- 2 hours ago
No 1 Best Comedy and Full Romance Movie For ever
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00What do you want, Javi?
00:00:04Stop the music!
00:00:06Oh, it's Chris!
00:00:07Oh, no, Dick, it looks like it's his knee.
00:00:10This could be serious.
00:00:11Oh, this hurts just to look at!
00:00:13I've been having nightmares like that since my accident.
00:00:31But I'm no Debbie Downer.
00:00:33I got right back to work.
00:00:347,008, 7,009.
00:00:37Easy, Chris. Don't put so much pressure on it.
00:00:38Can we be positive?
00:00:40Will Smith in the pursuit of happiness was positive.
00:00:42He got the job at the end.
00:00:43I'm going to the NBA.
00:00:45I got 50 more.
00:00:48And yes, I had a mohawk.
00:00:50I'm not proud of it.
00:00:52And speaking of the pursuit of happiness,
00:00:54no matter what happens, I have Kim by my side.
00:00:57This is a painting I did of us in my cartooning class.
00:01:00I think next I want to learn animation.
00:01:02Oh, and oil paints.
00:01:05Kim says I should write out my name,
00:01:07but I kind of like it when it's just the C and the L.
00:01:10To be honest, I kind of love art even more than basketball.
00:01:13But as Kim always says,
00:01:17you can't make money with art.
00:01:24Happy anniversary!
00:01:33If you looked up Bozo in the dictionary,
00:01:35you might see this image.
00:01:37God, I hit that mohawk.
00:01:39What's with the suitcase?
00:01:42Don't be so emotional, Chris.
00:01:44Was I being emotional?
00:01:45I don't think I was being emotional.
00:01:47I think there was normal emotion.
00:01:49We don't have time for this.
00:01:51Daddy's waiting.
00:01:52Everything's in the note.
00:01:53What?
00:01:53Whoa, whoa, slow down.
00:01:55Kim, Kimmy.
00:01:57What, where are you going?
00:01:59And this is when Kim told me how she really felt.
00:02:02You're an art major.
00:02:07I know.
00:02:11I thought you loved my paintings.
00:02:15Kim, not you, too.
00:02:17Kim, you can't listen to what coaches and doctors
00:02:20and physical therapists and everyone else at this school says.
00:02:23I'm getting drafted.
00:02:24You're delusional.
00:02:26Wake up.
00:02:28Kim.
00:02:29Kim.
00:02:33Kim.
00:02:34Man, that mohawk looks stupid.
00:02:37People will tell you to follow your dreams
00:02:39until you fall short.
00:02:41Then,
00:02:42they'll call you delusional.
00:02:45But sometimes,
00:02:58when you hit rock bottom,
00:03:00certain people come into your life
00:03:01that you would least expect
00:03:02and change it forever.
00:03:11Who's that guy?
00:03:12Jack guy.
00:03:13Jack guy.
00:03:13Jack guy.
00:03:13Jack guy.
00:03:15Jack guy.
00:03:16Jack-j-jack guy.
00:03:17Jack guy.
00:03:18Jack-j-jack guy.
00:03:19Who's that guy?
00:03:21Jack guy.
00:03:22Jack guy.
00:03:22Jack-j-jack guy.
00:03:24Who's that guy?
00:03:26The year was 2012,
00:03:29the year in which I was supposed to be competing
00:03:31for NBA Rookie of the Year,
00:03:33but instead,
00:03:34I was working at a small, sweaty gym,
00:03:37making minimum wage.
00:03:39And for the record,
00:03:40I did graduate,
00:03:42and that's when it hit me.
00:03:43What the hell am I going to do for a living?
00:03:46I was offered a lot of jobs in the sports world,
00:03:48but to be honest,
00:03:49I just haven't wanted to face it.
00:03:52Sweat hard.
00:03:54A gym you shouldn't work out at.
00:03:56Sweat hard.
00:03:56A gym where no one sweats hard.
00:03:59Located deep in the valley,
00:04:01away from the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
00:04:03People keep telling me I need therapy,
00:04:07especially my co-worker, Missy.
00:04:09Missy tells me I need therapy every day.
00:04:14Todd, the gym owner's son,
00:04:16the manager of this place,
00:04:18was in pottery class with me.
00:04:20Guy couldn't make a vase to save his life,
00:04:22but he offered me a job here.
00:04:23In addition to working in this gym,
00:04:30my full-time job is trying to not be bitter.
00:04:39Yuck!
00:04:40Don't be so emotional, Chris.
00:04:59Emotional, Chris.
00:05:01You're an art major.
00:05:02Art major.
00:05:04You're delusional.
00:05:06Wake up.
00:05:06You're delusional.
00:05:09Wake up.
00:05:10There are so many membership packages.
00:05:20I'm, like, totally not sure what I want.
00:05:23Oh, my God.
00:05:25You look so familiar.
00:05:28Do we know each other?
00:05:29Oh, my God!
00:05:32No, wait.
00:05:34You played for LA Tech, didn't you?
00:05:37OMG!
00:05:38You're that basketball guy, right?
00:05:41Can I help you, ladies?
00:05:43Um, you work here now?
00:05:48I, like, totally do.
00:05:53Oh, my God, right?
00:05:54Like, isn't that, like, totally, like, crazy?
00:05:58Are you mocking us?
00:06:00Yeah.
00:06:04Do you want a membership, or what?
00:06:07Come again.
00:06:08Excuse me.
00:06:09Young ladies.
00:06:10Excuse me.
00:06:11Hi, I'm Missy.
00:06:11Young ladies.
00:06:12Excuse me.
00:06:13Hi.
00:06:13I'd like to meet you.
00:06:14Where are you?
00:06:14Holy bejesus, Chris.
00:06:16She really, really gave it to him, huh?
00:06:20Bitches, right?
00:06:21Are you going to let him speak to our customers like that?
00:06:24What?
00:06:25Because they didn't buy anything.
00:06:27Did they buy anything?
00:06:27They didn't buy anything, did they?
00:06:29Okay.
00:06:35Okay, so I might not have the best customer service,
00:06:38but can you blame me?
00:06:40This scantily dressed human is another co-worker of mine.
00:06:44What's up, dick spit?
00:06:45Bobby.
00:06:47See the numbers on my YouTube video?
00:06:49I'm up to 104 views.
00:06:50About to make that sneezing panda, my bitch.
00:06:53Bro, you're getting the floor all right.
00:06:54You're getting the kitchen all ugly.
00:06:56Hey, Chris.
00:06:57Don't you dare talk to her.
00:06:59I'm not even talking to you.
00:07:01You're getting smart with me, huh, you tall fuck?
00:07:04I'm an orange belt.
00:07:05I will ruin you.
00:07:06Are we done?
00:07:07I'm never done, Chris.
00:07:08I've got 20 more laps and an hour more worth of legs,
00:07:10and I'm not going to stop
00:07:11until I feel like I'm back in college
00:07:13and there's a fucking party in the quad.
00:07:18God, I love Mondays.
00:07:22That's Giselle.
00:07:23Pretty sure she hooks up with everyone.
00:07:26Kind of want a Popsicle now, too.
00:07:34What you're looking at are the gym's pipes,
00:07:37flooding our neighbor Ivana's salon with sewage.
00:07:43Meanwhile, at our morning meeting,
00:07:45our staff gets along swimmingly.
00:07:47And I know because I try to find it to go out work.
00:07:49Okay, calm down.
00:07:50We're not going to have to close down, I don't think.
00:07:53You stinky pigs.
00:07:54Do you realize you have a business?
00:07:56Unattended.
00:07:56Outside.
00:07:59Anybody?
00:08:00Okay.
00:08:00This is Ivana.
00:08:03She definitely abuses Adderall.
00:08:05And your gross sewage pipes are leaking,
00:08:07stay into my salon.
00:08:09It's no wonder the pipes are leaking.
00:08:11I told you the week before that.
00:08:13Everything in this gym is broken,
00:08:15including the staff.
00:08:17Oh, yes.
00:08:18Yes, we just keep our...
00:08:20Oh, this is cute.
00:08:21Oh, really?
00:08:21This is mature, guys.
00:08:22What is this?
00:08:23West Side Story?
00:08:24Did you rehearse this?
00:08:24Very good.
00:08:25All right.
00:08:25If you put this much effort into your gym,
00:08:28maybe it wouldn't suck so fucking bad.
00:08:30Smell that.
00:08:31It's much better.
00:08:32I think our hair is pretty.
00:08:39Honestly, I'm at my breaking point.
00:08:42Asking myself every day,
00:08:44do I believe in second chances?
00:08:47And yes,
00:08:48I also have a sweating problem.
00:08:51Doctors say it's tied to my anxiety,
00:08:54but I definitely don't need therapy.
00:09:01Hello, Chris.
00:09:04You look a little bit down.
00:09:07Maybe I can cheer you up
00:09:08with a little bit of a top dance.
00:09:11This is Dre,
00:09:13Missy's husband.
00:09:14Can bench press the building.
00:09:24What are you doing?
00:09:31I have an audition
00:09:32as a British tap dancer.
00:09:36How'd I do?
00:09:37And yet,
00:09:37he's the one
00:09:38in the healthy relationship.
