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Hannibal Buress: Comedy Camisado (2016) is a hilarious stand-up comedy special featuring the witty and clever observations of comedian Hannibal Buress. Filled with engaging storytelling, memorable jokes, and lighthearted humor, the show highlights everyday experiences and unique perspectives in a fun and relatable way. With entertaining performances and a lively atmosphere, it delivers a joyful and laughter-filled experience for viewers of all ages.
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Hannibal Buress Comedy Camisado, Hannibal Buress Comedy Camisado 2016, Hannibal Buress Comedy Camisado special, Hannibal Buress Comedy Camisado movie, Hannibal Buress Comedy Camisado film, stand up comedy, comedy special, family friendly comedy, humorous storytelling, entertaining performance, witty humor, lighthearted jokes, engaging narrative, clever observations, popular comedy 2016, joyful comedy, laughter filled show, fun comedy special, memorable jokes, engaging storytelling, entertaining show, relatable humor
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00:15:29Sous-titrage ST' 503
00:15:37C'est parti !
00:16:07C'est parti !
00:16:37All right, sit down, you're ruining this shot.
00:16:44All right.
00:16:46Oh, comedy.
00:16:52Try to find inspiration where I can, you know.
00:16:59You never know where you're gonna get inspired.
00:17:01I was on a plane and a guy sitting next to me pulled out his laptop and just started watching episodes of that show Wipeout.
00:17:08You know, Wipeout is based on Japanese games where people are just trying not to get knocked in the water.
00:17:18It's a goofy-ass show.
00:17:19It's something that if you're flipping through TV and you'll watch it for a little bit, but it's not something I would think you would want to take with you.
00:17:27Usually on a plane, I like to catch up on something with a narrative, but he was just watching episodes of Wipeout.
00:17:33And his plane didn't have Wi-Fi, which means that he downloaded three episodes of Wipeout.
00:17:38And he was happy.
00:17:40I could see in his eyes he was happy watching Wipeout.
00:17:42And I was happy because I was watching it and I had my headphones on and my music started syncing up with all the shit that was happening in Wipeout.
00:17:48People started falling in the water on beat. It was great.
00:17:53So I started thinking, what is my version of watching Wipeout on a plane in life, you know?
00:18:03How can I be different like him? How can I go against the grain? How can I not care what others think?
00:18:09How can I do what makes me happy?
00:18:12How can I inspire others in the same way that he inspired me?
00:18:20And I figured it out. My new thing is that if somebody tells me my zipper's down, I tell them, let that shit go.
00:18:32People love telling you your fly is down without even knowing your position on zipper politics.
00:18:37Yeah, my fly is down. This is my new thing I'm doing. Stop looking at my dick, first of all. How about that?
00:18:45My fly is down? Yeah, you're looking at my dick, though, which is worse.
00:18:50This was an accident.
00:18:54People tell you your fly is down with the same energy as if they just saved you from getting hit by a bus.
00:19:01Your fly is down. What are you going to do with your new lease on life, huh?
00:19:04Are you going to talk about me in your memoirs? Please.
00:19:10Sir, your fly is down. Yeah, my fly is down. Is my dick out? Because if my dick ain't out, I feel like you're over-exaggerating right now.
00:19:16My fly is down because I'm not a conformist piece of shit like you. It's anarchy down here and I'm living it. What's up?
00:19:22I was downtown Chicago. A homeless dude walked up. Hey, sir, your fly is down. Hey, man, your life is down. Couple things. Hey, I didn't ask you for shit. This is a quick fix for me right here. You don't know what I'm up to. I'm living life a different way. Wipeout. I'm living life in a different way.
00:19:45I'm from Chicago originally and I was back home hanging out with my dad. I get there. He was excited. He said, Hannibal, you ever hear this show, The Wire?
00:20:02This show was great. My dad just got into the wire. Show's amazing, Hannibal. Storylines, the writing, so many characters. It's great. I'm on season two. I love it. Didn't have a heart to tell him that season two was the worst season. I'll let him finish and we can talk about it on his own.
00:20:25I mean, I started thinking, why am I judging my dad for just now getting to the wire? People find stuff when they find it, you know? Everybody doesn't discover something at the same time. It doesn't make it any less good if you found it late. I can't judge him for getting to the wire now. I found out about Jimi Hendrix because Hulk Hogan used to walk out to his music.
00:20:47In WCW, Hulk Hogan used to walk out to Voodoo Child. And I'm like, this song is amazing. This is great. Who is that? That shit is amazing. That's Jimi Hendrix. Man, he's about to blow up, man. This Hulk Hogan exposure.
00:21:04It's so cool for Hulk Hogan to give new artists a platform. He's going to be able to tour. He's going to sell so much merchandise because of this exposure that Hulk Hogan's giving to him. It's a new audience.
00:21:19Turns out Jimi Hendrix is dead. Hulk Hogan's a racist. My world is crumbling all the time.
00:21:23I'm a little bit older than my father was when they had me, so naturally that makes me wonder, do I want kids?
00:21:38Do I want to deal with children's quirks? There's quirks that come with having children.
00:21:43Do I want to have a small person, fall asleep in public, and have to carry it around the rest of the day?
00:21:49Even though, even though it knows how to walk. Shit like that. Or, like, how many horrible children's basketball games can I watch?
00:21:56I don't know. I don't know how many 16 to 8 final scores a man can stomach. Like, it's scoreless at halftime. Zero, zero.
00:22:05I don't know how many back-to-back double dribbling traveling violations a man can have it.
00:22:11Traveling. I'm like, this is a referee's bonanza right here.
00:22:14These kids suck, but the referee is killing it right now. He hasn't missed one travel, huh? He's heartless.
00:22:23They gotta learn some way.
00:22:28No kids. I've thought through some scenarios of having children, just in case.
00:22:34Unlikely scenarios, but I want to be prepared. Here's one.
00:22:36If my lady has triplets, we have to give one away.
00:22:44I refuse to keep three of the same baby, man. I can't.
00:22:48That shit seems so overwhelming, man.
00:22:51I'm open to having three children, but not three of the same baby.
00:22:55I want to mix it up a little bit. Come on, man.
00:22:57What do I want three of a kind for?
00:22:59This ain't Texas Hold'em. This is real life.
00:23:02Get one of those babies up out of here, man.
00:23:04You know how goofy that stroller situation would be?
00:23:10How dumb that car seat situation would be?
00:23:12Get one of those babies up out of here.
00:23:14Get that baby to somebody that can't have babies.
00:23:18Her body, her choice, so she can pick which baby we give away.
00:23:26Unless we have two girls and a boy.
00:23:28She can't just give away the boy.
00:23:29That's... Come on. Balance.
00:23:31Balance.
00:23:31She can pick which baby we give away.
00:23:37If I'm being honest, I'm hoping she picks the first one.
00:23:44I want her to pick the first baby.
00:23:46Because I'm the type of dude...
00:23:49I don't like to grab the top newspaper at the newsstand.
00:23:53It just seemed like it got something on it.
00:24:04You know?
