- 2 months ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Hi, diddle-dee-dee, an actor's life for me Oh, but this too, too solid flex
00:11Next, an icicle, a silver cane Next, a watch of gold, a diamond chain
00:18Before your honest sunset face spread Next, hi, diddle-dee-doo, you sleep till after two
00:25When the ballman bears his deal to rot Next, you ballman, a big cigar, you turdough
00:31You great big car, you dine on chicken and caviar
00:34You clothed my naked villainy and she must say, yeah, yeah, I know
00:38Next, an actor's life for me, an actor's life for me
00:48Well, I don't see why you're so fed up, oh boy
00:51It's a leading part in a popular play and you're doing very well in it
00:56So what's your problem?
01:01Well, I grant you there are better plays than strap up your jocks
01:07And better parts than a transvestite rugby player, but it's all good experience
01:13And it's getting you noticed
01:17You can say that again
01:20Mark my words, Robert, when the message gets round about this performance
01:23You'll have people knocking at your door
01:25Yeah, the vice squad
01:28It's sexist soft porn crap, Desmond, it's embarrassing
01:32Nonsense, old boy
01:34There's nothing wrong with a bit of smut
01:36It's not my cup of tea, obviously
01:38I'm not interested in nudie girls
01:44I'm only here because I'm your agent
01:46This is the sixth time, isn't it?
01:48I'd like to see your performance grow, old boy
01:50Do us a favour, Robert, can I nick one of your eyeliners?
01:54I don't know where mine's got to
01:55Yeah, of course you can
01:56Thanks
01:57Oh, we've got a right old crowd in tonight
02:00The local rugby club's in
02:02Oh, God
02:04Yeah, morons incorporated
02:07Oh, and that weirdo's back again too
02:10You know the one in the mat with the buttonhole?
02:13Comes every week
02:14Er, yeah, actually, Carol
02:16He always sits near the front and ogles me
02:19It's really creepy, isn't it?
02:21Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't seem to
02:23Anyway, better be going, we're on in two minutes
02:26She wasn't talking about you, Desmond
02:31She was talking about another weirdo
02:34Well, I mean another person with a buttonhole
02:36In fact, I know who she means
02:37He's really weird
02:38Well, I didn't think she meant me
02:40I mean, creepy indeed
02:42Imagine anyone calling me creepy
02:45Anyway, hope you don't have any trouble with those rugby types
02:48They seem pretty rowdy to me
02:51You ready, Bobby boy?
02:52Yeah, nearly, Jimmy
02:53Uh, Jimmy, this is Desmond
02:55Desmond, Jimmy Lang
02:56He's the director of the show
02:57Oh
02:58Pleased to meet you
02:59You're one of our regulars, aren't you?
03:00I recognise the Mac
03:03Well, I should say, because I only come to see it because of my special interest in young Robert
03:08I think I am
03:09Oh?
03:10Well, that takes all sorts really, doesn't it?
03:13Desmond is my agent, Jimmy
03:15Oh, I see
03:16Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise
03:19Good playing it, Des, eh?
03:20Yeah
03:21And that scene with the mechanical donkey is just magic
03:26Talking about the donkey, Bobby boy
03:28The old one's getting a bit battered
03:29So I'm having a new one made
03:31Put a bit of extra business into it
03:32Yeah
03:33Good, it drenched me last night
03:34Yeah
03:35Look, I tell you what
03:36I'll bring it round to your flat on Friday so you can try it out, okay?
03:39Oh, well
03:40Well, good, that's fixed now
03:41Come on
03:42Let's be having you
03:43It's time you were going on
03:4611 o'clock news
03:50Peeping Tom, known locally as the Hounslow Hoverer, has struck again
03:55The incidents were reported in the Reislip Road area in the last two hours alone
03:59Police are anxious to hear from anyone who might have information leading to his capture
04:05He is described as being in his late fifties, well-dressed, graying hair and about six feet in height
04:12PHONE RINGS
04:17Hello
04:18Oh, hello, Mum
04:20Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm feeling great, we've just broken up
04:24No, not me and Robert, the school
04:32Oh
04:33We'd love to see you both
04:38What?