00:09:39Paycheck time!
00:09:40Ha ha.
00:09:42Huh?
00:09:42What are you guys talking about?
00:09:46Sports?
00:09:49You know,
00:09:50I've been hit with a few dodgeballs
00:09:52back in my time, you know.
00:09:55You should get a hoop out back, huh?
00:09:57Play a little b-ball.
00:09:58I don't play basketball anymore, Todd.
00:10:01What?
00:10:01Ha ha.
00:10:02Ha ha.
00:10:02This guy.
00:10:03What?
00:10:04Are you kidding?
00:10:05Why not?
00:10:07You're the best, man.
00:10:08I used to hear about you all the time.
00:10:09Chris Long,
00:10:10scores 30.
00:10:11Chris Long's unstoppable.
00:10:13I thought you were the greatest.
00:10:16He got real excited
00:10:17when I told him
00:10:17we were on the same team now.
00:10:21Let's imagine
00:10:22that this ticket right here
00:10:24represents all of my hopes and dreams.
00:10:27Or better yet,
00:10:29my ACL.
00:10:30Okay?
00:10:32Whoops.
00:10:35There go those.
00:10:36Hope you didn't need them, Chris.
00:10:38This is not my life.
00:10:41This is someone else's life.
00:10:45Pardon me.
00:10:51Jack Guy.
00:10:54And that was the moment
00:10:55I met the one and only
00:10:57Jack Guy.
00:10:59He immediately put us all on edge.
00:11:01But not to be a total hater,
00:11:04his cologne was kind of amazing.
00:11:06Jack Guy.
00:11:07Is that even a real name?
00:11:09Don't be jealous of his awesome name.
00:11:12Todd said not all of us
00:11:12are going to get fired.
00:11:14I think some of us
00:11:15are getting fired.
00:11:16Big changes are coming, Todd.
00:11:17It's going to be awesome.
00:11:18Can you change the lock
00:11:19on that door for me?
00:11:21I'm heading to Starbucks
00:11:21for a green tea latte.
00:11:22I'll be back in 20s.
00:11:24Schmitty!
00:11:25What the hell's going on, bro?
00:11:27Let's hit that club tonight.
00:11:28Oh, yeah.
00:11:35Todd.
00:11:38What's up?
00:11:39You tell us, motherfucker.
00:11:41We have a new owner.
00:11:42What about your dad?
00:11:44He said he was tired of
00:11:45losing money on a business
00:11:47just to keep me employed
00:11:48and he wishes he would have
00:11:49strapped up 30 years ago.
00:11:52I suck.
00:11:53Do you know he currently
00:11:54holds the title
00:11:55world's first ever
00:11:56male supermodel?
00:11:58I held that title on.
00:11:59This is Buzz.
00:12:01He's like an unofficial employee.
00:12:02He's here all day, every day.
00:12:04Guy's like 91.
00:12:06That's a title.
00:12:07He wanted to be so successful.
00:12:08What the fuck is he doing here?
00:12:10He's here.
00:12:40chinchilla fur
00:12:40and he gets out of the pool wet
00:12:42and then he sits on it
00:12:43just because he doesn't give a fuck.
00:12:51Oh, and he was an all-Ivy League
00:12:53quarterback for Yale.
00:12:54Record breaker.
00:12:55Senior year.
00:12:5628 touchdowns.
00:12:57In one game.
00:13:00That was like my resume.
00:13:02How do you know all this?
00:13:04I Google, Facebook,
00:13:05MySpace, Wikipedia
00:13:05and Twittered him.
00:13:07Plus he told me.
00:13:07Holy Sherlock.
00:13:10Check her out, Holmes.
00:13:14And this was someone
00:13:17who is not usually around here.
00:13:21Whoa.
00:13:22She looked like an angel.
00:13:25Who was she?
00:13:26Where did she come from?
00:13:28Maybe she's looking for a trainer.
00:13:30Maybe I could be that trainer.
00:13:31Maybe we could train together.
00:13:32Maybe this is the beginning
00:13:34of something spe-
00:13:35Of course.
00:13:40Mr. Guy's got some moves.
00:13:43But I can tell you exactly
00:13:45what he's saying.
00:13:46Hi, I'm Jack.
00:13:47Jack Guy.
00:13:48I'm a supermodel
00:13:49and I throw footballs
00:13:50incredibly far.
00:13:51I'm married,
00:13:51but I'd still like to bend you
00:13:52over the hood
00:13:53of my incredibly expensive
00:13:54midlife crisis sports car.
00:13:55Oh my God.
00:13:57Your name is Jack Guy.
00:13:59That is so cool.
00:14:00And your wallet is so big.
00:14:02If you treat me like shit,
00:14:04I promise I will love you forever.
00:14:09Missy's right, dude.
00:14:10You need therapy.
00:14:12Bro, you wear a speedo.
00:14:15Did you guys hear the good news?
00:14:17We're gonna be on TV.
00:14:20I'm gonna be famous.
00:14:22Yes!
00:14:23Yes!
00:14:23I've been training for this
00:14:24my whole life.
00:14:26It'll be just like
00:14:27the iconic hit TV show.
00:14:29The Office.
00:14:30But unscripted
00:14:32and set in the gym.
00:14:33It'll be great.
00:14:35Full of competition.
00:14:36You'll have awards.
00:14:38Those are the basics
00:14:39of the reality show.
00:14:44The less you know,
00:14:45the better.
00:14:46But let me be clear
00:14:47on one thing.
00:14:49There will be no favorites.
00:14:51We are a team.
00:14:53Everybody's gonna get
00:14:55plenty of screen time.
00:15:03And I'd like the world
00:15:04to get to know
00:15:04each and every one of you.
00:15:07Because I sense
00:15:07greatness in this room.
00:15:10And speaking of the cast,
00:15:12I thought we needed
00:15:13a little bit more
00:15:13of a zen aspect
00:15:15in this place.
00:15:15So I'd like you to meet
00:15:16your new yoga instructor.
00:15:19Namaste, my humans.
00:15:21My earth name is Niles.
00:15:23My cosmic name
00:15:25is Baba Guru Yogi G.
00:15:29Would you may call me
00:15:30once we attain enlightenment
00:15:31in our practice together?
00:15:32If this guy thinks
00:15:33I'm calling him
00:15:34Baba Guru Yogi G,
00:15:36he's got another thing
00:15:37coming to him.
00:15:38Namaste.
00:15:39Yeah, namaste.
00:15:40That's great.
00:15:40I have a question.
00:15:42What if we don't want
00:15:43our lives on display?
00:15:48Everybody wants the limelight.
00:16:03And the best part about this,
00:16:05this is only the beginning
00:16:06of the Dumbbells experience.
00:16:08Dumbbells.
00:16:10That's our new name.
00:16:12Dumbbells.
00:16:1425-8.
00:16:1525-8.
00:16:16Exactly.
00:16:17Because 24-7's for pussies.
00:16:20We're Dumbbells
00:16:21all the time.
00:16:23Speak for yourself.
00:16:27So, does that mean
00:16:29we get extra hours?
00:16:30Negativo.
00:16:31Operating hours
00:16:32remain the same.
00:16:33So, then how can we
00:16:34be called 25-8?
00:16:36Perception
00:16:37is reality.
00:16:41Dumbbells, 25-8.
00:16:42But we're still open
00:16:43from 6 to 9.
00:16:44In today's economy,
00:16:46reality shows
00:16:46have been proven
00:16:47to be a very viable
00:16:48mechanism to boost
00:16:49business profits
00:16:50by as much as 300%.
00:16:52And speaking of percentages,
00:16:54I need everybody
00:16:55to give that
00:16:55little bit extra.
00:16:57So, if you've been
00:16:58at 100,
00:16:59I need you at 150.
00:17:01And if you've been
00:17:02at 10%,
00:17:03I suggest a complete
00:17:06attitude adjustment.
00:17:11Fuck this guy.
00:17:13Fuck this guy.
00:17:15500%.
00:17:16I'm done.
00:17:17I thought about going pro,
00:17:18but I had so many
00:17:19modeling offers,
00:17:20I figured,
00:17:21you know,
00:17:21why risk an injury?
00:17:22Yeah.
00:17:23Someone else is dying.
00:17:24All education.
00:17:25That was great.
00:17:26I love it.
00:17:31Cliff,
00:17:31can I help you?
00:17:32Actually,
00:17:33it's Chris.
00:17:35He's, uh,
00:17:36good looking.
00:17:37Ah.
00:17:38Ha, ha.
00:17:39Too bad he's
00:17:42also married.
00:17:48I know.
00:17:49I'm Jack's niece,
00:17:50Rachel.
00:17:57Chris,
00:17:58my office,
00:17:5910 minutes sharp.
00:18:00Jack.
00:18:16Yes.
00:18:17You wanted to see me?
00:18:18Yeah.
00:18:19We need to talk.
00:18:26I can come back.
00:18:27No, no.
00:18:28Right now.
00:18:33I have two
00:18:34troubling words for you.
00:18:38Jack.
00:18:39Cock block.
00:18:42So you were
00:18:43hitting on your knees?
