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00:00Yeah, no problem.
00:01You know, you're the first person we've had returned from season one.
00:03Thanks so much for coming back in.
00:04I didn't come back in.
00:06I haven't left Channel 10 since the last show.
00:09That explains a lot.
00:13Morning, Sam.
00:14Hey, Sam.
00:20Thanks, mate.
00:23You're watching 10 News.
00:25The government has hit back at criticism.
00:27Hey, can you get down quarters?
00:27I'm trying to keep my eight hours.
00:30Fired by James Packer following a controversial interview yesterday.
00:36What's going on here?
00:37Dinner.
00:38Something I threw together.
00:40That's your dinner.
00:41All the five food groups.
00:45Yoink.
00:46Hey.
00:47A low-pressure trough will extend into Victoria tomorrow
00:50and that will cause widespread showers and storms.
00:54Hey, Jay, what's today's top temperature?
00:5617 in showers.
00:57Oh, good.
00:58Yeah.
00:58As we were saying.
01:05Live across Australia, this is Sam Pang Tonight.
01:09And now here's your host, Mr. Sam Pang.
01:16Wow.
01:21Thank you, guys.
01:24Thank you very much.
01:37Wow.
01:39Good evening and firstly, a big welcome back to my special guest announcer,
01:43the one, the only, Tony Martin.
01:45Oh, thanks.
01:46Yes.
01:48I, uh...
01:50Good to see you, Tony.
01:51I never left, Sam.
01:52I've been hanging out in the abandoned offices of 10 Peach for the last six months.
01:58Where this show may end up, the way things are going, by the way, Tony.
02:01It's great to have you here.
02:02Let's get on with it.
02:03We begin this week on the Gold Coast, where tens of thousands of Year 12 students have
02:08descended for schoolies, and authorities say the culture has changed.
02:13I'm not so sure.
02:14The school leavers are actually engaging in a lot more daytime activities that doesn't
02:17include excessive consumption of alcohol.
02:19Have a bit of alcohol.
02:20Have a cheeky thing.
02:21Four shots there.
02:23Six shots over there.
02:24A week of just drinking, I guess.
02:2916 schoolies blacked out during that clip alone.
02:32Any advice for the kids up there, Tony?
02:34Oh, uh, yeah, watch out for toolies, uh, the hoolie-doolies, and inflammation of the
02:40ghoulies.
02:46Well, also, please remember to use sunscreen, too, if you're up there.
02:49You don't want to get sunburn on your herpes.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:52In political news this week, One Nation's Pauline Hanson is attempting to lure Barnaby
03:01Joyce to her party by making him a home-cooked meal.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:05True story.
03:07Why do I have the feeling those two are about to come up with a brand-new slur?
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12Either that or it's an elaborate trap to deport an Uber Eats delivery person.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20One or the other.
03:22In all seriousness, I would love to be a fly on the wall for that dinner.
03:26A fly that would listen for two minutes and then fly directly into the zapper to kill
03:29itself.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:31But really, why is Pauline cooking dinner on a first date?
03:38It's Barnaby Joyce.
03:39Go for drinks, by the way.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:41That man's a senator.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:46Staying with politics, the G20 World Leaders Summit was in South Africa, but President Trump
03:51boycotted the event for an event, sorry, closer to his heart.
03:57That's right, the McDonald's Global Impact Summit, where, in some big news, he revealed his
04:03most controversial policy yet.
04:06Because no matter who you are, everyone loves something at McDonald's.
04:10I like the fish.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13I like it.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:14You could do a little bit more tartar sauce, please.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19The fillet of fish.
04:22The fillet of fish.
04:23It's not my first choice.
04:25And you know what?
04:26I was on board with that guy, but now I'm really starting to question his judgement.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32Moving on in some Neanderthal news and the discovery that kissing actually began more
04:38than 21 million years ago with evidence that Neanderthals and early humans were likely
04:43to have kissed.
04:45Now, if you're curious what humans kissing Neanderthals look like, Love Island Australia
04:50is currently airing on Channel 9.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:52Meanwhile, scientists also say it was around 20 million years ago that Neanderthal aunties
05:00first started kissing nephews on the lips.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04It's true, I remember that.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07Tone, this one's for you.
05:10The Tasmanian gallery Mona has reportedly lost $408 million since it opened in 2011.
05:17Now, here at Channel 10, we call that our business model.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20We'd actually kill for that number.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:25Mona founder and gambling billionaire David Walsh says he doesn't mind losing $408 million.
05:32And for more stories like that, check out this week's edition of Unrelatable magazine.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37In some royal news, Meghan Markle has praised Prince Harry saying,
05:43he loves me boldly.
05:45You can read more about that story in Who Gives a Shit magazine.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49Staying in Hollywood and in a rare interview, Kevin Spacey has revealed that he's homeless.
06:00That's right.
06:01Tony, are you aware of this story?
06:02Yes, I've just read about it on page six of I Don't Give a Shit magazine.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:07Is the name of that magazine again, Tony?
06:15It's Who Gives a Shit magazine.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:18But they do a second edition.
06:21It's a later, a later edition.
06:23Well, it was maybe in that edition that I read the article too.
06:26And Spacey says he's living in hotels and Airbnbs.
06:29So I suppose he's technically homeless, just like he's technically innocent.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:35Sorry, we've got some Kevi Space and fans in here tonight.
06:41To some sporting news, and this is big news,
06:44the tiny Caribbean island of Curacao has qualified for the 2006 FIFA World Cup,
06:49becoming the smallest country ever to do so.
06:51Fantastic.
06:52Well done.
06:53CURACENCIA!
06:54CURACENCIA!
06:55CURACENCIA!
06:57CURACENCIA!
06:57Wow.
06:58CURACENCIA!
06:58CURACENCIA!
06:59CURACENCIA!
