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Short filmTranscript
00:01Nothing united the UK more than a telephone.
00:06Everyone mucking in, trying to raise money for the less fortunate
00:10by humiliating yourself in front of your neighbours.
00:13Even celebrities came down from their ivory towers to show us they were just like us.
00:19Telephones were brilliant, but completely bonkers.
00:23Oh love, drop this into Mary, she's knitting a blanket for Africa.
00:27That has to be massive.
00:29Ma!
00:30Yes, I'm here.
00:32What took you so long?
00:34Right, here.
00:35Hello!
00:37That's not going to touch the sides.
00:39Alan, I bought every tin they had. I didn't know you'd need this many.
00:42I need photographic evidence.
00:44No-one is going to care. You're in a bar for beans.
00:47I'm supposed to be up to me neck.
00:49Poor kids could be eating these, you'd be better off donating them.
00:52Well I can't now, can I?
00:54This is disgusting, Alan.
00:56Let's go!
00:57Let's go!
00:58Yeah, both of you down the winds at the same time.
00:59Sign that.
01:00What?
01:01Sign that.
01:02It's for charity, for the telethon.
01:03Geoff Capes is doing a raffle for Anglia TV. It's going to get spicy.
01:05Here, get Banjo to sign it and all.
01:07Quick, quick.
01:08You ever held a pen before?
01:09Yeah.
01:10It's for charity, for the telethon. Geoff Capes is doing a raffle for Anglia TV.
01:14It's going to get spicy. Here, get Banjo to sign it and all.
01:20Quick, quick. You ever held a pen before? That's it. Good boy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no one wants you on the ball.
01:27Oh no, they'll want the manager, sure.
01:29No one cares about the manager, Gray.
01:33Why are you signing it?
01:34I'm just ejecting a bit of personality, aren't I? Give that to Wingnut when he's off the bogs. Cheers, Gray.
01:55I'd want you on my ball gaff.
02:05Ah, thanks, Alfie.
02:08Oh, Ang, you ain't got a few tins of beans if you were in a right state.
02:13I didn't know things were that bad.
02:15If your cupboards are bare, you can always send the boys to me for a feed.
02:19We'll say nothing of it. Me casserole is too casserole.
02:22Oh, for God's sake. We're just doing a bath of beans for charity.
02:25Well, we're trying. We're about 20 tins short.
02:26That's why we're here. Charlie's doing a camp out Saturday.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Nigel's digging a fire pit as we speak.
02:32Careful you don't fool him. Just whatever you can afford.
02:35Charlie's raised 78 pounds so far.
02:37Yeah, 30 quidder. That's from you.
02:38He's having a camp out. Load of mates coming round for the telethon.
02:42Oh, which mates?
02:43Michael Godgeon. Bradley.
02:45Who else? Jake.
02:47Jake!
02:49Maybe Alan could camp out instead of the beans.
02:52Oh, well, that's very... you'd like that, wouldn't you, with the boys?
02:56Oh, no. Not with Charlie. He's done enough of charity already.
03:00No, no, I meant maybe Graeme could put a tent up in your garden.
03:03If he's got time.
03:04Of course he has. Yeah, we might do that.
03:07No, no, no, no, we will not. I'm watching the telethon.
03:11Oh, and Kay's staying over.
03:13Christine. I'd never let Charlie have a girl stay over.
03:16That flies round muck.
03:18Well, Alan and Kay are very sensible.
03:20Well, I suppose it's easier to trust them when they look like that.
03:22Alan respects girls, Ange.
03:24They learn from their fathers, don't they?
03:26Right, come on, Alan. Let's dig that tent out.
03:28It'll be an adventure.
03:29So, the sleepover?
03:31Sure you don't want me to bring anything?
03:33No, just yourself.
03:35I'll pack out some light bites.
03:37And are you sure you're all right sleeping outside?
03:39It's a tent, Alan, not a kennel.
03:41So, I will have to ask my mum, but I'm sure you can.
04:06I'd love to. Not.
04:09Rather sleep in a bin. My God.
04:13You did give me a no.
04:15She gave me a no.
04:16Why would I want to hang out with them two?
04:18You literally asked them if you could go, you idiot.
04:20Yeah, I'm the knob.
04:22They've got eight eyes between them.
04:24Well, they can see you're an idiot, then.
04:26Er, settle down, please.
04:28Make no air. Why always day?
04:34I think it sounds like a laugh, Alan.
