always trying to come up with a show with john larrakhan i love john larrakhan so

07:45for example john larrakhan's always a cranky guy i see him how about he's a cranky death row

07:51executioner guy right he actually straps people into the electric chair uh-huh but he can't stop with

07:57the wisecracks right that's great like the guy like the the guy who's getting killed will go excuse

08:03me sir uh those straps are a little tight and he's like wisecracking like hey why should i listen to

08:08you for you're going to be dead in a minute that kind of a thing so you know i do want to tell you

08:12that i am coming up with also some vehicles for myself too are you this is a show i'm working on

08:18i think you'll like this a lot the show is called juice okay uh-huh there's a z at the end

08:23so it's pronounced jews right okay now here's the premise it's me as a manager of one of these

08:31juice places you know but i'm like an ortho an orthodox jew i like that well it's a real pleasure

08:40to meet you i uh yeah i get that a lot i've heard some stories well they're all true are they well

08:49not all of them wow well i've been there and back my friend yeah i guess you have yeah tell the tale

08:54and then i've been there again uh and hilarity ensues and it's jews so it's jews i get it

09:04orthodox specialty drinks right it's a it's a jews bar jews cut the energy we'll go on a commercial

09:12oh actually you know i want to show you a couple of pictures of my kids

09:18that's my son uh-huh good handsome young kid that is huh very handsome and there's my daughter

09:23right there oh she looks like you and then uh check this one out oh yeah oh yeah oh my yeah that

09:32picture has not yet been rated and we are back dick paula we're on our first

09:48guest is so famous that from his name a word was coined sadism some claim he is a bad man

09:55others say he is a champion of self-expression you can form your own opinion of the marquee de sod

10:02thank you welcome how about a hug okay not you dick it's great to be here love the show thank you

10:11yeah big fan we want to talk about your experiences in prison and oh right away with the prison yeah i'm

10:18why were you in uh prison uh marquee well i did some stuff you know uh here and there that uh

10:24people felt was uh not uh appropriate behavior for an aristocrat like myself so here here's the deal

10:31i consider myself a romantic to be honest with you they don't you know they don't publicize that part

10:37of me they don't publicize the soft or sweet or something i don't wake up whip you know right away i

10:42don't you know i don't have a cat o'9 by my bed table and you know where do you keep it yeah what

10:47where do you keep it under the bed

10:49now masochist that's is there a guy masaco or there is a guy named massock massock i'd love to pick that

10:58guy's brain actually what is he thinking can you come back with massock yeah that would be a very

11:03interesting note to vicki to get a hold of massock yeah well we're always referred to sort of in the

11:08same sentence now you know sadomasochism you know you go to a bar now and it's an s m bar

11:12well you got top billing though huh well yeah i am first and i'm happy about that but i you know i

11:17much prefer just being an s bar yeah okay

11:20i understand the reason you were in jail for such a long time was because your mother-in-law paid the

11:27government for you to stay there yeah it's funny you bring up my mother-in-law she's uh she actually came

11:31with me today she's out in the audience i don't know if you can get a shot really can you get a

11:37mic on camera two find the woman cut to the mother-in-law wow i love you both that's great

11:42yeah you can sit down now mom all right you know i love your dress is wonderful oh thank you mom it's

11:49my segment so let's sit down okay you know she's a little overbearing yeah you know but um let me say

11:54one thing see here she goes can i say one thing no no yeah because no he's up there saying that he's

12:01not a sadist please you know what no no you know you know you know i have a dog a boston terrier

12:08come on he plays frisbee with a dog he throws the frisbee directly at his head no i didn't know i did

12:14not do that on purpose with the dog he'll take a piece of chicken take a bite and put it back oh please

12:21i understand that you also do impressions marquee it's funny i i picked up impressions uh well let's

12:29hear a couple what do you say well i don't yeah should i pokes out there like to hear some

12:32impressions the marquee decide who do you do well uh see if you uh recognize uh this gentleman okay

12:38shh my name is bond james bond oh i know i know i know hey wait wait wait wait shake and not scared

12:47sean connery yes the sean connery the best bond out there yeah yeah the only one is the only bond

12:55oh that's great who else do you have to see if you can recognize i have to just fix my hair for a

12:59second let me turn around and then come back at you all right you're out of order i'm out of order

13:04this whole court's out of order yeah justice for all great it's all good i love that scene

13:13that's brilliant fabulous and uh and i start with pacino you're out of order and then i take it up

13:19a notch uh-huh and i don't know if you'll recognize this guy this is a very rare impression i don't

13:24think anybody does this guy okay i'm dancing tony i'm dancing here i'm dancing tony father father can i

13:33talk to you could i talk to you father remember the curly-headed guy in uh saturday night fever the

13:39guy who jumped off the bridge yeah that's a guy yeah not a lot of people that is a rare

13:45you remember that scene there's a powerful that dancing tony and he jumped and that he died

13:50unfortunately yeah do me a favor use the max factor two under the eyes highlight me under the

13:56cheeks darken around the jawline for me will you oh we've been around the block i do a lot of this

14:01kind of stuff thanks let me see what i got you said what number two the walk the rouge upstairs a

14:05little bit around that upper cheekbone marquee what what's next for you well you know um i'm trying

14:12to get into the restaurant business are you yeah that's tough that's a tough world to break into

14:16yeah you ain't kidding but um hours are long yeah looking for investors right now to start uh start a

14:21chain of restaurants i i uh the name yeah called the sads decide yeah great i go kind of a theme a lot

14:28you know it's funny a lot of uh we've approached a lot of very good it's not a bad see but this is

14:33the problem actually and paula brings up an interesting point here uh a lot of the investors