06:59CURACENCIA!
07:00CURACENCIA!
07:00CURACENCIA!
07:01All right.
07:01Well, it's like we rehearsed it.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05Great news for Curaçao.
07:08And in some sporting news from the future,
07:10the tiny Caribbean island of Curaçao
07:12has become the smallest country to be eliminated
07:15from the 2026 FIFA World Cup.
07:18Good old Curaçao forever.
07:22They don't know how to play the game.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26They're in the World Cup zone.
07:28Yeah.
07:28So that's good news.
07:29Is that a Curaçao flag?
07:30No idea.
07:30Right here.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32The name of that magazine again, Tony.
07:37They don't give a shit.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:41Now, here's some exciting food news this week.
07:43Over in the US,
07:44Heinz has unveiled their new leftover gravy sauce
07:47for Thanksgiving.
07:48I know, it's a novel concept to get your head around.
07:51The idea that Americans have leftovers.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54And Paul Kelly has already cashed in with his new Christmas single,
07:59How to Make Leftover Gravy.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01Another shameless cash grab from a sad, irrelevant artist
08:07way past his prime.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09And finally, congratulations to Miss Mexico,
08:16who was crowned Miss Universe 2025.
08:19Of course, things took a turn when Miss Jamaica hit the stage.
08:22Now, the competition has been plagued by scandals
08:25and a few mishaps, including this incident
08:28where Miss Jamaica lost her footing and took a tumble.
08:30She is fine.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:32She's fine.
08:35Nothing says fine like being wheeled off in a gurney.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39But don't worry, in some good news,
08:42she went on to win the Miss ICU competition,
08:44so well done, Miss Jamaica.
08:46My favourite part of the night, though,
08:48was when contestants showcased their national costumes
08:50and it was quite the spectacle.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Sri Lanka, Tanzania, Bahamas, Australia.
09:01This gown is a wearable landscape inspired by Uluru.
09:06LAUGHTER
09:06Pauline Hanson tried to climb that later on.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:12Not a very nice moment.
09:14Norway's costume, though, was the stand-up.
09:17Norway!
09:17LAUGHTER
09:18This salmon-inspired gown mirrors both the delegates' movements
09:24as a baton twirler
09:26and the essence of Norway's leading exporter.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31She was fine as well, by the way,
09:34until Miss Japan turned her into sashimi.
09:37LAUGHTER
09:38She was attacked by 200 cats shortly after that footage.
09:42Right, so 200 tones.
09:44200.
09:44Amazing.
09:45You know who else liked Miss Norway?
09:46I like the fish.
09:49LAUGHTER
09:50OK, we've got a great show coming up.
09:51Tony Martin sticking around.
09:53I'll chat with Priscilla Presley.
09:54And UK comedian Alan Davis is up next.
09:57APPLAUSE
09:58You're watching Sam Pan Tonight.
10:08Tonight!
10:08APPLAUSE
10:09Welcome back.
10:13Thank you, Tony.
10:14Tony, it's great to have you here.
10:16Thanks, Sam.
10:17And I like that you're airing grievances during the break,
10:19but you were saying to me that you thought I missed something
10:22in the opening monologue.
10:23Yeah, I saw this.
10:24I was watching Sunrise, as I always do,
10:26and the weatherman Sam Mack was in South Africa.
10:31You knew who I was before I even got here.
10:33Yes, I did.
10:34What did you say when I first came over to you?
10:37I said you're Sam Pan, the Australian comedian.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:41What do you make of that?
10:50I suppose all Australians look the same to them over there, aren't they?
10:52LAUGHTER
10:52No, it's nice.
10:54You can always rely on sunrise if you want the weather in Johannesburg.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:57So that's why I wake up with today.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:00Hey, just some housekeeping, by the way.
11:03So a lot of people might not know this,
11:05but you're in an electronic dance group called Arseless Chaps.
11:08Yes.
11:09Tell everyone about Arseless Chaps.
11:11It's two older men playing very loud electronic dance music
11:15with very silly lyrics about serious topics
11:18and very serious lyrics about silly topics.
11:21That's basically the gist of it.
11:24Yeah.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:26Have we lost everyone?
11:27LAUGHTER
11:28Why would I?
11:31Well, actually, I've seen it.
11:33It's a great show.
11:33But you've been on tour, and I found this clip to show everyone.
11:37Oh.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40Yeah.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:45That is a man who's had too many coffees.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:52You're already in all-white outfits.
11:55Somehow you made that even whiter with the dancing, by the way.
11:59I wanted to...
12:01The other thing is, too, I believe you really are.
12:03You're getting some things off your chest.
12:05I believe you have a bone to pick with me
12:07about something that happened on last week's show.
12:08Well, last week, if people didn't see it,
12:11you had a reunion of the cast of 80 BC,
12:14and that was your very first show 16 years ago.
12:17When was it on?
12:17What was the time slot?
12:19Where it started or where it finished?
12:21Where did it finish?
12:22Where...
12:22What was the final...
12:23It started at 8.30 on a Thursday
12:25and finished at 3.55 on a Monday.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:29Yeah.
12:30To be fair, I think the 350 lead-in was a bit weak.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:33I think it was just a photo of Les Murray.
12:38That was all it was.
12:39Well, it was good to have a...
12:40Last week was interesting because it was like...
12:42It was like the show no-one watched the first time was back.
12:45Yeah.
12:45And, uh...
12:46But, hey, I was on that...
12:47It was electric.
12:48You know, I was a big part of that show.
12:49Yeah, you did a lot of eps.
12:50Yeah, I think we've got a clip here of me.
12:53This is where Mussolini was hung
12:55and they buried him in an unmarked grave.
12:58Problem was that a year later,
13:00some of his supporters found him, dug him up,
13:03held onto him for a couple of months.
13:04Oh, feral!
