- 16 minutes ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01And that was Rob Jason Donovan with too many broken hearts.
00:05Remember this? Remember the pressure?
00:10Zip it, Gabby Davis. You're talking over Sonia.
00:13Play and record. Together.
00:15Don't get the DJ in.
00:19Got it.
00:21That was close.
00:24Christine, I had to show you before the party.
00:27New Raspberry range.
00:29They have never done colours like this before. Stunning.
00:32You going door to door? Someone's desperate for commission.
00:35I'm not doing this for commission, Christine. I'm doing it for you.
00:37I've seen the inside of your fridge.
00:39Chicken drumsticks sat on the shelf without so much as a bit of cling round it.
00:42Why are you sniffling round my fridge like a truffle pig?
00:44Anyway, I've got plenty of Tupperware.
00:46Oh, pink?
00:48Raspberry range. About a 12-inch.
00:50Compartments.
00:52The dips.
00:53We need this.
00:55I was thinking of inviting Jez Saturday night.
00:58Bit of a welcome to the close.
00:59What's that bloke want with the Tupperware party, Christine?
01:01Well, just thought he seems quite...
01:04organised.
01:05Well, he might be, but this is a night for the girlies.
01:07I'm going.
01:08Just thought it might be nice to invite him.
01:10Christine, us ladies don't have much in this world, yeah?
01:13But these...
01:14These airtight stackable containers in an assortment of colour, shapes and sizes.
01:18These are ours.
01:19Yeah.
01:20We're storing more than nibbles in there.
01:22We're storing love.
01:24Hopes and dreams.
01:26Plains and...
01:27Oh, God, it was just a thought.
01:29And anyway, he seems quite flush.
01:30He might have had a big order.
01:31Will I pop round and show him now?
01:32But he's not coming Saturday.
01:34Ladies night.
01:35And me?
01:36As I said.
01:37Oi!
01:38Dad's on the telly!
01:39Has a run of bad results affected the team's morale?
01:42Well, er...
01:43No-one wants to lose that many games in a season.
01:4622.
01:48But...
01:49Let's not forget we did well last season.
01:52We've got form.
01:53We've just got to find it again.
01:55How are the boys feeling?
01:56My boys know they have my unconditional support.
01:59We've just got to keep working.
02:00Think you've worked hard enough today?
02:02I'll let you get home.
02:03No need.
02:04There's nowhere I'd rather be.
02:05Oh, charming.
02:07Trolled by my dad and on regional TV.
02:14Hi, love.
02:16Did you watch it?
02:17Look East?
02:18Yeah, I did.
02:19How did I come across?
02:20Yeah, good.
02:21Really good.
02:23It's just...
02:25Sometimes the way you talk about the players,
02:27you're boys, there's nowhere you'd rather be.
02:30Well, I think it upsets Alan a bit.
02:32What do you mean?
02:33Well, you've got two boys at home.
02:35Oh, give over.
02:36It's totally different.
02:37I just think you can make more of an effort.
02:39Especially with Alan.
02:40I'm always making an effort.
02:42I watched that detective woman cycling around with a typewriter.
02:46Murder, she wrote.
02:47Murder, she wrote.
02:48I don't know what she was writing.
02:49But I watched a double bill last week for his birthday.
02:52His birthday's in June.
02:53Is it?
02:55Oh, that little...
02:56Graham!
02:57It's a two-way street.
02:58Now, he doesn't bother with me.
02:59I don't bother with him.
03:00We're both happy with that.
03:07Florence Nightingale was not just a nurse.
03:10My own dad didn't want to spend time with me and Angela called me a woman.
03:15But with double history, I could lose myself in ruffs and muffs.
03:19Alan, could you read Ms Nightingale's quote for us?
03:22The lady with the lamp.
03:26There she is.
03:30Isn't she just?
03:31Ugh, being camp's like having B.O.
03:34The more you flap your arms around, the worse it gets.
03:37I needed to mask it.
03:39And quick.
03:41Mr. Alvarez, is he free?
03:43I free!
03:45Oh, how about I try a spritz of odour sport?
03:52Christine, don't look now.
03:57But he's just picked up chute.
04:02He's reading chute.
04:04What is this, spring watch?
04:06I didn't tell him to, he just went for it all by himself.
04:09Should I go in and talk to him?
04:14Maybe just let him get his bearings first, yeah?
04:19No, no, no.
04:23Oh, Jeremy.
04:25Christine.
04:26Is there a chance that Alan's available tomorrow?
04:28Pip went over on her ankle and we need someone for our country dancing event.
04:31I know it's last minute, but no-one do-si-dos quite like Alan.
04:35Look, I don't think you'll have to ask him twice.
04:37Oh, that is music to my ears.
04:39Alan, Mr. Butterworth's here.
04:40What's a word?
04:42There he is.
04:44My hero.
04:45You wouldn't step in last minute, give us a couple of square sets tomorrow.
04:48Is this the devil himself tempting me?
04:50I love country dancing!
04:51No.
04:53He's playing hard to get.
04:54Alan, go and get your anki.
04:55I'm busy tomorrow.
04:56Since when?
04:57I'm going to watch The Cobblers with my dad.
04:59What?
05:00Are you?
05:01Oh, I...
05:02You'll have to try someone else.
05:03What about Felix?
05:04He loves country dancing and he makes his own costumes.
05:07I tried, but he changed his name after the smear campaign.
05:10He's in a safe house in Rushton.
05:12Oh.
05:13Come on!
05:14Pop those plimsolls on for us!
05:16Look, Mr. Butterworth, he said no.
05:18And he's going to watch the football with his old man like every other boy his age.
05:21And he can find some other clown.
05:22This time tomorrow, I will be chanting on the terraces for my team against...
