- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Okay, I'll admit it, I had raised a few eyebrows as a child.
00:06My quirks hadn't exactly gone under the radar.
00:08See you later, ladies.
00:10I was basically a box of broken biscuits, but I enjoyed being on the wonky side.
00:16Until 1989.
00:20I'd grown a foot, dropped two octaves, and unbeknownst to me, was heading into a new era.
00:26A saucy one.
00:28So this was it.
00:29It was happening to little old me of all people.
00:32Lust, desire, passion, boobies.
00:38My libido had gone full throttle, so I loved popping into Athena.
00:43It was like woolies for perverts.
00:48All right, I thought women were a bit like olives.
00:51They'd turn your stomach at first, but if you persevere, you'd learn to love them.
00:56Oh, who was I kidding?
01:01I was there for Jake.
01:03Who needs a tennis player rich in her bum when the cutest boy in school is tugging at your heartstrings?
01:09In there, in the midnight hour, I can feel your power just now.
01:14Oh, hello.
01:16You here again?
01:17It's a Saturday job.
01:19I've got to be here every Saturday.
01:20Er, I was just wondering, have you got that poster with that lady on the motorbike?
01:25Well, yeah.
01:26Cracking photo, though.
01:27Suzuki Katana.
01:28Well, I don't know her name, but lovely bag.
01:31Do you roll them, or do they come ready rolled in a plastic sheaf?
01:35Ready rolled.
01:36Oh, me and Mum love Cyndi Loeb, huh?
01:44It's £3.80.
01:45Hmm?
01:46£3.80.
01:48Oh.
01:52Keep the change.
01:54Oh.
01:56Oh, yeah, absolutely.
01:58Love a lifeboat me.
01:59You do not want to be lost at sea without one of those boys.
02:02No, sorry.
02:03You're funny.
02:04Oh.
02:07See you Monday, then.
02:11Oh, God, I nearly ran off with this cane ring.
02:15Keep it.
02:16What?
02:16They won't even notice.
02:17If you want it, keep it.
02:25Oh.
02:26Oh, God.
02:27Bye.
02:30Oh, that's gonna kill me.
02:31My dad was riding high and also looking for a man.
02:35Not like that.
02:36A midfielder.
02:37Graham.
02:39Hey, shush, shush, shush.
02:40He's on telly.
02:41Yep.
02:41Manager of the month, again.
02:43You're gonna have a drink problem at this rate.
02:44Yeah, yeah, uh, chuffed to bits.
02:46Um, we're obviously doing something right.
02:49Any transfers on the horizon?
02:51Anyone caught your eye?
02:52Uh, they have.
02:53I'm just, uh, waiting for this one to open his checkbook.
02:57Oh, oh, yeah.
02:58It's open.
02:59It's...
02:59My pen is poised.
03:01It better be, because I need a midfielder shop-ish.
03:03Don't put that on the TV.
03:05No, no.
03:06Yeah?
03:07I mean, do we do that photo?
03:08Come on.
03:10Come here.
03:10Right.
03:11Go on, guys.
03:12Come on, lads.
03:13Come on!
03:13Come on!
03:16Give it in!
03:17It's bloody whiskey, not champagne, you idiot.
03:20Don't, lads.
03:23Oh, bravo.
03:29Oh, bravo.
03:32Woo!
03:32Oh, bravo.
03:35Ha!
03:44You're from selling that.
03:46No, you're not.
03:49Woo!
03:53Oh, was it?
03:54Yeah, great.
03:55Call me Flipper.
03:56Ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:58Mr. Carl!
03:59Miss Stephen, what is in it, yeah?
04:01No, she's not.
04:02Off you go.
04:03Mr. Carl!
04:03Paint your foot down.
04:04Down, down, down.
04:06Glad I caught you.
04:08Miss Pearson.
04:09Dad loved sporty women.
04:11He only ever looked at a cleavage to see if there was a stopwatch there.
04:14Is everything all right?
04:15I don't know.
04:16Is it?
04:18Oh, no.
04:19This is Graham's.
04:20He won it.
04:21It's a manager of the month award.
04:26All right.
04:27Congratulations.
04:28They're not wrong.
04:29Thank you very much.
04:30That's very kind of you.
04:33Are you all right, Alan?
04:34Yep.
04:35He had a great time, by all accounts.
04:37Oh, did he?
04:38Well, I don't know where, because he never turned up for his swimming lesson.
04:41You what?
04:41Well, Alan's...
04:42If it happens again, I'll have to give his place away.
04:44It won't.
04:45I'll throw him in myself.
04:46I am so sorry, Miss Pearson.
04:51Good stride.
04:51Where the bloody hell were you?
04:55I had a dicky tan.
04:58Not funny, Gavin.
04:59You smell lemonade?
05:03We all know I'm no fan of P.E.
05:06Cry it out, lull.
05:07Get on with it.
05:08But when Jake was doing the picking, everything seemed bearable.
