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The Blame Game Season 23 Episode 1
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00:30Hello! Hello, hello and welcome to the Blame Game, the show that does to the news what the Supreme Court has just done to your school's nativity play.
00:43I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are Colin Murphy, Diona Doherty and Neil Delamere!
00:49And our special guest tonight is a superb stand-up comedian originally from Cork but now living here.
01:02He's a brilliant live act who has also had loads of TV credits to his name, including Russell Harde's Good News and live at the Comedy Store.
01:09And he co-presents The Breakfast Show on Q Radio.
01:11Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the hilarious Andrew Ryan!
01:14Andrew was actually on The Blame Game last year but only the radio version.
01:26But now that he's got his turkey teeth and a hair transplant, we've let him on the telly.
01:32Out of the two of us, Tim, we all know who needs that trip to Turkey more.
01:35It's a brand new series of The Blame Game, ladies and gentlemen.
01:41So what's been happening since we last saw you in December 2024?
01:44Well, Donald Trump was back in the White House, we got a new pope and we're still waiting for Casement Park to be built.
01:51Yes, Trump was back and within weeks he imposed tariffs on an island full of penguins,
01:55started a scrap with Canada and threatened to invade Greenland.
01:59Trump is obsessed with desolated wastelands.
02:02Honestly, if I was lurking, I'd be crapping myself.
02:072025 so far has been a year of conflict, wars in Ukraine and the Middle East,
02:11global tensions over trade and tariffs,
02:13and in Northern Ireland we had a row about bilingual signs in a train station.
02:20In May, a member of NICAP was charged under the Terrorism Act for waving a Hezbollah flag at a gig
02:25and everybody in Northern Ireland went, how long a minute, terrorist flags are illegal?
02:31When did this happen?
02:34Charges were later dropped under the legal principle,
02:36if we convict him, we'll have to arrest most of East and West Belfast.
02:42Last year, Gerry Adams actually made a cameo appearance in the kneecap film,
02:46or maybe he didn't, that's how good his lawyers are.
02:48Yes, at the end of May, Gerry Adams won 100,000 euros in a libel action against the BBC.
03:01Yes, the BBC is in trouble with two of the world's most famously honest politicians.
03:09First Gerry, now the Donald.
03:11The BBC, they just hate Republicans.
03:13Gerry was delighted with his 100,000 euros until last week,
03:20when Donald Trump threatened to sue the BBC for a billion dollars.
03:24And now Gerry feels short-changed.
03:29Donald Trump is suing them for one or even five billion dollars,
03:32and the BBC are confident they'll successfully defend themselves in court.
03:36In an unrelated matter, the BBC have also announced a slight increase in the licence fee
03:40from £174 to £18,463 and 27p.
03:50And finally, you're actually lucky I'm here at all tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
03:53I applied for a new job recently.
03:54Yes, I saw a vacancy and I went for it.
03:56The job is Duke of York.
04:03It's OK, it's OK.
04:04I didn't get it.
04:06Apparently I sweat too much.
04:07Yes, this year has not been good for former Prince, now Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
04:15He's lost all his royal titles and his bodyguard, which is awful.
04:18I mean, who's going to drive him to Pizza Express now?
04:22Now, on with the show, the audience asked the questions,
04:24and our panel provides some very unreliable answers.
04:26So what questions did you, the audience, ask us as you came in?
04:29We have some questions from the audience.
04:31First one, who's to blame for this first date if it goes wrong?
04:34Who's that?
04:37Who didn't leave a name?
04:38Who's that?
04:39Ooh, over there.
04:40Hello, Anne.
04:41The tickets to this are free, aren't they?
04:45Well played, sir.
04:46Well played.
04:49Our first question tonight is asked by Una, who's from Castlewell.
04:52And Una, what's your question?
04:55Who's to blame for religion being illegal?
04:57Yes, in a shock decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that Catholic and Protestant schools
05:02cannot teach their Catholic and Protestant pupils how to be Catholic and Protestant.
05:07I want to be objective about this, but let's be clear.
05:10If this nonsense goes ahead, my career is ruined.
05:16And there's a real chance that young people could grow up not even knowing the basic rules
05:20of their faith, such as why they should support Celtic rather than Rangers, and why Troy Parrott
05:27is now technically a saint.
