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Short filmTranscript
00:00I'll be right back.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:32Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:35I'm Martin Clunes.
00:36In the news this week, as he faces up to the fact
00:39that he can no longer rely on Mo Salah,
00:41Liverpool's manager Arne Slott finds a replacement
00:44with the necessary guts and determination.
00:49No, no, no.
00:56That's some dog.
01:00On the Filipino version of Strictly,
01:02one of the professionals struggles to hide her feelings
01:04after seeing her former partner taking another dancer
01:07up the trocadero the night before.
01:15And in Westminster,
01:16having just patched things up with the Prime Minister,
01:18Wes Streeting's dad picks a bad moment
01:20to turn up with his son's Christmas present.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:30On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
01:32and the host of the BAFTA Games Awards.
01:34So he's bringing with him a large demographic
01:36of young people who stay in their bedroom
01:37and don't watch TV shows like this.
01:39So, sob them.
01:40Please welcome Phil Wang.
01:41APPLAUSE
01:43On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:50who once appeared on Celebrity Masterchef with Greg Wallace.
01:53The loud, abrasive banter was hard to take,
01:55but somehow Greg weathered the storm.
01:58LAUGHTER
01:59Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
02:00APPLAUSE
02:02And we begin with the biggest stories of the week.
02:04Paul and Janet, here's yours.
02:05Yeah.
02:06OK.
02:07Well, that's the World Cup draw in 1966.
02:08And this is the head of FIFA with, um...
02:09It's Canada and America and Mexico.
02:10There's Donald Trump.
02:11Trump got a Peace Award from FIFA.
02:12This is the World Cup draw that happened.
02:13Trump was given a special medal and a...
02:14And a...
02:15And a...
02:16It's an inaugural Peace Prize.
02:17Yes.
02:18It's not any old prize.
02:19No.
02:20It's football's answer to the Nobel Peace Prize.
02:21That's right.
02:22Because obviously he was denied that.
02:23Yeah.
02:24So now he's got the far superior version.
02:26Yeah.
02:27Yeah.
02:28The FIFA Peace Prize.
02:29But it's a rather odd-looking sort of trophy that he's got.
02:31It's sort of like these hands coming out of the earth
02:33and grasping the planet, you know.
02:34It's like a zombie sort of effect.
02:35Yeah.
02:36Yeah.
02:37Yeah.
02:38Yeah.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Yeah.
02:41Yeah.
02:42Yeah.
02:43Yeah.
02:44Yeah.
02:45Yeah.
02:46Yeah.
02:47Yeah.
02:48Yeah.
02:49That's a bit bizarre, isn't it?
02:50That trophy's perfect for him.
02:51Like, he wishes his hands were that big.
02:52Mm.
02:53Grab the world by the pussy.
02:55Trump was so pleased with the Peace Prize, he suggested that the American should stop calling
03:06their football football.
03:07Extraordinary.
03:08It's like changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico.
03:09Yeah.
03:10He's just so needy.
03:11Yeah.
03:12That's what I couldn't believe.
03:13He needs affirmation every ten minutes.
03:14Yeah.
03:15Yeah.
03:16That's what I couldn't believe.
03:17He needs affirmation every ten minutes, doesn't he?
03:19Yeah.
03:20Yeah.
03:21Please give me a prize.
03:22Oh, and you do.
03:23And he's not faking it.
03:24He was so happy.
03:25Yeah.
03:26You can buy those trophies in B&Q.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29So, his favourite band, The Village People, performed his favourite song.
03:32Oh, yes, that's right.
03:33Let's have a look at that.
03:34Yeah, yeah.
03:35You're there.
03:36You can make real dreams, but you've got to know, there's the one thing no man does.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:46When you look at them, you wonder how they met in the first place.
03:51Is it only big macho bands?
03:54Pet shop boys?
03:55LAUGHTER
03:56You've run out of bands, haven't you?
04:00LAUGHTER
04:01That's it.
04:02Other than giving the 2034 World Cup to Saudi Arabia, what else is happening to promote gay rights through football?
04:12LAUGHTER
04:17There's an LGBT Pride match, isn't there?
04:20And had to draw the teams who were going to play that match at random, and the teams they drew to play the Pride match are Egypt and Iran.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:32It's like if you had an International Women's Day match played by Egypt and Iran, I guess.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:39I'm really looking forward to the World Cup being in America.
