- 1 week ago
Jimmy Kimmel Live - Season 24 Episode 41 -
Kristen Bell, Dax Shepard, Mark Kelly, De La Soul
Kristen Bell, Dax Shepard, Mark Kelly, De La Soul
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00:00Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, Senator Mark Kelly, and music from De La Soul with the Klee Tones.
00:08And now, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:13And now, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:43And I will say, this year, I am most thankful that we only have five weeks left in this year.
00:49What are you most thankful for this year, Guillermo?
00:51Oh, for my family, for having a job and working with you guys.
00:55Oh, how nice.
00:56For the best men in late night TV right here.
01:03Yeah.
01:04This is how Trump feels at every meeting.
01:07Are you guys having chicken instead of turkey again this year?
01:10Every year, Jimmy, yes.
01:11You know what?
01:11You're a man of principle.
01:13I admire that.
01:14The White House is ready for Thanksgiving.
01:16The presidential ketchup boat is filled to the brim and ready to go.
01:20This morning, on the freshly paved-over Rose Garden, our Commander-in-Chief presided over an important American tradition,
01:27the annual pardon of the turkeys, which, at this point, are the only thing Trump hasn't pardoned this year.
01:32These are the birds that were spared.
01:35Their names are Gobble and Waddle, which is what Trump does every night at dinner.
01:40Gobble and Waddle.
01:43Gobble and Waddle spent the night last night in a luxury suite at the Willard Hotel, which must be a real treat for the housekeeping staff at the Willard Hotel.
01:51And I wonder who's in that room tonight.
01:54Like, what the hell?
01:56What are these, Milk Duds?
01:58What happened in here?
01:59Waddle, then, after his five-star stay, woke up early enough to make an appearance in the White House press room.
02:06See, fascists have fun, too.
02:19It's fun.
02:20Waddle then gobbled for the gaggle and then made way for the President of the United States.
02:26The turkeys being pardoned today go by the names of Gobble and Waddle.
02:30Well, when I first saw their pictures, I thought we should send them, uh, well, I was gonna, I shouldn't say this.
02:37I was gonna call them Chuck and Nancy.
02:40But then I realized I wouldn't be pardoning them.
02:43I would never pardon those two people.
02:46I wouldn't pardon them.
02:47I wouldn't care what Melania told me.
02:50Darling, I think it would be a nice thing to do.
02:51I won't do it, darling.
02:53I like when he takes us inside his relationship.
02:57Darling, why do you throw up when I open my robe?
02:59What are you doing, darling?
03:01Now, most presidents at the turkey pardon keep it light.
03:04They make a few bad puns.
03:06They wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving.
03:08And they go back to work.
03:09But that's not Donald Trump.
03:11Donald Trump used the opportunity to brag about all the wars he's ending, how low his imaginary prices are now.
03:18And out of nowhere took shots at the mayor of Chicago and the governor of Illinois.
03:22The mayor, who's a low IQ person, the mayor is incompetent and the governor is a big fat slob.
03:34Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
03:35I mean, seriously, though.
03:39He says a lot of crazy stuff.
03:41In that same press conference, he said there have been no murders in Washington, D.C. in the last six months because of him.
03:47There have been 62 murders in Washington, which already indicates a vivid imagination.
03:51But does he really look at himself in the mirror and go, I am thin?
03:57I am so thin I can comment on others who aren't.
04:01So, Governor Pritzker, if you're listening, let's get your act together.
04:05Invite us in.
04:06I had a little bit of a Pritzker joke.
04:09I was going to talk about Pritzker in size.
04:12But when I talk about Pritzker, I get angry because he's not letting us do the job.
04:16So I'm not going to tell my Pritzker joke.
04:18They have a very cute little joke, you know.
04:20Some speechwriter wrote some joke about his weight.
04:24But I would never want to talk about his weight.
04:26I don't talk about people being fat.
04:29I refuse to talk about the fact that he's a fat slob.
04:32I don't mention it.
04:34I don't know if that's sarcasm or short-term memory loss.
04:38Either way, he really captures the spirit of Thanksgiving.
04:42And then the president pardoned the birds as only he can.
04:46It looks like a rather violent bird.
04:50Anyway, are you ready?
04:55Beautiful.
04:58You are hereby unconditionally pardoned.
05:04There you go.
05:05All right.
05:07In six months when you're indicted for crypto fraud, he'll say he never met them.
05:11Uncle Scam also treated the gathering crowd to a fairy tale about how low the price of food is now since he took office.
05:19Walmart announced that the cost of their standard Thanksgiving meal is 25% lower.
05:25The price of Thanksgiving turkey is down 33% from its Biden-era highs.
05:31Potatoes are down 13%.
05:33And gasoline will soon be hovering around $2 a gallon.
05:38Yeah.
05:39It's just like your weight is hovering around $175.
