- 2 days ago
"Can You Pay First? I’ll Pay You Back."
We’ve all heard that line and sometimes the money just never returns. So what do you do? Do you ask for it back, or just keep quiet and hope they remember?
We’ve all heard that line and sometimes the money just never returns. So what do you do? Do you ask for it back, or just keep quiet and hope they remember?
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00:00maybe they asked for money for the essentials but in reality you are giving the money for the
00:05luxury yeah and that makes me feel icky yeah yeah so essentially like i'm funding
00:10your entertainment yeah yeah and if they bought something let's say a bit more expensive a bit
00:15more luxurious i would feel like why why are you doing that i know it's bad i mean it's almost to
00:19an extent like i don't want you to i don't want to see you enjoying your life too much if you need
00:24to borrow but it's not about that yeah it's not about that if let's say 500 ringgit i will give
00:28it to them and if you don't pay it back then to me 500 ringgit is not a big cost to understand like
00:34what kind of person that is right i mean if your finances are looking really tight honestly you are
00:39also in no position to lend money if that person blocked me it would justify my decision not to
00:44lend it yeah absolutely what's up guys welcome back to another episode of the money goal today i have
00:55Yasmin with me hello Yasmin welcome back thanks for having me back okay what do you have today i hope
01:02it's not something uh bad um not necessarily bad but i think it's a bit awkward okay yeah um so i was
01:11hoping to talk to you about what to do when and or if a family or a friend asks to borrow money okay
01:22um you just run away and end the relationship right i'm joking um yeah i've had a few instances um
01:32whereby someone's you know borrowed money from me and i never saw it again okay and i think that's
01:40really really awkward yeah but um like how do you i guess like spot red flags like because obviously
01:46you know people who borrow money for the most part they will return it right or rather you because
01:52you you lend money to people that you trust so you kind of hope that you see it again but like in
01:58certain cases you don't see it again yeah so like are there certain like red flags i guess we should
02:04be looking out okay so i don't have any red flags because okay i haven't lent out a lot of money i've only
02:09lent out to family that's it for like a very temporary thing right um i don't have any red flags because
02:14whenever i lend money uh it's with the assumption that i'm not getting it back yeah yeah yeah okay
02:19maybe immediate family members i would lend them money and i do expect to get it back i know oh
02:24interesting yeah this is like immediate family members i know like you know oh i'm just trying
02:30to withdraw some money from a money market fund or something i just need some cash now i know they'll
02:33give it to me back um but whenever i'm thinking about it from a more extended family or from a friend
02:39perspective uh i expect not to get it back so there are no red flags it's just a matter of am
02:45i willing to give you this amount of money at all yeah right um yeah because like i i have that same
02:52mindset um i'm the kind of person like usually like when i lend someone money i immediately have
02:59the assumption of it's okay if like i don't they don't pay it back yeah i don't get it back and that's
03:04totally fine but what starts to irk me is when someone like constantly asks for money and you see
03:13them doing other things with yeah um with their with well with the money the little bit that they
03:20have so it's like how are you prioritizing your life right now that you can't pay for this and you
03:26need to borrow money from me for this but then like you can go out and do like all that yeah i know i
03:31know i think i've read a lot of these stories as well okay so it's never happened to me but i've
03:35read stories of this um where someone lent a friend money and then they asked for the money back and
03:40they're like oh i don't have the money to pay you back now um and then they see basically posts of
03:45them going on holidays and stuff like that which i guess is a bit weird right like i feel like okay
03:51if i were to borrow money one day that would be number one priority like i would pay it back for
03:54sure i feel like it's so weird to uh owe people money especially friends right if you owe the bank money
04:00i mean that's a different thing you were sorted out of the bank whatever but we're friends
04:04yeah yeah i think that's so awkward and like yeah i've had a few situations where um i've lent money
04:13to people and then like you know on their instagram story like i see them you know out for like lunch
04:20out for dinner and that kind of stuff and um and the money that i was lending them was supposedly for
04:29essentials so um i'm not going to go into too much details but um i've never confronted any of
04:38these people before um it's just that i know for like you know the future i don't lend them any money
04:45because like it makes me feel like i don't know i felt like i was used i guess um and like it makes me
04:53question obviously like how were you able to go do a b c d e but you can't like you know tackle fg and
05:06h yeah which um if comparing like the two right like the stuff that i was lending the money for
05:14were the essentials the basics yeah like the basics but then the other stuff that they were
05:19doing um it was literally just for like entertainment purposes yeah lifestyle stuff i mean honestly i
05:27guess in this scenario maybe they asked for money for the essentials but in reality you are giving
05:33the money for the luxury yeah and that makes me feel icky yeah it's like how is it that like i'm so
05:39essentially like i'm funding your entertainment yeah yeah yeah you're more luxurious like yeah
05:44and that sucks even more considering you don't spend that much money yourself yeah yeah right it
05:49makes it even worse right yeah i think a lot of people maybe they get accustomed to a certain
05:54lifestyle maybe you know they have a variable income and stuff they get accustomed to a certain
05:57lifestyle and when that income is no longer there they just can't give it up so maybe for your friend
06:03eating out at nice places is a necessity i mean i've also had a um a situation where um
06:11i was lending money to this like one person um it seems like you lend money a lot yeah so if anyone
06:17needs a loan i am essentially a red flag i'm part of the problem because i allow it to happen to me you
06:22enable it yes i do enable it um so i also have like this one situation where okay this person like i'm
06:28i'm not in contact with them anymore i'm not friends with them anymore but like a couple years back
06:33um i was lending them quite a bit because i was always like i always used to pick up their phone
06:40calls and they would you know they would say to me like i'm really struggling to put food on the table
06:46like um all my money is like going towards my education and even then like i'm really struggling to
06:53like afford my education and like i used to feel really sorry a lot right when you hear stories like