04:42You know, all these teams from around the world getting tear-gassed by ice, every match.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48Like, the US wins at the end because it's the only team left.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52You've got a bit of football now, so what do you reckon, Auditor?
04:55I reckon it's, er...
04:57It's a sure thing.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00Do you think Nat Lofthouse should be picked?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:05That's just a trick question.
05:06You're trying to make me look a fool by choosing a footballer from 1943.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:121953, you'd have been right.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Yeah.
05:16Not everybody enjoyed the two-hour World Cup ceremony.
05:19Here's a clip of sports commentator Jonathan Pearce.
05:22And if I can ask you to come in front here for another photo with the paper, con el papelito, por favor.
05:28Hopefully the draw will be finished in time for the first match to kick off in June.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:36The man on the right, Mark Carney, was the governor of the Bank of England.
05:41Yeah, he's done well, hasn't he?
05:43Yeah, he's really gone up the food chain, hasn't he?
05:45Yeah, absolutely.
05:46He now has to grovel to Trump.
05:47Yeah.
05:48I do love that he's called Infantino because he does have a baby's head.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Which he keeps on a draw. I wonder...
05:56LAUGHTER
06:01Football was invented in Britain. Which other sport do we have that Trump might enjoy?
06:05Cricket, not cricket. He doesn't like cricket.
06:06It's the darts, the World Championship.
06:08Oh, yes.
06:09Taking place at the Ali Pali. Let's have a look at how the BBC covered that.
06:11Yeah.
06:12The excitement of darts is more intense than a go into a game of football or anything like that.
06:17And how do the prices compare? You know, football tickets...
06:19Oh, it's a lot better here, eh?
06:20Yeah, a lot better.
06:21Darts are so much better. Entertainment is better.
06:24You can't go to football and buy these two and go with them.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:30Away from sport, what's Trump's latest tactic to get peace in Ukraine?
06:34It's...
06:35He's going to recruit the Pet Shop Boys.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38Well, I mean, basically, what Russia wants is what Trump's going for.
06:41Yeah, his latest plan is just tell Zelensky, you know, man up.
06:45Yeah, man up.
06:46He's going to stop supporting Ukraine, describing Europe as weak.
06:49Oh, yeah.
06:50Decaying, ruled by leaders who are real stupid.
06:53Yeah.
06:54All part of Trump's charm offensive.
06:55He's tried the charm, now he's just being offensive.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:59Have you got the footage of him making his speech in Pennsylvania,
07:01where he made a rather strange admission?
07:03Yes, I believe we have.
07:05Yeah.
07:06For minors.
07:07Do we love minors?
07:08I love minors.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10Also this week, Donald Trump presented medals to stars of entertainment,
07:18including Sylvester Stallone and the disco queen Gloria Gaynor.
07:22At first I was afraid.
07:23I was petrified.
07:24Said Sly about his facelift.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27He didn't look as bad as that in the Rocky films when he was beaten for 15 rounds.
07:35Dear, oh dear.
07:36Dear, oh dear.
07:37Yeah.
07:38This is the World Cup draw and the surprise awarding of the FIFA Peace Prize to Donald Trump.
07:44Meanwhile, in Oslo, the Nobel Prize for League Two Manager of the Month
07:47went to Oldham Athletic's Mickey Mellon.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50At the ceremony, FIFA President Gianni Infantino declared,
07:54football is the language of love.
07:56Clearly a man's never been to a Millwall game.
07:58LAUGHTER
08:00One of Scotland's games will kick off at 2am, leading Scotland manager Steve Clarke to say,
08:05it's maybe a little bit more difficult for the kids.
08:07Not really, they'll all have sobered up by the time school's served.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11Under a new Trump plan, tourists to the US will have to reveal their last five years
08:16of social media activity.
08:18It looks like it's Guantanamo for Gary Lineker.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22Ian and Phil, here's yours.
08:24Trying to get a signal in central London.
08:27That's me preparing for tonight.
08:29LAUGHTER
08:31My dad meeting my girlfriend's dead.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:36That's your cat.
08:37That's me.
08:38His GP's just cancelled his appointment.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:42I didn't know what that cat was doing.
