- 1 day ago
RAY used to be "a lesbian mom of two kids" - now he's their dad. Growing up, Ray "never felt comfortable" in his body and was masculine-presenting, but it wasn't until after he had children that he realised he was transgender. When Ray came out, his son Valen was seven and his daughter Vaela was even younger - just five years old. Ray and his partner Alyssa knew they had to explain the situation to their children before physical changes took place, so Ray asked them: "How would you feel instead of me being mom, me being dad?" His children replied simply: "Yeah, why not?" With his family's full support, Ray began taking testosterone and six months later he had his first gender reaffirming surgery. He has now had multiple surgeries and been on testosterone for two and a half years - and his children have been kept informed of his transition every step of the way. When Ray decided to take to TikTok and document his transition journey, he even involved Valen and Vaela in videos, showing how he educates them in an age appropriate way. But those videos were met with a backlash - with some in his comments section accusing him of "brainwashing" his children and others suggesting CPS should be called to take his children away. Whilst Ray shrugs off the judgement, Alyssa struggles more, admitting that she does "spiral and latch onto the negativity sometimes". Nevertheless, she supports his desire to educate and advocate for transgender parents online. It has not been smooth sailing for Ray offline either though - with family and friends initially struggling to come to terms with his transition and worrying about the effect it would have on his family. Best friend Gloria was "afraid of the unknown" and burst out crying when Ray came out to her over the phone - and Ray admits his sister Meygan "didn't get it" at the time. So when he sits down with them today to talk about his transition for the first time in detail since then, will Ray be met with love and understanding, or will there be tears flowing once again?
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NewsTranscript
00:00I was a lesbian mom with two kids.
00:02Now I'm their trans dad.
00:03Remember that? No facial hair.
00:05Did you guys forget what I looked like before?
00:07A little bit.
00:08People judged it so hard.
00:10Somebody calls CPS brainwashing the child.
00:13I will spiral and latch on to the negativity sometimes.
00:17When I first came out as trans, my sister didn't get it
00:20and my best friend started crying.
00:22It wasn't just you, everybody else is dealing
00:25with the consequences of your choices.
00:29I didn't transition until like two years ago
00:33and beard came in kind of fast.
00:36I'd be at like six months.
00:37I'm Ray, I'm a trans dad with two children.
00:39Valen, age nine and then Vela who is going to be seven.
00:43This is my wife Alyssa and we've been together for 17 years.
00:46Before my transition, I felt like I didn't align
00:49with how I felt inside.
00:51I just never felt comfortable, ever.
00:54The gender I was assigned at birth was female.
00:57I always grew up kind of more that tomboyish kid.
00:59And as I got older, I always still wondered what it would be like if I switched.
01:05Could I do it?
01:06Is that even possible?
01:07Hey, good morning.
01:09How are you guys?
01:10Good.
01:11Are you guys hungry?
01:12Yeah.
01:13Do you like my beard?
01:14Yes.
01:15Yeah?
01:16Ever since we decided to have children, you always said,
01:19they're not going to call me mom.
01:21We went through a donor clinic and at the time before I transitioned, we told them there's
01:26no dad.
01:27So they allowed myself to be listed on the birth certificate as a parent too.
01:32So do you remember when he first got a beard?
01:34What was it like?
01:35He felt different.
01:37That was really different.
01:39Do we like the beard?
01:41So when you decided to transition, how did you explain it to them?
01:47So my son was seven, my daughter was five.
01:51And I remember we just had a conversation with them asking them, do you know, am I a
01:55girl or a boy?
01:56And the kids were like, you're a girl.
01:58And so then I asked, how would you feel instead of being like mom with me being dad?
02:04They're like, yeah, why not?
02:06To just see how open and abrasive they were made it like, just seemed too easy.
02:11All right, guys.
02:12I got to let you go.
02:13I got to take my medicine.
02:16I remember telling my kids, the first thing I'll have to do is start taking the medicine.
02:20It's going to help me change my voice.
02:21You'll see the facial hair grow.
02:23I take my testosterone weekly, once a week.
02:27Why do you try to protect your kids from seeing it?
02:30Quite honestly, it's not that I have any reason not to allow them to see it.
02:35For me, it's just more of a safety and space.
02:38It's easier to be able to self-inject when there's no, nobody else in the way.
02:43They started getting impatient with me, like asking, when is the change coming?
02:46I don't see anything yet.
02:48When they started hearing it, that's when it, I think it all clicked.
02:51They're like, your voice sounds different.
02:53Morning.
02:54Regarding your transition as a children, do you think that there has been any sort of negative
02:59impact on them?
03:01No, I don't.
03:03I think that negativity affects me more than them because it really does.
03:07When Ray told me that he wanted to transition, it was the excitement of, okay, we have our
03:14answer.
03:15What's our next step?
03:16The nervousness was, what does come next?
03:19How does our process start?
03:21What does it mean for our kids?
03:22What does it mean for our family?
03:23I would say my transition journey has gone by very fast.
03:26I started testosterone once we started talking within one week.
03:30Six months from that date, you had your first surgery.
03:32Six months from the date I started testosterone, I recall explaining to them that I'm going to
03:37go through a surgery.
03:38This is one of my gender surgeries and what they're going to do is make my chest flat.
03:43My son was like, oh, so like mine.
03:44And I was like, yeah, exactly.
03:45Just like yours.
