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Frank von F
  • vor 9 Minuten
1989 Horror Comedy

Kategorie

🎥
Kurzfilme
Transkript
00:00:00You
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:01:00Oh, my God.
00:01:30Oh, my God.
00:02:00Oh, my God.
00:02:29Oh, my God.
00:02:59Oh, my God.
00:03:29Oh, my God.
00:03:59Oh, my God.
00:04:29Oh, my God.
00:04:59Oh, my God.
00:05:29Oh, my God.
00:05:31Oh, my God.
00:05:33Oh, my God.
00:05:35Oh, my God.
00:05:37Oh, my God.
00:05:39Oh, my God.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:43Oh, my God.
00:05:45Oh, my God.
00:05:47Oh, my God.
00:05:49Oh, my God.
00:05:51Oh, my God.
00:05:53Oh, my God.
00:05:55Oh, my God.
00:05:57Oh, my God.
00:06:03Oh, my God.
00:06:05Oh, my gosh.
00:06:07Oh, my God.
00:06:09Oh, my God.
00:06:11we put the fun back in funerals and I'll stand in my head to bury your dead and
00:06:16now let's get back to our movies the vampire DJs from hell
00:06:41excuse me is this the service for Ephraim Ward indeed sir are you related to the deceased
00:07:00as far as I know I'm his only living relative my name is Dexter Ward oh of course Mr. Ward I
00:07:05spoke to you on the phone when you made the arrangement right we've opened the casket
00:07:09so that the bereaved might pay their last respects
00:07:11thank you
00:07:12goodbye uncle Ephraim
00:07:39the book the book of alpha you must find it it alone has the power to summon forth the evil one
00:07:54what am I doing here you're dead uncle Ephraim like hell I am get me out of this goddamn thing
00:08:03what stupid son of a bitch pronounced me dead he was Dr. Malley that quack in this cheap jack place
00:08:12didn't even bother to embalm me help me help me help me dear me this was rather unexpected
00:08:20you can all go home I'm not dead Dexter my boy give me your arm get out of here you miserable toadies
00:08:30phony bastards never saw one of them before in my life
00:08:34you're looking much better since the funeral uncle Ephraim you know I think death agrees with you
00:08:41Dexter you're the only person who seems genuinely happy I'm still alive
00:08:46well remember what they said about that condition of yours you sure it's such a good idea returning to work this soon
00:08:51oh my boy this library is my life for 40 years I've been responsible for the world's largest collection of books on witchcraft and the black arts
00:09:00that's what I call job security
00:09:02Dexter have you ever heard of the book of Olthar
00:09:05nope
00:09:06Olthar was a sorcerer at a time before history when all the world was in darkness and chaos prevailed
00:09:13oh yeah I remember the Reagan administration no no it was the reign of the evil one an elder god that once walked the earth
00:09:21Olthar cast a spell which banished this unearthly creature to the eternal void beyond time and space
00:09:29yeah I spent a weekend there once
00:09:31you may scoff but many authorities believe that the evil one has been waiting
00:09:37these countless eons for the counter spell that would free it from its astral exile
00:09:42yeah I know and once again we'll all be down the crapper
00:09:45correct
00:09:46Olthar placed all his mystic incantations in one volume
00:09:50which has been carefully guarded throughout the ages
00:09:53then
00:09:54twenty years ago
00:09:57I made
00:09:58a tragic error
00:10:00I lent the book out
00:10:03isn't that what libraries are supposed to do
00:10:05not with such a priceless volume
00:10:07the culprit's name
00:10:09was Marinus Orlok
00:10:11his academic credentials were impeccable
00:10:14and a few days later
00:10:15he simply vanished
00:10:17with my book
00:10:18for two decades
00:10:20I vainly attempted
00:10:22to find some trace of him
00:10:23then finally
00:10:25just recently I unearthed a clue
00:10:27a daughter
00:10:28living in Los Angeles
00:10:29I was about to contact her
00:10:31when I had my
00:10:33attack
00:10:34I had a feeling this was all leading someplace
00:10:35you've been like a son to me Dexter
00:10:37I know it's a
00:10:39it's a great favor to ask
00:10:41don't don't
00:10:42you know I owe you more than I could ever repay
00:10:44you give me that address
00:10:45I'll find that book
00:10:46Orlok's daughter
00:10:47is named Marissa
00:10:49Marissa
00:10:50you can contact her
00:10:51here
00:10:52all right everybody
00:10:54wide for picture
00:10:55I don't like
00:11:12I don't like
00:11:13I'm just not used to second best
00:11:17I don't watch
00:11:20Wheel of Fortune
00:11:21or meet the press
00:11:22I'm not the kind
00:11:24who gets depressed
00:11:25just give me action
00:11:30your love is the attraction
00:11:33it's pure satisfaction
00:11:37yeah
00:11:39I don't mind blasting out of here
00:11:52screw gun control
00:11:54I want some fun before I get old
00:11:57I don't mind causing accidents
00:12:00I'm on a roll
00:12:02who cares if I'm on parole
00:12:04just give me action
00:12:09your love keeps me in traction
00:12:13it's pure satisfaction
00:12:17yeah
00:12:18let's start a revolution
00:12:27calling John Wayne
00:12:29your love is driving me insane
00:12:32let's storm aboard
00:12:35missile-based dark world war three
00:12:37knock off the Ayatollah for me
00:12:40just give me action
00:12:44your love is the attraction
00:12:48it's pure satisfaction
00:12:52come on and give me a little action
00:13:01will you
00:13:02cut
00:13:14that was beautiful Marissa
00:13:17is everything alright
00:13:20babe they only make one word
00:13:21to describe your performance
00:13:22simply sensational
00:13:23that's two words
00:13:24right
00:13:25right now I predict
00:13:26that song's gonna win a granny
00:13:27that's granny
00:13:28no dearie
00:13:29he meant granny
00:13:30here you go chief
00:13:32okay everybody
00:13:34it's a wrap
00:13:34pardon me
00:13:40pardon me
00:13:40you're Marissa Orlach right
00:13:42how did you know my last name
00:13:43not even my press agent knows that
00:13:45I'm Dexter Ward I've been tracking you down all over L.A.
00:13:48hey look I love my fans but don't let it get out of control okay
00:13:51no you don't understand see I want to talk to you about your father Marinus
00:13:55what about my father
00:13:57well you see my uncle Ephraim he's got
00:13:59wait we can talk in here it's private
00:14:01hey
00:14:07hey
00:14:08this is the search for the last ride
00:14:11it's where they used to film all those old sitcoms
00:14:13now what information do you have about my father
00:14:17oh uh well not much I'm afraid
00:14:19apparently sometime in the late 60s
00:14:21your father borrowed a one-of-a-kind volume from the Arkham Public Library
00:14:24the uh the book of Althar
00:14:26now supposedly
00:14:27when translated this book could
00:14:29open up a doorway to another dimension
00:14:31what was that?
00:14:34it's one of those old laugh track machines
00:14:36they used to use it on all these shows
00:14:38oh who's operating it?
00:14:40no one I think they just forgot to turn it off
00:14:42but don't worry it's programmed to laugh at anything
00:14:44see what I mean?
00:14:47oh where was I?