08:47It was doing something rhythmical, repetitive.
08:49But what was it doing?
08:50Leave it.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53And Keir Starmer has just started a TikTok account.
09:02Yes, he has.
09:03So, TikTok's over.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:06It's official.
09:07But the weird thing is, the rest of the government aren't allowed to be on TikTok.
09:11Because it's Chinese-owned.
09:12Mm.
09:13But that doesn't occur to him.
09:15That doesn't occur to him.
09:16He's got a burner.
09:17LAUGHTER
09:18The Chinese are so good at spying.
09:21I'm not even a comedian, I'm just here to keep tabs on Ian.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:25Shall we have a look at our leader's TikTok clip?
09:28Yeah.
09:29Yes, let's.
09:30Let's.
09:31TikTok.
09:32Follow me.
09:33Now it's Christmas time!
09:35Three...
09:36Two...
09:37One!
09:38Yes, that guy!
09:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:41What a huge amount of fun.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:46Was that it?
09:48Was that it?
09:49Yeah, but he turned the lights on and nothing went wrong.
09:53That's a big government hit.
09:55Even I, pensioner, no, that wasn't doing it.
10:00Do you TikTok?
10:01No.
10:02Oh.
10:03But if I did, I'd be a bloody sight better than that.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07It's absolutely threadbare.
10:08Who else is hoping to communicate with their legions of fans
10:12without having to go through the mainstream media?
10:15Is this Nigel Farage?
10:17It's Liz Truss.
10:18Oh, Liz Truss!
10:19She's got a new channel.
10:21She's opening up new talk markets.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:28Martin, that joke is a disgrace.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:33I'll own it.
10:34Let's have a look at her on YouTube, shall we?
10:36Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the home of the Cantor revolution.
10:41Welcome to the Liz Truss Show.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:46We're two months away from Boris Johnson on OnlyFans, aren't we?
10:49LAUGHTER
10:52This is getting ridiculous.
10:55It was the pull on that shot, the pulled back.
10:58It's a cameraman realising who she is and running away.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:02At one point, she described a broken Britain where people are
11:06pulling their own teeth out.
11:08And thanks to her new show, they started tearing their ears off as well.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13She says all kinds of weird stuff in this show.
11:15She says at one point that everyone in Britain is marrying their cousin.
11:20But I think that's just because she was an MP for Norfolk.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:24Oh, boy.
11:25Oh, boy!
11:26You'd be taking that back as I live in Norfolk.
11:28Wait, her cousin hears about that.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:33The first bit of the show was her explaining how she didn't crash the economy.
11:38Yes.
11:39Yeah.
11:40And, again, she tried to take legal action against Keir Starmer,
11:43who said, you know, you crashed the economy,
11:45and she issued through her lawyers a cease and desist letter.
11:49Yeah.
11:50Which he read out and got big laughs in the comments.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53And also, on a fashion note,
11:55she's still wearing that strange necklace that's a gold circle
11:59that I think is actually like her on-off switch.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:04What's happening to Nigel Farage?
12:06He's being investigated.
12:08He's being probed.
12:09Yeah.
12:10I didn't know that bit.
12:11Yeah.
12:12Election.
12:13Spending more money than they're allowed.
12:14But he's denying it.
12:15And it's a former member of his own team.
12:18That's right.
12:19Rich as everyone.
12:20Yeah.
12:21He's claiming that the local expenses were declared as national campaign
12:23expenses, such as banners, T-shirts, a reform-themed bar
12:27in the campaign office and an armoured vehicle.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:31How do you make a bar reform-themed?
12:33There's only pale ale available.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:36Who's been interrogating Rachel Reeves about the budget this week?
12:42Bagpuss.
12:43Oh, the Parliamentary Finance Committee.
12:47Yeah, Bagpuss is on it.
12:48Yes.
12:49Being asked about the...
12:51What led up to the budget?
12:53Is she responsible?
12:54She said the budget leaks were damaging and unacceptable.
12:58What about the budget?
12:59LAUGHTER
13:01I don't know what you're all thinking.
13:02What does Tony Blackburn think about the Commons Treasury Committee leak inquiry?
13:06What does he think?
13:07What does he think?
13:08Yeah.
13:09He says, why is the government having a leak inquiry?