05:43I mean, the fact...
05:44I guess in a way, the fact that he thinks he's thin enough to make fun of fat people makes it easier to understand why he thinks we think gas costs $2 a gallon.
05:54Which it does not.
05:56In fact, if you're on the road and you see a sign that says gas $2 a gallon over the break, do me a favor and post that with the hashtag gasolini.
06:05Because, I mean, he says it's $2 a gallon.
06:09It must be true.
06:10They say this Thanksgiving could see the most travel in 15 years.
06:14AAA says there will be at least 73 million people on the road this year.
06:18Which is interesting because how could they possibly know that?
06:21How do they know how many of us are going to be on the road?
06:24Are they counting dads sighing at gas stations?
06:27What data points could the people who send you a tow truck every 18 months have to anticipate the number of family...
06:34Who's letting AAA know they're off to Nani's condo for the holiday?
06:39We spend a lot of time questioning vaccines.
06:41No one ever raises an eyebrow about this.
06:43Thanksgiving week is also the worst week of the year for plumbers.
06:47The day after Thanksgiving is known to shoppers as Black Friday.
06:52It's known to plumbers as Brown Friday.
06:54That is not a joke.
06:56That's for real.
06:57So many people get their toilets clogged.
07:00They gave it a name, Brown Friday.
07:02It actually goes back a long way to the first Thanksgiving.
07:06And you can see, if you look closely at this painting, you can see that little girl.
07:11She celebrated the first Brown Friday.
07:15She's needing to go to the bathroom so bad, she's waiting for someone to invent it.
07:19But I, for one, choose to embrace Brown Friday.
07:22Is it repulsive?
07:23Yes, it is.
07:24But it also reminds me of what we have in common.
07:27One nation, under God, living in a country with such a plentiful bounty,
07:31we can eat to the point where our toilets are so full, professionals need to be called in.
07:38Brown Friday doesn't care about what color you are, who you voted for, or what God you worship.
07:43Brown Friday unites all Americans.
07:46From the Italian family in Staten Island, who serve stuffed monocotten with their turkey,
07:51to the farmers in Iowa, who deep fry theirs.
07:54From the hills of Alaska, to the swamps of Florida.
07:58From the deserts of Arizona, to the lighthouses of Maine.
08:01Women and men are spending 45 minutes in the bathroom with their phones,
08:05clogging their plumbing like a snake choking on a capybara.
08:09And rotos will be rooted on Brown Friday.
08:14Amen.
08:19That's the good news.
08:24Bad news is really bad news.
08:26Last week, a group of Democratic congresspeople,
08:29all of whom served in either the military or the intelligence community,
08:33posted a video in which they reminded active service members
08:37that they are not required to obey illegal orders.
08:40That's all they said.
08:41And for that, Trump accused them of sedition and treason,
08:45and suggested they should be executed, which was so outrageous,
08:49even his buddy Brian Kilmeade did everything he could to get Trump to walk it back.
08:54In the old days, if you said a thing like that, that was punishable by death.
08:59Yeah, but you're not saying, you're not threatening them.
09:01A lot of people are interpreting there's a threat and there's security.
09:04I'm not threatening them, but I think they're in serious trouble.
09:06I would say they're in serious trouble.
09:08I'm not threatening death, but I think they're in serious trouble.
09:12In the old days, it was death.
09:14In the old, what old days are the, the Salem witch trials?
09:18What old days is, we did not put congresspeople to death in the old days.
09:22One of the Democrats Trump's going after is Senator Mark Kelly of Arizona.
09:27The Pentagon is threatening to investigate and even court-martial him for this video.
09:31Mark Kelly was captain in the Navy.
09:33He flew 39 combat missions over Iraq and Kuwait.
09:36He's a former astronaut, which, I mean, if Trump starts going after our astronauts, who's next?
09:42Lawrence Sanchez?
09:43Katy Perry?
09:44Where does it end?
09:46Mark Kelly is here with us tonight.
09:49We're going to discuss this.
09:51We're going to talk to the show later on.
09:53Now, while Trump is trying to get all of his critics thrown in jail, he's also hard at work on the issues that matter most to America.
10:02By special order from the White House, Paramount, the movie company that is very eager to please him, we learned today we'll make a third sequel to Rush Hour, starring Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan at the president's request.
10:14That's right.
10:14He asked for this.
10:15Trump's pal Larry Ellison, Bob Paramount, Gorge Lucas asked him, will you make Rush Hour 4 for me?
10:22He likes the Rush Hour movies because that was the last time he got Eric to be quiet for 90 minutes.
10:28And the film will also mark the return of director Brett Ratner, who hasn't made a movie in 10 years because of allegations from multiple women of sexual harassment and worse.
10:38Now, Brett Ratner met the Trumps when Melania hired him to do their, to direct her documentary.