00:14:49oh yeah anyway my uncle Ephraim is the head librarian at Arkham
00:14:53and he's a little eager to have this particular book returned
00:14:56so I was kind of hoping you could uh give me a current address on your father
00:14:59oh I was hoping you could give me one
00:15:02see my father left when I was quite young
00:15:04he arranged a Swiss bank account for our support
00:15:07but neither my mother I have heard from him in like nearly 20 years
00:15:11I'm not giving anything to see him again
00:15:13hey that's not funny
00:15:16look I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances
00:15:20I uh I won't bother you anymore
00:15:23hello
00:15:25holy captain video
00:15:28you must be characters from the future
00:15:30let's see this is where the plot thickens
00:15:33telegram uh telegram for Marissa Orlach
00:15:36oh I'm Marissa Orlach
00:15:37yeah well this must be me
00:15:39will you come on
00:15:47what a crouch
00:15:49oh it's from Victor Van Housing
00:15:54I don't know anybody by that name
00:15:56come immediately to Castle Orlach
00:16:00Transylvania
00:16:01oh
00:16:15how painful this must be for you
00:16:18I'm gonna call the travel agency
00:16:20reserve tickets for two
00:16:23for Transylvania
00:16:25oh
00:16:27Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning our descent into Transylvania.
00:16:39Please fasten your seatbelts and extinguish our port.
00:16:44Thank you for flying Transylvania Airlines.
00:16:50The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of cognitive.
00:16:54There is no dying in the red zone.
00:16:56And, in the sign closed up ahead, the twilight zone.
00:17:02Oh, it's beautiful here.
00:17:05Now what do we do?
00:17:06According to the telegram, we'll go straight to Hemsworth.
00:17:09It's a small village just west of here.
00:17:11Got any neat ideas on how to get there?
00:17:13Nope.
00:17:14Okay.
00:17:19We could live here.
00:17:21Taxi!
00:17:22Oh, I'm not sure.
00:17:23We're trying to get to Hemsworth.
00:17:25Look lady, you either want a taxi or you don't want a taxi.
00:17:26No skin off my ass either way.
00:17:27Turn your neck here.
00:17:28You got it, baby.
00:17:29Maxi Field.
00:17:30Big apple cab company.
00:17:31Oh.
00:17:32What are you doing here?
00:17:33Can I help if they give me a bad area?
00:17:34So, hey, I'm not taking a bath here for my health.
00:17:36You want a ride or not?
00:17:37You got it.
00:17:38Can you take us to Hemsworth?
00:17:39I don't usually like to go into that area after dark, but, uh...
00:17:40Hey, a fair's a fair, right?
00:17:41You know what I mean?
00:17:42Hop in.
00:17:43I think it was red, Captain.
00:17:44It'll look too well.
00:17:45Yeah, there's zombies.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:47Oh.
00:17:48Oh.
00:17:49Oh.
00:17:50Oh.
00:17:51Oh.
00:17:52Oh.
00:17:53Oh.
00:17:54Oh.
00:17:55Oh.
00:17:56Oh.
00:17:57Oh.
00:17:58Oh.
00:17:59Oh.
00:18:00Oh.
00:18:01Oh.
00:18:02Oh.
00:18:03Oh.
00:18:04Oh.
00:18:05Oh.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Oh.
00:18:08Hey, they're zombies.
00:18:09Forget about them.
00:18:10You get used to them.
00:18:11What?
00:18:12The Walking Dead?
00:18:13Hey.
00:18:14New York, you got your junkies.
00:18:15Here, you got your zombies.
00:18:17What's the difference?
00:18:18They all look like Keith Richards, anyway.
00:18:20They don't look particularly efficient.
00:18:22Oh, no, no, no.
00:18:25Yeah, they're dead.
00:18:26They're all messed up.
00:18:27Oh.
00:18:28Oh.
00:18:29Oh.
00:18:30Oh.
00:18:31Oh.
00:18:32Get in.
00:18:33Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:18:35Hey, hey.
00:18:36Hey.
00:18:37Hey, hey, hey.
00:18:38nice scenery around here hey folks you got your miss shrouded moors your bleak forest
00:18:44desolate graveyards great place for picnics you know you didn't have to come if i found the book
00:18:50of alca i could have just sent it to you you know you don't mind me being here do you no it's nice
00:18:56to have company especially in a place like this ah who knows maybe they'll put up a disneyland
00:19:02here someday yeah i could see it all now vampires of the caribbean right over there someplace hey did
00:19:09you say that you were a librarian no no my uncle's a librarian i'm just helping him out during summer
00:19:14vacation i'm studying pre-med at arkham university i was going to be a lawyer but i couldn't stand
00:19:19the sight of blood i never finished high school oh really uh despite graduating from high school
00:19:26marissa's recording career prevented her from pursuing a higher education i'm doing a little
00:19:31research oh at least that much is true oh wait a minute uh describe your perfect mate yeah here
00:19:38we go tall handsome great sense of humor you feel like anybody you know one out of three is that
00:19:45sorry about the bumps we got better roads in the bronx and i still don't understand what a new
00:19:54york cabbie is doing in a place like this talking to me nobody else here must be talking to me
00:19:59i wanted to get out of the city big mistake you can't even find a decent piece of pizza in this
00:20:05whole damn country i'll bite
00:20:09thanks
00:20:10you know we don't seem to be getting the media coverage off what we would you missed the point
00:20:33mr mole we'd be stopping any unauthorized grave robbers from sneaking in and nipping the old gentleman inside
00:20:39aye aye and someone up to those medical chaps for a measly tin bob tin bob doesn't sound so bad
00:20:46here and now we could buy another bottle help us keep warm oh that we could mr sweeney that we
00:20:52be he's suggesting we cross our own picket line
00:20:55aye that i be mr mole did you bring your tools with you would a good union man be without his tool to trade
00:21:02always a pleasure to see a professional at work mr sweeney
00:21:11why thank you mr mole
00:21:15got these bloody alarms on everything these days
00:21:20off to you mr mole
00:21:23after you mr sweeney
00:21:25what do you think you bet we'd be saving him from being stabbed by someone what ain't in our unit
00:21:31i'm sure he'd be appreciating that fact mr mole
00:21:43he's trying to keep reminding that we didn't let a two- Sindicato
00:21:54i want him to run
00:21:56no plhes
00:21:57no please
00:21:57hey
00:21:58no
00:21:58no please
00:22:07i want me to punch
00:22:07please
00:22:08oh my god
00:22:12Oh, my God!
00:22:42Thank God!
00:22:48Thank God!
00:22:50Thank God?
00:22:52Thank God I got him before dinner!
00:23:12Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian dollar.
00:23:30Pardon me, pardon me.
00:23:32Here's a lovely place you got here, but, um, how can you afford all this garlic?
00:23:38Excuse me.
00:23:41Um, can somebody tell us how to get to Castle Orlov?
00:23:55I don't think they've heard of it.
00:24:06Perhaps I can hate you.
00:24:08I am the Chief Constantine.
00:24:10Oh, hello there.
00:24:11My name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:12Hans Hopp!
00:24:13No, no, that's my name.
00:24:15Oh, I see.
00:24:16Hopp!
00:24:17Hans Hopp!
00:24:18Correct.
00:24:19Now, hands down.
00:24:20Yes, what is it?
00:24:21I'm not talking to you, Hans.
00:24:22I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:23I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:24That's Hans Down, our local undertaker.
00:24:27Well, Constable, with all these similar names, you must have your hands full.
00:24:30Yes.
00:24:31I knew it.
00:24:32I knew it.
