- 2 days ago
Saturday Night Live - Season 51 Episode 7 -
Melissa McCarthy / Dijon
Melissa McCarthy / Dijon
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00We're for sale, too.
00:00:01We now go to the Pentagon for a press conference with the Secretary of Defense.
00:00:08Ladies and gentlemen of the press, as you know, there have been concerns about ongoing
00:00:13military action off the coast of Venezuela.
00:00:16Here to answer all your questions in a calm, non-aggressive fashion is Secretary of War,
00:00:22Pete Hickson!
00:00:30Yeah!
00:00:37All right, shut the hell up, shut it!
00:00:39Cut the music.
00:00:41What?
00:00:43First things first, where are the fatties?
00:00:47You, out!
00:00:50What?
00:00:51I'm not even fat.
00:00:52Oh, really?
00:00:53You think you're hiding it under that blazer, Porky?
00:00:56Who do you write for, the Chicago trombone?
00:00:59Except as they play when your fat ass walks around.
00:01:03Now listen up, as you probably read in some gay newspaper.
00:01:08We're now at war with Venezuela.
00:01:10All you nerds are like, wait, but was there an official declaration of war?
00:01:14Yeah, it's right here.
00:01:17Superfinger, Dean Cook.
00:01:21Now you got questions for me?
00:01:22Fine.
00:01:23Pretend I'm a random fishing boat and fire away.
00:01:26Okay, uh, is there any truth to the allegations that after an initial strike on a drug smuggling
00:01:35boat, you ordered a second strike to kill the survivors?
00:01:39Uh, first of all, that kind of cruel, heartless act has no place in Operation Kill Everybody.
00:01:45Second, I wasn't even in the room when it happened, okay?
00:01:50I was so jacked up after the first strike, I had to make an emergency call to my sponsor.
00:01:54Sorry, a guy I met at an anonymous meeting.
00:01:58So I don't drink something that I like and I want, but I can't have, but I want it and I need it and I want it right now.
00:02:04Ba-ba-ba-ba-da!
00:02:05It's booze.
00:02:05Next question.
00:02:10Yes, what do you say to Senator Mark Kelly, who said you act like a 12-year-old playing
00:02:15Army?
00:02:17First of all, Kelly?
00:02:18That's a girl's name.
00:02:19What's his first name?
00:02:21Dress?
00:02:23No, it's Mark.
00:02:25Like I said.
00:02:26Oh, get a husband.
00:02:29I'm trying.
00:02:30Well, to answer your question, if I was just playing Army, would there be 80 dead fishermen,
00:02:37narco-terrorists in Venezuela right now?
00:02:40Next question.
00:02:42Yeah, so is 80 the official death toll?
00:02:44Well, is 80 the official?
00:02:46No, it's 6-7, 6-7.
00:02:51Idiot.
00:02:52Let's just say if I had a drink for every Venezuelan we've killed, I'd really like that number of
00:02:57drinks.
00:02:57All right, next.
00:03:00Oh, my God.
00:03:00Is that Matt Gaetz?
00:03:04That's right!
00:03:05It's me, Matt Gaetz.
00:03:07I'm a reporter now.
00:03:08Eh?
00:03:09Question.
00:03:10You're only killing people who are trafficking drugs, right?
00:03:14So, hypothetically, if someone were trafficking something else, they'd be okay?
00:03:21We're targeting drug smugglers exclusively.
00:03:25Giggity.
00:03:25No further questions, Your Honor.
00:03:27Uh, I have a question.
00:03:30Oh, Jesus.
00:03:31Yeah, Will and Grace, go.
00:03:34My name is actually William Grace.
00:03:37Uh, how do you respond to the allegations that the so-called war on smugglers is a smokescreen
00:03:42for regime change?
00:03:43Oh, well, a way to solve a mystery, Scoob!
00:03:47Of course that's what we're doing, and it always works, just like it did in Guatemala, Nicaragua,
00:03:54Cuba, Brazil, Bolivia, Panama, Haiti, El Salvador, Chile, Honduras, Peru, Animaniacs.
00:04:00Now are we done here?
00:04:04I'm actually worried I'm going to catch dork from you nerds.
00:04:07Uh, Secretary Hegseth, some people are accusing you of war crimes.
00:04:10Even the president has been distancing himself from you.
00:04:13Oh, wow, that's interesting.
00:04:14I actually have a question for you.
00:04:15Have you ever kissed a girl?
00:04:16Like, I'm genuinely asking.
00:04:20I have a wife.
00:04:22Oh, okay, well, send her my way when she wants to actually feel something.
00:04:30Anyway, to answer your question, President Trump has my back 100%.
00:04:34You want to know why?
00:04:35Because unlike you beta cucks, he's a high-energy alpha who trusts me and listens to me no matter what.
00:04:42Isn't that right, Mr. President?
00:04:46Stop, Mom, Donnie.
00:04:57You can freeze my red anytime.
00:05:03I wasn't sleeping.
00:05:04I'm very much awake.
00:05:06Now someone quickly tell me where am I, who am I, and what year might it be?
00:05:13Good one, Mr. President.
00:05:15And everything you do that's weird is a joke.
00:05:21I was just telling everyone here that I have your full support.
00:05:24Absolutely.
00:05:25We love Pete.
00:05:26He's a great guy.
00:05:28It was just fog of war, right?
00:05:30Fog of war.
00:05:31It's a thing you only say after doing war crime.
00:05:35Right?
00:05:36You never hear a general go, everything went according to plan in fog of war.
00:05:40It's like when you go into the sauna at Equinox and suddenly you're doing stuff you never did before.
00:05:47Fog of war.
00:05:49Fog of war.
00:05:49We love it.
00:05:50It's a great new excuse.
00:05:51We love it.
00:05:52So I stand by Pete.
00:05:53And nothing can change my mind.
00:05:55Unless, of course, it could hurt me in any way.
00:05:57In which case, I'll throw him under one of Mom Donnie's free buses.
00:06:01Final question.
00:06:04Yes, Mr. President.
00:06:05More Americans, including your own voters, now blame you for the affordability crisis.
00:06:10What's your message to them?
00:06:16Shh.
00:06:17He's sleeping.
00:06:18We've got to get him to another MRI before he wakes up.
00:06:22And live from New York, it's Saturday night!
00:06:25It's Saturday Night Live with Michael Chain.
00:06:43Mikey Day.
00:06:51Andrew Dismukes.
00:06:52Flowie Fineman.
00:07:11Marcelo Fernandez.
00:07:17James Austin Johnson.
00:07:19James Austin Johnson.
00:07:22Colin Jost.
00:07:27Colin Jost.
00:07:32Sarah Sherman.
00:07:37Kenan Thompson.
00:07:43Bowen Yang.
00:07:45Featuring Tommy Brennan.
00:07:52Jeremy Cohen.
00:07:56Ben Marshall.
00:07:59Ashley Padilla.