13:10I think they're delicious.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12There's not a single leak in that picture.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:17Who did Keir Starmer say he was missing?
13:20His mum here.
13:21Angela Rayner.
13:22It was Angela Rayner.
13:24Yeah, yeah.
13:25And then he was asked in an interview, will she be back?
13:27Absolutely.
13:28To which he replied, yes, she's hugely talented.
13:31Someone's got to be.
13:33Why was she giving him a wedgie when he said that?
13:36According to the i-newspaper, who's the most popular choice with the grannies?
13:40Oh, uh, Wes Streeting.
13:42Do we know how Angela Rayner really feels about Wes Streeting?
13:45Yes, we do, yeah.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:50They were suggesting the two of them are going to work together.
13:52Yes.
13:53Cos Wes Streeting is sort of on the right of the late party and she's on the left.
13:57So they'd be happy working together.
14:00They've got a nickname, the duo.
14:02Wang-gler.
14:03Wang-gler.
14:04Is that your drag name?
14:05LAUGHTER
14:07Ian and I could be Wang-slop.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Here we come.
14:11Here we come.
14:12It sounds like a disease that affects cattle.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15Yeah, this is the news that Keir Starmer now has a TikTok channel.
14:20There may be security concerns over Starmer's use of Chinese-owned TikTok,
14:24but his advisers insist it's vital to woo young folk,
14:28which, coincidentally, is the name of China's top spy.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:34TikTok operates on a sophisticated algorithm,
14:37so if you do follow Keir Starmer,
14:39you soon will also be sent videos of lemmings jumping off cliffs
14:42and paint drying.
14:44LAUGHTER
14:46And so...
14:47Wait for it.
14:48Yeah.
14:49We move to round two.
14:50Oh!
14:51The advent calendar of news.
14:52Look at that bad boy, eh?
14:54Beautiful.
14:55Ian, would you like to be the first to pick a number?
14:58Yes, I'd like to pick number 16.
15:01Oh, cheeky.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:04Why is that cheeky?
15:05LAUGHTER
15:06BUZZER
15:10BUZZER
15:14Oh...
15:15Oh, this is a survey about monogamy...
15:17Yeah.
15:18..in the animal kingdom.
15:19Mm.
15:20And it turns out that human beings are pretty monogamous,
15:22but we're more...
15:24more monogamous than most other species.
15:26That's right.
15:27And that's very encouraging.
15:28Yeah.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30We're like number seven or something.
15:32But...
15:33That's not bad.
15:34Yeah.
15:35If they left Boris Johnson out of the numbers,
15:36we'd be number two.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:42And meerkats...
15:43Meerkats aren't monogamous.
15:44They're always comparing things, aren't they?
15:46They're never really cool.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:48There's a better deal out there.
15:50Do you know which animal was ranked the most faithful?
15:53Beavers.
15:54Leave it.
15:55LAUGHTER
16:01No.
16:02It's the California deer mouse.
16:04Let's have a look at this fellow.
16:05Look.
16:06Aww.
16:07You wouldn't cheat on him, would you?
16:08No.
16:09He's nice.
16:10It's like one of those few animals that comes with its own
16:12carrion handle.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:16He's got big ears, hasn't he?
16:18Leave it.
16:19Number one.
16:20LAUGHTER
16:26At the other end of the scale,
16:28which animal puts it about the most?
16:30Chimpanzees.
16:31No.
16:32Dolphins, baboons, killer whales, black bears
16:34are all in the bottom ten,
16:35but in the last position is Scotland's Soae sheep.
16:39Oh, there he is.
16:40Oh, wow.
16:41Oh, my son!
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43So, where were you last night?
16:45LAUGHTER
16:51He'd literally been dragged to a hedge pack.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:55If you do it right.
16:57Um...
16:58LAUGHTER
16:59Where did...
17:00Leave it!
17:01LAUGHTER
17:02Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University explained humans'
17:05relatively low monogamy rating.
17:07He told The Guardian,
17:08Humans desire polygamy,
17:10but are constrained into a grudging form of monogamy.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15He'd probably be pleased with that, exactly.
17:17Yeah.
17:18In related news, what profession is most likely to have an affair?
17:21Plumbers.
17:22According to a website from illicitcamps.com.
17:24Milkman?