04:36I love a light bite.
04:38I'd go.
04:39Er, settle down.
04:40Had all the girls in the class sipped on a love potion?
04:44I was irresistible.
04:47Right. Er, no.
04:50You forget, don't you?
04:52When you haven't done it for a bit.
04:54It'll all come back.
04:55You'll see.
04:56Ah, dib-dib-dab and all that.
04:58Let me read that.
04:59Ah, don't, er...
05:02Don't need that.
05:03My dad could build an 11-man, goal-scoring, league-winning team from scratch.
05:09A two-man tent. Forget it.
05:19Tom's come to help, and he's bought his flash tent.
05:21All right.
05:22Yeah, heard you're over the edge flapping about.
05:24God, you must think we're incapable.
05:26We?
05:27No, I can, er...
05:29I can do it.
05:30I've just been destructed thinking about the game.
05:32Oh, yeah, yeah, look, you do what you need to do.
05:34It's fine.
05:35Right, let's get this up.
05:36Oh, all right.
05:38Right.
05:40Thank you for coming over.
05:43I mean...
05:44I can do it.
05:46Er...
05:49Yeah.
05:50Bye.
05:52See ya!
05:53It's a proper tent.
05:54Yeah, it is.
05:55Very nice.
05:56It's a palace.
05:57I said to him, make him suffer a bit.
05:59Oh, they will.
06:00Oh, they will.
06:01It gets freezing in the early hours.
06:02I mean, we really have to snuggle up.
06:07Do you, erm...
06:08Do you camp out a lot, then?
06:10Yeah.
06:11Yeah, we do.
06:17It's not always easy...
06:19booking things, holidays, when you're...
06:23when you're a bus.
06:24No.
06:25No.
06:26Look, I didn't like to assume.
06:30Christine, I was blaring Nana Muscuri White Rose of Athens at full blast this morning.
06:34The signs were all there.
06:37I think I could get used to this.
06:39Wish we had a telly in here.
06:40Imagine a little telly that you could carry around with you.
06:53Not everyone's obsessed with telly, Alan.
06:55No, but they would be if they had one of those.
06:57Nothing else would get done.
06:58I wonder what other boys over the road are doing.
07:06Lucky they got Jake.
07:07He's very outdoorsy, isn't he?
07:09He doesn't even wear a coat during winter, just his burgundy fleece.
07:12I think he and his brothers did Venture Scouts growing up.
07:17He could probably rub two stones together to make a fire.
07:20He's very dexterous.
07:22Isn't he?
07:24So dexterous it makes you sick.
07:27Bet you wish it was him in here right now, don't you?
07:30Not really.
07:32Do you?
07:33Alan?
07:34Your friend's here.
07:35Georgie?
07:37Did you invite Georgie?
07:38No.
07:39Oh.
07:40I'd like to stroke your back.
07:42I'll have a light bite.
07:46Oh, my God, she fancies me.
07:51Oh, hello.
07:52Just wanted to see how you were after the other day.
07:54Oh, what happened the other day?
07:55Nothing.
07:56I just felt a bit sick.
07:57Oh.
08:00And lovely of you to check in.
08:02Yeah.
08:04Thanks.
08:06What was Georgie doing here?
08:08I could only fit so many girls in me tent.
08:12Was there anything else?
08:14Would you like a drink?
08:15No, liquids for me, thank you.
08:17I don't want to end up weeing in the bird bath.
08:19Yes, well, the girls might like one.
08:21Something fizzy.
08:22Oh, yeah, that would be great.
08:23Oh, thanks.
08:24You pop in, love.
08:25Right, out we get.
08:26Come on.
08:27She's made an effort.
08:28She's very sick.
08:29Ah.
08:30Come on.
08:31Ah.
08:32Come on.
08:33Hair up, hair down, scrunchy off.
08:34Make your mind up, love.
08:35Then it hit me.
08:36She was flirting.
08:37God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
08:40Watching the whole thing?
08:41Yes.
08:42Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
08:43Is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
08:45Watching the whole thing?
08:46Yes.
08:47Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
08:48It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
08:49It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
08:5027 hours, we're on the air.
08:51And I'm on the air.
08:52Thank you very much.
08:53Thank you very much.
08:54It's not a bad start.
08:55Thank you very much.
08:56It's not a bad start.
08:57Welcome to the telecom.
08:5827 hours.
08:59Hair up, hair down, scrunchy off.
09:00Make your mind up, love.