00:24:13And that's my main message today.
00:24:15That's really what I came here to say.
00:24:23If you have triplets, give one away.
00:24:25And I'm sorry...
00:24:25I'm sorry that rhymes.
00:24:28That sounds like a Sugar Hill gang.
00:24:30My name is Hannibal and I'm here to say
00:24:32if you have triplets, just give one away.
00:24:34I promise, give one of them away.
00:24:47You wouldn't even miss it.
00:24:49You forget all about that extra baby.
00:24:51Once you got so busy with the twins.
00:24:54Look, I'm already calling them twins.
00:24:56Fuck that third, baby.
00:24:57I can't worry about other people's kids
00:24:59when I have a family to take care of over here.
00:25:01No, kids.
00:25:06I have nephews and nieces.
00:25:08It's a perfect relationship.
00:25:11Because I don't live where they live.
00:25:16So whenever I visit them,
00:25:17it's a goddamn event every time.
00:25:19Because absence makes the heart grow fonder.
00:25:21I come to my sister's house.
00:25:22They're so psyched.
00:25:24Uncle Hannibal's in town!
00:25:25You got that right.
00:25:26I'm in town, kids.
00:25:28Hell yeah.
00:25:28Uncle Hannibal's in the building.
00:25:30What's up?
00:25:30High fives all around.
00:25:32Yeah, Uncle Hannibal!
00:25:36And I always come through
00:25:37with the cool-ass fly uncle gifs,
00:25:40video game systems,
00:25:41GoPros,
00:25:42helicopter drones.
00:25:43Yeah!
00:25:45Thank you for the drones, Uncle Hannibal.
00:25:47You're welcome for that drone.
00:25:48Now, how about you come here
00:25:50and tell me a boring-ass school story?
00:25:53Oh, this is a horrible story.
00:25:55You didn't establish any characters or anything.
00:25:57This story sucks.
00:25:58But I love you.
00:26:00I won't say this to your face,
00:26:01but this story is gabbage!
00:26:06And it's perfect.
00:26:08It's a perfect relationship.
00:26:09They get gifts.
00:26:10They get to see their uncle.
00:26:12I get to feel something outside of show business.
00:26:14We get what we need from each other.
00:26:15Then we separate.
00:26:16It's perfect.
00:26:18They're like hookers for my sense of nurturing.
00:26:20I was filming a movie,
00:26:27and I did a scene
00:26:28where I had to act with a baby.
00:26:32Me and 10-month-old baby.
00:26:34There's a couple other people there,
00:26:34but I was the one interacting with the baby.
00:26:36And what I found,
00:26:39babies are horrible actors.
00:26:41Don't respect the process.
00:26:43Showed up late, unprepared,
00:26:44didn't read the script, obviously.
00:26:46Not good at improvising.
00:26:47I could go on and on.
00:26:48This baby sucked, man.
00:26:51And it was an easy job for him.
00:26:54Basically, be a baby.
00:26:56Visually remain a baby.
00:26:59Don't grow up and become a toddler
00:27:01in the middle of a scene.
00:27:03As long as you're still a baby,
00:27:04be a baby, be quiet,
00:27:06make a couple grand, leave.
00:27:07That was it.
00:27:09But everybody's not built for the business, man.
00:27:12Everybody's not ready for it.
00:27:13We get him on camera,
00:27:14he wasn't ready.
00:27:15He was chilling before the camera started.
00:27:16I'm holding him.
00:27:17Director calls action,
00:27:18he just starts willing.
00:27:20Wah, wah, I'm afraid of success.
00:27:23Wah, wah, I'm wasting
00:27:25a huge opportunity right now.
00:27:27Wah, I have no future in this business.
00:27:29Wah, they call cut, man.
00:27:31I snapped out on the director.
00:27:32I say, hey, Sean,
00:27:33get this baby the fuck out of here
00:27:35right now.
00:27:36Give me a new baby right away
00:27:37while I'm walking off set, asshole.
00:27:39How about that?
00:27:40No.
00:27:40I didn't say any wild shit like that, man.
00:27:44But guess what?
00:27:44I work with very intuitive, smart people.
00:27:47They read my frustration,
00:27:48they saw the situation,
00:27:49so they got a new baby in there right away.
00:27:51Because you can't just hire one baby for a job.
00:27:53You gotta have a backup baby.
00:27:54Them motherfuckers unpredictable.
00:27:55So, we get the backup baby
00:28:00and they had the same problem.
00:28:01We holding him.
00:28:02Action.
00:28:03Wah, wah, I'm not about my paper.
00:28:05Wah, wah, I have very short-term thinking.
00:28:08Wah, wah, Hannibal will never work with me again.
00:28:12Wah, get him out of here, Sean.
00:28:16Man, we got a third baby in there.
00:28:19What a pro.
00:28:21What a pro.
00:28:22He came in, knocked it out.
00:28:23Ten minutes, three takes.
00:28:26He did something a little different.
00:28:27Each take, he was amazing.
00:28:32Came in, made a couple grand,
00:28:34bounced out like a G.
00:28:37He came in there, baby.
00:28:38He left a member of the Screen Actors Guild.
00:28:41And if he ever needs anything from me,
00:28:44recommendation, I'll help him out.
00:28:45Who knows?
00:28:46That kid might be the next Brad Pitt.
00:28:4820 years from now,
00:28:49he's giving me all the Morgan Freeman roles
00:28:51and shit like that.
00:28:53Hey, Hannibal, what's up?
00:28:55It's the baby from the movie.
00:28:56You want to play God?
00:28:57Yeah, I do.
00:28:57Hell yeah.
00:29:00And to follow up,
00:29:01you want to play an old-ass president?
00:29:02You goddamn right I do, man.
00:29:05You never forgot where you came from.
00:29:07I left out a major detail about those first two babies.
00:29:17They were white.
00:29:19And I'm not the type of guy that will say
00:29:23that babies can be racist.
00:29:24But I will say
00:29:27that they can have favorite colors.
00:29:34And also, the third baby was white, too, man.
00:29:37That wouldn't make any sense
00:29:38if they switched the race to the baby.
00:29:39They were all white babies.
00:29:41Just that third baby was a cool baby
00:29:43that can hang like J.J. Reddick
00:29:44or Justin Timberlake.
00:29:46You know?
00:29:47A cool-ass baby.
00:29:48I guess the children thing,
00:29:55if you play it in a family,
00:29:56it comes down to perspective,
00:29:57what you see.
00:29:59Like some people,
00:29:59you're at the airport,
00:30:00you see a man, wife, two kids.
00:30:03Some people say,
00:30:03wow, look at that beautiful family.
00:30:07But I had to see a dude
00:30:11that had to buy four plane tickets.
00:30:19And that shit assed up over time, man.
00:30:26You know, I'm just trying to figure out life,
00:30:28you know?
00:30:29Figure out life just like you guys.
00:30:32Trying to figure out math.
00:30:33Not general math,
00:30:37but math,
00:30:38specific math that applies to my life.