05:31But who can we blame for religion being illegal now?
05:35Yeah, the judgment said that kids here aren't taught RE.
05:40It's more that they're indoctrinated.
05:42That was a very strong word.
05:44Indoctrinated.
05:44I heard that.
05:45And I thought, bless us and save us, Jesus, holy sweet mother of God.
05:52Indoctrinated.
05:52How very dare they.
05:54Do you know what I mean?
05:54That's ridiculous.
05:57It's, of course I've been indoctrinated.
05:59Do you know what I mean?
06:08The fact you all knew what he was doing, even the Protestants.
06:13We're totally indoctrinated.
06:16Do you know what I mean?
06:16I could, I tell you for a fact, right?
06:19And I know I wouldn't be the only one in this room for a fact that I could be out anywhere
06:24in the world, right?
06:24It doesn't have to be here, right?
06:26Anywhere in the world, in a bar, enjoying myself, doing shots, dancing like an idiot,
06:31having a great time to myself.
06:32And as the DJ just cut the music, grabbed the mic and just started going, I confess to
06:37him, Eddie God and to you, my brothers and sisters.
06:38I would immediately stop with him and immediately go, that I have greatly sinned and I don't
06:42get it.
06:43I would immediately drop in.
06:44It's that thing, if you can get a Catholic anywhere, if you get them in bed, just whisper
06:48in their ear, just in the middle of it, just at the appropriate moment, just start whispering,
06:51Hail Mary for the God.
06:54What's the appropriate moment?
06:58You know.
06:58There's been a huge drop-off anyway, I don't know what they're worrying about, because
07:04there has been a massive drop-off in everybody going to church, no matter what the nomination,
07:08and especially young people as well, young people going to church.
07:11And I've said this before and I'll say it again, is that the way, if you want kids to
07:16not do something, right, the way to get them to not do it is put it on the curriculum.
07:20That's how you get them to not do it.
07:22Teach them.
07:23That will bore the whole, there will be no interest in it whatsoever.
07:26See, RE, it's on the curriculum, they're bored.
07:27They don't want to care.
07:28You could have done this with smoking years ago.
07:30It would have cut teenage smoking in, you'd start teaching smoking as part of the curriculum.
07:34And kids there going, ah, I'll double smoking next hour.
07:41You could have done it with drugs, do you know what I mean?
07:44Get in here, get in here, you're lit, you're lit for drugs.
07:48I want to see a hundred lines in front of you.
07:53I think integrated education is really important.
07:55Like, my daughter goes to an integrated primary school and I think that's really important
08:00for her as a Catholic atheist to mix with a Protestant atheist.
08:05But I genuinely feel like I'm undoing decades of secretarianism when I teach her that, like,
08:09not all bellies are silly.
08:11I'm learning French at the moment.
08:18I'm trying to learn French at the moment, right?
08:20Uh-huh.
08:20Yeah.
08:21Yes.
08:22And you have a dress like one, which is fantastic.
08:26I have dressed like a French.
08:28Like a French.
08:29Yeah, you look like a French person.
08:30It's very chic.
08:32And the man was trying to explain that the religious adjective goes after the noun.
08:35But instead of picking a human, he picked animals.
08:38So he, instead of going, an homme catholique, he went, for example,
08:42un chien catholique, a Catholic dog.
08:46And I was like, I don't know if dog's a Catholic, but continue.
08:50And he kept going, he's like, un chien, hindu, a hindu cat.
08:54Like, you can't have a hindu cat.
08:56Do you know how many lives a hindu cat would have?
09:01He kept going, he's like, un pic, kemwán de Jehovah, a Jehovah's Witness Woodpecker.
09:08I was like, they would never stop knocking at your door.
09:12But still, like, school's so stressed.
09:22It's stressful enough without worrying about whether they're learning religion or not.
09:25Because, like, kids sat the transfer tests last week.
09:28Like, that's still a thing.
09:30And I just think we shouldn't be judging, like, an 11-year-old
09:33on how they perform in one exam.
09:34We should be judging them on how much money their mum and dad have.
09:37Did you see that Israel, the U.S. ambassador to Israel had a go to Ireland?
09:44Did you see that?
