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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert - Season 11 Episode 39 -
Ted Danson, Alison Roman
Ted Danson, Alison Roman
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00:00to release all of the Epstein files.
00:02Reversing his previous position,
00:04President Trump encouraged House Republicans
00:06to vote in favor of it
00:07and says he will sign the bill if it passes the Senate.
00:12The Late Show salutes American heroes.
00:15Tonight, House Republicans
00:17for voting to release the Jeffrey Epstein files.
00:21These courageous congresspeople risked everything
00:24and somehow found the grit to vote for truth and transparency.
00:28Bravely standing up against this notorious pedophile.
00:32Once they got permission from the pedophile's best friend.
00:35Oh, wow, that's me.
00:37It's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
00:42Tonight, file an hour.
00:46Plus, Stephen welcomes Ted Danson
00:50and Chef Allison Romer.
00:53Featuring Louis Cato and the Late Show fam.
01:00And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater
01:04in New York City,
01:06it's Stephen Colbert.
01:07Hello.
01:11Hello.
01:13Hey, friends.
01:14Hey.
01:18Hello, friends.
01:22Hello.
01:22Hello.
01:25Hello.
01:27Bigger.
01:28Very kind.
01:31Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
01:32Welcome all to The Late Show.
01:36Wonderful to have you all here.
01:41I am your host, Stephen Colbert.
01:43Now, ladies and gentlemen...
01:44I feel good coming out here today.
01:49When it comes to Congress,
01:51it's increasingly rare that things happen.
01:55And today, something did.
01:59This afternoon, the House voted to release the Epstein files.
02:02That is the reaction of people who are not in the files.
02:16I'm guessing.
02:18I'm guessing.
02:19In fact, it passed overwhelmingly 427 to 1.
02:24Wow.
02:25Wait.
02:25Wait.
02:25Hold on.
02:26Wait.
02:26To 1?
02:28Who is the one vote to keep them secret?
02:31Do we have a picture of the guy who voted against it?
02:36Wonder who that was.
02:37Who was that?
02:38I don't know.
02:40Of course, the vote doesn't mean the Epstein files
02:41will be released right away.
02:43The bill now has to go to the Senate,
02:45where it may be amended.
02:47And if it's passed there and amended,
02:48it would have to go back to the House,
02:49where it has to cross over a river,
02:51and under the bridge is a troll.
02:52And to get by the troll,
02:54you have to answer his riddle,
02:56what walks on two cankles in the morning
02:58rides a golf cart in the afternoon
03:02and is totally in the Epstein files.
03:08Then again, it might be way simpler than that,
03:11because as of this taping,
03:12this is still happening?
03:14As of this taping,
03:15since the vote was so huge and overwhelming in the House,
03:18the Senate may vote on the Epstein files tonight.
03:21So...
03:22Soon.
03:27Soon.
03:28I mean, tomorrow we might know everything
03:30he and his pervert buddies did,
03:32meaning it's Epstein rockin' Eve.
03:35Stay up.
03:36Stay up for a ball drop.
03:38You're gonna wanna miss.
03:42This...
03:43Yeah, I agree.
03:43I agree.
03:44This is a dramatic legislative turnaround.
03:47And a huge loss for Trump, make no mistake.
03:49For going on four months now,
03:51Trump and Speaker Mike Johnson
03:52fought the release of the Epstein files
03:54with every congressional tool they had.
03:57And keep in mind,
03:58Congress is loaded with some major tools.
04:02But...
04:02But it looked like Republicans were defecting en masse
04:05and they were gonna lose big.
04:07They were suddenly all in.
04:08Like...
04:09Like they always were.
04:10Right, Mike?
04:10Republicans support maximum transparency.
04:15We always have.
04:15The president of the United States
04:17supports maximum transparency.
04:20Yes, the president
04:21has always supported maximum transparency.
04:25A healthy diet of leafy greens
04:26and...
04:27The understated androgynous sensuality
04:30of a flat-chested woman.
04:32He, uh...
04:32The president would be here.
04:34He can't talk right now
04:35because he's jogging to Bible study.
04:39Put that over there.
04:41Have you moved the podium over there?
04:44Trump has clearly just...
04:45He's just giving up the fight.
04:47Here's what he said
04:48at a press conference yesterday.
04:50I'm for...
04:51Any...
04:52I don't care.
04:52They can do whatever they want.
04:54So I'll give them everything.
04:56Sure I would.
04:57Yes.
04:58When it comes to anything to do with Epstein,
05:00he'll always sign
05:01right on the dotted pube.
05:04Now,
05:05you might notice.
05:07You might notice.
05:09Really?
05:10I don't know.
05:11How are you doing?
05:13All right?
05:13You guys okay over there?
05:14All right.
05:15Everybody okay over there?
05:16All right.
05:17Now, you might notice
05:18that Trump's voice
05:18is a little raspy there.
05:19One of the reporters
05:20asked him about it.
05:22The health of the president
05:23is always needed.
05:23Your voice sounds a little rough.
05:24Are you feeling all right?
05:25I feel great.
05:26I was shouting at people
05:28because they were stupid
05:30about something
05:31having to do with
05:32trade and a country
05:35and I straightened it out.
05:36But I blew my stack
05:38at these people.
05:42Sir.
05:48I want to put this delicately,
05:50but if you want us
05:51to stop talking
05:52about the Epstein emails,
05:53I wouldn't use the phrase
05:54I blew anything.
05:56Trump also, okay?
06:02I'm just trying to help.
06:03I'm just trying to help.
06:06Trump also talked about
06:07how he sicked the DOJ
06:09on Democrats
06:10who knew Epstein.
06:11I believe that
06:12many of the people
06:13that we,
06:14some of the people
06:15that we mentioned
06:15are being looked at
06:17very seriously
06:18for their relationship
06:20to Jeffrey Epstein.
