- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Mum was a pig in muck that day.
00:05The sun was out, the cobblers were riding high.
00:08Nothing was gonna spoil her day.
00:11Judith!
00:15Nothing.
00:17Hi, Jill!
00:20Nothing.
00:21Morning. Anything for me?
00:23Oh, sod off.
00:24Okay, maybe that would.
00:26Did the cobblers lose on Saturday?
00:27Oh, it'd be Cardiff City 3-2.
00:30You were there.
00:31The ref gave us a penalty last minute.
00:33Ah, bless him.
00:35If we won, why am I getting funny looks from everyone?
00:37It's those earmuffs.
00:39I've told you not to wear them.
00:40I don't!
00:41The muffs fell off.
00:42It's more of an Alice band now.
00:44I swear the lollipop lady gave me evils.
00:48Ask public enemy number one.
00:51Oh.
00:52I just spoke to the cron about being a football manager's wife.
00:55Your dad thinks I said too much.
00:57Oh.
00:58Okay.
00:59I see a lot of envy in the street and that hurts.
01:02I am a person, you know.
01:04Cut me.
01:05I bleed.
01:06Well, I do.
01:07A friendly wife from me brightens up the most mundane of Mondays for me neighbours.
01:13What were you thinking, Mum?
01:16I didn't say that.
01:17I said Tuesdays.
01:18They're twisting my words.
01:19Newspapers don't lie.
01:20And when it comes to me sons, me Alan's a slave to the prune jewels.
01:25He gets very banged up!
01:26One little comment.
01:27Why are you bringing up me constipation in a froth piece?
01:30It's a good job Alan and Gary don't want to be footballers.
01:33Their wives happen to put up with this every time they open their maths.
01:36My mum was right, I couldn't follow in my dad's footsteps for my wife's sake.
01:47But I was on a different path and in a matter of moments I'd know exactly what path that was.
01:53Jake, what'd you get?
01:59Architect.
02:00Oh, nice.
02:01Like Tom Selleck and Freeman in a bag.
02:03Oi, oi, oi, bum boy.
02:04Your bum's up Alan.
02:05Mum, stick a prune up my arse.
02:07Oh, please, Mummy, it won't come out.
02:14So this was it.
02:15Next two.
02:16Questionnaire completed and a computer had decided our futures.
02:20The job you'd be doing until the day you died.
02:24Chamber maid?
02:26She wanted a career in the sciences.
02:29Oh, she will be working with chemicals.
02:31Jif, Dementos and Alan.
02:33We all know where this is going.
02:35But will it be comedian, presenter, muse, national treasure?
02:40I can't go to prison.
02:42Would a grammar school pupil get prisoner?
02:44Where is the ambition?
02:45No, Kate. Prison Walden.
02:47True.
02:48There it was, in black and white.
02:50Prison Warden.
02:51What a slap in the face.
02:53It's like the hopes and dreams had been put on death row.
02:56You do get a uniform.
02:57I can't wear a tattoo grey.
02:59Look at me.
03:00I need a pop of colour.
03:02I know I tick working in dolls and meeting interesting people,
03:06but I meant socialites and celebrities.
03:09Not shoplifters and serial killers.
03:11He deserves a second chance.
03:13I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.
03:15No, love, don't worry about it.
03:17I'll get something worse.
03:18What's worse than that?
03:20Careers advisor.
03:22Come on, Kate, grab your satchel.
03:24I think we've had quite a laugh.
03:27Shut the door, please.
03:29I'm crossing the picket line here.
03:30Social suicide.
03:31Just checking you're alright.
03:32What with the article.
03:33I know you've had hate mail.
03:34No.
03:35No, I haven't.
03:36It's coming.
03:37Look, I doubt most of them have even read it.
03:38Oh, Christine, there's been a meeting.
03:39I don't want to speak for the whole street, but the words lady muck were used.
03:40Cow.
03:41Silly cow.
03:42Rude cow.
03:43Any more.
03:44Oh, it's all in the minutes.
03:45I did try to defend you.
03:46I said she's not being rude.
03:47She's just a bit thick.
03:48But they've got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
03:49This is just what happens with success.
03:50People turn around.
03:51I don't know.
03:52I don't know.
03:53I don't know.
03:54I don't know.
03:55I don't know.
03:56I don't know.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I don't know.
03:59I don't know.
04:00I don't know.
04:01I don't know.
04:02I don't know.
04:03I don't know.
04:04But they've got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
04:06This is just what happens with success.
04:08People turn on you.
04:09I mean, look at Fergie.
04:11Oh, Christine, that's it.
04:13You've got to do what the royals do.
04:15What, open a supermarket?
04:17No, have a garden party.
04:18They let all the plebs in for the afternoon, look at their pot plants.
04:21They're no-one minds that they cosy up to dictators and marry their cousins.
04:24Well, they're not going to come if they hate me that much, are they?
04:26Christine, they'd go to Saddam Hussein's house if he was giving them a free burger.
04:29Right.
04:31You think on it, yeah?
04:33I don't know.
04:34I don't know.
04:35I don't know.
04:36I don't know.
04:37I don't know.
04:38I don't know.
04:39I don't know.