00:08:04Cam Patterson.
00:08:06Veronica Slowikoska.
00:08:17Jane Wickline.
00:08:19Musical guest, Dijon.
00:08:21And your host, Melissa.
00:08:27And your host, Melissa McCarthy.
00:08:28Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.
00:08:40Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.
00:08:41Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.
00:08:43Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.
00:08:50Thank you very much.
00:08:52It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the sixth time.
00:08:59And also during the holidays.
00:09:00I mean, come on.
00:09:01Pinch me.
00:09:02There's nothing better than Christmas in New York.
00:09:03It's a special time of year.
00:09:04It's a special time of year.
00:09:05It's about family and friends and classic Christmas music.
00:09:06Come on.
00:09:07Set the mood, gang.
00:09:09Oh, that's nice.
00:09:10Speaking of music.
00:09:13Thank you very much.
00:09:14It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the sixth time.
00:09:19And also during the holidays.
00:09:22I mean, come on.
00:09:23Pinch me.
00:09:24There's nothing better than Christmas in New York.
00:09:26It's a special time of year.
00:09:28It's about family and friends and classic Christmas music.
00:09:32Come on.
00:09:33Set the mood, gang.
00:09:34Oh, that's nice.
00:09:37Speaking of music, there's something most people don't know about me.
00:09:41And it's that I am a musician.
00:09:44And my instrument is the mouth horn.
00:09:49That's right.
00:09:50It's the mouth horn.
00:09:52And I'm a bit nervous, but maybe if we bring down the lights, I can give you a little taste of Christmas.
00:10:02Oh, my gosh.
00:10:19Oh, my gosh, you're amazing, too.
00:10:30She's just saying nice things to me.
00:10:33Oh, I love this time of year, though.
00:10:35The tree is lit, and Santa's checking his list.
00:10:39He's got naughty and nice and Epstein.
00:10:44We could all use a little Christmas magic.
00:10:46So how about we put a little bit of snow to get us in the holiday mood?
00:10:51Ah, come on, crow, this is up for now.
00:10:54Don't be stingy with the snow.
00:10:57Right?
00:10:58Here he is.
00:11:04Okay, that is way too much.
00:11:06That is too much, but I'll take it.
00:11:10You know, the holidays are always sentimental for me.
00:11:13For some classic pairings, some cookies and milk, ham and glaze, and everybody's favorite, mouth horn and a piano duet.
00:11:23I should have asked Santa for a piano, but wait a minute.
00:11:28Looks like I just got my wish.
00:11:30You know, when I was a little girl, my favorite song was...
00:11:33Okay, you can stop.
00:11:34You stop, you stop, you stop.
00:11:36Stop, stop.
00:11:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:11:40Yes.
00:11:41No, no, no.
00:11:43What did you just stop?
00:11:44I need to hit my mark.
00:11:45You are way over your mark.
00:11:46Oh, I'm sorry.
00:11:47Yep, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back.
00:11:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:11:49Come on, come on.
00:11:51Just no mark.
00:11:52Okay, all right, well, I'm just going to set it in place, so watch your fingers, okay?
00:11:55Okay.
00:11:56Watch them because I want to put it, okay?
00:12:01Sorry, bye.
00:12:03well that's it now i've ruined christmas oh nonsense melissa mccarthy come on you haven't
00:12:13ruined christmas at all are you santa keenan well just keenan is fine you haven't ruined anything
00:12:22everyone here loves you i don't know now why don't we do one of your favorite christmas songs
00:12:27you want me to sing no no i want you to blow that sweet sweet horn
00:12:33i'd love to
00:12:37christmas
00:12:40christmas
00:12:44christmas
00:12:48christmas
00:12:51christmas
00:12:58christmas
00:13:02christmas
00:13:04christmas
00:13:08christmas
00:13:14oh hi folks can i interest you in a free sample oh don't mind if i do babe shall we yes indeed
00:13:38now what is this uh we just got it in it's called rocky lake raclette it's a goat cheese from maine
00:13:44really good thank you yeah we'll definitely think about it i'll be here
00:13:49oh hello ma'am uh can i interest you in a sample
00:13:56are you speaking to me
00:14:00i am i've got a beautiful semi-soft goat cheese if you'd like to try it's free free for me okay well
00:14:09i don't know i i don't i don't know what to say nobody's ever done anything like this for me
00:14:15well it's my job here give it a try
00:14:22thank you i just i feel bad i i didn't i don't have anything for you
00:14:30you don't have to give me anything just enjoy the sample and have a great day
00:14:36you know what i i will because of you
00:14:45okay great awesome awesome nice seeing you nice better seeing you always
00:14:54free sample uh yes sir uh this is a washed rind goat cheese all the way from maine
00:14:59nice you said washed rind yeah probably better than a dirty rind right
00:15:03sorry i had to i had to come back because i i i just i can't not repay your kindness so i wanted
00:15:17i have to give you something here i want you to take this ring this is my mother's
00:15:23i mean not my not my biological mother you know because i was abandoned in infancy but
00:15:30this belonged this belonged to um the woman that was my foster mother who was you know my mom to me
00:15:37i just really couldn't no look yes you can no it's yes you can my fingers saying yes you can
00:15:44and she you know anyway she was always like yeah i'm not your mother i'm not barely your foster
00:15:49mother stop telling people that i'm your mother and i'd say i'm not telling anyone that you're my
00:15:53mother because you don't let me go to school so i don't have anyone to talk to
00:16:01moms right yeah right what are you gonna do with mom yeah free samples you can try it it's a delicious
00:16:08goat cheese wow sorry about sorry about that but uh i'm just wondering if if i may express my
00:16:21thanks to you physically may i may i give you a hug sure you know but then you gotta go okay okay yeah
00:16:31just anticipating oh that's nice yeah it's so nice
00:16:49wow that was the best hug i've ever had i mean like and not just because it's my first hug which it was
00:16:56was just it was really good hi ma'am uh do you have a dog tied up in the front of the store
00:17:04uh you gotta be more specific than that okay do you have six dogs tied up outside let's see four
00:17:12five six uh yeah those are mine probably okay well they're barking at people of color and one bit the
00:17:20salvation army bell ringer so could you please go attend to them well you know what um why don't
00:17:27you just right why don't you just untie them and then let them run off right because we they've become
00:17:34a drain to us and our finances and just a burden to us so don't know her i don't know her yeah you
00:17:41want me to untie your dogs and let them run away i don't know you you yes but what did you say i said
00:17:49i don't know he said but take their collars off so they can't be brought back to us i'm not going
00:17:56to do that so please attend to your dogs okay okay all right well yes duty calls but before i go i i just
00:18:07really wanted to repay your kindness
00:18:23wait
00:18:37okay
00:18:48okay
00:18:50okay
00:18:58okay
00:19:00okay
00:19:02okay
00:19:04Oh, thank you.
00:19:12Yo, what's up, little man?
00:19:15You did the snowman?