09:01Then it hit me.
09:02She was flirting.
09:03God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
09:06Watching the whole thing?
09:08Yes.
09:09Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
09:12It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
09:15Charlie Hudson lives near you, doesn't he?
09:19Yeah, just across the road.
09:21The boys are all camping at his tonight.
09:23Jake and them.
09:24Oh, I know.
09:25We're all at it.
09:26Maz was going to go too, but Charlie's mum said,
09:30can't trust a girl near a sleeping bag.
09:36We should bring in Margaret a celeb.
09:45Oh, five, three, two, forty-three.
09:48Eleven, forty-three.
09:50OK, let's go.
09:52Now we go to Southampton.
09:54TVS.
09:55Fern Britton and Fred Dinage.
09:57It's ringing.
09:58Alan's great, isn't he?
10:00Yeah, he's great.
10:02He is great, yeah.
10:03They're ringing.
10:04Charlie said they were going to do a Ouija board.
10:06You shouldn't do them outdoors.
10:07The weather throws the results off.
10:08I think they were just mucking about.
10:09You don't muck about with the astral plane.
10:10I'm through!
10:11Oh, nice.
10:12Have you ever done one?
10:13Why are you here?
10:14To see Alan.
10:15You never normally bother with Alan.
10:16Me and my sister did one.
10:17We got this woman.
10:18She'd been murdered by her neighbour.
10:19Hit her over the head with a frying pan.
10:20She spelt out F-R-Y.
10:21I can spell frying pan, thanks.
10:22She said he's still out there somewhere.
10:23He'll kill again.
10:24Evening old!
10:25Hurrah!
10:26Welcome back.
10:27Fancy a little nightcap.
10:38She said he's still out there somewhere.
10:40He'll kill again.
10:42Evening old!
10:44Hurrah!
10:52Welcome back. Fancy little nightcap?
10:54Um, yeah.
10:56Yeah, um, just a minute.
11:00Sorry, love. Nick's here to see your dad. You're gonna have to go upstairs.
11:04Oh, really?
11:06Alan's been having a pajama sleepover thing.
11:10We're giving him a bit of space.
11:12Fair play, mate.
11:14You crack on.
11:16Don Julio.
11:18Naughty dog, innit?
11:20Shall we?
11:24Beautiful home.
11:26Thank you. Lovely to finally meet you, Chrissie.
11:28It's Christine.
11:30Here, do us a favour.
11:32Crack this open for us, will ya?
11:34Oh, hey.
11:36Only joking.
11:38Safe for hands and your keeper.
11:40Yeah, Vince.
11:42You should probably learn his name.
11:43Ah, sod that.
11:44Ain't learning all them names.
11:46They won't last.
11:48Oh!
11:50Speaking of which, you might wanna have a sit down.
11:53I am certain.
11:54You might wanna have a lie down, then.
11:56Right, I'll get the glasses.
12:00Redhead.
12:02Very nice.
12:03Always been partial to a redhead.
12:05I've settled on a blonde for now, but I truly believe men should experience every colour of the rainbow.
12:11Bugger me.
12:13When'd Lionel Blair get its hash?
12:19If you thought it was tense downstairs.
12:23Have you seen God's spell?
12:26No.
12:27I know what we could do.
12:33Hmm.
12:34You did what?
12:35I sold him.
12:36He's gone.
12:37Out the door.
12:39He wanted to say bye to you, but I know how emotional you get about these things, Gray, and I couldn't put the poor bugger through it.
12:45He's just a kid.
12:46He's 28.
12:4728.
12:48Yeah, whatever.
12:49Appointed.
12:5028?
12:51Bloody hell.
12:52He's getting on a bit.
12:53I did you a favour there.
12:54Take him out back and shoot him.
12:56Never mind sell him.
12:57I signed him on his 18th birthday.
12:59It took 10 years, but he's there now.
13:02He's solid.
13:03Apparently so.
13:04Silly bastard paid 15k for him.
13:07See, but this is what I'm talking about, Gray.
13:09I signed him on his 18th birthday.
13:11You're too attached.
13:12I'm not attached, but you consult me before selling my strongest.
13:16Defender.
13:17We discuss these things.
13:18Discuss it?
13:19What for?
13:20You'd say tomato.
13:21I'd say tomato.
13:22But I don't want to call the whole thing off, Gray, because we're barely getting started, son.
13:27We need him.
13:28We need cash.
13:30We need lots of cash, Graham.