04:39Oh, well, look, come for the afternoon because Robert's got to go out later
04:42He's in a play in Hounslow, he's playing the lead part, so
04:46No
04:47You don't want to see it, ma'am
04:53No, it's a good part
04:55You see a lot of him
04:59What?
05:00Well, listen
05:02Ma'am
05:03Yeah, alright, I'll get the tickets, yeah
05:10Look, I'd better be going, ma'am, yeah?
05:12I'll tell him the good news
05:15Okay, bye
05:17Hi, Robbie
05:19How did it go?
05:20Awful
05:21The audience was terrible
05:23Oh
05:24Hey, and what about Desmond? Was Dirty Des there again, eh?
05:26He's there again, eh?
05:34Well, thanks for the lift home, Des
05:37Would you like a drink?
05:39No, thank you
05:40I'd better be off, I think
05:43Good night
05:45I shall be in touch
05:48Desmond
05:49That was my agent you insulted
06:00Dirty Des
06:06I didn't know he was there
06:08Oh, God
06:09Did you see the look on his face?
06:11I'll be in touch
06:14Does he really like strap up your jocks?
06:16He fancies one of the women in it, that's all
06:19He's pathetic
06:21So what went wrong tonight?
06:23The rugby club
06:25You had rugby players in the audience?
06:28Well, no, the ones in the audience were fine
06:29It was the ones that joined us on stage that were the problem
06:32Chasing us round, molesting the donkey
06:36Writing graffiti everywhere
06:39Do we're writing on the scenery?
06:41Well...
06:42I tell you so, this has to be the most embarrassing night of my life
06:54Oh, I dunno
06:56My parents are coming to see it on Friday
06:59I'm sorry, you know what she's like, she was insistent
07:03I'm sure it'll be fine
07:04I'm sure it'll be fine
07:11Robert, calm down
07:13Stop it!
07:16Not your parents!
07:18You've tried to numb my brain
07:20If your parents see me and strap up your jocks
07:25Your dad already thinks I'm useless
07:29If he sees me prancing around in a latex jock strap with a donkey clamped to my thigh
07:34We'll just have to tell them all the tickets have gone
07:38They'll expect complimentaries
07:40Well, tell them the production's been cancelled
07:43Then they'll expect you to be here on Friday evening
07:45Well, that's a good idea
07:47I'll tell Jimmy I can't do it
07:48I'm ill, I'm seriously ill
07:50I've got brain damage
07:52You're stupid
07:53I think I have, actually
07:55Robbie, why don't you just tell them the truth?
08:00Go on, tell them that you're in a crummy sex farce and you don't think they'd enjoy it
08:04Sue, your dad thinks cum dancing is sick because they wear split skirts
08:08Well, I dunno, I just think it's for the best, that's all
08:11I think we ought to go to the police
08:15Yeah, let's tell everyone a minute
08:17About the hoverer
08:19They were asking for information again on the radio and I'm sure it was him at the window last week
08:24Oh, come on, we don't know that for sure
08:26Who else could it be? I mean, you saw one glimpse of bra and pants and came down for a better look, it's obvious
08:32Yeah, that'll teach me to try on my costume at home
08:36Sue, there is no way your parents are coming to see me and strap up your jocks
08:41They've got to see you in something, I went and told her you're playing the lead now
08:47That's it, that's it, God I'm brilliant, I'm a genius, I'm just so sexy
08:54They've got to see me in something, but I needn't be in it
08:58Eh?
09:00They've just got to think I'm in it, sit them in the back row, tell them I'm in it, they'll never know the difference
09:05Of course they will, I mean, what if he doesn't look like you or sound like you?
09:09That's my amazing abilities with voices and make-up
09:13We've just got to find something suitable for your parents
09:16A nice decent play
09:19Yeah, this is the one
09:20The Hounslow Civic Centre, a theatre group putting on the importance of being earnest
09:27That's the one
09:29Robert, no
09:31Look, your parents will love it
09:33And I know that you will be brilliant
09:37Me?