06:21but they were with him
06:23all the time.
06:23I wasn't.
06:24I wasn't at all.
06:26No, he's right.
06:26He wasn't with Epstein
06:28all the time.
06:29Just this time
06:30and this time
06:31and this time
06:32and this time
06:34and this time.
06:36Clearly,
06:37what are they going to do?
06:41They got rented the same bike?
06:42Clearly,
06:45all the Epstein talk
06:45is getting to Trump.
06:46This weekend,
06:47he lost it
06:48at a female reporter.
06:50Is there something
06:51incriminating in the box, sir?
06:53Quiet, quiet.
06:55That is disgusting.
07:01And I'm told
07:02we have a response.
07:03Hi-ya!
07:06Yeah.
07:10Yeah!
07:13Yay!
07:16Oh, today,
07:18today was a big one
07:18at the White House
07:19because Trump got a visit
07:20from one of his dictator besties,
07:22Saudi Crown Prince
07:23Mohammed bin Salman,
07:25seen here
07:25after the photographer yelled,
07:27now do a silly one.
07:30Trump's been working overtime
07:32to make the prince
07:33feel at home,
07:34first by redecorating
07:35the Oval Office
07:36to look like the men's room
07:37at a Riyadh strip club.
07:38As a reminder,
07:40it's been seven years
07:41since MBS
07:42has been invited
07:43to the White House,
07:44possibly because
07:45months after his last visit,
07:47his agents killed
07:48and dismembered
07:49Washington Post columnist
07:50Jamal Khashoggi
07:52in Istanbul,
07:54and a U.S. intelligence assessment
07:55determined
07:56that he had probably ordered it.
07:58And because this is America,
08:00our journalists are free
08:01to ask him about it.
08:02Your Royal Highness,
08:04the U.S. intelligence
08:05concluded
08:05that you orchestrated
08:06the brutal murder
08:07of a journalist.
08:08You're mentioning somebody
08:09that was extremely controversial.
08:12A lot of people
08:12didn't like that gentleman
08:13that you're talking about.
08:15Whether you like him
08:15or didn't like him,
08:17things happened,
08:18but he knew nothing about it.
08:19And we can leave it at that.
08:20You don't have to embarrass
08:21our guest
08:21by asking a question like that.
08:23How dare you embarrass our guest?
08:25Now he's going to feel
08:26all self-conscious
08:27when he tries to chop up
08:28somebody like you.
08:30Also,
08:31Jamal Khashoggi
08:32was only controversial
08:33to the crown prince.
08:35And even if he was
08:36controversial to everybody,
08:37that doesn't excuse
08:38murdering him.
08:40The new cracker barrel logo
08:41was controversial,
08:43but nobody chopped up
08:44the old guy
08:45and the logo
08:45and stuffed his body parts
08:46in the barrel,
08:47even though it's specifically
08:49a barrel for crackers.
08:50It's been...
08:53It's been...
08:54I got a couple.
08:57You guys got a couple?
08:58I got a couple of thoughts.
09:00I got some thoughts.
09:02It's really...
09:03It's been such a tough
09:04couple of days for Trump,
09:05but yesterday,
09:06he got to do something,
09:07you know, just for him.
09:09I'm thrilled to be here
09:10with the men and the women
09:11who are really the heart and soul
09:13of one of the greatest,
09:14most admired,
09:15and most successful companies
09:16in the history of the world,
09:18frankly.
09:18the one and only
09:20McDonald's.
09:22I love you.
09:23The one and only.
09:24I love you guys
09:25because at McDonald's,
09:26they never ask me
09:27about Jeffrey Epstein.
09:29I think.
09:30It's hard to understand
09:31what they're saying
09:31through that little
09:32drive-in speaker.
09:34The event was
09:35the annual meeting
09:36of franchise owners
09:37that they call
09:37the McDonald's Impact Summit.
09:40It's the nation's
09:41second biggest
09:42corporate fast food conference
09:43right after Arby's.
09:45We have the meetings.
09:49Now, Trump bragged.
09:51He bragged a bit.
09:52Sure, Arby's.
09:53Why not?
09:55A little horsey sauce
09:57goes a long way.
09:59Trump bragged about
10:00how he's been force-feeding
10:01McDonald's
10:01to all of his MAGA buddies.
10:03You fed us very well,
10:04and I even got Bobby Kennedy
10:05to eat a Big Mac.
10:08And he told me he loved it.
10:11He didn't want that publicized.
10:13He told me he loved it.
10:14Yeah.
10:15Yeah, in fact,
10:16here's an actual picture
10:18of their McDonald's
10:19in-flight meal,
10:20and you can see
10:21just how much
10:21Bobby loved it.
10:25Bobby's never really been
10:28a drive-thru fan.
10:30He prefers drive-over food.
10:33Now, Trump spoke
10:35for almost an hour.
10:36An hour?
10:37He spoke for almost an hour,
10:38and he shouted out
10:40his menu favorites.
10:41No matter who you are,
10:43everyone loves
10:43something at McDonald's.
10:45There's always something
10:46to have.
10:48I like the fish.
10:50I like it.
10:56What is that sound?
10:59What is that?
11:01What is that sound?
11:02I don't know.
11:03What on earth
11:03was that sound?
11:05Is he...
11:05Is Donald Trump
11:07getting the fish
11:08out of the Coke
11:08freestyle machine?
11:10I got Dr. Pepper,
11:11a splash of Sprite,
11:12and ooh,
11:13Scrod.
11:18That wasn't
11:19the only noise
11:21that came out
11:21of his fillet hole.
11:24Sir.
11:24He's going like,
11:25sir.
11:27Yeah.
11:27Da-da-da-da-da-da.
11:29Skedaddle.
11:29The word skedaddle.
