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He Had It Coming - Season 1 Episode 6

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Fun
Transcript
00:00The killer left the tip of a penis in our tip-off box last night.
00:09I want some more information on this Donna kebab.
00:11Kay Blanchett.
00:13You're familiar with my oeuvre.
00:15The Kill All Men Killer.
00:18I have the most brilliant idea for a dating sketch.
00:21Hello, I am the kitchen gardener.
00:25Kay can't be the killer and a pigmy.
00:27She's just a pigmy.
00:28It's Barbara, right?
00:30How's Maya?
00:31Alright, get up. We're making an arrest.
00:33Oh boy.
00:35Shit.
00:37Good afternoon, staff and students.
00:39I'm absolutely thrilled to announce that as of yesterday evening,
00:44police have detained a person of interest in regards to the tragic campus murders.
00:49We are very confident this will lead to an arrest.
00:52So I'd love if we could put all this behind us and focus on the upcoming Federation games.
00:58Has the body of the third victim been found?
01:00Don't say body.
01:01You're still alive.
01:03You can survive without a dick.
01:04Hold on.
01:09Why are they detaining an innocent woman?
01:11How do you know she's innocent?
01:12How do you know she's guilty?
01:16Oh, what, are you saying a woman's not capable of murder?
01:18No.
01:19I could happily kill you right now.
01:21Bring it on.
01:23Hey.
01:24What?
01:25Hey.
01:26Where are you going?
01:27A man is still missing.
01:29We need to keep protesting.
01:30Hey, a woman is being falsely imprisoned.
01:32Have some respect for the cause.
01:34We have 29 anonymous tips pointing to you, Donna.
01:52So why don't you start by telling us where you were the nights of the murders?
01:56We want to get you out of here, Donna.
02:05Just tell us where you were.
02:09This isn't helping your case at all.
02:12Maybe you should reconsider legal counsel.
02:15Okay, why don't we take a break, yeah?
02:25Can we get you anything?
02:26Some water?
02:27A tea?
02:28Kebab?
02:34Look at this.
02:42Well, I think that, yes, the killer may be in custody, but her work will echo throughout
02:49history forever.
02:50The annals of art history will never forget her.
02:55It remains bold, primal, vaginal.
02:59If you'd like to go further into the very subject, I've penned an article and you can go
03:03to my website.
03:04You do realise he's taking credit for art he didn't make that wasn't even intended
03:07as art.
03:08Do you have a Google alert for him?
03:10Do you feel bad for Donna?
03:14Why should I?
03:15She's the murderer, apparently.
03:17Is she?
03:18She didn't vandalise the statue.
03:19Shh.
03:20Hey, Nicole.
03:22Where's my eye shadow?
03:24Oh, sorry.
03:25It's just that I was just having a look at it.
03:27Are you going on a date?
03:29No, I'm going to the party.
03:31What party?
03:32Cops and tarts at Stevens College.
03:34Everyone's going.
03:35You still owe me a toaster.
03:36No one messaged me.
03:41No.
03:42Doesn't mean you can't go.
03:43Nicole said everyone's invited.
03:46Let's go.
03:48We can dress up as detectives.
03:50Cool suits.
03:50Sunglasses.
03:51Cigarettes.
03:52Magnifying glasses.
03:53We're the tarts, Elise.
03:54We're always the tarts.
03:55The boys are the cops.
03:57Okay, I guess I could make that work.
03:59But there's only one problem.
04:02Me.
04:03I'm famously awful at parties.
04:05If I were to be part of Operation Make Barbara Cool Again,
04:08you'd have to give me a complete...
04:10Give you a complete what, Elise?
04:13Barbara, you need to turn me into someone horrifically different.
04:16I need to be your perfect wingwoman.
04:18Then I can help you get your brand back on track
04:20and reconnect with your real friends.
04:23So, okay.
04:24What time is it?
04:29If you want me to say makeover time, I'm not going to.
04:45I feel like...
04:46I'm...
04:47Did anyone order two absolute party animals?
05:01Welcome to the arrest pisser.
05:19Another dangerous woman off the streets.
05:23On behalf of the Stevens College boys,
05:25let's...
05:27fucking...
05:29party!
05:34We've got six hours,
05:36and then we're going to have to release her.