09:44Mike Huckabee said, oh, yeah, have you fallen...
09:46They were talking about the Occupy's Territories Bill in the Dáil.
09:48And he went, oh, have you fallen into a vat of Guinness?
09:51Ireland needs to sober up.
09:53This is what he said.
09:55And he's the former governor of Arkansas,
09:57and he's the current U.S. ambassador to Israel.
09:59And you just think, man, dude, I don't think it's necessarily helpful
10:02for you to just reinforce these kind of prejudiced stereotypes.
10:05You need to go home, divorce your sister,
10:07and shove your banjo up your horse.
10:15Oh, speaking of people getting annoyed,
10:16oh, every year, same thing, every single year.
10:19Oh, outraged people in the Daily Mail going crazy.
10:22Bloody Tesco. Bloody Tesco.
10:25Bloody Tesco. Bloody Tesco.
10:29They're not getting my club reward points.
10:30Bloody Tesco, renamed Christmas trees,
10:34evergreen trees.
10:36It's bloody Christmas.
10:38They've lost their...
10:38Yeah, they do that every year.
10:40Yeah, lost their picky over it.
10:41I've seen the funniest thing I'd say to Tesco one time,
10:44the best bit of graffiti I've ever seen.
10:46There was one of those signs someone had stuck on
10:48to the side of the wall, it's like saying, Jesus saves.
10:50Do you ever see those?
10:51And someone had spray-painted below ass
10:53because he has a club card.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56Thank you, thank you very much for that.
11:07Yes, indeed, education was in the news this week.
11:10Kim Kardashian wants to be a lawyer
11:11but sadly failed her California bar exams,
11:14which sounds not too bad until you realise,
11:16wait a minute, Kim Kardashian is not as bright as Jimmy Bryson.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22So what is our next question tonight?
11:24Our next question tonight is asked by Sam from Bangor.
11:27Hi, Sam, what's your question?
11:28Yeah.
11:29Who's to blame for World Cup fever?
11:31In a dramatic match this week,
11:33Scotland beat Denmark to reach the World Cup finals.
11:36Scotland fans say the match couldn't have been any better
11:38but of course it could have been.
11:40It could have been against England.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:42I genuinely want Northern Ireland to make it,
11:46partly because I really admire what Michael O'Neill
11:47has done with his young squad,
11:49but mainly because Michelle O'Neill will have to use the N-word
11:52and congratulate Northern Ireland.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:55Oh, I'm so excited about this.
11:59It's going to be tremendous and it was brilliant
12:01because earlier in the week when we realised
12:03that Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
12:04were both in the draw, everybody did the same thing
12:06and it was on the front of the Irish News
12:07and it was just like,
12:08can the Republic of Ireland, can they play Northern Ireland?
12:12And everybody was like, oh, I don't know if that's a good idea
12:13and the PS and I were going, oh, the overtime!
12:16Oh, my God, the overtime!
12:17Oh, my God, I could get a new kitchen.
12:20Oh, this would be absolutely fantastic.
12:23Just because these two...
12:24I'm going to get so much storage
12:25because these two jurisdictions are playing each other
12:28but ironically, I won't partition the island.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33That's a kitchen storage joke.
12:36And then...
12:37LAUGHTER
12:37I watched...
12:39I watched it.
12:40The draw was so boring today.
12:42It was just...
12:43Because it's bureaucrats from FIFA
12:45and then one very glamorous presenter
12:47and they're going, oh, it may be their sixth time
12:49in the World Cup
12:50or they haven't been to the World Cup since 1982
12:52and it's boring.
12:53Just boom, boom, boom.
12:55It should be like a GAA draw for a meat raffle.
12:57That's what it should be.
12:58It should be a pink ticket, a pink ticket,
13:00Bosnia-Herzegovina.
13:02That's what it should be.
13:02Or it should be like bingo,
13:04but every country has a bingo call.
13:06You know, like two fat ladies?
13:06It should be just like,
13:08brand-new tits, turkey!
13:09LAUGHTER
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13Versus Vida bread munchers,
13:17Northern Ireland.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18Or, don't stand close to the windows,
13:20Russia.