05:28New Clown again?
05:29Preston.
05:30Away.
05:31Preston away.
05:32Away?
05:33Yeah.
05:34Yeah, we're going to have to stay over.
05:36M6 on a Saturday.
05:37Forget it.
05:38I'm going to miss my Tupperware party.
05:41Right.
05:42Is everybody here?
05:43Here, Mum.
05:44Cafe.
05:45Cridge.
05:46That's it.
05:47Where's the dude?
05:48It's on my back.
05:49Let's go.
05:50Oi, oi.
05:51Don't forget about little old me.
05:52What are you doing here?
05:53I'm getting on the party bus, son.
05:55It's not a party bus.
05:56It's a team bus.
05:57Christ's sake, Nick.
05:58This game's important.
05:59I got a free pass.
06:01The wife's in hospital for a week and I want to sample everything that...
06:05Where are we going?
06:06Preston.
06:07Away.
06:08And I want to sample everything that Preston Away has to offer.
06:12Is that booze in that carrier?
06:15No.
06:16The lads need to focus.
06:17I promise you, Grey, you will not hear a peep out of me.
06:21Right.
06:26Right.
06:27Let's go.
06:28I've got three copies of Razzle and 200 Lambert and Butler duty free.
06:31Who's with me?
06:34Read your book.
06:35This was it.
06:36Quality time.
06:37Just me, my dad and all his other boys.
06:40His goalie, his strikers and those ones that hang around in the middle.
06:43It's the cobblers.
06:44They're just cleaners.
06:45Northampton town.
06:46Go on.
06:47Go on.
06:48It's the cobblers.
06:49Come on.
06:50Come on.
06:51Come on.
06:52Come on.
06:53Come on.
06:54Come on.
06:55Come on.
06:56Seeing my dad get abused reminded me of school, but he didn't have a kindly dinner lady to
07:09come to his aid.
07:10Come on.
07:11Come on.
07:12Come on.
07:13Come on.
07:14Come on.
07:15Come on.
07:16Sit down, Adam.
07:17Sit down, Adam.
07:18Thanks for that.
07:19Come on, Adam.
07:20Sit down, Adam.
07:21Sit down, Adam.
07:22Sit down, Adam.
07:23Come on.
07:24Thanks for that.
07:25Come on.
07:26Come on.
07:27Showtime.
07:28All right.
07:29Come on.
07:30Showtime.
07:31You're out of the car.
07:32You're fat.
07:37Right.
07:38Leave the nipples out.
07:39I'll check the score.
07:40Ah.
07:41See facts.
07:42Come on, Northampton.
07:44Come on.
07:46Instant information.
07:47Well, if you were prepared to wait 15 minutes for the page to turn.
07:52Gary, you got me ashtray?
07:53I know.
07:54And you better not be eating those crisps there for tonight.
07:57Hurry up.
07:58Well, come on.
07:59Hurry up.
08:00Quick.
08:01It's the next one.
08:08Come on, man.
08:09Get stuck in.
08:10Come on!
08:14Dad.
08:15Yeah.
08:16Let's just go home.
08:17We're not coming back from free now.
08:19You might as well let bargains be bargains.
08:21How do you grab your spans?
08:22What are you talking about?
08:23Sit down, Adam.
08:25Right.
08:27Sudd this for a game of monkeys.
08:28Er, I'll see you in the bar.
08:30Come on, I get it!
08:31Alfie!
08:32Get a left box on the yellow card.
08:34Get it in his face.
08:35Wind him up.
08:36Blime, you losers!
08:38That's Santa!
08:39Oh, shut up!
08:47Oh, they got another one.
08:49Gosh.
08:504-0.
08:51He is not going to be happy.
08:53Oh.
08:54Feels wrong having a party after that, doesn't it?
08:57Should we cancel it?
08:59Do you think we should?
09:00Oh.
09:01But we've got all the stuff now.
09:03No.
09:04You know what?
09:05Your dad would want us to have a good time.
09:07He would.
09:08He'd say,
09:09You go and enjoy yourselves.
09:10Don't you worry about me.
09:13But if he asked, we cancelled it.
09:15Oh, that was awful.
09:20I've had it all booing.
09:23Man.
09:27Now I've got to spend a night in this dump.
09:36What is that?
09:37Portable potpourri.
09:38It's an essential.
09:39You never know when you might need to mask the smell of...
09:43feet.
09:46I need a beer.
09:47I'll get my wallet then.
09:48Oh, no, no, no.
09:49No, you're all right.
09:50I'll, er...
09:51I'll get one with the lads.
09:52Well, I'm one of your lads tonight, aren't I?
09:55We're meant to be spending quality time together.
10:01Yeah, we are.
10:02We are.
10:03Right, so, I've prepared 20 questions.
10:06I thought we could fill it out together, compare and contrast.
10:09So, question one...
10:11Oh, this is really long.
10:12But, er, no, no, you're right.
10:15It'll be good to, er, to catch up.
10:17You know, find out who your favourite female historical figure is.
10:22Er, I'll, er, I'll fill it in at the bar and, er, I'll see you down there.
10:26Yeah.
10:27All I needed was the love you gave.
10:28All I needed for another day.
10:29All I ever knew.
10:30Only you.
10:31Only you.
10:32The perfect size for those on-the-go snacks.
10:34Gary, you're blocking my products, thank you.
10:35A handful of walnuts in there.
10:36A few cubes of cheese.
10:37Yeah.
10:38You could fit two quarters of a sandwich top to toe.
10:39No, you couldn't.
10:40Yes, you could.
10:41Yes, you could.
10:42Ladies, you open a packet of hobnobs.
10:43But you only want one.
10:44Who has one?
10:45You can have a pack of stale hobnobs on your hands.
