- 2 days ago
If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind!!! is a 1975 American comedy film directed by Keefe Brasselle and I. Robert Levy.
The film was followed two years later by the sequel Can I Do It... 'Til I Need Glasses?
Plot summary
The World Society of Zsexual Arts and Sciences holds its annual meeting to select the year's winners of the World Zex awards. The selection committee views film clips of the various contestants (a series of sthemed comedy sketches). At the final awards show, the golden "dildies" are presented to the winners and Keefe Brasselle sings and dances with showgirls.
The film was followed two years later by the sequel Can I Do It... 'Til I Need Glasses?
Plot summary
The World Society of Zsexual Arts and Sciences holds its annual meeting to select the year's winners of the World Zex awards. The selection committee views film clips of the various contestants (a series of sthemed comedy sketches). At the final awards show, the golden "dildies" are presented to the winners and Keefe Brasselle sings and dances with showgirls.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The End
00:00:30Thank you very much.
00:00:41Are you ready, sir?
00:00:43My dear, have you decided what you'll have for dinner?
00:00:46Yes, I have.
00:00:48I'll start off with Escarga Marseille with Chablis, 1964.
00:00:52Then Crab Crab with mustard sauce, Manhattan clam chowders.
00:00:55Caesar salad for two. Don't forget the anchovies.
00:00:58Chateaubriand.
00:01:00Blood rare.
00:01:01With the scallop potatoes, ala pierre, vegetables and garni, of course, with that, a bottle of Margaux, 57.
00:01:07Asparagus tips, hollandaise sauce supreme, fettuccine Alfredo, a magnum and Piper Heitzig champagne, five star, 1961.
00:01:1561.
00:01:16And, of course, don't forget the balacaviar, caviar.
00:01:19For dessert, I want baked Alaska, cherries Jubilee, chocolate mousse, strawberries Teddy, and a demi-tasse of Irish coffee.
00:01:27My dear, tell me, do you eat this well at home?
00:01:38Well, no.
00:01:39But then again, at home, nobody wants to fuck me.
00:01:42I just want kind of breakfast.
00:01:42I don't give it to anybody.
00:01:42I'm...
00:01:43I don't give it to anybody.
00:01:52I don't give it to anybody.
00:01:57Let me thank you.
00:02:03Good morning.
00:02:33Good morning, Mr. Perry.
00:02:34Good morning, Mr. Winston.
00:02:35Good morning, Mr. Sullivan.
00:02:36Jerry, how are you?
00:02:38Ah, Dr. Coswell.
00:02:39Good morning, Mr. Coswell.
00:02:40Happy comes you.
00:02:42Oh, thank you.
00:02:45It's a pleasure having you on the committee again.
00:02:47The pleasure is mine, Jerome.
00:02:50I'm sure I don't have to remind you of the importance of our being here.
00:02:53We must go over thoroughly each and every file submitted by our investigators.
00:02:58Then, when we have cast our ballots, the world will soon know the winners of the World Sex Award.
00:03:05Hear, hear.
00:03:07And now, if we're ready to begin...
00:03:09We have ten areas for our consideration.
00:03:23Preliminary approach, truth, consistency, emotion, appearance, timing, interplay,
00:03:35as opposed to foreplay, pace, commitment, and overall performance.
00:03:46Observe the following representative scenes very closely.
00:03:50The dignity of the World Sex Awards depend on your judgment.
00:03:55Help!
00:03:56Oh, honey, come here!
00:03:57I just don't believe it.
00:04:01That nurse Owens has got to be the most incompetent nurse I've ever seen.
00:04:05Just look how she screwed up these reports.
00:04:08How in the hell did she ever get to be a nurse?
00:04:11Simple.
00:04:12Her father is chief of staff of surgery at the hospital here.
00:04:15Ah!
00:04:17Woo!
00:04:19Woo!
00:04:19Woo!
00:04:19Woo!
00:04:19Woo!
00:04:20Woo!
00:04:20Woo!
00:04:20Woo!
00:04:20Woo!
00:04:20Woo!
00:04:20Woo!
00:04:21Woo!
00:04:21Woo!
00:04:21Woo!
00:04:21Woo!
00:04:21Woo!
00:04:22Woo!
00:04:22Woo!
00:04:23Woo!
00:04:23Woo!
00:04:23Woo!
00:04:24Woo!
00:04:24Woo!
00:04:25Woo!
00:04:25Woo!
00:04:26Woo!
00:04:26Woo!
00:04:27Dolorans, I told you to prick his boil!
00:04:35Help!
00:04:44Three, please.
00:04:46Ballroom, please.
00:04:48Sorry.
00:04:49Didn't realize I was crowding you.
00:04:52Dolores, now that we're married, I think it's time to get to know each other directly.
00:04:56And without shame.
00:04:58Now, do you know what this is?
00:05:02Well, that's a wee-wee.
00:05:04No, no, my dear sweet Dolores.
00:05:07That is not a wee-wee.
00:05:08From now on, we shall call this a prick.
00:05:12Oh, come on, Arnold.
00:05:13I've seen lots of pricks, and that is definitely a wee-wee.
00:05:26What the hell do you think you're doing?
00:05:35I'm sleeping on the couch.
00:05:37Are you kidding?
00:05:39This is our wedding night, and there's certain duties that a husband must perform.
00:05:43Oh, no, not me.
00:05:45My mother told me that you women have teeth down there,
00:05:49so I'm sleeping on the couch to avoid pain and injury.
00:05:52Teeth?
00:05:53Well, that's the most ridiculous and asinine thing I ever heard.
00:05:57Now, you listen to me.
00:05:58I've been waiting 27 years for this night, and I'm not going to let you spoil it.
00:06:03So you get in that bedroom right now.
00:06:05You've got work to do.
00:06:06Oh, no, I'm not.
00:06:07I know you've got teeth down there,
00:06:09and you're not going to convince me otherwise, so there.
00:06:12Okay.
00:06:23What is it, my son?
00:06:39Tell me.
00:06:42Here, my son.