05:12Even team sports.
05:13All right.
05:15Alan.
05:15I would have picked Sam and myself.
05:21I won't let you down.
05:26Go get it.
05:28Let's do it.
05:31All right, Scrummage.
05:33Come on.
05:33So, how was the rest of your weekend?
05:40We saw each other Saturday.
05:43What?
05:43He just came to the shop?
05:44What?
05:45Oh, some modern art.
05:46Oh, and a key rent.
05:47Well, I didn't have to buy the key rent,
05:49because Jake gave it to me.
05:50Gratis.
05:51You giving him free stuff?
05:53Yeah.
05:53Me?
05:54Yes, you did.
05:55You're buying him presents, Jake.
05:57It's not a big deal.
05:58I just said, you know, like, boss never cares.
06:00Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
06:02Oh, shut up.
06:03He probably fancies you.
06:04No, I don't.
06:05Who's looking at tits?
06:07You know the posters.
06:08No, I'm not a caveman.
06:11I don't just look at the tits,
06:13I look at the whole lady.
06:14Sure, sure.
06:15Who do you fancy, then?
06:16Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:17Who's the unlucky lady?
06:21Why is this taking so long?
06:23Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:24Georgie.
06:25Oh, Georgie.
06:26What would you like about her?
06:27Her name, because it sounded like a boy's.
06:30Well, she's...
06:31formidable.
06:33Well, you, buddy, should ask her out.
06:35Yeah, ask her out.
06:37Why not?
06:38I'm coming for you.
06:42Lucky old Georgie.
06:44What are you doing?
06:45Comparing purses?
06:46Come on, crack on, lads.
06:48Come on.
06:49So when you're asking her out, Alan?
06:50Oh, elderly.
06:52Cat, what are you staring at?
06:54Come on, Alan.
06:54Saturday meant another swimming lesson,
07:04and after a fiena gate,
07:05my mum was watching me like a hawk.
07:07Right, I want to see you back here in an hour.
07:09Right, go on.
07:10I want to see you going.
07:11Come on.
07:13Go on.
07:15Have fun.
07:16I don't trust him.
07:24Where's your trance?
07:26I didn't bring them.
07:27I'll cover for you.
07:28You can cover for me.
07:29Are you wearing that?
07:36Look at how a little cow looking for that, hmm?
07:38Right, knock me up when you're done.
07:40I'm starving.
07:45I don't know what was more humiliating,
07:47being forced to do a swimming lesson
07:49because your dad fancied the teacher
07:51or that your classmates were six.
07:52I don't know what was going on.
08:22The only thing tighter than my swim cap
08:28was Ron's wallet.
08:29The cobblers needed a midfielder fast,
08:31and he was treading water.
08:34Yes.
08:36Yeah.
08:37Well, let me have a few chats this morning, OK?
08:40Hang on, Martin.
08:42Paperwork for Bodley.
08:44Sale done.
08:44That's 19k in our pocket.
08:46Up the offer for Thomas.
08:47Well, he can't offer the full 19.
08:49I mean, got to hold the bit back, Graham.
08:52I've got gaps to plug.
08:54Gaps to plug?
08:54I've got a gaping hole in midfield.
08:56Yeah, but 19k, we can't.
08:58Oh, trust me, Ron, he's worth every penny of it.
09:01Oh, we need this.
09:03I heard he's got dodgy knees.
09:06Big time.
09:06Hear him click from the stands.
09:08Look.
09:09Sorry, Martin.
09:11Yeah.
09:11Yeah, we'd like to offer...
09:1419k.
09:22Black coffee, please.
09:25Sorry.
09:26I'm Graham Carr's wife.
09:28Oh, yeah.
09:29Yes, I am.
09:30I've seen you in the papers.
09:32It's amazing.
09:33He's amazing.
09:35Yeah, thank you.
09:36I've had a good run of it, haven't we?
09:38He's at the ground now.
09:40Big day.
09:42Buying.
09:44Selling.
09:45Transferring this, transferring that.
09:47Buying bits and bobs.
09:49Yeah, big.
09:50Big.
09:51There's a lot of buying and selling going on.
09:54I couldn't get your autograph, could I?
09:57Oh, God, no.
09:58Really?
10:01Oh, you don't want mine.
10:04Who should I make it out to?
10:05Wendy.
10:08She just did her usual signature,
10:11but from that point on,
10:12she took to making the A of Carr
10:14into a little football.
10:16That's a little football.
10:19Thank you, Wendy.
10:23£1.30, please.
10:26Little biscuit.
10:31I'm sorry.
10:32What was your name?
10:33Becky.
10:34Thank you, Becky.
10:41Frothy coffee, please.
10:42Oh, they should have called by now.
10:58It's a yes, surely.
10:5919k.
11:00Fancy a tea?
11:01I fancy a tea.
11:04Joy?
11:04Joy?
11:08Yeah, nice go back.