00:18:44It's a metaphor.
00:18:47This show
00:18:48is like my
00:18:50fat cock
00:18:52and nobody
00:18:54is going to block it.
00:18:55All right.
00:18:57I just wanted
00:18:58to say bye.
00:18:59H, hi.
00:19:016 a.m.?
00:19:016 a.m. sharp.
00:19:05Wow,
00:19:06cool fish.
00:19:07You like it?
00:19:09Yeah.
00:19:10It's yours.
00:19:11Take it.
00:19:11What?
00:19:12Really?
00:19:12Yeah, sure.
00:19:13It was Todd's.
00:19:14I'm sure he's
00:19:14just going to throw it away.
00:19:15Let's find the fish
00:19:16at home.
00:19:17Consider it to be
00:19:18my gift to you
00:19:19for helping out
00:19:19on the show.
00:19:21You're welcome.
00:19:23I'll see you bright
00:19:24and early, okay?
00:19:25Yeah.
00:19:25All right.
00:19:25Let me just
00:19:30make it
00:19:30really, really
00:19:31simple for you.
00:19:33Either you're
00:19:34a cock block
00:19:34or a dumbbell.
00:19:38You need to choose.
00:19:39honey, I'm home.
00:19:55There's my MVP.
00:19:57I made your favorite.
00:19:58Wow, everything looks
00:20:02absolutely wonderful, dear.
00:20:04Nice buzzer-beating dunk
00:20:06over Dwight Howard tonight.
00:20:08Oh, you'd think
00:20:09he would have learned
00:20:09from last time.
00:20:11Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:20:15I've set the table, but what do you say
00:20:17we start with dessert first?
00:20:20This is not my life.
00:20:22This is someone else's life.
00:20:25Chris, my man, what is up?
00:20:38You're a nice guy.
00:20:39I wanted to tell you this
00:20:40in person, all right?
00:20:42Look, you're evicted, man.
00:20:43You can't live here anymore.
00:20:44What?
00:20:45Yeah, you're getting evicted.
00:20:47You can't live here anymore.
00:20:49It's horrible, terrible stuff going on.
00:20:52Your car's being towed
00:20:52down the stairs right now, too.
00:20:53I don't know if you wanted me to tell you.
00:20:56Awesome.
00:20:57Hey, wait a second.
00:20:57Have you been working out?
00:20:59You look nice, man.
00:21:00Oh, good.
00:21:00Incline?
00:21:04I'll come back.
00:21:06All right.
00:21:06Talk to you.
00:21:07That was my boss on the phone,
00:21:09and he saw you coming in,
00:21:11and good news,
00:21:11he actually thinks you look like
00:21:13a professional basketball player.
00:21:14Isn't that great?
00:21:16Does that mean I get the loan?
00:21:17What?
00:21:18No.
00:21:18God, no.
00:21:19Not even.
00:21:20Were you serious about that?
00:21:21No.
00:21:21You have no assets to speak of,
00:21:23besides the size of your balls
00:21:25for even asking for that amount of money.
00:21:27But look, okay,
00:21:28I understand.
00:21:30All right?
00:21:30You're desperate, right?
00:21:31Everything's falling apart.
00:21:33If I can offer you some advice,
00:21:35get the fuck out of my office.
00:21:39Being on a reality show
00:21:40was not at the top of my list.
00:21:42The last thing I wanted to do
00:21:43would share my reality with anyone,
00:21:45but Jack Guy was paying
00:21:46a thousand bucks up front,
00:21:47and that bought me more time
00:21:49with my landlord.
00:21:51I wouldn't say we made it,
00:21:53but we made it through.
00:21:55We just had moose to make,
00:21:57and we made him, dude.
00:21:58I wouldn't say we made it,
00:22:00but we made it through.
00:22:02We just an idiot.
00:22:03Yo, Mookie,
00:22:04you owe me ketchup, dude.
00:22:05A full bottle ketchup.
00:22:07No, no, no, no.
00:22:08No, no, no.
00:22:11How nice of you, man.
00:22:14But we made it through.
00:22:15Hey, good morning, dumb bell.
00:22:18Check out the new unis.
00:22:20Not bad, huh?
00:22:22Three minutes late,
00:22:23you get the sleeves.
00:22:25So what do you think?
00:22:27You don't waste any time.
00:22:29Yep.
00:22:32Dreams do come true.
00:22:33Hey.
00:22:38I'm glad you didn't
00:22:39pull LeBron on his teammate.
00:22:42That's me.
00:22:44Go team.
00:22:45Come on.
00:22:46Day one of the rest of your life.
00:22:48Let's do this.
00:22:48Let's do this.
00:23:03Small.
00:23:07Thank you, Jack Guy.
00:23:20Really?
00:23:22Fuck.
00:23:25Now we're gone.
00:23:27What's wedding problem?
00:23:40That's 20 bucks on me.
00:24:03This better be good shit.
00:24:05Since when do you get to the gym during serious training hour?
00:24:12We're filming a show, aren't we?
00:24:15Since when do you want to do the show?
00:24:17Bobby, stop talking to me.
00:24:22Oh.
00:24:24What are you oh-ing about?
00:24:26A little thing for Jack's niece, huh?
00:24:28So, I guess you made up with my uncle.
00:24:33Hi.
00:24:34Hey.
00:24:36Wow.
00:24:37Uh...
00:24:38You look...
00:24:43Fit.
00:24:44Alright, but this is awkward.
00:24:45I'm gonna go shoot glutamine in my ass.
00:24:49So, you're the Chris Long.
00:24:52You didn't think I'd figure it out, did ya?
00:24:55I didn't really take you for the basketball thing.
00:24:59Wait, basketball?
00:25:00No, I was referring to the fish.
00:25:02It was signed with Chris Long.
00:25:06The painting.
00:25:07Right.
00:25:08Yes.
00:25:09Duh, me.
00:25:10I'm impressed.
00:25:11You were able to read my signature.
00:25:13Most people tell me it just looks like a sea and a star.
00:25:17Why didn't you say anything?
00:25:19Oh, I...
00:25:20You seem so happy.
00:25:22Who was I to interfere?
00:25:24Right?
00:25:25I can't believe you painted that.
00:25:27It's so...
00:25:28Cute.
00:25:30Well...
00:25:31Well, thank you.
00:25:32I'm, uh...
00:25:33I'm glad that you, uh...
00:25:34Shh.
00:25:35Do you mind?
00:25:36What?
00:25:37That you stole my painting or that you renamed Belvedere?
00:25:39Okay.
00:25:42Good morning, everyone.
00:25:43Welcome to the Dumbbells Experience.
00:25:46We're gonna have a lot of fun today.
00:25:48But first, I'd like us all to give a big, warm Dumbbells welcome
00:25:52to our very own Dumbbell Girls.
00:26:05And I'd also like us to give a big hand to our very acclaimed directors,
00:26:08famous for his award-winning short, I think it's HPV,
00:26:12Mr. Sterling Leboeuf-Jones.
00:26:15I'm pretty sure this guy doesn't realize he's in America.
00:26:25Thank you, Sterling.
00:26:26So now we're gonna do a little B-roll.
00:26:29So please, do me a fave.
00:26:30Just pair up.
00:26:31Work out.
00:26:33And most importantly, just mingle.
00:26:35Pretend like we're not even here.
00:26:37But it is television.
00:26:38Mm-hmm.
00:26:39So remember, it's all about looking hot.
00:26:41Mm-hmm.
00:26:42But please, don't sweat.
00:26:45Okay, let's do this.
00:26:46Dumbbell team's out.
00:26:47We're partners, right?
00:26:52And then I discovered what I loved was psychotherapy.
00:26:59Psychotherapy?
00:27:00Yep.
00:27:01I'm gonna be a therapist.
00:27:04Really?
00:27:05What?
00:27:06You sound surprised.
00:27:07No, it's just kind of funny because people are always telling me that I need therapy.
00:27:12Great stuff.
00:27:13Keep going.
00:27:14I love the honesty.
00:27:18Physical therapy.
00:27:20I mean, uh, and that is why I work out here.
00:27:26Let's get some bells!
00:27:29Can you believe this shit?
00:27:32Yeah, it's a total exploitation of women.
00:27:35I'm talking about Chris.
00:27:36Oh.
00:27:37He's actually talking to her as if she's a person.
00:27:40Oh, really?
00:27:42You obviously don't like talking about basketball.
00:27:44So what I want to know is other than adorable fish, what else do you paint?
00:27:48I, uh, I don't really paint that much anymore.
00:27:51You're good.
00:27:52Keep at it.
00:27:55Are you drinking soda?
00:27:56Are you out of your fucking mind?
00:27:57I don't put that shit in my body.
00:27:59I'm downing some cock.
00:28:01Cellular oxygen creatine.
00:28:02A liquid formula that triples my amino acid circulation while quadrupling my recovery time by five.
00:28:07Plus it tastes like cherries.
00:28:09Yeah, well, it's the captain of the gymnastic squad.
00:28:15I'm gonna get a quick drink from the water fountain.
00:28:17Alright.
00:28:18Okay, so I'll be right back.
00:28:19Okay.
00:28:20Oh, uh, did you drop to me?