00:06:45Write down your last words for your beloved wife.
00:06:48Go ahead.
00:06:51Write them for her.
00:06:54She's hurrying here now, but I'm afraid.
00:06:58I'll make sure that she gets it.
00:07:00Oh, no, Father, is he?
00:07:19Yes, my child.
00:07:20He's at peace now,
00:07:21but his last thoughts were revealed.
00:07:25Here, my daughter.
00:07:26Get your fucking foot off the oxygen hose.
00:07:47And so, ladies and gentlemen,
00:07:52I hope that here, in this sex clinic, ladies and gentlemen,
00:07:56you will learn the solution to your particular problem.
00:08:00Now, you should feel free to ask any question on any subject,
00:08:04whether it concerns impetus,
00:08:07or penis envy complex,
00:08:09or nymphomania,
00:08:11or fellatio compulsion,
00:08:13or any of those good things.
00:08:15Doctor, I really have a problem.
00:08:18For me, sex is just a pain in the ass.
00:08:21And you, sir?
00:08:23You talk to your wife while you're having sex?
00:08:26Yes, if I happen to be near the phone.
00:08:33Tomorrow's your birthday, my sweet,
00:08:35and I don't know what to get you.
00:08:38You've got everything, of course.
00:08:41Well, surely there must be something.
00:08:43By Jove, Isaac, I've got it.
00:08:45I'll get you a monkey.
00:08:47A monkey?
00:08:49What on earth am I going to do with a monkey?
00:08:51Well, you don't own one, do you?
00:08:53No, I don't.
00:08:54But where will the poor beast eat?
00:08:56Why, in the dining room with us, of course.
00:08:59What about its quarters?
00:09:01Where will the beast sleep?
00:09:02Why, in the bed.
00:09:03It can sleep with us.
00:09:05Really?
00:09:06In the same bed?
00:09:08Think of that terrible, obnoxious odor.
00:09:12The stench.
00:09:13The smell will be awful.
00:09:15I got used to it.
00:09:17And a monkey will get used to it.
00:09:19Now, how can you tell them that your best man went and slammed your slong in a door?
00:09:30And then, well, then I had to go to a hospital, put the thing in a sling.
00:09:35Oh, it was hot talk.
00:09:38No, how can I tell her?
00:09:39She's waited her whole life for this night.
00:09:41All right, thanks.
00:09:44Thanks, Doc.
00:09:45Bye-bye.
00:10:00Stop, please, mister.
00:10:02Please, stop.
00:10:07Yes, ma'am.
00:10:08Can I help you?
00:10:08Yes, there's something you could do for me.
00:10:13Now, wait a minute.
00:10:14Now, don't get excited with that thing.
00:10:16I'll give you all my money.
00:10:18Don't want your money, sonny.
00:10:20Well, what is it you do want?
00:10:22I'll do anything you say.
00:10:23Just don't shoot.
00:10:25I want you to jack off.
00:10:28Jack off?
00:10:30In the middle of Interstate 39?
00:10:32Got it right, Sparks.
00:10:34Now, get going.
00:10:38Okay, lady.
00:10:43I hope you're satisfied.
00:10:46Can I get out of here now?
00:10:48Nope, sonny.
00:10:50Beat it again.
00:10:52Oh, lady.
00:10:53Have a heart.
00:10:55Okay.
00:10:56You're the boss.
00:11:00What's it again, buster?
00:11:03I'll blow your brains out.
00:11:04Sonny, that was a pretty good one.
00:11:09Now, let's whip it again.
00:11:13Lady, I don't care if you shoot me.
00:11:18I don't care if you kill me.
00:11:21I couldn't raise another hard-hunt no matter what you do.
00:11:25That's just what I wanted to hear.
00:11:27You can come out now, Mary Lou.
00:11:34This nice man's gonna give you a ride to Fresno.
00:11:38No?
00:11:55No.
00:12:19You know, I've noticed you in here before, and I really think you're beautiful.
00:12:24You know, I've been noticing you quite a bit.
00:12:27I was just wondering if, well, maybe you'd like to come home and meet my parents.
00:12:32How dare you!
00:12:34You piece!
00:12:36You're acting weird again.
00:12:53Jumpy and twitchy.
00:12:55Nervous all the time.
00:12:56Real mental case.
00:12:57Yeah, it sounds like she just needs a rest.
00:12:59Are you going to send her to Palm Springs this year?
00:13:01No.
00:13:02I think I'll just fuck her myself.
00:13:04No.
00:13:04Yes, brothers and sisters, I have sinned.
00:13:14I have lain in the arms of many men.
00:13:19I've drunk gin.
00:13:21I've smoked.
00:13:24Night after night I've caroused and gambled my youth and future happiness.
00:13:30Entire weekends I would spend at drunken orgies and wild parties.
00:13:36But I've changed.
00:13:39Look at me now.
00:13:41Come on in.
00:13:46Now you see how I spend my weekends.
00:13:50I spend my weekends standing on this corner, just beating this motherfucking drum.
00:14:02All right, now let's greet our next contestant on the Amateur Hour from Hannah, Missouri, Mr. Lionel Schlemmer.
00:14:15Welcome to the show, Lionel.
00:14:18Thank you very much, Mr.
00:14:21Tack, Mr. Tack.
00:14:22You're just a little nervous, aren't you, Lionel?
00:14:26Well, tell me, Lionel, what do you plan to do with the prize money if you happen to win our talent contest tonight?
00:14:32Well, I plan to use it to have a hernia operation.
00:14:34A hernia operation.
00:14:37All right, now, Lionel, you just take your place, okay?
00:14:40And we'll be with you in just a moment, okay?
00:14:43Now, ladies and gentlemen, stepping into the Amateur Hour spotlight from Hannah, Missouri, Mr. Lionel Schlemmer singing and dancing to Dixie.
00:14:57I wish I was here with her, Captain.
00:15:03I wish I was here with her.
00:15:03I wish...
00:15:05Boy, 25 years in prison, that's a long time.
00:15:32I'll bet you it was rough on you.