05:37This is killing me.
05:38She's a law student, Roach.
05:39She knows we don't have enough.
05:42Look, I get that the VC wants an arrest, okay?
05:45But this just seems...
05:46Yeah, well, if she has nothing to hide, why not talk?
05:50Okay, the tech guy searched her phone.
05:53It's been completely wiped.
05:54So we now have reasonable suspicion
05:57that evidence has been destroyed.
05:59Search her room.
06:00Just don't, Shep.
06:13Nose ring!
06:14Blade!
06:14I thought you'd be protesting.
06:16Nah, I wanted a shower and a drink.
06:18And besides, they'll release her.
06:20They'll have to.
06:20It's only a matter of time.
06:22But how can you be so sure?
06:25Who?
06:26Ask Caroline, Donna's roommate.
06:28She here tonight?
06:29Are we flirting or chatting?
06:33Just chatting.
06:35Oh.
06:39Barbara.
06:40Donna's roommate, Caroline, is here.
06:42We have to talk to her.
06:43Elise, is that why you wanted to come?
06:45Can we just...
06:46Let's just leave it.
06:46No, no, no, no, no.
06:47I came to party.
06:48But if Donna is innocent,
06:50the police will be after us again.
06:52And it means there's still a killer on the loose,
06:54which means everyone on campus is in danger.
06:57Whoa!
06:57How did you...
07:01Bagpiper's fingers.
07:04Nimble.
07:07Here.
07:08Oh, no, no, I'm not cold.
07:10You need two lights.
07:11You can just take it.
07:13I'm Tommo.
07:14Elise.
07:16Want to dance?
07:17Uh, chill.
07:20Hey, morning!
07:21It's just a thing.
07:22You want a beer?
07:23Yeah.
07:26Whoa.
07:30Aren't you in the MRA now?
07:32How are you allowed back in the group?
07:34I brought beer.
07:37Let's be nice to be a man.
07:38Yeah.
07:38That could have been us,
07:44but, uh,
07:45you didn't show up.
07:48You never showed up for me.
07:51Scott died,
07:52and you didn't give a shit.
07:54Why don't you just admit
07:55that you used me to be the doe?
07:57Why don't you just admit
07:58that you used me
07:59to nurse your fragile male emotion?
08:01You're heartless.
08:03You're selfish.
08:03You're vain.
08:04You bore the shit
08:05out of everyone with MMA.
08:08Fuck you!
08:08Fuck you!
08:17Why couldn't we have done this before?
08:19I always felt like
08:20you wanted me around,
08:21but you never wanted to let me in.
08:25Fuck.
08:31I think it's working.
09:01Hey, hey, where are you going?
09:05Oh, I'll be back.
09:06Don't go anywhere.
09:10Yeah!
09:13We found this in your room.
09:17It's a list of 212 people
09:19with dates,
09:22including the names
09:23of the two murder victims.
09:25Lyle's name crossed out.
09:27Is that because you killed him?
09:28We just want to understand.
09:33Doesn't look good, you know.
09:35Refusing to cooperate,
09:36the wiped phone,
09:37and now this.
09:38It's time to come clean.
09:40They're the people
09:40I've had sex with.
09:43Okay?
09:44You cracked the case.
09:45Congratulations.
09:48212 people.
09:51That's impossible.
09:53Maybe for you.
09:55Why'd you cross out Lyle's name?
09:57Because we only got to third base
09:59before he passed out,
10:00and then I found out
10:01he was a creep,
10:02so I dodged a bullet.
10:03You had animosity towards him.
10:05Plenty of women hated Lyle,
10:06and Scott, for that matter.
10:08But you had intercourse
10:09with both of them.
10:10I'm sorry.
10:11Have I been arrested
10:12for having sex with dumb guys?
10:14Because, if so,
10:15you're going to have to arrest
10:16a lot of girls.
10:18There are six dates on this list
10:20with somebody called Jumper.
10:25So?
10:26Why is Jumper the only pseudonym?
10:28You've got 200 full names
10:30written down there.
10:33Well, I can only assume
10:34that this Jumper
10:36is somebody you're protecting.
10:39Or maybe shouldn't be with.