00:24:33Well, perhaps you can help us, Constable Hopp.
00:24:36Perhaps.
00:24:37That would be your business at Castle Orlov.
00:24:40Well, you see, my name is Marissa Orlov, and my late father lived there.
00:24:45Oh!
00:24:46Oh!
00:24:47Somehow I don't think Dad was the president of the local Kiwanis club.
00:24:50Oh, stop it.
00:24:51You don't mean to say you're Marissa Orlov's daughter.
00:24:55Yes.
00:24:56Yes?
00:24:57You don't mean to say it?
00:24:58No, I do mean to say it.
00:24:59Let me rephrase this.
00:25:01Are you not Marinas Orlov's daughter?
00:25:03Yes.
00:25:04Yes, you are not.
00:25:05No, yes, I am.
00:25:06Put it right away.
00:25:08Well, let's make this simple.
00:25:09This is Marissa Orlov.
00:25:10I'm Dexter Ward.
00:25:11We're looking for Castle Orlov, and we're all here to play Super Password.
00:25:15Young lady, I seriously suggest that you stay away from the castle.
00:25:21It has been boarded up since your father's death.
00:25:24There's no one up there now.
00:25:26At least, no one alive.
00:25:35Who's playing that one?
00:25:37Well, that's nonsense.
00:25:39I received a telegram stating that my uncle Byron had already arrived there.
00:25:44He's back.
00:25:45Byron Orlov is back.
00:25:47Now no one will be safe.
00:25:49Not our wives, our children, our mistresses.
00:25:52And he's coming in on the new train.
00:25:55Hey, wait a minute.
00:25:56I'm in the wrong movie.
00:25:58You are not telling me that Byron Orlov is back.
00:26:02No, no, wait a minute.
00:26:03Don't start that again.
00:26:04What's wrong with everybody?
00:26:06Wrong?
00:26:07Nothing is wrong, little man.
00:26:10You must make allowances.
00:26:12These are but superstitious peasants, afraid of their own shadows.
00:26:17You see what I mean?
00:26:22There is much to fear in the shadows.
00:26:26And even more to fear from vampires.
00:26:36Vampires?
00:26:38There were legends many years ago, but fairy tales to frightened children.
00:26:47Tell me, constable, where do legends end and facts begin?
00:26:50What is the shadowy boundary between science and superstition?
00:26:53And how can you tell the groom at a Polish wedding?
00:26:56I'm afraid you have made a loss.
00:26:59Aha!
00:27:00I thought as much.
00:27:02You are Marissa Orlov?
00:27:03Yes.
00:27:04I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:05It was I who sent you that telegram.
00:27:06My car.
00:27:08For a good time call, Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:12Vampire hunter.
00:27:13I don't understand.
00:27:14I've been awaiting your arrival.
00:27:15You may share my coach.
00:27:17Oh, wait, wait.
00:27:18Why are we...
00:27:21Vade, my son.
00:27:22I once had a boy just like you.
00:27:25Here.
00:27:26Take this.
00:27:27It will protect you from evil.
00:27:29Thanks.
00:27:30Wait a minute, buddy.
00:27:32That'll be a buck seventy-five.
00:27:34Oh, man!
00:27:42You know my father?
00:27:44Marinis and I were colleagues many years ago.
00:27:47Then something happened and I never saw him again.
00:27:50A few days ago I learned that he had died
00:27:51and I had been named executive of the estate.
00:27:53And that's when you contacted me?
00:27:55Correct.
00:27:56You and your uncle are the only two known living heirs.
00:27:58I believe Lord Byron and his family are already at the castle.
00:28:01Come.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:05Dexter, what took you so long?
00:28:07The old lady in the gift shop, if you must know.
00:28:09Here.
00:28:10This might come in handy.
00:28:12Does this mean we're going steady?
00:28:13Driver!
00:28:15Driver!
00:28:20A
00:28:30A
00:28:36A
00:28:38A
00:28:40I don't care what anyone says.
00:28:49This hurts.
00:29:05Are you really a vampire hunter?
00:29:07Is that card some kind of joke?
00:29:09Young lady, I never joke about vampires.
00:29:15No way, are we talking about furry flying bats?
00:29:18We are speaking of the undead.
00:29:19Undead? What do you mean, not alive?
00:29:22They are neither dead nor alive.
00:29:23Sounds like my agent.
00:29:24I am referring to the evil spirits who inhabit the bodies of the deceased.
00:29:28They rise from their coffins to feed upon the blood of the living.
00:29:31That's my agent, all right.
00:29:33I've made the eradication of these creatures my life's work.
00:29:35So, there's a lot of money in this stuff?
00:29:37I was always encouraged to uphold the family tradition, even as a child.
00:29:41Victor, what's happening?
00:29:43I don't know. Either the projectionist is falling asleep, or Van Helsing's having a flashback.
00:29:47Merry Christmas, young Victor.
00:30:02Thanks, Dad.
00:30:03This is just what I wanted.
00:30:05Of course, vampire hunting has its moments of tension, even for a small boy.
00:30:11Victor. Victor Van Helsing.
00:30:14Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:16Are you responsible for that?
00:30:23Yes, Mrs. Caldwell.
00:30:24Bring it here.
00:30:26Yes.
00:30:33Now, I want you to write on the blackboard.
00:30:36I will not stake vampires in glass.
00:30:39And I want you to do it 50 times.
00:30:42Another flashback?
00:30:44Don't worry. I think it's the last one.
00:30:45Oh, good.
00:30:47Gosh, Betty Lou, I really like you.
00:30:49And I really like you, Victor.
00:30:51You're not like the other girls.
00:30:54I was wondering when you'd get around to noticing that.
00:30:57Somehow, you're more mature than the others.
00:31:00Well, I am 19.
00:31:0119? But that's not old.
00:31:041900.
00:31:07That's old.
00:31:09Perhaps we ought to start back home. It is getting rather late.
00:31:13Later than you think, Victor.
00:31:15Please, no hickeys.
00:31:17Don't worry, Victor. I'll still respect you in the morning.
00:31:20I think we both need a drink first.
00:31:24Perhaps you're right.
00:31:25It may help to warm our blood.
00:31:28Ladies first.
00:31:29Holy water, don't leave home without it.
00:31:47From that time onward, I've dedicated my life to scourging the earth of this evil.
00:31:54Wow, they really do exist.
00:31:56I assure you, they exist.
00:31:58In fact, there's been a recent epidemic of vampirism in this vicinity.
00:32:01I destroyed one such creature before you arrived this evening.
00:32:04Maybe you could mail me that book.
00:32:07Now, you two have nothing to fear while under my protection.
00:32:09I may be kindly, Dr. Van Helsing, to you, but to the undead, I am the son of Sam.
00:32:17Frightened?
00:32:18Me?
00:32:19You don't really expect me to swallow that, do you?
00:32:21I swallowed it.
00:32:23Hey, come on, Miss Maris.
00:32:24We're riding here in the beautiful, colorful countryside,
00:32:27being pulled by a horse-drawn carriage,
00:32:29moonlight.
00:32:30What could be more romantic?
00:32:32High noon on the Mojave Desert.
00:32:33Listen, the hills are alive with the sound of music.
00:32:40You gotta sing, folks.
00:32:41Time at that snack bar.
00:32:43Tex, you're not gonna sing.
00:32:45Uh-huh.
00:32:45But why throw a light-hearted song in at a time like this?