13:05Weekend at Benito's, it was called.
13:07I saw that.
13:10Topical.
13:15So, who would have thought the dead bodies
13:17hanging in the square would fail to work
13:18as light entertainment?
13:19That was a funner show than people remember.
13:23Yeah, sure.
13:27Let's move on.
13:28We've done enough damage.
13:29My first guest tonight is a UK comedy legend
13:32who's written books
13:33and is currently touring Australia
13:34with his new stand-up show.
13:36Here's some of his work.
13:38Your time starts now.
13:40It's Alan Davis!
13:41Wow!
13:42Wow!
13:42Alan!
13:43Alan!
13:43So, in a way, it's the best bit.
13:45Oh, no, he's going to blow leaves.
13:46What the hell happened?
13:47That's my favourite joke.
13:48Beep, beep, beep, beep.
13:49Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
13:50Quite a floppy surprise.
13:52It's a corker.
13:54Please welcome the great Alan Davis.
14:02Thank you, sir.
14:08Happy to have you on.
14:09Happy to have you on.
14:09Have a seat.
14:09Hi, everyone.
14:10Hi, everyone.
14:12Are you comfy?
14:18Yeah, I've got quite a low seat.
14:20Oh, my God.
14:21Don't stop.
14:21Has that been mentioned before?
14:23Russell Crowe mentioned it.
14:24Did it?
14:25And basically insisted on swapping chairs for the radio.
14:30Yeah.
14:31While we talked about the movie Nuremberg.
14:32So, that was fun.
14:35This is a big thrill for me because we've never actually met until now.
14:40And even though the closest we've come is when you're on having been paying attention.
14:44Yes.
14:45But I wasn't there.
14:46Yes.
14:47Well, I did insist on that.
14:48Yeah.
14:51Well, you sat in my chair.
14:53How did you find that experience?
14:54How did it compare to QI?
14:54I enjoyed it very much.
14:55Really?
14:56Yeah.
14:56Although, it's pretty quick.
14:58Yeah.
14:58I think there's about 960 questions in the episode.
15:02Yes.
15:02So, someone thought of something funny for everyone.
15:06It's usually Ed, I think it was.
15:08How did you enjoy working with Tom Gleisner?
15:11Or as I call him, the talking cadaver.
15:15He's an outstanding showbiz legend.
15:17It was great to meet him.
15:18Yeah.
15:19Great guy.
15:19First time you met him?
15:20Yeah.
15:20Tony, you've been on that show.
15:27Yeah, it's a quiz.
15:28You're on that show way more than you deserve to be, by the way.
15:31Well, as I understand it, it's a quiz show where the idea is to get as few answers correct
15:36as possible.
15:37That's how I play it anyway.
15:40That's why you're not coming back next year.
15:43I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, Alan, because, fair to say, you were hilarious, but you did
15:48struggle with the basics.
15:49The Prime Minister and his wife, Sophie Gregoire Trudeau, have released a statement announcing...
15:55Announcing what?
15:56That he...
15:57Alan, we need to pass.
15:58No, no.
16:01There's one...
16:02There's one thing.
16:11It's the one thing to remember.
16:13Yeah, but what a reflex.
16:16I asked...
16:17I can hardly believe how quick I was.
16:19I asked about Tom.
16:20What about Ed Cavill, who's on the show, you know, a lot?
16:23He got to do two episodes with you.
16:25Do you remember your time with Ed?
16:26Well, there's just a voice behind you.
16:28Yes.
16:28So every time you speak, he's behind you saying, there he is, there he is.
16:32Yeah.
16:34Well, he had a great time, and you'd be happy to know he sent you a message.
16:38Oh.
16:38Hi, Alan.
16:40Ed Cavill here.
16:41We met when you were filling in for Sam on having and paying attention, and just want
16:45to say thank you so much.
16:47I mean, the shows felt professional.
16:49They were on time.
16:51There was enough alcohol for everyone.
16:52Just the feeling of having a professional in that seat was incredible.
16:56So thank you again.
16:57Hope the tour goes great.
16:58And remember, most importantly, you haven't shopped around until you've tried Yui.
17:02Oh.
17:04Wow.
17:06Wow.
17:09Just to explain, Ed does advertisements for Yui.
17:14Is he homeless?
17:17He is homeless, by the way.
17:18He's homeless, by the way.
17:18I'm homeless, Ed.
17:19He is homeless.
17:19Alan, there's so much more to cover with you, including your new book and your stand-up
17:23tour.
17:23More Alan Davis after this.
17:38Welcome back.
17:39I'm here with you meeting Alan Davis, the star of the long-running quiz show QI, where correct
17:44answers are not necessarily the goal.
17:46Tony, you'd be perfect on that show, by the way.
17:48Alan, you wanted to describe yourself as the class dunce on QI.
17:53So you've done that show for a long time.
17:54How long did it take before you realised that you were the dunce?
17:57It took me about four years to realise that I was the class dunce.
18:00Four years?
18:00Yeah.
18:00It was a real case of if you don't know who the patsy is in the room.
18:06It's you.
18:07Because normally there's two captains in all those kind of shows.
18:10Yes.
18:10And then right from the off, I thought, I'm the only regular.
18:12Why am I the only regular?
18:14Why does this thing keep going off?
18:16What's happening?
18:16Yeah, I thought I was great.
18:21I think the same thing on Have You Been Paying Attention, by the way.
18:24Do you, so, how long have you been doing that show?
18:2623 years.
18:28All right.
18:28So, yes, you know.
18:2923 years.
18:32I love that.
18:33Applause for longevity.
18:34He's alive!
18:35Do you remember, what's, what's like the one thing you remember from the show?
18:41I don't remember any of it.
18:42Any of it?
18:43Because you're in one ear and out the other.
18:44Oh, wow.
18:45Yeah, really.