00:30:41Trying to figure out
00:30:42how many strangers
00:30:44I have to have empty sex with
00:30:46before I propose to my ex-girlfriend.
00:30:48And
00:30:48the numbers I'm mounting irresponsibly.
00:30:57It's messed up
00:30:58because I'm not even a good first fuck.
00:31:00I'm not a good first fuck.
00:31:03It takes some time.
00:31:07My dick gotta grow on you
00:31:08like the Yeezus album.
00:31:13Takes a few listens.
00:31:16At first,
00:31:16I didn't like that,
00:31:17but after several listens,
00:31:19I have to say
00:31:21that he's one of the best.
00:31:22Sometimes I find myself
00:31:33in a situation where
00:31:34a woman I'm seeing
00:31:36wants more
00:31:38than I'm willing to give.
00:31:40And that's not to say
00:31:41that she doesn't deserve
00:31:42what she wants.
00:31:44That's just to say
00:31:45that I'm not the one
00:31:47to give it to her.
00:31:49Does that make sense?
00:31:50I'll give you an example
00:31:53of a situation to happen.
00:31:54One time,
00:31:55chill out in bed.
00:31:56I got my left arm
00:31:57around this woman.
00:31:58We had just finished up
00:31:59and we're chilling.
00:32:00And she was trying to get me
00:32:01to double arm,
00:32:02cuddle, hold her
00:32:03like that.
00:32:04And
00:32:05I didn't feel like
00:32:07we were there yet.
00:32:08I didn't feel like
00:32:12we were double arm
00:32:13cuddle status yet.
00:32:17I feel like I was
00:32:18giving a lot
00:32:18holding her with my left arm.
00:32:20I was holding her tight
00:32:21with my left arm.
00:32:23Which is a lot
00:32:24considering we had just
00:32:25met about probably
00:32:26three hours ago.
00:32:28And I'm holding her
00:32:29tight like this.
00:32:31And she kept on trying
00:32:32to get me to hold her
00:32:32like that.
00:32:33And
00:32:33I didn't want to.
00:32:37And that's not to say
00:32:38that she didn't deserve
00:32:39to be held like that.
00:32:40That's just to say
00:32:41that
00:32:42I wasn't the one
00:32:44to do it
00:32:44at that moment.
00:32:46How do I put this
00:32:47in a better way?
00:32:50A dollar bill
00:32:51isn't worth that much
00:32:52in England,
00:32:53but it's worth
00:32:55a lot in Mexico.
00:32:56We all mean
00:33:02different things
00:33:03to different people
00:33:03is what I'm trying
00:33:04to say.
00:33:06Finding true love
00:33:07is about finding
00:33:08your Mexico
00:33:08where you go
00:33:09so what you said
00:33:09I get how many tacos
00:33:10for three dollars?
00:33:11Holy shit!
00:33:14I want to stay
00:33:15here forever.
00:33:16And you just hope
00:33:17that that feeling
00:33:17is neutral
00:33:18and that's love.
00:33:24It's an interesting
00:33:25energy around me
00:33:27sometimes
00:33:28where I'm
00:33:28skeptical of people.
00:33:32It's a weird emotion
00:33:34when you're
00:33:35when you're
00:33:37flattered
00:33:37and cynical
00:33:39at the same time.
00:33:41People are like,
00:33:42oh, that's nice
00:33:43that you would say that,
00:33:43but what the fuck
00:33:44are you up to?
00:33:51What are you up to,
00:33:53lady?
00:33:53What's your motives?
00:33:55What are you
00:33:55doing?
00:33:56What's going on here?
00:33:59Why are you so giddy?
00:34:01I don't know you.
00:34:02Where were you
00:34:03six years ago?
00:34:04What's going on here?
00:34:05Is this a setup?
00:34:06What's happening?
00:34:07Is this a setup?
00:34:08Did Bill Cosby
00:34:09send you or some shit?
00:34:10What's going on right now?
00:34:11what's going on here?
00:34:12What's going on here?
00:34:12What's going on here?
00:34:13What's going on here?
00:34:14What's going on here?
00:34:15What's going on here?
00:34:16What's going on here?
00:34:16What's going on here?
00:34:17What's going on here?
00:34:17What's going on here?
00:34:18What's going on here?
00:34:19What's going on here?
00:34:19What's going on here?
00:34:20What's going on here?
00:34:21What's going on here?
00:34:22What's going on here?
00:34:23What's going on here?
00:34:24What's going on here?
00:34:25What's going on here?
00:34:26What's going on here?
00:34:27Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:34:57Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:35:27Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
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00:36:09Sous-titrage Société Radio
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00:36:27Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
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00:36:42Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
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00:36:45Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:36:46Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:36:47Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:36:48Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:36:49Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:36:50Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:36:51I like to gamble
00:36:53I like an old casino
00:36:55I like craps
00:36:56I like craps
00:36:58because
00:36:59you can bet against the person that's rolling the dice
00:37:03you can be negative
00:37:04you can just walk up to the table
00:37:08I don't believe in him
00:37:09for $20
00:37:09I don't believe in him
00:37:11I don't like his hat
00:37:15$30 against his hat
00:37:17you can bet against people for whatever reason
00:37:19that makes sense
00:37:20I don't like the cut of his jib
00:37:21$50 against the cut of his jib
00:37:24I play blackjack too
00:37:28and they say go buy the book
00:37:30to give yourself the best chance of winning it at blackjack
00:37:32it's called basic strategy
00:37:33certain things you're supposed to do
00:37:35to give yourself the best chance of winning
00:37:37don't split tens
00:37:39double down on 11 when a deal is showing a 3
00:37:41these different rules
00:37:42one of those rules is
00:37:43you're not supposed to hit on 17
00:37:45but if I have 17
00:37:47and a deal is showing 10
00:37:48I'm supposed to assume the dealer's down card is a 10
00:37:51so I'm staying on 17
00:37:52I guess a 20
00:37:53I'm going out like a bitch
00:37:54that's not how I like to live
00:37:55so sometimes
00:37:57I hit on 17
00:37:58situation came up
00:38:01pack table at 17
00:38:02dealer's showing 10
00:38:03I was the last one to go before the dealer flipped
00:38:04I said hit
00:38:05and everybody at the table gasped
00:38:07holy shit
00:38:08no
00:38:09no
00:38:10he's on full tilt
00:38:11holy shit
00:38:12even the dealer said
00:38:14are you sure
00:38:15yes sir
00:38:17I'm sure
00:38:17yes
00:38:18I'm sure
00:38:18hit
00:38:19hit
00:38:19I'm hitting on 17
00:38:21I busted out 27
00:38:25turns out the dealer's down card was a 5
00:38:29I took his 10
00:38:30he would have busted out with 25
00:38:31his next card was a 6
00:38:33he got 21
00:38:34everybody lost