11:30It's always blank,
11:31blank, blank,
11:32drip, drip, water.
11:33We call it the drip, drip.
11:34We're drip, drip,
11:35bing, bing, bing.
11:38Could we get a round
11:45of MRIs for the table?
11:47Could we?
11:49I'll pay for it.
11:50I'll pay for it.
11:53One, two, three.
11:54Three arms whips.
11:57Trump continued
11:58his heartfelt McPraise.
12:00While other politicians
12:01fly around
12:02on campaign planes
12:03stocked with
12:04expensive catering,
12:06on Trump Force One
12:07prior to
12:08ascending to
12:10Air Force One,
12:11we served only
12:12McDonald's
12:12almost every time.
12:14Yes, in fact,
12:15I love McDonald's
12:16so much,
12:16I wrote you
12:17a little song.
12:18Old McDonald's
12:19makes me food,
12:19burger, shakes,
12:20and fries.
12:21And on a plane,
12:22I often lick
12:23ketchup off my ties.
12:25With a lick, lick here,
12:26a lick, lick there.
12:27Here a lick, there a lick,
12:28everywhere a lick, lick.
12:29Oh, McDonald's, I love you.
12:30Epstein killed himself.
12:33We've got a great show
12:33for you tonight.
12:35My guests are
12:36Ted Ganson
12:37and Chef Allison Roman.
12:39When you come back,
12:40I answer your kids' questions.
12:43They're adorable.
12:59Please say hello
13:11to the band, friends.
13:12Right over there.
13:14There you go.
13:14Hey, thanks.
13:18Uh, kids.
13:22They're those little people
13:23hiding behind the iPads
13:25at the dinner table.
13:27One thing we know
13:27about kids
13:28is they ask a lot
13:29of questions.
13:29And that's why
13:30I created a segment
13:31on the show here
13:32where I give parents
13:32a break
13:33by answering real questions
13:35from real kids.
13:36We have had some trouble
13:37naming this segment
13:38in the past.
13:39First, we called it
13:40Stephen Takes Your Kids.
13:41Not a great title.
13:44And none of the others
13:45we tried were much better.
13:46So I just asked our writers
13:48to come up
13:48with a little title
13:49that parents, uh,
13:51can understand.
13:52Means I'm gonna take, uh,
13:54their kids to babysit
13:55while they take a break.
13:57So it's time for...
13:59Stephen Colbert
14:01sits on your baby!
14:05So you're choosing
14:06to do this to me?
14:08It's a common phrase.
14:09There's no way you didn't...
14:10Hey, kids.
14:12Who's got a question for me?
14:13Why is standard paper
14:15eight and a half
14:16by eleven inches?
14:18Well, Emelyn,
14:19that's because paper
14:20is named after
14:21Joseph T. Paper,
14:23who was eight and a half
14:23inches tall
14:24by eleven inches wide.
14:26Sadly, he passed away
14:27when he got into a fight
14:28and somebody
14:29three-hole punched him.
14:31Who's next?
14:32What?
14:33Ow.
14:34Yeah.
14:35Favorite princess,
14:37Stephen.
14:39Thanks for that question, Maggie.
14:41I'd say my favorite princess
14:43is probably Boudicca,
14:45ruler of the Iceni,
14:46a Celtic warrior
14:47who raised an army
14:48to fight against
14:49the Roman invasion
14:50of the British Isles
14:50in roughly 60 A.D.
14:52Now, it's estimated
14:53that Boudicca's army
14:54killed 70,000 Romans,
14:57making her a symbol
14:57of resistance
14:58and a national icon.
15:00So I would definitely
15:00say Boudicca.
15:02Or maybe Elsa.
15:03Her hair's so pretty.
15:05Who's got another question?
15:07What makes me talk?
15:10Well, Cassidy,
15:11I don't know about you,
15:12but the way to make me talk
15:14is to pull the string
15:15in my back
15:15that activates
15:16one of my pre-recorded
15:17catchphrases.
15:19Give it up for Louis Cato
15:20and the Late Show Band.
15:24Next question.
15:26Mr. Colbert,
15:27how do whales
15:28brush their teeth?
15:29Great question, Jonah.
15:31Wait.
15:32Jonah,
15:33are you by any chance
15:34inside of a whale
15:35right now?
15:36If so,
15:37you're in a great position
15:38to brush its teeth
15:39from the inside.
15:40Then at the end,
15:41when it spits out
15:41the toothpaste,
15:42you can finally escape.
15:44Trust me.
15:45It's in the Bible.
15:47Who's next?
15:48How do you know
15:49so many famous people?
15:52Good question.
15:53But to really answer that,
15:54you'd have to ask
15:55my close personal friend,
15:56Charlie XCX.
15:58Charlie?
15:58Well, Lilia,
15:59Steven knows a lot
16:00of famous people
16:01because every time
16:02he sees one at a party,
16:04he corners them
16:04and won't stop talking
16:06until they agree
16:06to exchange numbers
16:07with him.
16:08Then he puts them
16:09all on a massive group chat
16:11and won't stop texting
16:12because he's what we call
16:14a social climber.
16:16Yep.
16:17In again.
16:18Steven,
16:19stop sending Shrek memes.
16:22Oh, Charlie XCX,
16:24you're so funny
16:25and are my friend.
16:28Next question.
16:29What's at the end
16:30of the universe?
16:31Well, Alex,
16:32nobody knows for sure,
16:33but one of the leading
16:35scientific theories
16:36is that the universe
16:37will expand exponentially
16:38until all matter
16:40and energy
16:41is uniformly distributed
16:42and we reach something
16:43called maximum entropy.
16:46Over a span of hundreds
16:47of trillions of years,
16:48all heat will vanish
16:49from the universe
16:50and all the stars
16:52will disappear.
16:53Except, of course,
16:54for Paul Rudd,
16:55whose hotness
16:56is immune to time.