00:32:49Listen, let me tell you all about it.
00:32:51Take one grand little melody,
00:32:54write some cutesy lyrics and just paste them together.
00:32:57Oh, well, think of the royalties I'm makin'.
00:33:04And in a bit, yeah, I'll have a hit, hit, sub it.
00:33:13And you can bet I'll sell cassettes and CDs.
00:33:20Hey there, I'll write some DJs,
00:33:23and this little song of mine will climb up the charts now.
00:33:26Oh, well, think of the royalties I'm makin'.
00:33:33Who cares if it's good or not?
00:33:38Hey, it doesn't matter, really.
00:33:41Kids will buy anything, then charge it today.
00:33:47So, hey there, I've got a song here.
00:33:59Got some cutesy lyrics and I'll put em' together now.
00:34:03Oh, wow!
00:34:04Think of the royalties I'm gonna make.
00:34:08Do you get very many girls that way?
00:34:14No, but it kills three minutes.
00:34:16Castle Warlock, just ahead.
00:34:18Play.
00:34:30unky music
00:34:31F便i
00:34:32throwing
00:34:37You're welcome.
00:34:37Like, can you take me back?
00:34:39You're welcome.
00:34:39No.
00:34:41You're welcome.
00:34:41I'll never ask him.
00:34:42I'll never give him any time.
00:34:43I'll never give him any time.
00:34:44All right, girls, it's party time.
00:35:14Whoop, whoop, whoop.
00:35:20Castor, lock everybody out.
00:35:26Hey.
00:35:28Oh, man.
00:35:30Well, you're getting no tips from me.
00:35:32What's he feeding those horses?
00:35:34What frightened himself?
00:35:36It's as if a blind had settled over this land.
00:35:38Notice the singular lack of vegetation,
00:35:40the scarcity of animal life,
00:35:42the absence of major league sporting events.
00:35:44It's not much of a castle, really.
00:35:46Sure, it's the best they could afford on a budget.
00:36:06Maybe it's bingo night.
00:36:08Perhaps they can't hear us.
00:36:10Don't be ridiculous.
00:36:12We're making enough noise to raise the dead.
00:36:16You must leave this place at once.
00:36:18Look, I assure you, we are not Jehovah's witnesses.
00:36:20Lord Byron left strict instructions that he was to receive no visitors.
00:36:24Nonsense.
00:36:26I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, and I am expected.
00:36:28And I'm Maurice Orlach, and I'm also expected.
00:36:30And you?
00:36:32I'm Dexter Ward. I'm along for the comedy relief.
00:36:34How many relief?
00:36:35That's a matter of opinion.
00:36:36And what is your name, my good man?
00:36:38Stefan, sir.
00:36:39Well, Stefan, sir, I insist you show us inside.
00:36:42Well, that's what it looks like.
00:36:44I meant escort us in.
00:36:46Very well.
00:36:48Let it be on your heads.
00:36:50Well, let what be on our heads?
00:36:52Ender.
00:37:06Good.
00:37:07Would you look at this knife?
00:37:09You suppose our interior decorator is among the living?
00:37:12Ivan announced you to Lord Byron.
00:37:16I never met my uncle.
00:37:21As a matter of fact, I didn't even know I had one until I received a telegram.
00:37:26Well, I never met him either, but I understand he was the black sheep of the family.
00:37:30He was supposedly expelled from kindergarten for extreme brutality.
00:37:33Yeah, I think I went to school with him.
00:37:35According to Marinus, he banished Byron from the castle some time ago.
00:37:39Apparently, they had a violent disagreement over one particular book.
00:37:43A book?
00:37:44You don't have to recall the title, do you?
00:37:46Well, my memory's not quite what it used to be, but it was either the Book of Ulthar
00:37:51or the latest Jackie Collins novel.
00:37:53Does anybody know what happened to it?
00:37:54I would imagine both volumes are somewhere still here in the castle.
00:37:58Did you hear that, Marissa?
00:38:00Marissa?
00:38:01Marissa?
00:38:10Marissa, it's you.
00:38:11That's not me.
00:38:12I'm standing here.
00:38:13That's a painting of me.
00:38:14Must be an ancestor of mine.
00:38:17I wonder who she is.
00:38:19I don't know, but I doubt she had trouble finding a date on a Saturday night.
00:38:23Dexter, don't you know better than to put your hand on someone's shoulder in a spooky place like this?
00:38:44I'm sorry.
00:38:45I just wanted to show you something.
00:38:46There are a number of ways of attracting one's attention.
00:38:49Damn!
00:38:50I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:51Come on, you gotta check this out.
00:38:52Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:38:55Oh, God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:39:04Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:39:08We want to give you a kiss.
00:39:11Yes, dear cousin, come closer.
00:39:14I want to give you a big, wet, gooey one.
00:39:27Marissa, look out!
00:39:29Oh, my Lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:35That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:38If the moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:42Holly remembers staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:46Well, look at me. They're your relatives.
00:39:51I see the chandelier has fallen again.
00:39:56It always does that when we have guests.
00:40:04Lord Orlok?
00:40:06I am Byron Orlok.
00:40:08And you are welcome in my home.
00:40:11Yes, we've met your welcoming committee.
00:40:14Legally, the point of ownership has yet to be established.
00:40:17I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:20Then you have Malinus's masterwoman testament.
00:40:24Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:28An honor, sir. And you are Marissa?
00:40:31Yes.
00:40:32The family resemblance is truly astonishing.
00:40:36My condolences to you at this time, my dear.
00:40:41But I don't seem to recognize this young man.
00:40:44This is Dexter Ward, Uncle Byron. He's a friend.
00:40:47Of anyone in particular?
00:40:49Or just generally well-liked?
00:40:55Lord Orlok, we were just remarking on the amazing similarity between...
00:40:58...Marissa and the lady in that portrait.
00:41:01Ah.
00:41:03But first, Marissa Orlok.
00:41:06You are her namesake, my dear.
00:41:08I was hoping to find out more about my father, Uncle Byron.
00:41:11Well, there's not very much to tell.
00:41:13There was always a great deal of animosity between us.
00:41:17Even as a child, Malinus disapproved of my torturing small animals.
00:41:23Well, come now.
00:41:24You've had a long and tiring journey, no doubt.
00:41:29Permit me to show you to your rooms.
00:41:32Did you and my father ever straighten out your differences?
00:41:38Well, even towards the end, we didn't get along particularly well.
00:41:43His last letter to me began.
00:41:45Dear shithead.
00:41:47Yes.
00:41:48Sorry to hear that.
00:41:50You were born into a most remarkable family, my dear.
00:41:54These are but a few of our illustrious ancestors.
00:41:57This is Roderick Orlok.
00:42:01Thief.
00:42:02Drug addict.
00:42:03Professional assassin.
00:42:05And part-time used car sales.
00:42:13And this is Lenore Orlok.
00:42:16Blackmailer.
00:42:18Horrend.
00:42:20Murderous.
00:42:21And two-time president of the local PTA.
00:42:24She died in the madhouse.
00:42:29Is that hereditary?
00:42:34I'm sure this must be the best of the lot.
00:42:37Hans Orlok.
00:42:40Sodomist.
00:42:41Incest.
00:42:42Pedophile.
00:42:44And member of the Nixon administration.
00:42:46My wife's nostalgia.
00:42:47Stefan!
00:42:48Yes, my lord?
00:42:49Where'd he come from?