13:21LAUGHTER
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23LAUGHTER
13:24Versus, your tourists only go one way,
13:27Switzerland.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30LAUGHTER
13:30You're going to need to get quicker
13:33on all these places.
13:34These are just like the man we don't talk about,
13:37Austria.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:39Versus, ooooooooh...
13:42Wales.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46It's glorious, right?
13:49And Cristiano Ronaldo getting sent off against us
13:51is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
13:53Of course, you can't call him Cristiano Ronaldo now
13:56because of the Supreme Court ruling.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58You have to call him Muslim,
14:00Muslim or Ronaldo and you or Ronaldo
14:04and Cristiano Ronaldo
14:05because you have to say them all
14:07in equal amount of time.
14:08So, Ronaldo getting sent off is very funny.
14:11He's now in the White House, as we speak,
14:13having a meal with Donald Trump,
14:15MBS from Saudi Arabia and Elon Musk.
14:20Can you imagine having a meal with those?
14:22It's like the last supper where everybody is Judas.
14:24LAUGHTER
14:25LAUGHTER
14:26I wouldn't eat dinner with Mohammed bin Salman, would you?
14:32No.
14:32He'd chop up your steak and then deny he ever did it.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:36But, of course, Ronaldo now plays for Saudi Arabia.
14:39Well, he plays in the Saudi League
14:40and the Saudi Wealth Fund could buy pretty much
14:43any football team in the world.
14:45The Saudi Wealth Fund could buy any Irish League club
14:50whatsoever except one, I always thought, yeah.
14:52Which one?
14:53Well, it's the home of Islam, so Crusaders.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:57They're not buying Crusaders.
15:01So, I just think it's very, very exciting.
15:04When Trump met MBS, he was asked a question, did you see this?
15:07He was asked a question about Khashoggi, the journalist
15:09who was chopped up in the embassy.
15:11And, of course, Trump always does the same thing.
15:12He goes, where are you from?
15:13They went ABC and they went, ABC, fake news.
15:15But he always knows the outlet, so then he can come back.
15:18Just once I want somebody to go, what about Khashoggi?
15:21And he goes, where are you from?
15:22The Strabang Chronicle.
15:23Answer the fucking question.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27I'll tell you, I'll tell you.
15:31Look, like Neil, obviously, I'm a massive Republic of Ireland fan,
15:34right, but I also, today, when the draw...
15:36Sorry, I'm a massive Republic of Ireland fan,
15:37but when the draw was done, Northern Ireland got Italy, right,
15:41and I just really felt for the Northern Irish fans, right,
15:44because there is no direct flights from Northern Ireland to Italy.
15:48They have to go to Dublin, which is going to drive
15:50the Northern Ireland fans insane.
15:52Secondly, the game is on, potentially,
15:55at the Stadio d'Olimpico in Rome,
15:56the most Catholic city in the whole world, right?
16:00The last time an Irish team was in Rome,
16:02it's part some sort of World Cup, it was Italian 90,
16:05and that team got an audience with the Pope, right,
16:08and I got a feeling this team will not be getting anywhere near the Pope,
16:11right, and if Northern Ireland can get through Whitley
16:14and get through there, there's definitely a chance
16:16that NICAP can do the DUP conference, right?
16:19I'm guaranteed with that.
16:20So, the best of luck for them.
16:21This is like the start of it, by the way.
16:23I don't follow football either.
16:25Like, this is the first time I've heard of this guy, Troy,
16:27and it's such a bizarre name for somebody from Dublin.
16:29I've never heard, I've never met someone in real life called Troy.
16:32I imagine the day he was born, his mum was like,
16:35quick, think of a name to the dad.
16:36He was like, I don't know, and she was like, just Troy,
16:38and he was like, I am Troy, and I...
16:40And his daughter was born.
16:44You were called Dionna.
16:47And his daughter was born.
16:50Who was your...
16:50Who is your favourite princess married to Charles?
16:57Dionna.
17:01Who owns this child, Dionna?
17:02Who owns this child?
17:03Who owns this child?
17:04Who owns this child?
17:05Who owns this child?
17:06That press conference as well, in the White House,
17:09with Crown Prince, hoo-ha, and they were sitting there,
17:12and then the journalists sort of accused him
17:14about the murder of Khashoggi and all that,
17:17and Trump basically said,
17:18hey, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:21Things happen, you know what I mean?