18:45The only thing I remember is when the Vikings went on looking for land, they would take a
18:51raven, and then it would, they'd let it go, and then if it saw land, it would go to it,
18:57and they'd follow it, and if it didn't, it would come back to the boat, and they had
19:01to take a lot of ravens.
19:06Because guess what?
19:07They'd fly off.
19:12That's literally the only fact I remember.
19:15That's a good one.
19:17Yeah.
19:17Ravens, that's stealing from your act, Tony, by the way.
19:20Well, I don't have a mobile phone, so I take ravens every year.
19:25Last question of QI, though, because you've been on every single episode except one.
19:30Oh, yeah.
19:30Why'd you miss that?
19:32I went to the Champions League final.
19:35I did warn them around about the quarterfinal.
19:38Arsenal might get through this year.
19:40Yeah.
19:40I'll do any other day in May, any day in June, just not May the 17th, anyway.
19:46Is he a big Arsenal fan?
19:47Big Arsenal fan.
19:48So they, how'd you, what was the result?
19:49Yeah, they lost, they lost.
19:55Could have stayed at home and got paid.
19:57Well, it's good that you're not letting your love of Arsenal get in the way of your professionalism,
20:03as seen here in this behind-the-scenes clip of QI.
20:06Anyone know the score?
20:08Is there a football on?
20:09Yeah, Arsenal are playing at home.
20:10It's a very inconsiderate scheduling, in my view.
20:13Yep.
20:145-1.
20:155-1, and I'm f***ing sitting here.
20:17I'll defend you, Alan.
20:28I once missed an episode of having been paying attention because of a cockfight in Bali.
20:36Let's go back, though, to 1994, and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
20:42Yes.
20:42You were favourite to take home the trophy.
20:44Yeah.
20:45Odds on favourite.
20:46Odds on.
20:46Absolutely nailed on certainty.
20:49And what happened?
20:50Lenor and Woodley won.
20:56What was it?
20:57I don't know what happened there.
20:58How did you, why were you even aware that you were, like, odds on?
21:01There wasn't a...
21:02People kept telling me.
21:02It was me or Harry Hill.
21:05It's going to be you or Harry.
21:06It's going to be you or Harry.
21:07And then, I don't know what happened.
21:09The Aussies came through.
21:10Did you...
21:11On the rail.
21:13Artists see other shows.
21:14Did you see the Lenor and Woodley show?
21:15Yeah, it was brilliant.
21:16Was it?
21:16It was brilliant, yeah.
21:17Well, you seem to have got over it.
21:18I'm over it.
21:21You seem to remember all the details, though.
21:23By the way, I'm glad you're over it because here's a heartwarming message from one half
21:27of Lenor and Woodley, Colin Lane.
21:29Alan Davis.
21:30Alan Davis.
21:35Alan Davis.
21:36Why does your name keep on popping into my head?
21:40Alan Davis.
21:41Not so much a message, just a childish taunt, really.
21:53Yeah.
21:53Yeah.
21:54Yeah.
21:54Wendy, are you still mates with Lenor and Woodley?
21:57Well, until tonight.
21:58All right, I've been reading a new book.
22:02Well, here it is here.
22:03I've got to hold it up to one of them.
22:05Yeah, there it is.
22:06White male stand-up.
22:07That's me.
22:08It's a recent photo on the cover.
22:09And I genuinely have read this book, and I love your honesty about a show that you were
22:17in called A Many Splintered Thing, where it was the greatest description ever, and I
22:21quote, I was not funny at any point in any episode.
22:27Alan, how...
22:28It's so true.
22:32But you were a funny man.
22:33How is that possible?
22:34I don't know how they did it.
22:35They applied some sort of anti-comedy to the scripts, and turned everything round,
22:42faced the other way, and became terribly sad.
22:46Was it supposed to be a comedy?
22:48It was a comedy, but basically the comedy was about a man who'd left his wife for a younger
22:53woman who he liked, which is exactly, I think, what the writer had done, and then he tried
22:57to just make it sound like the hero of that story is the man who's left his wife.
23:03But every time you saw him, he just saw...
23:07Oh, there he is again.
23:10How many eps?
23:11Too many.
23:12Far too many.
23:13I can't remember.
23:14About seven.
23:16Oh.
23:18It's all right.
23:19It's all right.
23:20I want to ask you two about, like, you're known for your flowing locks.
23:26Yeah, those days were good.
23:27Yeah.
23:28Well, they're still there, but I just want to point out that it hasn't...
23:30It wasn't always like this.
23:31Here you are in 1991 on the Jonathan Ross show.
23:34So, to give us some male perspective on Cosmo life and the whole damn thing is the stand-up
23:37act that is Mr. Alan Davis.
23:39So, how long were you in the army for?
23:49That's a tight...
23:50That's a tight number, isn't it?
23:52Yeah.
23:53That's 92, I think.
23:54When did you start growing it out?
23:55The following year, I met a girl who I was really keen on, and she said, I think you'd
24:01look better if you grew your hair out.
24:03And so I didn't cut it for a year.
24:05And then one day, I mean, she was having a shower or something, and I saw a photo in
24:08there, and it was her ex-boyfriend, and he had loads of...
24:12Hang on a minute, this is...
24:16That's what this has all been about?
24:19This guy?
24:23And then I had a cover, and I had to quickly put it away.
24:29Speaking...
24:30By the way, speaking of, you know, romance, there is a story.
24:35In the book about the subtle art of seduction involving you and some famous A-listers,
24:42including one, the star of Friends, Jennifer Aniston.
24:47Jennifer Aniston, yeah.
24:49Yeah.
24:51Yeah, I know.
24:52Now you're back.
24:52That's good.
24:54Back in the room.
24:55I did a spot on the Prince's Trust, which is a big charity gala, all kinds of stars come
25:02on.