13:32And fast.
13:33Here we go.
13:39Up the cobblers.
13:44Georgie, there's a toilet up here.
13:45Something told me Georgie wasn't after a midnight snack.
13:50Our team goes that way.
13:51Your team goes that way.
13:52Norby.
13:53Give it that way.
13:54We stop picking it that way.
13:55Sometimes they're in three brides.
13:56They can't have a half time.
13:57Go.
13:58Go.
13:59Go.
14:00Go.
14:01Go.
14:02Go.
14:03Go.
14:04Go.
14:05Go.
14:06Go.
14:07Go.
14:08Go.
14:09Go.
14:10Go.
14:11Go.
14:12Go.
14:13Go.
14:14Go.
14:15Go.
14:16Go.
14:17Go.
14:18Go.
14:19Go.
14:20Go.
14:21Go.
14:22Go.
14:23Go.
14:24Go.
14:25Go.
14:26Go.
14:27Go.
14:28Go.
14:29Go.
14:30Go.
14:31Go.
14:32Go.
14:33Go.
14:34Go.
14:37Go.
14:38Go.
14:39Go.
14:40Go.
14:41Go.
14:42And help us.
14:43Comic minds of our time. Have you seen Give Us A Clue?
14:45Egg it. Go on. Egg the door.
14:47You egg it.
14:48That's not how it works. I don't do.
14:50How about no one eggs the door?
14:52Watch this.
14:56See? Easy.
14:58What's the problem? You mates with these benders or something.
15:07Good shot.
15:09Dad, there's so much egg in an egg.
15:10Which one's Charlie's house?
15:12The one on the corner.
15:14Be back in a minute.
15:22She's not coming back, is she?
15:24No. Let's go back in. We don't want to miss Des O'Connor.
15:27Uh, okay, Penahana.
15:30Say hello to Jake.
15:31Georgie.
15:45Georgie.
15:46Are you in there?
15:47Yeah.
15:47Shh. Get in.
15:49Ooh.
15:50Hey, hi.
15:52Hello.
15:54Jake.
15:55Good timing.
15:56Drink?
15:57Yeah, go on then.
15:59I'd watched enough Jilly Gordon on food and drink to know which face to pull neck in spirits.
16:07Limit your reaction to just one eyelid.
16:09A manly sigh at the end.
16:11Do not cough.
16:12Cough.
16:12Cough.
16:13Cough.
16:13Cough.
16:14Cough.
16:14Oh.
16:15Oh, that's on your chest, that.
16:17We're playing Never Have I Ever.
16:18Oh, God.
16:19Let's do something else, eh?
16:21No.
16:21Georgie's turn.
16:22Go on.
16:23Hmm.
16:24Never have I ever done fourth base.
16:29I knew what first base was, but beyond that, I had no idea. First base, fourth base. How
16:36many bases does a woman have?
16:38I'm sure Alan can help you, Georgie.
16:40Don't worry, Al. It's just a game, innit?
16:42Yeah, well, you'll know who you've got your eye on.
16:44Oh, shut it, Bradley. Leave Alan alone.
16:47I'm bored of this now. Come on.
16:50How was your tent?
16:53It was something quite liberating. I'd love to live in a tent, mate.
16:57Waking up to that zip coming down every morning, it would make me smile.
17:01That sounds good to me. Never change, Alan.
17:04Hello, happy campers. I'm gonna hide a few pepperamis around the garden.
17:09Couple of Twixies. You can sniff them out like little badgers.
17:12We've got stuff in here.
17:14Yeah, but you want the full wilderness experience, don't you?
17:17Can you just get lost, Mum?
17:19Ooh. Someone's getting the grumpy ones.
17:22All right, my angel. Ooh.
17:24Little clue for you. Flower pot. That's all I'm saying.
17:29Thanks, Ange.
17:30Hi.
17:31Hey, Pete.
17:32Come on, Chris.
17:33Sorry, Nigel.
17:34Are you Chris things, mate?
17:35I'm in Charlie's class.
17:36Oh, the little elderly girl.
17:37Right.
17:38Come on, Chris.
17:39Sorry, Nigel.
17:40Are you Chris things, mate?
17:41I'm in Charlie's class.
17:42Oh, the little elderly girl.
17:44Right.
17:45Out you get.
17:46Oh, excuse me.
17:47We've got a couple of stowaways.
17:48Alan, you've left poor Kay on her own.
17:49Out.