00:15:33Yeah, it taught me a lesson.
00:15:36Believe me, I'm never going back to that hellhole again.
00:15:39I don't blame you.
00:15:42Hey, what the hell's your problem, man?
00:15:45I mean, since I walked in this place, you've been eyeballing me.
00:15:48Like, what's your problem?
00:15:50I'm sorry.
00:15:51I didn't mean to stare at you like that.
00:15:54You see, I just got out of prison.
00:15:55I did 25 years for raping a buffalo.
00:15:58I thought for a minute there, you might be my son.
00:16:03You know, being married to Harry is really rough on a girl.
00:16:10If his penis was a half an inch longer, I couldn't stand it.
00:16:15Me neither.
00:16:16Hey, Patrick, I haven't seen you in a long time.
00:16:20Yeah, why, let me have a beer, will you?
00:16:22Hey, listen, uh, how's the wife?
00:16:24Oh, you didn't hear.
00:16:25She died last week.
00:16:27Gonorrhea.
00:16:27Strangled to death.
00:16:29Gee, that's too bad.
00:16:31Hey, wait a minute.
00:16:32People don't strangle to death when they have gonorrhea.
00:16:34Oh, they do when they give it to me.
00:16:35Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
00:16:40This is Hilton Bank, your WWAMC.
00:16:43I'd like to welcome you this afternoon to Wide World of Athletics.
00:16:47This afternoon, we have the privilege of interviewing the lovely wife of all-star pro golfer Mike Birdie.
00:16:55How are you today, Mrs. Birdie?
00:16:57I'm fine, Hilton.
00:16:58It's a great and sacred pleasure to be on your show.
00:17:02Thank you, Mrs. Birdie.
00:17:04Let me ask you a question.
00:17:07Before a big tournament, is there some special thing that you do for your husband?
00:17:12Oh, I usually rub his balls.
00:17:16How does this seem to help?
00:17:20Oh, it straightens out his putts.
00:17:22Three children, and you've been married six and a half years, is that correct?
00:17:28That's right, doctor.
00:17:30Do you ever use Vaseline for sexual purposes?
00:17:34Oh, very often.
00:17:35Doesn't everyone?
00:17:36Really?
00:17:36Very good.
00:17:38And, uh, where do you apply it?
00:17:40On the bedroom doorknob, of course.
00:17:43The bedroom doorknob?
00:17:45Why there?
00:17:46It keeps the kids from coming into the room while we're screwing.
00:17:51And you, sir?
00:17:53Do you cheat on your wife?
00:17:55Who else?
00:17:57Doctor, my husband thinks I'm frigid just because I detest sex.
00:18:03Isn't that ridiculous?
00:18:04You see what I mean?
00:18:05This broad's driving me nuts.
00:18:07What do you mean I'm driving you nuts?
00:18:10Why, you're the most despicable bastard.
00:18:12Please, let's not have any arguments.
00:18:14We're only here to help.
00:18:15Sorry, doc.
00:18:16All right, now let's get on with this.
00:18:18How many children do you have?
00:18:20We have three children.
00:18:21All by rape.
00:18:23Why don't you go fuck yourself?
00:18:2578!
00:18:2678!
00:18:26Kid, you're sensational.
00:18:41Baby, Lou Latsvinger, talent agent.
00:18:43That's the greatest melody I've ever heard.
00:18:46It's an original.
00:18:47I write all my own tunes.
00:18:48You write all your own stuff?
00:18:49Just what I'm looking for.
00:18:51With songs like that, I can get you booked at the palace.
00:18:53Who's your publisher?
00:18:54I don't have any.
00:18:55Publishers want nothing to do with me.
00:18:57You're putting me on, kid.
00:18:58You're talking to Lou Baby now, huh?
00:19:00Your songs are great.
00:19:01You could sell millions.
00:19:02Why won't the publishers talk to you?
00:19:04I don't know.
00:19:05They say it's my titles.
00:19:06Titles?
00:19:07Well, what's the name of the song you're playing now?
00:19:09Well, this happens to be one of my favorites.
00:19:12It's called, I love you so fucking much I could shit.
00:19:18Peaches!
00:19:20Pears!
00:19:22Peaches!
00:19:24Pears!
00:19:25Peaches!
00:19:27Pears!
00:19:28Hey, Padlet.
00:19:30Have you got a minute?
00:19:32Come on.
00:19:32I want to talk to you.
00:19:33Come on.
00:19:39I'd like to buy some peaches.
00:19:45Oh, sure, lady.
00:19:46I got plenty nice, fresh peaches.
00:19:49But tell me, are they nice and big like these?
00:19:53Yes.
00:19:55And are they nice...
00:19:56And don't come back till your mother gives you some money, degenerate.
00:20:05Oh.
00:20:09Bill!
00:20:10Bill!
00:20:11Bill!
00:20:16I haven't seen a ceiling since last winter.
00:20:23It's been so long I can't remember when.
00:20:30If business doesn't pick up very shortly.
00:20:35I'm afraid we'll all be virgins once again.
00:20:44Oh, God forbid!
00:20:49Now it's time we must examine all our methods.
00:20:54Now it's time we must adapt to something new.
00:20:58In order to get back our former patrons.
00:21:07It's obvious there's one thing we must do.
00:21:14We've got to get back on our backs.
00:21:27We've got to get out into bed.
00:21:30Instead of enjoyment, we've faked unemployment.
00:21:33We've got to get back into bed.
00:21:35We've got to get back on our backs.
00:21:37And get those men on the streets.
00:21:39On Fort Blanchard diners, we don't need consigners.
00:21:43We've got to get back in the sheets.
00:21:45We've got to get back on our backs.
00:21:48Our beauty is dying to quilt.
00:21:50We can be passionate.
00:21:52If there's any cash in it.
00:21:53We've got to get back in the quilt.
00:21:55My creditors are tired of all my begging.
00:22:05My girls are ready for the auction block.
00:22:13The welfare office turns me down each Wednesday.
00:22:19Last week, I put my diaphragm in the hock.