04:40I don't know.
04:41I don't know.
04:42I don't know.
04:43I don't know.
04:44Molly from 26.
04:45Oh.
04:46Hi, Molly.
04:47Welcome.
04:48Bye, Diane.
04:50Oh, Diane.
04:51Thanks for coming.
04:52Oh.
04:53Oh, you shouldn't have.
04:54Not good enough, eh?
04:56I'll drink it myself.
04:58Gee.
04:59Oh.
05:00Strong start.
05:01I'll come to something if you know you're going to wait.
05:02I'm not going to watch the couplers every week.
05:05It's true.
05:06Graham.
05:07Door.
05:08Right?
05:09Look.
05:10If you want to invite anyone, you can always use our phone.
05:14Call a friend?
05:15Bradley?
05:16Oh.
05:17Or Jake.
05:18Jake, maybe.
05:19Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here.
05:22So...
05:23Yeah, why don't you call him?
05:24Mum said she'll give me a fiver if I stay for an hour.
05:25Right.
05:26OK, there you go.
05:27Uh...
05:28Solid bar.
05:29I'll have a burger, please.
05:30Mmm.
05:32Are you all right, Mage?
05:33Yeah.
05:34Are you all right, Mage?
05:35Yeah.
05:36One of those best?
05:37Ah, burger.
05:38Right.
05:39Right.
05:40Over here.
05:41Right, now.
05:42Right.
05:43I'll have a burger, please.
05:44Oh, no.
05:45I'll have a burger, please.
05:46Oh, no.
05:47I'll have a burger, please.
05:48Oh, no.
05:49You all right, Mage?
05:50Yeah.
05:51What are those best?
05:52Ah, burger.
05:53Right.
05:54Over here.
05:55Right, now.
05:56Good.
05:57Good.
05:58Good.
05:59Do you...
06:01Move my sausages?
06:02No.
06:03All right, let's...
06:04Oh!
06:05Oh!
06:06Oh!
06:07Oh!
06:08Oh!
06:09Oh!
06:10Oh!
06:11Oh!
06:12Oh!
06:13Oh!
06:14Oh!
06:15Oh!
06:16Oh!
06:17Oh!
06:18Oh!
06:19Oh!
06:20Oh!
06:21Oh!
06:22This one's good?
06:23Oh, I'm...
06:24I'm Tom.
06:25Oh, all right, Tom.
06:26You all right?
06:27Graham.
06:28Tom.
06:29Nigel Hudson.
06:30How you doing?
06:31You all right?
06:32You after a burger?
06:33Oh, no, no, no, no.
06:34I'm on the job.
06:35Boss will catch me slacking.
06:36Ah, I saw the skip out front.
06:37Best years of my life working on a building site.
06:39Babe magnet, aren't they?
06:40Sitting up there with the legs swinging.
06:41Tell my Ange.
06:42She wolf whistled me.
06:43Right.
06:44And, uh, what do you do now?
06:46Insoles.
06:47Yeah, we're number one supplier in the West Midlands area.
06:50Big demand for insoles, then.
06:51Just a bit, mate.
06:52I mean, look around you.
06:53How many feet are here?
06:54You got, what?
06:55Twenty old guests?
06:56Two feet each?
06:57That's...
06:58That's a lot of feet.
06:59Yeah.
07:00No, it sure is.
07:01Uh, no, what about you, Graham?
07:02What do you do?
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:04Go on here, tell him.
07:05Yeah.
07:06I'm a football manager.
07:07Northampton Town Cobblers.
07:08Never.
07:09Really?
07:10Yeah.
07:11Oh, God.
07:12You guys are doing pretty well.
07:13Yeah, I'm doing all right.
07:14They're really chucking that Dijon.
07:15This is my eldest, Alan.
07:16Alan, Alan, this is Tom.
07:17He's next door's builder.
07:18Hello, Tom.
07:19You're going to play football like your old man?
07:20Not unless they build a pitch in strange ways.
07:21Oh, his careers advisor says he's going to be a prison warden.
07:23Oh.
07:24Computers don't they?
07:25Oh, come off it.
07:26Computers can't predict the future.
07:27My wife can.
07:28Mm-hm.
07:29Yeah.
07:30Yeah.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Yeah.
07:33Yeah.
07:34Yeah.
07:35Yeah.
07:36Yeah.
07:37Yeah.
07:38Yeah.
07:39Yeah.
07:40Yeah.
07:41Yeah.
07:42Yeah.
07:43Yeah.
07:44Yeah.
07:45Yeah.
07:46Yeah.
07:47Yeah.
07:48Yeah.
07:49Deb, she can, you know, see things.
07:54And she's right every time.
07:56She knew I needed a root canal months before the dentist.
08:00I'm trying to get her on to you, bet.
08:02But she doesn't like to shout about it.
08:04It's true, Deb.
08:05Is he psychic?
08:06What did I just say?
08:07I'd say, Roy.
08:08Who needed a computer when you had a chain-smoking,
08:11Cardi-wearing oracle at your fingertips?
08:19Oh, come on.
08:20I come bearing gifts.
08:25Well, gift.
08:26Oh.
08:27Oh, I'm your new neighbour, Jess.