17:22Better be, better be.
17:23He's not a very nice guy.
17:25What are you saying?
17:26This guy's innocent.
17:27You know what I mean?
17:27Hey.
17:28That's what he said.
17:29That's exactly what he was like.
17:31That's exactly what he was like.
17:32I'm not joking.
17:33Oh, yeah, man.
17:34Awful.
17:35It's a shame if you were to get knocked over
17:37by a jalopy on the way home.
17:38Get the tummy gone.
17:41Jimmy Cagney.
17:42You dirty rag.
17:44One of my friends worked for Donald Trump for a couple of years.
17:49Before he was in politics, he worked for him
17:51at one of his golf courses.
17:52Really?
17:53And he's actually from here, and he was working for him.
17:55And I said, what was he like?
17:56And he said, he's the greatest boss I've ever had.
17:58What?
17:59Why?
18:00He said he was the best boss he's ever had.
18:01He would turn up three or four times a year.
18:03Every time he'd turn up, everyone got a pay increase.
18:05What?
18:06He'd just turn up, shop looks great, pay increase.
18:08Then he'd bring you out for dinner.
18:09He said he was the best boss ever.
18:11But if you disagreed with him on one thing, you were gone.
18:15So he was being...
18:16What did I say?
18:17What did I tell you?
18:18Things happen.
18:19Things happen.
18:20You know, Trump's granddaughter is nearly qualified
18:24for the ladies' PGA tour.
18:26Is she?
18:27His granddaughter, she's a fantastic golfer.
18:28And his son, Barron, is a very good football player, you know?
18:30Are you on some sort of payroll?
18:32No, no, no, no.
18:33Have the BBC got to you?
18:35Have the BBC got to you?
18:37No, no, no.
18:38There's somebody up there talking to him.
18:40What's the...?
18:41You can say what you want.
18:42You can say what you want.
18:43You can say what you want.
18:44But I like him.
18:45And Pol Pot of Cambodia.
18:46What a bad rep he gets.
18:48I'm only telling you what I'm hearing.
18:51Right.
18:52A friend of mine used to work for Mussolini.
18:53Now, did I have Mussolini?
18:55There were some great roads in...
18:58Do you know how else...
19:01A friend of mine...
19:02A friend of mine...
19:03A friend of mine works for Victor Orban.
19:08And Victor Orban slipped a few quid after...
19:11Ah, ma, won the All-Ireland.
19:13Slipped a few quid to a PSNI officer to just drive around with a jersey...
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19APPLAUSE
19:21What?!
19:24Can we cut that whole trumpet out?
19:28No, no, no.
19:29We'll get to the World Cup next year.
19:31No, no.
19:32Stop the count.
19:33I'm just trying to get tickets for Ireland when we get to America.
19:35That's all I'm trying to do is get tickets.
19:36LAUGHTER
19:38Thank you very much indeed.
19:39Yes, Donald Trump has finally authorised the release of the Epstein files.
19:44Will the files exonerate Trump or will they convict him?
19:47Well, I suppose it depends on how the BBC decides to edit them.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:52APPLAUSE
19:54So, what is our next question tonight?
20:02Our next question tonight is asked by Rachel from Ballyna Hinge.
20:05Hi, Rachel.
20:06Who's to blame for ill health?
20:08Yes.
20:09GPs in Northern Ireland have backed the motion of no confidence
20:12in Health Minister Mike Nesbitt.
20:14Mike says he will do everything in his power
20:16to resolve his dispute with the GPs as soon as possible,
20:19as this would be the right thing to do.
20:21Plus, he has a prostate examination scheduled for next Thursday.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:26The dispute between Mike and the GPs is getting petty.
20:29The GPs offered to talk to Nesbitt,
20:31but when they phoned his office at half eight,
20:33they were told they were number 67 in a queue.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:44But who can we blame for ill health?
20:46Well, I think Mike Nesbitt gave the GPs a 4% increase.
20:50He gave them a 4% increase on their wages.
20:53Didn't have the budget for it.
20:54He's writing cheques he can't cash, right?
20:56Like him for that.
20:57They then came together, they had a meeting,
21:00probably for about ten minutes,
21:01and then they said that they had no confidence in them, right?
