Skip to playerSkip to main content
  • 13 hours ago
Former AFL player Mitch Brown spoke at the Men Leading Change leadership forum in Ballarat on December 5.
Transcript
00:00What was the impact of going along with those stereotypes when underneath it all was this beautiful, sensitive boy that was, I guess, questioning who he was?
00:09What was the impact of that experience?
00:13So again, like I spoke, I kept, you know, I've spoken about doubling down on your straightness because you want to fit in and you want to not have these questions and make yourself believe that they're not real.
00:25But as we know, when we finish our school or we have this sense of milestone or this next chapter or separation, there is an ability to be able to go, hey, maybe there's a fresh start here.
00:42So I did go over there with that sense of, hey, I can, you know, I can leave that time of St. Pat's, which mind you, like I loved my time at school, but maybe I can leave that time ago and in the past.
00:55And this new environment, this chapter, that I can sort of start to maybe be more confident, be myself.
01:03And I was confronted with all these things, but there was a moment that I did confide in a friend, a teammate, and shared one of my questions for the first time in my life.
01:16One of my teammates who grew up here in country Victoria, I said to him at the dinner table one time, I was like, hey, I've got a question.
01:27How do you know if you're gay?
01:29How do you know if you like men?
01:30How do you know if you're gay?
01:31And I've spoken to him ever since.
01:38And he just straight away, I saw his reaction, his face, his hands before he even spoke.
01:48But he immediately turned it into a joke.
01:51and it was just like he laughed
01:55and I got close
02:00of finally having enough confidence
02:05to ask this question
02:06and the way he reacted
02:08I threw that out the window
02:10I buried it and that was it
02:12that was no more
02:13and that didn't make me feel nice
02:16it didn't make me feel good
02:17and that didn't make you feel
02:21it made me feel like that was the end
02:29like I could never reveal this about myself
02:31it made me feel that
02:33I was
02:34not a great person
02:37for feeling that way
02:38and
02:41it was the first time in my life
02:44that I started to feel
02:45something in my chest
02:47and this pain inside my chest
02:54didn't go away
02:56from my whole entire football career
02:59and I didn't know
03:01what that was
03:03because remember
03:06one of the other gendered stereotypes
03:08for being a man
03:08is not talking about your feelings
03:10especially about your mental health
03:12and that
03:12we've come a long way in that
03:13but I battled with anxiety
03:17like
03:17a lot of anxiety
03:19throughout my football career
03:20and I didn't know what that was
03:22and I thought that was just me being weak
03:24so I would never tell anyone
03:27because
03:27remember
03:28I'm trying to belong
03:29I'm trying to play this
03:30high performance game
03:32that
03:33you know
03:35can set you up for the rest of your life
03:38so you can do anything
03:39and I
03:41you know
03:42I was so afraid
03:44to share
03:45these feelings
03:46about
03:47this
03:48weakness
03:48that I
03:49thought was
03:50just me being
03:52a soft
03:52not
03:55not being a man
03:56with my coach
03:57because I thought that
03:58I wouldn't get picked
03:59and then I would end up
04:00off the list
04:00so I didn't share that
04:02with anyone
04:02or didn't even see a doctor
04:03about it
04:04so it's been
04:07nearly 10 years
04:09since you
04:09stepped away
04:11from football
04:12and sort of
04:12stepped away
04:13from that
04:13hyper-masculine
04:14environment
04:15what's that experience
04:16been like
04:17of leaving that world
04:19behind
04:19so
04:21I
04:24I got to
04:26the end of my career
04:27the last couple of years
04:28and
04:29I remember
04:31I remember
04:32I was walking through
04:33the corridors
04:33and
04:34it was our
04:35club
04:36it was our club
04:37chaplain
04:38and we were just walking past
04:41and usually just be like
04:42hey how you going
04:42and then just kept walking
04:44but
04:44this particular day
04:46he stops me
04:48he guards me on the shoulder
04:49and goes
04:49hey mister
04:51I just want to tell you one thing
04:52and I was just like
04:53you know
04:54most players
04:55most players
04:56most NFL players
04:58you think they go and have fun
04:59at these
04:59at these clubs
05:00but there's a lot of
05:01moping around
05:02footy clubs
05:03I was walking around
05:05he stops me
05:06he goes
05:06hey I want to tell you something
05:07he goes
05:08hey
05:09Mitch
05:10just remember that
05:11football
05:13doesn't define you
05:14you define you
05:18you're Mitch
05:19the human
05:20not Mitch
05:21the footballer
05:22and it was just like
05:24that
05:24that moment
05:25he's like
05:25tapped me on the shoulder again
05:27and just walked off
05:28into the darkness
05:29to the light
05:31and
05:32at the moment
05:34I
05:35it started this like
05:37thirst and urge
05:38to meet new people
05:40so
05:41for the first time in my life
05:43I was about to turn 28
05:44I started to
05:47fantasise
05:48and
05:48and
05:49and really want
05:50to be
05:52having the choice
05:55and the decisions
05:55to meet the people
05:56that I want to meet
05:57and to be around
05:59the teams
06:00and the communities
06:00that I want to be
06:01because remember
06:03I didn't choose
06:04my schoolmates
06:04I didn't choose
06:07my teammates
06:08the recruiters did that
06:09and I was just
06:11sick of it
06:12being around men
06:13the whole time
06:14you know
06:16it's funny
06:16because I'm a dragon to men
06:17and you'd think
06:18that'd be great
06:18and it was the first time
06:24I was like
06:24hey I need to go meet
06:25amazing people
06:27that aren't footballers
06:28I need to get you
06:29meet people that
06:30I can relate to
06:32I need to go meet people
06:34that can make me feel safe
06:35to ask a question
06:37and to feel seen
06:39and not be judged
06:41and feel comfortable in that
06:42I need to go find these people
06:44because I wasn't feeling it
06:45I wasn't finding it
06:46where I was
06:47and that was the reason
06:48why I left
06:49you know
06:50I had time
06:51I had a brilliant time
06:52playing football
06:53and I'm grateful for that
06:54you know
06:55AFL football's amazing
06:56I loved it
06:57and the opportunities
06:58that come from it
06:59but for me
07:00I was ready to
07:01embark on
07:02finding new people
07:04to help find myself
07:05and feel comfortable
07:07in doing that
07:08and that's
07:09you know
07:09the time I left football
07:10you know
07:11it's been since
07:12nine years now
07:13you know
07:15it's been a gradual
07:16phase
07:16and I'm still
07:17working on this
07:18I'm still trying to
07:19find who I am
07:20my identity
07:20and it's
07:22because I've been around
07:24amazing people
07:25like you Lou
07:26amazing people
07:29that
07:29you know
07:30I can
07:30I don't have to
07:32that don't have to
07:33give me this big speech
07:34of hey Mitch
07:34you know you can tell me
07:35anything right
07:36come sit on my lap
07:37you know you'll be right
07:37it's not about that
07:40it's about these
07:41times of finding myself
07:43in these
07:43most casual
07:45settings
07:45these one percenters
07:46of the specs
07:48and allowing me
07:50to be who I am
07:52and be okay with that
Be the first to comment
Add your comment

Recommended