08:30Please do help yourself to a wine or a burger.
08:36Chris, look who I just found.
08:38Oh, Ron.
08:39So glad you could make it.
08:41Wouldn't miss this for the world.
08:42It's lovely to see you.
08:43Yeah.
08:46It's quite to an hour.
08:47Well, that is considering.
08:48Last time I let her near a dictaphone.
08:51Maybe just a quick reading.
08:53Larry, I can't on the cop in case.
08:55Well, I must have to see you.
08:57Roger.
08:58It was my future.
08:59I wanted spoilers.
09:00I predict that you are going to need a rest after all this.
09:05Speaking of predictions,
09:07if someone had a question about the future...
09:11What do you want to know?
09:12Me?
09:13God, I don't know.
09:15I haven't really thought about it all up in the moment, me.
09:18God, you really put me on the spot, you old Debs.
09:21Am I going to be a prison warden?
09:23Why?
09:24Do you want to be?
09:25Do you see me swinging round a truncheon?
09:27Of course I don't.
09:28It was a prediction.
09:30Well, what else did this psychic say?
09:34No, it wasn't a psychic.
09:35It was a Commodore 64.
09:37I'm not following you, Alan.
09:39I read a thing the other day
09:41that a prisoner made a machete out of a toothbrush,
09:43swallowed it all, pooed it out and shanked someone.
09:45Alan.
09:46Why are you telling me this?
09:48That computer robbed me of my future, Debs.
09:51I should have some hope.
09:53No second opinion.
09:55Please give me a reading.
09:57Maybe later, love.
09:58Just finish me calling on the cop.
10:03I can't relax with you working over there
10:05whilst we're having all this fun.
10:06You sure I can't tempt you to a beer?
10:08Oh, don't drink and drill, Christine.
10:10Well, there might not be any left later.
10:11The old streets come.
10:12I think they needed a bit of an heat.
10:14Don't want to get in trouble with the boss, do I?
10:16Right.
10:17Wouldn't want to upset Jez.
10:19Why not?
10:20You've upset everyone else.
10:21I think you've had enough.
10:30Sorry, Debs.
10:31I know you've got everyone bending your ear,
10:33but just wondering if you see any babies on the horizon.
10:37I think that ship's sailed, don't you?
10:39Ship's sailed?
10:40I am yeas off there, thank you.
10:42No, I mean grandchildren.
10:44Oh, right.
10:45I've always wanted to be Nanny Hench.
10:47But Charlie's a bit of a heartthrob.
10:50Mmm.
10:51You're worried he won't settle?
10:53Well, I'll see what comes to me.
10:56Would you?
10:57Mm-hmm.
11:00You getting anything?
11:01It's not instant.
11:02I know.
11:04Lovely weather for it.
11:06Dry.
11:07Yeah?
11:09We've had some good times, haven't we?
11:11We'll have plenty more, I'm sure.
11:13Seventh in the league.
11:19You all right?
11:20I'm not drunk already, are you?
11:22Drunk?
11:23No.
11:24Wish I was.
11:25Make this a lot easier.
11:30Oh, hello.
11:32It's funny you say about babies,
11:34cos I can see you with a big belly.
11:38A big round belly.
11:41Waddling you are.
11:43Around the shop.
11:44What?
11:45What?
11:46Nothing tips.
11:49Is Nigel the father?
11:52It's not Ron's, is it?
11:54Because there is a frisson.
11:55You're not pregnant.
11:56No.
11:58Shoving something up your jumper.
12:01Oh!
12:03Now there's an arm on your shoulder.
12:05I don't understand, Debs.
12:06Is this sexual?
12:08Oh!
12:09Store detective.
12:10Caught in the act.
12:12I have stopped all that.
12:14I only did it twice for the adrenaline.
12:15Packet of 40 denier tights and a lip gloss.
12:17Oh!
12:18Now there's blue flashing lights.
12:20Debs, you are scaring me.
12:22Oh, look.
12:23I'm sorry.
12:24It's just I see what I see.
12:25Where's that drink?
12:26Here's me drink.
12:28So?
12:29What does she say?
12:30I'm waiting for her to do me.
12:31You alright, Ange?
12:32Oh!
12:33You're very pale.
12:34She sees it all.
12:36Your darkest secrets.
12:38I'll come off it.
12:39It's only a bit of a laugh.
12:41It's not a laugh, Christine.
12:42She's got a third eye under that fringe.
12:45It sort of gushes out of her.
12:47Things you do not want to know.
12:49God knows what she said to Geraldine,
12:51but she's just thrown her wedding in a bush.
12:53Oh.
12:54No, I'd stay clear if I were you.
12:56Well clear.
12:58But she can't see everything, can she?
13:02Everything.
13:04She knows you better than you know yourself.
13:09Oh, my God!
13:13Uh, Graham, I've got something I want to tell you.
13:17Okay.
13:26That is work done.
13:27Oh, Christine.
13:29I couldn't have that beer that you were teasing me with.
13:32Cheers, aren't you sweet? Letting your builder knock off early.
13:36And this shepherd's pie.
13:38Beautiful.
13:39It's actually moussaka.
13:42Your wife's in the lottery, Jess.