11:11Joy?
11:11Hello, stranger.
11:26God almighty, Ange.
11:28Let's get you a napkin.
11:29Sorry, she's had a little spillage.
11:31Oh, shades are too big for your face.
11:33Another one?
11:34No, I'll go.
11:36They, um,
11:36sort of know me, yeah.
11:39No, regular haunt, is it?
11:41No, they recognise me.
11:43Because of Graham,
11:44all the press nonsense.
11:46I'm still getting used to it.
11:48All right.
11:49You're not going to believe this.
11:52A woman
11:53just asked me for me autograph.
11:55I don't believe it, no.
11:58I'll go.
11:59She gave me a free biscuit
12:00when she clocked who I was.
12:01Oh, Christine,
12:02bless you,
12:03no,
12:03they give everyone a little biscuit.
12:04Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
12:06Nobody pays for the little biscuit.
12:08Yeah, but she did a sort of cheeky smile
12:10when she put it on.
12:10People tend to do a cheeky smile
12:12when there's a biscuit around, Christine.
12:13No.
12:14It was definite.
12:14Let's see, shall we?
12:15Martin?
12:23Knocked 9k off that.
12:25We've crunched the numbers again.
12:2710k is top whack.
12:28I know, I know,
12:29but think about it.
12:31No.
12:33Martin.
12:35Wash your mouth out.
12:40I need you
12:41to phone that phone
12:42from this phone.
12:45What phone?
12:47That phone.
12:48Boardroom phone.
12:49Can't I just call it
12:50from my office phone?
12:52Hmm.
12:52Then it would be
12:53an internal ring.
12:55Brrrr.
12:56We need it to be
12:57an external ring.
12:59Brrrr.
12:59Brrrr.
13:00Right.
13:01Right.
13:02But it is internal
13:04because it's me.
13:05But it's not you, is it?
13:09Just phone that bloody phone
13:11from this bloody phone,
13:12please, Joy.
13:13And what do I say?
13:14Nothing.
13:15It's on its way.
13:22Doggy paddle's
13:23not the most efficient
13:24stroke, Alan.
13:25If it's good math
13:26for a laparotop.
13:27Nice.
13:28Wow.
13:32Oi, Alan.
13:34Where's your arm, Ben?
13:36Nice swimming cap.
13:37Why are you in the
13:38pissy pool with the toddlers?
13:39Excuse me.
13:41This is a private lesson.
13:42A private lesson
13:43that I'm helping
13:44Miss Pearson with
13:45as a teaching assistant.
13:47Yeah, that's it.
13:48Alan.
13:49What did I say, kids,
13:52about kicking those legs?
13:53No, Joanne,
13:54push through the water.
13:56No, for the love of God,
13:58no, it's good enough.
13:59Alan.
13:59Really cute, isn't it?
14:01The Little Mermaid's
14:01trying to get a five-metre badge.
14:03Nice one.
14:05Alan, get back here.
14:06Yeah, I'm just going
14:07on the break.
14:08Mrs Pearson, can you help me?
14:10Oh, come on.
14:11Joanne.
14:11Hey.
14:12Oh, my God.
14:13What are you doing here?
14:13Is it Saturday?
14:14Oh, um, I got the sack.
14:16Why?
14:18Couldn't be giving
14:18stuff away.
14:19Oh, the key ring.
14:20It was so mad.
14:20No, it's not.
14:21It wasn't that.
14:23My mum paid with a tenner
14:24and I gave a 20 change.
14:27Oh, she ain't
14:28greville, you devil.
14:30See you in there.
14:36You're hurting on Jane.
14:49Well, no.
14:50Cos your girlfriend's lit.
14:52No.
14:53Georgie.
14:54How is she?
14:56You can ask her out.
14:57Right, gotta go, bye.
15:00Ask.
15:01Her.
15:01Out.
15:04Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
15:05Isn't that right, Alan? Guilty as child.
15:09And Maz, everyone thinks you're hot too.
15:12Yeah, I know.
15:13God, yeah.
15:15It's like being in a soup with ten sexy croutons.
15:18What's a crouton?
15:20Why, when you were feeling so self-conscious, would you pop on a pair of trunks
15:23and bob along half-naked in a giant bath,
15:26hoping that someone, anyone, would find you attractive?
15:31No heavy petting.
15:32You what?
15:33You heard.
15:34So just to clarify, the little biscuits, they're free?
15:37They're free, yep.
15:38For everyone.
15:39Yep.
15:40Not just the wives of third division football managers.
15:43What?
15:44Thought not.
15:45Thank you. Sorry, what's your name?
15:47Becky.
15:48Thank you, Becky.
15:50You've been very helpful.
16:01Hello?
16:02Hello?
16:03Hello, Martin.
16:04Have you?
16:07Oh, no.
16:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
16:12That's a shame.
16:15Thanks for letting us know.
16:16Yeah.
16:21They got a better offer.
16:22A 19K?
