- 1 week ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, damn it!
00:15Hey, hey, officer.
00:17You're sitting on the toilet.
00:18You need to be wearing your safety belt, sir.
00:20Yeah, no, I had it on.
00:22I just took it off for a second to get the, uh, to get to the...
00:25The address here is 260 Avenue de los Mexicanos.
00:28Oh, come on. Don't give me a ticket.
00:30Gotta wear the safety belt or you could fall in.
00:33I'm not gonna fall in. I'm not a chick.
00:36Law's the law, sir.
00:38You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date.
00:41Have a good day, sir.
00:42Yeah, thanks.
00:44Asshole.
00:45You say something?
00:46No, I was talking to my asshole.
00:48Come on, asshole. Let's get back to work.
00:58Oh, my God.
01:20They killed Kenny.
01:21You bastards.
01:28Uh, hi. I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflawski's father.
01:39Have a seat.
01:40I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.
01:43What's this about, Kyle?
01:44Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me want to puke.
01:47Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow anyone at the school to be made feel unsafe and harassed.
01:51What did he say?
01:53You'll have to excuse my language.
01:57I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero.
02:06This kind of transphobic and bigoted hate speech isn't gonna fly here, bro!
02:11I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is...
02:13And bigoted hate speech isn't gonna fly here, bro!
02:16I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind.
02:22And then this shit comes out of people's mouths!
02:26PC Principal, I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person and not trying to say anything against...
02:33You got a fucking problem, bro?
02:36No?
02:37Because it's not Bruce fucking Jenner! It's Caitlyn! And she's a fucking stunning woman!
02:41Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! Huh?
02:44Huh? What's up? What you fucking up, bro?
02:47Look, maybe we can all just take...
02:49Get the fuck out of here, dude!
02:55I mean, who the hell does this guy think he is?
03:00Some college kid's gonna come in and tell us our ways are old?
03:04Yeah. And you can't bully our kids like that.
03:07Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.
03:09For what?
03:11Just because he said something about Caitlyn Jenner.
03:13Oh. Caitlyn Jenner?
03:16She's a hero.
03:17She is stunning and brave.
03:19Stunning.
03:19She is absolutely beautiful and an inspiration.
03:22Yep.
03:22Yep, that's right.
03:24Well, what the hell are you guys talking...
03:25Oh, we gotta be careful, Gerald.
03:27This is a college bar.
03:29Somebody here have a problem with Caitlyn Jenner?
03:31No.
03:32No?
03:33Because she's a stunning, beautiful woman,
03:34and if you want to call her anything else, I'm ready to fucking throw down.
03:37No, no. We're totally fine with it.
03:40Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!
03:42It?
03:43Did somebody just refer to Caitlyn Jenner as it?
03:45I'm PC, bro. I'll throw down.
03:47Sweet. You're PC, bro?
03:48Yeah, Arizona State.
03:49Sweet, bro. I'm PC UMass.
03:50Fuck yeah. Sweet, dude.
03:52Sweet.
03:52So do we have a fucking problem here?
03:54No.
03:55Caitlyn Jenner is the bravest woman in America.
03:58Woo, woo, woo.
04:00Did someone here just say America
04:01in a way that otherizes and demeans the people of Latin and South America?
04:05Nice, dude. You PC?
04:06Yeah, Chino Hills.
04:08You think Venezuelans aren't Americans, brah?
04:10Yeah, you want to make fun of me?
04:11Hey, what seems to be the problem here, gentlemen?
04:14Who the...
04:14The next time Candide places a match against the wick of this lavender vanilla insult,
04:19she'll find only too late that I have replaced it with this humble stick of Dianamite.
04:26Mr. B, did you embed dynamite in this candle?
04:28I'm not allowed in here, remember?
04:31And put razor blade to the shell soap?
04:34No.
04:35And a harpoon in the toilet that is activated by the flushing mechanism?
04:42Why, the only other person with access to the executive water room is...
04:46Candide was trying to kill me.
04:49Candide was trying to...
04:52kill me.
04:58Wait a minute, I've never worn pearls.
05:01Candide must have gotten these for me.
05:04Oh, they're bombs!
05:05Woo!
05:10Things have changed, though.
05:12Thought when we got a black president, things would be different.
05:14We got the black president,
05:15but why they still don't trust me?
05:17Use his motherfucking phone.
05:18No, wait, I'm sorry, you're right, you're right.
05:20We do have a black president.
05:22Please, come in.
05:26Nice work, Connor.
05:29Yeah, the old hasn't-anything-changed speech.
05:32Works on white people all the time.
05:34Eric Cartman?
05:36Surprised to see me, asshole?
05:37Close the door.
05:39Eric, your father never wanted this to happen.
05:42He was protecting you as well as them.
05:45Them who?
05:45I didn't say date, I said data.
05:48As in data transfer?
05:50I'd like to put all the Titan's most sensitive files on my flash drive.
05:55Eric, you have to understand, it's all very complicated.
05:58Then start explaining it to me.
06:01Very well.
06:03Come on, the door's open!
06:05Dr. Mephesto, we need your help!
06:08Oh, for crying out loud, now everybody's letting themselves in.
06:10Doctor, this is-
06:13We want you to clone him so we can give his copies to Gingers and Barbra Streisand.
06:20Oh, all right.
06:21No, no, no, no, no.
06:23He's not doing anything except explaining who my father is.
06:26Dude, I'm with the windshield.
06:28Ain't that just guy as hell.