25:03I followed Phil Collins, I think.
25:05I remember following him, and he was singing a song called Where's My Hat, and he had his
25:09hat on his head.
25:10I remember that, Tony, and I did it.
25:13I talked about it on your radio show, and you made it into a jingle for ages.
25:18Where's my hat song?
25:19He's wearing his hat, and then...
25:21And then Jennifer Aniston came on, and I saw her in the party afterwards, and I'd just
25:26done some stand-up about dogs, and she'd come over and she said, I like dogs.
25:30I mean, that's someone just opening the door, isn't it?
25:37And I just went...
25:38And then she was gone.
25:46Well, then the following year, she married Brad Pitt, so that really was a very short window.
25:53Then the door was just shut again.
25:57God.
25:58Yeah, she was very...
25:59God, she was gorgeous.
26:02I'm sure she still has regrets, you know what I mean?
26:05Time will tell.
26:06Yeah, I think Brad Pitt's her main regret.
26:07Well, I had a similar experience at the Logies this year
26:12with Kerri-Ann Kennelly.
26:13Hey, um...
26:13Now, Alan, this is great because you two know each other
26:18and I can't do this show alone.
26:20So it's time now for the...
26:24That's right.
26:25Over to you, Tony.
26:26Well, Alan, I'm a big fan of a show you did called Whites.
26:29Oh, yeah.
26:30Which was a sitcom, shown here on the ABC.
26:32Yeah, yeah.
26:33And in one episode, you had an Australian in it called Mark Little.
26:37Do we know Mark Little?
26:38He was Joe Mangle on Neighbours for years.
26:40Neighbours, right.
26:41And in this episode, he played a dodgy Australian businessman.
26:45And I'm always wondering...
26:47My question is, did you let him name his own character?
26:52Because I'm not sure that people in England would know
26:54what he was talking about when he announced himself.
26:56Can we show a clip of him saying who he is?
27:00Bibb.
27:00Bibb Spears.
27:01Daryl Summers.
27:02How you going?
27:08That was...
27:08That was big laughs.
27:10All through the episode, people are going,
27:12what's Daryl Summers doing?
27:13I'm assuming it was mystifying in England.
27:17No idea.
27:18Right.
27:18No idea.
27:19Great.
27:19It's not really a question.
27:21It's just showing a clip.
27:22But anyway.
27:24I've got one last thing to...
27:26I don't know how that got here.
27:27Sorry about that.
27:28I wanted to ask you one thing.
27:30I'm about to go into...
27:31I'm about to do some acting.
27:35Have you got any tips?
27:36Well, I always say, if in doubt, do nothing.
27:40Just...
27:41I can...
27:41Stay completely still.
27:45And then they'll just cut around you.
27:47LAUGHTER
27:47As soon as you start doing things, it goes really wrong.
27:53It's a bit like being a...
27:54How's this?
27:54Yeah, yeah.
27:57So just do nothing.
27:57If they can cut to that, you see what you did there?
27:59They could just keep going back to that.
28:02I'm feeling good.
28:03I'm playing a character called Daryl Summers, Tony.
28:05You'll be right.
28:06Alan Davis is touring Australia right now with his stand-up show,
28:10Think Ahead.
28:11Yeah.
28:11And...
28:12Got to think ahead.
28:13What can we expect?
28:15Any...
28:15A lot of props?
28:16A couple of songs?
28:16No.
28:18No props, no songs.
28:19No.
28:20The byline for the show is I spend more time in the pharmacy
28:23than the gym.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:25So...
28:28Yeah, it covers all topics that are relevant to our age.
28:32All right.
28:33I've got to finish.
28:34Dates all around Australia.
28:35Look out for Alan when he's in your town.
28:37I want to say one question.
28:39Is it true that you love sun-dried tomatoes?
28:42I really love them, but I think of them as a delicacy.
28:46As in, do you eat them every day?
28:48I'll open a jar and I'll have one or two.
28:51I was on a podcast with Catherine Ryan,
28:53a very funny Canadian comedian, and she said to me,
28:55You know, Alan, they're your tomatoes.
28:57You can have the whole jar.
29:00So it was a real revelation to me.
29:02Well, I want you to remember Catherine Ryan's words
29:06as I give you this.
29:07No-one leaves empty-handed, Alan.
29:09These are some Sampang Tonight sun-dried tomatoes.
29:12Where are you going over here?
29:14These are for you to do whatever you please.
29:18Oh, they do look good.
29:21They do look good?
29:21They look really good.
29:22There you go.
29:26All right, I want to sincerely say this.
29:28It's been an honour to finally meet you, Alan.
29:30I really appreciate it.
29:31Please thank Alan Davis.
29:34I kept Lucilla Presley up next.
29:35Welcome back.
29:51Now, here's something I still can't get used to.
29:54Having my own show means that sometimes I get to speak to living legends like this.
29:58Priscilla Presley.
30:00What do we have here?
30:01I'm packing JR.
30:02What's a nice girl like me doing waiting on tables?
30:04I have a lot to say.
30:06Being married to Elvis Presley.
30:07I love him to this day.
30:08I have a lot of memories.
30:10How hot?
30:10Wet.
30:11Do you like it?
30:13Now, I caught up with Priscilla Presley during the week, who has a new book out called Softly
30:18As I Leave You.
30:19I actually didn't get sent the book, but very, very exciting.
30:24I did receive a PDF of the book.
30:28Hey, Sam.
30:29Yes, Sam?
30:30All of my books are out on PDF.
30:35I think that makes them easier to pulp, then.
30:39But I did get the PDF and I read it cover to cover.
30:42Now, this PDF does get a mention in my chat.
30:45Enjoy.
30:47Priscilla Presley.
30:48It's an absolute honor.
30:50I loved the book.
30:51I read it.
30:52Actually, not the book, the PDF that you had to publish.