13:44Hasn't she, Jess?
13:45Uh, Debs.
13:46Oh, I'm trying, love, I am.
13:48Let's leave it.
13:49I think I'll get there, love.
13:50Don't worry about the old prison thing.
13:52The uniform's growing on me, and who doesn't love a metal detector?
13:56It's no trouble, love.
13:57Okay, so-rah, so-rah.
13:59Cause I think I'm getting some...
14:00Leave it, Debs!
14:01Right, gather round, everyone!
14:02Gather round!
14:03After polishing off a caraffa wine, Mum was ready to address her subjects.
14:12Right!
14:14Come on, don't be shy.
14:16I wanted to thank you all for coming.
14:19It's lovely to see such a big turnout.
14:21You might hate me, but you love a free wine.
14:27No.
14:29No.
14:31I'm sorry if my comments in the cron were...
14:34...bit much.
14:35I honestly didn't mean to patronise...
14:39...talk down to you.
14:41We know what patronise means.
14:42I never meant to put me foot in it.
14:44Size six, high insults.
14:46I love you all.
14:48I do.
14:49And if smiling and waving at you is a crime, well then lock me up.
14:52There you go.
14:53That's your first customer.
14:54I love seeing your little faces light up.
14:59In fact, you know what, I'm gonna do this again.
15:02I'm gonna do this bi-annually.
15:05What's £176?
15:07Now, I know that's a lot to you lot, but if it spreads a bit of happiness...
15:11Oh, Jesus Christ.
15:12Cause I love you.
15:14I do.
15:15And I love my boys.
15:16Get up here, boys.
15:17Where's my Alan?
15:18Wait!
15:19Eat, drink and be merry.
15:22I'm getting something.
15:23Here you go.
15:24Showtime.
15:25She does this one.
15:26It's the big one, okay?
15:27But she can't get a signal through the wall.
15:29Erm, no.
15:30Actually, I had...
15:31It's ever so clear, this one.
15:33Should we do this inside?
15:34I can see.
15:35Oh, you're knackered, Debs.
15:36You don't know what you're saying.
15:37I'm saying.
15:38Clapping.
15:40People clapping.
15:41Hundreds of them.
15:42Go on.
15:43And one of those mirrors.
15:45With the little light bulbs all around it.
15:48Oh.
15:49His little face.
15:51Glowing.
15:53Oh, my God.
15:54Oh.
15:55And there's a camera.
15:56I knew it, Mum.
15:57This is my future.
15:58Come on, Debs.
15:59I'm gonna be famous.
16:01Not you.
16:02Him.
16:03Ah.
16:04Gary?
16:05Gary!
16:06Me.
16:07King!
16:08Oh, I knew she had it in her.
16:10This is not fair.
16:11He's to be in prison.
16:12I should be the one on stage.
16:14Oh.
16:15Oh.
16:16Oh.
16:17Oh.
16:18Oh.
16:19All alone in the moonlight.
16:21I can smile at the old days.
16:25Alan!
16:26Alan!
16:27Alan!
16:28Shh!
16:29People are eating, love.
16:30Get off that.
16:31You'll break it.
16:32Look, I see what I see.
16:34Yeah, we'll try seeing something else.
16:36Did you hear her? Little star.
16:38God, the papers have been knocking again.
16:40There's more.
16:41Don't pack it in now, Debs. You've had your fun.
16:43Someone is moving on.
16:46She's opened the floodgates now.
16:48Come on, Debs.
16:50Someone is leaving.
16:53Oh, I've got to go and feed the cat.
16:55They're coming out of something difficult.
16:59Oh, they've paid too great a price.
17:02Good, oh, my hairs are standing up.
17:04A secret burns inside of them.
17:10Graham, I'd better tell you before Nostradamus does.
17:15I'm leaving the club.
17:17No, it's gone. Sorry.
17:21There's no more cash.
17:23I've run out.
17:25I can't take you any further.
17:27Oh, Graham, grab the kitchen roll.
17:36Everybody's talking at me.
17:39I don't feel worthy of saying.
17:43Hey, love.
17:45Have hot dog.
17:45They'll only go in the bin.
17:49We can't help it.
17:51We're just destined for greatness, this family.
17:54I'm not.
17:56Oh, Alan, since when have you listened to your teachers?
17:58I can't be a prison warden.
18:01Of course you can't.
18:02You get claustrophobic putting on a roll neck.
18:04I just thought that the future would be better than...
18:08now.
18:11Oh, Alan.
18:13We'll have a brilliant future.
18:14Look, you don't need all the answers now, do you?
18:19It's part of the fun.
18:21Finding your way.
18:23Working it all out.
18:24I have to find my way out of Broadmoor first.
18:27They are coming up with new jobs all the time.
18:29You could be a robot or something.
18:31Look, I can't tell the future like Debs.
18:34But I know you'll have a job you'll be proud of.
18:38And whatever it is, I'll be telling everyone I meet,
18:42that's my son.
18:44Really?
18:45Cos you were pretty quiet when I was shrink-wrapping dog food
18:48on that industrial estate.
18:49Thanks, Mum.
18:51I needed to wear that.
18:53As Doris Day would say,
18:56OK, sara, sara.