10:43One thing about Melania, she has really good instincts about men.
10:46So, for anyone who says Trump wastes a lot of time on nothing, wrong, we're getting a Rush Hour 4.
10:53And next up, the Cosby show.
10:55That's right.
10:57Then we have another creepo, Caffesanova, our Secretary of Health and Human Services, Bobby Kennedy Jr.
11:02I mentioned last night, RFK reportedly authored erotic poetry for a now former reporter for New York magazine, Olivia Nuzzi, who's almost 40 years younger than he is.
11:13The poems were intercepted by Nuzzi's fiancée at the time, another journalist, Ryan Lizza.
11:19Ryan Lizza has been publishing some of the poems, but he says most of them are too graphic to share.
11:24I have one of them that I want to share with you.
11:26This is not one of the ones that are too graphic, but you decide.
11:30He wrote, I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth.
11:33I'll hold your nose as you look up at me to encourage you to swallow.
11:38Don't spill a drop.
11:40That's the guy in charge of whether our kids get vaccines.
11:44Obviously, this is disturbing, but we wanted to get the story straight from the horse dewormer's mouth.
11:49So, we got in touch, and please say hello to our new poet laureate, Robert Kennedy Jr., Jr.
11:55Mr. Secretary.
11:57Hello, Mr. Secretary.
12:00Do you mind?
12:01I'm in the middle of writing a poem.
12:04Well, you know what?
12:04That's actually what I wanted to talk about.
12:06May we hear what you've written so far?
12:09Why, do you like poems?
12:11I do like poems.
12:13I'm almost finished with this one.
12:16Hey, what rhymes with goo canon?
12:20With goo canon?
12:21Yes, goo canon.
12:23All I can think of is Steve Bannon, and that's not romantic.
12:27Well, you know, one might argue that neither is goo canon, but...
12:31Maybe you're right.
12:33I need some creative inspiration.
12:34Oh, what is that?
12:38What is that you're taking?
12:40Tylenol.
12:42I thought you told us not to take Tylenol.
12:44It's the only thing that gets me high.
12:47It's forbidden fruit.
12:49It tastes so good to be so bad.
12:52Oh, yeah.
12:52Here we go.
12:53Daddy's getting it working again.
12:55All right.
12:55All right.
12:55I'm ready.
12:56Ah, Daddy's cooking now.
12:58Let me just diddy up.
12:59Oh, no, no, no.
13:02Please don't diddy up.
13:03Don't diddy up.
13:04Hey, can we hear the poem before that?
13:07Yeah.
13:07Okay, listen.
13:09I haven't written this one down yet, but I've got it all stored up here in the old Wormatorium.
13:15Okay.
13:25All right.
13:26Whenever you're ready.
13:29Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
13:41Thou art hot and sticky, and you make my little nuts sweat.
13:48Something, something, goo cannon.
13:50You get the idea.
13:51It's beautiful.
13:52I'm sure your wife is going to love it.
13:53It's very beautiful.
13:54No, no, no.
13:54It's not for my wife.
13:55It's for this crazy chick I met on Facebook in an anti-vax mommy group.
14:00Well, whoever it's for is quite lovely, and I think she's going to...
14:03What a hottie she is.
14:05Very lovely.
14:06She taught me how to do a dirt whistle.
14:09What is a dirt whistle?
14:11What?
14:11You don't know what a dirt whistle is?
14:13F***ing nerd.
14:15Okay.
14:16Here's what it is.
14:17You bring her to a graveyard.
14:19Uh-huh.
14:19She lays down, bottoms up.
14:22Uh-huh.
14:23Then you put your legs up like this.
14:25Okay.
14:26All right.
14:27That's...
14:27I see.
14:28Okay.
14:29Hang on.
14:30My loins burn like a fire of a thousand suns.
14:37Is that a poem?
14:38No, it's not a poem.
14:39It's a rash.
14:40My loins are burning like the baby Jesus.
14:43I'm all chafed down there from doing sit-ups in my jeans.
14:45Yeah, yeah.
14:47Dr. Phil said it's the worst case of denim d*** he has ever seen.
14:52I'm so sorry to hear that, Mr. Secretary.
14:53It seems that your crotch seems to be smoking now, so you should probably get to the doctor.
14:59Yeah, doctors have...
15:01Doctors are liars and cowards.
15:04All I need is this.
15:09You see, the foam from this guy is very, very soothing.
15:16Nice.
15:21Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.
15:26Happy Thanksgiving to you.
15:30That is Robert Kennedy, Jr., Jr.
15:33We have a very good show tonight.
15:35Senator Mark Kelly is here.
15:37We have a good day off the phone.
15:38And we'll be back with Jack Shepard and Kristen Bell.
15:42Hi there, we'll be back tonight.
15:53The astronaut and senator from the state of Arizona, Mark Kelly, is with us.