00:19:16Yeah.
00:19:16That's cool, bro.
00:19:18Psych boy!
00:19:20Yo, Nathan, wait up, dude.
00:19:23My confidence is cold.
00:19:26You can't read me like a sister
00:19:33Before I've been half a word
00:19:38With you, I'm sure I'll never be a...
00:19:44Oh, my!
00:19:46Yo, what the hell, man?
00:19:49Somebody help me!
00:19:51Oh, my God.
00:19:52Oh, my!
00:19:54Oh, my!
00:19:55Oh, my!
00:19:56A little something for your next snowball fight.
00:20:26Hey, buddy, what you got there?
00:20:28Ooh, is that a nerf?
00:20:30Wow, this is heavy.
00:20:32Jesus!
00:20:33This is a real gun!
00:20:34Who gave this to you?
00:20:38I don't know.
00:20:39It was just here.
00:20:40Go inside, Teddy, please.
00:20:42Cool.
00:20:43I love you.
00:20:44I love you.
00:20:44Hi, Lily.
00:20:45Can I help you?
00:20:46Can I help you?
00:20:46We here for Teddy?
00:20:47Yeah, we were told to make him feel special.
00:21:00I think there's been some sort of mistake.
00:21:03Teddy is my 12-year-old son.
00:21:05What?
00:21:06What?
00:21:06Oh.
00:21:06Oh.
00:21:07Oh.
00:21:07Sorry about that.
00:21:09Have a good one.
00:21:11But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but.
00:21:13Why are we closing the door on these beautiful ladies when, uh, we still got some business
00:21:17to conduct, Jack?
00:21:18Uh, of course.
00:21:20I, I don't know how much cash I have on you.
00:21:23Oh, don't worry about that.
00:21:23Yeah, we can hit the ATM up.
00:21:25Matter of fact, I'm gonna drive.
00:21:27How about that?
00:21:28Now, why don't you make yourself comfortable?
00:21:29Hi.
00:21:30Do you have a bathroom?
00:21:31Is that you, Mama?
00:21:32You're the perfect kind of constant.
00:21:37I'm barely a voice on the other side.
00:21:42When I was late, you'll find me every time.
00:21:50Officer, hi.
00:21:51Sorry to disturb you.
00:21:52Uh, do you remember last time you saw your neighbor from across the street?
00:21:55No, we didn't really know her.
00:21:56Why?
00:21:57What happened?
00:21:58Did, did she pass away?
00:21:59No.
00:22:00Her mother did, though.
00:22:01Six years ago.
00:22:02And we just found her body decomposed into the couch.
00:22:06Jesus.
00:22:07We still think this sicko is in the area, so if you see her, give us a call immediately.
00:22:12Oh, and nice snowman, by the way.
00:22:20Officer, I saw her.
00:22:23Really?
00:22:24She went that way.
00:22:25You know, some angry love are weak, but you can either be or alone.
00:22:26Over there.
00:22:27These are the malls.
00:22:28These are the malls.
00:22:29These are the malls.
00:22:30These are the malls.
00:22:31These are the malls.
00:22:32These are local Gör mad boy.
00:22:36The phase two Strかg пишet, Kelly ouruman, by the way and grace.
00:22:37Next week, Josh O'Connor with musical guest Lily Allen.
00:23:07Hi, I'm, uh, Donna Fonda. I was told to come and find you guys, you folks.
00:23:15Yes. Have a seat, Donna. Right here.
00:23:19It's a lot nicer than the inside of my truck.
00:23:24Yes, it's a little different. Donna, I'm Carol Shaw.
00:23:27Hi, Carol.
00:23:28Hello. This is Ed Burke.
00:23:29Yeah.
00:23:30Okay.
00:23:31Oh, okay. Handshake.
00:23:32Oh, great.
00:23:33All right. We're here from UPS Personnel Management.
00:23:37We called you in because we received some complaints from a customer on your route.
00:23:42No, that's impossible. Y'all take care.
00:23:44No, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, don't get up.
00:23:47No, we're not done. We'll tell you when we're done.
00:23:50Yeah.
00:23:50Have a seat.
00:23:52The customer provided video evidence from their doorbell camera that we would like to share with you, okay?
00:23:59So just look right here, Donna.
00:24:02Let me hear you.
00:24:07Get the rich people in your pavers.
00:24:16Get your porch!
00:24:21All right.
00:24:22You care to explain that, Donna?
00:24:24You know, I'll be honest.
00:24:28I was about to use my old standby trick and pretend to faint, but I'm going to own my mistake.
00:24:35I messed up, and I'm sorry.
00:24:37It won't happen again, and y'all take care.
00:24:40No.
00:24:40Wait.
00:24:40Donna.
00:24:41Donna.
00:24:41Donna.
00:24:42Donna.
00:24:42Donna.
00:24:42Come back.
00:24:44Come back.
00:24:44Because it did happen again.
00:24:47No, that's impossible.
00:24:48Uh, it's very possible.
00:24:50A few days later, at the same home, after placing a package on their doorstep, you did this.
00:24:59People's elbows!
00:25:08Oh, it's cashmere, huh?
00:25:10How's that?
00:25:13How's that?
00:25:13How's that?
00:25:25No.
00:25:25Donna.
00:25:26Donna.
00:25:27We know.
00:25:28Donna.
00:25:29Stop pretending to faint.
00:25:30Donna, you're pushing yourself out the door.
00:25:32What are you doing, Donna?
00:25:34If you fainted, how can you do that, Donna?
00:25:36Come back.
00:25:38Come back.
00:25:39Donna.
00:25:40Donna.
00:25:41Donna, come on.
00:25:42Donna!
00:25:43Don't go out the door, Donna.
00:25:46Come back.
00:25:48Come on.
00:25:49I did faint.
00:25:50I just unfainted.
00:25:51You didn't faint.
00:25:52Oh, no.
00:25:53You didn't faint.
00:25:54Donna, this is serious.
00:25:56You broke the law.
00:25:57Oh, broke the law?
00:25:58Come on, Ed.
00:26:00Come on.
00:26:00She's, she doesn't go outside.
00:26:02She's not very good at this.
00:26:04I'm not going outside, Donna.
00:26:06And actually, I'm Ed's superior.
00:26:08And you broke a few laws, actually, because you came back later and you were quite busy.
00:26:14Working.
00:26:17Look at that.
00:26:19Look, dumping out the trash.
00:26:21I'm recycling.
00:26:22I'm recycling.
00:26:22No, you're not.
00:26:23You're not recycling.
00:26:24Look at this.
00:26:25Destroying the flowerpots.
00:26:27That's a birdie?
00:26:27No.
00:26:28No.
00:26:28And you put a live bat in their house, Donna.
00:26:30That was a bat rescue.
00:26:33I rescued that bat.
00:26:35It was not a bat rescue.
00:26:37It was a bat rescue.