09:39Yep, it's all down to you, Susie Woozie
09:40All you have to do is sit them in the back row, convince them I'm either earnest or algae, and that's it, easy
09:53Oh yes please, thank you dear
09:55Dad?
09:56No thanks, not when I'm driving
10:00It's a narcotic, tannin, you can't be too careful
10:04Right
10:06I read recently about these tests they conducted
10:09They got people to drink 20 cups of tea
10:12And they found it seriously impaired their ability to drive
10:17Yeah, well it would, I mean you'd have to stop every five minutes
10:25I'll have a glass of water, pet
10:27Right, won't be a minute
10:29Tell us about the play, Robert
10:31We're looking forward to seeing it, aren't we Frank?
10:33Yeah
10:35What is it dear?
10:37The importance of being earnest
10:40Written by Oscar Wilde, isn't it?
10:43Yeah, that's right
10:45Homosexual, wasn't he?
10:48I've seen it, I went with the women's circle
10:51It's fine, it's got that famous handbag, seen in it
10:57Handbags, eh?
10:59He's found with a handbag in the gents at Victoria's Station
11:04Isn't he, Robert? It's very funny
11:06I don't like the sound of this
11:08Yeah, well that's not quite the story
11:10It's very good, you'll enjoy it, I'm sure you will
11:13I don't know why they don't revive some of those old Doris Deer musicals
11:18Much more entertaining
11:20Yeah, right
11:22Tell us about the production, Robert
11:24Anyone famous in it?
11:25Well, there'll hardly be any stars, Joyce
11:28Not if Robert's playing the lead
11:30What sort of production is it?
11:31Is it one of these modern things?
11:34Or on a proper stage, with a curtain?
11:37Well, it's got a bit of everything, really
11:40Hope it's not too modern
11:42I cannot be doing with all this avant-garde rubbish
11:46Half the time the actors sound as if they're making a dope as they go along
11:49That's improvisation, Frank
11:52Do you do much improvising, Robert?
11:55I'm doing quite a lot at the moment, yes
11:56Most of the modern stuff's disgusting
12:02No, not at all nice
12:04What was that one we saw recently?
12:07Pajama tops
12:08That's it, that's the one
12:10You went to see pajama tops?
12:11Yes
12:12Well, not deliberately, obviously
12:14Your mother got it mixed up with the pajama game
12:19I thought it was a bit odd as soon as it started
12:22There was this tank of water on the stage
12:24And these nude girls kept diving into it
12:28Showing all their...
12:30Bits and bobs
12:33Well, I turned to Frank and I said I don't remember this in the Doris Day version
12:38Mm-hmm
12:40Abby, could you hand these round, please?
12:42I've just got to nip into the kitchen, get some knives
12:45Yeah, of course
12:47Thanks
12:49Cake, Frank?
12:50Thanks
12:51Don't mind if I do
12:52Who?
12:53It's tannin-free
12:56Could I have a cake, please, dear?
12:59Well, yeah, of course
13:08Of course, it's the actors I feel sorry for in these dreadful sex, please
13:12I suppose it's the only work they can get because they're not very good
13:17Yes, I suppose you've been tempted to do it, Robert
13:20Me?
13:23Must be joking
13:26Do you want some more tea, Mum?
13:27Look, there's one on in Hounslow at the moment
13:30We're past the theatre
13:32Strip off your jerks or something
13:36It's shocking, this pornography
13:38Yeah, it's responsible for all these perverts around
13:41I'm sure of it
13:42Oh, yes it is
13:44You've got one round here, haven't you?
13:46We saw it on the newspaper placards
13:48The Hounslow Hoverer
13:49Yeah, there's a bit about him in the paper
13:52What?
13:55You're standing on it
13:57Can I read it?