00:38:35I took everybody down with me
00:38:37yeah
00:38:37yes
00:38:40now
00:38:43that's kamikaze blackjack right there
00:38:45and you know what
00:38:46to be honest
00:38:47that shit was way more fun than winning
00:38:49it's only a $10 table
00:38:50on to the next one
00:38:51it's gambling baby
00:38:52we'll get that shit back
00:38:53we got all night
00:38:54drinks
00:38:54drinks
00:38:55drinks
00:38:55alright
00:38:55I've been trying to come up with a way
00:39:04for me and my friends
00:39:06to play Russian roulette
00:39:08without anybody dying
00:39:10because I feel like Russian roulette
00:39:12at its core
00:39:13is a very exciting game
00:39:15with extremely high stakes
00:39:17so
00:39:17how do I bring that excitement into my life
00:39:20without the threat of death
00:39:21while maintaining the integrity of the game
00:39:23that the originators would have wanted
00:39:25and
00:39:25I think I figured it out
00:39:28me and my friends
00:39:29go out into a field
00:39:30we have a revolver
00:39:31put a bullet in the chamber
00:39:32spin it
00:39:32and you have to pull the trigger
00:39:33with the gun
00:39:34point it directly
00:39:35at your xbox
00:39:37I feel like that's high stakes
00:39:44and low stakes
00:39:44at the same time
00:39:45you get a lot of feelings from that
00:39:47one
00:39:47you get to take a shot
00:39:48of the xbox
00:39:49two
00:39:50get to see if the xbox works
00:39:51after you shoot it
00:39:52three
00:39:52get to see if the
00:39:54Microsoft warranty
00:39:55even covers the shot of xbox
00:39:56and if they don't
00:39:59you get to see if you could
00:39:59get a cool customer service
00:40:01purchases
00:40:01man we don't cover that
00:40:02but y'all are crazy as hell
00:40:03for that shit man
00:40:04that was so wild
00:40:06I really respect the gamesmanship
00:40:08thank you so much
00:40:08for bringing that new energy
00:40:10into my job
00:40:10and my life
00:40:11because I really hate
00:40:12my family right now man
00:40:13so I
00:40:13you guys brought a jolt
00:40:15I can't even describe it
00:40:17I'm gonna give you
00:40:17these free xboxes
00:40:18with an exchange
00:40:19can I please join your crew
00:40:21for two months
00:40:22probationary status
00:40:23please man
00:40:23I feel like I'd be
00:40:25at a good
00:40:25you know what
00:40:26I said too much
00:40:26my apologies
00:40:27stop
00:40:27it's unprofessional
00:40:28I did a charity show
00:40:33in New York
00:40:33a few months ago
00:40:34and it was for
00:40:36Gilda Ratner's Club
00:40:37Gilda's Club
00:40:38and it was me
00:40:38eight nine other comedians
00:40:40we signed this poster
00:40:42it was two of them
00:40:43two posters
00:40:44they had all our pictures
00:40:45on them before the show
00:40:46we signed them
00:40:47and they were auctioned off
00:40:48in the middle of the show
00:40:49Rachel Dratch was hosting
00:40:51and she was auctioning off
00:40:54and they sold for $8,500 each
00:40:5717 grand for two posters
00:41:00and then Rachel
00:41:01ladies and gentlemen
00:41:02your next comedian
00:41:03Hannibal Buress
00:41:04hey wait a second
00:41:05don't just bring me on
00:41:07right
00:41:08don't just do that
00:41:09wait a second
00:41:10I'm not used to going on stage
00:41:12right after some posters
00:41:13just sold for a Honda Civic
00:41:15like
00:41:15kill some time Rachel
00:41:18give me a little time
00:41:18to process what just happened
00:41:20I'm not used to this
00:41:20this is new energy
00:41:2117 grand for two posters
00:41:26if I was on Price is Right
00:41:27I would have been
00:41:27completely off
00:41:28with that
00:41:29like two posters
00:41:32Huntro
00:41:32one dollar
00:41:4117 grand for two posters
00:41:47that is fuck you money
00:41:50right there
00:41:51I don't have fuck you money
00:41:53I know a couple people
00:41:54that got it
00:41:54I don't have fuck you money
00:41:55I have
00:41:56hey excuse me
00:41:58don't talk to me like that
00:41:59please money
00:41:59I don't have fuck you money
00:42:03I got strongly worded email money
00:42:05I got
00:42:05I got that limp handshake
00:42:09no eye contact though
00:42:10but I'm trying to get it
00:42:16trying to figure it out
00:42:17get a side business
00:42:19entertainment is too fleeting
00:42:20you gotta get something stable
00:42:21I want to have something
00:42:23just for 15 years from now
00:42:26when somebody comes up to me
00:42:28hey Hannibal what happened
00:42:29haven't seen you on TV
00:42:31in a while
00:42:31haven't seen you touring
00:42:33what's going on man
00:42:35I said you're right
00:42:37you're right
00:42:37and you know
00:42:38while
00:42:38I'd rather you not bother me
00:42:40while me and my family
00:42:41are at this Bloomington Denny's
00:42:43you know
00:42:43let's talk about it
00:42:49you know
00:42:50you're correct
00:42:52my comedy career
00:42:52isn't going
00:42:53how it used to be going
00:42:55but guess what
00:42:56my gourmet deviled egg business
00:42:59is flourishing right
00:43:00deviled eggs
00:43:02that's the biggest racket
00:43:03in the restaurant industry
00:43:05three eggs
00:43:06cut in half
00:43:07sprinkle some bullshit on them
00:43:08and charge nine dollars
00:43:10wow
00:43:10I want in
00:43:12I want some of that deviled egg money
00:43:14use the deviled egg money
00:43:16to fund my next racket
00:43:17I want my own liberal arts college
00:43:20yeah
00:43:22come to Hannibal's liberal arts college
00:43:25you know my picture be
00:43:26you want to spend more money
00:43:27in four years
00:43:28than you're going to make
00:43:29in the next 25 years
00:43:30well come on
00:43:31come on here
00:43:33if you're going to be in debt
00:43:40you might as well be in debt
00:43:42with somebody you like
00:43:43a little bit
00:43:44I've been on TV
00:43:45at least six times
00:43:46come on
00:43:46use that money
00:43:51to fund my next racket
00:43:52it's a solid practical business
00:43:55I want my own toilet paper business
00:43:56that's a stable business
00:43:59toilet
00:44:00everybody uses toilet paper
00:44:02unless you use baby wipes
00:44:04which everybody should use baby wipes
00:44:06I don't know why
00:44:06we decided as we get older
00:44:08we have to treat our assholes worse
00:44:10but toilet paper it is
00:44:14and toilet paper companies
00:44:15never shut down
00:44:16you never hear about it
00:44:18yeah we have to shut our doors
00:44:19people stop shitting
00:44:20you never hear that
00:44:21you never hear that
00:44:23and let's say
00:44:23let's say hypothetically
00:44:25people do stop shitting
00:44:26guess what
00:44:26toilet paper doesn't spoil
00:44:28you put some inventory in storage
00:44:29and wait it out
00:44:30they'll be shitting again
00:44:31they can't hold it forever
00:44:32you just have to be patient
00:44:34and believe in your business