00:26:38Look, you know, it was a while ago, okay?
00:26:43It's out of my system now.
00:26:44And I've moved on.
00:26:46Oh, okay.
00:26:47Well, this video is from yesterday.
00:26:53Look at that.
00:26:56I mean, come on, Donna.
00:27:00I could be doing anything.
00:27:01No.
00:27:02What do you mean?
00:27:03It's not my fault, okay?
00:27:04I'm a human being.
00:27:05I had to go, and I couldn't hold it.
00:27:08Donna, you squatted for 45 minutes before you went.
00:27:12You want to see this, Donna?
00:27:13Look at that.
00:27:14You shouldn't shame people with UTIs.
00:27:16That's not a UTI.
00:27:17Look at this.
00:27:18Look at that.
00:27:19Go tonight.
00:27:21You stayed there till the nighttime, Donna.
00:27:24You know what?
00:27:25The AIs and stuff and deepfades.
00:27:27You can't trust that video.
00:27:29Do you have anything in writing?
00:27:30I'd like to see the complaints.
00:27:31Of course.
00:27:32I'm the flesh.
00:27:33This is a sworn statement, and it is notarized by the police.
00:27:38Is this the official statement?
00:27:39Yes.
00:27:41Donna, no.
00:27:41Donna.
00:27:42Donna, stop.
00:27:43Donna.
00:27:43Donna.
00:27:44Donna, come back.
00:27:45Give me that.
00:27:46Donna.
00:27:46Donna.
00:27:47Get her.
00:27:48Don't.
00:27:48Get her back.
00:27:50Donna.
00:27:51Donna.
00:27:51Donna.
00:27:52Come back.
00:27:53Stop.
00:27:53Come back and give me the paper, Donna.
00:27:56Give me the paper, Donna.
00:27:57Donna.
00:27:58Donna, spit it out.
00:28:00Donna, be an adult, Donna.
00:28:01Donna, spit it out.
00:28:03Donna.
00:28:06Donna.
00:28:08Oh.
00:28:09Donna.
00:28:10Come on.
00:28:11Donna, spit it out.
00:28:18Come on, Donna.
00:28:19That was obscene, Donna.
00:28:24So that's it, right?
00:28:26That's it for me.
00:28:27You're going to fire me after I've given this company the best 17 days of my life.
00:28:34Donna, you showed no remorse for destroyed property and displayed an open disdain for customers.
00:28:42Okay?
00:28:43You do not belong in a UPS truck.
00:28:46Well, then where do I belong?
00:28:49The United States Postal Service, now hiring for the holiday.
00:28:52Ladies and gentlemen, Dijon.
00:29:10We're so excited.
00:29:15We're so excited.
00:29:16Keep moving higher.
00:29:29Keep it moving higher, keep it moving higher, you can see.
00:29:39Yeah.
00:29:46We gotta see, gotta see, watching you blow up, ballooning.
00:29:51Better me, better me, you can heal on up.
00:29:54In your ears, wash you in.
00:30:00You say that you're in that, Timmy, put your hands on up.
00:30:03Look, it's easy.
00:30:05It's T-Ball now, so just tee it on up.
00:30:08Make it feel like it's cheating.
00:30:12Choo-choo-choo-choo.
00:30:14It's easy, like a frown down up, or a gallop.
00:30:20Stay in my view, my love.
00:30:23You say you bring it all higher.
00:30:30Turn it in and watch it all pile up.
00:30:33You say, girl, and stackin' it, stylin' on it one time.
00:30:38You say you bring the love higher.
00:30:40And it's easy.
00:30:44It's two times.
00:30:46Let it move right into your ears.
00:30:49It's healing me.
00:30:52Cause this is the love higher.
00:30:55Well, it's a miracle, you know my love.
00:31:02See, that's obvious.
00:31:04And I, when he gets up, I tap right in.
00:31:07Till somebody else gets tired.
00:31:10You say, yeah.
00:31:11You say, yeah.
00:31:13Well, who was running like a statement video?
00:31:15Like, easy.
00:31:17And had it heard like ain't all my love.
00:31:21But year it's a PRO.
00:31:23You're Heh, she!
00:31:25You look like the keys higher.
00:31:26Ooh.
00:31:28I TERRI nên significant owner.
00:31:29And you, too.
00:31:31Wow, baby.
00:31:32I know my life, you could kill me.
00:31:33It's the thirst that's doing my ha$$.
00:31:37When you really love it's easy
00:31:39You lose you
00:31:41I love it when you tie my tie
00:31:46Tight around my neck
00:31:48And double up it when you're all gone
00:31:51Yeah, you get it back higher
00:31:54I wanna see what gets you all turned out
00:32:01Is that too much?
00:32:03Just touch your teeth and let it all work out
00:32:06So you ring the bell higher
00:32:08See, I gotta tell you that I owe my love
00:32:16See, that's obvious
00:32:17And you'll be right out when it turns out
00:32:21And then we are the best higher
00:32:23See, if someone's better on that door
00:32:29We're gonna have to get the bed higher
00:32:32Higher
00:32:33If someone's better on that door
00:32:35Hey, Jody, I'm getting better higher
00:32:38Higher
00:32:40And there's an ease
00:32:41It's two times
00:32:44Let it move right through you
00:32:46Yes
00:32:47You're still healing me
00:32:50Cause this is a love higher
00:32:52Cause this is a love higher
00:32:52Yeah
00:33:03This is a love higher
00:33:07I'm getting better
00:33:12Yeah
00:33:13Yeah
00:33:14Sorry
00:33:44Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Good evening. Good evening, everyone.
00:33:59Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
00:34:00I'm Colin Jost.
00:34:01Well, President Trump, President Trump has not yet won the Nobel Peace Prize, but this
00:34:08week he did win the equally prestigious soccer peace prize. At yesterday's World Cup draw,
00:34:15FIFA actually invented a fake peace prize in Trump's honor. And that's why the trophy
00:34:21shows Trump's gnarled hands dragging the entire earth into hell.
00:34:27The World Cup draw was held Friday, and Team USA will first face Paraguay. The U.S. team
00:34:36is heavily favored to beat Paraguay with the help of their star players, ICE.
00:34:41On Monday night, President Trump made hundreds of posts on Truth Social, including conspiracy
00:34:50theories, attacks on Democrats, and even a video of his cameo in Home Alone 2, which I
00:34:56hadn't seen in a while. And I have to say, the dialogue, it hits different now. Check
00:35:00it out. Excuse me. Where's Jeffrey Epstein? Down the hall and to the left. Thanks.
00:35:12It was there all along. President Trump said that he will soon release the results of his
00:35:22MRI test from October. He just needs a little more time to write of genius after the word
00:35:27stroke. The publisher of the beloved children's book, Franklin the Turtle, condemned Pete Hegseth
00:35:36for using the character in a post about drug boat attacks. Worse, if you zoom in, you'll
00:35:41see Franklin is shooting at Dora. House Democrats this week released pictures of Jeffrey Epstein's
00:35:52private island home. And honestly, it's not as nice as I remember.