00:22:36We've got to get back on our backs.
00:22:39And get all the business we last.
00:22:42We're sad and forlorny.
00:22:43Because we're so horny.
00:22:45We've got to get back in the sack.
00:22:46We've got to get back on our backs.
00:22:49Strike while the iron is hot.
00:22:52Come on, you big tippers.
00:22:53I tip those dippers.
00:22:55We've got to get back in the cot.
00:22:57We've got to get back on our backs.
00:22:59We're not here to strengthen our minds.
00:23:02If you're looking for virginity.
00:23:04You're in the wrong vicinity.
00:23:05We've got to get on our behind.
00:23:07So in order to solve all our problems
00:23:16A franchise that we knew would be just right
00:23:22We started our own takeout service
00:23:30And we called it, yes, Quickie Delight
00:23:44Quickie Delight, Quickie Delight
00:23:47Focus if you're looking for sex tonight
00:23:50Give us a break, we promise you bring
00:23:52All the love you want and your love
00:23:54Data will sway
00:23:57Good evening, Quickie Delight
00:24:05Yes, sir, two blondes and a redhead coming right up
00:24:09Good evening, Quickie Delight
00:24:14No, sir, it doesn't matter how far away you live
00:24:18It'll be hot when it gets there
00:24:20Good evening, Quickie Delight
00:24:25Yes, sir
00:24:27Oh, is that to go or will you eat it here?
00:24:31Now no more credit are we gonna withstand
00:24:36Pay later has come to an end
00:24:41All you chicks, if they want their kicks
00:24:47Money has to be our only friend
00:24:50We're gonna get lots of new johns
00:24:54And turn them all on
00:24:56And make ourselves some friends
00:25:01In God we trust, all others take care
00:25:06Let's get back in that bed
00:25:10Get back in that bed
00:25:15Nothing but feeling
00:25:16You know you belong
00:25:21Inside
00:25:22Well, things are looking up for those lovely young ladies
00:25:38With this inflation, I don't know how they'll make ends meet
00:25:42Virtue is its own reward
00:25:43Virtue?
00:25:46Malcolm, look at this next one
00:25:47It's up your alley
00:25:48Up yours
00:25:50Tea, you're a little dry tonight
00:26:01Well, move up a little, schmuck
00:26:03You're eating the sheet
00:26:04You know, this wife swapping business wasn't such a bad idea
00:26:21I only hope our wives are hitting it off this well
00:26:25Welcome to that famous TV show
00:26:29The show that loves to give away money
00:26:32TV jackpot
00:26:34All right, now let's meet our next contestant
00:26:41From Wedlock, Oklahoma
00:26:43Miss Marion Cleavage
00:26:46Welcome
00:26:49Welcome to the show, Marion
00:26:51Thank you, thank you
00:26:52You don't mind if I call you Marion?
00:26:53Oh no, not at all
00:26:54Cleavage sounds so formal
00:26:55Yeah
00:26:56That's a very interesting town you come from
00:26:59Tell me, were you born in Wedlock?
00:27:00Oh no, I was born outside of Wedlock
00:27:02Oh, that's very good, Marion
00:27:06All right, you know how to play the game, don't you?
00:27:08Oh, yeah
00:27:08All right, well then let's play TV jackpot
00:27:11Okay, for $50, Marion
00:27:13Who was the first man?
00:27:16Um, uh, Adam
00:27:18Right, for $50!
00:27:21All right
00:27:22Okay, now, you had $50
00:27:25Do you want to keep that
00:27:26Or do you want to try and double up?
00:27:28No, no, no
00:27:30No, no, no
00:27:32She wants to go, ladies and gentlemen
00:27:34She wants to die out
00:27:35All right
00:27:35All right, Marion
00:27:36For $100
00:27:37Who was the first woman?
00:27:41Um
00:27:42Eve
00:27:43Right, for $100!
00:27:46All right
00:27:46Okay, now
00:27:50You have $100
00:27:50Do you want to quit?
00:27:52Or do you want to double up?
00:27:53Go, Marion
00:27:54Go
00:27:55If you answer
00:27:56If you ask me
00:27:57You will never do
00:27:58I'll never have so far
00:27:59I'll go
00:28:02She wants to go
00:28:03Ready, together
00:28:03She wants to double up
00:28:05Appreciate your life
00:28:05You've got your lovely night
00:28:06Oh, thank you
00:28:07Okay, now
00:28:09For $200
00:28:10Listen carefully
00:28:11What were Eve's
00:28:13First words
00:28:14To Adam?
00:28:16Oh, gosh
00:28:17That's a hard one
00:28:19Ride for $200!
00:28:21Will the lady who just boarded the bus
00:28:39Please step forward
00:28:40Well, the lady who's reading the Bible
00:28:51With the flowers in her hat
00:28:52And the white blouse
00:28:53Please step forward
00:28:54You forgot to pay your fare
00:28:56Lady, pardon me
00:28:57But I think he's talking to you
00:28:59Fuck him
00:29:02Is he drafting here?
00:29:14Uh-uh
00:29:15Why?
00:29:16I think I'm getting a chess call
00:29:18Jordan?
00:29:29You light a cigarette?
00:29:30No, sir
00:29:30No, sir
00:29:31Well, give me a light, Dad
00:29:32Yes, sir
00:29:33Yes, sir
00:29:34Thank you, Jordan
00:29:36That's fine
00:29:37I'll just light it myself
00:29:38You know, Jordan
00:29:39I made my way up on my own
00:29:42My old daddy never gave me nothing
00:29:44But I fought my way for everything
00:29:46And I made my way to the top
00:29:48Yes, sir, you did
00:29:49It's going to be different
00:29:50With my daughter, Jordan
00:29:51You know, she's my darling
00:29:53My angel
00:29:54My apple of my eye
00:29:55She's going to have the finest
00:29:57And I mean the finest
00:29:58Including college
00:29:59College?
00:30:00What college are you going to send her to, boss?
00:30:02What, good old Georgia Tech?