21:03Because that's all they're allowed, ten minutes of meetings, right?
21:05But since I've lived here in North Down,
21:08I think from watching the health service around here,
21:11I think everybody here on this panel, everybody watching at home,
21:14everybody in the studio tonight over the last five years,
21:16we can all agree with every single person
21:18that works in the health service,
21:20I think we can all agree and come together as well.
21:21It's probably the only thing in Northern Ireland
21:23that people from all communities will come together and agree in,
21:26is the staff of the NHS that...
21:28Have you thought about working a bit harder?
21:30You know what I mean? Like, um...
21:33Little Whinge'n!
21:35Little Whinge'n!
21:38You know, you're lucky to have a job!
21:40Little Whinge'n!
21:43Since I...
21:44We'll cut that out!
21:45That was the end!
21:47No, no, no, no, no!
21:48That stays in!
21:49And the Trump thing!
21:51And the Trump thing!
21:52That stays in with the Trump thing!
21:54For my final appearance on The Blaine!
21:57Stop doing this! Stop doing this!
21:59But, like, the thing is, right,
22:01when I ring my GP here, like you do, right,
22:03I ring in the morning, I swear to God, right,
22:04you ring up and go,
22:05Hiya, can I get an appointment?
22:06What's it concerning?!
22:08I said, it's concerning me health!
22:12I haven't rang up to cancel the sky!
22:17What's the problem?
22:18I said, I can't sleep!
22:19Sure, none of us are sleeping at the moment!
22:22She goes, we'll get the duty doctor to give you a call back,
22:24what's the best time to call you?
22:26I said, between 2am...
22:29..and 6am, right,
22:32one day I was walking past my GP, right,
22:34I was walking past and I talked to myself,
22:36oh, I must pop in and book an appointment
22:37for, like, six weeks down the line
22:39to review some medication I'm on.
22:41I'm on meds, right?
22:42No!
22:43So I said, I must walk in.
22:44So I walked in and I said to the woman,
22:45I said, hi, I was just passing,
22:46can I just get an appointment for, like, six weeks?
22:48She goes, you need to call us at eight o'clock in the morning.
22:50I said, listen, I don't want a same-day emergency appointment,
22:53I just want one, like, six weeks down the line,
22:55can you not just put me in when you have a gap?
22:57Like, and I went and she goes, I'm sorry,
22:59we don't do appointments face-to-face,
23:00you have to ring us up.
23:01So I took out my phone, right?
23:04I'm standing in the GP surgery and I'm like,
23:06you want me to ring you?
23:07I'll ring you, yeah, right?
23:08And the phone behind her rang and she actually went...
23:14And I went, don't pick it up, I'm in front of you, right?
23:17And I thought, no wonder it takes ages to get an antidote,
23:20they don't understand the logic, right?
23:21And every time I get a prescription, right,
23:23every time I get a prescription off the doctor,
23:24I go down to the pharmacy and this is another thing
23:26that gets me, you walk in, you go, hiya,
23:28can I just get this, please?
23:29And they're like, be 20 minutes.
23:31And I'm like, it's behind you.
23:33It's behind you.
23:35Turn around.
23:36I'm looking at it.
23:37Why are you wearing a white coat?
23:39You're a shelf stacker.
23:40Like, it's literally...
23:41Turn around.
23:43There it is.
23:44Will you just give me the Viagra?
23:46Like, it's just there.
23:55So, yeah, I feel sorry for them all,
23:56they're all under pressure, but poor Mike.
23:58But they are under pressure.
24:00Like, the GP's under so much pressure now
24:02that they're now drafting in vets
24:05to go into farms
24:07to convince farmers to go to the doctors
24:09because the farmers don't want to waste the doctor's time.
24:11I mean, they're happy to ring the vets
24:12whenever their sheep sneezes in the wrong accent.
24:15You know what I mean?
24:16They don't want to...
24:17But I think that's just like, it's not just farmers,
24:19that's men of a certain age.
24:21Sorry to some of you on the panel,
24:23and I'll not say which ones.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:28Better just admit...
24:29What are you looking at, please?
24:31What are you saying?
24:32It's not him.
24:33I'm the youngest person here.