18:57Check this one out.
18:59So, two nuns in a bath.
19:01One says, where's the son?
19:02I tried everything.
19:07I really did.
19:08Got so many corners.
19:10I even mowed the pitch myself for the last six months.
19:14You should have said something.
19:16I didn't want you worrying.
19:17Oh, well, I'm bloody worrying now.
19:20Well, don't.
19:21You are flying, Graham.
19:23That's not down to me.
19:24It's down to us.
19:26No, we did it together.
19:29Graham.
19:32Working with you has been the honour of my life.
19:37I'll come off it.
19:38You have been more of a brother to me
19:39than me own sister.
19:43But that gypsy woman was right.
19:46It's time for me to go, so...
19:49I'm going to stand up
19:52and walk through those aluminium sliding doors.
19:57No, please, don't.
20:02I've never been any good at goodbyes.
20:06Fancy my soccer run?
20:08Oh, that'd be lovely.
20:16Dad?
20:17Yeah?
20:19How long's Ron staying?
20:20Cos I want to watch Brookside.
20:21Not long.
20:30Lock up, will you?
20:31I hear the train a coming
20:38It's rolling around the bend
20:40And I ain't seen the sunshine since
20:43I don't know what to say
20:45I'm stuck with four to the river
20:47That time keeps dragging on
20:51Quiet down.
20:56Lights out.
20:57The summer of 89
20:59And it was horribly close on the close
21:03As temperatures soared to a record high
21:05Alan, you're going to have to stop doing that
21:07You're going to defrost me mints
21:07Don't let me go in
21:08They won't even let you take your tie off
21:10It's inhumane
21:11Gary!
21:13A few days into our host park band
21:15And we were as frazzled as our lawns
21:17Why am I wearing a coat?
21:19You're going to be 89 today
21:20The calves didn't do well in the heat
21:22You're going to be 89 today
21:24This is too much
21:25We need to evacuate
21:27Send me to the coast
21:28Charlie's cool as a cucumber
21:30It's in the blood, isn't it?
21:31We're a 16th Mediterranean
21:32Mediterranean, yeah
21:33You've told us
21:34Bit hot for that, isn't it?
21:37Oh, that actually worked
21:38Nothing a cool lemonade won't sort
21:41That builder's taking a mick, ain't he?
21:44Aye, oh, you know full well
21:45We're being talked about
21:46Right, give us a kiss
21:47Come here
21:49Oh, what's that?
21:52Give a sip
21:52You've defrosted me peas
21:56It's got sweetcomb round the back
21:58You're not having my sweetcomb
21:59Why am I still in this coat?
22:01This is ungodly
22:03I'll be quite sure
22:05All of the windows are open
22:06Yes?
22:07Really?
22:09To the Lord's sake
22:10It barely opens an inch
22:11I think it's so we don't fall out
22:13Live a little
22:14She'll be falling out of everything at your age
22:16Trees
22:17Nightclubs
22:18Aeroplates
22:19For a woman who'd once snapped
22:21Julian Lloyd Webber's cello in half
22:22Miss Gideon looked unusually vulnerable
22:25Well, we have a very special guest with us here today
22:28She's a published author
22:29She's written three books
22:31Most recently
22:33Jagged Rocks
22:34Yes
22:34Which has sold various copies
22:36Worldwide
22:37And she's launching a short story competition
22:40With a £10 Woolworth voucher
22:43Up for grabs
22:44Oh
22:44So, welcome to the here
22:47My dear, dear friend
22:49Madeline Whitwell
22:50I hope we're all readers here
22:56Oh, yes
22:57Good
22:58That's how it starts
22:59To write
23:00You have got to read
23:01I've been reading since I was one
23:03I could read before I could walk
23:06School was awful for me
23:08I had one friend
23:09And she was a hamster
23:12Books have been my refuge
23:14My joy
23:15Place to escape
23:17I felt like that author was talking directly to me
23:22But then her voice was so booming
23:24It also felt like she was talking to Arthur Kettering and Corby
23:26Books have been good to me
23:28And I have been good to books
23:30My God
23:32It is hot in here
23:34Madeline
23:35Oh my God
23:39I loved to read
23:40Hated school
23:41And I only had one friend
23:42This was my calling
23:43What did we do when this happened?
23:44I was going to be
23:45A writer
23:46You know, sometimes
23:48The right person comes along
23:49At just the right time
23:51And gives you a good old
23:52Hey
23:52Give him a rest, Grace
23:5589 degrees, isn't it?
23:57Yeah, this is the pitch
23:58Come on, boys
23:58Nick, this is the pitch
24:00Come in, come in
24:01I want a picture
24:02I want a memento of this moment
24:05The moment that I, Nick Chalmers, single-handedly saved the cobblers
24:09100% success rate
24:11Satisfaction guaranteed
24:13Or your money back
24:14Right, can we do it later?
24:16You know, we're in the middle of training
24:17I bought them
24:21I'm the chairman
24:22I want to ickle-pickle with them, don't I?
24:25Yep
24:26It's a new era
24:27Nick's on the ball
24:28Get in!
24:30Get that for us, son
24:31Really?