13:59Yeah, of course
14:07There you go
14:09Thank you
14:10Get it
14:18Hi there, bubbly boy
14:20I said I'd be around
14:22Remember?
14:24Fun time with Dobby
14:26Yeah, yeah, Jimmy
14:28Hi, Robert
14:30You've brought an audience
14:32Oh, great
14:34Hi there, I'm very pleased to meet you
14:36I'm Jimmy Lang, I'm Robert's director
14:37Yeah, Jimmy's the director of the importance of being earnest
14:41Isn't that right, Jimmy?
14:43What?
14:44And, uh, Carol
14:46Hi!
14:47Is Lady Bracknell
14:49Oh, nice to meet you
14:52Yeah, I'd forgotten that we were going to rehearse the famous
14:55Handbag and donkey scene from the movie
14:58I don't remember any donkey in it
15:01Well, no, this is the complete version we're doing
15:03You know, Wilde added it when he revised the play
15:05Of course, we won't be showing this bit tonight in the show
15:09This is for next week
15:10Oh, what a pity
15:12So, uh, we'll just, uh, mosey on into the bedroom and leave you to it
15:15Ah, Jimmy, Carol
15:17I'm sure that girl was in pyjama tops
15:20Excuse me
15:22Your face seems very familiar
15:25My face?
15:27Yes, I'm trying to think where I've seen it
15:29Playboy
15:31Playboy?
15:32In the western world
15:34Terrific play, wasn't it, Jimmy?
15:36Right?
15:37Yeah, well, thanks
15:38See ya, bye
15:40See ya, he's on
15:42Now, come on, Bobby Boy
15:44Isn't this fun?
15:46I don't know what you're saying that, lad
15:48Really, I don't
15:49I mean, did you see the way he was carrying on with the paper?
15:50I need to go to the bathroom and freshen up, I feel a little bit queasy
15:54Oh, you poor dear
15:56It's all right, Mum, I won't be a moment
16:00This is so exciting, Frank
16:03That donkey was wearing perfume
16:07Oh, uh, hello
16:09The front door was open, uh, Desmond Shaw
16:13Robert's agent
16:15Oh, afternoon, Sue's parents, Frank and Joyce
16:18Oh, pleasure
16:20Is Robert in?
16:22I just popped round to clear up a little misunderstanding, that's all
16:25He's in the bedroom, rehearsing
16:27Rehearsing for this player we've got to see tonight
16:30Oh, you know about that, then?
16:34Written by that wild fella, isn't it?
16:37Yes, pretty wild, yes
16:38Pretty wild, yes
16:42Pretty wild, eh?
16:44I suppose that was his nickname in prison
16:47Pretty wild, yeah
16:50I'm not surprised
16:52Well, I think it's a super play
16:54I loved it the last time I saw it
16:59Have you seen it before?
17:01Oh, yes, I went with the women's circle
17:04We thought it was lovely, in fact, we thought of putting it on ourselves
17:11But we couldn't get hold of the men
17:16Good God
17:18Well, I'll go and get him for you
17:20Besides, I want to see what's going on
17:22So
17:25Do you eat?
17:27In a handbag, Lady Bracknell
17:30A handbag?
17:32Yes
17:34Where's my bride, Auburn?
17:35Well, it's not how I remember the place, certainly
17:45This production looks very... different
17:49Different?
17:51That donkey winked at me
17:53No, they really worry me, those two
17:55She's got no security with him, none at all
17:58And he earns next to nothing
18:01And they're not even married
18:05You could up and leave her at any moment
18:08Get her pregnant
18:10And then just leave
18:12Oh, he wouldn't do that
18:14People don't get married these days
18:16Well, they ought to
18:18All this living together nonsense
18:20Seeing if they're compatible
18:22I had none of that before we got married
18:25And look at us
18:26I hate lying to my parents
18:32Oh, come on Sue, baby, relax
18:34It's working, isn't it?
18:36Nobody's giving the game away
18:39I couldn't believe it
18:41When Jimmy turns up with that donkey
18:43And then Desmond
18:46Why do you think I said come out for a walk?