00:35:57I think definitely the craziest detail of these photos was that there was one room with
00:36:08just a dentist chair in it. I don't know if you saw this, which seems very weird, but
00:36:13keep in mind, a lot of his girlfriends still had braces.
00:36:15What? Head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem, seen here watching the end of Marley and Me.
00:36:36Kristi Noem celebrated her birthday last week at a Mexican restaurant where she enjoyed her favorite
00:36:42food. Line cook spit. First Lady Melania Trump has unveiled the theme of this year's White House
00:36:52Christmas decorations, jackhammers. Republican women are privately blaming Speaker Mike Johnson
00:37:03for no women being elected chairs of House committees. But Johnson claims he's just following
00:37:08legal precedent set in the landmark case of Bros v. Hoes. It was announced Friday that Netflix is buying
00:37:17Warner Brothers Discovery for $82 billion, which explains why Netflix just raised its monthly plan
00:37:24to $50 million. Officials have for the first time approved building casinos in New York City,
00:37:33including one in the Bronx. Because let's be honest, every visit to the Bronx is a gamble.
00:37:40Glad you said it. Studies show...
00:37:45Studies show that a short trip to a warmer climate can help fend off seasonal depression.
00:37:53Here to give his tropical travel tips is Lance, a redhead who just went on vacation.
00:37:58Oh! Hello, darling. How are you, my friend? Or as the locals would say,
00:38:10wagwan. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Lance, I think you got a little sunburned on your trip.
00:38:18Ah, good eye. I did get a little kiss of color. And that color is, of course, hell red.
00:38:25Fun fact, I'm the same shade as a dog's erect member. Oh. Oh. Thanks. That's a great visual. So,
00:38:33Lance, do you have any travel tips you'd like to share? To share, I do. From Punta Cana all the way
00:38:39to Bora Bora, several places are the beach. But when thinking of the thing that fills your suitcase,
00:38:46perhaps consider a bottle of that white lotion we so love to loathe. I need to go to a hospital.
00:38:54Yeah, I mean, should we be worried? It just sounds like you might have sun poisoning.
00:38:57Oh, come on. I definitely do. But trust me, brother, I'm feeling 110.
00:39:05Percent?
00:39:06Degrees.
00:39:10Wow. The dancing is good.
00:39:12It's good, right?
00:39:13Yeah, it's impressive. Hey, look, now I have a new party trick. Check this out. This is a fully
00:39:19frozen TV dinner. Ready?
00:39:22Uh-huh.
00:39:25Fully cooked.
00:39:27Wow. That's really great. Well, let's just keep it on track. I mean, where did you go on vacation?
00:39:32Jamaica?
00:39:33Close, man. It was Ireland.
00:39:36How did you get that sunburn in Ireland?
00:39:42Dude, that's the crazy part. I got it on the plane. I fell asleep with my overhead reading
00:39:48light on.
00:39:51Stop. Stop doing that.
00:39:54I'm sorry. And look, I mean, if you think my face is bad, my body got it even worse.
00:39:59Oh, my God. Oh, what? Why were you wearing a bikini top?
00:40:05Because usually I'm too shy about my body, but I finally worked up the courage to wear
00:40:09a two-piece?
00:40:12Well, you know, body is tea.
00:40:14What's that?
00:40:14What?
00:40:16No, I was saying you were saying.
00:40:18Look, Lance, I'm really... I'm really starting to get concerned, okay?
00:40:21Well, about your tan, as you should be, man. You look whiter than the house.
00:40:26You're not... you're not even making sense.
00:40:30Then I'll do the only thing left that does make any sense.
00:40:35Bring out an all-redheaded children's choir.
00:40:38Please welcome the Ginger Singers.
00:40:42This holiday season, get the ginger in your life.
00:40:50What they truly need.
00:40:52Love.
00:40:53And some damn sunscreen.
00:40:55Oh! Oh! Oh!
00:40:57A red-headed just went on a vacation.
00:41:00I love you guys. I love you for real.
00:41:05Get out!
00:41:09What is wrong with you?
00:41:117-Eleven is now selling the popular Japanese-style egg salad sandwich,
00:41:16which is just a regular egg salad sandwich with very strict parents.
00:41:19A new study finds that the best city in the country for retirees is Orlando, Florida,
00:41:28while the worst city for retirees is Slippery Bathtub, Wisconsin.
00:41:35A growing number of studies show that watching short-form videos can lead to mental cognition problems.
00:41:41So, if you're watching this on TikTok...
00:41:43Duh!
00:41:51Today...
00:41:52Today marks the 141st anniversary of the completion of the Washington Monument,
00:41:59which was finally finished when they cut off the foreskin.
00:42:01Do you get it?
00:42:07Yeah, do you get it?
00:42:08I'm kind of a thinker.
00:42:11Columbia Sportswear has introduced a new line of Star Wars-based rain ponchos,
00:42:15like the ones worn by the Rebels in Return of the Jedi,
00:42:19guaranteed to keep you and all women dry as hell.
00:42:22I like that one.
00:42:27A new train simulator video game has launched that lets players operate a New Jersey transit train
00:42:33under realistic conditions.
00:42:35Conditions like transporting thousands of idiots to New York to stare at a goddamn tree!
00:42:45This week, a raccoon went viral after it broke into a liquor store in Virginia,
00:42:51smashed open bottles of alcohol, got drunk, then passed out in the bathroom.
00:42:57Here to explain their actions is that drunk raccoon.
00:43:07God, Colin, what happened last night?
00:43:11Did we hook up?
00:43:13No, we didn't hook up, no.
00:43:15Are you sure?
00:43:16Yes.
00:43:17We could do it right now.
00:43:18Hey!
00:43:20Hey!
00:43:21You like what you see, Colin?
00:43:23What?
00:43:24Oh, my God!
00:43:26Oh, my God.
00:43:27Are you okay?
00:43:27I'm okay.
00:43:28I'm okay.
00:43:30Are you okay?
00:43:35Listen, I think you...
00:43:37Stop, relax.
00:43:39I think you have, like, a serious drinking problem.
00:43:42Yeah, the problem being I can't get drunk in a bathroom without people taking pictures of
00:43:47me face down and ass up.
00:43:50But you know what they say, Colin, dress for the job you want.
00:43:54Whore.
00:43:55Pull yourself together, drunk raccoon.
00:44:08You're on TV.
00:44:09I know, I know.
00:44:11Oh, and you never see positive representations of raccoons in the media.
00:44:22The only thing you'll see of us on a screen is us and a ring camera like this.
00:44:26Hold on.
00:44:36Hold on.
00:44:37There's positive representation.
00:44:39I mean, doesn't Bradley Cooper play a raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy?
00:44:42Oh, I wouldn't know.
00:44:43I've never seen it.