17:25Postman.
17:26Postman?
17:27Yeah, absolutely.
17:28Yeah.
17:29That's your first-class mail, love.
17:30Yeah.
17:31LAUGHTER
17:32We'll just fit in your letterbox.
17:33It's all there.
17:34I've got a package for you.
17:35Yeah, exactly.
17:36It's all there.
17:37Oh, my God!
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39Oh, damn!
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43Do you want a stamp on it?
17:44LAUGHTER
17:46It's all there.
17:47Panto was brought to you.
17:48Yes.
17:49Exactly.
17:50Although, gardeners, window cleaners, estate agents
17:53and bin men also appear in the top ten.
17:55Bin men?
17:56What's happened to Britain's acting community?
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00It used to be right up there.
18:01Leave it.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:05Paul, would you like to pick a number?
18:07Yes, I'll pick number two.
18:08Actually, no, I'll make it number 24.
18:10No, no, sorry, I'll go 15.
18:11OK.
18:12Because it'll all be the same story anyway.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:16And the door doesn't even open.
18:17It does, look, it's a drawer.
18:18Oh, it's a drawer.
18:19I see.
18:20Fantastic.
18:21And in there is your question.
18:22Yeah.
18:23What's it say?
18:24It says...
18:25LAUGHTER
18:26..empty.
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28Well, this is trains, isn't it?
18:31British Rail are painting their trains different colours, I think.
18:34This is a new, sort of, like, insignia or logo,
18:36or whatever you want to call it.
18:37Livery?
18:38Livery, yeah, livery.
18:39Haven't they painted red, white and blue on the back of them?
18:42Oh, yeah.
18:43Oh, there's the colour.
18:44That's cheery.
18:45Oh, my gosh.
18:46Good to see GB News branching out.
18:48Yeah.
18:49I can't believe they're wasting money like this.
18:51Yeah.
18:52The branding was designed in-house at the Department for Transport.
18:54How did Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander describe the project?
18:57It's nothing to do with me.
18:59LAUGHTER
19:00I'm sorry it's late.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03Here's Heidi with news of the train.
19:05There we go.
19:06She's got one with her.
19:07She's a very big woman, isn't she?
19:08Yeah.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:11Is this what HS2 is now?
19:13Heidi's just going to throw us across the...
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16Well, the livery hasn't exactly been received too well.
19:19The co-founder of the design museum, Stephen Bailey,
19:22shared his thoughts.
19:23It's atrocious.
19:24It's a mad dog's breakfast.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26He went on to describe it as a national disgrace,
19:29a visual mess, a nursery school project and an abomination.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:34Embarrassing, vulgar, feeble...
19:36LAUGHTER
19:37Careless, clumsy, unintelligent, uncoordinated
19:40and an explicit rejection of excellence.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:44That clears that up.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47In other news, what's agitating the residents of Sherringham in Norfolk?
19:51Is that near you?
19:52Have they got a station?
19:54Is it going to be closed?
19:55No, the council want to demolish a bus stop,
19:57which dates from the 1950s,
19:59and replace it with a more modern structure,
20:01but locals aren't having it.
20:02Here's a post from the local Facebook page.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:06It says...
20:07It says, does anyone know if Roger's still tied to the bus stop?
20:11I tied him up at 7.45am.
20:14After protesters had occupied the site
20:16and refused to leave for nine days,
20:19the council held an emergency vote on the demolition
20:21and the bus stop has been saved.
20:23Yay!
20:24Yes!
20:25So...
20:26Oh, wait.
20:27It was a bus stop,
20:28but why do I have a picture of a train in there?
20:30That's kind of confusing.
20:31Because of the replacement bus ratio.
20:34So, if the bus doesn't turn up, there's a replacement train?
20:36Yep.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38And if the train doesn't turn up, there's a private jet.
20:42LAUGHTER
20:43And if all those fails, you can get on the bike
20:44and go to where you want to go.
20:46Yeah.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:48Janet, would you like to pick a number?
20:50Doesn't matter what you pick.
20:52Shh!
20:53LAUGHTER
20:55It's ruining everyone's Christmas porn.
20:57All right, six.
20:58Six?
20:59Hey, six.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02LAUGHTER
21:07PHONE RINGS
21:09Ah, yes.