00:42:50Stefan automatically materializes whenever he's needed.
00:42:52I've never figured out quite how.
00:42:54Trade secret, my lord.
00:42:55Stefan.
00:42:56Gather their luggage.
00:42:57And take it to their room.
00:42:58Yes, my lord.
00:42:59He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:00Totally perplexing.
00:43:02Come with me.
00:43:03I'm sure.
00:43:04I'm sure.
00:43:05I'm sure.
00:43:06I'm sure.
00:43:07I'm sure.
00:43:08I'm sure.
00:43:09I'm sure.
00:43:10I'm sure.
00:43:11I'm sure.
00:43:12I'm sure.
00:43:13I'm sure.
00:43:14I'm sure.
00:43:15I'm sure.
00:43:17I'm sure.
00:43:18I'm sure.
00:43:19I'm sure.
00:43:20I'm sure.
00:43:21I'm sure.
00:43:22I'm sure.
00:43:23I'm sure.
00:43:24I'm sure.
00:43:25I'm sure.
00:43:26I'm sure.
00:43:27I'm sure.
00:43:28He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:29Totally perplexing.
00:43:30Come with me.
00:43:31You'll have a few hours to freshen up before the services.
00:43:32Services?
00:43:33For your father.
00:43:34Marinus Orlok's funeral will be held down stair.
00:43:37Precisely.
00:43:38At midnight.
00:43:39And it is a commonly held misconception that the undead can transform themselves into
00:43:50bats.
00:43:51Pure nonsense.
00:43:52True.
00:43:53They can change into frogs, flounders, outbarks, pelicans, baboons, and warthogs, but never
00:43:56bats.
00:43:58I say.
00:44:02Say you help me.
00:44:03I must leave this place.
00:44:04You're my only hope.
00:44:05Young woman.
00:44:06What seems to be the matter?
00:44:07Lord Orlok.
00:44:08He keeps me locked in this castle.
00:44:09He's taken everything away.
00:44:11My freedom.
00:44:12My vibrator.
00:44:13My traveler's checks.
00:44:15And I'll bet they weren't American Express.
00:44:18Oh, you must help me.
00:44:19You're my only hope.
00:44:20You must.
00:44:21There, there.
00:44:37No.
00:44:38Wow.
00:44:39Now, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, Wow.
00:44:42No between-meal snacks.
00:44:57Now, go to your room.
00:44:59You see, we do not get too many visitors to the castle.
00:45:03Difficult to imagine why.
00:45:06Lord Orlark.
00:45:08You have something on your mouth.
00:45:13Ah, too much ketchup on my french fries.
00:45:29Marissa?
00:45:33How did I know?
00:45:36Marissa?
00:45:41How did I know?
00:45:50Marissa?
00:45:59What is the meaning of this intrusion?
00:46:01I'm sorry, I'm looking for Marissa Orlark.
00:46:04Does that give you the right to burst into my room unannounced?
00:46:07No, no, I apologize for it.
00:46:10Hey, wait a minute.
00:46:13You're Boris Karloff, aren't you?
00:46:16Yes.
00:46:17Sure, I just saw you in that movie with Jack Nicholson, the terror.
00:46:22Forgive me for reviving painful memories.
00:46:25I don't believe me.
00:46:28Nobody's seen or heard of you since 1969.
00:46:32For 20 years, I've lived here alone.
00:46:35You're kidding me!
00:46:37Jeez, that, that, that drive me crazy.
00:46:40You think I'm mad, don't you?
00:46:43No, no.
00:46:45Hey, I've only been here an hour in this spook house,
00:46:48and I'm already starting to go to Looney Tunes.
00:46:50Ah.
00:46:51Perhaps we're both mad.
00:46:55Maybe.
00:46:57I gotta go, Boris.
00:47:00Try and get out more.
00:47:12So that's how they made all those movies.
00:47:21All right.
00:47:22Let's go, Boris.
00:47:23Have a great week.
00:47:25I think that's the most important thing.
00:47:27It's all about the view of Dr. Harry.
00:47:29We've got some plans for the fact that you've killed me now.
00:47:32I think it was good.
00:47:34All right.
00:47:35I'm here.
00:47:38I'm here.
00:47:40I'm here.
00:47:42I'm here.
00:47:44There you go.
00:47:46There you're already,
00:47:47there's a place on that.
00:47:48Hello?
00:48:16Hello?
00:48:17Here, here.
00:48:25Oh, God.
00:48:26Well, no one ever said I was handsome, ma'am.
00:48:29What are you doing here?
00:48:30Merely standing here ominously, ma'am.
00:48:33Does that displease you?
00:48:35I didn't hear you come in.
00:48:36Don't you believe in announcing yourself?
00:48:38Oh, very well.
00:48:39You're stepping.
00:48:42Well, what do you want, then?
00:48:44Oh, yes.
00:48:45Lord Byron sent me with some good news and some bad news.
00:48:49Oh, what's the bad news?
00:48:51Master Marinus is still dead.
00:48:54Well, what's the good news?
00:48:56Hmm.
00:48:57There is no good news, ma'am.
00:49:01Oh, yes.
00:49:02There's no good news, ma'am.
00:49:04Oh, no, no.
00:49:05Oh, no.
00:49:07You're gonna get better now.
00:49:10Ah, come, Alicia.
00:49:30I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:33These are my adoptive daughters, Patty.
00:49:36Maxine and Laverne.
00:49:43We've met.
00:49:45Now for a final tribute to Marinus.
00:49:49Stéphane will play his favorite musical recording.
00:49:53Hit it.
00:50:06Stéphane will play with her.
00:50:36It's an old family custom.
00:50:44Now, if the doctor and your young friend will assist Stéphane and I, we'll take the coffin below.
00:50:50Below?
00:50:50Yes, all the Orlok's are interred in the family crypt beneath the castle.
00:50:58Where else?
00:50:59I don't like this.
00:51:06What's that?
00:51:19A rubber bat.
00:51:21We keep them down here for atmosphere.
00:51:24Pull it up, Ego.
00:51:26Hey, what's that noise?
00:51:30Rubber rats, no doubt.
00:51:32No, it's coming from inside the coffin.
00:51:35Muscular contractions.
00:51:37Not uncommon after death.
00:51:39Muscular contractions?
00:51:41This guy's doing the train.
00:51:42He found a workout in here.
00:51:43Allow me to assure you, Marinus Orlok is dead.
00:51:49Oh, you've assured me, and I want to try convincing him.
00:51:52As I was saying, Marinus has taken his place with the rest of our family.
00:51:56And now I await my turn to share their endless nights of eternal darkness.
00:52:06Gee, it's a little like looking forward to Christmas, isn't it?
00:52:12Now, in accordance with your father's last wish, we shall view the will.
00:52:16View?
00:52:17Apparently, Marinus videotaped his last will and testament.
00:52:20I suppose you might call it the late show.
00:52:26You know, call me frivolous, but you ever wonder what a nice Peruvian tile would look like in here?
00:52:40Maybe not.
00:52:51Hello.
00:52:52I, Marinus Orlok, being of sound mind,
00:52:56and in full possession of my mental faculties,
00:52:59herewith declare my last will and testament.
00:53:04But let this not be a somber occasion.
00:53:07Come on, kiddies!
00:53:09Let's have some fun!
00:53:10Whoa-ho-ho!
00:53:13Hooray!
00:53:14QM will compete for a fortune in dance and prizes on the Newly Dead Games!