16:58Next question.
16:59How do you fart?
17:00I hate to brag, Jack,
17:02but the way I fart
17:03is silent, odorless,
17:05and basically undetectable.
17:11Basically.
17:14Next question.
17:15Steven,
17:16how do you know
17:17if you have cooties
17:18and what are they?
17:19Important question, Thurston.
17:21You know you have cooties
17:23because there'll be
17:23some subtle signs.
17:24For instance.
17:28Breaking news.
17:29We have just learned
17:30that Stephen Colbert
17:31has cooties.
17:33Cooties, of course,
17:34are a combination
17:35of bug slash disease
17:36that result
17:37in an incurable condition
17:38medical professionals
17:39refer to as
17:41permanently gross.
17:42No word yet
17:43on how Stephen
17:44contracted cooties,
17:45though there are
17:46unconfirmed reports
17:47that at one point
17:48he may have kissed
17:49a girl.
17:50Sources say
17:51he liked it.
17:52Back to you, Stephen.
17:53Thank you for that
17:54report, Anderson.
17:56Well, kids,
17:56I hope that answers
17:57all your questions.
17:58And parents,
17:59if your kids
17:59have questions at home,
18:01please post a video
18:01to social media
18:02with the hashtag
18:03Colbert Kid Questions
18:04or submit a video
18:06at the link below
18:07and we just might
18:08feature it
18:09in our next installment
18:10of
18:10Stephen Colbert
18:12Sits
18:13on Your Baby.
18:16Thank you to
18:16Charlie XCX
18:17and to Anderson Cooper.
18:19We'll be right back
18:20with Ted Dancer.
18:23Welcome back to the show,
18:37everybody.
18:38Ladies and gentlemen,
18:39laid back tonight.
18:41Ladies and gentlemen,
18:42my first guest this evening
18:43is an Emmy-winning actor
18:45and activist.
18:46You know best from Cheers,
18:47Curb Your Enthusiasm,
18:49and The Good Place.
18:50He currently stars in
18:51A Man on the Inside.
18:53Oh, hey.
18:54I was just thinking
18:56about you.
18:57Really?
18:57Neat.
18:58Because I was also
18:59thinking about you.
19:01Want to grab some lunch?
19:03That would be lovely.
19:04Perfect.
19:05Let's do it.
19:06Let's get some lunch.
19:07Actually, I can.
19:08Whoa.
19:08Getting real mixed signals here.
19:11I forgot.
19:12I'm meeting a friend.
19:14A stupid friend.
19:15A stupid friend.
19:15They ruin everything.
19:16Just go have a lovely time
19:18with your friend
19:19and you know
19:20where to find me, okay?
19:25Okay.
19:29Thank you for kissing me.
19:32Please welcome
19:33Ted Danson.
19:34Come on, Al.
19:59There you go.
20:01Nice to see you again.
20:10Nice to see you too.
20:12Yeah, Emmy night or something.
20:13Yeah, we ran into each other
20:14at a party at Chateau Marmont.
20:17That's how fancy we are.
20:18It's very cool to meet you
20:19and even cooler to meet your wife.
20:22Oh, yeah.
20:22Evie's much cooler.
20:23Rock and roll.
20:24You have been so successful
20:28for so long.
20:29Look at all the shows
20:29that people have loved you in.
20:30Cheers, CSI, Bored to Death,
20:32Curb Your Enthusiasm,
20:34The Good Place,
20:35and now A Man on the Inside.
20:37I do like to ask
20:38about the early years
20:40of struggle, though,
20:41because especially when someone
20:42has been so long
20:43since the struggle,
20:44I'm just curious,
20:45what did success,
20:46like making it,
20:49what was your standard
20:50when you knew like,
20:50okay, something's happening for me?
20:53Here's what I know
20:54my life is working.
20:57Clean underwear
20:58and socks that match.
21:01Socks that match.
21:03Then I know.
21:06Yeah.
21:07Were you just doing
21:08your laundry more frequently
21:09or were you buying
21:11fresh socks every so often?
21:13I should have left
21:13clean underwear out of that.
21:14Just had gone with match socks.
21:17Always clean underwear.
21:18Because clean underwear
21:19implies a much darker story
21:22from the earlier part
21:24of your life.
21:25Yeah.
21:26You have said
21:27that you want to know
21:28what it's like
21:28to be funny at every age.
21:29Yep.
21:29You want to just keep working
21:31for as long as you can.
21:32Yep.
21:32You are now 77 years old.
21:34What is...
21:35What is...
21:37Double lucky.
21:39Very sexy.
21:40It's very sexy.
21:40Well, it's very lucky.
21:4177.
21:42Yes, that means you did something...
21:44Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
21:45Wow.
21:46Wow.
21:46Yeah, well, that's what I...
21:47That's why they gave me this job.
21:49Temporarily.
21:52Now, I'm just curious.
21:54What's funny about 77?
21:58I love pratfalls
22:00and physical comedies,
22:01so anytime I can be physically funny.
22:04But here's what has become funny.
22:06My...
22:06It's not that I'm trying, either.
22:09My run has become funny.
22:11It's more of a scurry
22:14that's close to the ground
22:17in case I fall.
22:18It won't hurt so much.
22:20And it's funny.
22:20Now, is that because you're 77
22:22or because you've been comedy running
22:24for so long
22:24that you can no longer remember
22:26what real running is like?
22:27Because my wife, Evie,
22:29blames...
22:29She says,
22:30you...
22:31When you go to run someplace fast,
22:32you do this thing at the beginning
22:34that is no human does.
22:36I do this.
22:37I do this.
22:37She goes, we got to go.
22:38I go...
22:39And then I run.
22:39And she goes,
22:42why do you do the thing first?
22:45And she goes,
22:46no one does that.