10:46Or are you?
10:47Simply decant those hobnobs into a medium-sized table.
10:48You can have a pack of stale hobnobs on your hands.
10:49All I ever knew.
10:50All I ever knew.
10:51Only you.
10:52The perfect size for those on-the-go snacks.
10:53Gary, you're blocking my products, thank you.
10:54A handful of walnuts in there.
10:55A few cubes of cheese.
10:56You could fit two quarters of a sandwich top to toe.
10:57No, you couldn't.
10:58Yes, you could.
10:59Ladies, you open a packet of hobnobs.
11:02But you only want one.
11:03Who has one?
11:04You can have a pack of stale hobnobs on your hands.
11:06Or are you?
11:08Simply decant those hobnobs into a medium-sized tub.
11:11Place the lid on like so.
11:13And they'll be keeping their crunch till Christmas.
11:16She's never getting a sandwich in there.
11:17I'd book your sandwiches, Marion.
11:18I'm talking about a bit of ham and lettuce,
11:19not a bloody rump steak.
11:20Anne, do you need to be on my puff for this?
11:22Smacked finish on the lids, ladies.
11:23I'd be feeling that, Christine.
11:25And you, Marion.
11:28Oh, that is smooth.
11:31Smoothing it.
11:32Smooth, that.
11:33Question.
11:34No, you can't store wine in them.
11:36I've already got the ones with the red and the white lids.
11:39Yeah.
11:40What's the best deal you could do me for the blue?
11:42Now we're off, ladies.
11:43I know it sounds silly, but red, white and blue just makes me feel patriotic.
11:46Do you know what, Christine?
11:48I do you two for one on the blue and I throw in a lemon squeezer.
11:51Have I got myself a deal?
11:54Deal.
11:55That is our first sale of the night, ladies.
11:58Oh, and you know what?
12:00Put me down for a round one.
12:02Because that would come around if I need to store something round, wouldn't it?
12:04Can you get your fingers out of that, please, Marion?
12:06You're making it all greasy.
12:07Do you know where that top would look good?
12:09Your bedroom floor.
12:10I've heard it.
12:11No.
12:12On a silky padded hanger.
12:14That's where I made my first meal.
12:16Silky padded hangers.
12:21Here's my card.
12:23You're a millionaire.
12:24What are you doing in this dump?
12:25I'm looking for a wife.
12:30I can see you're very excited to be the next Mrs Chalmers.
12:33So I want you to hold on to that thought while I go and siphon the python.
12:38Ah, another round for the lads, please, love.
12:45And one for yourself.
12:46And some crisps.
12:48Not that they deserve it.
12:50Poor bloody Nell.
12:51Aw, don't be too hard on them.
12:55Well, it's not just pints you're pulling in here.
12:58They keep putting the crisps too low.
13:01I have to bend down to get them.
13:04I have told them to move them, but...
13:07I think they should keep them where they are.
13:10I'm phoning them.
13:11What?
13:12No!
13:13No!
13:14It's just a bit of banter.
13:15It's just...
13:16Why?
13:17No.
13:18She started it.
13:19No, I'm going to phone Mum, see how the party's going.
13:22Oh, great.
13:23That's great.
13:24Dying to know if she's found anything for her milk, love.
13:27Sobacca to keep moist.
13:35You all right, Christine?
13:36Yeah.
13:37Just...
13:38Just missing my Alan a bit.
13:40Where is he?
13:41Brownies.
13:42No, he's impressed him with his dad at the football.
13:44Staying overnight.
13:45They're not back till tomorrow.
13:46Well, Christine...
13:48Why didn't you say?
13:50Three words, ladies.
13:52P-I-P-I-D.
13:54You're outrageous!
13:56While the cat is away, the mask will slip into something more comfortable.
14:01Check out the quality of that pussycat bow, Diane.
14:03Does it wash?
14:04Does it?
14:05It's 100% polyester, that.
14:08New one.
14:09Deviled egg!
14:10Very delicate cup.
14:11Gary!
14:13Bed!
14:14What about eggs?
14:15Show us that.
14:16Tell me everything.
14:17Who made the guest list?
14:18Oh, hello, love.
14:19You ain't missing a thing.
14:20Really boring.
14:21Proper damp squib.
14:22Sounds it.
14:23Oh, I wish I was there with you.
14:24Oh, I know, darling, I know.
14:25Listen, I saw the result on C-Fax.
14:26How is he?
14:27He's not himself.
14:28No.
14:29I bet he needs a cuddle.
14:30So that's what he needs.
14:31You know what?
14:32We're finishing up now, so...
14:33I'm going to give you a ring before I go to bed.
14:34Stop that.
14:35What's your room number?
14:36Number?
14:37He's barely got a dough.
14:38Never mind a number.
14:39All right then, darling.
14:40All right, see you later.
14:41Bye, Mum.
14:42I could hear in her voice she'd bought that raspberry Tupperware range.
14:46Will that woman ever learn?
14:47Oi, Oi!
14:48Oi!
14:49Oi!
14:50Oi!
14:51Oi!
14:52Oi!
14:53Oi!
14:54Oi!
14:55Oi!
14:56Oi!
14:57Oi!
14:58Oi!
14:59Oi!
15:00Oi!
15:01Oi!
15:02Oi!
15:03Oi!
15:04Oi!
15:05Oi!
15:06Oi!
15:07Oi!
15:08Oi!
15:09Watch this, boys!
15:11Fire in your holes!
15:13Boom!
15:15Because it was a grenade, wasn't it?
15:17Did you see it?
15:18I clocked it and had it out.
15:19Because instead of saying fire in the hole, I said fire in your holes.
15:24Like in the bum.
15:25Boom!
15:26Let's get the party started, eh?
15:27I've had a drink.