21:10Liverpudlians love gravy.
21:11Yeah.
21:12And there are four of the most famous Liverpudlians,
21:14and they all love the gravy, there we are.
21:16How do we know that, Paul?
21:17Well, there's a picture of them holding gravy boats, look.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20Look, the gravy boat's going the wrong way in George's hands.
21:23What way should a gravy boat go?
21:24Well, nobody ever holds a gravy boat turning outwards, do they?
21:28LAUGHTER
21:29George Harrison did.
21:30Yeah.
21:31See, John Lennon keeps filling up George Harrison's gravy boat.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:36I don't like gravy, you're getting it anyway.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39Did you ever drink the gravy straight from the gravy boat
21:42when you were little?
21:43I used to take the gravy cubes, put them in my mouth,
21:45then put some water in.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:47Oh, you're just showing off about how poor you are.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:51A gravy boat.
21:52Oh, OK, we couldn't afford water.
21:54LAUGHTER
21:55So, the Daily Express covered a survey of 2,000 roast-loving Brits,
21:59which found that in Liverpool...
22:00Yeah.
22:01..73% say that gravy's the most vital ingredient.
22:04Yeah.
22:05Not the meat.
22:06You're having Sunday lunch and you're saying the gravy's more important
22:08than the meat or anything else.
22:10Yes.
22:11If you live in Liverpool.
22:12You know what they would like?
22:13Soup.
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15APPLAUSE
22:21I think they're eating the wrong meal.
22:23Do you want to hear a joke about two Scousers in a supermarket?
22:26Hey, have you heard there's been a fire at Sayno's?
22:29Has there?
22:30No, Sayno's!
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33Back to gravy.
22:35They've developed a handy chart which you can use to decide
22:38how you like your gravy.
22:39The gravy grid.
22:40Not unlike the Bristol stool chart.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:43Oh, why did you have to say that?
22:46Paul, are you thick or very thick?
22:48Medium thick.
22:50I'd go for sort of like the 3C.
22:52I'm definitely a 4D.
22:53Most Brits voted for 5B, which is medium brown and medium thick.
22:57LAUGHTER
23:03If anybody wants to pick a joke up there, they're welcome.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06In other news, wherever large quantity of bananas turned up recently...
23:09Oh, yeah, they've been washed up.
23:11There you go.
23:12Oh.
23:13According to The Telegraph, locals treated it as a free-for-all,
23:15but one local resident, John Screech,
23:17who's usually on the beach stealing chips, said...
23:19LAUGHTER
23:21If all gone black, the beach looks like it covered in dog poo.
23:25Which, of course, it actually is.
23:27LAUGHTER
23:29This is the news that Liverpool is the gravy capital of the UK.
23:32One newspaper printed Asda's handy gravy grid.
23:35That's the same grid they use on Strictly for the shade of fake tan.
23:38Goes from A1, the palest, all the way down to D6,
23:41or Claudia Winkleman.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43Time now for the odd one-out round.
23:45Just one between you this week.
23:47Yeah.
23:48Your four are a man at a steakhouse in Devon,
23:51an arrested shopper in Auckland,
23:53protesters at the Tower of London,
23:54and the old lady who swallowed a fly.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:57I think this is about people eating things,
24:00and the odd one-out is the protester,
24:02because she threw apple crumble at the Crown Jewels
24:05as a protest against the establishment and the state.
24:08Do you know anything about the man who's arrested?
24:10I guess he ate something he wasn't meant to eat?
24:12Yeah.
24:13Maybe?
24:14He stole something and ate it?
24:15So, she's the odd one-out.
24:16Yeah, they've all eaten something they shouldn't,
24:18except for the protesters at the Tower of London,
24:20who threw something meant for eating.
24:22Wasn't there a man who swallowed a leaf...
24:25..and then he got arrested when he coughed it out for littering?
24:28This week.
24:29Oh, did that happen this...
24:31Oh, yes, I did hear that.
24:32Yeah, it was in the news.
24:33Yeah.
24:34It's not important.
24:35A man...
24:36LAUGHTER
24:38..was accused of littering...
24:40Yeah.
24:41..as the leaf fell on the ground.
24:43Yeah.
24:44Yeah.
24:45Leaf it.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47Can you find the headline?