06:29Oh, it's so easy for you, isn't it, Kitty?
06:46I have to prove myself.
06:48Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
06:49Sorry, dude, I'm winning this race.
06:51With the break.
06:52Bye, Kitty.
06:53Oh, Jesus, there's a little boy on the track!
07:06Well, it appears that all the other drivers have crashed and only the Vagisil car remains.
07:11Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hamill.
07:13This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris.
07:16Our product awareness will be at an all-time high.
07:18How about a little kissy first?
07:28Oh.
07:29Aw, trading security codes already?
07:32This sounds serious.
07:34Oh, please regale us with your tale of love at first visual contact.
07:39Okay, it's a pretty typical story, though.
07:41Boy meets girl, girl at-
07:43...for returning is wonderful.
07:46Is wonderful.
07:48Stan!
07:50What the hell did you do?
07:51I don't know!
07:59Hello, young man.
08:00I'm the head of Scientology.
08:03It is...
08:04...great honor to meet you.
08:08All right, what the hell is going on here?
08:11We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
08:14He is the reincarnation of our church's most sacred prophet.
08:18What?
08:20Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing in his second coming.
08:23Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?
08:26We're not asking him to join us.
08:28We're asking him to lead us.
08:30Oh, my God, it's John Travolta!
08:35Is this where he lives?
08:37Is this where Elron Hubbard is?
08:38Oh, my God!
08:39Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists.
08:43Do you believe me now?
08:45Young man, I know you don't remember it, but your name was Elron Hubbard.
08:50Oh, look, Joanie just texted me.
08:55We need to talk.
08:57Sorry about that breakup, Jeff.
09:01It was fun while it lasted, though, right?
09:03Break up?
09:04No, she wants to talk.
09:05That's code for mouth sex.
09:07Right?
09:10Joan wants to break up with me?
09:12But she's the only girl I ever loved.
09:13Something's happening in my body.
09:16I'm all wet.
09:17There's like a tiny drum in my tent.
09:19That's just stress, bro.
09:21Or a heart attack.
09:22But probably stress.
09:23But I never felt stress before.
09:26Oh, God.
09:26I can't lose Joan.
09:27I can't be the first Kennedy to have a relationship fail.
09:30I got it.
09:31Easy solution.
09:32Avoid Joan so she can't break up with you.
09:35I know where we can hide.
09:40I run away from like 99% of my problems.
09:43Was JFK here?
09:49Oh, I thought I heard him.
09:51Am I going crazy?
09:52Where is he?
09:54Is it hot in here?
09:55Why am I sweating so much?
09:57Oh, jeez.
10:00Very diligently.
10:05Patty?
10:07Patty?
10:07It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Jimmy Johnson's car.
10:16What?
10:24Ma'am?
10:25You are...
10:25I'm not a fish, Aqualad.
10:39And you can't make me into one.
10:42Tara, wait.
10:43You're beautiful without gills.
10:45That's pretty funny.
10:54You're hogging it all, asshole.
10:56Because I paid for it, you stupid bitch.
10:58You paid for it with the money I made washing dishes at the Olive Garden.
11:01I told you to shut up.
11:03Give it to me, you prick.
11:05Oh, God, he's back.
11:09It's that mystery kid again.
11:11What the hell do you want this time?
11:15Hey, look, we did what you told us.
11:18We treat our kids better and we don't beat each other up as much.
11:20And we gave our son's allowances and stopped getting high every night.
11:23I'm not here about that.
11:28Oh.
11:28Ten years ago, you were arrested for being in some kind of cult.
11:36Titan test!
11:39Sorry, you startled me.
11:41I just wanted some milk.
11:53I can't take it, Mr. B.
11:58The glass ceiling.
11:59The excesses tippy-tip-tip-tip-tapping of all of them reptile nails.
12:04Scudworth, I need your key to the principal's private washroom.
12:07Let me see where I put it.
12:09I'm not giving it to her.
12:10She can't boss me around like that.
12:12Oh, that's not it.
12:13No, she can't.
12:14I won't.
12:15I should be here somewhere.
12:17Share it, Mr. B.
12:17This is my space.
12:18Everything is just so.
12:20Even the pubes on the toilet seat.
12:23I told you they weren't mustache-trippings!
12:30You stupid bitch!
12:32What the fuck is wrong with you?
12:34I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig!
12:39You don't queef in bed while we're having sex!
12:41Fuck you!
12:42You don't fucking slap me!
12:45Could you please keep it down?
12:46We're trying to have sex over here.
12:48Oh, hey, Kenny.
12:51Come here, dude.
12:51I want to show you what I've been working on.
12:53Check it out.
12:55I thought I could just give all my money away and be poor as your family.
12:57But then I realized.
12:58What do poor people do?
13:00Buy things even though they don't have money
13:02by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years.
13:05That's how you people stay poor forever.
13:07Am I right?
13:08That's it, right?
13:10Oh, thank you.
13:11Kenny, I'm just...
13:11Ike, what's the matter?
13:17Dude, you've been in here crying all morning.
13:18What's going on?
13:19Oh, my God.
13:30Ike, are you sure about this?
13:32Yes!
13:32Yes!
13:34Ike, this is a big deal.
13:35You have to be absolutely 100%...
13:37I saw them, Krile.
13:38I saw them!
13:41Oh, no.
13:42Hey.
13:49Who are you?
13:51It doesn't matter who we are.
13:53What matters is our plan.
13:55You should have respected my authority.
13:59Woo!
14:00Woo!
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