00:44:35I'm kind of talking to myself right now
00:44:37and that's all
00:44:38and toilet paper companies
00:44:42rarely advertise
00:44:43and when they do choose to advertise
00:44:46the concepts are very flimsy
00:44:48I don't know man
00:44:49where we go
00:44:50who cares
00:44:51just put a bear on there
00:44:52who cares man
00:44:53people gonna come to us
00:44:55eventually
00:44:55they have to shit
00:44:56get money man
00:44:57the money's out there
00:44:58we need to go get it
00:45:00this meeting's over
00:45:01and no more meetings
00:45:02I ain't talking about this shit
00:45:03let's go
00:45:04lunch
00:45:04lunch
00:45:05lunch
00:45:05let's go
00:45:06sushi
00:45:08but before I embark on my journey
00:45:13as a multifaceted businessman
00:45:15that's some steps I have to take
00:45:16to ensure success
00:45:17I gotta buy a printer
00:45:20I don't own a printer
00:45:21and I'm pretty sure you need
00:45:24at least three printers
00:45:26to run your own liberal arts college
00:45:27I need a printer
00:45:31it's been holding me back
00:45:34not having a printer
00:45:35I've been on the phone with people
00:45:36yeah Hannibal
00:45:38just print that out sign
00:45:39and get it right back to us
00:45:40we can get started working
00:45:41right away
00:45:42oh
00:45:43here we go again
00:45:46I'm sorry
00:45:47I don't have a printer
00:45:48thank you for the opportunity
00:45:49I hope we can work together
00:45:51when I get a printer
00:45:52I hope you guys find someone
00:45:53to work with
00:45:54that has a printer
00:45:55thank you
00:45:56goodbye
00:45:56I have to get a printer
00:46:00I'm telling you
00:46:01that's the only difference
00:46:04between me and Kevin Hart
00:46:05he has a printer
00:46:06and I don't
00:46:07I'm telling you
00:46:11he's able to print out
00:46:14all the contracts and scripts
00:46:15he's printing that shit out
00:46:16I'm at Kinko's
00:46:17he booked a gig already
00:46:18story of my life
00:46:19I should have been in
00:46:20Ride Along
00:46:21is what I'm saying
00:46:22it's interesting
00:46:26being a performer
00:46:27in this
00:46:29this day and age
00:46:31you know
00:46:33everybody has cell phones
00:46:34cell phones
00:46:36people try to film
00:46:37I saw people filming
00:46:39the beginning of this
00:46:41it's going to be on Netflix
00:46:44way better
00:46:44let me get this shit
00:46:50so I can show
00:46:51that I was there
00:46:52hey y'all
00:46:53look at what I was
00:46:53sort of paying attention to
00:46:55we like to show
00:46:58that we saw stuff
00:46:58we got to show it
00:46:59social currency
00:47:01look at what I saw
00:47:02look at what I saw
00:47:03you don't get to see
00:47:04what I see
00:47:05except for when you're
00:47:06looking at pictures
00:47:07of me seeing that shit
00:47:08makes for some
00:47:14interesting situations
00:47:14one time I landed
00:47:17in Columbia, Missouri
00:47:18garbage, garbage airport
00:47:21garbage airport
00:47:23one gate
00:47:24one bathroom
00:47:26the bathroom is on
00:47:27the ticketing side
00:47:28which means as you
00:47:29go through security
00:47:30and something happens
00:47:31with your stomach
00:47:32you got to go back
00:47:33on the other side
00:47:33of security
00:47:34handle your diarrhea
00:47:35situation
00:47:36and then go back over
00:47:38but they still search
00:47:39the shit like they did
00:47:40the first time
00:47:40awful airport
00:47:41I would compare that
00:47:43airport to a bus station
00:47:44but that would be
00:47:45disrespectful to some
00:47:46of the nice bus stations
00:47:47I've been to
00:47:48some of them
00:47:49would be offended
00:47:50so I land there
00:47:53and I'm walking
00:47:55to get a taxi
00:47:56out front
00:47:57and there's a police
00:47:58officer there
00:47:59he recognizes me
00:48:01he fans out
00:48:03holy shit
00:48:04Hannibal Buress
00:48:05relax office
00:48:07it just seems weird
00:48:08it's weird to see
00:48:10a cop fan out
00:48:11holy shit
00:48:12too relaxed
00:48:14you got a gun man
00:48:15don't act like that
00:48:16dog
00:48:16come on man
00:48:18you got a gun
00:48:19you're doing
00:48:19wow
00:48:20that shit don't look
00:48:20good in the uniform
00:48:21save that behavior
00:48:22for playing clothes
00:48:23or not at all
00:48:23how about that man
00:48:24wow
00:48:26dude
00:48:27stop doing that
00:48:28with your leg
00:48:28officer
00:48:29ugh
00:48:29just makes me wonder
00:48:33how I'm expecting
00:48:34him to protect
00:48:34and serve
00:48:35he's out
00:48:35fanning out
00:48:36in these streets
00:48:37he's chasing down
00:48:38a robber
00:48:38he gets distracted
00:48:39hey you get here
00:48:40right now
00:48:40come here
00:48:40holy shit
00:48:41come here
00:48:41please stop
00:48:42whoa
00:48:43is that
00:48:43waka flaka
00:48:44holy shit
00:48:45pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow
00:48:48so the cop calms down
00:48:54and he says
00:48:56Hannibal I know this is unprofessional of me as a police officer
00:48:58but can I please take a picture with you
00:49:02and I didn't want to take a picture with the cop
00:49:04for a lot of reasons
00:49:06one
00:49:08he posts on social media
00:49:10people can caption it
00:49:13whatever they want
00:49:13it's out of my hands
00:49:14comedian Hannibal Burress
00:49:16snitching at the bus station
00:49:18also
00:49:26I don't know if he's a good cop
00:49:29I don't know if he even likes black people
00:49:32and just really likes a few of us on television
00:49:34it's messed up
00:49:37but it's how some white people are
00:49:39unfortunately some white people are
00:49:40I don't like niggers
00:49:41but LeBron James is amazing
00:49:43but I just took the picture with them
00:49:49because it was quicker and easier
00:49:52to take the picture with them
00:49:53than it was to explain
00:49:54all the reasons why they want to
00:49:56also these days
00:49:59you deny cops something
00:50:00that shit can go left
00:50:01real fast
00:50:02Hannibal can I please take a picture with you
00:50:07you know what office
00:50:07I'm sorry
00:50:08I'd rather not
00:50:09hey stop resisting
00:50:10stop resisting
00:50:13then a news story is
00:50:18comedian Hannibal Burress
00:50:20grabs police officer's gun
00:50:23at the bus station
00:50:24now there's an eyewitness
00:50:27all of a sudden
00:50:28yeah I saw the whole thing
00:50:29let me tell you what happened
00:50:30Hannibal walked off the plane
00:50:31went to the bathroom
00:50:32took a shit
00:50:33and he walked right up to the cop
00:50:35and started grabbing his gun
00:50:36and he's way bigger and stronger
00:50:37than you think
00:50:38and I don't like his stand-up
00:50:39his show sucked
00:50:39Broad City's okay
00:50:40guilty
00:50:41I had a weird situation recently
00:50:55my cleaning lady brought her kid with her
00:51:00I hear it
00:51:03I know that sounds obnoxious