00:44:44I'm not a virgin.
00:44:44I don't know what you're calling.
00:44:49I think it's cool that you know about stuff like that.
00:44:53I'm starving.
00:44:54Should we DoorDash something like tin cans or apple cores?
00:44:58Oh, you know what's actually good that you wouldn't think is good?
00:45:03Poop.
00:45:05I'm sorry.
00:45:06That's disgusting.
00:45:06Quiet, piggy.
00:45:11You all right?
00:45:13You okay?
00:45:13Sorry, false alarm.
00:45:15Came out the other end.
00:45:16Okay.
00:45:17Hey, are you going to eat that?
00:45:19Wait.
00:45:21Those are my jokes.
00:45:23I thought raccoons only eat trash.
00:45:26Exactly.
00:45:27Okay.
00:45:29Exactly.
00:45:30Okay.
00:45:31All right.
00:45:32You know what?
00:45:34You know what?
00:45:35That's...
00:45:36Calling my...
00:45:37That's actually really mean.
00:45:39Listen, fat.
00:45:39I know how...
00:45:41I know how disgusting you think we raccoons are.
00:45:43Raccoons are.
00:45:44We hear what you call us.
00:45:46Trash pandas.
00:45:47Dumpster dogs.
00:45:49The Sarah Shermans of the forest.
00:45:51Come on.
00:45:53You're not nearly as hairy as Sarah Shermans.
00:45:58Listen, I just really hope you get the help you need, and I hope I don't get rabies.
00:46:03Rabies?
00:46:04Ah!
00:46:08I'm kidding.
00:46:09I'm kidding.
00:46:10I'm kidding.
00:46:11I'm kidding.
00:46:12Rabies is the last thing you need to worry about getting from me.
00:46:15No, Sam.
00:46:18All right.
00:46:19Come on, Colin.
00:46:20Let's go back to my dumpster, and I'll ride your head like a Davy Crockett hat.
00:46:26A drunk raccoon, everyone.
00:46:30Weekend Update.
00:46:31I'm Colin Jones.
00:46:31I'm Michael K.
00:46:32Colin Stack.
00:46:33Good night!
00:46:33Okay, Lucy.
00:46:59See, the kid party is upstairs, so you can head up there with your sleeping bag, unless
00:47:04you'd rather hang with the moms.
00:47:07Okay.
00:47:07Thanks, Mrs. Connelly.
00:47:09Aw.
00:47:09Aw, she's so cute.
00:47:12Oh, she's great.
00:47:14Well, cheers, Gail.
00:47:15So good to hang with you, and I can't wait to try these snacks.
00:47:18Oh, say.
00:47:19Me too.
00:47:19Me too.
00:47:20So what do y'all think the girls are getting up to upstairs?
00:47:24Well, I bet they're playing truth or dare.
00:47:26Do you know what?
00:47:27Now, get this.
00:47:28I have never played truth or dare.
00:47:31Oh, me neither.
00:47:33Me neither.
00:47:34Well, here's an idea.
00:47:36How about we play right now?
00:47:37Oh, my God.
00:47:37Oh, my God.
00:47:38Yes.
00:47:39I'll start.
00:47:39I'll start.
00:47:40Okay.
00:47:41Chris, truth or dare?
00:47:42Oh, gosh.
00:47:43Okay.
00:47:43Truth.
00:47:44How was your Thanksgiving?
00:47:46It, you know what?
00:47:47It was lovely.
00:47:48It was lovely.
00:47:49I'll do one.
00:47:51I'll do one.
00:47:52And truth or dare.
00:47:54Truth.
00:47:54How do you like driving your Toyota Tacoma?
00:47:58It's really great for Costco running.
00:48:00Is it?
00:48:00Oh, that's nice.
00:48:01I love that.
00:48:02Oh, yeah.
00:48:04Okay.
00:48:05My turn, Chris.
00:48:05Truth or dare?
00:48:08Oh, truth.
00:48:09I couldn't make up my name.
00:48:11Okay.
00:48:12Is this dipped mayonnaise or yogurt?
00:48:14It's both.
00:48:15Oh, yeah.
00:48:17I know.
00:48:18I know.
00:48:19Okay.
00:48:19I'll go.
00:48:19Patricia, truth or dare?
00:48:21Okay.
00:48:21Truth.
00:48:22Actually, dare.
00:48:22Would you like to go to the bathroom and kiss?
00:48:31I would.
00:48:33Oh.
00:48:39Well, okay.
00:48:40We're doing it.
00:48:42Well, I got to say, I think this game is interesting and fun.
00:48:45Yeah.
00:48:46I was thinking the same thing.
00:48:47Oh, look at that.
00:48:48They're coming back.
00:48:49Oh.
00:48:50Hey, y'all.
00:48:52How was your dare?
00:48:53It was nice.
00:48:54Oh, that was nice.
00:48:55Yeah, it was good.
00:48:57Okay.
00:48:57Well, let's keep going, Susan.
00:48:59Truth or dare?
00:49:00Ah, truth.
00:49:02Okay.
00:49:02Why does your husband go by the nickname Kip?
00:49:04Yeah.
00:49:05He won't tell me.
00:49:06Uh-oh.
00:49:07Uh-oh.
00:49:07Uh-oh.
00:49:08Okay, Ann.
00:49:09Truth or dare?
00:49:10Truth.
00:49:11How great was wicked for good?
00:49:14Amazing.
00:49:14Okay, I'll go.
00:49:18Lisa, truth or dare?
00:49:20Dare.
00:49:21Would you like to go into the pantry and reveal our breasts?
00:49:27Yes.
00:49:29Well, this game is fascinating.
00:49:30I'm learning so much about everybody.
00:49:33Me too.
00:49:33I totally agree.
00:49:34Me too.
00:49:35I can't believe we've never played before.
00:49:37I know.
00:49:38We're pretty good at it.
00:49:39I think so, too.
00:49:40I keep wondering, are we supposed to be keeping a score or something?
00:49:42Oh, no.
00:49:42I don't know.
00:49:43No, I think everybody wins.
00:49:44It's just kind of free flow.
00:49:45Yes, it's free flow.
00:49:46Oh, I think they're back.
00:49:47Hey, how'd it go?
00:49:49I liked it.
00:49:50It was okay.
00:49:51Nice.
00:49:52Okay, all right.
00:49:53Give me one.
00:49:54Okay, Chris.
00:49:55Truth or dare?
00:49:56Truth.
00:49:57How do you send a photo in a text?
00:50:01I don't think you can.
00:50:03I don't think you can, actually.
00:50:06I can't do it.
00:50:07All right, let's keep this going.
00:50:08Patricia.
00:50:09Mm-hmm.
00:50:09What time is it?
00:50:107.15.
00:50:11Oh, thank you.
00:50:12Okay, and Ann, dare, would you like to go in the coat room and sit on my hand?
00:50:24I'd like that very much.
00:50:26Sorry about that.