10:42According to your diary,
10:44you were with Jumper
10:44on the day that
10:45the third victim's penis tip
10:47turned up.
10:48Is Jumper the third victim?
10:50Is Jumper the third victim?
10:53Have you hurt someone, Donna?
10:54You cannot let fear
11:05lead to violence
11:06against women.
11:07No, there is a war
11:09going on
11:10against men
11:11and it's got to stop.
11:13Can't believe they went
11:14to a party
11:15while a woman
11:16rots in jail.
11:18You know what would be funny?
11:23If I went to that party
11:24and I brought those boys back.
11:27Most intelligent thing
11:28you've ever said.
11:29Really?
11:30You think so?
11:31I'm going to come with you.
11:34I'll walk you.
11:38No.
11:39I'll walk you.
11:40I'll walk you.
12:10Midnight.
12:12Tradition!
12:12Take your pants off, babe!
12:14Have you seen Barbara?
12:15We need to talk.
12:43We need to talk to you.
12:44We need to talk to you.
12:45We need to talk to you.
12:46We need to talk to you.
12:47Barbara?
12:48No.
12:49That's great.
12:50That's great.
12:51What the fuck?
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Gross.
12:54What the fuck?
12:55Gross.
12:56Gross.
12:57Sorry, babe.
12:58You bailed.
12:59And she's a seven.
13:00For Sir Tomo can feel so annoyed.
13:01Come on.
13:02I'm just down here, babe.
13:03I'm just down here.
13:04I'm just down here, babe.
13:05Come on.
13:06Pick up.
13:07Pick up.
13:08Pick up.
13:09Pick up.
13:10Oh.
13:11Help me.
13:12Help me.
13:13What's wrong?
13:14I'm trying to write an email, but my typing game's off for some reason.
13:15I'm trying to write an email, but my typing game's off for some reason.
13:16Sorry, babe.
13:17You bailed.
13:18And she's a seven.
13:19For Sir Tomo can feel so annoyed.
13:21Come on.
13:22I'm just down here, babe.
13:23I'm just down here, babe.
13:24I'm just down here, babe.
13:29Come on.
13:30Pick up.
13:31Pick up.
13:32Oh.
13:34Help me.
13:39What's wrong?
13:40I'm trying to write an email, but my typing game's off for some reason.
13:44Let me see.
13:50Okay.
13:51Okay.
13:52I will write.
13:53You dictate.
13:55Dear.
13:57Police.
13:59My roommate didn't kill anyone.
14:03Truth is, she's been sleeping with her professor and she was with him both nights of the murders.
14:14Love, Caroline.
14:18Wait, you're Caroline?
14:19Mm-hmm.
14:21Do you know which professor?
14:23All I know is he wears fugly jumpers.
14:27Not Phoenix, then.
14:29Huh?
14:30Sorry.
14:31If Donna has an alibi, why is she protecting this guy?
14:33Yeah, she's not protecting him.
14:35She's protecting herself and...
14:38Her future law career.
14:40Your career.
14:41This shit always comes back on the woman.
14:46You sent her?
14:50200.
14:53I mean, that can't be true, can it?
14:55You have to get over that.
14:56And we have to let her go.
14:57This jumper guy could be bleeding out in a sex dungeon as we speak.
15:01Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not Donna's dungeon.
15:03Well, of course you are.
15:04What does that mean?
15:05Because you're too involved.
15:06You're losing the big picture again, Shep.
15:08You're being obstructive and difficult.
15:10I'm losing the big picture.
15:12Yeah.
15:13These murders are not about what's happened this week.
15:16Or what's happened this semester.
15:18They are the result of 200 years of female rage.
15:27Each year, one in six women are harassed on this campus.
15:33One in 30 are assaulted.
15:37Most of them will know their perpetrator.
15:40And they will come to me looking for help.
15:44And I can't give them any.
15:48Because misogyny is woven into every element of this place.
15:54And until that changes, until we change that,
15:59people are going to keep dying.
16:02You watch.
16:05And the old roach that I read about in all those articles
16:08probably would have given a shit about that.
16:11Um...
16:12What?
16:14We just received an email.
16:15I think you should see.
16:24Hey, Jared!
16:25Shouldn't you be crying in the quad?
16:26We should all be on the quad.