00:53:20And now, here's your host for the Newly Dead Games, the late but irrepressible,
00:53:26Marinus Orlok!
00:53:27Hey, Marinus!
00:53:28Come on down!
00:53:29Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:53:31Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
00:53:33Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:53:35Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
00:53:39Thank you!
00:53:40Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:53:41Thank you, friends and airs.
00:53:43But first, let us meet our two contestants.
00:53:47That's right, Marinus.
00:53:48She's a singer, musician, and composer living in Los Angeles, California.
00:53:52Let's hear it for Marissa Orlok!
00:53:56Contestant number two currently resides in Transylvania.
00:54:00His hobbies include stamp collecting, leather craft, and necrophilia.
00:54:04Ladies and gentlemen, Byron Orlok!
00:54:07Now, I know that Marissa and Byron are both in our viewing audience tonight,
00:54:16so let's take a look at their wonderful prizes.
00:54:19It's a castle!
00:54:21Yes, it's Castle Orlok, one of the most dreaded places on Earth.
00:54:25This stately matter comes complete with antique furnishings and an ancient family curse.
00:54:29But wait, that's not all.
00:54:31You'll also receive this Swiss bank account.
00:54:34Total retail value of the portable prize.
00:54:37Seven and a half million dollars!
00:54:40And now, it's time for you, right here in our studio audience,
00:54:45to pick the winner with your applause.
00:54:48Ladies and gentlemen, who will receive this fabulous estate?
00:54:53Is it to be contestant number one, Marissa?
00:54:56Marissa?
00:54:59Or will it be contestant number two?
00:55:02And the winner is Marissa Orlok!
00:55:09But no one walks away a loser.
00:55:13Johnny, tell Byron about his consolation prize.
00:55:19It's a matching set of Transylvanian tourister luggage.
00:55:22Yes, Byron, you'll probably have to leave the castle now.
00:55:25So here are the bags to send you on your way.
00:55:27And everyone will receive a copy of our home game for playing with family and friends.
00:55:34That's the newly dead game from Parker Bradley, Inc.
00:55:38And now, on to our bonus round.
00:55:41Hidden somewhere in the castle, some lucky viewer may find the Book of Ulta.
00:55:49Is that a book?
00:55:51Now let's take a look at our bonus prize clue.
00:55:55If anyone in our viewing audience can solve the mystery clue,
00:56:01the Book of Ulta could be yours.
00:56:06And that's all our time tonight on the newly dead game.
00:56:12For now, this is your host, Marissa Orlok, saying
00:56:16goodnight and goodbye, kiddies!
00:56:25Oh, Uncle Byron, I can tell you're upset.
00:56:33Congratulations, my dear.
00:56:35I know you'll be quite happy at Castle Orlok.
00:56:40As long as you live.
00:56:47I will have the...
00:56:49Book.
00:56:55He didn't take that very well, did he?
00:57:02Oh, hell, I don't even want this place.
00:57:04Uncle Byron can have it.
00:57:05I think he was a little more concerned about the Book of Ulta.
00:57:08Then I'd say it's imperative you get your hands on that book before he does.
00:57:12Oh, right.
00:57:13I only have three little problems, pal.
00:57:16One, I don't know where it is.
00:57:17Two, I don't know where to look.
00:57:18And three, I have no idea what that clue meant.
00:57:21Then perhaps we should ask someone who does.
00:57:26Marinus Orlok himself.
00:57:44The spirit world is trouble tonight.
00:57:47This seance could be dangerous.
00:57:48Do you think we'll be able to reach my father?
00:57:51Perhaps.
00:57:52Can't you feel it?
00:57:53Death is nearby.
00:57:56Do we have to do this now?
00:57:57I think the night rates are lower.
00:57:59Everyone, join hands.
00:58:03With each other.
00:58:07Now everyone, concentrate.
00:58:08Oh, spirit world, we reach out for you.
00:58:13Do you wish to receive us?
00:58:15If so, give us some sort of sign.
00:58:20I think that's a no.
00:58:25Maybe.
00:58:26But we must press on.
00:58:28Oh, spirit world, we seek audience with Marinus Orlok.
00:58:32Send us a guide that we may find him.
00:58:38What's he doing?
00:58:39He's channeling.
00:58:43Wait a minute.
00:58:44Wrong channel.
00:58:46This is ridiculous.
00:58:48This is absolutely absurd.
00:58:54Doctor, who have we reached?
00:58:55Well, it ain't Howard Hughes, ma'am.
00:58:57Are you our guide to the spirit world?
00:58:59Uh-huh.
00:59:00That's right, sir.
00:59:02Just a couple of things I want to get out right up front.
00:59:04Speak, spirit.
00:59:05Well, first of all,
00:59:06just found out all my money's still good up here,
00:59:08so have RCA send all my back royalties to me.
00:59:10And second,
00:59:11tell them gumsuckers at the Enquirer
00:59:12that I really am dead.
00:59:14I go through circulation.
00:59:16Wait a minute.
00:59:17Wait a minute.
00:59:18I'll be with a spirit.
00:59:20It's a little stronger than the rest.
00:59:21I'm fading away.
00:59:23I'm fading away.
00:59:24I can feel myself fading away.
00:59:27And don't forget to keep buying my albums.
00:59:29And now,
00:59:31the end is...
00:59:32Ladies and gentlemen,
00:59:38Elvis has left the body.
00:59:55Hello.
00:59:55Marissa?
01:00:01Marissa, are you okay?
01:00:02Keep away!
01:00:04Marissa, what's wrong?
01:00:05Your mother sells socks in hell.
01:00:07My mother does what?
01:00:09She's obviously possessed.
01:00:11You're right, Doc.
01:00:12I haven't seen anything like this
01:00:14since they canceled Star Search.
01:00:15Well, that does it for this jacket.
01:00:38Cream the mint.
01:00:39Dexamonite, are you all right?
01:00:44Never felt better.
01:00:47Marissa?
01:00:48Marissa, are you okay?
01:00:50I am the Lady Marissa.
01:00:54Her ancestor?
01:00:56What do you want with Marissa?
01:00:57Byron Orlok must not gain possession of that book.
01:01:01I alone have the power to challenge him.
01:01:04This body shall serve as my dwelling.
01:01:06I think it's already occupied.
01:01:09Fall!
01:01:11You know not what horrors you face.
01:01:14The evil one waits beyond.
01:01:17Beyond where?
01:01:18The evil one waits...
01:01:22...beyond.
01:01:22Quickly, we must perform an emergency exorcism.
01:01:27Fortunately, I took that in my first aid class.
01:01:29And I wasted time on mouth-to-mouthers hesitation.
01:01:31Hold it tightly, lad.
01:01:32Evil spirit.
01:01:34I cast you out!
01:01:35Be gone.
01:01:36Depart.
01:01:37Withdraw.
01:01:37Take off.
01:01:38Get lost.
01:01:38Get the lid out.
01:01:38Hit the road, Jack.
01:01:39I'm scray!
01:01:41Huh?
01:01:42Marissa?
01:01:43What happened?
01:01:44Oh, not much.
01:01:45We just met another family member, that's all.
01:01:48I don't understand.
01:01:49Come, Dexter.
01:01:49She needs rest.
01:01:50We could all use a little sleep.
01:01:52Sleep?
01:01:53In this place?
01:01:55It's all the same to you, Jack.