15:29Let's just go to bed.
15:31Oh, pipe down, Adam.
15:32You're spoiling the move.
15:34I'll take him up to bed.
15:36Oh.
15:37Only if you tuck me in after.
15:39Oh, God.
15:40This is getting very unsavoury.
15:42If I play my cards right, Adam.
15:44If I play my cards right.
15:46If I play my cards right.
15:48I'm trying one down here.
15:50Over your nipples, unless you're buying pink.
15:52Oh, God, I'm trying to do it.
15:55Oh.
15:56Look out.
15:57Oh.
15:58Oh, God, I'm trying to do it.
16:00Shh!
16:01It's The Beast.
16:02All right, hang on.
16:07Yeah?
16:11I look nice on you, Chris?
16:12We're just trying on some bits.
16:14Go on, Nigel. Take them with you.
16:18Bloody hell, Chris.
16:20Actually, Nigel, can I have them back?
16:22No.
16:23I told you, Nigel, no boys allowed!
16:26Well, it sounds like you need a man in there to pin your girls in check.
16:29Well, if you know of any big, strong boys... Oh, God.
16:32Maybe it's time to let the fox into the chicken coop.
16:36What?
16:39No, no. No, Nigel, we've got to go.
16:42We've got bin bag Diane.
16:44She's stuck in a corset and we've got to cut her out.
16:46OK, well...
16:48I was just checking in.
16:51OK, I'm off.
16:54I can see your eyes through the letterbox, Nye.
17:00Right, I'd like to buy a drink for the best footballers in the league.
17:06When they get here.
17:09Alan, they're in Alan. Alan Carr.
17:11Adam Carr.
17:12Yeah, I'm Alan.
17:13I'm Alan.
17:14I'm Alan.
17:15I'm Alan.
17:16I'm Alan.
17:17I'm Alan.
17:18I'm Alan.
17:19I'm Alan.
17:20I'm Alan.
17:21Ma'am?
17:22Oh, he's borrowed me.
17:23It's not...
17:24It's not a witch's.
17:25Gary?
17:26I can't.
17:27I can't.
17:28I can't.
17:29I can't.
17:30What's all that noise?
17:31What's going on, Matt?
17:32I'm drinking tisana for a vase.
17:34How are you doing that?
17:35Are you topping me?
17:36Help me.
17:37You're locked today.
17:38Gary.
17:39Oh, I wish you'd have won, Alan.
17:40Look, you tried your best and that crowd was harsh.
17:46You're not fair.
17:47Just a little bit chunky.
17:48Oh, fair's fair.
17:49You know, the fans pay their money.
17:50They see their team giving us a good kicking, they're going to want to celebrate.
17:53You can't take it personally.
17:54I mean, you can't but you do...
18:12It's funny, I've always wanted you to be a footballer.
18:21you to be a footballer, but I'd hate for you to be called some of the names that I get
18:25called. I mean, I can handle it, you know, I've got a thick skin, but you, you, you
18:33can't, no. I get called names all the time in school.
18:51What is he doing? He's, er, he's showing her his padded hangar.
19:01Oh. Dad? Yeah? What did that man say?
19:06What man? You know, at the football match when he got promoted.
19:10I know it's over a year ago, but I've always wanted to ask. What did he say?
19:16Well, you know, there's a lot of people at a football game. Alan, can't remember them all.
19:24No, but you punched him. I saw you, we scored, and then you punched him.
19:31What did he say that was so bad? Was it, was it something about me?
19:37I don't remember, son. Get some sleep.
19:46Yeah, I, I do remember him. That man.
19:54You know, I shouldn't have punched him. I know that, but...
19:58What he said, erm...
20:03Couldn't have it. Alan, I couldn't have him talking about you like that.
20:08Oh, saying you were a...
20:16Oh, I can't even say it.
20:17At least my son's not gay!
20:19Sticks him in throat.
20:26All right, turn your own man soft here.
20:29I wanted to apologise, which is...
20:32gnawing feet.
20:33What do you say? Feet?
20:35Yeah, it does smell like feet. It's like sleeping in a moccasin.
20:45Good night, son.
20:49Night, Dad!
20:50Sweet dreams, kiddo.
20:51Nothing united the UK more than a telephone.
20:59Everyone mucking in, trying to raise money for the less fortunate
21:03by humiliating yourself in front of your neighbours.
21:06Even celebrities came down from their ivory towers
21:09to show us they were just like us.
21:11Telephones were brilliant, but completely bonkers.
21:14Oh, love, drop this in to Mary. She's knitting a blanket for Africa.
21:19They'll have to be massive.
21:21Ma!
21:22Yes, I'm here.
21:23What took you so long?
21:26Right, here.
21:29That's not going to touch the sides.
21:31Alan, I bought every tin they had. I didn't know you'd need this many.
21:33I need photographic evidence.
21:35No-one is going to care. You're in a bar for beans.
21:38I'm supposed to be up to me neck.
21:40Poor kids could be eating these. You'd be better off donating them.
21:42Well, I can't now, can I?
21:44This is disgusting, Alan.
21:47Both of you, down the wings at the same time.
21:50Sign that.
21:51What?
21:52Sign that.
21:54It's for charity, for the telethon.
21:55Geoff Capes is doing a raffle for Anglia TV.
21:58It's going to get spicy.
21:59Here, get Banjo to sign it and all.
22:02Quick, quick.
22:03You ever held a pen before?
22:05That's it. Good boy.
22:06No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
22:09No-one wants you on the ball.
22:10They'll want the manager, sure.
22:12No-one cares about the manager, Grey.
22:15Why are you signing it?
22:16I'm just ejecting a bit of personality, aren't I?
22:19Give that to Wingnut when he's off the bogs.