16:23Mm.
16:25You're joking.
16:26I wish I was.
16:27I really wish I was.
16:29Greedy buggers.
16:31I don't believe that.
16:39Thanks for that.
16:41Must have just left it.
16:42Yeah.
16:43Any chance of that tea?
16:45Yeah.
16:46Take a wiggle on, Joy.
16:51Oh, Georgie.
16:52Mona.
16:53Georgie.
16:58Oh, backstroke.
16:59Backstroke.
17:00I'd like to stroke your back.
17:05Feet bends.
17:07Stroke your back.
17:08Stroke your arse more like.
17:10You don't have to try so hard, do you?
17:13Yes, I do.
17:15Maybe you don't.
17:17Charming, popular, debonair.
17:19Better at this stuff.
17:21You coming to the deep end, Alan, or what?
17:23No, yeah.
17:24You should probably just stay with the little ones.
17:26Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
17:28Shut up, Mandy.
17:29You're not allowed in the deep end.
17:31Leave him.
17:32That's me teaching.
17:34Gimme him.
17:35No.
17:36No.
17:37See ya!
17:39My glasses!
17:40I can't see.
17:42Me glasses were just there.
17:44Like Harold Bishop's were when he drowned in neighbours.
17:52Stop for Wayne. Stop for Wayne.
17:54Make your way over to squash court one, please.
17:56Squash court one, thank you.
18:00We always say we should do coffee, don't we?
18:09I think I'm gonna go and watch Alan for a bit.
18:11Oh, yeah.
18:12I'll come have a squeeze.
18:14Thank you, Becky.
18:15Thank you, Becky.
18:27Thank you, Becky.
18:33He's done my glasses in.
18:34Well, go get them, then.
18:43Good morning.
18:44Why are you just standing there?
18:47I'm just working out my angle of entrance.
18:50Just jump in, then.
18:51What are you doing?
18:52He can't swim.
18:54Cold sack can!
18:55Prove it, then.
18:56Leslie I would get back in the baby pool
19:26There's a poo in the pool
19:31There's a poo in the pool
19:33Evacuate the pool, everyone else
19:38Please evacuate the pool
19:41Please make your way back to the changing rooms, thank you
19:44Shame about your glasses, mate
19:50Oh my God! Elkin!
19:52Come on Elkin!
19:56I couldn't help thinking these swimming lessons had been a waste of money
20:03But drowning was preferable to romancing a girl
20:10Where's Jake? Where's Alan?
20:12Where's Alan?
20:15I just died on your arms tonight
20:19Must have been something you said
20:22I just died on your arms tonight
20:25How was it?
20:26Well, er, thanks for asking. We lost Roberts.
20:35We nearly lost Alan.
20:37What?
20:38What?
20:40What's wrong with your glasses?
20:41Oh, they got Welsh in a suction pack
20:44So I couldn't swim
20:45Who cares?
20:46I swallowed a floating plaster
20:48So what?
20:49I was heading home with a lung filled with chlorine
20:52And a heart full of love
20:55Maybe I should try drowning more often
20:58Why's your hair dry?
20:59Why's your hair dry?
21:03Tiki Tom?
21:08So, I was Miss Pearson
21:11She mentioned me
21:12Let me take you to a place I know you wanna go
21:19It's a good life
21:21Yes! That's the one!
21:24Alan?
21:25You nearly ready?
21:26Mum?
21:27Do you think I should take me jazz shoes?
21:29You're only going tonight, love
21:30You couldn't get away with a jasher in Northampton
21:33Believe me, I've tried
21:35This town was cramping my style
21:38I needed somewhere bigger
21:39Somewhere brighter
21:40Somewhere I could blend in
21:42I needed
21:43London, Gary!
21:45You can't wear a show suit
21:46You could run into a man of oil
21:49Go! Get changed!
21:51Mum and Dad had a work meeting in town
21:53So we were staying with Aunty Terry
21:55A hop, skip and a jump
21:56From London's glittering West End
21:59Are you sure she's up to this?
22:02Of course!
22:03Oh, you're not still on a bet last time
22:05She took him to the dogs
22:06And lost him
22:07How I got stuck in that kennel
22:08I'll never know
22:09But this time I've come prepared
22:11Got me cockney rhyming slang
22:14Oh, love, no one talks like that anymore
22:16What a load of old pony!
22:19You must be going mountain
22:22You gotta keep your wits about you down London town
22:24Val got mugged outside in Aberdeen Angers
22:26She didn't even realise
22:27That's southerners for you
22:29The god-awful place
22:30Gangster-loving
22:32Ale-eating
22:33Oi!