00:51:04to start a joke
00:51:05with my cleaning lady
00:51:06but the shit
00:51:07it's not that extravagant
00:51:09it's like 60, 70 bucks
00:51:10bunch of you motherfuckers
00:51:11spend it on vaporized accessories easily
00:51:13so don't judge me
00:51:15my 60 buck cleaning lady
00:51:17she brought a kid with her
00:51:21here's the problem with that
00:51:22I'm 32
00:51:23I live by myself
00:51:24you can't just bring a kid
00:51:25into my world unannounced
00:51:26give me 15 minutes heads up
00:51:28out of courtesy
00:51:29at least god damn
00:51:30but I have empathy
00:51:32so I realized
00:51:33she brought a kid
00:51:34because she had to
00:51:35not because she wanted to
00:51:36so I didn't kick them out
00:51:37I didn't say
00:51:38hey yo both of you
00:51:38get the fuck out of here
00:51:39you come back by yourself
00:51:40and you ready to clean
00:51:41for real
00:51:42alright
00:51:42I didn't say that
00:51:44because I'm not a god damn monster
00:51:45I welcomed them to my place
00:51:48I popped the xbox on
00:51:49I grabbed the kids
00:51:50some juice
00:51:50I'm a great host
00:51:51when I'm under pressure
00:51:52I go into my room
00:51:55to do some work
00:51:56over here the kids say
00:51:57ma
00:51:58ma
00:52:00is there another room
00:52:01to chill in
00:52:01because this couch
00:52:03is really uncomfortable
00:52:04oh for real
00:52:05you're uncomfortable
00:52:06little homie
00:52:06that's interesting
00:52:09that you're uncomfortable
00:52:09because I'm uncomfortable too
00:52:10first of all
00:52:11I didn't know your mom
00:52:12was doing an impromptu
00:52:13bring your child to work day
00:52:14I'm uncomfortable
00:52:16I don't want you here man
00:52:17there's lube and drugs
00:52:18you might find a fake pussy
00:52:19if you look around enough
00:52:20I don't want you to see that stuff
00:52:22you don't deserve to see
00:52:23that stuff this early
00:52:24it's called a fleshlight
00:52:40and
00:52:41and I got it as a gift once
00:52:44I used it twice for the novelty
00:52:45once for loneliness
00:52:46and
00:52:47then I stopped after that
00:52:49you know you gotta put that shit
00:52:50in hot water every time
00:52:52get out of here
00:52:53every time
00:52:54no
00:52:54not a chance
00:52:56let the dust settle
00:52:58on that device
00:52:59man it's messed up
00:53:09pornography has changed
00:53:10how I view some situations
00:53:11porn has changed
00:53:14how I view some situations
00:53:16now because of porn
00:53:17anytime
00:53:18a white couple
00:53:20in their 40s
00:53:21or 50s is really nice to me
00:53:23I think it's cause a dude
00:53:24wants me to fuck his wife
00:53:26in front of him
00:53:27hey Hannibal good show
00:53:30can we get you a drink
00:53:31I'm not really with that cuckold stuff man
00:53:40I can't
00:53:41can't do that
00:53:42can't fuck her with you in the room
00:53:44apologies man
00:53:45I'm
00:53:45flattered
00:53:46skeptical
00:53:47but uh
00:53:48you all do your own thing man
00:53:51I'm not into that
00:53:51okay maybe we can negotiate
00:53:56some type of Skype situation
00:53:57where you can't talk during the Skype though
00:54:00don't
00:54:00I will mute you if you say anything
00:54:03so don't pop into Skype with
00:54:08yeah you fucking with that big black
00:54:10hey you're muted man
00:54:11come on
00:54:12I'm a big sports fan man
00:54:19I'm a big sports fan
00:54:20I spent a lot of time in New Orleans over the past year
00:54:22and I went and watched their basketball team
00:54:25their basketball team changed their name to the Pelicans
00:54:27the New Orleans Pelicans
00:54:29which I thought was a goofy name change at first
00:54:32but it's not the worst NBA franchise name at all
00:54:36there's the San Antonio Spurs
00:54:38Spurs part of a boot
00:54:40there's the Phoenix Suns
00:54:44that's stupid
00:54:45there's only one sun
00:54:46there's the Orlando Magic
00:54:54that's stupid
00:54:55you're just gonna name your team
00:54:56after another basketball player
00:54:58there's the Utah Jazz
00:55:03used to be the New Orleans Jazz
00:55:05but they moved to Utah
00:55:06keeping the Jazz name
00:55:07even though there's nothing jazzy about Utah at all
00:55:10it's the least jazzy place I've visited in my life
00:55:13it's actually a misdemeanor on a saxophone in Utah
00:55:16Minneapolis Lakers changing to the LA Lakers
00:55:23LA is in a drought
00:55:24there's no goddamn lakes
00:55:25there people are dying right now
00:55:26you clapping about people dying
00:55:29y'all suck
00:55:29so I thought the Pelican name was goofy
00:55:35and so I researched Pelicans
00:55:37if you search Pelican on YouTube
00:55:39the first result
00:55:41is a video of a Pelican
00:55:43calmly walking up to a group of pigeons
00:55:46chilling
00:55:47and then just
00:55:48ate one hole
00:55:50just ate it whole
00:55:53and then even run away afterwards
00:55:55he sat around
00:55:56holy shit
00:55:57I just ate your friend in front of you
00:55:58wow
00:55:59I gotta say I feel very powerful right now
00:56:02god damn
00:56:02your friend was right there
00:56:03now he's right here
00:56:04he's gone
00:56:05holy shit
00:56:07I'm shaking right now
00:56:08one by one
00:56:09you bitches look at me in my eyes
00:56:11and tell me how that made you feel
00:56:12wow
00:56:13woo
00:56:14hey human
00:56:15were you filming that
00:56:16if you gonna post online
00:56:17make sure you post it on YouTube
00:56:18and World Star Hip Hop
00:56:20to maximize the views
00:56:21very different audiences
00:56:24not a lot of overlap
00:56:25you gotta post on both
00:56:26we can go viral
00:56:27so I got respect for the Pelican after that
00:56:31the Pelicans played basketball
00:56:33in a building that recently changed its name
00:56:35to the Smoothie King Center
00:56:37yeah
00:56:38the Smoothie King Center
00:56:39I'm like you were
00:56:40I didn't know Smoothie King
00:56:41was crushing shit like that either
00:56:43I didn't know they were doing that well
00:56:44I knew they were doing alright
00:56:46I heard it
00:56:46I didn't know Smoothie King
00:56:47was doing NBA Arena well
00:56:49I thought Smoothie King was doing well
00:56:52in the same way
00:56:53where your favorite taco spot
00:56:54opens up a second location
00:56:56oh shit good for Gustavo man
00:56:59he crushing it
00:56:59got his number two spot
00:57:02good for him
00:57:02but Smoothie King is smart
00:57:06cause they're one of the few companies
00:57:07that have NBA arenas
00:57:08that can sell their product
00:57:09effectively in the arena
00:57:10you can buy a smoothie
00:57:12in the Smoothie King Center
00:57:13and then sit down
00:57:14and watch the game
00:57:15but nobody's going to the Staples Center
00:57:17and then buying three printers
00:57:19and watching the Lakers
00:57:20I know they don't sell printers there
00:57:21do they?