00:50:29What are these?
00:50:31Oh, they're nuts.
00:50:32Yeah.
00:50:33It's nuts?
00:50:33Yeah, it's nuts.
00:50:34I've never had a nut.
00:50:35Yeah, it's nuts.
00:50:37Oh, how was your dare?
00:50:38Oh, 10 out of 10.
00:50:40Yeah.
00:50:40There's a blast.
00:50:41No notes.
00:50:42No notes.
00:50:43Well, we're covering a lot of ground here.
00:50:45Do people feel like they need a break?
00:50:47No.
00:50:47No.
00:50:47Hell no.
00:50:48No.
00:50:49Then, uh, Patricia.
00:50:50Truth.
00:50:51What's your Spotify age?
00:50:52210.
00:50:53Okay, and Susan, would you like to go into the yard and choke me sexually?
00:51:02Yes.
00:51:05That's a good dare.
00:51:06We should play this again tomorrow, right?
00:51:09Yeah.
00:51:09Hey, can I bring my husband?
00:51:11No.
00:51:12No.
00:51:12No.
00:51:15No.
00:51:28Oh, my God.
00:51:31Oh, wow.
00:51:32You guys, this has just been such a lovely evening.
00:51:34I don't want it to end.
00:51:35Aw, me either.
00:51:37Yeah, this is a bit of a delight.
00:51:39I know.
00:51:39Mark and I always love having you guys over.
00:51:41Yes.
00:51:42This has been amazing.
00:51:43Yes.
00:51:45Guys.
00:51:46Am I crazy?
00:51:48Should we do this, like, every Sunday?
00:51:52Uh, what do you mean?
00:51:55This.
00:51:56Us.
00:51:57Every Sunday.
00:51:58Right?
00:51:58Dinner.
00:52:00Us.
00:52:01Sunday supper.
00:52:03Right?
00:52:03Every Sunday.
00:52:04Sunday supper, right?
00:52:06Let's do it every week.
00:52:07Sunday supper.
00:52:10Well, that'd be nice, but we'd have to get a sitter.
00:52:13No way, babe.
00:52:14Those teens drive a hard bargain.
00:52:19Totally.
00:52:21No, totally.
00:52:22Yeah, that makes sense.
00:52:25Yeah.
00:52:25Plus, we usually do dinner with my parents on Sundays.
00:52:29How are your parents?
00:52:30Right.
00:52:32Totally.
00:52:32Totally.
00:52:33You gotta do that.
00:52:35Yeah, just, it wouldn't work.
00:52:37Yeah.
00:52:39I'm sorry.
00:52:41Sorry.
00:52:42Sorry.
00:52:42I just got excited about Sunday supper.
00:52:45But yeah, like, it wouldn't work, right?
00:52:48People have lives, Mark.
00:52:51I'm sorry.
00:52:56Seriously, guys.
00:52:57Guys, don't worry.
00:53:01It's fine.
00:53:02It's fine.
00:53:07Is he okay?
00:53:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:53:09He's fine.
00:53:10He's just, you know, he gets himself worked up about Sunday supper, is all.
00:53:15Well, he seemed really heartbroken.
00:53:17Oh, no, no, no.
00:53:18He'll be fine.
00:53:19He's a tough, long guy.
00:53:20I have an announcement.
00:53:23I have an announcement.
00:53:27I am running away.
00:53:30I'm sorry.
00:53:31What's happening?
00:53:32What's happening is I'm running away, Denise.
00:53:34I'm running away and never coming back, because I'm embarrassed.
00:53:39I got too excited about Sunday supper, and no one else wanted to do Sunday supper.
00:53:45Mark, you don't have to run away for that, man.
00:53:47Yeah, Mark, it's fine.
00:53:48We're all having a really nice time still.
00:53:50Yeah, yeah.
00:53:51Tonight's been great.
00:53:54So then we'll do it?
00:53:57We'll do Sunday supper?
00:54:01I'm sorry.
00:54:02We just can't really.
00:54:03Oh, Mark!
00:54:05Mark!
00:54:05Mark!
00:54:06Mark!
00:54:06No!
00:54:07Look what you've done.
00:54:07You've been too rough with your things, Mark.
00:54:11Hey, dude, what did you peck?
00:54:14It's everything from his dress-up box.
00:54:17He has a dress-up box?
00:54:18It's not what you think.
00:54:20It's to play make-believe.
00:54:23I've never seen Mark like this.
00:54:25Has he ever run away before?
00:54:27Yeah, and last week he was ordering pizza, and he said, I love you, to the guy on the phone.
00:54:32He got so embarrassed that that night he tried to hop a freight train, but then he got scared
00:54:36because somebody offered him crack.
00:54:39Well, maybe we can do a different day.
00:54:43Can we do Saturday supper?
00:54:45Mark, our son has basketball.
00:54:51No!
00:54:51Mark!
00:54:52No, Mark!
00:54:53No!
00:54:54Mark!
00:54:54Mark!
00:54:54Mark!
00:54:55Mark, you keep a jug of gasoline behind your couch?
00:54:59Mark, stop it!
00:55:00Stop drinking gasoline!
00:55:03Yeah, yeah, maybe we could do something that's less of a commitment.
00:55:06How about breakfast here every morning at 6 a.m.?
00:55:11It feels like more of a commitment, Mark.
00:55:15Mark!
00:55:16No!
00:55:17Mark!
00:55:17Mark!
00:55:18Stop it!
00:55:19I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:55:21I gotta go.
00:55:22No, Mark, you can't leave me.
00:55:24Come on.
00:55:27I don't belong in this world, sugar.
00:55:30I belong out there.
00:55:32On the tracks.
00:55:33But where will you go?
00:55:36What do you do?
00:55:38I'll befriend a large, simple man.
00:55:41And at the end of the story,
00:55:43I'll shoot him in the back of the head.
00:55:46But it'll be the right thing to do.
00:55:49Because he has rabies.
00:55:52I think you got your references mixed up there, Mark.
00:55:56I'll always love you.
00:55:58But now I gotta go because I'm embarrassed.
00:56:00I got too excited for Sunday supper
00:56:02and nobody else wanted to do Sunday supper.
00:56:05Goodbye.
00:56:12Wow.
00:56:14Do you guys think we'll ever see him again?
00:56:17I hope not.
00:56:18Because he is a burden on my life
00:56:23and he belongs out there,
00:56:26a free soul on the tracks.
00:56:32The neighbor's dog was outside
00:56:34and I got scared.
00:56:36Thanks for tuning in.
00:56:36I'll see you next time.
00:56:37Bye for next time.
00:56:38Woo!
00:56:39Woo, ya!
00:56:39Woo!
00:56:40Woo!
00:56:41Woo!
00:56:53Woo!
00:56:54Woo!
00:56:58Yeah!
00:57:00Woo!
00:57:01Woo!
00:57:02Woo!
00:57:03Yeah!