15:57And then later, the legendary hip-hop group from Long Island, New York.
16:01They've been together since 1988.
16:03Their latest album is Cabin in the Sky.
16:05Music from De La Soul.
16:07Once upon a time, a princess and a podcaster fell in love and made a movie called Hit and Run.
16:16And now, a dozen and one years later, it has made its way to Netflix.
16:20You couldn't cure UTI if you owned a cranberry farm.
16:23Hey, I have never had an infected urinary tract.
16:26Oh, really?
16:27No, I have not.
16:28And you've never had HPV either?
16:30No.
16:30Oh, right.
16:31No human papillomavirus.
16:32Watch your mouth.
16:33What?
16:34Hey.
16:34Watch your mouth.
16:35I was vaccinated.
16:37I was vaccinated.
16:38Because unlike you, I was born after the polio vaccine.
16:41What are you talking about?
16:42I am five years older than you.
16:43Well, how do I know that?
16:44I've seen no documentation of that.
16:46For all I know, you're 45.
16:48Listen to me.
16:50Hang on.
16:5035 years old, okay?
16:52You're 45.
16:53You're great.
16:53Ow, ow, ow, buddy.
16:54Don't grab my hair.
16:55It's thin.
16:56I don't like when you pull my hair.
16:57Hit and Run is on Netflix now.
16:59Please welcome Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard.
17:22I like having you guys here together.
17:24You know, it's nice.
17:25It's been a while.
17:27Yeah.
17:28You're adorable together.
17:29You really are.
17:30You guys, now, I want to ask you a couple of questions because this is weird what's going
17:33on.
17:34You are promoting a film.
17:36New film.
17:37New film.
17:38New to Netflix.
17:39New to Netflix that you were here on this show promoting in what year?
17:4313 years ago.
17:442012.
17:452012.
17:46The year Gangnam Style ruled the charts.
17:49It's aged like a Bordeaux.
17:51And what was it?
17:53Is this just because you think it's funny to do this?
17:55To promote this movie?
17:56Yeah.
17:57I mean, it's not not funny.
17:59It's not not funny.
18:01It's cool to, Taylor told us it's cool to take back ownership of your old material.
18:06We're going to promote Punk'd and Veronica Mars next year.
18:12But no, our kids rarely show interest in us, as anyone with kids knows.
18:17But they did want to see this movie we made because we're very much in love.
18:22I mean, we're childless and we had nothing to do but love each other.
18:25We made this movie.
18:26Before the girls were born.
18:27Yeah.
18:27We said, oh, we spent all this time making this independent film and Daddy wrote it and
18:31directed it.
18:32And they were like, we want to see it.
18:33And we hadn't watched it in forever.
18:36Yes.
18:36We were like, okay, let's watch it with you.
18:38And they loved it.
18:41It's so inappropriate.
18:42It's not so inappropriate.
18:44It's very inappropriate.
18:45And it was a great litmus test for our children.
18:47We like them.
18:48They have a good sense of humor.
18:49Yeah.
18:49They'll go hard in the paint, our kids.
18:52What do they like best about it?
18:54Well, they liked seeing us in love and kind of young, which was really fun.
18:58Zach's kind of wrote it about like our love story, different details, but tells the story
19:03of how we started trusting each other.
19:04And they loved that.
19:06But they did not.
19:07The breakup.
19:07They were very upset.
19:09Oh, that's interesting.
19:10And what made me so happy is they were mad at mom, not me.
19:15They thought mom was a bitch.
19:18They thought Daddy was a good boy with a bad pass.
19:22And she should be able to overlook that.
19:24And I agree.
19:25Someone who lives near you reported to me that you have your Christmas lights up already.
19:29True?
19:30Yeah.
19:30That is true.
19:33Kristen handled our home here.
19:35Yeah.
19:35We like to get them up the day after Halloween.
19:39Yeah.
19:39It's time to roll right in.
19:40Always.
19:40Yeah.
19:41That's always your thing.
19:42Yeah.
19:43You put them up yourselves?
19:45I did.
19:46Uh-huh.
19:49And then my wife made too much money, and now I don't.
19:51I see.
19:51Yeah.
19:51Okay.
19:54But we have a house in Nashville.
19:57Right.
19:57And we're going to spend Christmas there and Thanksgiving.
20:00And so I wanted that to be a winter wonderland.
20:04Yeah.
20:05So I got a bid from a local person there in Nashville.
20:09And they wanted, this is not exaggerated for TV, they wanted $17,000 to decorate the house.
20:15Yeah, right?
20:17I'm not insane.
20:19That's not.
20:20That's bonkers, right?
20:21It's always, it's an, it is crazy how much it costs if you don't do it yourself.
20:26It's like you're being punished by Santa or something, right?