00:28:33How's the date going?
00:28:35It is not a date.
00:28:36It looks like a date from over here.
00:28:38It is not a date.
00:28:40Just tell her how you feel.
00:28:44Hey.
00:28:45Why is only one of your pits Niagara falling?
00:28:50Okay.
00:28:52Are we ready for the exciting time of the show?
00:28:55Gather out, gather out.
00:28:57You could be something to all these people.
00:28:58Keep your voice down, okay?
00:28:59We are still shooting.
00:29:00Namaste.
00:29:01I can't have cameras rolling 2580.
00:29:02But the gym's only open from like 6 to 9.
00:29:03You guys ready to meet your celebrity host?
00:29:04Come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:29:05All right.
00:29:06Now this is a personal friend of mine, and he just happens to be one of the iconic sex symbols
00:29:11of our era.
00:29:12Is it Brad Pitt?
00:29:13No, no.
00:29:14Oh my God, is it Matthew McConaughey?
00:29:17Is it Matthew McConaughey?
00:29:18No.
00:29:19I'll call in.
00:29:20Will you shut the fuck up, people?
00:29:21Let me do this, all right?
00:29:22Come on.
00:29:23Come on.
00:29:24Come on.
00:29:25Come on.
00:29:26All right.
00:29:27Now this is a personal friend of mine, and he just happens to be one of the iconic sex
00:29:32symbols of our era.
00:29:33Is it Brad Pitt?
00:29:34No, no.
00:29:35Oh my God, is it Matthew McConaughey?
00:29:36No.
00:29:37Oh my God, is it Matthew McConaughey?
00:29:39No.
00:29:40I'll call in.
00:29:41Will you shut the fuck up, people?
00:29:42Let me do this, all right?
00:29:43Come on.
00:29:44Okay.
00:29:45Drum roll, please.
00:29:46Come on.
00:29:47All right.
00:29:48With great pleasure, I would like to introduce the one, the only...
00:30:05the fabulous audio!
00:30:09Well done.
00:30:10Yes!
00:30:11Yes!
00:30:12Yes!
00:30:13Yes!
00:30:14I'm fucking stoked!
00:30:16Have you tried his protein powder?
00:30:21It's fucking fantastic.
00:30:35No?
00:30:36Yes!
00:30:37Yeah!
00:30:38Yes!
00:30:39Yes!
00:30:40Yes!
00:30:41No, no.
00:30:42Come on.
00:30:43Miss me!
00:30:44You!
00:30:45Yes!
00:30:46Yes!
00:30:47Yes!
00:30:48Yes!
00:30:49Yes!
00:30:50Yes!
00:30:51Yes!
00:30:52Yes!
00:30:53Yes!
00:30:54Yes!
00:30:55Yes!
00:30:56Yes!
00:30:58so what'd you do do you try rehabilitating it or something I did I did and it was going really
00:31:19good too I was making really good progress at some of the best physical therapists there were
00:31:24the Miami Heat even invited me to their summer league wow that's amazing I mean the truth is
00:31:32I was never better than 50 percent after my injury
00:31:37it's crazy how life takes us in directions we least expect huh tell me about it hey dirt face
00:31:49some icky blonde tramp just threw up in front of my salon and we can hear your music blasting
00:31:56Ivana listen okay I know when you were a little brat your dad gave you all the puppies and ponies
00:32:02you wanted but in the adult world you can take a time out well time fucking in mister it wasn't a
00:32:10pony it was a stallion and his name was francer and he was perfect and now he's dead so fuck you
00:32:15this computer's like 70 years old let's get out of here who's your mother
00:32:23and this is the point in the story where I realize I haven't been this happy in a really long time
00:32:33turns out Jack Guy's not so bad after all Jim's busier than ever and dare I say I'm smitten
00:32:41are you kidding me
00:32:48hello
00:32:49hey Chris it's Kimmy miss me of course you do oh my gosh daddy and I just got
00:33:11back from San Tropez you would not believe it I am so tam but like perfect not too
00:33:15tan because that's gross it's like the best skin color ever
00:33:18you okay yes I'm fine
00:33:34you don't sound fine I'm fine
00:33:41I know that look what's your name
00:33:49okay I know what to do
00:33:56get comfortable
00:34:02what are you doing
00:34:04bro therapy saved my life
00:34:08what is with everybody I don't need therapy
00:34:15she said she love me she said she loves me
00:34:20guess what Kim I don't want to play in the NBA anyway you materialistic fuck
00:34:25if she loves me then why did she leave
00:34:28why don't you go wipe your teeth again why don't you throw up that hamburger in the toilet
00:34:32again you didn't think I could hear it I can hear it every time
00:34:35didn't even say goodbye
00:34:37she left a note it wasn't even grammatically correct
00:34:41and you know what else that painting that I did for you guess what it was runner up in the Santa Monica Amateur Art Festival
00:34:48two years in a row bitch
00:34:50I guess what bothers me the most is obsessively pondering over what I could have been
00:34:55my true potential
00:34:57an NBA star
00:34:58league MVP
00:35:00happily married to Kim
00:35:02or anything other than what I am now
00:35:05Chris
00:35:07sometimes we need to lose everything that we think we want
00:35:10in order to discover who it is that we really are
00:35:13that's deep
00:35:15it's a magnet in my refrigerator
00:35:18$4.95 I can show you the place where I get them
00:35:21they're amazing
00:35:22she told me if I pass the exam I could work for her father's real estate company
00:35:27$75,000 starting salary
00:35:32she goes on a retreat and now all of a sudden she appears
00:35:37I mean where's she been and why do I still give a shit
00:35:40if you didn't give a shit you'd be just like her
00:35:44be thankful
00:35:45you know what you're right
00:35:47you're absolutely right
00:35:49don't beat yourself up pal
00:35:51that injury is probably the best thing that could happen to you
00:35:57that injury saved your life
00:36:00I don't need her and I don't need her daddy's money
00:36:05I've got things going on in my life
00:36:08I've got
00:36:09I've got Jack Guy
00:36:11that's right brother
00:36:12I've got dumbbells 25-8 right
00:36:15you know Jack
00:36:18I am feeling really good right now
00:36:22and you know I don't know if it's just the 14 energy drinks but my knee feels amazing
00:36:28I mean look at this
00:36:30everybody should try therapy once huh
00:36:34hey don't mess did you forget to lock the door last night
00:36:39I was a little tipsy
00:36:42wait do you hear music
00:36:44is that music?
00:36:45I used to think maybe you love me
00:37:04Do you love me? Now, baby, I'm sure...
00:37:07Good morning!
00:37:12Who wants breakfast?
00:37:15Ready to drink?
00:37:18Hey, there he is!
00:37:22Day two, baby!
00:37:24Ready to do this, buddy?
00:37:26Nice wheels!
00:37:29Hey, Jack.
00:37:31Hey, something wrong?
00:37:32I've been an a-hole.
00:37:34A jerk, to both of you.
00:37:37And I want you to know that I think you're both equally amazing.
00:37:43These were my issues that I was dealing with.
00:37:47The checkbox, you asshole.
00:37:49Come on. Really?
00:37:51There must be some mistake.
00:37:53Fabs, you know I'm good for it.
00:37:54Listen, don't call me Fab. It's Fabio.
00:37:56Fabio.
00:37:58Eo.
00:37:59Fabio.
00:38:00Yeah, Fabio.
00:38:01Eo.
00:38:01Yeah, Eo. Eo, you idiot.
00:38:03Btdubs.
00:38:04Btdubs.
00:38:07I like Rachel.
00:38:08There, I said it.
00:38:09I don't even care if she's standing right behind me.
00:38:11I like Rachel.
00:38:12I...
00:38:13really...
00:38:14like...
00:38:15Rachel.
00:38:16I like Rachel.
00:38:17She's smart.
00:38:18Funny.
00:38:19Flexible.
00:38:20I might try poking her later.
00:38:22Facebook-wise, of course.
00:38:25Saul, call me back for the fourth time.
00:38:28Where the hell are you?
00:38:29I've got a huge problem.
00:38:30I'd rather have to stick with her.
00:38:34What's wrong?
00:38:37Fabio quit.
00:38:42Oh...
00:38:42Why?
00:38:43Because he's a dick.
00:38:45And the check I wrote him bounce.
00:38:47Probably didn't help.
00:38:49Oh.
00:38:50I mean, I've got my money manager on it, but what it means is I've got everybody here,
00:38:54but I've got to send them home and still pay for it.
00:38:57You should host the show.
00:38:58You're always doing modeling campaigns.
00:39:00You're used to being in front of a camera.
00:39:02Why don't you do it?
00:39:04Come on, buddy.
00:39:05You can host this show.
00:39:06Hell, you threw 28 touchdowns in a single game.
00:39:09That was in a season.
00:39:12That does make more sense.
00:39:16Yeah.
00:39:17I kind of thought it was bullshit when I first heard about that.
00:39:20But that's irrelevant, okay?
00:39:22Because you did rush for 300 yards with the stomach flu on a bad ankle, did you not?
00:39:27How do you even know that?
00:39:29I Googled Facebook, MySpace, Wikipedia, and Twittered you.