30:55So that was magnificent.
30:58Did you hand write or did you type?
31:00I wrote.
31:01You wrote?
31:01Yes.
31:02Handwritten?
31:02Yes.
31:03Fountain pen?
31:04No.
31:04Your special pen?
31:04No, because I need to erase some things, you know.
31:07I can't do that with a phone.
31:08That's true.
31:09That's true.
31:09That's a good point.
31:10The book obviously covers your time with Elvis.
31:13He read philosophy to you at 3 a.m. in the morning and also carried a loaded gun.
31:18Yes.
31:18He sounds like an exciting...
31:20Diverse, isn't he?
31:20Yes.
31:21Sounds like there's a lot to unpack there.
31:23Yeah.
31:23Which one did you prefer?
31:25Both.
31:28He would read.
31:29He was a reader.
31:30Yeah.
31:30And he would read sometimes until 3 in the morning.
31:32And he expected me to be there awake too, because he could read to me.
31:36What did you do when you started to get tired?
31:38I started yawning.
31:40Of course.
31:40That's what happened.
31:41You know, we would talk and watch TV.
31:43There were some shows there that we would watch continuously.
31:46Same thing with movies.
31:47If he liked a movie, we didn't see it once.
31:50We didn't see it twice.
31:51We didn't see it three times.
31:53We saw it at least 12 times.
31:55Did you ever watch his movies together?
31:58No.
31:58He didn't want to see it.
31:59He didn't want to see himself.
32:00Do you think he would have liked The Naked Gun?
32:02I do.
32:03I do think he would.
32:05Yes.
32:05Because he loved comedy.
32:06Yeah.
32:07And I think he would really like it.
32:09I've seen it about 12 times too.
32:12It just stands up.
32:13It's so funny still.
32:14Yeah, it is.
32:14Yeah.
32:14And he was fun to work with.
32:15Leslie was great.
32:17I miss him very, very much.
32:19I felt he...
32:20We lost him way too soon.
32:21I never met him, but I miss him too.
32:23Also, is it true that when you auditioned or first met him that he sat on a whoopee cushion?
32:30Yes.
32:31Did you know?
32:32So he sat on...
32:32I never even heard of a whoopee cushion.
32:34Well, that's one of them there.
32:36Do you remember that?
32:36Don't worry.
32:37I'm not going to...
32:37I carry one just in case.
32:39You know, I just break the ice.
32:40But he sat on that and...
32:42Oh, no.
32:42I sat on it.
32:43Not him.
32:44Right.
32:44Sorry.
32:45He told me to sit in the chair and I sat down.
32:48The darn thing went off and I'm like...
32:50I'm like appalled.
32:52But everybody else was laughing, knowing this is what he did.
32:56Yeah.
32:56And I just...
32:57You know what I did?
32:58It broke the ice.
32:59Yes.
32:59It broke the ice.
33:01And we became really good friends after that.
33:04The condom thing.
33:05Uh-huh.
33:06You have fun memories of that?
33:08I do very much.
33:09Yeah.
33:10We couldn't stop laughing.
33:12It was really...
33:13I think he did ten times.
33:16And the director's going, this is it.
33:18And I kept saying that the whole time anyway.
33:21But Leslie, I had no idea that he was funny because he played serious parts.
33:25Yeah.
33:26But he was so much fun and we had so much laughter that it wasn't even work.
33:31Did you see Baz Luhrmann's movie about Elvis?
33:34Yes, I did see it.
33:35I liked it a lot.
33:36Lisa and I went together.
33:38And, you know, we were, you know, very intense.
33:40We didn't, you know, where he was going with the movie.
33:42Yeah.
33:43But she liked it very much.
33:45Were you happy with the characters who played you and Lisa, where you each of it happened?
33:48Yeah, I thought they did a good job.
33:50I mean, they were very nervous, obviously.
33:52We're watching it.
33:53We're going to...
33:54They know we're going to watch the movie.
33:55Yeah.
33:56But they did a great job.
33:58They really did.
33:58They did their homework.
33:59They practiced every day.
34:01You know, they were quite nervous.
34:03I mean, when you're doing a film on someone and they're there who you're doing it about watching.
34:08Yeah.
34:08You know, it's nerve-wracking.
34:09And Austin Butler, an Australian, played Elvis.
34:12He was great.
34:13He was great.
34:13Austin was great.
34:14I auditioned for that role.
34:16You did?
34:17Yeah.
34:17Oh, God, I would have thought you did it.
34:18Didn't get a call back.
34:19Oh, dear.
34:19I wonder why.
34:20I've got a good visual.
34:23I didn't know you were a comedian, by the way.
34:25Was that you didn't?
34:26I didn't know you were a comedian.
34:27A lot of people, after speaking with me for a little while, don't know either.
34:31They don't.
34:32They walk away before you can see it.
34:38Yes.
34:38All right, this is a big one.
34:40This is in the book.
34:41You said that you wrote that Elvis had a drug-addicted chimpanzee named Scatter.
34:46This is one thing I was interested in, so I did a bit more research.
34:49He loved whiskey and upskirting.
34:51It was a different time back then.
34:53Uh-huh.
34:53From monkeys.
34:54Yeah.
34:55What was he like?
34:56Scatter.
34:57Scatter was great, but he was so mischievous.
34:59Yeah.
34:59And Elvis loved when he was mischievous.
35:01I love it.
35:02I mean, literally, the cooks would, at that time, the maids wore dresses, and Scatter would
35:07come in, and while they're cooking, he picks up the dresses.
35:11And they didn't know what to do.
35:13They'd go, Scatter, get away from here.
35:14Get away from here, Scatter.
35:15And he'd go, and he'd start.
35:17He loved it.
35:18So it was almost like he knew he was being funny.
35:22Yeah.
35:22He was a trip.