03:46I think they just always knew that your surgeries were to help you be comfortable with who you
03:51are.
03:52Right.
03:53You guys want to do a video?
03:54Sure.
03:55I started posting about a year into my transition.
03:58I mostly wanted to post because people just constantly bash other individuals who are LGBT
04:04community that you can't have a family, no one's going to love you, things of that nature.
04:09I thought to myself, that is far from the truth.
04:11I have a loving person right beside me.
04:13I have our kids.
04:14Okay.
04:15We're going to do a reaction video.
04:16Are you guys ready?
04:17I'm going to show you a video of me before.
04:19Remember that?
04:20No facial hair.
04:21Tell me when it starts to kind of look like how I look like right now.
04:25Starting.
04:26Okay.
04:27Starting to.
04:28That one.
04:29This one?
04:30Did you guys forget like what I looked like before?
04:33A little bit.
04:34Just a little bit?
04:35I forgot the lips.
04:37The lips.
04:38In the beginning, it was a lot more negativity, a lot more hate.
04:43People on social media will say whatever they want to say.
04:46And I can usually deal with some of the negative comments easily because I know it's not our
04:51truth.
04:52But it's when you start impacting other people in my family, that's where I start to realize,
04:56no, no, no.
04:57That's not okay.
04:58That's just not okay.
04:59Let me read some negative comments, some posts that I've seen.
05:01One of them is brainwashing the child.
05:03I don't know where anybody gets the idea of brainwashing.
05:08It's not brainwashing.
05:09I'm educating them.
05:10They are not ignorant.
05:12They are aware.
05:13Somebody calls CPS.
05:14This is mental abuse.
05:16I actually have had a CPS worker comment back to an individual who was stating this and
05:22said everything he's doing teaching his children is exactly what we wish more parents
05:26would do.
05:27They'll spiral and latch onto the negativity sometimes.
05:30But he takes it and just rolls off his shoulders.
05:33Eh, who cares?
05:34They're just, they're a faceless person making comments.
05:38But I do, it does affect me.
05:39I do kind of keep my negative comments away from my kids, but I did educate them to let
05:44them know there are people who aren't okay with the way our family is.
05:48There are some people who may say mean things, who may also be rude, but that doesn't mean
05:53that you should do the same.
05:54We don't have to pay attention to that.
05:56We know the truth behind our family dynamic.
05:59Coming out to my family, I honestly was trying my best to not have any expectation on anyone.
06:04I think I asked you, if you were to lose your family today, would you be okay with that?
06:11And I answered, yes.
06:13Not because I wouldn't feel hurt from it, but because it's more important for me to be honest
06:18and live my truth.
06:19My sister didn't get it and my best friend started crying.
06:22We haven't really talked about it openly ever since.
06:25I am very much anticipating to see what the responses are going to be.
06:29How did you guys feel when I told you I wanted to transition?
06:32At first I wasn't sure what you were talking about.
06:35But then when you told me a little bit more, I was really scared and worried because I'm
06:41like, what if something goes bad in surgeries?
06:45I was afraid of losing you.
06:48I remember crying.
06:51I was afraid of the unknown.
06:53Were you guys more concerned for me transitioning or the kids?
06:57I remember telling you that it wasn't just you.
06:59Yeah.
07:00Like that was a change for your family too.
07:03Yes, you're making the decision.
07:05However, everybody else around you is dealing with the consequences of your choices.
07:16My first thought was, how is Alyssa going to take it?
07:19You guys had a bond for a very long time and a transition is not something that anybody just
07:26goes through.
07:27But I'm happy that she's still here strong and you guys are doing what's best for you
07:33and your kids.
07:34It's so amazing to see that you're being yourself and to know that that happiness is
07:40actually, you know, real.
07:41You're being you.
07:42People need to see that just because you're a different gender with children, it doesn't
07:47make you a different person or a bad parent.
07:49It's who the person is as a character and how you raise your children.
07:54Yeah.
07:55What do you hope the future holds for your family and your children?
07:58Just less negativity.
08:00I don't want our kids to be negatively impacted by other people's ignorance.
08:03I don't bring any ill intent to anyone.
08:06I am just living my day to day.
08:08And so my hope is that people can see that side and realize that I'm not a threat in any
08:13way.
08:14Would you say Ray is a good dad?
08:16Ray is a great dad.
08:18He's attentive to the children.
08:20He teaches them the lessons that I think they need to be a very kind and honest person.
08:25How excited are you for the future of your family?
08:28Very excited.
08:29I am very excited.
08:30Someone once told me, now that you've transitioned and you have your surgery, is there anything else
08:35that's left?
08:36And I always response with, this is literally just the beginning.
08:39I think we have a great future ahead.
08:41Are you guys happy that your dad became a man?
08:43I'm always happy that he went on near my family.
08:47What a charmer.
08:48Wonder where he learned it from.
08:50What a charmer.
08:51Wonder where he learned it from.
08:52Where he understands it from.
08:53He's an electrician.
08:55He's a real star.
08:57She's what you're playing with the other groups.
08:58He's a big fan.
08:59He's a big fan.
09:00Be sure.
09:01He's big fan.
09:02He's a big fan.
09:03He won't come up with his eyes.
09:04He's a big fan.
09:06They're a big fan.
09:07He's a big fan.
09:08And he's been away with you.
09:09He's a big fan.
09:10He's a big fan.
09:11He's a big fan.
09:12So he's a big fan.
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