01:01:56I think I'll stay here and watch the rest of Carson.
01:01:59It's getting a little weird, a little strange.
01:02:08What's going on up at that cursed castle?
01:02:11Tell me that!
01:02:12No one knows.
01:02:13No one wants to know.
01:02:14I want to know.
01:02:16Gentlemen!
01:02:17Gentlemen!
01:02:17Gentlemen!
01:02:18Byron Orlark is in that castle, and he's brought death and destruction with him.
01:02:25Now, Orlark can stay, but death and destruction have got to go.
01:02:29Yeah!
01:02:31God knows what unholy rites he's performing there.
01:02:34Meanwhile, we sit here like sheep.
01:02:36Yeah!
01:02:38All this evil must end!
01:02:40Yeah!
01:02:40What do we do about it?
01:02:42Let him go on with his black magic, or send him back to the hell he came from?
01:02:47Yeah!
01:02:49Can you put that to a vote?
01:02:50Oh, why bother?
01:02:51They're all in this together, those Americans and that Van Helsing fellow.
01:02:54I say we go up there, destroy Byron Orlark, burn down the castle, and kill everyone inside.
01:03:01Yeah!
01:03:03Wait a minute.
01:03:05I'd rather go up there, destroy Byron Orlark, but leave the castle intact.
01:03:08No, no, no.
01:03:09Let's burn the castle.
01:03:10Kill everyone inside.
01:03:12But let Byron Orlark be.
01:03:14All right, all right, all right.
01:03:14Who's for destroying Byron Orlark?
01:03:17Yeah!
01:03:18Right, you are group one going to back there.
01:03:21Now, who would like to burn down the castle?
01:03:23Yeah!
01:03:25Right, you are group two over here.
01:03:27And finally, who would just like to kill everyone inside?
01:03:31Yeah!
01:03:32Yes, yes, you four are there, right there.
01:03:35What about you, Hans?
01:03:36I'm still considering all me options.
01:03:39Oh, come with us, Hans.
01:03:40Think of the fun we'll have burning down the castle.
01:03:43Oh, come with us.
01:03:47We're going to have more fun killing everyone inside.
01:03:49I just don't know.
01:03:52Never mind.
01:03:53You make up your mind when you get there.
01:03:56All right.
01:03:58Take tortures, weapons, anything you can carry.
01:04:02Come on, guys.
01:04:03Let's get a real inch more mentality going here.
01:04:08Are you?
01:04:09Let's marry.
01:04:10Hey, fellas, wait up.
01:04:27They're all on their rails.
01:04:36Or in their coffins.
01:04:38Listen, Marissa, I have to find that book.
01:04:41Even if I'm being searching this entire castle from top to bottom.
01:04:44So, you stay here.
01:04:45Oh, no, you're not leaving me behind.
01:04:47I'm here with three homicidal cousins,
01:04:49one lumbering butler,
01:04:50and an uncle who turns off the television with a bazooka launcher.
01:04:53Yeah, wait till you meet my relatives.
01:04:54Do you ever consider the fact that they're really trying to scare you?
01:04:57Yes, and they're doing a fine job.
01:04:59From now on, we stick together.
01:05:01And after this is over,
01:05:02we stay together then?
01:05:04Is that it for possible?
01:05:05Well, hopefully for more of a proposition.
01:05:07You want to hear something funny?
01:05:09What?
01:05:09I could really go for a guy like you.
01:05:12You want to hear something funnier?
01:05:13What?
01:05:14I could really go for you.
01:05:16You're right.
01:05:17That is funny.
01:05:18What?
01:05:18What?
01:05:18What?
01:05:18What?
01:05:19What?
01:05:19What?
01:05:20Trick-or-treat.
01:05:48Creature of evil, be gone!
01:05:51What are you, some kind of religious nut?
01:05:54Stand back, lest I cast your soul into eternal perdition.
01:05:58You're taking this whole thing far too seriously.
01:06:00Uh, crucifix, it doesn't repel you?
01:06:04Not particularly.
01:06:06Besides, this whole thing is only a dream sequence.
01:06:10A dream sequence?
01:06:11Take my word for it.
01:06:13It's only a dream.
01:06:14You shouldn't have had those anchovies at dinner.
01:06:16Well, then I guess I'm in no immediate peril.
01:06:20Not exactly.
01:06:21You see, whatever happens in a dream could also be happening in real life.
01:06:26I see.
01:06:28Well, in that case...
01:06:29You're right.
01:06:31You're up to your neck in trouble.
01:06:32Ow.
01:07:01Ow.
01:07:01hmm one could acquire a taste for this stuff
01:07:12is it just me or are things getting weird no it's just you
01:07:23here you hang on these i'll trip over the furniture for a while
01:07:27hey what's behind this door i think i'd rather have this behind the curtain
01:07:32oh my goodness it looks just like yeah 3d wow this is wild look dex
01:07:43put on your 3d glasses now did you bring them i thought you had them i don't have them
01:07:49damn too bad this this could have been a great sequence
01:07:53what kind of nutty family did i get my life born into
01:07:56oh relax will you
01:07:58i'll flip you to see your face first
01:08:11you've played a good game boy
01:08:16now your time has come marissa duck
01:08:21a swing and a miss on dexter ward i'll tell you it's a great night for a baseball game i'm stew
01:08:35nahan and we're here at the castle orlock now dexter's having a great year he's hitting 498 i'll tell you
01:08:42that's a big batting average four home runs something like 49 rbis and 16 stolen bases
01:08:48all right here's the wind up
01:08:51and the pitch
01:08:53there's a deep drive going out to right field lebevsky going back
01:08:57he's at the track he's at the wall
01:08:59my gosh it's out of here
01:09:01forward man we must not falter in our purpose
01:09:21what is it
01:09:32it's in the some sort of supernatural sphere or the damnedest christmas ornament i've ever seen
01:09:37or what will we do now
01:09:38hop is down
01:09:39i'm down he's out
01:09:40well let's get hop up
01:09:41hand full
01:09:42sure but i can still help
01:09:44or let's get the wheel laddy up on his feet
01:09:45help me with his hands hands
01:09:47which hands
01:09:48his hands
01:09:51oh no
01:09:52oh there no
01:09:53there no
01:09:53are you all right
01:09:54am i who am i what film is this
01:09:57off he's coming too
01:09:59oh yes i remember you
01:10:00hands off
01:10:02if you say so
01:10:03you know maybe we should just call it and i've been through enough already
01:10:09you can't be it's keeping me going as well as nervous energy
01:10:12hang on
01:10:12we've looked upstairs we've looked downstairs
01:10:15we've looked everywhere except
01:10:17wait a minute
01:10:19that's it
01:10:21that's gotta be it
01:10:22come on
01:10:23what's it
01:10:26what's gotta be it
01:10:27oh look look she's been pointing the way the whole time
01:10:29i don't see anything
01:10:31yeah sure look
01:10:32doorway to the crypt
01:10:36come on
01:10:37it's gotta be here
01:10:56marissa
01:10:57marissa
01:10:59come on
01:11:03bye
01:11:03oh
01:11:05bye
01:11:06bye
01:11:06bye
01:11:16TIM
01:11:21how
01:11:22all
01:11:23the
01:11:24of
01:11:24oh
01:11:25guys
01:11:25come on
01:11:26see
01:11:26there
01:11:26well
01:11:26still
01:11:27you
01:11:27I did take it with him, but where'd he go?