22:34I'm a sevener
22:35Let me finish
22:36With the most beautiful women in the country
22:39And I'm including your mum in that
22:41Charming
22:43He who tires of London
22:46Tires of pain
22:47£1.20 for a pint
22:48They're taking the mick
22:51Right, let's go
22:52Everyone in the corps
22:54I'll be seeing you shortly, George
22:56Wait till that's okay
22:58I've been to
22:59Barney
23:00Oh, a hop, skip and quite a long jump
23:03From London's glittering West End then
23:05Four hour round trip
23:06I don't even know what this bloke wants
23:08He's probably trying to poach Alfie for Stoke
23:10They're all sharks, these agents
23:12Oh, Graham, put a sock in it
23:13You're being wined and dined
23:15Oh, I'd love to be wined and dined
23:18Oh, she
23:19Alfie's not even scored all season
23:21Dad!
23:22You're in the cultural captain of the world, okay?
23:24Stop talking about football
23:26Oh, my God, is that Gloria Hannaford?
23:28It's Gloria Hannaford
23:31No, it is
23:32I think it is Gloria Hannaford
23:35No, yeah, it's not
23:37You're never more than six foot away from a celeb in London
23:40We're only just off the M1 for Christ's sake
23:42And it's rats, not celebrities
23:45One and the same, darling
23:47Oh, you're early
23:49We're 20 minutes late
23:50Oh
23:51Thanks for this, Terry
23:52I appreciate it
23:53Oh, please
23:54You know I love him
23:56Oh
23:59Them
24:00I love them both
24:01Because there's two of them, isn't there?
24:03Yeah
24:04Right, so Gary's inhalers in his rucksack
24:06Oh, go on
24:07I'll have a quick puff
24:08Oh, we're going to have fun, aren't we, eh?
24:11The three musketeers
24:13All for one and all for...
24:17One
24:18Yeah
24:19So you've got Graham's mobile number
24:20I'm not phoning a mobile
24:21No, but if you need it
24:23No, they're not safe, Chris
24:24Might as well stick you in the microwave
24:26Yeah, I'm not sure that's how it...
24:27No, no, no, sorry
24:28You think about it
24:29You've got a normal phone
24:30The waves, they're travelling up the cold
24:32They get stuck, trapped in the cold
24:35You've got no cold
24:37Those waves are going straight into your brain
24:40Yeah, well, yeah, you can always phone the restaurant
24:42Alan's got the details
24:43Imperial China Piccadilly Circus
24:45What are you going with again?
24:46I'm just some football agent
24:48Oh, lined and dimed
24:52Oh, yeah
24:53Yeah
24:54Right, come on then
24:55Behave
24:56Okay
24:57Look after him
25:00Hey
25:01All right
25:02All right
25:03Bye, bye boys
25:05Bye, bye boys
25:07My Aunty Terry was the naughty to my mum's nice
25:11Right then
25:12An ashtray half full kind of girl
25:15Oh, this is nice
25:17What do you fancy doing?
25:19Well, so
25:20Where are you going to go?
25:21Are they calling in?
25:22Hello, Mr. Wolf
25:24Boo!
25:29Boo!
25:30Oh, you don't want to boo anymore
25:35He used to love a bit of boo
25:38He's dead
25:39Oh, timeless boo, innit?
25:41Oh, I've got one
25:43I've got one
25:44Bet you can't find my fags in ten seconds
25:47Go
25:48No, cos we were thinking that maybe we could go up to the west end
25:51See the mouse trap
25:52Oh, oh, up the east end
25:54Why at Chapel?
25:55Cos I do a Jack the Ripper tour
25:56Hey, I win!
26:00We can just do that round here, can't we?
26:02No, because I think that you need to go where he actually did the murders
26:06Otherwise you are just having a walk
26:09What about a film?
26:11Film
26:12Have you seen Pretty Woman?
26:14Before you start, it is not about me
26:17Yeah, I wanted to say that
26:20I was going to ask Jake if he wanted to go with me, Jake's boy in my class
26:23I think that he was a little bit put off by the poster
26:26He said, why would a prostitute be wearing waders?
26:29Yeah, hook-a-boots, Alan
26:30Oh!
26:31And he goes to the big Odeon
26:33In Leicester Square, the seats are meant to be massive
26:36We don't need to go out
26:38Hey, VHS
26:40My mate Wes got me a knock-off coffee
26:43That's piracy, that's illegal
26:45If you hear any police sirens, right?
26:47Just duck down behind the sofa, alright?
26:50I'm joking!
26:51I'm joking!
26:52Sorry to drag you into town
26:53Ah, no, not at all
26:54It's our pleasure
26:55Much to discuss
26:56But I'll be buggered if I'm coming to Northampton
26:57Good
26:58Food's fantastic here
26:59Oh, I bet
27:00It's lovely
27:01Lovely lanterns
27:02Oh, yeah
27:04You alright?
27:05I'll order for the table, shall I?
27:06I know my way around the menu
27:08I'll order for the table, shall I?