00:39:32Plus, you told me last night right before we power-napped.
00:39:38We're all looking through the point of view of our own reality tunnel, man.
00:39:41And every reality tunnel is different.
00:39:45You know, Wikipedia says that Fabio's protein is better than water.
00:39:49Yeah.
00:39:50All right.
00:39:51All right.
00:39:52All right.
00:39:53All right.
00:39:54All right.
00:39:55All right.
00:39:56Oh, but it's blue, you didn't live it, but it's blue, you'll be better, you'll be better, you'll be better, you'll be better.
00:40:01Oh, drink in the morning, I don't know why I justify it, but I even need to have a reason.
00:40:06Smoke in the morning, I know I'll let it take a time to live, I'll let them do it in an evening.
00:40:12I can't always be a role model.
00:40:14You did it with my lashes, made my eyes pop. Perfect. I love that.
00:40:18Good.
00:40:19Ready to roll, Sterling?
00:40:20Ready to roll, Sterling?
00:40:21Ready to roll.
00:40:22What's going on? Why is Jack getting concealer applied? His skin is perfect.
00:40:28I use a lot of cleanser, that's what keeps my skin smooth.
00:40:31Fabio Cuit, Jack's the host, and Gris, he's a fucking alien.
00:40:35Hey, Jack.
00:40:36What?
00:40:37Odd Todd, what's up?
00:40:39I was trying to upload the footage to your Mac from yesterday, like you told me, but for some reason it doesn't seem that the footage actually recorded.
00:40:48What?
00:40:49What?
00:40:52Sterling, just hold on for a second, all right?
00:40:54How is that possible? I mean, how could that be?
00:40:5932 gigabytes of beer.
00:41:09I don't know.
00:41:11Sterling, did you know about this?
00:41:14What?
00:41:15I don't understand one fucking word you're saying.
00:41:29Does anyone here speak idiot?
00:41:31What?
00:41:33Just fuck it.
00:41:33You know what?
00:41:35You need something done, right?
00:41:36You got to do it yourself.
00:41:37Just roll, Sto-Ann.
00:41:38I'm ready to go.
00:41:39Let's do this.
00:41:44Fucking bitch.
00:41:45Are you the owner of this establishment?
00:41:47I am.
00:41:48I'm with the Department of Health.
00:41:50And pardon the pun.
00:41:52But you need to get your shit together.
00:41:59Have a nice day.
00:42:06On.
00:42:07Zone.
00:42:08La.
00:42:09Action!
00:42:09Hello, America.
00:42:19We're in the gym.
00:42:2328-5.
00:42:2620-25.
00:42:2925 dumbbells.
00:42:3025-8.
00:42:33Is it fitness center?
00:42:34Or is it gym?
00:42:38Is it gym?
00:42:39Okay.
00:42:40Uh.
00:42:41But.
00:42:42I can't.
00:42:42I can't work like this.
00:42:44This is impossible.
00:42:45Hello, America.
00:42:55To be or not to be.
00:42:58That is the question.
00:43:01Ah, shit pancakes!
00:43:03You gotta be shitting me right now.
00:43:05This is my fucking opportunity.
00:43:07Son of a bitch!
00:43:09Motherfucker!
00:43:10Everything's okay.
00:43:15It's just a coincidence that all my checks are bouncing.
00:43:18Son travels a lot.
00:43:19It's always hard to get a hold of.
00:43:20Uncle Jack?
00:43:22Hello, Rachel.
00:43:24Are you okay?
00:43:25Just having a few communication issues.
00:43:28You know what I just thought of?
00:43:30Why don't you call Adriana?
00:43:33She would make a perfect host.
00:43:35That's a great idea.
00:43:38Yeah, Adriana.
00:43:40Adriana left me five months ago.
00:43:44Oh.
00:43:47Is this Octorian related?
00:43:50Octorian?
00:43:51He was in a cult for 20 years.
00:43:54What?
00:43:55Catholicism?
00:43:56No, they worship star Octoris.
00:43:59Oh, they worship the star Octoris.
00:44:03Of course.
00:44:04But he escaped.
00:44:07Hey.
00:44:09Yes, he did.
00:44:12Yeah.
00:44:12Oh!
00:44:13Look at that!
00:44:14Things are looking brighter already.
00:44:16See that?
00:44:17Literally brighter.
00:44:18And there he goes, folks.
00:44:20Money manager Saul Rosenblatt Steinberg is being indicted on accusations of running a Ponzi scheme
00:44:26involving some of Hollywood's biggest names,
00:44:28many of whom are linked to the alleged cult known as Arcturian lifestyles,
00:44:33which was first exposed by famous model and former member Jack Guy,
00:44:37who was also a victim in this tragic turn of events.
00:44:40Jack Guy had his demons too, like all of us.
00:44:51And she had never loved me.
00:44:54She said she did, but she didn't.
00:44:55She went away in a photo shoot.
00:44:58She never even came back.
00:45:00I didn't join the cult, mother.
00:45:03No one joined the cult.
00:45:05I was brainwashed.
00:45:07She told her it was some German photographer with a ponytail.
00:45:09They told me I was saving the world.
00:45:12She said sign here.
00:45:13You'll help save the world.
00:45:15I signed.
00:45:16What would you do?
00:45:17Dirk.
00:45:18Dirk the jerk.
00:45:20Did I answer your question?
00:45:22Yes.
00:45:22Yes.
00:45:23I did think the spaceships were coming.
00:45:26I guess what bothers me the most is that no one ever seems to take me seriously.
00:45:31I mean, even in the cult, my nickname was dipshit.
00:45:35Therapy did the trick again, but the truth still remained.
00:45:38Jack Guy was flat broke, and now he couldn't pay his landlord.
00:45:43Once again, I'm really, really sorry.
00:45:47But in light of everything that's happened, unless some sort of miracle occurs,
00:45:54I strongly encourage all of you to explore other employment opportunities.
00:45:58Three days of working here and you get us shut down?
00:46:01She's pregnant.
00:46:11You are the best, best, best, best.
00:46:15Chrissy Poo, I love you.
00:46:17You are perfect in every way.
00:46:19Except for one itsy-bitsy, teeny, little, tiny thing.
00:46:24Loser.
00:46:26You're a fucking loser!
00:46:28Loser!
00:46:29Don't be so emotional, Chris.
00:46:31Loser!
00:46:32Loser!
00:46:33You're an art major.
00:46:35Loser!
00:46:36This is not my life.
00:46:38Loser!
00:46:39This is someone else's life.
00:46:41This is someone else's life.
00:46:41This is someone else's life.
00:46:42This is someone else's life.
00:46:46We take the underprivileged kids that I work with to the park to get some outdoor activity.
00:47:02I was thinking, maybe you could come by and show them some basketball moves or something.
00:47:13Yeah, that sounds awesome.
00:47:22You're early.
00:47:24I figured I could use some practice.
00:47:30Let's play some basketball.
00:47:32I figured we'd have to eat, right?
00:48:00Check it out.
00:48:01Hey, boo-boo!
00:48:02I got this picnic basket from the park ranger myself, boo-boo!
00:48:07Yogi Bear!
00:48:11Okay, let's eat!
00:48:12First up, my famous homemade macaroni salad.
00:48:15Chris.
00:48:16Next up is a 1981 bottle of Merlot given to me by my great-grandmother over a decade ago for a special occasion.
00:48:24And lastly for dessert, peach and raspberry cobbler pie.
00:48:31Oh, I'm sorry.
00:48:35Oh, I'm sorry.
00:48:36You wanted to say something.
00:48:37I...
00:48:38If you're such a superstar player, how come you can't dunk?
00:48:42Well, I actually used to be able to dunk pretty well back in the day, so...
00:48:46I still don't think you can.
00:48:49Seriously, Manny, I got ten baseball cards that says you can't.
00:48:56Ooh!
00:48:57Alright, okay.
00:48:58Let's be nice.
00:48:59Manny!
00:49:00Manny!
00:49:01Manny!
00:49:02Manny!
00:49:03Manny!
00:49:04Manny!
00:49:05Manny!
00:49:06Manny!
00:49:07Manny!
00:49:08Manny!
00:49:09Manny!
00:49:10Manny!
00:49:11Manny!
00:49:13All right, Chris!
00:49:14Chris.
00:49:15Chris!
00:49:17Chris!
00:49:18Chris!
00:49:20Chris!
00:49:22Chris!
00:49:23Chris!
00:49:24Please, God, don't make me look stupid in front of Rachel and all these kids.
00:49:25Chris!
00:49:27Chris!
00:49:28Chris!
00:49:29Chris!
00:49:30Chris!
00:49:31Chris!
00:49:32Chris!
00:49:33The one who was a boy who felt like whatever he did
00:49:38Wasn't good enough, he was different than every kid
00:49:41The way deep down inside there was a genius within
00:49:44And his heart was a goal and hope was eager to win
00:49:46He was so sick and tired of all these people sleeping on him
00:49:49Though he was conquered, got attacked by the eagles again
00:49:52And his family's poor, he swore he would feed them again
00:49:54But on his way out there goes the grim reaper again
00:49:57They put him in the Coliseum to be food for the lions
00:50:00But he cut right through him like the man on fire
00:50:03Hey baby, huh? I got back early
00:50:05What's going on?