20:29Well, it's as if they're going to make a bronze bus of someone in your, in your front yard.
20:33Like, there should be skilled craftsmen out there for months.
20:37You can get the house painted for that much money.
20:39Yeah.
20:40If we relocated to some areas of the country, we could get a house for $17,000.
20:44Oh, you're right.
20:45So I got this bid, and I was like, this is nuts.
20:49My best friend, Aaron Weakley, sitting in Detroit, I'm sure he'd fly down there and do it for much less, which he agreed to do.
20:57Does he have any experience with Christmas lights?
20:59None, but he was a roofer for 25 years.
21:03Great.
21:03But that was decades ago.
21:05Oh.
21:05And so I invited him down.
21:08I said, for three grand, you want to go hang some lights?
21:10He's like, oh, this is a windfall.
21:12I'd love it.
21:13Wow.
21:14So we went down there, and I started then getting really nervous, because it's a very tall roof, and he has not been on a ladder in 15, 20 years.
21:23And he's your closest friend.
21:24And I love him more than anything.
21:25You're paying less than one-fifth of the job's value.
21:29I called him, like, the night before he left, and I was like, I'm really having second thoughts about this.
21:33Like, you can't fall off this roof.
21:35He's like, I'm going to have ropes.
21:36It's going to be fine.
21:37And I said, I don't want to be delivering your eulogy and say, like, some people say I saved your life sending you to treatment.
21:43I don't know.
21:44I definitely murdered you by having you put Christmas lights up at my house.
21:48Yeah, because I'm too cheap.
21:49Because I want to save some money.
21:51Yeah, right.
21:52Yes, but anyways, he did fall, and it did catch him right before he went over the lip.
21:57Like, Mission Impossible.
21:59Wow.
22:00And luckily, our contractor was there and photographed the whole thing.
22:04He did, yes.
22:05So we have great photos of Aaron hanging, and we'll think of it this Christmas as we're enjoying the lights.
22:10He went way over the top.
22:12The whole point of this is he went 100x what we thought he was going to do.
22:17Yes.
22:17And the house looks like it's on colorful fire.
22:21Great.
22:22Will you have him do it again next year?
22:24Of course.
22:25Sure.
22:25I don't even know that they're ever coming down, Kimmel.
22:27He was there for days just chucking them all over the property, and I don't know.
22:33It would take him two weeks to take them down.
22:35You know, it would make sense to leave them up.
22:37You're not there all the time.
22:38Anyway, just turn them off.
22:39You'll be fine.
22:40But they look beautiful.
22:41We're going to take a break.
22:42We'll be back.
22:43Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are here.
22:45Their film, their new 13-year-old film is called River Run.
22:49It's on Netflix now.
22:55We have a half-roar.
22:57This is the most beloved couple, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard.
23:02You guys, do you have Thanksgiving traditions?
23:04Do you have, like, a family thing that you do every year?
23:08We celebrate with our friends.
23:11It's the one holiday we've iced our families out of.
23:15But Friendsgiving, which is becoming more and more popular.
23:18Started in COVID.
23:19We're year six of hosting.
23:20Oh, the same group of people.
23:21Same group of people.
23:22Yeah.
23:23That's fun.
23:23And we do something cool called Secret Turkey, where we all get a name, and we have to make
23:27a gift for someone else.
23:29And it gets pretty intense.
23:30Oh, you have to make it?
23:31Yeah, like a song or a poem or a sculpture or...
23:35Oh, wow.
23:35You could argue it's ruined Thanksgiving, because you have this huge task.
23:39You've got to hand make a beautiful present for a member of the group.
23:43I have something fun for you guys right now.
23:45Oh.
23:45I know you both have a lot to be thankful for.
23:48But what we like to do is turn that into a competition.
23:51Oh, good.
23:52You found the right two people.
23:53It's the first-ever celebrity thank-off.
23:57Oh!
23:58All right.
24:00This is a rapid-fire-type situation.
24:03You'll have five seconds to say something you're thankful for.
24:08Once you answer, the clock restarts.
24:10It goes over to your opponent-slash-spouse.
24:14And whoever gets stumped loses.
24:16Whoever doesn't get stumped wins.
24:18We go back and forth until...
24:20And this has never been played before?
24:22Never been played.
24:23Okay, so high probability of failure.
24:27Probably never will be played again.
24:30Like, there's a strong chance this will never happen again.
24:33So it's one and only...
24:35Meet and say goodbye to celebrity Thanksgiving.
24:38So you understand how it works.
24:40You say it to each other?
24:41No, you just say it aloud.
24:43He's the judge.
24:43You say something, and Dax says something, and back and forth.
24:47And if five seconds goes by and you can't think of anything, you lose.
24:51Who wants to go first?
24:53It's up to the lady.
24:54I'll go first.
24:55You will go first.
24:56Lady will go first.