27:09I know my way around the menu
27:11I'm joking
27:12Sorry to drag you into town
27:14Not at all
27:15It's our pleasure
27:16Much to discuss
27:17But I'll be buggered if I'm coming to Northampton
27:18Food's fantastic here
27:19Oh, I bear
27:20It's lovely
27:21Lovely lanterns
27:22Oh, yeah
27:23I'll order for the table, shall I?
27:24I know my way around the menu
27:25Oh, I think we all do, don't we?
27:2636, couple of 22s, port balls and a pancake roll
27:29Yeah, it's a little bit more authentic here, so
27:33Right, you go ahead then
27:35You did like the sweet and sour balls though, didn't you, Graham?
27:38Yeah, I can live without the balls
27:40We'll follow your lead
27:41Smart man
27:42Jesus Christ
27:43Um, you took your time
27:45Right, um
27:46Sorry, um
27:47Is it true that Diana ain't here?
27:49It is, yes
27:50Oh
27:51Don't you?
27:52Very exciting, isn't it?
27:54Oh
27:55Has Ken got any lobsters in?
27:56The Chinese restaurant might have been the real deal
27:59This VHS clearly wasn't
28:05Gary!
28:06Gary, we're not fitting in
28:07Sit up
28:08Sit
28:09There we go, boys
28:10Couple of Coke floats
28:11Flakes
28:12Oh, it's good, isn't it?
28:16When's dinner?
28:17We'll grab a bite to eat when we're out
28:20We should get going really
28:22Big Ben's ticking away
28:23No, no, no, I've got it all planned
28:25Your dinner
28:26Yeah!
28:27Yeah
28:28Um
28:29Cousin
28:31Honestly, Terry, just chuck us a banana on the way
28:35I can't be bothered with dinner after the time
28:37Just have a bit of Philadelphia on a Weetabix
28:40Don't go to any trouble on our account
28:42Just grab something up west
28:44Once we get going
28:45She can curry all right?
28:47Mum usually makes it from scratch
28:50I haven't got the time to be pissing about with an onion, Alan
28:53I do have a life
28:54Oh
28:55So
28:57Chubo cab
28:59Which one we get in?
29:00I bought a soft shoe for the palace out of respect
29:02Cab?
29:03Right
29:04Well, it says 180 here
29:05But I reckon just to...
29:07Just to grill it
29:08It'd be so much quicker, won't it?
29:09I've never seen London before
29:11You're in London now, Alan
29:13Greater London
29:14They call it that
29:15Cos it's better than the middle bit
29:16Oops, excuse
29:17Won't be a sec
29:18Keep an eye on that curry, Alan
29:19Hi
29:21Oh, I know you
29:26No
29:27No, I'm not
29:28Come on, don't do it
29:30I've got my sister's boys
29:32Stop it
29:33Stop it
29:37All right
29:39All right
29:41You said you want to go out
29:43I'm gonna go out
29:46Gary, grab your ragsack
29:47We're off to London town
29:49Terry's local was more dead end than West End
29:58But at least it was half a mile in the right direction
30:02All right, Wes
30:04All right, Terry
30:05These are my nephews
30:06Alan
30:07Gary
30:08All right, lads
30:09Well, Tim got one, boys
30:10A little, please
30:11And some bacon krispies
30:12On the tab
30:13We're not stopping
30:14Edna West
30:15Yes
30:16Gavin will have that
30:17And then we'll be off, yeah
30:18Yeah
30:19Hi, darling
30:21Ladies
30:22Yay
30:26You do a 3-3-2, right
30:27You have Johnson at the back
30:28Freeman up front
30:29It's a no-brainer
30:30So, do you live nearby?
30:32Kensington
30:33Oh
30:34That's a lovely big ass
30:35Freezing
30:36Four floors
30:37Extortionate to eat
30:38Yeah, well, we're double glazed throughout
30:39So that does help
30:43Sorry
30:44Do you feel like he's listening?
30:46I think it's the eyes
30:47We eat a lot of fish
30:49Oh, yeah, so do we
30:50I just tend to take the eyes out
30:51Before they put me in breadcrumbs
30:54Shangdu region
30:55Hmm?
30:56Shangdu region
30:57The chef is incredible with seafood
30:58Have you got a decent Chinese, don't you?
31:01Oh, yeah
31:02I've got a really good one
31:03They do fish and chips and all, don't they, Graham?
31:04Mmm
31:05Well, it's good for the kids
31:08Can we get a couple of forks here?
31:10I don't think
31:11I don't think chopsticks have made it to Northampton yet
31:13I suppose you need a bow of all thumbs to use them
31:18Yeah, well
31:19Those thumbs have got them to the top of the league
31:21And it's been noted
31:23It's been noted
31:27Aunt Terry
31:28We can kiss goodbye to the mousetrap
31:30The curtain's gone up
31:32Sorry
31:33Oh, you must be hungry
31:34Get yourself a bag of crisps
31:36Or me
31:37I can have crisps at home
31:38I want to see a BP to a close range
31:40Just a furry hat, Alan
31:42I've just got to stay just for a little bit, yeah?