24:34We can all point at each other.
24:35Better just, mate, like, we all...
24:36They don't want to waste the doctor's time.
24:37Like, we all have a dad or a husband who's like,
24:39that leg there, that leg was always hanging off,
24:41don't worry.
24:42If I get that lumper move,
24:43what will the child her play with?
24:47You won't get any truth out of a farmer anyway.
24:49No.
24:50At the best of times.
24:51Do you know what I mean?
24:52What are you saying, farmers?
24:53Do you know yourself?
24:55It's just, you know, as long as you have your health,
24:56that's the main thing.
25:00When I read that headline about the vets...
25:02Yeah.
25:03The vets, like, medical things to the farmers,
25:06I had visions of, you know,
25:08farmers in pig crits.
25:09That's what I had visions of them in there,
25:11with some vet putting on a massive glove.
25:14Going, right, Fergus,
25:15we're going to have a wee look at this here thing now.
25:19I imagined a vet with, you know, doing a rectal,
25:22and, er, on Fergus.
25:25And just going, easy now, easy.
25:29Are you...
25:30Are you confusing a vet with someone trying to crack a safe?
25:33Yeah.
25:34Oh, we also need to talk about how brilliant somebody was
25:41in blue light.
25:42Oh, yes.
25:43Can we just, er...
25:45She was so like, you know, a woman in control.
25:49I'm just thinking there's no way that Sean, your husband,
25:51didn't go, bring that headset home.
25:53Just maintain position.
25:54I'm trying.
25:55I think I need backup though, to be honest.
25:56I thought you were great.
25:57And the only people that get annoyed at blue lights
25:58and line of duty here are people who have auditioned
26:00and not gotten into it.
26:01Yeah, yeah.
26:02Hey, Tim.
26:03How are you?
26:04I'm Michael.
26:05Yeah, they are saving me for the next series.
26:06Andrew was also...
26:07Andrew was also...
26:08Andrew was also in blue lights.
26:09You were terrible.
26:10You were in blue light?
26:11Season two, yeah.
26:12You were in it.
26:13Yeah.
26:14Yeah, they're saving me for the next series.
26:21I was also in Blue Lights.
26:24You were in Blue Lights? Season two, yeah.
26:26You were in it. Yeah.
26:27What were you doing?
26:28Oh, nurses, they need to work a bit harder.
26:34I was in the final scene of series two.
26:36I was playing an extra.
26:37Yeah, tell us all about it later.
26:38Ellen!
26:44With that response time, you should have been in the police force.
26:48Thank you, thank you very much.
26:50Thank you very much for that.
26:52Just time for a quick fire round.
26:53I will read you various newspaper headlines
26:55and I want you to be faster than a Northern Ireland fan going Italy.
26:59Oh, for ffff...
27:01Sick.
27:03UK mistakenly releases prisoners.
27:06And they don't even have a peace process.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:19How Prince William makes sure his children behave.
27:22You want to spend the weekend with Uncle Andrew.
27:24LAUGHTER
27:31The galaxy is shrinking.
27:33Uranus isn't.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:37Chilli powder will stop animals digging up your garden.
27:40It won't stop them shitting in it, though.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:45Teenager building functioning body parts entirely from Lego.
27:48As his grandas run out of Viagra.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:55There are five different levels of sleep.
27:57Or six if you've ever tried staying awake to Nolan Live.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:05I love the way he said,
28:06No, you should be a ninja announcer.
28:08Nolan Live.
28:10Well, you see, the other option was,
28:12or six if you work in the civil service.
28:14And based on my performance tonight...
28:15LAUGHTER
28:20LAUGHTER
28:21You know...
28:23No way I was slagging anyone else off.
28:27LAUGHTER
28:28The nurses and doctors in the audience
28:29will meet him outside after the show, alright?
28:31LAUGHTER
28:32That's it, ladies and gentlemen.
28:33That's the end of the show.
28:34Please show your appreciation to our panel.
28:36Colin Murphy,
28:37Andrew Ryan,
28:38Tony Doherty and Neil Delamere!
28:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:41I'm Tim McGarry.
28:51Until next week,
28:52don't blame yourselves,
28:53blame each other.
28:54Goodbye.
28:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:56APPLAUSE
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