24:57Put five seconds on the clock.
24:59Something you are thankful for, begin.
25:01Air conditioning.
25:02Um, uh, my height.
25:06Protein shakes.
25:07Uh, the cuffs on my wife's shirt.
25:10It's a stretch.
25:11Dogs.
25:12Um, my shoulder width.
25:16Bathtubs.
25:18My children's health.
25:20Soft fabrics.
25:23Horsepower.
25:24Cottage cheese.
25:25Angels.
25:26Lip balm.
25:27America.
25:29Comfortable shoes.
25:31Styrofoam.
25:32Hugs for my kids.
25:33Coolers.
25:34Mugs.
25:37Are we just naming things?
25:38You are.
25:39Yeah.
25:39Desks.
25:42Camel.
25:43Jimmy.
25:46Molly.
25:46The audience.
25:53Independent films you just can make with your husband.
25:55No, she got it in.
25:56That was not a buzzer situation.
25:58It goes to Dex.
25:59Oh, what was yours now?
26:00Independent films you make with her husband.
26:01Oh, okay.
26:02Um, uh, Netflix is a streaming service that brings back your movies from 13 years ago.
26:08Um, children's books.
26:11Uh, uh, coffee.
26:13Temporated mattresses.
26:15Nicotine.
26:16Ooh, me too, nicotine.
26:19Can't repeat one.
26:20No, you can't repeat.
26:21That was not a rule.
26:22Oh.
26:22That was not a rule.
26:23I know it wasn't a rule.
26:25I failed you as host, but still.
26:27It had to end somewhere, and it might as well have ended like that.
26:32But, surprisingly, you wouldn't have wanted the prize anyway.
26:36We got you a thank top, Dax.
26:39And we do have a gift for you as well, Chris.
26:41For your home, you can hang.
26:42You can have Dax's buddy hang this for you.
26:45Um, gratitude is the best attitude.
26:48Love him.
26:50Represent that very well.
26:52We'll have him hang that at the very peak of the roof.
26:55The movie is called Hit and Run.
26:58Go see it.
26:59Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell.
27:00It's on Netflix right now.
27:02I'll be back with Senator Mark Kelly.
27:13Hi there.
27:14Thanks for meeting.
27:15I wanted to get my finances in order, and I hear you're one of the best.
27:19I am the best.
27:21You can sit down now.
27:22What are your financial goals?
27:24What?
27:25What are your financial goals?
27:27My financial goals are to have more money.
27:31Then I have the perfect investment.
27:35Look.
27:36What is it?
27:37It is a petting suit with fish.
27:40You pet the fish?
27:42Yes.
27:43You mean like an aquarium?
27:45No.
27:45Not like an aquarium.
27:47A petting suit with fish.
27:50This guy is not too smart.
27:53You know what?
27:54I'm going to see what NerdWallet says.
27:57What is a NerdWallet?
27:59NerdWallet helps people make smart financial decisions with confidence.
28:03Everything from credit cards to loans to investing.
28:06Oh, no.
28:07I'm ruined.
28:07Oh, maybe not.
28:09NerdWallet is launching a sweepstakes you could be part of.
28:12From December 1st through December 25th, they're giving away $100,000 every day.
28:18Wow.
28:19Wow.
28:21Wow.
28:26Wow.
28:27Balloons.
28:29We could have tried that 10,000 times.
28:32It would never happen like that.
28:33You see, Guillermo?
28:37I like it.
28:38I'm getting NerdWallet, too.
28:40You want to pet the fish?
28:41No.
28:43Sign up at NerdWallet.com to make smart money moves and to enter for your chance to win $100,000.
28:54From De La Sol is on the way.
28:56Our next guest served his country as a decorated naval captain.
29:00He fought in Desert Storm and, like myself, is a former space shuttle pilot.
29:04He is also a member of Congress from Arizona, who our president would like to arrest.
29:09Please welcome Senator Mark Kelly.
29:26Please, thank you for coming.
29:27I'm appreciative that you're here.
29:29I know you have a lot going on, starting with what happened five days ago.
29:33The president of the United States goes on social media and accuses you of sedition, treason,
29:42and suggests in a not-so-roundabout way that you should be executed for those crimes.
29:49How do you find out about that?
29:51Yeah, it was interesting.
29:52I was in the SCIF, which is a secure facility, reviewing some stuff.
29:58That's where all the top-secret stuff is.
30:00I'm on the armed services and the intelligence committees, and I'm sitting next to Alyssa Slocken,
30:06who's my colleague, also caught up in all of this.
30:10And you can't take your phones in there, so no devices.
30:14So somebody comes in, in the middle of our brief, slips her a piece of paper,
30:19and I take a look at the piece of paper, and it says the president is calling for your execution to her, to Alyssa.
30:25So she looks at me, she gets up, she walks out.