31:46Why don't you have a throw, yeah?
31:49Go on
31:50Go on
31:51Have a throw
31:52For me
31:56Right, can we go now?
31:57You're standing wrong
31:59Oh!
32:00You show him
32:01Fine and mild
32:08And a bottle of white
32:10They'd get the cheapest one
32:12Yeah
32:19You must be Gary
32:20Fantastic
32:21You're Aunty Terry
32:22Real special lady
32:23Real special lady, yeah?
32:26Here you go, my love
32:28Try that
32:30Shelley, I'm a minus 4.5
32:32I think it's holding you back
32:35Clear the board, Lance!
32:36What about that?
32:37Yes!
32:38Better
32:39From, uh, Uncle Mick?
32:40Oh, sweet!
32:41Who's Uncle Mick?
32:42We don't have an Uncle Mick
32:43We might have one day
32:44If I play my cards right
32:45Well, hopefully Uncle's come to drive us up west
32:48Lot of cash in it
32:49Well, I should know, I'm making it
32:50She's spending it, but I'm making it
32:51It's always the way, eh, girlies
32:54Oh, no. No, thank you, not for me
32:55I've got a bit of a headache
32:56Actually
32:57Graham?
32:58What?
32:59What?
33:00Got a bit of a headache
33:01Right
33:04I'll drink some water
33:05I'll drink some water
33:06Oh no, no, thank you
33:07Not for me
33:08Got a bit of a headache
33:09Actually
33:10Graham?
33:11What?
33:12Got a bit of a headache
33:13Right
33:14Ah, well, I'll drink some water
33:16I have a drink some water
33:17Oh, it's not for me
33:18No, I've got a headache
33:19Oh, well, I'll drink some water
33:20Come on, go on
33:21Excuse me.
33:25I'm going for a cigarette.
33:27All right, love.
33:29Want another beer?
33:35Jack the Ripper who?
33:36Maybe I didn't need to go traipsing around Whitechapel
33:40listening to someone witter on about disembowelling.
33:43I'd disc up a dance.
33:48These arrows have given me life.
33:51I was starting to feel optimistic.
33:55Whereas Mick was feeling Becky with the bad hair's arse.
34:00Look, no hands.
34:01All right, Mr. Octopus.
34:06How come?
34:08Mother, I've missed chatting to you.
34:11It's my fault I've been glued to that hockey all night.
34:15Oh, making yourself home at night.
34:17Hey, he's come all this way to see me practice my darts.
34:23That's the thing about Mick.
34:25It takes an interest.
34:26In my interests.
34:29Yeah.
34:30What happened to Greg?
34:31I liked him.
34:32Married.
34:33Terry, you watch Dynasty.
34:38You should know that they never, ever, ever leave the wife.
34:41But they give the old spiel, don't they?
34:44She doesn't understand me.
34:45It's different with you.
34:47And the next thing it's,
34:48I've got ringworm, Terry.
34:49I can't leave the house.
34:51Most men are bastards, Alan.
34:53I mean, not you, obviously.
34:56You're a sweetheart.
34:58And your dad, you know, your dad's...
35:00Right, I mean, oh, my God, he's boring.
35:03He was talking to me about the transfer window.
35:06I said, Graham,
35:07I'm going to stick my head through the window in a minute.
35:10Wait.
35:11When you get a good one, Alan,
35:13do you make sure you hold on to him?
35:14Oh, Terry.
35:22He was grabbing that woman's bum while you were in the loo.
35:27The shark wasn't her bum, Alan.
35:30She's very thin.
35:31It's probably her elbow.
35:32He doesn't care about your doubts, Terry.
35:39He's probably out of my league anyway.
35:41I mean, look at him.
35:43He's using a coaster as a toothpick.
35:47Terry, no, look at me, look at me.
35:50You are a strong, independent, beautiful woman.
35:54Stop it.
35:56I mean, man would kill for that kind of volume in her fringe.
36:00And I know she thinks you're a nightmare,
36:02but that's just because of your pizzazz.
36:04That's why you live in London.
36:06Well, greater London.
36:09We're not going, are we, to the West End?
36:12It's a bus and free tubes, Alan.
36:15It's fine.
36:16I'm going to live in London when I'm older.
36:18Be out on the town every night.
36:20Better believe it, kid.
36:22You'll be licking champagne off a chandelier
36:24with a cast of ollie hoax before you know it.
36:27Anyway, I can't leave now, can I?
36:29I've got 86 and free throws to go.
36:32I'm sorry, darling.
36:33You have had fun, haven't you?
36:35Oh!
36:37Yay!
36:41Something stronger?
36:43You trying to get me drunk?
36:45Come on.
36:46Out with it.
36:47Who are you after?
36:49You don't go throwing chicken chow mein at a man for nothing.
36:52Is it Alfie?
36:54Who wants him?
36:56Stoke?
36:57Barnsley?