00:30:04That's what's college, boy
00:30:05Georgia Tech?
00:30:07You must be kidding
00:30:08Huh?
00:30:08No one goes there but football players and whores
00:30:10Jordan, now have you know that my dear wife went to Georgia Tech?
00:30:16Oh, really?
00:30:17What position did she play?
00:30:20Hey, bartender
00:30:21This guy's playing with himself
00:30:25Oh, just ignore him
00:30:27I can't
00:30:29He's using my hand
00:30:30Oh, man
00:30:39The high time went on last night
00:30:43I went to a wild party and I got so smashed
00:30:47I left my wallet in the bathroom
00:30:50Aren't you going to go back and look for it?
00:30:53Well, I'd like to
00:30:54But I was so drunk
00:30:54I can't remember where the house was
00:30:56Oh, come on
00:30:59You've got some important IDs in there
00:31:01And some credit cards
00:31:02You've got to remember something
00:31:03Think
00:31:03Let's see
00:31:06There was a house in the neighborhood
00:31:09Had a green door
00:31:11With a
00:31:12With a
00:31:13With a
00:31:13With a
00:31:13With a
00:31:13With a
00:31:13With a
00:31:14With a
00:31:15With a
00:31:15With a
00:31:15With a
00:31:16With a
00:31:16With a
00:31:16With a
00:31:17With a
00:31:17With a
00:31:17Red drapes
00:31:17In the living room
00:31:18Oh, yeah
00:31:22And the bathroom
00:31:24Was the wildest thing you ever saw
00:31:26A gold metal toilet
00:31:28Look, that's not going to be too hard to find
00:31:32A green door with a bullhorn
00:31:33And a gold metal toilet
00:31:35Come on
00:31:35Hurry up and get dressed
00:31:36And I'll help you find it
00:31:37What the hell do you want?
00:31:52Come on, go ahead, ask her
00:31:54Uh, did you have a party here last night?
00:31:59Yeah, we did
00:32:00What's it to you?
00:32:04Do you have a red drape in your living room?
00:32:07Yeah
00:32:07We do
00:32:08So what?
00:32:12This might be a strange question to ask
00:32:14But do you have
00:32:14A gold metal toilet?
00:32:20Hey, Harry
00:32:21I just found the idiot
00:32:24That cracked in your tuba
00:32:26First case
00:32:38Annabelle Carson
00:32:39Accused of prostitution
00:32:41Your Honor
00:32:56This is a disgrace
00:32:57This is a disgrace
00:32:57Why my mother would turn over in her grave
00:32:59What if she could see her poor innocent baby
00:33:01Being accused of prostitution?
00:33:05Young lady
00:33:05You have seven prior convictions of prostitution
00:33:09And that's just in the last three months
00:33:12Thirty days
00:33:13Bailiff take her away
00:33:15Next case
00:33:22Darlene Dorsey
00:33:24Becuse the prostitution
00:33:25What kind of a world are we living in anyway?
00:33:27Can't a girl ask a sailor for a cigarette
00:33:30Without the police thinking she's a hooker?
00:33:32I've never been so embarrassed or humiliated in all my life
00:33:35Miss Dorsey
00:33:38You've had 15 convictions in the last two months
00:33:42Oh, but Your Honor
00:33:43It's a mistake
00:33:44I'm the victim of the
00:33:45Sixty days
00:33:46Bailiff take her away
00:33:48Next case
00:33:54Marjorie Pittens
00:33:56Accused of prostitution
00:34:05Your Honor
00:34:06I am a whore
00:34:11I know it's a lousy thing to say
00:34:15But it's the only way I know to make a living
00:34:17Do with me as you want
00:34:21My life is worthless
00:34:23I have no reason to go on living
00:34:27My dear
00:34:28In the 20 years I've sat on this bench
00:34:32You're the first honest woman to come before me
00:34:36And your honesty shall not go unrewarded
00:34:40Case dismissed
00:34:42Uh, Bailiff
00:34:44Have a check made out for $500
00:34:46From the policeman's welfare fund
00:34:48And give it to this young lady
00:34:50Miss Pittens
00:34:53We hope that this money can start you on a new life
00:34:57Next case
00:35:01Morse
00:35:02Goldberg
00:35:03Accused of selling fruit without a license
00:35:06You are not
00:35:08What's the use of trying to lie to a learned man like yourself?
00:35:10Yorna
00:35:14What's the use of trying to lie to a learned man like yourself?
00:35:31What's the use of trying to lie to a learned man like yourself?
00:35:38I, too, am a whore.
00:35:44Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
00:35:47This is Hilton Bank, your W.W.A. announcer.
00:35:50This afternoon, we are interviewing former ace Air Force pilot
00:35:55during the Second World War with the RAF, Mr. Sven Schwentzen.
00:36:01Now tell me, Mr. Schwentzen, during your experiences in the Second World War with the RAF,
00:36:08what was the most frightening experience that you had?
00:36:13Well, I was flying over Germany all by myself.
00:36:20Then all of a sudden, to my right, there was this German Fokker.
00:36:23And then to my left was another German Fokker.
00:36:26And then I was completely surrounded by all these German Fokkers.
00:36:29Um, let me explain to our viewing audience
00:36:33that the German Fokker, spelt F-O-K-K-E-R,
00:36:38was a German plane flown during the Second World War by the Luftwaffe.
00:36:43Now, isn't that correct, Mr. Schwentzen?
00:36:44Yeah, yeah, yeah, but these Fokkers were Major Schmitz.
00:36:49Uh, let's go back to our main studio now.
00:36:52Okay, Mac, what'll it be?
00:37:03Oh, dear me, uh, I'd like a glass of milk.
00:37:06Oh, how sweet. Thank you very much.
00:37:24My, that was delicious.
00:37:26Could I trouble you for another glass of fresh dairy?
00:37:28Say, listen, there aren't many people in here.
00:37:40Uh, where is everybody?
00:37:42Weren't you guys out back lynching some queer?
00:37:44No shit.
00:37:59Man, things are really tough.