22:21Cheers, Grey.
22:28I'd want you on my ball, Gaff.
22:30Thanks, Alfie.
22:33Oh, and you ain't got a few tins of beans if you were in a right state.
22:39I didn't know things were that bad.
22:41If your cupboards are bare, you can always send the boys to me for a feed.
22:45We'll say nothing of it.
22:46Me casserole is too casserole.
22:48Oh, for God's sake.
22:49We're just doing a bath of beans for charity.
22:50Well, we're trying.
22:51We're about 20 tins short.
22:52That's why we're in.
22:53Charlie's doing a camp out Saturday.
22:55Yeah.
22:56Nigel's digging a fire pit as we speak.
22:57Careful you don't fall in.
22:58Just whatever you can afford.
23:00Charlie's raised 78 pounds so far.
23:02Yeah, 30 quidder.
23:03That's from you.
23:04He's having a camp out.
23:05Load of mates coming round for the telethon.
23:07Oh, which mates?
23:08Michael Godgen.
23:09Bradley.
23:10Who else?
23:11Jake.
23:13Jake!
23:14Maybe Alan could camp out instead of the beans.
23:16Oh, well, that's very...
23:18You'd like that, wouldn't you, with the boys?
23:20Oh, no.
23:21Not with Charlie.
23:22He's done enough of charity already.
23:24No, no, I meant maybe Graham could put a tent up in your garden.
23:27If he's got time.
23:28Of course he has.
23:29Yeah, we might do that.
23:31No, no, no, no, we will not.
23:33I'm watching the telephone.
23:35Oh, and Kay's staying over.
23:36Christine.
23:37I'd never let Charlie have a girl stay over.
23:39That flies round muck.
23:41Well, Alan and Kay are very sensible.
23:43Well, I suppose it's easy to trust them when they look like that.
23:45Alan respects girls, Ange.
23:46They learn from their fathers, don't they?
23:48Right.
23:49Come on, Alan.
23:50Let's dig that tent out.
23:51It'll be an adventure.
23:52So, the sleepover.
23:53Are you sure you don't want me to bring anything?
23:55No.
23:56Just yourself.
23:57I'll pack out some light bites.
23:59And are you sure you're all right sleeping outside?
24:01It's a tent, Alan, not a kennel.
24:03So, I will have to ask my mum, but I'm sure you can.
24:14I'd love to.
24:15Not.
24:16Rather sleep in a bin.
24:17Thank God.
24:18You did give me a no.
24:19She gave me a no.
24:20Why would I want to hang out with them two?
24:21You literally asked them if you could go, you idiot.
24:22Yeah, I'm the knob.
24:23I'm the knob.
24:24They've got eight eyes between them.
24:25Well, they can see you're an idiot then.
24:26Er, settle down, please.
24:27Ignore.
24:28Ignore her.
24:29I always do.
24:30I think it sounds like a laugh, Alan.
24:31I love a light bite.
24:32I'd go.
24:33Er, settle down.
24:34How do we go?
24:35I don't want to do that.
24:36I'd rather sleep in a bin.
24:37I'd rather sleep in a bin.
24:38My God.
24:39You did give me a no.
24:40She gave me a no.
24:41Why would I want to hang out with them two?
24:42You literally asked them if you could go, you idiot.
24:43Yeah.
24:44I'm the knob.
24:45They've got eight eyes between them.
24:46Well, they can see you're an idiot then.
24:47Er, settle down, please.
24:49Ignore her.
24:50I always do.
24:53I think it sounds like a laugh, Alan.
24:55I love a light bite.
24:56I'd go.
24:57Er, settle down.
24:58Had all the girls in the class sipped on a love potion?
25:03I was irresistible.
25:05Right.
25:07Er, no.
25:08You forget, don't you, when you haven't done it for a bit.
25:12It'll all come back.
25:13You'll see.
25:14Ah, dib-dib-dab and all that.
25:16Let me read that.
25:17Ah, don't, er...
25:19Don't need that.
25:21My dad could build an 11-man, goal-scoring, league-winning team from scratch.
25:27A two-man tent.
25:28Forget it.
25:36Tom's come to help, and he's bought his flash tent.
25:38All right.
25:39Yeah.
25:40Heard you're over the edge flapping about.
25:41God, you must think we're incapable.
25:43We?
25:44No, I can, er...
25:46I can do it.
25:47I've just been distracted thinking about the game.
25:49Oh, yeah, yeah.
25:50Look, you do what you need to do.
25:51It's fine.
25:52Right, let's get this up.
25:53Oh, all right.
25:54Right.
25:55Thank you for coming over.
25:58Right.
26:00I mean...
26:01I can do it.
26:02Er...
26:03Er...
26:05Yeah.
26:06Bye.
26:08See ya!
26:09It's a proper tent.
26:10Yeah, it is.
26:11Very nice.
26:12It's a palace.
26:13I said to him, make him suffer a bit.
26:15Oh, yeah, they will.
26:16It gets freezing in the early hours.
26:18I mean, we really have to snuggle up.
26:22Do you, erm...
26:23Do you camp out a lot then?
26:25Yeah.
26:26Yeah, we do.
26:31It's not always easy...
26:33booking things, holidays, when you're...
26:37when you're a bus.
26:38No.
26:39No.
26:40Look, I didn't like to assume.
26:43Christine, I was blaring Nana Muscuri White Rose of Athens
26:46at full blast this morning.
26:48The signs were all there.
26:50I think I can get used to this.
27:00Wish we had a telly in here.
27:03Imagine a little telly that you could carry around with you.
27:06Not everyone's obsessed with telly, Alan.
27:08Oh, but they would be if they had one of those.
27:10Nothing else would get done.
27:13I wonder how the boys over the road are doing.