00:57:22I don't know
00:57:22nobody in Orlando's
00:57:25going to the Amway Center
00:57:26and getting caught
00:57:27in a pyramid scheme real quick
00:57:28and
00:57:29watching the magic
00:57:32I guess what I'm saying
00:57:33is good for Smoothie King
00:57:35in a very long window
00:57:36so we watch the Pelicans
00:57:37play at the Smoothie King Center
00:57:38me and my lady at the time
00:57:41we leave
00:57:41we're looking for a taxi
00:57:42we get a few blocks away
00:57:43we find one
00:57:44it's a guy leaning on his taxi
00:57:45arms folded
00:57:46and I walk up to him
00:57:48I say
00:57:48hey sir
00:57:49can you take us to
00:57:50Frenchman Street please
00:57:50he says
00:57:51I can't take you
00:57:52I'm already hired
00:57:53waiting for someone
00:57:54I can't take you
00:57:55and
00:57:56my girl
00:57:57she was kind of
00:57:58we were both a little drunk
00:57:59she was a little
00:58:00oblivious
00:58:01and
00:58:01and slightly white
00:58:03so
00:58:03so she just said
00:58:06alright
00:58:06and was ready to walk away
00:58:07but I'm a skeptic at heart
00:58:09I'm a skeptic
00:58:10because I'm thinking
00:58:10wait a second
00:58:10I said who the hell
00:58:11ordered a yellow taxi
00:58:12ahead of time
00:58:14to leave the basketball game
00:58:16and also told her
00:58:18to be three blocks away
00:58:19what
00:58:20in my mind
00:58:20nobody
00:58:21that's who
00:58:22so I'm a gambler
00:58:23I'm a gambler dude
00:58:24I politely
00:58:25calmly
00:58:26call his bluff
00:58:28I said
00:58:29what's the name of the person
00:58:30that you're waiting for
00:58:31because maybe it's me
00:58:32this guy proceeds
00:58:35to just crumble
00:58:37under this very light pressure
00:58:38he crumbled
00:58:40he started screaming
00:58:41do you have permission
00:58:42to ask me the name
00:58:43of the person
00:58:43you don't have permission
00:58:45to ask me the name
00:58:45of the person
00:58:46that I'm waiting for
00:58:46you don't have permission
00:58:48to ask me that shit
00:58:49and I'm looking at him
00:58:51dude you could have
00:58:52just said
00:58:52Michael
00:58:53lied to me man
00:58:56you could have said anything
00:58:57so now it's obvious
00:59:00he's not taking me
00:59:01because I'm black
00:59:02it's upsetting
00:59:03and now my lady
00:59:04realizes he's a piece of shit
00:59:05so she says
00:59:06you're a piece of shit
00:59:08and I'm yelling at him
00:59:10why won't you take us
00:59:11he's yelling back
00:59:12we're yelling
00:59:12back and forth
00:59:13back and forth
00:59:13yelling horrible things
00:59:14at each other
00:59:15it's a real
00:59:16unproductive conversation
00:59:17it's funny how some people
00:59:20see that
00:59:20they want to help out
00:59:21this bigger white guy
00:59:21so the whole thing
00:59:22he walks up
00:59:22and says
00:59:23hey
00:59:23hey you guys
00:59:24hey
00:59:24stop arguing
00:59:26with this asshole
00:59:27you don't need to do this
00:59:28this is what you do
00:59:29you write down
00:59:30his taxi number
00:59:31and you call
00:59:32the taxi commission
00:59:33then they're gonna
00:59:34find him
00:59:35and then
00:59:35they're gonna get
00:59:36his foreign ass
00:59:37out of the country
00:59:37holy shit dude
00:59:39yo did you just
00:59:42double down
00:59:43on his racism
00:59:44right now
00:59:44did you just
00:59:48see him
00:59:49not giving us
00:59:49a ride
00:59:50and raise it
00:59:50to get the fuck
00:59:51out of the country
00:59:52because
00:59:52that's next level shit
00:59:54I don't think
00:59:54you're helping
00:59:55right now man
00:59:56sports are amazing
01:00:02sports are so crazy
01:00:07there's dudes
01:00:07there's dudes
01:00:07that can pay
01:00:08millions of dollars
01:00:09just to talk
01:00:10about sports
01:00:11there's a segment
01:00:13during the NFL season
01:00:14called bold predictions
01:00:16and it's where
01:00:16four dudes
01:00:17sit around a table
01:00:18and just say
01:00:18outlandish shit
01:00:19for a few minutes
01:00:20hey what's your bold prediction
01:00:23for Sunday
01:00:23oh I think
01:00:24Peyton Manning's gonna throw
01:00:25for nine touchdowns
01:00:26wow that's a very bold prediction
01:00:28hey that's the name
01:00:30of the segment
01:00:30isn't it man
01:00:31well okay
01:00:32but what if he doesn't
01:00:33throw for nine touchdowns
01:00:34man I'm not accountable
01:00:35for any of the shit
01:00:36I'm saying up here
01:00:37thought we were just
01:00:38trying to fill time
01:00:39and fill these segments
01:00:40until we die
01:00:40man how about you
01:00:41never challenge me
01:00:42on television again
01:00:43you nerd
01:00:43how about I got
01:00:44another bold prediction
01:00:45if you say some shit
01:00:46like that again
01:00:47I'll punch you
01:00:47in your face dog
01:00:48that's two bold predictions
01:00:49and now next
01:00:50for the hot seat
01:00:51I enjoy sports
01:01:01I'm not a big
01:01:04not a big baseball fan
01:01:07I respect the skill
01:01:09I respect the discipline
01:01:11it takes to be great
01:01:12but it's just
01:01:13it's tough to watch
01:01:15give me situational baseball
01:01:19give me bottom of the ninth
01:01:21tie game
01:01:22bases loaded
01:01:23full count
01:01:24two outs
01:01:25but don't show me
01:01:26we'll let up to that shit
01:01:27baseball is boring
01:01:31a baseball game
01:01:32is good to go to
01:01:32if you got a friend
01:01:33you haven't seen
01:01:34in eight years
01:01:34and you want to just
01:01:35go somewhere
01:01:36and talk for a few hours
01:01:37with no interruption
01:01:39baseball stinks
01:01:40one of the greatest
01:01:42achievements in a game
01:01:42of baseball
01:01:43is the no hitter
01:01:44that's when nothing happens
01:01:45oh man
01:01:47he was so good
01:01:47nothing happened
01:01:48man
01:01:49he was amazing
01:01:49it was an amazing afternoon
01:01:51of pop flies
01:01:52and ground balls
01:01:53it was great
01:01:54everybody was a swinging
01:01:55and a missing
01:01:55it was amazing
01:01:56I don't like some
01:02:00of the rules in baseball