00:38:01Top of everything else, my wife's cut me down to once a week now.
00:38:04Oh, man, that's too bad.
00:38:06I think it could be worse.
00:38:08What do you mean?
00:38:09I know two guys she cut off altogether.
00:38:11Hey, Lou, I saw some guy trying to screw your wife the other night.
00:38:20Did he succeed?
00:38:20No.
00:38:21Then it wasn't my wife.
00:38:25Two vodka martis.
00:38:28Say, honey, I sure would love to get into your pants.
00:38:34Sorry, baby.
00:38:35One asshole in there is enough.
00:38:37I'm as amazed as you are, Mrs. Colfax.
00:38:42But I, I sent these tests to the lab four times.
00:38:45And each time they come back positive.
00:38:47Pregnant.
00:38:49Are you sure?
00:38:51Well, I'm 79.
00:38:53And Morris, my husband, is 84 years old.
00:38:57I'm sorry.
00:38:58But there can be no doubt about it.
00:39:00You're pregnant.
00:39:02Oh, that lousy bastard.
00:39:07That, that, that no good son of a bitch.
00:39:09Oh, wait like him.
00:39:11I'll kill him.
00:39:12Oh.
00:39:20Hello.
00:39:22Morris?
00:39:24You lousy sex maniac.
00:39:27You know, you got me pregnant, you son of a bitch, you.
00:39:32Who is this?
00:39:38And then you can imagine my embarrassment, Doctor,
00:39:41when on the night of our 25th anniversary,
00:39:43my husband told me I was really big down there.
00:39:47My goodness, what a large vagina.
00:39:49My goodness, what a large vagina.
00:39:51Well, that may be true, Doctor, but you didn't have to say it twice.
00:39:57I didn't.
00:40:01Well, you're in excellent shape, Mr. Goldberg.
00:40:04And I have some very good news for you.
00:40:06I was just talking to the lab.
00:40:08It's definite.
00:40:09You do not have VD.
00:40:11Oh, thank God.
00:40:12I was so worried.
00:40:14I mean, what does it look like, a man 74 with a social disease?
00:40:20Tell me, Doc, I still have a drip down there.
00:40:23If it's not VD, what is it?
00:40:27Well, let me ask you a question.
00:40:29When were you last with a woman?
00:40:31Well, I'm still pretty active, you know, for a man my age.
00:40:34Yes, yes, yes, I'm sure.
00:40:36But when were you last with a woman?
00:40:38About six weeks ago.
00:40:40Well, you better get right back to her.
00:40:42You're just now coming.
00:40:47Let's see now.
00:40:47Can't a guy get a breather around here?
00:40:55Jesus Christ, come on in already.
00:40:57Come in.
00:40:59Hi, Mr. Last Finger.
00:41:01Could I talk to you for a minute?
00:41:03Kid, everybody wants to talk to me.
00:41:05I really can't be bothered.
00:41:06Can't you see I'm busy, huh?
00:41:07The accountants are coming first thing in the morning.
00:41:09I've got to get these books, Doctor, to feed it, will you?
00:41:11Wait a minute.
00:41:12I want to break into show business.
00:41:15All right, sit on, kid, huh?
00:41:21Look, everybody wants the business.
00:41:23They all want it.
00:41:24The lights, the glamour, the roar of the crowd.
00:41:26Look, kid, show business is a jungle.
00:41:28It's a jungle out there that'll tear you apart.
00:41:30I'm going to stay right here until I get to show you my act.
00:41:33You want to show me the act?
00:41:35Okay, show it to me.
00:41:36Don't take up too much of my time.
00:41:37Just show it to me, then get out.
00:41:39All right.
00:41:47Wow.
00:41:48Kid, that sound's coming where I think it's coming from.
00:42:03This is the greatest new act I've ever seen in my entire life.
00:42:06It'll make you, us, a fortune.
00:42:08Stay right where you are.
00:42:10Don't move a muscle.
00:42:11This is Lou Lassfinger.
00:42:16Get me the head of the Morris Agency and hurry.
00:42:25Yeah, hello.
00:42:27Joe, Lou Lassfinger.
00:42:28I hate to wake up at this time, but you're just not going to believe it.
00:42:31I found the greatest new act in show business.
00:42:33It'll make millions.
00:42:34It's a class act.
00:42:35I can't believe it.
00:42:36It's coast-to-coast television, performances in England, London, it's unbelievable, all over the world.
00:42:42Well, sounds great.
00:42:44What is it?
00:42:45Well, it's hard to explain to you.
00:42:47You'll have to hear it.
00:42:49Come on over, kid.
00:42:50This could be your big chance.
00:42:53Just give me about eight bars, baby.
00:42:54Joe, how'd you like it?
00:43:09Great, wasn't it?
00:43:11Why, you dumb son of a bitch!
00:43:13You mean you wake me up in the middle of the morning just to hear some asshole play Swanee River?
00:43:18Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Lamedo Theatre, where tonight, Omar the Magnificent, one of the world's great lovers, will fuck 100 girls consecutively for your screwing enjoyment.
00:43:44Hey, listen to that crowd.
00:43:48Just listen to them, kid.
00:43:49This is the big time, and it's all for you, Omar, baby.
00:43:52You realize there's 5,000 screaming women out there to pay 10 bucks a piece?
00:43:56You know how much money that is, kid?
00:43:5750,000 clams, and it all belongs to you and me.
00:44:00I told you I'd put you on top, kid.
00:44:02You know what I mean?
00:44:03Just remember, watch your timing.
00:44:04Don't knock yourself out during the preliminary.
00:44:07It's in, out, and 80-0.
00:44:09Short, quick, stroke.
00:44:10You got it, baby?
00:44:11Good.
00:44:12Well, fuck fans, this is the evening we've all waited for.
00:44:16The judges are carefully going over tonight's ground rules as the officials arrive onto our stage.
00:44:23At bedside, the referee...
00:44:26All right, everybody, get out of here.
00:44:28Come on, move it.
00:44:38Come on, kid.
00:44:39Come on.