00:57:03Once again, Dijon.
00:57:33See, I'm yours, that's on top or all fours, ooh, why don't you nasty, cause baby we got a way to expand this collection, I can say it again, my baby, and baby you look good to me, you demand my attention, so give me attention, when I'm at attention.
00:57:58Baby, I wake you the baby all night, see, it's all you want, I mean we talk, we talk, we talk, we talk, it ain't no fun, like yourself can dial into it two plus one even, why not, we're around you.
00:58:27Feeling like I'd only need to expand this connection
00:58:31And this is yours, my baby
00:58:35Baby, it look good to me, you demand my attention
00:58:40You're sucking the attention
00:58:41Well, I'm at attention all night
00:58:46I need a love and affection
00:58:48My little mother invention
00:58:53And I might make the human connection
00:58:58A little human connection
00:59:00It's kinda sexy
00:59:01It's a maker, baby
00:59:03Ooh
00:59:04It's a maker, baby
00:59:07Ooh
00:59:09I'm ready, baby
00:59:12Ah
00:59:13It's a maker, baby
00:59:17Ah
00:59:18Well, it's time
00:59:21It's gonna be the heart of me to expand this collection
00:59:26And this is yours, my baby
00:59:30And maybe I'll look good to me, you demand my attention
00:59:34So give me attention
00:59:36Ah
00:59:37It's like an addiction, baby
00:59:39Ah
00:59:41It's like an addiction, baby
00:59:44Ah
00:59:45It's like an addiction, baby
00:59:49Yeah
00:59:51Yeah
00:59:51Let's make an addiction, baby
00:59:53Ah
00:59:54Let's make an addiction, baby
00:59:58Yeah
01:00:00Let's make an addiction, baby
01:00:02Ah
01:00:05Let's make an addiction, baby
01:00:07Yeah
01:00:09Let's make an addiction, baby
01:01:19Bye.
01:01:20Bye.
01:01:22Bye.
01:01:29Bye.
01:01:30Bye.
01:01:31Bye.
01:01:32Bye.
01:01:33Bye.
01:01:34Bye.
01:01:35Bye.
01:01:36Bye.
01:01:37Bye.
01:01:38Bye.
01:01:39Bye.
01:01:41Bye.
01:01:43Bye.
01:01:44Bye.
01:01:45Bye.
01:01:46Bye.
01:01:47Bye.
01:01:48Bye.
01:01:49Bye.
01:01:50Bye.
01:01:51Bye.
01:01:52Bye.
01:01:53Bye.
01:01:54Bye.
01:01:55Bye.
01:01:56Bye.
01:01:57Bye.
01:01:58Bye.
01:01:59Bye.
01:02:00Bye.
01:02:01Bye.
01:02:02Bye.
01:02:03Bye.
01:02:04Bye.
01:02:05Bye.
01:02:06Bye.
01:02:07Bye.
01:02:08Bye.
01:02:09Bye.
01:02:10Bye.
01:02:11Bye.
01:02:12Bye.
01:02:17Bye.
01:02:18I am the mayor of Cousin Planet
01:02:21Cousin Planet is one giant on the side
01:02:24A turkey throwing in every garage
01:02:27And every conversation is catching up
01:02:30Here you cousins are only two boys
01:02:33One girl hooking up
01:02:36And the second law is that the first law is flexible
01:02:39What? Excuse me?
01:02:41Use your discretion!
01:02:42A cousin is a daughter of a sister of your home
01:02:45A cousin is the son of the uncle of you
01:02:48A cousin is the first to sleep on your couch
01:02:51A cousin is me and a cousin is you
01:02:54I'm a Cousin Planet, Cousin Planet
01:02:56The dark side of the planet are the cousins on your dad's side
01:03:00Cousin Planet, Cousin Planet
01:03:02Good luck with your masters in whatever your study is
01:03:06Cousin Planet, Cousin Planet
01:03:08Where it's always December
01:03:10These cousins don't exist in the summer
01:03:12Cousin Planet
01:03:15Cousin Planet
01:03:16It's a cousin Planet
01:03:17It's a cousin Planet
01:03:18It's a cousin Planet
01:03:19It's a cousin Planet
01:03:21Cousin Planet
01:03:24What?
01:03:25If you've driven on Warburton Avenue in Yonkers
01:03:29season's greetings folks if you've driven on warburton avenue and yonkers you've probably
01:03:42seen this gorgeous glow coming from this extraordinary decorated home here with me
01:03:47today is the couple responsible for all the magic it's christopher and guillaume
01:03:51what's it take to put together the uh biggest christmas village in yonkers well might not
01:04:04happen this year because i'm not feeling the christmas spirit maybe i catch a second wind
01:04:07i don't know well you certainly i will catch you in when you pass gas under our duvet is it true
01:04:13well i'd love to learn a little bit about some of your favorite items in the collection well first
01:04:17we have our minion nativity scene and then we have one of our favorites we have oh my gosh fashion
01:04:29jesus and uh he died on the cross for our sins and i am dying for this look and next up we have a
01:04:36gingerbread apartment building it's a five-story walk up there's a two-bedroom no bath we're gingerbread
01:04:42slumlords and we've just evicted a gingerbread immigrant family i'm i'm sorry over here over
01:04:49here okay yes let's here i will show you this other one look at this have you seen my snow babies
01:04:55okay you gotta hold him right you gotta hold him right you know his neck and cradling you gotta hold
01:05:00him like this because his brain is still developing someone's brain is still developing okay you know what
01:05:04guillaume ran over a woman at the arby's drive-through yesterday that's not true that is not true i did
01:05:09not run her over i lightly tapped her with the bottom of my car against her head you know you
01:05:15two have such wonderful rapport we've got more gotta be an interesting story behind how you met too
01:05:21oh well i guess uh we met on singe which was a dating app for people who have been burned by past or
01:05:28current relationships yum well wow and uh what is it like being gay being a gay couple in this town
01:05:36it's gay town i i am a woman and yakuza's is a village
01:05:47this is coming out of nowhere coming out of nowhere how dare you
01:05:50i'm not coming out of my apologies explain what area is this coming out of
01:05:54now let's just get back to your display huh oh when did you start collecting christmas decor well it's not
01:05:59just christmas because you skipped right over the menorah corner right and the kwanzaquanzalia
01:06:07well sounds like there's a little something for everyone at this house oh that reminds me
01:06:11speaking of little this is a limited edition snow baby tree topper and the fun fact is this snow baby
01:06:17was preemie so he has the benjamin buttons disease yes yes and last but certainly not least it's a
01:06:24figurine of rudolph exploring himself sexually isn't it wonderful yeah yeah yeah so rudolph can hook
01:06:31up with the third but i can't oh you know what okay well from yonkers uh i'm ribbed condom and yeah
01:06:41i know producers told me to stop saying my name but my mother named me so i'm gonna say it i'm ribbed condom
01:06:54so
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