00:50:08Look at you, you look, uh, healthy
00:50:11What's up with all the rugrats, huh?
00:50:14Wow, Chris, I'm really sorry, I never saw that one coming
00:50:18Yeah, me neither, Manny
00:50:20Me neither
00:50:22Is this like a charity thing or homeless people thing?
00:50:30Yes, no, that's, hey, that's fair
00:50:33You know, that's how you feel
00:50:34So, yes, for sure
00:50:36Okay, see you at lunch
00:50:37All right, well, uh, listen, uh, that was my boss
00:50:42And, uh, he saw you coming in
00:50:43And good news, he thinks you look like a movie star
00:50:46Yeah, an action hero
00:50:47Hi-yah!
00:50:48G-g-g-g-g-g-g
00:50:50Hello, Daddy, I love you
00:50:53Stop
00:50:54So, does that mean I have the loan?
00:50:57No, oh God, no
00:50:59No, in fact, I believe his words were
00:51:02Get him out of my building
00:51:03I'm not really sure
00:51:04Because when he gets angry, he yells in Korean
00:51:06Which is weird
00:51:07Because he's from Europe
00:51:08Alone
00:51:09No, that's
00:51:10No, you're not even close
00:51:11To getting a loan
00:51:13Uh, you have no assets
00:51:14To speak of
00:51:15Like, whatsoever
00:51:16It's, uh, it's kind of embarrassing
00:51:18Actually, a man of your age
00:51:19In fact, you owe a ton of people
00:51:20A ton of money
00:51:21So, let's hope they're not Italian
00:51:23Chris
00:51:25Chris, wait up
00:51:27Chris
00:51:28Yeah, what's up?
00:51:29I'm sorry
00:51:30Look, I meant to tell you
00:51:32Don't be silly
00:51:32Look, it's totally cool
00:51:33I just, uh, what time is it?
00:51:35I promised a friend that I would, uh, help him move today
00:51:37I gotta, I gotta get to Ikea
00:51:39Chris
00:51:40It's totally cool
00:51:41You're engaged
00:51:41Not a big deal
00:51:42I mean, he looks like a successful guy
00:51:44Chris
00:51:44Look, I, I just came to help you with the kids, right?
00:51:46Hey
00:51:46You ready?
00:51:49It was nice meeting you, Cliff
00:51:50Yeah, you too
00:51:52Excuse me
00:51:52Yeah, no
00:51:54I took care of that
00:51:55I swear to God
00:51:57You'd call me again like that
00:51:58No, just make the deal
00:51:59I'm sorry
00:52:03What were you saying?
00:52:05It was nice to meet you
00:52:06And by the way
00:52:07He thinks we're gonna reach you out
00:52:08You know
00:52:09I know those semen demons
00:52:10Can be a handful, right?
00:52:11Yeah
00:52:12By the way
00:52:13Which one's your chariot?
00:52:16You mean my car?
00:52:17Exactly
00:52:17Yeah
00:52:18Okay, um, yeah
00:52:19Well, you know
00:52:19I actually walked
00:52:20Because it was such a nice day
00:52:21So
00:52:22I'm gonna go
00:52:23With a fucked up knee like that?
00:52:25I call bullshit
00:52:25And she calls shotgun
00:52:26Get in
00:52:27Huh?
00:52:28Where's Manny?
00:52:30Who?
00:52:31Manny?
00:52:32You can give me a handy later
00:52:33Let's go
00:52:34What the fuck is that?
00:52:54Fucking pterodactyl
00:52:56Oh, please
00:52:58Oh, please
00:52:58Wait, wait, wait
00:53:00Wait
00:53:01Hold on
00:53:01Hold on
00:53:02Hold on
00:53:02Move on
00:53:02Come on
00:53:02Come on
00:53:03Come on
00:53:03You are a total fuck-up.
00:53:29I'm tired of your resistance and your incompetence.
00:53:33The end of days is upon us.
00:53:35The spaceships are coming and you shall learn your lesson!
00:53:39No! No! Not there! Anything not there!
00:53:50You're evicted.
00:53:52It hurts me, bro. I'm sorry.
00:53:55Can I borrow your Titanic DVD?
00:53:58Are you serious?
00:53:59Smells good in here, man.
00:54:01You still owe me sleepless in Seattle.
00:54:03That was yours? Get out of here.
00:54:04I gave that back to you.
00:54:05You did not give it back to me.
00:54:06Say it. I gave that back to you.
00:54:07You did not give it back to me, dammit.
00:54:08I'll get it back to you.
00:54:09Yeah.
00:54:32Carol, look!
00:54:33Surprise!
00:54:34What?
00:54:35What are you doing here?
00:54:49What do you mean, what am I doing here?
00:54:53I've come back to you.
00:54:55Kim, you should go.
00:55:05Why?
00:55:06Chris, I know that you think I wasn't very nice to you in the past, but we were kids then.
00:55:18$100,000?
00:55:19Uh-huh.
00:55:20Oh, okay.
00:55:21All right, Kim, Kim, Kim.
00:55:22I need to know.
00:55:23What?
00:55:24Why now?
00:55:25Why not now, Mortney?
00:55:26No, why now?
00:55:27All of a sudden, do you want to be with me?
00:55:28Chris, I've always loved you.
00:55:29And when you got hurt, I was scared.
00:55:31Jack?
00:55:44Jack?
00:55:45Ah!
00:55:46Shit!
00:55:47Oh, my God.
00:55:49Holy pigeon shit.
00:55:50Here's to two hearts becoming one.
00:55:53My beloved, Kimmy, and Chris.
00:55:54Salute.
00:55:55Cheers, sir.
00:55:58and Chris. Salute. Cheers sir. Here we are princess. Fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free vegan lettuce
00:56:08cups minus the rice and the oil which I'm sure is much tastier than the chef always makes it.
00:56:14Is that corn? Yes. No. It is not. It is. It is or isn't? It is. If I'm being truthful about it. It is corn. It is. It is corn.
00:56:34There you go. That's bad. Daddy? Daddy? I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible person and I will go improve myself around the corner.
00:57:00How difficult is it for this restaurant to get it right?
00:57:16So as you can see the living room is very spacious. Well I see that there's a pool but where is the tennis court?
00:57:25We were told this property has a tennis court. Where do we go when the servants are cleaning the house?
00:57:35There's a ping pong table in the basement. How dare you? I have not been practicing my backhand for nothing.
00:57:43And why is there so much furniture in this room? Well ma'am sometimes we give prospective buyers an idea of what it will look like once they move in and furnish the uh...
00:57:51It's a pretty shitty trim. Who did it?
00:57:58Jack?
00:58:02Jack who? Is he in the union?
00:58:08He's speaking to you dim wit.
00:58:12I'm sorry. I'm suffering from explosive diarrhea. I will be right back.
00:58:17Oh!
00:58:19I suggest you take a shit!
00:58:28Jack?
00:58:30Call me Lone Star. Lay low.
00:58:32Lone Star?
00:58:34Yeah.
00:58:36That's what you want me to call you?
00:58:37Yeah.
00:58:38Lone Star?
00:58:39Yeah.
00:58:40That's what we're going with.
00:58:41Absolutely.
00:58:42Sure.
00:58:43What's up Lone Star?
00:58:44I can't let you do this.
00:58:46Do what?
00:58:47This.
00:58:48Look at you.
00:58:50Look at me.
00:58:52Jack, look at-
00:58:53Lone Star.
00:58:54Lone Star.
00:58:55Look.
00:58:57At you.
00:58:58You don't think I look good as a brunette?
00:59:00I think it brings out my eyes.
00:59:03Jack.
00:59:04Lone Star.
00:59:05Lone Star.
00:59:06You look insane.
00:59:07This.
00:59:08Is.
00:59:09Insane.
00:59:16Bianca.
00:59:17Bianca, where are you?
00:59:18You've got to see this.
00:59:19You're not going to believe this.
00:59:20Bianca!
00:59:21Bianca!
00:59:22He said-
00:59:23Oh.
00:59:24Look, I'm happy right now.
00:59:25Okay?
00:59:26I've got my life together.
00:59:28Uh, I've got money.
00:59:29I can pay my rent for the first time.
00:59:31And I don't even know how long.
00:59:32Kim and I are happy.
00:59:34Things are great.
00:59:35Oh, everything's great, huh?
00:59:36Oh, come on.
00:59:37Open your eyes.
00:59:38Is this really what you want?
00:59:40You are a foul, loathsome young man.
00:59:44Loathsome!
00:59:45I'm going to call your office and file a complaint!
00:59:52She had the nerve to say this is a basketball expert
00:59:55that my uncle sent here to help us today.
00:59:57I mean, it was so...
00:59:59I looked like a fool, Jack.
01:00:01Lone Star.
01:00:02Lone Star.
01:00:03I completely misread the entire situation.
01:00:05You didn't misread anything.
01:00:06Her lame old fiancé, Clay,
01:00:08the guy's been playing with her for years.
01:00:10Don't you see?
01:00:11Clay is Rachel's Kim.