35:23He really was.
35:24Scatter sounds very similar to, so Sand Bang Tonight, my show, has a mascot.
35:29Uh-huh.
35:29And it's called Contagious George.
35:31Oh.
35:32And he is a COVID and...
35:34This is for real?
35:34Yeah, this is the...
35:35Is that a monkey?
35:36Yeah, it's a COVID and STD riddled monkey.
35:39I love you.
35:40Yeah.
35:40And I just...
35:41Can I just see it?
35:42Yeah, absolutely.
35:43That's Contagious George.
35:44Okay.
35:45He's a big hit on the show.
35:47I just want to show everybody this.
35:52This is what you hang out with.
35:54Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
35:55I reckon him and...
35:56Do you think him and Scatter would have gone along well?
35:57No, I think Scatter.
35:59Would run.
36:01Which I'm going to do now.
36:02But before I go, I was just wondering, do you mind signing my PDF?
36:05Yes, I do.
36:06Thank you very much.
36:07I really appreciate it.
36:08I'll get the book during the week.
36:10Thank you so much.
36:11I really appreciate it.
36:12And thank you so much.
36:13My buddy's been a lot of fun.
36:16That's right.
36:21Priscilla Presley, I'm glad you all enjoyed the subtle way I snuck in a Naked Gun reference.
36:26I really appreciate that.
36:27I didn't get the book during the week, but I will treasure this signed PDF from Priscilla
36:31Presley forever.
36:32Check out her tour.
36:34An audience with the Priscilla Presley life after Elvis.
36:37More Sam Pang tonight in a moment.
36:38Welcome back.
36:54Sam Pang tonight.
36:56We've had Alan Davis.
36:57We've had Priscilla Presley.
36:59Tony Martin, you're still here?
37:00Yes.
37:01No, it's so wonderful to hear.
37:04Now, listen, we talked about Arseless Chaps earlier on, but anything else to promote?
37:09My podcast, Sizzletown, the 100th episode comes out next week.
37:14Yeah, well done.
37:16It's so...
37:16Just for those who haven't listened to it, because it's a very, very popular podcast,
37:23but those who haven't heard it, how would you describe it?
37:25It's a fake talkback show where I play the host and all of the callers.
37:30So for eight years, I've been sitting in a wardrobe in my house talking to myself.
37:37And for most of that time, a child who lives in the house next door to me has been learning
37:43to play the tuba.
37:45So I'll literally be 20 seconds into a bit and it'll just be...
37:49It sounds like a cartoon drunk is walking up the street.
37:55When will he learn?
37:58Yeah.
37:58It's great to have you on the show.
38:00Usually in this segment, we have the great Oliver Clark at the News Lounge.
38:04I love Oliver Clark's News Lounge and I have to say, a thing he did on his first appearance,
38:10I cannot...
38:11In our house, if Erin Patterson comes on TV, we just automatically start singing
38:17Mushroom Lady, talking about Mushroom Lady.
38:23And I think she's having like a retrial next year and if Oliver isn't there singing that
38:28song as she walks into the courtroom, there is something seriously wrong with justice in
38:33this country.
38:35Well said, Tony.
38:36Hey, you often describe yourself as a comedy icon.
38:39And speaking of comedy icons, Aunty Donna have been making hilarious sketch comedy for
38:45over a decade.
38:46There they are, the boys, Mark, Broden and Zach.
38:49Now, they're about to head out on tour.
38:51One problem, Zach is nowhere to be found.
38:54So this week, Mark and Broden held auditions to replace him.
38:58Here's how they went.
38:58How'd you go?
39:07Tough room.
39:09Good luck.
39:15Who's next?
39:16So I think Shannon Knoll.
39:18Yeah.
39:18Oh, who is?
39:19Oh, I'm ready.
39:21Okay.
39:22Is there a desk?
39:22No, I don't think so.
39:24Well, anyway, I'm up for anything.
39:26What do you want?
39:26How much work have you done with pool noodles?
39:29I'm ready.
39:31Okay.
39:32Now we're cooking.
39:34This I like.
39:36That's awesome.
39:37Damn it.
39:40That was really good.
39:41Really good.
39:42I loved it.
39:43Alright, I'm starting to flounder.
39:44I've got one more.
39:45Stay there.
39:46Yeah.
39:46So we said he's starting to flounder.
39:48So maybe when he comes back in, I'll be Sebastian and you'll be King Tine.
39:51No, no, no.
39:52What do you reckon?
39:53Oh, yeah.
39:57That's just awful.
39:58Well, thanks, Sam.
39:59We'll let you know.
39:59We'll be in contact.
40:02Have a business.
40:06Has someone done the banana?
40:08Yes, but not this well.
40:10I can get on board with this.
40:11Sir, I've never been horny.
40:13I want to peel you up and eat you right now.
40:15Let's do it.
40:16I want to see your skin.
40:17I can do brown as well.
40:18No, no, no.
40:19Not necessarily.
40:20I wouldn't think so.
40:21Let's not go brown.
40:23OK.
40:23I don't mind this banana.
40:24You've got the geek.
40:26This is fantastic.
40:27That's great.
40:27Thanks, Andrew.
40:28We'll be in touch, Andrew Denton.
40:30That's great.
40:32Wow.
40:33So I thought it was yours.
40:37You've got the betrayal from you there, Tine.
40:38I thought you were happy on this show.
40:40Aunty Donna are touring this December.
40:42Check them out.
40:43It's an amazing show, so don't miss it.
40:45Now, moving on, we've been flooded with questions about our mascot, Contagious George.
40:50Has he got a podcast?
40:53Is he going to schoolies?
40:54Is he dating Priscilla Presley?
40:57Yes to all of the above, by the way.
40:59This week, though, we've got huge news, Tone.
41:01Contagious George is branching out and he's released a new fragrance.