16:28Dorian!
16:30Men are still under attack.
16:33Yeah, but I'm out of shirt.
16:36Hell yeah!
16:37You just got silly screams!
16:39He isn't even funny.
16:45What the hell?
16:53Shit!
16:54Oh my god, thank god.
16:55There is something seriously wrong about that...
16:56Um...
16:57Peak...
16:58What are you doing?
16:59Tonight...
17:00And tonight only...
17:01I will fuck you.
17:02And then...
17:03We take the secret to our graves.
17:04Oh, my God, thank God.
17:09There is something seriously wrong about that.
17:12Um, Peek, what are you doing?
17:16Tonight, and tonight only, I will fuck you.
17:20And then we take the secret to our graves.
17:25But, what about the cause?
17:30That's what's the cause.
17:34I'm sorry, Maya.
17:42I'm so sorry.
17:46I was a different person back then, but it's no excuse.
17:52Oh, hey, have you seen Barbara?
17:54I was literally just looking for her.
17:59You can't go over there.
18:01Nicole, if this is about the toaster or the scarf,
18:04they're having a conversation that's been a long time coming.
18:07Scarf.
18:08Who's that?
18:10Maya.
18:12She's the one who spoke out after the O-Week party at this college.
18:15And your friend publicly came out in support of her rapist?
18:18What?
18:21No, Barbara never said anything about that.
18:23It happened before you started.
18:25No, but Barbara wouldn't do that.
18:27Would she?
18:27I have enough to deal with, and I don't want to hold a grudge, so we're good.
18:37Really?
18:38Yeah, I'm doing better.
18:40I can throw it.
18:43That's, that's great.
18:46How about you?
18:48There's a script on campus I've been going through.
18:49Um, I'm fine.
18:52I, I'm fine.
18:53Thank you, though.
18:54Barbara, what happened to you that night?
18:56It, it was just that camel video.
18:59But that's done now.
19:00They've stopped posting it, so it's fine.
19:02No, I'm talking about what happened afterwards.
19:06Downstairs.
19:09It was a party.
19:11We were all wasted.
19:12Okay, well then, you wouldn't mind coming down there with me then.
19:27So you've released her?
19:29Well, we had to.
19:29I think we need to rethink the whole investigation.
19:32Well, I won't say anything.
19:33That should buy you some time.
19:35The students should know that the murder is still out there.
19:38You leave the students to me.
19:39I don't tell you how to do your job.
19:40Well, you do, constantly.
19:42You and I both know that this is not a new problem.
19:46Women have been coming forward for the past 200 years.
19:49But they can't win because, well...
19:52Because misogyny.
19:54Thank you, Detective.
19:56For mansplaining my own campus to me.
19:59Did you go to university?
20:00I mean, do detectives go to university?
20:03No, I didn't go to university.
20:05Exactly.
20:05Because what you're talking about is university.
20:09Every university.
20:10You're talking about the university experience.
20:13One of the professors is sleeping with his students.
20:15Which isn't a crime.
20:17Unlike castration.
20:18Unlike murder.
20:20Not sure why I have to spell this out for you.
20:24I have a lot of very upset parents to deal with.
20:28Find the fucking boy who belongs to that fucking tip.
20:32I have a lot of people.
20:33I have a lot of people.
20:33I have a lot of people.
20:34I have a lot of people.
20:35I have a lot of people.
20:36I have a lot of people.
20:37I have a lot of people.
20:38I have a lot of people.
20:39I have a lot of people.
20:40I have a lot of people.
20:41I have a lot of people.
20:42I have a lot of people.
20:43I have a lot of people.
20:44I have a lot of people.
20:45I have a lot of people.
20:46I have a lot of people.
20:47I have a lot of people.
20:48I have a lot of people.
20:49I have a lot of people.
20:50I have a lot of people.
20:51I have a lot of people.
20:52I have a lot of people.
20:53Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
21:23I didn't know.
21:33You look different.
21:34What's changed?
21:36Nothing.
21:37It was a stupid idea anyway.
21:41Boundaries, bro.
21:43Read the room.
21:43Turn the music back on.
21:58What the fuck?
22:02Ivan.
22:03Ivan!
22:04Somebody call the cops!
22:06Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:36Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:46Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
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