01:00:12The guy is always away on business trips,
01:00:14coming and going like the breeze.
01:00:16The poor girl's been left feeling lonely, confused and sad.
01:00:19Look, he's not the right guy for it.
01:00:21We've all known that.
01:00:22But Rachel didn't realize it until she met you.
01:00:24She said that?
01:00:27Not exactly, but I know that's what she thinks.
01:00:30Jack!
01:00:31Lone Star.
01:00:32Lone Star!
01:00:33The cult tried to kill my dreams.
01:00:34I'm never going to let anybody ever do that again.
01:00:36Don't give up on Rachel, buddy.
01:00:38And more importantly, don't give up on yourself.
01:00:40You deserve better than this.
01:00:42You deserve better than this.
01:00:43This...
01:00:44Sheep!
01:00:45Vile, vile, vile, vile!
01:00:48This isn't your life.
01:00:51This is somebody else's life.
01:00:53Wow, Jack.
01:00:54This is...
01:00:55Freakishly good.
01:00:56One good thing about being in the cult.
01:00:57Planning to take over the world every day makes you very meticulous and a great strategist.
01:00:59Apparently.
01:01:00Oh!
01:01:01You know what else we should do?
01:01:02We should do a whole grassroots social media marketing campaign.
01:01:03Alright, let's get to work.
01:01:04Alright, let's get to work.
01:01:05Let's get a little more comfortable here.
01:01:09Chris.
01:01:10Kim.
01:01:12That's all.
01:01:13Dude, she is hot.
01:01:14She's not helping me.
01:01:15Oh, you're not helping me.
01:01:16And you're not helping me.
01:01:17Yeah.
01:01:18Yeah.
01:01:19Yeah.
01:01:20All right, so we can help me.
01:01:22Hey, you're...
01:01:23I'm sorry.
01:01:24Oh, I'm sorry.
01:01:25Oh, I'm sorry.
01:01:26Oh, I'm sorry.
01:01:27I got that.
01:01:28I'm sorry.
01:01:29At the end of the day.
01:01:31Oh, I'm sorry.
01:01:32You're not helping.
01:01:34I'll help you out front.
01:01:36Be strong.
01:01:42Who was that? And what were you two doing?
01:01:44Just my friend Lone Star.
01:01:48Daddy's waiting. Okay.
01:01:50Kim.
01:01:56I'm leaving.
01:01:57I know. We have to go.
01:01:59No, I'm leaving alone.
01:02:02We're not driving to Daddy's separately.
01:02:05I'm not going to Daddy's.
01:02:07Okay, this, us, it's over.
01:02:11Your jokes aren't even funny.
01:02:13Goodbye, Kim.
01:02:17Oh, God. Is this you being emotional again?
01:02:19Don't be so emotional, Chris.
01:02:22You're an art major.
01:02:24You're delusional.
01:02:26Wake up.
01:02:29You know what, Kim?
01:02:33I'm a Cancer.
01:02:35And we are emotional,
01:02:36art majoring,
01:02:38empathetic,
01:02:39fish painting motherfuckers.
01:02:42Have a great life.
01:02:44Oh.
01:02:46And you wake up.
01:02:48God, I feel amazing.
01:02:49I feel like I could climb a mountain or something.
01:02:54Why are we in a Prius?
01:02:55I thought you had a Lamborghini.
01:02:56I had to downsize for the mission.
01:02:57Oh.
01:02:58Wait, where are we going?
01:02:59Page two.
01:03:00Step one, blue highlight.
01:03:01Payback.
01:03:02You want me to pretend to be your lawyer?
01:03:04Oh, yes.
01:03:05Oh, no.
01:03:06Those fuckers took six million from me.
01:03:07We need that money to save the gym.
01:03:08You gave a cult?
01:03:09Six million dollars?
01:03:10Are you out of your mind?
01:03:11Listen, I was a light being investing in the Star of Taurus.
01:03:13Plus, they told me it was a write-off.
01:03:14Look, Jack.
01:03:15Lone Star, Lone Star.
01:03:16Look, I can't do this.
01:03:17I'm sorry.
01:03:18It's too much.
01:03:19I'm sorry.
01:03:20I can't.
01:03:21We have all the power.
01:03:22Just play the role.
01:03:23It'll be a good job.
01:03:24It'll be a good job.
01:03:25Oh, no.
01:03:26Wait, where are we going?
01:03:27Page two.
01:03:28Step one, blue highlight.
01:03:29Payback.
01:03:30You want me to pretend to be your lawyer?
01:03:31No, yes.
01:03:32Oh, no.
01:03:33Those fuckers took six million from me.
01:03:34We need that money to save the gym.
01:03:35You gave a cult six million dollars?
01:03:37Are you out of your mind?
01:03:38Listen.
01:03:39I was a light being investing in the Star of Taurus.
01:03:40Plus, they told me it was a write-off.
01:03:42Just play the role, it'll be fine.
01:03:46I did take an acting class back in college.
01:03:48Perfect.
01:03:50What do I call myself?
01:03:51I don't want them knowing my real name.
01:03:54Ronald. Ronald McDonaldson.
01:04:02Okay, you ready?
01:04:04What are we doing in the dentist's office?
01:04:07Think about it, that's how they get you.
01:04:09Everybody needs to get their teeth cleaned.
01:04:29Ron?
01:04:30Ron?
01:04:38Yes, that's me, Ron.
01:04:40Uh, Ron.
01:04:41Ronald, we need to help you.
01:04:42C'mon.
01:04:43Oh, I'm funny.
01:04:44Ah!
01:04:47Oh, I'm sorry.
01:04:48Oh, I'm scared.
01:04:50I'm scared.
01:04:51It was murderous, but it's not very awful.
01:04:54I'm scared, I'm scared.
01:04:55Instead, he was scared.
01:04:56I'm scared.
01:04:57I'm scared.
01:04:58Exactly.
01:04:59I'm scared.
01:05:00But the heck, it's going to have a gun.
01:05:02It's going to have a gun.
01:05:03I'm scared.
01:05:04And it's going to have a gun over here.
01:05:05I was scared.
01:05:06I'm scared.
01:05:07I'm scared.
01:05:08Oh, ah!
01:05:09Ah!
01:05:10Ah!
01:05:29Arkaturian Lifestyles, this is Venus. How can I help you?
01:05:38Ah!
01:05:53Have a seat.
01:06:03Hello, benevolent leader.
01:06:05You dare bring an outsider in here, dish it?
01:06:08I just want to say that I don't, I don't judge, I don't believe in judging others based on their personal views.
01:06:13I actually, I used to have a shaved head back when I swam, made me more aerodynamic.
01:06:19This right here is my lawyer, your worst nightmare.
01:06:25Hey, uh, I, I am his lawyer. My name is Ronald McDonald, son. I mostly do, um, pro bono work downtown.
01:06:31Just pretend he's Ken.
01:06:32All right, motherfucker. I want you to listen, and I want you to listen really good.
01:06:37Your organization owes my client a part of my son, and I want you to listen to him.
01:06:41Pro bono work downtown just pretend he's can
01:06:56All right motherfucker, I want you to listen and I want you to listen really good
01:07:02your
01:07:04Organization owes my client upwards of six million dollars
01:07:10My client has suffered from anxiety
01:07:14depression
01:07:15Erectile dysfunction and I've got that last problem and I will not stop until justice has been upheld my bald friends
01:07:26Are you dentists familiar with the iPhone audio recorder app?
01:07:32Well lucky for me my client was during your little routine kidnapping. We remember that do you chuckle?
01:07:39Because I do
01:07:41Behold evidence a
01:07:53Just give it to me just give it to me behold evidence a
01:07:58A
01:07:59To
01:08:02No, no not the hair anything but the hair
01:08:07Ghou
01:08:11Go, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat!
01:08:18Diamants are curious.
01:08:20Fuck this goat.
01:08:22Front floor.
01:08:23Oh, yeah.
01:08:28Oh, and, by the way, that is not the only copy of that recording.
01:08:35I've got that shit on my iCloud.
01:08:40Six.
01:08:40$6,000.
01:08:46Yeah, baby!
01:08:47Boom!
01:08:48Take that to the bank, dick chits.
01:08:51For the record, I didn't fuck that gun.
01:08:54Oh, and Jack, please don't try to play matchmaker with Rachel.
01:08:57She's engaged.
01:08:58Not anymore.
01:09:06It's like the band's back together.
01:09:07Huh?
01:09:10Hey, are you sure you're invited here?
01:09:16Yes, I'm sure.
01:09:17Relax.
01:09:18Are you positive?
01:09:19Trust me.
01:09:21Hey!
01:09:21Oh, look.
01:09:22Yes, now that works.
01:09:24That suits you.
01:09:26Speaking of bands, Jack's hair?
01:09:28Fucking perfect.
01:09:30Look at it.
01:09:31I just hope Bon Jovi has good news because we couldn't find anywhere that was hiring.
01:09:36We're saving up for Akita.
01:09:38That's a great vehicle.
01:09:39Hey, well, listen, I gotta rally the troops.
01:09:41I'll talk to you in a little bit, okay?
01:09:42All right.
01:09:44Bon's way better.