41:05No.
41:06That's right.
41:07Now, of course, we're all familiar with the fragrance ads such as this.
41:10Sauvage Lixier.
41:21Johnny Depp there, Tone.
41:22Yeah.
41:22You know who loves that fragrance?
41:24Who?
41:24Amber Heard.
41:26Just tipping it down the sink.
41:30Well, based on that, by the way, it's time now for the world premiere of Contagious George's
41:35new fragrance.
41:36Yes.
41:36Oh, my God.
42:06Contagion by George.
42:16Imagine you can catch anything.
42:23Here it is.
42:25Look at that.
42:28By the way, here we go, just for someone in the crowd there.
42:32Look at that.
42:33STDs for all of you now.
42:34That's great.
42:34By the way, Contagion by George is available at Chemist Warehouse.
42:38You'll find it next to the chlamydia antibiotics.
42:41Back in a moment with the Wheel of Segments.
42:44Welcome back.
42:57But just before we finish, it's time for the...
43:00Wheel of Segments.
43:04Let's do that again.
43:05It's time for the...
43:06Wheel of Segments.
43:08All righty.
43:10Here we go.
43:11Let's see what we've got.
43:12We all know how it works, don't we?
43:14Wheel of Segments, of course, brought to you this week by Contagion by George.
43:18And who gives a shit magazine?
43:21All right.
43:21We know how it works, Tone.
43:22I'm going to give it a spin wherever it lands.
43:25That's where we go, okay?
43:26What have we got on there?
43:27So many to choose from, Tone.
43:29I think there's one about me, is there, there?
43:31Which one is there?
43:32Tony Martin debates a toddler.
43:34Oh.
43:36And it's going to be immigration, so it's going to be an excellent one.
43:42Ozempic or heroin?
43:43Oh, wow.
43:44Audience cage fight?
43:45Name that disorder?
43:46There's lots going on here.
43:48There's so many we don't want it to stop on.
43:50Rickshaw karaoke has landed on my map before.
43:52And Tim Rogers and I.
43:53That was fantastic.
43:54And where are we up to?
43:55Oh, Tone, you're in chance.
43:56Hang on.
43:57What's this going on?
43:57WWF.
43:58I don't even know what that is.
43:59Audience cage fight.
44:00Real Housewives of Pitcairn Island.
44:02Okay.
44:03Let's just hope it lands shortly because we're running out of time.
44:07Is that landed?
44:09WWF?
44:10WWF it's landed on.
44:11What?
44:12What's WWF?
44:14Let's find out what that is.
44:20The Wrestling Weather Federation.
44:23Wow.
44:24Come with me.
44:26There's a current trend of wrestlers pivoting to acting and broadcasting.
44:30So here to present the forecast from the Wrestling Weather Federation, we have the Weatherman.
44:43Thank you for being here, Weatherman.
44:45I'm loving your energy.
44:46Tell me what's happening around the country.
44:47It's Mr Weatherman to you, pencil neck.
44:50It's Sydney.
44:53Expect cloudy skies and temperatures will warm into the low to mid-twenties with a gentle
44:59breeze coming through the south-west in the afternoon.
45:04Gentle breeze.
45:05Gentle breeze.
45:05Gentle breeze in Brisbane.
45:07Amazing.
45:07What about, uh, that wasn't in Brisbane.
45:10That was in, um...
45:11That was Sydney.
45:13Sydney.
45:13Sorry, Wendell.
45:14I'm so sorry.
45:14You boy, Dexter.
45:15Sorry.
45:16Sorry.
45:16I'm really into this.
45:17All right.
45:17Mr Weatherman, what about Brisbane?
45:19It's gonna rain!
45:21Well, listen to you, you little twerp.
45:25All right.
45:25There's a storm coming, brother.
45:27Heavy, gusty winds and downpours all night long.
45:31So get an umbrella unless you wanna get wet!
45:37Mr Weatherman.
45:38Oh, you're gonna get soaked.
45:40Oh, you're gonna get wet.
45:41All right.
45:42All right.
45:42It's just, it's just...
45:45All right.
45:45All right.
45:46Mr Weatherman, I'm loving your energy.
45:48This is high up to me, but just, uh, just before we get to Perth,
45:51can you just do a straight one for the people in Perth?
45:54Tomorrow looks picture perfect.
45:5626 degrees and plenty of bright, uninterrupted sunshine
45:59from morning through late afternoon.
46:01Wow.
46:01I love that.
46:02That's great.
46:03But on the weekend, 20% chance of rain
46:06and 100% chance of pain!
46:11Whoa!
46:12Pain!
46:12What the hell's going on?
46:14Pain!
46:15All right.
46:16Sorry, Mr Weatherman.
46:17We're just having a...
46:18We need to IT...
46:19Whoa!
46:20Oh, my God!
46:25Turn!
46:26Yes!
46:27One, two, three!
46:30Yes!
46:32Same thing to the left!
46:33Yes!
46:34Woo-hoo!
46:36Boom!
46:37Whoa!
46:38All right.
46:39That's our show.
46:41Big thanks to our amazing guests,
46:43Alan Davies, Priscilla Presley,
46:45Aunty Donna,
46:45my special guest announcer Tony Martin,
46:47the weatherman,
46:49the IT guy,
46:50rest in peace.
46:51Next week,
46:52Colin Hay,
46:53Tom Cashman,
46:54Becky Lucas,
46:54our final show for the season.
46:57Good night, Australia.
47:02And the low-pressure truck
47:03will cause widespread instability
47:05across the state tomorrow.
47:06Hey, sorry,
47:07sorry,
47:08what's the top thing for today?
47:09Oh, we're just live,
47:11but 17 in showers.
47:12Oh, okay, thanks.
47:13Sorry.
47:15Mushroom lady,
47:17talking about mushroom lady.
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