18:48Get lower
18:50So that no one else can call on us
18:52Super brain strikes again
18:53Oi! Tossa!
18:55I think they're talking to you, dear
18:57How you doing?
18:59Hey, lads, it's Tossa!
19:01Who's a pretty propped forward then, eh?
19:04Do we as men know you, Robert?
19:06I have never seen them before in my life
19:08Come on, show us your tackle
19:11Yeah, like you did the other night
19:13They're obviously confusing me with someone else
19:15We've just got to keep very calm, ignore them
19:17And walk on, or leave us alone
19:19Come on, get him off!
19:20Run for it
19:21Whoa!
19:29Oh, brilliant, Robert
19:31Everything's fine, is it?
19:33Super brain
19:35You know, my parents probably think half the rugby club fancy you now
19:38I'm sorry
19:41Did they catch you?
19:43Are you kidding?
19:44I don't know how to outrun those fat gits any day
19:50So, you got away from those louts?
19:52Yeah
19:54Never seen them before in my life
19:56Don't know who they thought I was
19:58Yeah, where are they?
20:00Ah, yeah, well, anyway, I'm about to get going
20:03Got to get to the face or, you know
20:05Are you getting there?
20:06Er, well, I'll just take the bus, you know, it's quite easy
20:09You can't do that, Frank'll take you
20:12What?
20:14Good idea, Joyce
20:16It's all right, Dad, cos I can take him
20:18No, I'll take you to the Civic Centre now
20:20And Sue can run her mother down in half an hour
20:22BEEP
20:24BEEP
20:38So, you come here every night, do you, Robert?
20:40Yes
20:42Well, every night this week, we're on tour
20:46Just wondered why you needed an A to Z
20:49Oh, well, Sue usually drives, you know, she knows the way
20:54Does everything for you, doesn't she?
21:03There we are, where shall I drop you?
21:05The bus stop
21:07What?
21:09Er, just stop, anywhere
21:11We're at the car park, they'll be fine, thanks, it's great
21:18Great, thank you
21:26Well, I'll be fine now
21:30I'll wait for the others
21:32Right
21:37Great
21:48We'll see you next time
21:52Pitcher
21:57Pitcher
21:59Pitcher
22:01Pitcher
22:03Pitcher
22:06Pitcher
22:08Pitcher
22:10And
22:12Most people
22:14That's Tuesday
22:16Detective Nielsen, undercover for the S.A.S.
22:42The horror!
22:44No, I'm not!
22:45Get out of here, you...
22:47Please, quick, quick!
22:59You don't understand. Talk to Robert Nielsen. He's in the cast.
23:03Yeah, thank you.
23:05Sure, did you talk to Robert Nielsen? He's in the cast.
23:14They've never heard of him, sir.
23:16Oh, that's a terrible noise.
23:17Somebody's far at that.
23:19I'm really looking forward to this.
23:22Yeah, thank you.
23:24I'm really looking forward to this.
23:25Yeah, thank you.
23:26I'm really looking forward to this.
23:27Yeah, thank you.
23:28Yeah, thank you.
23:29I'm really looking forward to this.
23:30Yeah, thank you.
23:31You know, I can't see Dad anywhere. His car's here, but...
23:33I can't see him at all.
23:34He's probably in the gym.
23:35I can't see him at all.
23:36He's probably in the gym.
23:37Oh, that water he drank at two times.
23:40It's probably in the gym.
23:41It's all that water he drank at two times.
23:44Look, I don't understand.
23:49Hey, I'm really looking forward to this.
23:50Yeah, thank you.
23:52I Guilty.
23:53You know what, I can't see Dad anywhere.
23:58His car's here, but...
23:59I can't see him at all.
24:01He's probably in the gym, sir.
24:04It's all that water he drank at two times.
24:08I've left his ticket on the door.
24:10Good.
24:13I didn't realise we'd be in the back row.
24:18No.
24:19I'm sorry about that, Mum.