24:32Really, yes
24:33What are you wearing a jumper for, you donut?
24:35Go on, off you go
24:36Right, come on, boys
24:37In front of the goal
24:38Get in, quick, quick, quick
24:39Wipe your nose
24:41Right, come on, Gray
24:42You and me at the front
24:43Ron used to stand to the side at the back
24:46He also used to wazz your money up a wall
24:48So forgive me if I don't follow suit
24:50Come on, you and me, in the front
24:51Get up, what are you doing?
24:54We're not a communion
24:54Gray, come on, big smiles
24:57Look at that
24:58Big smiles
25:00Come on, Gray, cheer up, you miserable git
25:03Smile
25:03Everyone have fun
25:06Say cobblers
25:07Cobblers
25:08Louder than that
25:10What's wrong with you?
25:10Cobblers!
25:11Cobblers!
25:12Yeah!
25:13The crumbling rap
25:14Crumbling
25:15Hit the consonants
25:17The crumbling rock
25:21The dewy moss
25:22Feel the dew
25:24Yeah, I am
25:25Crustaceans clinging like a baby to the nipple
25:35I hope you would be here without the nipple
25:38Okay, Alan, let's stop there
25:39That's enough for now
25:42I think Madeline needs to rest
25:43No, I don't
25:45I'll read it
25:46I'll read it
25:47Stop
25:47Wait
25:48Stop
25:48Just do your work
25:51He's elegant, isn't he?
25:53Like a gazelle
25:53Oh
25:55Jake
25:57You see?
25:59I've really noticed
26:00A writing competition
26:04With my imagination
26:06I could definitely do this
26:09Oh
26:09I can't do this
26:11It's too hard to do anything
26:12Just lie down
26:13They say write what you know
26:14That's alright for Jackie Collins
26:15She lived in Monte Carlo
26:16What am I going to write about?
26:18What?
26:18The grove in the centre and dairy?
26:20Don't knock it till you tried it
26:22I'm going on a walk
26:23I need inspiration
26:24Oh
26:25Stop
26:26Even though Ange had a bad garden
26:29She preferred to burn in public
26:32Uh, Ange?
26:38What's Charlie writing about?
26:40He's trying to fry an egg on the windowsill at the minute, Alan
26:41We got a short story competition
26:44Has he mentioned it?
26:45He hasn't, no
26:46I'm struggling, to be honest
26:48Still trying to find my muse
26:51Alan, that's very sweet
26:54But I'm a bit busy at the minute
26:55Er
26:55Can't believe it
26:56Someone's got the sprinkler on
26:58There is a home pipe bag
27:00Got the sprinkler on?
27:03What?
27:04I followed the sound, Christine
27:05It's coming from here
27:05No, we haven't got a sprinkler
27:07Don't lie to me
27:08I've seen you long
27:09Nigel, I'm telling you
27:10We do not have a sprinkler
27:11Well, someone has
27:12Where's Graham?
27:15He's at work
27:15Nigel, do your breathing
27:16Alright?
27:18Wait, listen
27:18I can hear it
27:19It's Jane's house
27:30Jane's in respite care
27:31Oh, she will be in a minute
27:32Jane!
27:35Sorry about him
27:36He gets a bit in the heat, you know
27:37We think it's glandular
27:38Yeah
27:39He was up 3am last night
27:40Thinking he was flying a spitfire
27:41Kept trying to find the ejector seat
27:43And look at me
27:44I haven't even asked how your prickly heat is
27:46I don't have prickly heat
27:47You poor bugger
27:48I saw you from across the road the other day
27:50Legs like pepper armies
27:51Is it so?
27:52Not as sore as that's going to be
27:53So, to inspire those short story characters
27:59Look across at the person opposite
28:02And feel them with your eyes
28:05Let your gaze caress their hair, their cheekbones
28:10Describe them poetically
28:13Bathe in metaphors and similes
28:17Shall I start?
28:23With your eyes
28:26They're like opals
28:31Opal gemstones
28:34Opal gemstones, not opal fruits
28:35Or a lake
28:37With sunlight bouncing off the surface
28:41Offset with your mesmerising mood
28:45Ring on your pinky
28:46Oh, thanks, but it's a signet ring
28:49And your hair is brown, isn't it?
28:53Basic brown, so I'm finished
28:54Oh, look, I've got to do yours now
28:56Jake was going to describe me
28:58I wonder if he'd mention my shapely legs
29:01It was supposed to be in PE 10 minutes ago
29:03Excuse me, do you mind?
29:06It's supposed to be up and out
29:07Not sat here like rotting veg
29:08They cannot go outside in this heat
29:11Yeah, I can't play rounders today
29:13You can't play rounders any day, you crap
29:15I had merely tweaked the schedule
29:18For the good of their health
29:19Oh, you just want a captive audience
29:21Cos you can't get an acting job
29:23Et tu, Brute
29:25That's Shakespeare
29:27Get your sport out of my classroom
29:30What are you going to do about it, little lady?
29:34No, she is little
29:35She is fierce
29:36Shakespeare again
29:38Oh, is she now?
29:39Yes, she is
29:41Is she?