00:44:39Who am I, kid?
00:44:40What's my name, kid?
00:44:41What's my name?
00:44:42Slashfinger.
00:44:44What happened?
00:44:45What happened?
00:44:46What do you mean, what happened, you big, dumb faggot?
00:44:48You passed out dead away.
00:44:49That's what happened.
00:44:50You blew 50,000 bucks, you creep.
00:44:52Those dames out there paid 10 bucks a puff to watch you ball 100 brugs.
00:44:56And what do you do?
00:44:57You screw 64 of them, and then you pass out.
00:44:59What the hell's wrong with you?
00:45:02I don't understand how this could have happened.
00:45:04I did all right this afternoon in rehearsal.
00:45:07Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
00:45:15Your applause is deeply appreciated.
00:45:17Now, as you know, any ventriloquist can make a dummy talk, but believe it or not, the star of this here county fair, me, will make these animals talk on my next show.
00:45:26So, one by one, believe it or not, these animals will talk.
00:45:30So, you all come back in half an hour for the next show, and I promise you that you will hear these animals say things that you only want to hear them say.
00:45:37So, you all come back now and have a good time around the fair.
00:45:39Thank you, thank you very much.
00:45:48Say, Mr. Venturaquist.
00:45:50Yes, my good man, what can I do for you?
00:45:54Can you really make all them animals talk?
00:45:57Absolutely, and most definitely.
00:46:02If that sheep on the end say anything about me, it's a damn lie.
00:46:09Honey, I was at the doctor today, and he said I had a beautiful body.
00:46:19Yeah?
00:46:20Well, did he say anything about your fat ass?
00:46:23No.
00:46:24Your name was never mentioned.
00:46:27Darling, look what I got you for your birthday.
00:46:35Okay, where is he?
00:46:39Please, I haven't finished voting yet.
00:46:48Cleanliness is next to godliness?
00:47:03William Shakespeare?
00:47:06Fuck you, Lenny Bruce.
00:47:10Hey, Joe.
00:47:11Hmm?
00:47:11You like of the women with the big breasts, huh?
00:47:15No.
00:47:16You like of women with the big ass, huh?
00:47:19No.
00:47:19You like of the women with the big openers?
00:47:22No.
00:47:24Then how come you've been screwing my wife?
00:47:26Don't have much time.
00:47:41Got a big party coming here in 15 minutes, and my wife's going to be here at 3.30.
00:47:45For God's sake, hurry up.
00:47:46Uh, no, we haven't, Pops.
00:47:50Well, if you do, you might as well bang her, but she's all paid for.
00:47:53Let's go.
00:48:05Let's go.
00:48:07I don't get it.
00:48:12I don't get to know.
00:48:13The way I came to the society is all are ugly and shit.
00:48:15I won't get your kids out and talk to kids.
00:48:17And they are ugly and white.
00:48:19I got a big office and stuff for you.
00:48:20Someone told me, what?
00:48:20I'm terribly sorry, old man, but I shall insist that you back up.
00:48:24You see, the occupant of this limousine is none other than Lady Epworth Tarkington Price,
00:48:29the Duchess of Kenworth, sister to the Baroness DeMarco,
00:48:33a member of Her Royal Majesty the Queen's first Privy Council,
00:48:37third cousin to Sir Archibald Farnsworth, the Duke of Tuscany,
00:48:41and sixth in succession to the crown of Edward IV.
00:48:50What do you think I have in here, a bag of shit?
00:48:56Peaches! Peaches! Peaches! Peaches!
00:49:04Hey, Mr. Peddler, come up here a minute.
00:49:08I've got some business I want to discuss with you.
00:49:11I've been watching you push your cart down the street,
00:49:20and I must say, you arouse a desire in me.
00:49:23I tell you what, if you could take me into the bedroom
00:49:27and sexually satisfy me, I'll give you this brand new $5 bill.
00:49:34What do you say?
00:49:35Why not? Business is business.
00:49:52Peaches! Pears! Forking! Peaches! Pears! Forking!
00:50:04Hey, cats and kitties, it's Big Al.
00:50:06That's right, Big Al right here on Groovy Radio, KCOK,
00:50:09Kaycock on Far Out Channel 69.
00:50:11And right now, let's get it on with that new superstar dynamite Hebrew band,
00:50:14The Four Skins, rock and roll!
00:50:16Yay!
00:50:19I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of waiting around for Big Al.
00:50:23That creep will never show!
00:50:25Don't call it Big Al and creep!
00:50:27He's my most favorite disc jockey in the whole world!
00:50:30I love Big Al! And I'll wait here for him forever!
00:50:33Well, not me! I'm leaving! Call me tomorrow!
00:50:45No! No! Big Al!
00:50:49Big Al!
00:50:51Big Al!
00:50:53I love you, Big Al! I love you!
00:50:55You're my most favorite DJ in the whole world!
00:50:58I love you, Big Al! I love you!
00:51:00Of course you do, sweetheart!
00:51:01I listen to your show every day! I've never missed it!
00:51:04Oh! Oh, Big Al! I love you! I love you!
00:51:08That's right, darling!
00:51:09I'll do anything in the world for you, Big Al! Anything!
00:51:12Of course you will!
00:51:15Anything?
00:51:16Anything! Anything, Big Al! You name it!
00:51:18I just can't believe that I'm really here! I can't believe that I'm really sitting next to Big Al!
00:51:31You want to make Big Al happy, don't you, dear?
00:51:33Oh, yes, Big Al! Anything! Anything!
00:51:42Now, you know what to do with this, don't you, dear?
00:51:44Oh, you bet I do, Big Al!
00:51:49Hi! My name's Cindy, and I'd like to dedicate this next record to all my friends down at Chris's Mall Shop!
00:51:55And Jamie and Susie and my boyfriend, Joe...
00:52:04And now, ladies and gentlemen, the star of tonight's show, Mr. Pat McCormick!
00:52:14On behalf of the World Society of Sexual Arts and Science, I would like to welcome you on this momentous occasion.