24:20They were the best seats I could get.
24:22Oh.
24:26Very popular.
24:28Yes.
24:34Very special, Cucumbers Avenue.
24:41Yes, sir.
24:42Where are they?
24:44Here, sir.
24:46Oh, by the way, Lane, I see in your book that last Thursday evening,
24:51when Lord Shoreham and Mr. Worthy were dining with me,
24:53eight bottles of champagne have been entered as having been consumed.
24:58Yes, sir.
24:59Eight bottles and one pint.
25:01Why is it that they don't have...
25:02When one is in town, one amuses oneself.
25:11When one is in the country, one amuses other people.
25:13Which one's Robert?
25:19And it's Gwendolyn Fairfax.
25:24Sue, I'm back.
25:26God.
25:28I got to the theatre with ten minutes to spare, but I made it.
25:31Brilliant.
25:31So, er, how did it go with your parents?
25:36Enjoy the show?
25:39Only my mother saw the play, Robert.
25:40Who?
25:41My father was arrested before it began.
25:44Was he?
25:46Yes.
25:46He was, um...
25:48They thought he was the Hounslow Hoverer wandering around the Civic Centre.
25:51Of course, he said he knew someone in the play, but that someone wasn't in the play, were you, Robert?
25:57No.
26:00He was held for two hours, interrogated, stripped-searched and examined by a psychiatrist who said he was seriously unstable.
26:07Didn't need a psychiatrist to tell us that.
26:12It was the most humiliating experience of his life.
26:15And he just looked awful when we got there.
26:17Oh, sorry.
26:19But your mum saw the play.
26:20How was her?
26:20Was her brilliant?
26:21You managed to convince her I was playing the lead okay?
26:24Robert, I can convince my mother of a lot of things, but I can't convince her you've suddenly developed a soprano voice and breasts.
26:31It was an all-women cast.
26:34Oh, God!
26:36I've told him everything.
26:37Strop up your jokes a lot.
26:39I mean, I had to.
26:41And, um...
26:41They never want to see you again.
26:44What?
26:45And frankly, neither do I.
26:47You've just gone too far this time, Robert.
26:53I've packed a suitcase.
26:57Where will you go?
27:00It's not my suitcase, Robert.
27:02It's yours.
27:03I want you to leave.
27:06Well, maybe I could write to your parents and explain.
27:09The only letter my parents want to see from you is a suicide note.
27:13Well, I only did it for us, so, you know, I didn't want them to think badly of me
27:17There's nothing come between us.
27:18Robert, you're a pig.
27:20You're a selfish and thoughtless and stupid pig, and I've just had enough.
27:24So...
27:25No, just go.
27:28Please.
27:33Right.
27:38Bye.
27:47Just get to the door now.
27:55Opening the door.
27:58Almost through the door.
28:02Then I'll be away.
28:02Bye.
28:02Bye.
28:03Bye.
28:03Bye.
28:04Bye.
28:05Bye.
28:05Bye.
28:06Bye.
28:07Bye.
28:08Bye.
28:09Bye.
28:10Bye.
28:11Bye.
28:12Bye.
28:13Bye.
28:14Bye.
28:15Bye.
28:16Bye.
28:17Bye.
28:18Bye.
28:19Hi, little More Noise.
28:19Hi, little, diddy-dee.
28:19Hi.
28:20Liddy-dee-dee.
28:21An actor's life for me A high-silk hat and a silver cape
28:23A watch of gold with a diamond chain
28:25Hi, little, diddy-do You sleep till I'm deste
28:29You promenade with a big cigar You talk a word with a great big crowd
28:34Ifs I'm a cheer in the ad
28:35An actor's life for me
28:37If we could pick and choose
28:39And nature wasn't a factor
28:41There's a bit of news
28:43I'd make the life of an actor for me
28:46Hi, little-dee-doo
28:48You sleep till after two
28:50You promenade with a big cigar
28:52You tour the world with a great big car who died
28:55You are an actor's life for me
29:05You are an actor's life for me
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