24:51Just to make it clear I'm not making this up,
24:54I'm just asking the producers.
24:55Of the Leaf Man?
24:56Of the Leaf Man,
24:57because otherwise it looks as though I'm completely mad.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00In the meantime, I'm going to plough on.
25:02Yeah, go on.
25:03You're right, the group called Take Back Power,
25:05they threw crumble and custard at the crown jewels.
25:08According to the Telegraph, one guard approached the protesters saying,
25:11Excuse me.
25:12Excuse me.
25:13He's now been made head of security for the loop.
25:16LAUGHTER
25:18And they did it to force the ultra-rich to pay more tax.
25:23We're not sure if it worked, so more on that story later.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:27The group, they do have a bit of previous.
25:30What other stunts have some of its supporters pulled?
25:32Pavlova at Big Ben.
25:34LAUGHTER
25:36According to the Telegraph, they're protesting at a Quaker meeting house,
25:39so they presumably threw oats.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:44Silent protest.
25:46LAUGHTER
25:48The man in Cattlemen's Steakhouse in...
25:50Yeah.
25:51What did he do that he shouldn't have done?
25:52He ordered too much.
25:53I mean, that's a huge bit of steak.
25:55Was there, like, a challenge for you?
25:57Yeah, a steak challenge.
25:58Yeah, yeah, he ate too much steak.
25:59Rhys Chadfield took on their eating challenge involving two kilograms of steak.
26:03Oh.
26:04Two days later, Rhys had to be taken to hospital,
26:06where they said he'd eaten so much that his stomach had stopped digesting food.
26:10When asked how common an injury this was, doctors replied,
26:13Medium rare.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:16APPLAUSE
26:18The Cattlemen's Steakhouse would like us to point out
26:21that their food wasn't responsible for the mistake,
26:24although next time Rhys goes there,
26:26Miss Steak would be good advice to follow.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30The other fella...
26:31Yeah.
26:32What did he eat, do you think, at a jewellery shop in Auckland?
26:35It shocked everyone.
26:36Diamond ring.
26:38Engraved cufflinks.
26:39Hiya.
26:40Engraved cufflinks!
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42It was a Fabergé egg worth £14,250.
26:43Oh, yeah.
26:44And they are waiting for it to pass through.
26:45Yeah.
26:46A policeman said an officer was assigned to spend six days monitoring every bowel movement
26:59until finally the egg was laid.
27:01If that didn't work, they were going to rely on the long arm of the law.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:08Here is the Fabergé egg after it was passed through the thief's anus.
27:11Oh!
27:12With the price tag still on it, which that cleaned up nicely, didn't it?
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18How are they getting on with the story about the man that swallowed a leaf?
27:22Have we heard?
27:23Have we heard?
27:24No.
27:25They've all eaten something that they shouldn't have except the protesters at
27:28the Tower of London who threw something meant for eating.
27:31According to one newspaper, activists were seen smearing custard over the crown jewels.
27:36Coincidentally, one of the accusations levelled at Greg Wallace.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:42Reece Chadfield was hospitalised after competing in back-to-back eating challenges,
27:46including a two-kilogram steak.
27:48Doctors revealed Reece had a temperature of 39 degrees
27:51and his blood group was peppercorn sauce.
27:54LAUGHTER
27:55And it's time now for the Missing Words round,
27:58which this week features, as its guest publication,
28:00the newsletter of the British Leafy Salads Association.
28:04This month's guest editor yet again, Liz Truss.
28:07Yeah.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:09We start with...
28:14Oh, this is Michael Gove.
28:17Bar the Christmas.
28:18Oh, I know this one.
28:19Go on then.
28:20Baby Seal.
28:21Oh!
28:22There we are.
28:25Satan.
28:27Well...
28:28The devil incarnate.
28:29Beelzebub.
28:30No, stop, stop.
28:31Giles Brandreth.
28:32Just stop.
28:35It's the Pope.
28:37Hey!
28:38I know what I was thinking, right?
28:40Here is the Pope's appearance at the rave in Slovakia.
28:43And may the blessing of almighty God, the Father and the Son
28:46and the Holy Spirit come upon you and remain with you always.
28:51Amen.
28:52Amen.
28:53Amen.
28:54Amen.
28:55Amen.