27:18Lucky they got Jake.
27:20He's very outdoorsy, isn't he?
27:21He doesn't even wear a coat during winter, just his burgundy fleece.
27:27I think he and his brother did Venture Scouts growing up.
27:30He could probably rub two stones together to make a fire.
27:32He's very dexterous.
27:34Isn't he?
27:35So dexterous it makes you sick.
27:38Bet you wish it was even here right now, don't you?
27:41Not really.
27:43Do you?
27:44Alan?
27:45Your friend's here.
27:46Georgie?
27:48Did you invite Georgie?
27:49No.
27:51I'd like to stroke your back.
27:53I'll have a light bite.
27:54Oh, my God.
27:55She fancies me.
27:57Oh, hello.
27:58Just wanted to see how you were after the other day.
28:00Oh, what happened the other day?
28:01Nothing.
28:02I just felt a bit sick.
28:03Oh.
28:04How lovely of you to check in.
28:05Yeah.
28:06Thanks.
28:07What was Georgie doing here?
28:08I could only fit so many girls in me tent.
28:11Was there anything else?
28:12Would you like a drink?
28:13No liquids for me.
28:15I don't want to end up weeing in the bad bath.
28:16Yes.
28:17Well, the girls might like one.
28:18Something fizzy.
28:19Oh, yeah.
28:20That would be great.
28:21Thanks.
28:22You pop in, love.
28:23Right, out we get.
28:24Come on.
28:25She's made an effort.
28:26She's very little.
28:27She's very little.
28:28She's very little.
28:29She's very little.
28:30She's very little.
28:31What was Georgie doing here?
28:32I could only fit so many girls in me tent.
28:35Was there anything else?
28:36Would you like a drink?
28:37No liquids for me.
28:39I don't want to end up weeing in the bad bath.
28:40Yes, well, the girls might like one.
28:41Something fizzy.
28:42Oh, yeah, that would be great.
28:43Thanks.
28:44What?
28:45Ah.
28:46Come on.
28:47Your host for the next 37 hours, Michael Hasmore.
28:51Thank you very much.
28:52It's not a bad start.
28:53Welcome to Telephone.
28:5427 hours of life.
28:55Hair up, hair down, scrunchy off.
28:56Make your mind up, love.
28:57Then it hit me.
28:58She was flirting.
28:59God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
29:01What's your mind up, love?
29:03Then it hit me.
29:04She was flirting.
29:05God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
29:06What's your mind up, love?
29:07Then it hit me.
29:08She was flirting.
29:09God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
29:12Watching the whole thing?
29:14Yes.
29:15Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
29:18It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
29:2127 hours, we're on the air, but I'm not going to be attached...
29:23Charlie Hudson lives near you, doesn't he?
29:25Yeah, just across the road.
29:26Boys are all camping at his tonight.
29:28Jake and them.
29:29Oh, I know.
29:30We're all at it.
29:31Maz was going to go too, but Charlie's mum said,
29:35can't trust a girl near a sleeping bag.
29:37We should bring in Margaret a celeb.
29:43Oh, five, three, two, forty-three, eleven, forty-three.
29:55OK, let's go.
29:57Now we go to Southampton, TVS, Fern Britton and Fred Dinage.
30:01It's ringing.
30:03Alan's great, isn't he?
30:05Yeah, he's great.
30:06He is great, yeah.
30:07They're ringing.
30:09Charlie said they were going to do a Ouija board.
30:11You shouldn't do them outdoors.
30:13The weather throws the results off.
30:14I think they were just mucking about.
30:16You don't muck about with the astral plane.
30:18I'm through!
30:19Oh, nice, Toby.
30:20Have you ever done one?
30:21Why are you here?
30:23To see Alan.
30:24You never normally bother with Alan.
30:25Me and my sister did one.
30:27We got this woman.
30:28She'd been murdered by her neighbour.
30:30Hit her over the head with a frying pan.
30:32She spelt out F-R-Y.
30:36I can spell frying pan, thanks.
30:38She said he's still out there somewhere.
30:42He'll kill again.
30:44Evening hole!
30:46Ah!
30:53Welcome back.
30:54Fancy little nightcap?
30:56Um, yeah.
30:58Yeah, um, just a minute.
31:02Sorry, love.
31:03Nick's here to see you, Dad.
31:04You're gonna have to go upstairs.
31:05Oh, really?
31:06Alan's been having a pajama sleepover thing.
31:10We're giving him a bit of space.
31:12Fair play, mate.
31:14You crack on.
31:16Don Julio.
31:18Naughty dog, innit?
31:20Shall we?
31:24Beautiful home.
31:26Lovely to finally meet you, Chrissie.
31:28It's Christine.
31:29Here.
31:30Do us a favour.
31:31Crack this open for us, will ya?
31:33Oh!
31:34Oh!
31:35Hey!
31:36Only joking.
31:37Safe hands than your keeper.
31:39Yeah, Vince.
31:40You should probably learn his name.
31:42Ah, sod that.
31:43Ain't learning all them names.
31:45They won't last.
31:46Oh!
31:47Speaking of which, you might wanna have a sit down.
31:51I am sitting.
31:52You might wanna have a lie down, then.
31:54Right, I'll get the glasses.
31:58Redhead.
32:00Very nice.
32:01Always been partial to a redhead.
32:03I've settled on a blonde for now, but I truly believe men should experience every colour of the rainbow.
32:09Bugger me!
32:11When'd Lionel Blair get a tash?
32:17If you thought it was tense downstairs.
32:20Have you seen Godspell?
32:23No.
32:28I know what we could do.
32:30You did what?
32:32I sold him.
32:33He's gone.
32:34Out the door.
32:36He wanted to say bye to you, but I know how emotional you get about these things, Gray,
32:39and I couldn't put the poor bugger through it.