29:42She is
29:43I am
29:45Right
29:49Right
29:53Anybody who wants to do rounders, follow me
29:56What about my eyes?
30:00You shouldn't be allowed to just yank a pupil out
30:02In the middle of an exercise
30:03Awful man
30:04Are you all right, miss?
30:06Please, Alan
30:07I need to remember this
30:08Without your voice
30:09Oh, God
30:13Have you thought what you're going to write about?
30:22I don't know, probably the war
30:23No way
30:25Yeah, me too
30:27Yeah?
30:28Mmm
30:28What, what?
30:30Oh, well, they all blend together after a while, don't they?
30:33So what drew you to war?
30:34I don't know, it's just interesting, isn't it?
30:37Politics and that, all the country
30:38Oh, God, yeah
30:39It's like being in Eurovision
30:40You boom, banger, bangs over Dresden
30:44I think I'm going to focus more on the
30:47On the relationship between the soldiers
30:50The buzz in the trench
30:51Yeah, yeah
30:52Sounds good
30:53Oh
30:55We should probably do some research
30:57So, why don't we meet up one lunchtime
30:59Go to the library
31:00Cool
31:01Yeah
31:02Oh, that's my boss
31:04See you, Alan
31:05Yeah, bye
31:06War, what was it good for?
31:09Absolutely everything
31:10Of all the nice things you could write about
31:13Why have you chosen the war?
31:15There were nice moments in the war
31:17The camaraderie
31:18Singing
31:19We'll meet again around the old Joanna
31:21My story
31:23It's about two soldiers
31:24Their wives
31:26Dead
31:27Oh, both of them?
31:29Mmm
31:29But it's campaign in Kettering
31:32It's normally the soldiers who die in it
31:33Why have you killed off the wives?
31:35I'm playing with the film
31:36Picture this
31:38It's late at night
31:41They're trying to sleep
31:45Well, they can't because of all
31:48Maybe they're showing each other photographs of their wives
31:50Little black and white ones
31:51Why are you so obsessed with the wives?
31:57A visit from the muse
31:58I've got something in this jiffy bag, Alan
32:01That's going to get your juices flowing
32:02I doubt it
32:04Is your mum in?
32:05Yeah
32:05That's a shame
32:06You're in the parks there, aren't you?
32:08You know, there's a hoot pipe band
32:09Yeah, they say you should be doing it
32:11It's illegal
32:12Well, why can you and I come?
32:13No, wait
32:14No, seriously
32:15Give it back
32:16What are you doing?
32:17You shouldn't be doing it
32:18It's illegal
32:18Oh, you're taking this, please?
32:20I don't know
32:21It's illegal
32:22Longing
32:22To legal
32:23Or, you're shaking
32:24Okay, that's...
32:25You're usually standing at I'mma
32:25Give it back
32:26See you
32:26Give it back
32:27See you
32:27See you
32:28It'sine
32:28ises
32:29You're Mt.
32:30Do you don't wanna eat?
32:30You're not gonna eat
32:31Or, is it going to eat?
32:32All right, room for another Calipo in there right fudge up
32:44You always have a bar because of the lads
32:47No, no, it's
32:50It's a heat. I'm gonna get up. I know you're gutted that your little mates run off and left you in the lurch and I feel for you
32:58I really do but I hope you'll come to think of this me as an opportunity
33:04You know 20 years of running around getting a ball smacked in your face will make you thick
33:10That's just science
33:12And I know you're very good at the kick it there kick it in the goal there crap, but you ain't a businessman
33:19You need a thinker someone with a bit of mouse. Yeah, you've got plenty of that. Yes, I do
33:25I'm gonna make changes great big changes
33:29The cavalry is here
33:33Well, uh, excuse me. I've got work to do
33:41Lean as a whistle great. We should have all our meetings in there. I like it
33:55Oh, of course you're having a bath it's two inches of water ranch rest of us making do with a wet wipe under each armpit
34:01But you yeah, you fill your boots
34:04I bought you these over oh because I know your parents don't read I do read I did a book club
34:10I suggested a book 15-minute meals Christine pasta bake is not a plot you want a love story you will not get better than those
34:18200 of them the passion on those pages
34:21It compares me to a right nectarine in one of them. Oh, I love a bright neck to rain everyone does
34:27That's his point. I'm trying to stay strong in here, but it's good. It's Darrell Darrell
34:35Darrell was a poet
34:37a poet and a burglar you've got a prison pen pal
34:40Bloody hell and long time ago. He's out now working in Timpsons and what's this? Oh good. We were beyond words by the end
34:49Hmm
34:51Did Dar ever write your love letters mum? No
34:53No, we're not
34:56No, I don't need letters
34:58It's your actions, isn't it? He shows me. How? How does he show you?
35:03Lots of ways
35:05He um, he uh
35:08He it's it's the little things isn't it cleared loft out for me the other day
35:13Nigel cuts my uh, I toast into little hearts
35:18Aww
35:19That's why it's quite a lot of bread
35:21It's like George. He's a romantic. He's one of the soldiers in the story and set in a trench. Oh, I love a trench
35:26He's a quiet type very stoic
35:30elegant
35:32Like a gazelle quick on his feet sees me weeping Mickey
35:36It's how the Germans pronounce Mickey's another soldier in the story
35:44Yeah, Mickey is crying because he's coming over the top. There's a surprise
35:50Fun fact, you know trenches were never dug in a straight line. It's like love
35:55Because love is a winding road. He's very good, isn't he? I mean his dad's a bit of a robot, but he's he's
36:02He's got something. Yeah, why don't you show those letters to graham? Get his juices flowing
36:18Hello, hello
36:20All right
36:23Right
36:24Do I uh, not get a greeting?