28:56Amen.
28:57Amen.
28:58Amen.
28:59Amen.
29:00Amen.
29:01Amen.
29:02Amen.
29:03Amen.
29:04According to Classic FM, the rave was part of an attempt to bridge the gap
29:07between the Catholic Church and young people.
29:10Most of the previous efforts were just plain illegal.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:19Next, what found hiding in nativity scene?
29:22This is...
29:23Geoffrey Epstein.
29:24An elite...
29:26I know.
29:27No.
29:28An asylum seeker.
29:29He was part of a nativity tableau.
29:31Man on the run found hiding in a nativity scene.
29:34A Ghanaian migrant on the run from police attempted to evade capture
29:37by hiding in a nativity scene in Italy.
29:40See if you can spot him.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42I would like to thank the director for zooming in,
29:44because I couldn't make it out.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:46Next, what is one of the most eagerly anticipated events
29:48in the British Leafy Salads Association calendar?
29:51Meat day.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:53Is it cosplay?
29:54Oh!
29:55That's it.
29:56Nice.
29:57It's the British Salad.
29:58The British Salad.
29:59The British Salad.
30:00The British Salad.
30:01The British Salad.
30:02The British Salad.
30:03The British Salad.
30:04The British Salad.
30:05The British Salad.
30:06The British Salad.
30:07The British Salad.
30:08The British Salad.
30:09The British Salad.
30:10It's the Brassica and Leafy Salad conference.
30:12Oh, God.
30:13Oh, God.
30:14Yeah.
30:15Finally.
30:16Man teaches octopus what in just six months?
30:20French.
30:21The true meaning of Christmas.
30:23The offside rule.
30:24It's to play the piano.
30:27Oh, no.
30:28Let's have a look.
30:29You have a big range, Tagu.
30:38He's like Rashmani now.
30:41The British Salad.
30:42I believe the story more of you were telling me the octopus was teaching him to play the guitar.
30:58LAUGHTER
31:00Well, I completely disagree. I thought that was beautiful.
31:03Lovely. Yeah.
31:05This was a Swedish musician who rescued the live octopus
31:08from a fish market where it was set to be killed
31:11and taught it how to play jazz piano.
31:13No, he didn't!
31:14The RSPCA stepped in, arguing it was more humane to let it die.
31:20So, the final scores are... This is interesting.
31:23Janet and Paul have leapt ahead with six points,
31:26leaving Ian and Phil languishing with five.
31:29LAUGHTER
31:31Well done. Well done.
31:33But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
31:37Don't look now, but it's an octopus playing jazz piano.
31:40LAUGHTER
31:42On which note? Yeah.
31:44LAUGHTER
31:45Hang on, we can't go yet, we want about the leaf man.
31:48Yeah, come on, leaf man. We want leaf man. Yeah.
31:51Here you are.
31:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:56It says on the corner crated by AI.
31:59Mm.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:01Artificial Ian.
32:02LAUGHTER
32:03On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
32:06Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street Porter.
32:09And I leave you with news that in California,
32:12Elon Musk's plan to live forever as an AI-driven humanoid
32:15needs a little bit more work.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:20At a party in Chelsea, two people powerfully attracted to each other
32:23agree to ditch the gooseberry and find somewhere more intimate.
32:26LAUGHTER
32:28LAUGHTER
32:31The divisions continue in Your Party
32:33as Jeremy Corbyn unveils his new nickname for Zara Sultana.
32:37LAUGHTER
32:40In Glasgow, one nana in the crowd at the football
32:43realises too late that she's left her special cushion at home.
32:47LAUGHTER
32:49LAUGHTER
32:51And in London, there are awkward scenes at an office Christmas party
32:54where demoralised staff are forced to join their boss
32:57in doing the conga.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:04Good night.
33:05APPLAUSE
33:17Looking for something to believe in?
33:19Try a new drama, The War Between the Land and the Sea.
33:21It's on BBC iPlayer.
33:23And less plausible but equally as enjoyable,
33:26Mammoth is back with a new series,
33:28and that's also on BBC iPlayer.
33:30APPLAUSE
33:32APPLAUSE
33:34APPLAUSE
33:36APPLAUSE
33:38APPLAUSE
33:40APPLAUSE
33:42APPLAUSE
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