22:48A couple of years ago,
22:49I started doing fake trips.
22:51Oh, yeah, yeah.
22:52So that I could do it
22:53and then go,
22:53I'm just kidding.
22:55Now,
22:55they've blended into real trips,
22:58but I can still go,
22:59just kidding.
22:59Exactly.
23:00You pawn it off.
23:01That's nice.
23:02Okay, season two
23:03of the new show,
23:05A Man in the Inside,
23:06premieres this week.
23:07You play a retiree
23:10who goes undercover
23:11for a local private investigator.
23:14Based on a true story.
23:15That's what I understand.
23:15A documentary out of Chile.
23:17Yeah, Santiago, Chile.
23:19Sergio was this 82-year-old man
23:21who had shut down
23:22because his wife had died
23:23the year before
23:25and he was getting
23:25more and more isolated
23:27and he randomly picked an ad
23:29saying,
23:30very funny, actually,
23:31a gentleman from 75 to 85,
23:34good with technology.
23:35And they put him
23:38into a retirement home
23:40to see, you know,
23:41if something bad was happening.
23:42Turns out it wasn't.
23:43But it was so sweet,
23:44so gently funny
23:45and full of heart
23:46and dealt with
23:48some of the hard stuff
23:49with aging.
23:51And we solved the crime
23:52last year
23:53and so we've moved on
23:54to a liberal arts college
23:56where there's a mystery
23:57happening,
23:58a crime,
23:59which is kind of cool
24:00because Mike Schur
24:02is really good
24:02at finding things
24:04in society
24:04or knowing
24:06that they're coming.
24:06I don't know how he did it
24:07because he's been planning
24:08this for two or three years.
24:10But liberal arts colleges
24:12are kind of under attack
24:13nowadays
24:14and so there's a celebration
24:15of liberal arts
24:16in the midst
24:17of this mystery.
24:18And the other thing
24:19is second chances.
24:21Do you get to fall
24:21in love again
24:22if you've lost
24:23the love of your life?
24:24And I get to play that out
24:27with my wife, Mary.
24:28I know.
24:28That is extraordinary
24:29because
24:30not only are you playing,
24:35not only are you playing,
24:36you know,
24:36a chance to fall in love
24:38a second time,
24:39but you get to fall in love
24:40all over again
24:40with somebody
24:41you already fell in love with.
24:42Yes.
24:42What is that like
24:43to like show up on set
24:44with this woman
24:45you fell in love with
24:4630 years ago
24:47to then re-fall in love
24:49with her?
24:49Do you have any,
24:51do you plan ahead of time?
24:54No.
24:54No?
24:55No.
24:56The actor in us,
24:58you learn your lines
24:59and then you show up
25:01and you do the circumstances
25:04and all of that,
25:05but you want to try
25:06to be real in the moment
25:07and present
25:08and all of that
25:09like you and I are right now.
25:12Right.
25:13I'm like,
25:14I'm falling right into
25:15those baby blues right there.
25:18I feel like Diane.
25:21But with Mary,
25:22I hate love scenes.
25:23I hate love scenes
25:24with other people.
25:25Like making love
25:26or just love?
25:27No, just love scenes
25:28and I never made love on,
25:29they never paid me
25:30to be sexy.
25:32You've never made love
25:33on camera?
25:34I kissed.
25:35Oh, okay.
25:35But no,
25:37I was the guy
25:37who made good jokes
25:39about sex
25:39but not actually.
25:40Okay.
25:41Keep your shirt on,
25:42keep your shirt on,
25:42Ted, please.
25:44But with Mary,
25:45she loves me,
25:46I love her
25:47and I can throw myself
25:48into it
25:49because there's no guilt.
25:51Because if it's a stranger,
25:52it's like,
25:53oh, this is wrong
25:54or is it nice?
25:55No, no, it's wrong.
25:56It's wrong.
25:57You know,
25:57so it's weird.
25:58I mean, listen,
25:59I acted a bit
26:00when I was younger
26:00but I never had,
26:01I never, I guess,
26:02no one ever wrote me
26:03a love scene.
26:04And so there's a little guilt
26:06involved with like
26:07giving yourself
26:08over to the attraction
26:10to another woman.
26:11So you hold yourself back
26:12but I got to not
26:14hold myself back
26:14and fall madly
26:16in love with my wife.
26:17And that's pleasant.
26:18We have to take
26:19a quick break
26:19but don't go away
26:20but we'll be right back
26:21with more Ted Danson,
26:22everybody.
26:30Hey, everybody.
26:36We're here with
26:37the lovely and talented
26:38Mr. Ted Danson.
26:41Emmy night
26:42when we met
26:43at that party afterwards,
26:44you and Mary
26:44had been honored
26:45that evening
26:46with the Bob Hope
26:47Humanitarian Award.
26:48It was a lovely evening.
26:50You guys gave
26:50a lovely speech.
26:51People said lovely things
26:52about you.
26:53I'm just curious,
26:54where did you learn
26:55your sense of humanitarianism,
26:57your sense of service
26:58for other people?
26:59That's a big thing,
27:00title.
27:01I end up feeling like...
27:02Saint?
27:03Is Saint easier?
27:03Yeah.
27:03That's kind of a given.
27:07Great.
27:09One of my kids
27:10went to a psychic one day
27:11and the psychic said,
27:12you know,
27:13your father walked with Jesus
27:14and she made the mistake
27:16of telling me that.
27:19And you throw that
27:20back in your kid's face?
27:21Here's my image
27:22of that moment.
27:22Fellas, wait up.
27:23It's me, Ted.
27:26And Jesus is like,
27:27oh, it's Ted again.
27:29We already have 12.
27:30I'll let you know
27:31if somebody dies.
27:32My father was an archaeologist.
27:37He, yeah, it was cool.
27:39That's fun.