32:41He's just a kid.
32:42He's 28.
32:43Yeah, whatever.
32:44The point is...
32:4528?!
32:46Bloody hell!
32:48He's getting on a bit.
32:49I did you a favour there.
32:50Take him out back and shoot him.
32:52Never mind sell him.
32:53I signed him on his 18th birthday.
32:54It's took 10 years, but he's there now.
32:57He's solid.
32:58Apparently so.
33:00Silly bastard paid 15k for him.
33:02See, but this is what I'm talking about, Gray.
33:04I signed him on his 18th birthday.
33:06You're too attached.
33:07I'm not attached, but you consult me before selling my strongest defender.
33:12We discuss these things.
33:13Discuss it?
33:14What for?
33:15You'd say tomato.
33:16I'd say tomato.
33:17But I don't want to call the whole thing off, Gray,
33:20because we're barely getting started, son.
33:22We need him.
33:23We need cash.
33:24We need lots of cash, Graham.
33:26And fast.
33:28Here we go.
33:33Up the cobblers.
33:37Georgie, there's a toilet up here.
33:40Something told me Georgie wasn't after a midnight snack.
33:44Our team goes that way.
33:45Your team goes that way.
33:46Nor be picking it that way.
33:47Stop picking it that way.
33:48Sometimes they're in the pre-brows.
33:49They're in the pre-brows.
33:50They're in the pre-brows.
33:51A bit of fresh air, yeah.
33:52I mean, we could just sit in the garden for a little bit.
33:53Who lives there?
33:54Well, Tom and Jess sometimes, I think.
33:55Two blokes?
33:56What?
33:57Are they brothers?
33:58No, they're not brothers.
33:59They're friends.
34:00Sounds well gay.
34:01Dare ya?
34:02Oh.
34:03Oh.
34:04Oh.
34:05Oh.
34:06Oh.
34:07Oh.
34:08Oh.
34:09Oh.
34:10Oh.
34:11Oh.
34:12Oh.
34:13Oh.
34:14Oh.
34:15Oh.
34:16Oh.
34:17Oh.
34:18Oh.
34:19Oh.
34:20Oh.
34:21Oh.
34:22Oh.
34:23Oh.
34:24Oh.
34:25Oh.
34:28This is tedious.
34:29We just sat watching a woman put a harness on for ten minutes.
34:32That woman is one of the great comic minds of our time.
34:34Have you seen Give Us A Clue?
34:35Egg it.
34:36Go on.
34:37Egg the door.
34:38You egg it.
34:39That's not how it works.
34:40I don't do.
34:41How about no one eggs the door?
34:42Watch this.
34:46See?
34:47Easy.
34:48What's the problem?
34:49You mates with these benders or something.
34:55Oh.
34:56Oh.
34:57Good shot.
34:58God, there's so much egg and egg.
35:00Which one's Charlie's house?
35:01The one on the corner.
35:03Be back in a minute.
35:11She's not coming back, is she?
35:13No.
35:14Let's go back in.
35:15We don't want to miss Des O'Connor.
35:16I'll keep it now, aren't we?
35:17Say hello to Jake.
35:18Georgie.
35:19Georgie.
35:20Are you in there?
35:21Shhh.
35:22Get in.
35:23Oh.
35:24Hey, hi.
35:25Hello.
35:26Jake.
35:27Good timing.
35:28Drink?
35:29Yeah, go on then.
35:32I'd watched enough Jilly Gordon on food and drink to know which face to pull neck in spirits.
35:39Limit your reaction to just one eyelid.
35:40A manly sigh at the end.
35:41Do not cough.
35:42Oh.
35:43Oh, that's on your chest, that.
35:44We're playing Never Have I Ever.
35:45Oh, God.
35:46Let's do something else, eh?
35:47No.
35:48Georgie's turn.
35:49Go on.
35:50Go on.
35:51Go on.
35:52Go on.
35:53Go on.
35:54Go on.
35:55Go on.
35:56Go on.
35:57Go on.
35:58Go on.
35:59Go on.
36:00Go on.
36:01Go on.
36:02Go on.
36:03Go on.
36:04Go on.
36:05Go on.
36:06Go on.
36:07I don't want to get else, eh?
36:08No.
36:09Georgie's turn.
36:10Go on.
36:11Hmm.
36:12Never have I ever done fourth base.
36:15I knew what first base was, but beyond that, I had no idea.
36:20First base, fourth base.
36:21How many bases does a woman have?
36:23I'm sure Alan can help you, Georgie.
36:25Don't worry, Al.
36:26It's just a game, innit?
36:28Yeah, well, you'll know who you've got your eye on.
36:30Oh, shut it, Bradley.
36:31Leave Alan alone.
36:32I'm bored of this now.
36:34Come on.
36:35How was your tent?
36:38It was something quite liberating.
36:40I'd love to live in a tent, me.
36:42Waking up to that zip coming down every morning.
36:44It would make me smile.
36:45That sounds good to me.
36:47Never change, Alan.
36:49Hello, happy camper.
36:50I'm going to hide a few pepperamis around the garden.
36:53Couple of Twixies.
36:54You can sniff them out like little badgers.
36:56We've got stuff in here.
36:58Yeah, but you want the full wilderness experience, don't you?
37:01Can you just get lost, Mum?
37:03Someone's getting the grumpy ones.
37:05All right, my angel.
37:06Ooh.
37:07Little clue for you.
37:09Flower pot.
37:10That's all I'm saying.
37:12Thanks, Ange.
37:13Hey.
37:14Hey, Pete.
37:15Come on, Chris.
37:16Sorry, Nigel.
37:17Are you Chris things, mate?
37:18I'm in Charlie's class.