17:50Alan, he's not in there.
17:51I mean, he might not be.
17:53Christine, you were having some sort of episode.
17:54Georgie came round to see Alan, but obviously got other ideas when she heard there was a tent
18:00full of boys across the road.
18:01Excuse me.
18:02Why don't you do something.
18:03Christine, come on, sweetheart.
18:04No, don't.
18:05Oh, hi, mum.
18:06What's that?
18:07Give me that.
18:08Right.
18:09All of you, out.
18:10Now.
18:11Come on.
18:12Come on.
18:13You are going to do something.
18:14having some sort of episode. Georgie came round house to see Ellen, but obviously got other ideas
18:18when she heard there was a tent full of boys across the road. Excuse me. Nigel, do something.
18:23Christine, come on, sweetheart. No, don't. Well, hi, Mum. What's that? Give me that. Right, all of you,
18:30out. Now. Come on. Right, do you mind the twigs? Out. What is your mum like? Oh, come on. Georgie,
18:42I can see your top not poking through the sleeping bag. They've been drinking. It weren't me. Yeah,
18:50you only gave us a fag. Oh, Radley, stop talking. It was me. I brought it. Sorry. I can't believe
18:56this. You have no idea what's going on in your back garden. Did Alan put you up to this, my darling?
19:06Of course he didn't. Because I know he was gagging to get in that tent. Right, Alan, we're off.
19:11And you, Georgie. Get your stuff from ours. I thought you said you could trust him.
19:17You don't even know what's going on in your own back garden. State of it.
19:25Christine, don't you walk away from me. Christine, I know you can hear me. You've got a bloody cheek.
19:32At least I'm not losing other people's children. That's the first friend he's had round
19:35and she's a rat out the cage. Oh, yeah. You love to show up about your Charlie's mates
19:39because you haven't got any of your own. I'll remember that next time you come begging for food.
19:43Whoa. Begging to you. Calm down a bit. No, no, no, no. You crack on, girls. This is lovely stuff.
19:49They always like this. Yes. No. No, yeah, yeah. Once I get going,
19:53they're like wildcats, are they? No. No biting, please, girls.
19:56No, I won't keep quiet. I'm fed up of it. We need to find out how to do this.
19:59Boys? Is everything all right?
20:03Someone's throwing eggs at our front door. We just sat down to watch the Golden Girls
20:07and then... God, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
20:11Oh, do you reckon it was kids? Well, either that or a chicken fired one out mid-flight.
20:15Hey, Jez, it's not funny. You know, we had a lot of this sort of thing in the old place.
20:18Yeah. Just can't seem to leave us alone. Oh, my God, are you? Babe?
20:23Yep. What? No. No, no. I was talking to you about carburettors earlier.
20:30He said he supported Dagan and Rovers. Oh, I'm sorry, Nigel.
20:33Which team should have put support? Arsenal. No. No.
20:38What? You've... You've done this on purpose. You've... You've been leading me on.
20:44Sorry, Nigel. You're really not a type. At all.
20:47My God, it's spreading up the street. First your house, now theirs.
20:51I'm going to wake up like Nabaretta Lova.
20:52Right, can't we just stop? Please. I'll do it. I'll clean it up.
20:56It's... It's fine. It's nearly done anyway now, so... But thank you.
20:59Well, look. Come in for a cuppa. I insist.
21:02As long as you're sure.
21:03Well, yeah, yeah. It's your Christine's friend.
21:06And, uh, yeah, you both of you can... With the both of...
21:09I'm... I'm going to put the kettle on. Come on.
21:12Why are you being rude?
21:12Well, we will not be coming.
21:15Good. You weren't invited.
21:18Yeah... Oh, I am stubborn.
21:20What is a will coming to you?
21:21How does he know that comes to you?
21:22Excuse me. How does he know that?
21:24I'll go anyway. No.
21:26Thank you. Thank you very much.
21:27Oh, Joe.
21:36Yeah.
21:37But...
21:38And there was me thinking sitting in a bar full of cold-baked beans was humiliating.
21:43But seeing him putting his arm round her and walking off, well,
21:47me toes curled and me stomach churned.
21:50Good night, Chrissie.
22:20I wasn't talking about Georgie.
22:26I know.
22:28I've known for ages.
22:32Night, Adam.
22:33I tell my blues they mustn't show, but soon these tears are bound to flow, cause it's raining.
22:46Raining in my heart.
22:59To be continued...
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