00:52:25As you know, these coveted awards are presented in recognition of those outstanding individuals
00:52:31who throughout the past year have brought honor, dignity, and respectability to the wonderful world of sex.
00:52:39Just so, before this night is over, each one of these gold dildes will rest in the hands of those few deserving people
00:52:53who were carefully selected by our distinguished Board of Judges.
00:53:03Now, the Watergate Security Systems have tabulated the ballots and sealed the results in special envelopes.
00:53:10And here to represent that firm tonight is Mr. Lionel Travers.
00:53:15The first award of the evening is probably one of the most important and sought-after honors of the night.
00:53:31Mainly because of the high standards required in the areas of stamina, enthusiasm, courage, and, of course, attitude.
00:53:41The nominees for Best Lay of the Year are
00:53:48Faith Carruthers, Tucson, Arizona
00:53:53Margaret Miller, 29 Palms
00:53:57Irene Randall, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
00:54:01Helen Duvall, Skokie, Illinois
00:54:04Sheila Kramer, Racine, Wisconsin
00:54:06The envelope, please.
00:54:07And the winner is Irene Randall.
00:54:17Thank you, thank you, everybody, so much.
00:54:20This is the happiest night of my whole life.
00:54:21I mean, it's so hard to believe that I'm even here at all tonight.
00:54:31Two years ago, after my accident, they said I'd never fuck again.
00:54:35But with the help of so many generous and wonderful people, I was able to get back on my back. I'd like to thank them. My mom and my dad.
00:54:45I also want to thank the Flying Zambini Brothers, and the 23rd Armored Division of Fort Knox, Kentucky, the Michigan State Marching Band, and all those wonderful, wonderful guys who never left their names.
00:54:59Thank you. Love you.
00:55:17Love you.
00:55:18The winner of the best solo performance of the year, a man who personally will attend the John Wayne Vasectomy next month, Mr. Junior Lohman.
00:55:42Great job. I know it must have been hard for you. Here you are, Junior.
00:55:52Well, the moment we've all waited for is now at hand. The Inner Species Award.
00:55:59It is given to the deserving couple who have shown the most compatibility and responsiveness to each other during the past year.
00:56:09Now, please watch the monitors. The nominees are Elmer Brown and Clarabelle, New York City.
00:56:20Linda Wayne and Rex, Encino, California.
00:56:26Gordon Lamont and Morningstar, Key Biscayne, Florida.
00:56:31And the winner? The winner is... Elmer and Clarabelle!
00:56:44Congratulations to the two of you. Elmer, congratulations, quarterback and congratulations.
00:57:02Wonderful couple. Let's hear it for this wonderful couple.
00:57:05I think the cow is from Ohio. He's got a little O under his tail.
00:57:09Uh, I also have another surprise for you, Elmer. The mayor of this city has given your wife permission to shit in the street.
00:57:18And now, the award for the best dramatic performance for male or female in a bedroom situation.
00:57:25And the nominees are...
00:57:29Miss Roberta Kenyon. I'm saving it for my wedding night.
00:57:34Denver, Colorado.
00:57:36Mr. Harrison Marks. Do it to me, and I promise I'll do it to you.
00:57:41Beverly Hills, California.
00:57:44Mrs. Marcia Kaplan. Not tonight, Harry. I've got a headache.
00:57:49Oak Park, Michigan.
00:57:51Mr. Mark Sterling. All I want to do is touch it.
00:57:57Eugene, Oregon.
00:57:59Miss Charity LaRue. I'm not that kind of a girl.
00:58:04Lake Placid, New York.
00:58:06Montague Corrigan. I'll only put it in a little bit.
00:58:11Palm Springs, California.
00:58:13Envelope, please.
00:58:15The winner is Montague Corrigan.
00:58:18The winner is Montague Corrigan.
00:58:21I'll only put it in a little bit.
00:58:22高低aco.
00:58:23The winner is Montague Corrigan.
00:58:28The winner is Montague Corrigan.
00:58:33New York Scream Advertising.
00:58:35Lot of compliments.
00:58:38芙ica.
01:00:09As we come to the climax of tonight's festivities, it gives me intense pride and pleasure to introduce the star of stage, screen, radio, and television,
01:00:23a man who will sing the song of the year, Mr. Keith Brazell.
01:00:43In all of life, there are some fleeting moments.
01:00:56Love is one of those that we can share.
01:01:02Banish all your woes and all your heartaches.
01:01:10Be happy with the ones for whom you care.
01:01:18Money will never answer all your problems.
01:01:27Happiness is just a state of mind.
01:01:34Only friends will stick when there are troubles.
01:01:41When they need help, try only to be kind.
01:01:54Don't fuck around with love, baby.
01:02:03Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:06Even Adam had it from the starting of time.
01:02:09The apple was delicious, but it tasted like lime.
01:02:12Remember?
01:02:13Don't fuck around with love, baby.
01:02:16Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:18Noah had a ball just sailing his art.
01:02:21He was known for never missing his mark.
01:02:24Matthew had a lover and his name was Clark.
01:02:27Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:29Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:02:32Don't fuck around with love, baby.
01:02:35Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:37Samson and Delilah had a great affair.
01:02:40Once he did her wrong, she cut off his hair.
01:02:43So don't fuck around with love, baby.
01:02:47Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:49Birds, trees, and flowers bloom in the spring.
01:02:52The newest bat and pounders that everyone swings.
01:02:56Do it more than twice, baby.
01:02:58You are the king.
01:02:59Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:01Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:03:22Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:24You are the king of South America.
01:03:26Don't come up at all.
01:03:28You are PM.
01:03:29Don't fuck around with love, baby.
01:03:30Don't fuck off aç to the Who your grandfather is and then mash to do it.
01:03:31Don't fuck around with love, baby.
01:03:32Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:33Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:34Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:35Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:36Don't nack to bear our way.
01:03:38Don't fuck around with love isn'te.
01:03:40.
01:03:41Than valle ought to destroy.
01:03:43They will want a new friend that you ever came from before.
01:03:45We will want a nack to take about what show.
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