30:30About five minutes later, she comes back in, looks at me, and says,
30:34well, he's calling for your execution, too.
30:37So I wasn't off the hook.
30:38You were not off the hook.
30:40So that's how you find out about it.
30:43What was your reaction when you saw that?
30:46Well, it's kind of shocking, you know, that the president, you know, we said something,
30:51which is basically follow the law.
30:53Yes.
30:53And the president of the United States says, kill them, hang them, execute them, try them for sedition.
31:00I served 25 years in the United States Navy.
31:03You know, I guess.
31:05As I mentioned, you fought for this country.
31:10You, I mean, you've done more than...
31:12I've almost gotten killed for this country multiple times,
31:13almost shot down over Iraq and Kuwait out of missile blow up next to my airplane.
31:18I got on a rocket ship four times, millions of pounds of rocket fuel for this nation.
31:23And then I wake up one day and I got the president of the United States threatening me with my life,
31:29that I'm going to be hanged.
31:31I'll tell you this, though, Jimmy.
31:32And we've also had political violence that has affected my family.
31:36Most certainly.
31:37In a major way, your wife, Gabby Giffords, who is a great person and was a congresswoman from Arizona.
31:43You know, most people know, and that's why it's particularly galling to hear him say something like this about you,
31:52was the victim of an assassination attempt.
31:55She was shot and five other people.
31:58No, six people killed.
31:5912 other shots.
32:01She's shot in the head.
32:02She was in the hospital for six months.
32:04That's political violence.
32:06The president, when he says these things, there are consequences.
32:09And by the way, I mean, isn't this the guy two months ago that said,
32:12we've got to stop this, like, political violence issue?
32:17He didn't even make it to Thanksgiving.
32:18It's almost like he doesn't mean anything he says.
32:22It's almost as if he's a hypocrite in some ways.
32:27I mean, you can't keep track of this guy and what he says.
32:30And I'll tell you this, though.
32:32I'm not backing down.
32:33I mean, we said something very simple.
32:40Members of the military need to follow the law.
32:43We wanted to say that we have their backs.
32:46His response, kill them.
32:47And then you have Pete Hegseth, who runs the Department of War.
32:52He's going to open an investigation into you, I assume, into your colleagues.
32:57You will have to be interviewed by the FBI.
33:01And they're trying to find what exactly?
33:03I mean, what even is sedition?
33:06Well, this is the investigation because of what Donald Trump said, from what I can tell.
33:11And I don't know Pete Hegseth well.
33:12I sit on the committee that ultimately had to confirm him.
33:15So I know a little bit about his background.
33:17He's totally unqualified.
33:19Well, come on.
33:19He was a weekend host at Fox and Friends.
33:24Nothing against journalists.
33:29They play a very important role in our society.
33:33But he's not qualified for this job.
33:35And from what I can tell, in talking to some of my Republican colleagues, I mean, he just wants to please the president.
33:40Obviously.
33:41And this is what he can do this week.
33:43He can go after me under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which is the law in the military, which is kind of wild because we recited something in the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
33:55And he's going to prosecute me under the Uniform Code of Military Justice for reciting the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
34:04It is so ridiculous.
34:09It's almost like you can't make this up.
34:10Do you ever miss the cold vacuum of space?
34:14Well, we try to stay out of the vacuum.
34:21We try to stay inside where it's nice and warm.
34:25I do miss that job.
34:26Do you have to now consult with lawyers and have to deal with this when you're, first of all, working for the people of Arizona, the people of the United States?
34:36Now you have to spend your time.
34:38Are you actually, like, worried about this?
34:40I mean, it does.
34:41I've been through a lot more challenging things than this.
34:46You know, and I am what I'm worried about is the is is the reaction and what this transmits to the military and the public, which is basically shut up and listen to that guy.
34:58And that's not the way our system works.
35:00We have loyalty.
35:01My oath and every oath, every member of the military took is loyalty to the Constitution, not to a person.
35:12And he's trying to he's trying to get some fear out there.
35:17And fear can be contagious.
35:20But what also can be contagious is courage and patriotism.
35:24And that's the reason why because the overall effect is that people are now a little more careful before they speak out.
35:36People are worried about speaking out.
35:38People don't want to say things that they need to be saying.
35:41And that's flat out un-American, isn't it?
35:44It's how democracies die.
35:46It is.
35:46It is right out of the playbook.
35:48You know, the playbook of authoritarianism.
35:51That's what they do.
35:52They try to suppress speech.
35:55All every one of us has First Amendment speech rights.
35:58And I think the president is infringing on those.
36:02And he's he is sending he is sending a pretty strong message.
36:05You do not want to cross him and your loyalty should be to him.
36:08It should not.
36:09It should always be to the Constitution.
36:16Are you getting any support from your Republican colleagues?