27:40It is fun.
27:40Academic?
27:41Like, was he teaching?
27:41He was a professor,
27:43then he was out in the field
27:44and he was digging
27:45and, you know,
27:46the whole thing.
27:47And you see civilizations
27:48going way back.
27:49So what I got from him,
27:51and he actually said
27:52these words,
27:53but it kind of absorbed it,
27:55was this life,
27:56this time right now
27:57is not just about you.
27:59It's about, you know,
28:00the stewardship
28:02of what you've been given.
28:03And that kind of soaked in.
28:05And so when something came up,
28:07for me it was fighting
28:08offshore oil drilling
28:09in California,
28:10and I met this environmental lawyer,
28:13became friends,
28:13and we kicked their butts
28:15and won.
28:16And you start finding people
28:18and organizations
28:19that you enjoy
28:21who are doing good work
28:23and you support them,
28:24you know?
28:25You got arrested
28:26a few years back
28:27with Jane Fonda right there.
28:28Was that your first arrest?
28:31Protesting,
28:31it was climate action.
28:33Protests.
28:35She's, yeah,
28:35she's definitely
28:36one of my heroes in life.
28:38Truly.
28:39That is,
28:40that's called
28:40the champagne of arrests.
28:42I have a kind of
28:45a bad shoulder
28:46and they came out
28:47and said,
28:47Mr. Danson,
28:48if you don't leave now,
28:49we're going to have to cuff you
28:49and take you to jail.
28:51And I said,
28:52okay,
28:52can you cuff me in the front?
28:55My shoulder hurts.
28:56You know?
28:57Yes,
28:58Mr. Danson,
28:58of course.
28:59So,
29:00champagne
29:00has nothing to do
29:02with real arrests.
29:03Did you get,
29:04did you mix it up
29:05when you were young?
29:06Like,
29:06were you active
29:08and rebellious?
29:08No.
29:09At protests?
29:09As young?
29:10We were stupid
29:12once or twice.
29:14It's a fine line.
29:15We,
29:15we lived in this
29:16beautiful Flagstaff area,
29:18just gorgeous,
29:19you know,
29:19countryside.
29:20And there were,
29:21it was a period
29:22where there were billboards
29:23one after another.
29:24And so we decided
29:25with the help
29:26of a geologist
29:26that was working there,
29:28we'd go out at midnight
29:29and we'd cut them down.
29:31Boom.
29:31You cut down
29:32all the billboards?
29:33Boom.
29:33Yes.
29:34To restore the view
29:35or something?
29:35Yes.
29:36To,
29:36you know,
29:36protest,
29:37you know,
29:37stupid.
29:38Like I said,
29:38stupid,
29:39but here's how stupid.
29:40We cut down
29:41every sign
29:42except the sign
29:42for my father's museum.
29:47Aha!
29:49Boy,
29:50he kicked our butts.
29:52He was not a happy man.
29:53Ah!
29:54You're also hosting
29:55a podcast
29:56where everybody
29:57knows your name.
29:58Hosted by
29:59Ted Danson
29:59and Woody Harrelson
30:00sometimes.
30:03Here you are
30:04back in,
30:05back in the day,
30:07right there.
30:08Yeah.
30:08Yeah.
30:08Who?
30:12Yes?
30:13Did you have something
30:14you wanted to?
30:15Everybody,
30:15literally everything
30:16we tried to do
30:17to beat Woody
30:18at anything,
30:19he kicked our butts.
30:21You're a big guy,
30:21you never beat him
30:22at arm wrestling?
30:23Nothing.
30:24Basketball,
30:24nothing.
30:25Pool,
30:26chess.
30:28No,
30:28he's one of my
30:30best friends
30:31and what a wonderfully
30:32odd duck.
30:33Well,
30:33just the two of you
30:34hanging is worth a listen.
30:38Who would like,
30:38who's a guest
30:39that you haven't been
30:39able to get
30:40that you really want?
30:40Is it somebody
30:41you're pursuing?
30:41I'm not,
30:42my brain doesn't work
30:43that way,
30:43but we just had
30:44Carol Burnett.
30:47Oh,
30:47the best.
30:48The best.
30:50We had Dick Van Dyke.
30:53Dick Van Dyke?
30:53Yes,
30:54yes.
30:55He's going to be 100
30:55like in a week,
30:56right?
30:57I know,
30:57I know.
30:57That's fantastic.
30:58He was my hero.
30:59I didn't grow up with TVs
31:00and my first TV was at Stanford
31:02and I turned it on
31:03at 11 o'clock
31:04and there was
31:05Dick Van Dyke
31:05tripping over the ottoman
31:07and I was hooked.
31:08That's,
31:09that's,
31:09that's,
31:09there's your guide.
31:10There's your North Star
31:12for physical comedy.
31:13There's my socks
31:13and clean underwear
31:14right there.
31:16Ted,
31:17thanks so much
31:17for being here.
31:18Pleasure.
31:18Good to see you.
31:20Season two
31:21of A Man on the Inside
31:22premieres Thursday
31:23on Netflix.
31:25It's Ted Danson,
31:25everybody.
31:26We'll be right back
31:27with Chef Alison Roman.
31:34Hello.
31:44Welcome back
31:44once again
31:46to The Late Show.
31:47Ladies and gentlemen,
31:48my next guest
31:48is one of my favorite chefs
31:50and a New York Times
31:50bestselling cookbook author.
31:52Please welcome back
31:53to The Late Show
31:54Alison Roman.
31:55Alison,
31:56thanks so much
31:56for being here.
31:57Hi.
31:57Good to see you.
31:59Now,
32:00what do we got here?
32:01The new cookbook
32:02is Something from Nothing,
32:03which I think
32:04is fantastic
32:05because mostly
32:06a lot of people
32:06have nothing
32:07in their...