01:11:52Daddy will be so proud.
01:11:57Good laugh would be worth a lot of money right now.
01:12:15Ah, young man.
01:12:17From the first moment I did not recognize you, I knew you would lead us to this book.
01:12:22How can I ever repay you?
01:12:24U.S. currency, large unmarked bills, thank you.
01:12:27No, I'm afraid you'll never have the opportunity to spend it.
01:12:31That's reassuring.
01:12:33Why is that book so important to you anyway?
01:12:36I've been seeking this volume for nearly 50 years.
01:12:41But now, finally, it's mine.
01:12:47And what do you intend to do with it?
01:12:49Contained within this volume are the mystic incantations, which can summon forth the evil one.
01:12:58Once again, the forces of darkness shall reign complete and utter chaos.
01:13:06Why would you want to do that?
01:13:11Because I'm evil.
01:13:13Haven't you figured that out yet?
01:13:21Ben Helsing, you've got to stop him!
01:13:24There are several distinct advantages to being a vampire, dear boy.
01:13:32Oh, ancient evil one.
01:13:35Hear these mystic incantations.
01:13:38And come forth!
01:13:40What does it mean to you?
01:13:41Hope there's balls!
01:13:43Ta-da-da-roa!
01:13:44Ha-pa-oo!
01:13:45Yeah!
01:13:46Ha-pa-wa-mow!
01:13:47Ha-pa-wa-wah!
01:13:49Ha-pa-wa-wa-wah!
01:13:50Ha-pa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!
01:13:52I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:13:55Here, I got the feeder!
01:14:06I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:14:09Fire on our luck!
01:14:19Ah, Lady Marissa, you've come back.
01:14:22And in time for my greatest triumph.
01:14:26I came back to stop you, Byron.
01:14:29You started as a wicked child, grew to a malevolent young man,
01:14:33and now you're a vicious, vile adult.
01:14:38But you can't blame a guy for trying.
01:14:40I should have never sent you to that progressive school.
01:14:44But now it's finally time to take things in hand.
01:14:48And I have a few scores to settle with you, Beyond.
01:14:52Van Helsing, what are you doing? You're supposed to be one of them.
01:14:54Just because you're a vampire, that doesn't make you a bad person.
01:14:58I have absolute power over the evil one.
01:15:02At last, all mankind shall grovel at my feet.
01:15:06And even you, Lady Marissa, will bow and beg my mercy.
01:15:12You know, Byron, you're really starting to piss me off.
01:15:18Oh.
01:15:20Well adieu, then.
01:15:22Even...
01:15:24to the death.
01:15:25to the death.
01:15:35Hey, Orlok!
01:15:42Oh boy.
01:15:48Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:15:52Yes.
01:15:53You fools!
01:15:54You fools!
01:15:55I'll be back in part two!
01:15:56You fools!
01:15:57I'll be back in part two!
01:15:58You fools!
01:15:59You fools!
01:16:00I'll be back in part two!
01:16:03Dexter!
01:16:04No!
01:16:05You fools!
01:16:06I'll be back in part two!
01:16:10You fools, you fools! I'll be back in part two!
01:16:32Dexter, what's going on here?
01:16:34Marissa, I was hoping you could tell me!
01:16:40Oh, that sound! It's horrible!
01:16:43Yeah, it's even worse than my song!
01:16:46Look!
01:16:54Crazy!
01:17:00My God!
01:17:02It's the evil one! Come forth to conquer the world!
01:17:10Bad housing? What are we gonna do?
01:17:12Don't ask me, dear fellow. Vampires I know, but this love crap stuff is out of my league!
01:17:26Marissa?
01:17:30Marissa?
01:17:31She's being possessed!
01:17:32Again?
01:17:33Yes! She's being repossessed!
01:17:36Sorry, folks.
01:17:38To save yourselves, you must destroy the Book of Ulthar!
01:17:42You're kidding!
01:17:43Destroy it!
01:17:44Or this body will never put out for you!
01:17:48You got it, lady!
01:17:49You got it, lady!
01:17:51Oh!
01:17:53Oh!
01:17:54Oh!
01:17:56No!
01:17:58No!
01:18:00No!
01:18:01No!
01:18:03No!
01:18:07No, no!
01:18:08No!
01:18:09No!
01:18:10No!
01:18:12No!
01:18:13No!
01:18:14No!
01:18:15dexter my good fellow are you all right i think so i sure could have used a stunt double though
01:18:28for a moment we thought you weren't gonna make it you better get him back to the castle i'll
01:18:32take care of things here hey wait a minute duck you're a vampire now what are you gonna do
01:18:38oh they're not a bad sword really mostly misunderstood besides i always wanted to
01:18:43see how the other half lived if that's the right word well you two run along
01:18:48maybe we can turn this place into a trailer park
01:18:57what do you think you think this is a good look for me oh do you ever stop oh come on miss maris
01:19:09tomorrow's gonna be great hey things will look a lot differently in the morning it's never
01:19:14morning around here since one endless night
01:19:17believe this it's the same everywhere you miss one lousy payment and they shut the power
01:19:25and you weren't dead after how no my dear i suffer from cataleptic spells which give the appearance of death
01:19:46why did you leave home without any word a family legacy it is the responsibility of the eldest child
01:19:54to guard the dimensional gateway on our land hey come on now all's well it ends well huh
01:20:01i mean the book's gone and so's old bald bearing head over there
01:20:04yeah good riddance to bad rubbish
01:20:06daddy a lot of strange things happen around here
01:20:10well you'll get used to it it is your responsibility now as the eldest child you are obliged to stay here
01:20:18and prevent access of the evil one as for me i'm gonna go trout fishing in canada
01:20:26daddy i have a career i've got a record album and a video due out by the end of the year
01:20:32hey i got an idea why don't we put on a show right here sweetie what's this guy
01:20:42you don't want to know i don't want to know
01:20:46i heard your voice thought it was a dream so many faces don't know what's real
01:21:01i'm screaming in the night how can i know what's wrong or right
01:21:09tell me is it true none of us cast reflections in mirrors yes it makes it a real bitch putting on makeup every night
01:21:30what's that for i wanted the movie to end with a bang
01:21:42i think it's going to
01:21:46turn it to the left
01:21:50turn it to the left put up the fight i'm upside down you know it's not right
01:21:59so crazy and concerned i'm hanging by my heart
01:22:03which way to turn
01:22:06a heart in the middle of love
01:22:10Maybe you know, you're part of the middle of love
01:22:16Maybe you know, you're part of the middle of love
01:22:23How many times did I cry?
01:22:30Come up on you no matter what I try
01:22:33Talk to me baby, say what I wanna hear
01:22:36I told you we should have asked for instructions at that last Arco station
01:23:00Never mind, where are we?
01:23:02Somewhere between Omaha and Minsk
01:23:04And where is the Castle Orlok?
01:23:06According to this map, we should be in the living room right now
01:23:09Something is wrong here
01:23:11No wonder, this is a map of the Dominican Republic
01:23:16Man, I say we give up, forget everything and go home
01:23:24Or wait a minute, I say we give up, forget everything but not go home
01:23:29No, no, we should forget everything, go home but never give up
01:23:35I'll make it compromise, you'll give up, go home, but remember everything
01:23:40Can we put that to a ghost?
01:23:42Can we put that to a ghost?
01:23:42I'll make it happen, probably would be here
01:23:43Can we put that to a ghost?
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