36:58Stoke City.
36:59But they don't want Alfie.
37:02They want you.
37:05What?
37:05It's a big offer, Graham.
37:06They're not mucking about.
37:08Been eyeing you up for a while.
37:10They're going in for the kiss.
37:11They want to talk.
37:13I can make it happen for you.
37:14Just a phone call.
37:15It would be my pleasure.
37:16I think you'd be mad not to jump at it.
37:20Cobblers were small fry.
37:22But this?
37:23This could change everything for you, Graham.
37:25And the family.
37:26And I'll only take 20%.
37:28You sure I can't tempt you?
37:31Eh?
37:33Yeah.
37:35Oi!
37:36Two sarkies!
37:39The needle.
37:40The sweating.
37:42The urge to get it in the right spot.
37:44It was like that time I OD'd on a Zempig.
37:49You're lonely over there.
37:51Busy, Mick.
37:52We were going to have a good time.
37:54You're having a very good time by the looks of it.
37:57Oh, come here.
37:58She said she's busy.
38:00Ooh, Kenneth Williams to the rescue.
38:03Oh, leave it out, Mick.
38:04Yeah, she's right.
38:06You don't want to be causing no...
38:08Barney Rubble.
38:10It's time we called you...
38:12a sherbet dab.
38:14I think.
38:16Is it now?
38:18Er, can you give me space?
38:19I'm trying to hit a triple top.
38:21Enough, Mick.
38:22Don't you turn your back on me, you little puff.
38:26Ow!
38:28You did that deliberately!
38:30No, I didn't.
38:32It was an accident.
38:32Sling your rope, Wes.
38:35Wes, chuck him out.
38:37He stabbed me!
38:38He threatened my nephew.
38:41What's he been doing in here, eh?
38:43He's only 12.
38:4413 and a half, actually.
38:46I am buzzing!
38:50Oh, my God, Alan!
38:52Get him right in the BCG!
38:54Woo!
38:57Mrs Carr, Terry has left a message for you.
39:00Oh, God.
39:00She said, could you please come back?
39:03Jesus, it's only half past nine.
39:05Er, they're at the king's arms.
39:08I'm going to kill her.
39:09I've tried before, but I'm going to do it this time.
39:10Graham, we need to leave.
39:12Surely not.
39:13Drink round hours first.
39:14Client, sister.
39:14You can follow the jag.
39:15Look, we get it.
39:16You drive the flash car and you eat fish with the eyes in.
39:19Well done, you.
39:20Bye, love.
39:21Graham!
39:26I can't leave.
39:28I mean, I'm leaving the restaurant, but, er...
39:30I can't leave the club.
39:34I appreciate the offer, but, um, down the money...
39:37The money would be nice, but, um...
39:39I won't let my players down.
39:43Or the club.
39:45Or on.
39:47We've been through a lot to get where we are, but, um...
39:50Yeah, there's more left to do.
39:52Nice to meet you.
39:53Look, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, all right?
39:57I won't.
39:59Come on, kids.
40:02Come on, kids.
40:03Terry, why are they in a pub?
40:05I love sport.
40:14See?
40:15He loves sport.
40:16It's not sport.
40:17It's a hobby.
40:18What was that?
40:19Eh?
40:19Nothing.
40:20To think of all those times in P.E. when I had to run around a field in sub-zero temperatures,
40:25and I could have been in dolls in the world.
40:26Okay, so I hadn't seen a beefeater or a single pearly queen, but I had seen life.
40:33And let's be honest, I could have stayed in Northampton to spend the night in a manky pub watching drunks play darts.
40:39But being down here with my favourite aunt made me feel hopeful somehow.
40:44Well, what was the problem, then?
40:46Nothing.
40:47I just thought you might want to see him.
40:50He is fantastic, Graham.
40:52I hope you know how fantastic he is.
40:55And I thought, now that you're a football wife and all that, Chris, that you could do the excuse of getting away from that boring chitchat.
41:02Oh, transfer window.
41:04I need to throw myself out the bloody window.
41:06I said that!
41:07Oh, what a big sister's for, eh?
41:11Oh.
41:13Where's Gary?
41:15Gary?
41:16Oh, there's two of them, aren't there?
41:19Oh.
41:26I reckon if I knuckled down, I could play professionally.
41:29For you.
41:31From the gentleman.
41:32What?
41:33The little one.
41:34Yeah, the fruit was seen.
41:37Thank you, my darling.
41:40Well, at least they've had a good night.
41:43That was nice to get out of Northampton, wasn't it?
41:46You know, change of scenery.
41:48No, I'm sorry.
41:49London is overrated.
41:50Oh, no.
41:51Oh, it's a stubborn man.
41:52What?
41:53Oh, the imagination on him.
41:56I think he's overtired.
41:57Oh, me and all.
41:58Right, take us back home.
42:01Back to Northampton.
42:03To Northampton.
42:05To Northampton.
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