01:02:01I don't like the
01:02:02intentional walk rule
01:02:03which allows a pitcher
01:02:04to avoid his fears
01:02:06and problems
01:02:06I think this guy's too good
01:02:10he's very good
01:02:11and y'all think he's good too
01:02:12I think he's too good
01:02:13this motherfuckers amazing
01:02:14back there
01:02:15y'all think he's too good
01:02:16alright cool
01:02:16we're not gonna
01:02:17uh do that
01:02:18we're not gonna
01:02:19throw to him
01:02:19so uh
01:02:20catcher please rise
01:02:22and move a comical
01:02:23distance away
01:02:24from the plate
01:02:24just a goofy ass
01:02:28distance away
01:02:28from the plate
01:02:29I'm gonna throw
01:02:29to you four times
01:02:30cause if I throw
01:02:30to him fairly
01:02:31he might have me
01:02:32on TV
01:02:32doing this shit
01:02:33right here
01:02:34oh man
01:02:36that's the suck
01:02:37as a pitcher
01:02:37you have to look
01:02:38at your bad job
01:02:39in the sky
01:02:39oh no
01:02:40not again
01:02:42sometimes it's fireworks
01:02:45when you do a bad job
01:02:46pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow
01:02:47oh man
01:02:48it's messed up
01:02:50cause I like fireworks
01:02:51but not like this man
01:02:52context is everything
01:02:54for real
01:02:55pow pow pow pow pow pow pow
01:02:58picture
01:03:00that's one of the few jobs
01:03:02where if you do poorly
01:03:03there's explosions in the sky
01:03:06one of the others
01:03:08is TSA agent
01:03:10like oh shit
01:03:12oh man
01:03:14so I don't like baseball
01:03:22for those reasons
01:03:23I'm a huge fan
01:03:27of steroids though
01:03:28I love steroids
01:03:29I'm flattered
01:03:30when athletes do steroids
01:03:31thank you
01:03:32thank you for sacrificing
01:03:34your long term health
01:03:35for my short term entertainment
01:03:37hell yeah
01:03:38thank you so much
01:03:39for taking drugs
01:03:40to excel at this child's game
01:03:41but they get upset
01:03:44when they find out
01:03:45athletes were on steroids
01:03:46they get mad
01:03:47the game gets mad
01:03:48the game of baseball
01:03:50not the game of the rapper
01:03:51I don't know his feelings
01:03:52on steroids
01:03:53we found out
01:03:56you on steroids
01:03:57in 2008
01:03:58they find out
01:03:59really late sometimes
01:04:01it would be way more exciting
01:04:03if they found out
01:04:03mid game
01:04:04and shut it down
01:04:05like
01:04:05stop the game
01:04:07right now
01:04:08he is on drugs
01:04:10you don't believe me
01:04:11grab his balls
01:04:12they're very light
01:04:13that's a symptom
01:04:13he's on drugs
01:04:14game over
01:04:15we found out
01:04:19you were on steroids
01:04:20in 2008
01:04:21well you know what
01:04:21sometimes you gotta
01:04:23let it go
01:04:23cause you know
01:04:24what that person
01:04:25was probably doing
01:04:26on steroids
01:04:26they were probably
01:04:27hitting home runs
01:04:28creating happiness
01:04:29making strangers
01:04:31high five each other
01:04:32and bond
01:04:32like Sammy Sosa
01:04:34was on steroids
01:04:35years ago
01:04:35and he was hitting
01:04:37home runs
01:04:38and you know
01:04:38who was watching
01:04:39Sammy Sosa
01:04:39in the stands
01:04:40probably lots of
01:04:41fathers and sons
01:04:42and they remember
01:04:43that moment
01:04:43hey dad
01:04:45do you remember
01:04:46when Sammy Sosa
01:04:47hit three home runs
01:04:48in one game
01:04:48yep I remember that son
01:04:50that was your first
01:04:50baseball game
01:04:51oh thanks for that
01:04:52moment
01:04:52that was amazing dad
01:04:54it was great to
01:04:55share that moment
01:04:55with you son
01:04:56I love you
01:04:57you're my only son
01:04:58I love you too dad
01:05:01steroids did that shit
01:05:03steroids created that
01:05:08beautiful memory
01:05:09for that father and son
01:05:11so if you're against
01:05:12steroids
01:05:12you're against family
01:05:14I guess
01:05:15because PCP never did
01:05:18that for a father and son
01:05:20step up in the father
01:05:22and say hey dad
01:05:23you remember when
01:05:23that naked man
01:05:24wouldn't stop
01:05:25punching us
01:05:25oh
01:05:26what a horrible night
01:05:28dad
01:05:28he had so many
01:05:29combinations
01:05:30and so much speed
01:05:31and it felt like
01:05:32he had equal power
01:05:33in both fists
01:05:34dad
01:05:34what a
01:05:34he was a beast
01:05:36he had no weaknesses
01:05:37pop
01:05:37they found out
01:05:40Lance Armstrong
01:05:40was on steroids
01:05:41and I say
01:05:42who gives a fuck
01:05:43he's riding a bike
01:05:44let him do drugs
01:05:44how about that
01:05:45how about you
01:05:48stop bothering that boy
01:05:49let him ride his bike
01:05:50and do his drugs
01:05:50also Lance Armstrong
01:05:54somehow became a millionaire
01:05:55from riding a bicycle
01:05:56so he's a goddamn
01:05:57magician in my eyes
01:05:58how do you do that
01:06:01how do you make
01:06:02any money riding a bike
01:06:03if you don't have
01:06:03a sandwich or a PC
01:06:04you're delivering
01:06:05to somebody
01:06:05which is so
01:06:06let that magical drug boy
01:06:08ride his bike
01:06:08and do his drugs
01:06:09and of course
01:06:12he was on drugs
01:06:12you see how long
01:06:13he had to ride
01:06:13a bike for
01:06:14I take an Adderall
01:06:17just to clean
01:06:17my apartment
01:06:18and
01:06:19even then
01:06:21I don't finish
01:06:21I just end up
01:06:22super focused
01:06:22on some weird shit
01:06:23from my past
01:06:24like my high school yearbook
01:06:27damn I miss my friend
01:06:28Ken
01:06:28my friend Torian
01:06:29my homie black
01:06:30my homie school
01:06:31my look the bay team
01:06:32football team
01:06:32Miss Carter's English class
01:06:34oh shit
01:06:34it's my high school
01:06:35brunch crew
01:06:36god damn man
01:06:37hey goodnight y'all
01:06:39thanks a lot
01:06:42one more time
01:06:51for Hannibal Buks
01:06:52everybody
01:06:52one more time
01:07:03one more time
01:07:09one more time
01:07:10one more time
01:07:12Sous-titrage MFP.
01:07:42...
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