14:38that i've approached want to do a theme thing with me you know and to be honest with you uh i just

14:43wanted to just do a you know a nice good old-fashioned family style place you know emphasis on uh to be

14:50honest with you i love barbecue i found the whip in the cabana and he said blow me hey this is this

15:04is so exciting for me folks and this is the first time we're playing uh this new game called guess

15:09what i'm thinking and um oh i hope he chooses me so uh i'm thinking of an animal you have to guess

15:15one animal i'm thinking of hey and how would you like to play guess what i'm thinking i would love

15:19it okay can you stand up please i love guessing i did i guess no the lady next to you oh i'll give

15:26you a hint it's a zebra wow we ordered a lavalier mic for this that was a mistake huh that's

15:33entertainment i've never been less entertained

15:36ladies and gentlemen we are so lucky to have with us tonight a real live war hero

15:44please join me in welcoming marion butch hockstep as you were as you were should we call you uh

15:54marion or butch butch is fine a world war ii hero wow i don't like the the word hero uh butch if i

16:00could just how did you lose the arm i traded it for eight purple hearts my friend beautiful thing

16:06thank you wow thank you no no don't yeah no i'm not asking i didn't know okay you didn't have to

16:12ask for it butch it's coming your way i am just i'm dumbstruck well let's take advantage of that let

16:17me get a few questions in what uh was the particular battle where you lost uh the arm i was defending the

16:2349th parallel dick the 49th where isn't the 49th parallel in korea sure now what does it mean

16:32defending a parallel uh well let me see if i can put it kind of simply um you know you're defending

16:39the parallel it's a stretch of land very parallel to itself it's kind of a no man's land a lot of

16:45saturation fire i'll tell you what if you need to know a little bit more about the parallel you can

16:48call my agent lee cone at the william morris agency okay be warned they're three hours behind out

16:53on the coast yeah for what particular um valorous deed did you win the congressional medal of

17:00honor i won that in the battle perhaps it's a little lesser known battle it's called jim's battle

17:04i got a i got a crull in my neck really are you joking yeah a little bit give me a thing oh don't

17:13talk it out of my throat okay oh okay good oh that's it it's out the donuts across the room let

17:21we do one more we never really uh knew about you until uh your publicity people contacted us a

17:26couple weeks ago and uh what what's what's the deal i mean it's it's over 50 years now uh where

17:31have you been i've been touring this great country i've started uh i've been pretty pretty damn busy

17:36pardon my language that's all right i'm trying to put together the president's council on heroism

17:41uh-huh when you ask what have i been doing no i haven't been making the movies like audio

17:45you know i've been out there trying to rally the young people to keep them off the marijuana in

17:50their arm wow i do a lot about 110 speaking engagements a year maybe you've seen some of

17:55them i did i just came from the frito-lay industrial show oh really and what were you demonstrating

18:00there courage you've got a lot to be bitter about butch well i try not to spend too much time being

18:07bitter yeah you're trying to raise 16 million i think you said how far along are you and well we got

18:12one of those big thermometers that we're putting up there and those are great yeah so far we're

18:17almost through paying for the thermometer so we have a long long way to go you know we're early

18:23on we're early on in the process and that's why i i bless you to find people for having me on here

18:28to help we can do a little bit to help your cause we'd be you know what if i may there's a little

18:32piece that i do a little poem that i do at the end of my i do about 150 160 engagements a year

18:38kiwanis i love poetry did you write this yourself i did i did i wrote this when i was uh knee deep

18:44in my in the blood of my platoon because i i did this a couple of weeks ago for the tampax

18:49people out in wilbur ohio wow so if you all in the audience would be kind enough just to hum the

18:54battle hymn of the republic i'll try to get through this it does bring a tear to my eye uh camera one

18:59can i get a tight one in on butch i'll try to get through this without crying i am a soldier

19:05by marion butch huxton i am a soldier my name is haimi tony stymie mac if they try to take your

19:14freedom we'll take your freedom back i am a soldier some stripes upon my sleeve i don't want thanks or

19:22kudos just some broads and beer on leave you ask what is a soldier i'll give it to you true

19:29we're the guys who do the dirty work you hippie queers won't do from the beaches of corregidor to

19:36montezuma's famous hall if you don't like the way we do things and i say f you all so listen up you

19:44crouts and gooks and towel heads and french g.i joe is on his way to put you on the bench

19:49yes i am a soldier i've stood in hell's foyer and it's still better than being a lawyer

19:59marion butch thank you folks thank you so much oh wow blessed you all there you go thank you so

20:11much you've been such a wonderful guest thank you all folks thank you so god bless you all okay well

20:17ladies and gentlemen we're out of time usually uh johnny storm uh wraps it up for us with a little

20:21music uh i wonder what he's thinking he's not here we don't know what happened to johnny but

20:26that's pretty much it for us be sure to be here tomorrow we've got some great guests is that right

20:31well hey somebody somebody had asparagus last night hey are you all right i'm not i'm not complaining

20:37i actually liked it i have no idea what that is well uh melt the lab mic still on hey your segment

20:44went great thank you thank you i i thought it went well too i i mean not great but it went good

20:50well hey guess what i'm thinking it didn't go very well that's right i think you were probably

20:56having some technical difficulties the uh guess what i'm thinking segment didn't work out i guess

21:00johnny's working on something else guess what i'm thinking in the bathroom you know i wonder who

21:05invented the urinal cake next tuesday on an all-new dick and paula celebrity special it's charles darwin

21:15are you kind enough to actually get my family here can we get a camera on the darwins come on to put

21:20some fire under your ass my family there they are very funny yeah that was my idea the dick and paula

21:26celebrity special the best celebrity interviews of all time next tuesday at 10 on fx

21:31you

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