32:08And you can make
32:08something from it
32:09is what I'm saying.
32:09You can make nothing.
32:10Okay,
32:10so what is the most
32:11something you've ever
32:12made from nothing?
32:13God,
32:13I feel like
32:14a boiled potato
32:15with salt
32:15is a really underrated snack
32:17but it does sound like
32:18food that you would eat
32:19if you were really in trouble.
32:20I'm Irish,
32:21I'm all in.
32:21Let's do it.
32:22Yeah,
32:22that feels like
32:23very on brand.
32:24What are we making tonight?
32:24This is a bit more
32:25something,
32:26I guess,
32:26but this is going to be
32:28a crispy chicken cutlet
32:30with Parmesan
32:30and burst tomatoes.
32:32And basically,
32:33I dedicate like
32:34an entire page
32:35in the book
32:36to panko breadcrumbs
32:37because the book
32:38is sort of like
32:38what can you keep
32:39in your pantry
32:40that will make you
32:41feel like you can
32:41make something?
32:43And for me,
32:44panko breadcrumbs
32:44are that breadcrumb.
32:45They are like a thing
32:46that I use for everything
32:47and especially a cutlet.
32:49I'm all in.
32:50Great.
32:50I love anything
32:51breaded and fried.
32:51Let's do it.
32:52Exactly, okay.
32:52So we got our cutlet
32:53right here.
32:54Yeah, so I feel like
32:56you, not everybody
32:57has like a mallet, right?
32:59I feel like that's
33:00a very unique equipment,
33:02piece of equipment.
33:03And part of the book
33:03is also like, okay,
33:05I'm not calling
33:05for any equipment
33:07that you might not have,
33:07but we all have
33:08a tiny skillet.
33:09So carefully
33:10and without hitting this
33:11because this is hot.
33:12Hot oil.
33:12Yeah, we're going to
33:13pound this out a little bit
33:15and kind of hold it closer.
33:17No, we're not,
33:18it's not baseball style.
33:19You want to come up
33:19closer here.
33:21Put your thumb here.
33:22Yes.
33:22And like, yeah.
33:24There we go.
33:25I like it.
33:27Okay.
33:29His hand,
33:30your hand is in your pocket,
33:32which is extremely
33:32comfortable and casual.
33:35Sometimes,
33:36sometimes violence
33:37is the answer.
33:38Yeah.
33:39I will say it does feel good.
33:41Don't do this
33:41when a baby is napping,
33:42though.
33:42Am I thin enough?
33:43I feel you.
33:44Let me feel your chicken.
33:45A little bit.
33:46Basically, your chicken's
33:47good.
33:47Yeah, okay.
33:47There we go.
33:48Okay.
33:49Okay, good.
33:49Yeah, your chicken's
33:51going to contract
33:51and become thicker
33:52when you cook it,
33:53so like go a little thinner.
33:54But anyway,
33:54okay, crack an egg into here.
33:55Tonight we're serving
33:56contracted chicken.
33:57I know,
33:57it's very delicious sounding.
33:59Okay, crack an egg into here.
34:00Okay.
34:01We're going to,
34:02oh wow,
34:03that egg really wanted,
34:04wow, okay.
34:06Once again,
34:06putting me to shame
34:07in that department.
34:10Basically,
34:11this is sort of like
34:11egg wash,
34:12crumb,
34:13and then there's
34:13parmesan in the crumb.
34:15So I am not a huge fan
34:17of what we like to call
34:18crispy gone soggy food,
34:20meaning food that you spend
34:22the energy and effort
34:23making crispy
34:23and then only to like
34:25cover it in a bunch of sauce
34:26and then it gets soggy.
34:26No, that's a heartbreak.
34:27Feels like a crime.
34:29And so,
34:29How do you solve that?
34:30Well, you just keep it crispy,
34:32basically.
34:32And so I've put the parmesan
34:34and the way to solve it
34:34is to don't do that.
34:36It's just don't do that.
34:37Yeah, basically.
34:37Now, wait a second,
34:38I've got to show
34:38panko breadcrumbs here.
34:40Is that some fancy chefs
34:41say you got to make
34:43your own panko breadcrumbs.
34:44Can I go buy a bag?
34:45Absolutely.
34:46People, you know,
34:47I feel like making
34:48your own breadcrumbs
34:48is a real fantasy
34:49and we all love
34:50to live that fantasy,
34:51but that's not the world
34:52I'm living in.
34:53And I feel like
34:54breaking out a food processor
34:55to process like old bread,
34:58like I also don't have old bread.
34:59I have bread that I eat
35:00and then there's no more bread.
35:02And so I feel like,
35:04you know,
35:04all right, season your egg
35:05with a little salt.
35:06Season my egg with a little salt.
35:07And also season your chicken.
35:08We're sort of like
35:09in a season as you go.
35:10We're going to season
35:10all of these things.
35:11You definitely season as you go.
35:13I've followed some of your recipes
35:14and you're all for like,
35:15just keep going,
35:16just keep throwing some salt in there.
35:17Yeah.
35:17There you go.
35:19Restaurants serve so much more salt
35:20than we think, right?
35:21And that's what I'm saying.
35:22People are always like,
35:22why does it taste so good
35:23in a restaurant?
35:23Because they're using so much salt
35:25and so much olive oil.
35:26And people are like,
35:27how do I get my food
35:27to taste better?
35:28More salt, more olive oil.
35:29And you're like,
35:30oh, that was it actually.
35:31All right.
35:32So, okay.
35:33So you can use your hands
35:34or because we're on TV,
35:35use tongs.
35:36Yeah.
35:36Okay.
35:37I don't want to embarrass myself.
35:38But at home, you'd be just
35:38knuckle deep at this point?
35:39I really would.
35:40Yeah.
35:40I just do whatever.