36:19Yes.
36:20Rand Paul said, I think it would be a really bad idea to hang U.S. senators.
36:27That seems reasonable.
36:29I respect that opinion.
36:31But since then, you know, some more.
36:34People are starting to take a look at this and saying, wow, this is just nuts that he's going after U.S. senators and members of the House for something they said.
36:44He didn't like what came out of our mouths.
36:48And because of that, he thinks we should be killed.
36:50Bananas.
36:52It makes me feel better about him just wanting me to be fired, to be honest.
36:58I'll tell you what, Jimmy.
37:01Maybe it means he likes me.
37:03I don't know.
37:03And it's not only you being fired.
37:06Right.
37:06I know he said this again on the same day he said we should be executed.
37:10He was talking about you getting fired again.
37:12Yeah, he would like that.
37:13It's on his Christmas list.
37:14This seems to be a habit he's developed.
37:18Yeah.
37:18But he's also gone after law firms, universities, you know, other media companies, suing people over and over again to suppress their opinion, to make sure that everybody knows that your loyalty should be to him.
37:35But that is not how our democracy works.
37:38And we cannot go down that slippery slope.
37:41Thank you for pushing back and for having these conversations.
37:44We appreciate it.
37:45And for sticking with us.
37:46You don't have to do this kind of thing.
37:48And we do appreciate it.
37:50Senator Mark Kelly, everybody.
37:51For Arizona, we'll be back with De La Soul.
38:01Thanks to Kristen Bell, Dax Shepard, and Senator Mark Kelly.
38:05Apologies to Matt Damon.
38:06My line is next, but first, their new album is Cabin in the Sky.
38:11Here with the songs, run it back in the package.
38:13De La Soul.
38:14Everybody, you got to say run it back from the couch.
38:41Come on.
38:42One, two, three.
38:44Run it back.
38:45One, two, three.
38:46Run it back.
38:47It's the birth of a team here to clean up the turf.
38:50And the worth of the dream is to change the regime.
38:53And the plea that we make be the words that we pray.
38:55On the way of the future.
38:56We try to act through the pawns with the dice and the swords that we slice.
39:01On the plate, earn the weight and the height.
39:03You don't need for the fight.
39:04With a man, never mind.
39:05When we're on the device of the fight, never death.
39:09Put my rap on the line and my map on the sign.
39:11That we make you the dick that we stack.
39:13From my grind, I'm a ward of a card and a wall with the vine.
39:17On the teeth of a true holiday.
39:19Man, it's the thing that we hang by the neck like a chain.
39:22It's a piece of the pain that deletes the lane.
39:25The flow double down.
39:26Down be the rock, hold game on the train.
39:29On the train.
39:30Overdue with the new.
39:31And you don't have a clue how it's made.
39:34Before the finish, I remember the truth.
39:35How it's made to be the booms of the bat.
39:37Turn the pain of the fly.
39:39Put my own on the map.
39:41We're the sons of the street.
39:42We stand on our toes.
39:44We expose.
39:45Going to the creep.
39:46Ears in the streets.
39:48Minds in the stars.
39:49You know who we are.
39:50Don't spread.
39:51Put it back.
39:52I hope you're feeling good, everybody.
39:55Because we feel great.
39:57We got a new album out.
39:59And we're here to celebrate.
40:01We're here to celebrate, y'all.
40:03Right here on Jimmy Kimmel, y'all.
40:05Check it out.
40:06All that's finest back at it.
40:10Premium soul on the rock's the package.
40:13Have a viable, a conscious survival.
40:16The content is beyond bliss and idols.
40:18Even scar tissue, no mutton tears.
40:20Hiding amongst the blood and sweat.
40:22Don't forget the game to the face shut.
40:24Some want to take it back.
40:26It's when the B-boy's bending and see no chase up.
40:29Nah, we stand right here.
40:31Talk less, listen more.
40:32That's the saying right here.
40:33Those who want to try, play it right here.
40:36Step to a foot, I can lie.
40:37Gotta take it right here.
40:39Save it right there.
40:40Yeah.
40:40Recognize the savior.
40:41The king's in the string.
40:42The whack, the celibate.
40:44The symphys clean.
40:45Doing the job.
40:46It's just your nature.
40:47Understand birthright over labor.
40:49Still working like two thumbs up.
40:52Be mouse humble if you two thumbs up.
40:54Because I've seen sun go grimace in a smile.
40:57And I ain't heard a lyric go dive in a while.
40:59We jump right in a deep end like we don't pretend.
41:03Serve heavenly high like God.
41:05But then we pinch, we pinch about.
41:07Career's now carbonated so we won't fiddle out.
41:10No doubt.
41:13And we out.
41:14Hey.
41:15No doubt.
41:18And we out.
41:21No doubt.
41:23And we out.
41:26No doubt.
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