36:27For god sake, what do you want a curtsy?
36:29No, no, it's it's just you know
36:33Can I not have a minute to meself?
36:35Come in the door and you're already starting
36:37I'm not starting, I'm
36:40What have I done?
36:42I think it's because you never write a love letters
36:44What?
36:45Or cut a toast into hearts
36:47You should do something romantic
36:49Wait, can we, can we not? You know, I've had a bit of a day
36:54I'm only trying to give you an heads up
36:55Mano to mano
36:58What's for tea?
36:59Cheese and salad cream sandwich
37:01Oh, she's too hot
37:03You could make dinner
37:05You gotta keep the fires burning, Dad
37:09We'd both been inspired
37:11Dad had to whip up a feast
37:13I had to whip up a plot
37:15It all made sense to me now
37:18Write what you know
37:20I had to be exited
37:21I'm gonna be Τine
37:22You could make nueva
37:23Doctor
37:25Georges
37:25Marquez
37:25Let's go
37:27Good
37:27Am I
37:28MOVIE
37:28Joel
37:29Wow
37:29God
37:30Can you see what are we doing now?
37:31Let's check that out
37:31When you watch some females
37:32Eat one
37:32So
37:34I'm going to a
37:35Personal
37:37Garnish.
37:54Are you going to get yours then?
37:59No.
38:00I haven't got the energy to make another one.
38:03So, what are you going to buy with your winners?
38:08What?
38:09Oh, I don't know.
38:11I'm not really in it for the Wally's voucher.
38:13The writing is its own reward.
38:15No, it's not.
38:16It's like pulling teeth.
38:18I think I'm going to get a Mr Frosty.
38:21Good morning, Eastern Lovell.
38:24Quiet!
38:26So, Mrs Wilwald?
38:29What?
38:30What?
38:32Well, Wilhall has read all your entries and she said that the standard is incredibly high
38:41and there can only be one winner and this entry was deeply moving with a real relish of language
38:49and a precocious narrative confidence.
38:52So, let's announce the winner.
38:55Could...
38:57Oh.
38:58Alan Carr?
38:59Please come on.
39:00Yes!
39:01That's a bit.
39:02So, this was it.
39:05This was the beginning.
39:07Watch and weep, Eastern Lovell.
39:09Today, a Woolies voucher.
39:10Tomorrow, the Booker.
39:12So, the process was excruciating.
39:14So what?
39:15You had to suffer for your art.
39:17And I, Alan Carr, was an artist!
39:20Shhh!
39:21Well then, Alan.
39:22Now, Miss Gideon will read an extract.
39:24Miss Gideon.
39:25Clever boy.
39:27Open Arms by Alan Graham Carr.
39:31George's long, live neck stuck high above the parapet, a gazelle in the firing line.
39:40His tousled auburn pearls adding an extra inch or two to his height, forming a kind
39:48of halo which seemed to illuminate his face in the brutal dark...
39:52George thrashed into the sea, his muscular arms parting the water like Moses in fatigues,
39:59as Meeky's head slipped below the surface.
40:03That's like you and Jake in the pool.
40:05What?
40:06Now, George lunged through the surf.
40:08Meeky's body bucked.
40:10His nostril not only flared with war, but with chlorine.
40:15Chlorine?
40:16You think don't care?
40:17What happened about that, Jake?
40:19It's fiction.
40:20Reality creeps in.
40:21Nothing creeps in.
40:23As Meeky's lungs, filled with water, George's opal eyes came out.
40:28The opal eyes came into focus beneath the waves.
40:31Eyes.
40:32Blue as the ocean.
40:35The mood ring on his outstretched pinky seemed to be mesmerised.
40:41Right, okay, I think that's enough.
40:43We all need to be getting to class, don't we?
40:49He surrendered his body to George.
40:51Is this the miracle?
40:53Meeky needed a hero.
41:04But it wasn't.
41:06He was dead.
41:08He...
41:09He...
41:10He...
41:11Had...
41:12He died.
41:13Er...
41:14He drowned.
41:15Gosh, so sad.
41:16But poor Meeky.
41:17That's...
41:18That's...
41:19So yes, that's the...
41:20The end.
41:21The end!
41:22She'd stopped the world from knowing I was gay
41:24and took that secret to her grave.
41:26Love you, Jackie.
41:27That's a joke, man.
41:28Mine was way better than that.
41:29Oi!
41:30Zip it!
41:31Well done, Alan.
41:33You surprised us all now.
41:35Off you go, then!
41:38I couldn't see meself slaving over a hot biro,
41:41scraping a living as an author.
41:43I was a talker.
41:44A raconteur.
41:45A chatty man.
41:46But who was gonna pay me to do that job?
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