35:41You don't want to know
35:41what I do at home.
35:42Okay.
35:42What are the...
35:43You want to...
35:44Okay.
35:44What do you...
35:45Okay.
35:46Add your cheese to this too.
35:48Oh, add...
35:48Oh, I was...
35:49You really over-cheese.
35:50I f***ed up.
35:51No, no, no.
35:53You're perfect.
35:54Just the way you are.
35:55No, you're just being nice
35:56because we're on TV.
35:56No, no, no.
35:57But you're going to yell at me
35:58when this is all over.
35:59I can feel it.
36:00But have you ever had
36:01like the cheese...
36:02like Parmesan cheese
36:03that gets brown on a...
36:04like on like a sheet pan
36:05or like a skillet?
36:06Oh, amazing.
36:06So that's basically
36:07what we're doing.
36:07It's cheese candy.
36:08Yeah.
36:08So we're kind of...
36:09Okay.
36:10Well, not what I would call it,
36:11but we are going to
36:12recreate that flavor here.
36:14Get your own show.
36:14Yeah.
36:15I'm trying.
36:17All right.
36:17Speaking of chicken,
36:19I love your costume
36:20from this Halloween here.
36:22Oh, thank you.
36:23You and your husband
36:24as Ina Garten
36:25and her husband, Jeffrey.
36:26Yeah.
36:27And is the son or daughter?
36:28I don't know.
36:29Son, Charlie.
36:29Your son is a roast chicken?
36:32Yeah, we were like roast chicken
36:34and then he kind of looked
36:35like we were making chicken soup
36:36and I don't know.
36:37We went with either.
36:38Whatever people wanted to say.
36:38Just tell me he wasn't soggy
36:40at the end.
36:41No.
36:41I would never do that
36:42to my son
36:43or chicken cutlet.
36:44All right.
36:44I'm really going for it
36:46with pressing the crumbs in
36:47because I'm...
36:47I'm not touching it.
36:48I'm a Virgo.
36:50Okay, that's...
36:50Oh, look at that.
36:51She's hissing.
36:52Yeah.
36:53It's hissing.
36:53It's beautiful.
36:54It'll sizzle.
36:55It'll be delicious.
36:56So imagine we made it.
36:57Yeah, imagine we made it
36:58and there's...
36:59We made it down here.
37:00Okay, great.
37:01I guess I have both.
37:02You have both?
37:03Isn't that nice?
37:03Okay.
37:04If all of them...
37:04Mine, I would not recognize.
37:06No.
37:07No.
37:08Anyone in the pro row?
37:10Anyone?
37:11Little chicken?
37:12Guys, there you go.
37:13This is...
37:14I will say...
37:14You'll notice this is a sauce
37:16that we're going to put on it.
37:17Yes.
37:17But it's not like a heavy marinara sauce
37:20with like goopy cheese.
37:21It's sort of just like a light saucy
37:23burst tomato situation
37:24that you would cook
37:25in the same skillet.
37:26So, you know,
37:27you want to go ahead
37:27and do that?
37:27I would sure do that.
37:28While I am ladling,
37:30this looks fantastic.
37:31I'm just going to...
37:32Okay.
37:33Yeah.
37:33Really good.
37:34Oh, my God.
37:35While I'm doing...
37:35I'm going to somehow navigate...
37:37Would you serve this
37:38like with a side of pasta or...
37:40I would do a big peppery salad.
37:42You have to stop.
37:43Why?
37:43Why?
37:43Is that too much?
37:44That's way too much.
37:45Why is that too much?
37:46No, I said no.
37:47I said not too saucy.
37:48You're making it wet.
37:49He made it wet.
37:50Okay.
37:51Well, we can't eat this now.
37:53No.
37:53Okay.
37:53Okay.
37:54This is the most ridiculous...
37:56I'll hold the cheese.
37:57Okay.
37:57And I'll...
37:58Okay.
38:00There.
38:00Oh, it's so sweet.
38:04There we go.
38:04Okay.
38:05Okay.
38:06There we go.
38:07Anyway, if you're a fan of basil,
38:09which I am about once a year...
38:11Once a year?
38:12I know.
38:12It's very controversial.
38:13It's not my favorite herb.
38:14I think it...
38:14What's your favorite herb?
38:15Dill.
38:16Parsley.
38:17What?
38:18Someone said what?
38:19What?
38:19Exactly.
38:19I know.
38:20It's so good.
38:21Please don't say tarragon.
38:22No.
38:22That's like...
38:23I would say top eight,
38:25but not top five.
38:25It's a garbage herb.
38:26Wow.
38:27Garbage herb.
38:28Yes.
38:28What did it do to you?
38:29I had Bernays.
38:30Oh, Bernays is fantastic.
38:31Okay.
38:33Can I try it now?
38:35Well, not that.
38:36No, this.
38:36Can I try this?
38:37Yes, yes, yes.
38:37If it's too soggy,
38:39it's not my fault.
38:39Okay.
38:40That's all I'll say.
38:41But it will be delicious.
38:43Okay, here we go.
38:43I'm going in.
38:44Go in.
38:44And so basically the idea is like the idea of a chicken parm,
38:48but like lighter, crunchier, crispier, fresher.
38:51Right?
38:52It's conceptually a chicken parm.
38:54Yeah, it has the words chicken.
38:55It doesn't want to be pinned down.
38:57It has the words chicken and parm in it,
38:59which counts for a lot.
39:01That's good.
39:01That's crispy.
39:04How's that cheese candy?
39:05There you go.
39:11Wow.
39:11Never enough cheese.
39:12Something from nothing is available now.
39:15Alison Roman, everybody.
39:16That's it for The Late Show, folks.
39:30Tune in tomorrow.
39:31My guests will be Benedict Cumberbatch
39:33and Patton Oswalt.
39:35Good night.
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