37:19Oh, the little elderly girl.
37:20Right.
37:21Out you get.
37:22Excuse me.
37:23We've got a couple of stowaways.
37:24Alan, you've left poor Kay on her own.
37:25Out.
37:26Alan, he's not in there.
37:27I mean...
37:28He might not be.
37:29Christine, you were having some sort of episode.
37:30Georgie came round down to me.
37:31Yeah.
37:32Yeah.
37:33Yeah.
37:34Yeah.
37:35Yeah.
37:36Yeah.
37:37Yeah.
37:38Yeah.
37:39Yeah.
37:40Yeah.
37:41Yeah.
37:42Yeah.
37:43Yeah.
37:44Yeah.
37:45Yeah.
37:46Yeah.
37:47Yeah.
37:48Yeah.
37:49Yeah.
37:50Yeah.
37:51Yeah.
37:52Yeah.
37:53Yeah.
37:54Oh, Christine, you were having some sort of episode.
37:56Georgie came round to us to see Alan, but obviously got other ideas when she heard
37:59there was a tent full of boys across the road.
38:01Excuse me.
38:02Nigel, do something.
38:03Christine, come on, sweetheart.
38:05Don't.
38:06Oh, hi, Mum.
38:07What's that?
38:08Give me that.
38:09Right.
38:10All of you, out.
38:11Now.
38:12Come on.
38:13Right.
38:14You mind the twigs?
38:15Yeah.
38:16Out.
38:17What is your mum like?
38:19Oh, come on.
38:21Georgie, I can see your top not poking through the sleeping bag.
38:26They've been drinking.
38:28It weren't me.
38:29Yeah, you only gave us a fag.
38:30Oh, Radley, stop talking.
38:31It was me.
38:32I brought it.
38:33Sorry.
38:34I can't believe this.
38:35You have no idea what's going on in your back garden.
38:38You've got kids in a...
38:42Did Alan put you up to this, my darling?
38:44Of course he didn't.
38:45Because I know he was gagging to get in that tent.
38:47Right, Alan, we're off.
38:49And you, Georgie.
38:50Get your stuff from Az.
38:52I thought you said you could trust him.
38:54You don't even know what's going on in your own back garden.
38:57State of it.
38:59What?
39:02Christine, don't you walk away from me.
39:05Christine, I know you can hear me.
39:07You've got a bloody cheek.
39:08At least I'm not losing other people's children.
39:10That's the first friend he's had round and she's a rat out the cage.
39:13Oh, yeah.
39:14You love to show up about your charlies, mate,
39:16because you haven't got any of your own.
39:17I'll remember that next time you come begging for food.
39:19Whoa, just calm down a bit.
39:21No, no, no, no.
39:22You crack on, girls.
39:23This is lovely stuff.
39:25They always like this.
39:26Yes.
39:27No.
39:28Oh, yeah, yeah.
39:29Once I get going, they're like wildcats.
39:30No biting, please, girls.
39:32No, I won't keep quiet.
39:33I'm fed up a bit.
39:34We need to find out...
39:35Boys?
39:36Is everything all right?
39:38Someone's thrown eggs at our front door.
39:40We just sat down to watch the Golden Girls and then...
39:43What?
39:44God, that's awful.
39:45I'm so sorry.
39:46Oh.
39:47Do you reckon it was kids?
39:48Well, either that or a chicken fired one out mid-flight.
39:50Jez, it's not funny.
39:51You know, we had a lot of this sort of thing in the old place.
39:53Yeah.
39:54Just can't seem to leave us alone.
39:55Yeah.
39:56Oh, my God.
39:57Are you dead?
39:58What?
39:59No.
40:00No, no.
40:01I was talking to you about carburettors earlier.
40:03He said he supported Dakar and Rovers.
40:05Oh, I'm sorry, Nigel.
40:07Which team should have put support?
40:09Arsenal.
40:10No!
40:11No!
40:12What?
40:13You've...
40:14You've done this on purpose.
40:15You've...
40:16You've been leading me on.
40:17Sorry, Nigel.
40:19You're really not our type.
40:20At all.
40:21My God, it's spreading up the street.
40:22First your house, now theirs.
40:24I'm gonna wake up like Navarretta Lova.
40:25Right, can't we just stop?
40:26Please.
40:27I'll do it.
40:28I'll clean it up.
40:29It's... it's fine.
40:30It's nearly done anyway now, so...
40:32Well, look.
40:33Come in for a cuppa.
40:34I insist.
40:35As long as you're sure.
40:36Uh...
40:37Yeah, yeah.
40:38You're Christine's friend.
40:39And, uh...
40:40You both of you can...
40:41With the both of...
40:42I'm...
40:43I'm gonna put the kettle on.
40:44Come on.
40:45Why are you being rude?
40:46Well, we will not be coming.
40:47Good.
40:48You weren't invited.
40:49Yeah.
40:50Oh, I am so...
40:52What is the world coming to you?
40:53How does he know?
40:54Can I excuse you?
40:55How does he know about her?
40:56I'll go anyway.
40:57No.
40:59Thank you very much.
41:00Thank you very much.
41:06Oh, Jo.
41:07Yeah.
41:08But...
41:09There was me thinking sitting in a bar full of cold baked beans was humiliating, but seeing
41:15putting his arm round her and walking off, well, me toes curled and me stomach churned.
41:24There's plenty more fish in the sea, love.
41:27No.
41:28No, there aren't.
41:29That was my fish and they were...
41:31Oh, love.
41:32They were holding hands.
41:37I really felt that I had a chance.
41:40She just wasn't the one, darling.
41:47Night, Chrissie.
41:51I wasn't talking about Georgie.
41:54I know.
41:56I've known for ages.
42:00Night, Alan.
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