01:09:45Oh, yeah.
01:09:48Hey.
01:09:49Hey.
01:09:50How are ya?
01:09:51Great.
01:09:52Thanks for coming.
01:09:54Of course.
01:09:54Gotta support my uncle, right?
01:09:58Right.
01:09:58Look, I'm sorry for everything.
01:10:02No, no, don't be sorry.
01:10:04Water under the bridge.
01:10:06Okay, everyone.
01:10:08Welcome back, everybody.
01:10:11I'd just like to say it's fantastic to see you all back in your uniforms again.
01:10:15And I know that we've had some bumps in the road.
01:10:18We've come up with a three-part plan.
01:10:21Todd, hand out the binders.
01:10:22Now, when I escaped, I knew that I would have to face the leader once more.
01:10:31Escape.
01:10:32The leader?
01:10:36He's wrong.
01:10:36That's right.
01:10:39I was, uh, I was in a cult for 20 years.
01:10:44And I'm not ashamed.
01:10:46And I'm not hiding anymore.
01:10:48In fact, I'm not only fighting back, but I'm taking those mind-sucking, alien-loving parasites down.
01:10:55I won't stop until I retrieve the $5,994,000 that they still owe me.
01:11:01They will be begging me for mercy across the universe.
01:11:05The name Jack Guy will cause fear in the hearts of every Octarian.
01:11:12Yes, Bobby?
01:11:13So, you want us to help you take the cult down to get your money back to save this gym?
01:11:20No, no, not at all.
01:11:21I was just venting.
01:11:22It's a really important part of the healing process.
01:11:24My therapist says it's vital.
01:11:26Uh, I think what Jack is trying to say is that after my injury, I started to play the victim in life.
01:11:34And I was acting as if life robbed me of something that I deserved.
01:11:39And I quit.
01:11:41On myself.
01:11:43But I'm tired of sitting on the sideline.
01:11:46I'm ready to get back in the game.
01:11:48And I'm ready to play some ball.
01:11:49And what I want to know is who wants to play some ball?
01:11:53Bobby, yes.
01:11:54So, you want us to join a basketball league?
01:12:01No.
01:12:01No.
01:12:02I think what Chris and Jack are trying to say is if we worked as a team, we could turn Dumbbell's business around and save everyone's job.
01:12:14Oh.
01:12:16Isn't that what he said?
01:12:17I only want to be with you for X amount of days.
01:12:22With no case and no chaser.
01:12:25No one can replace it.
01:12:28I just want to be with you.
01:12:30Lately, I'm zoning.
01:12:31Lately, I know where I'm going.
01:12:32Taking whatever control is.
01:12:34Show me opponents.
01:12:35Show me opponents.
01:12:36I got a gift and I'm fine.
01:12:37I own it.
01:12:38Yeah, yeah.
01:12:39We came a long way.
01:12:40And that's what the songs say.
01:12:42And I could do all things.
01:12:43Hey.
01:12:44Hi.
01:12:45Wow, you look beautiful.
01:12:50Can I steal her for a minute?
01:12:53Sure.
01:12:55Thank you, Missy.
01:12:58Hey.
01:12:59Any bats in the cave?
01:13:02You're clear.
01:13:03You know, I'm really glad you and I teamed up, Chris.
01:13:06Holy Valkyrie on Blu-ray.
01:13:07Is that Tom Cruise?
01:13:08Sometimes you just gotta say, what the fuck?
01:13:11Make your move.
01:13:12Woo!
01:13:13Woo!
01:13:14Uh, no.
01:13:16Actually, that is not Tom Cruise.
01:13:18That is Tom Cruise.
01:13:19See this quote I'm wearing?
01:13:20The truth is, it doesn't matter.
01:13:22Perception is reality.
01:13:25Help me help you.
01:13:27Help me help you.
01:13:29Help me help you.
01:13:31Hey, guys, a real-life Hollywood producer just gave me his card.
01:13:36He said I had a dynamic look and wants to make me a star.
01:13:38Awesome.
01:13:39Congrats, buddy.
01:13:41Talk to you soon.
01:13:42He reminds me of a young Macaulay Culkin.
01:13:44Okay, so I haven't told today, but we're having twins.
01:13:48What?
01:13:49Oh, my God, congratulations.
01:13:51Thank you so much.
01:13:52I'm so excited.
01:13:53I think you're gonna be the cutest mom ever.
01:13:54Bye.
01:13:55It's kind of crazy to think that I wanted to quit not even a month ago, huh?
01:13:58Yeah, well, we all want to quit at one time or another.
01:14:01The important thing is to hang in the game, because tomorrow always brings another surprise.
01:14:06Think about my wig.
01:14:08It looks exactly like your real hair.
01:14:11It's kind of weird.
01:14:12Speaking of surprises, that is for you.
01:14:15What's this?
01:14:16I was able to salvage the footage from the reality show.
01:14:19I edited it together.
01:14:20Added effects, cool transitions, graphics, the whole nine.
01:14:24Wow.
01:14:25How'd you learn to do that?
01:14:26I was an art major.
01:14:28Very cool.
01:14:29Did you know we already have 42 new members?
01:14:35Are any of them rich men?
01:14:36Just a little don't be a slow.
01:14:41Well, things are looking pretty good right now, huh, Todd?
01:14:45Yeah.
01:14:46You guys did a really good job at this place.
01:14:48My dad couldn't do this.
01:14:50He said I sucked.
01:14:51He sucks!
01:14:51I am sorry to interrupt, Buzz, but if I may cut in.
01:15:01Well, I was just going to ask her to marry me, but it wouldn't work out.
01:15:05Be free.
01:15:05Shall we?
01:15:15Liars.
01:15:17Well, congratulations on a very, very successful party.
01:15:24You boys sure have come a long way.
01:15:27Well, we've been doing a lot of according.
01:15:31According?
01:15:32I believe it was Sigmund Freud who said man should not strive to eliminate his complexes,
01:15:38but to get into accord with them, for they legitimately direct his conduct in the world.
01:15:44Wow, I am an impressed.
01:15:49You like that?
01:15:50Yeah.
01:15:50You didn't see that one coming, did you?
01:15:51I did not.
01:15:53I have you to thank.
01:15:54And for what?
01:15:56For everything.
01:15:59Are you getting emotional on me?
01:16:03I'm sorry, that's lame, isn't it?
01:16:06Are you kidding me?
01:16:09I don't know one girl who wouldn't love a man who's in touch with their feelings.
01:16:14And I wanted to say, yeah, thank you for respecting my boundaries.
01:16:24I love respecting your boundaries.
01:16:37My pursuit of happiness wasn't about finding somebody new to love.
01:16:41It was about learning how to love myself again.
01:16:42We've all got our demons, but with a good support system, it's amazing what can happen.
01:16:46Look who's got it all on camera.
01:16:49You adorable lovebirds.
01:16:51This is perfect.
01:16:53Chris, they're playing your DVD on the projector.
01:16:55Everyone loves it.
01:16:56You gotta come check it out.
01:16:58Sorry for C-blocking, man.
01:16:59Cash, cash, cash, it's back, baby.
01:17:02And I was singing, oh, so I got it, so I got it.
01:17:06Oh, feeling no pain, this batter's up, swinging hard, cause I'm feeling the game.
01:17:12Hey, Jack.
01:17:15Hey, the loose.
01:17:16You guys made it.
01:17:17Gavin, Joe, how are you guys doing?
01:17:19Fine.
01:17:20Good to see you.
01:17:20You told us you're having a party.
01:17:21Oh, I'm glad you guys can make it.
01:17:23You having some fun?
01:17:24Yeah, we're having fun.
01:17:25Unfortunately, we're in a big rush.
01:17:27Our helicopter's picking us up in five.
01:17:29We came here to pitch you something.
01:17:30We're branching out of Vegas now.
01:17:32We're producing television content.
01:17:34And we were looking at the footage over here and thought that premise rocks.
01:17:38I mean, we love the name.
01:17:39It'd be a reality show, or I'm thinking even franchising.
01:17:43Let's talk more on Monday.
01:17:44We'll discuss the details.
01:17:45Absolutely, huh?
01:17:47Yeah.
01:17:47All right.
01:17:48All right.
01:17:48Okay.
01:17:48Okay, guys.
01:17:49All right, Jack.
01:17:50Sorry you got to leave.
01:17:52So do I believe in second chances?
01:17:54Hell, I believe in third and fourth chances.
01:17:56Jack Guy credited my video with landing the franchise deal.
01:18:00So he gave me equity, part ownership of Dumbbells, the brand.
01:18:04In life, we get multiple chances.
01:18:06So don't beat yourself up if a career didn't work out, or if you were in a failed relationship,
01:18:12or if you were in a cult that believed in the alien takeover.
01:18:15The point is, perception is reality.
01:18:18And it's never too late to reinvent yourself.
01:18:22And Jack Guy was right.
01:18:24Sometimes you do need to lose everything you think you want to discover who it is that you actually are.
01:18:29And I must admit, it feels really good to say, this is my life.
01:18:39And even more importantly, no mohawk.
01:18:44When you're feeling right.
01:18:46When you're feeling right.
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