06:58that like naturally you feel really bad and you want to help wherever you can because you care um
07:04but then like it started getting really really um sus because again i used to see this person also
07:13like going out for like their own entertainment and eventually after i cut them off i started hearing
07:20stories from actually like other people around this person saying that essentially this person would
07:28guilt trip them with the exact same thing and some of them have even gone so far as to like literally
07:36like fly this person out um because they used to like complain about how sad and like depressed they
07:44were and like they were they used to say like oh my god all my friends are like overseas like i wish that
07:49you know i was with them and i'd be so much happier if i was with them so like in a way like they got
07:55scammed even more than i did but like it was crazy to see like the network of like
08:01pity he had built for um yeah it's a full-time job probably literally i i feel like it's so i don't
08:08know and the thing is like this person this person i felt never helped themselves either um so this
08:17person never had like a part-time job this person literally just like sat at home did absolutely nothing
08:24to like help his situation um and again he would prioritize really strange things over
08:31you know something like putting food on the table yeah yeah so i feel like there's one thing that
08:36i cannot do i don't know if it's like a bad thing but i feel like someone wanted to borrow money from me
08:42my expectation is that they are really just spending on the necessities and if they bought something
08:48that's a bit more expensive a bit more luxurious i would feel like
08:51like why why are you doing that i know it's bad i mean it's almost to an extent like
08:57i don't want you to i don't want to see you enjoying your life too much if you need to borrow
09:01but it's not about that right it's not about that it's just that like especially if we're like
09:06lending that money and you like you want to know that that money is actually going towards something
09:11that's yeah that's true that's right so i guess you know we've like shared a few stories now
09:17like how do we go about because it's so awkward um so like i don't know how have you gone about it
09:25because for me because it's awkward i literally i'd rather have no confrontation if i see the money i
09:31see the money if i don't see the money then whatever lie you know then at least like i know in the future
09:36i just don't yeah lend any money i i find it super awkward to ask for money back as well that's
09:42that's one of the reasons why i don't want to lend money because i don't want to ask for it yeah yeah
09:46so okay a lot smaller scale but for example even when we go out to eat with friends at the mamak
09:52let's say right and then i pay for the bill first usually i'll just take a picture of the receipt
09:56send it to everyone and i don't ask for it you know like if you're gonna pay me you pay me if you
10:01don't pay me then i mean like that's a bit weird but whatever whatever yeah so i don't like to ask for
10:06money back as well so i tend not to lend money thankfully i haven't had a lot of requests a lot of my
10:12family and friends i think i'm doing pretty all right as well but one thing that i've always
10:16thought about uh but i've never done before because the situation just never arise but it's always in
10:21my mind where if let's say a close family member or close friend wanted to borrow money and it's not
10:28like a huge amount let's say a few hundred ringgit i'm thinking that i would do it i'll just give it to
10:32them um assuming that i will never get the money back of course so if i'm struggling i wouldn't give
10:38it up but if let's say 500 ringgit i will give it to them and if you don't pay it back then
10:42to me 500 ringgit is not a big cost to understand like what kind of person that is right rather than
10:50prolonging the relationship over years and decades and stuff and then eventually things just at least
10:57early on if you can't repay 500 ringgit i mean that's a show of character to me yeah yeah so i've
11:03always thought about that but i mean the situation just never never came yet right i will try it one
11:07day though right right yeah i mean so far yeah i've i've been exactly like you as well like i've
11:14really just like left it like i would send a receipt or like whatever and like yeah if if the
11:21person pays me back then like they pay me back if not then they don't yeah but i think what you're
11:27saying is is true as well because i mean there are people as well who you know they're okay to like
11:33pester right um you know every week they'll be like hey like yeah are you gonna send me the money
11:41that kind of thing there are people who are like that and like power to you um i like i i think we
11:46feel a bit more awkward about it yeah um and at the same time like i understand that it's coming from
11:51like a place of privilege it's because we also have that you know if we're lending that money i think
11:57we understand that we we do have that money to lend yeah right um if you're looking i mean if your
12:05finances are looking really tight honestly you are also in no position to lend money exactly yeah i think
12:11that's also why maybe some people do pester it's maybe because they end up lending money that they
12:16actually need it yeah um you know sometimes if it's especially okay friends aside maybe if it's
12:23like family that's i feel like even harder because like it's because it's family right so like how do
12:28you almost like say no because then it becomes like a guilt trippy thing right yeah well you don't
12:33want to help like your family like we've done so much for you or like whatever right so yeah i was
12:40actually gonna say the exact same thing i acknowledge that i think both of us we are probably a bit more
12:45comfortable financially that we can afford to lose that money yeah like you said if you guys really need
12:51that cash yeah i know that a lot of people a lot of malaysians especially are a lot more kind-hearted
12:56right like you want to help other people yeah it's a lot more we feel like we're a collective we're a
13:01community so i want to help people out but i mean as always with finances i always say this if you
13:07are extremely tight if you cannot afford not having this it's better to just say no right there's no
13:12point losing money and the friendship you may as well just lose the friendship i think i think so too
13:17yeah i know i think so too and i think like what you said as well i totally agree like
13:21if you yeah lend this like big amount and they don't get it back like the price you essentially
13:26have to pay to figure out that like that friendship is not worth it and what kind of character that they
13:32are yeah that you know that's the price you have to pay and and i actually have a story as well so
13:38i feel like some people who borrow money or who are looking to borrow money
13:41it's a bit weird okay so i have this story where a friend um basically a very distant relative right
13:49asked for some money like a thousand bucks or something to fix your car and stuff and when my
13:56friend didn't want to give the money like says oh uh sorry i'm a bit tight right now i cannot give
14:01you that thousand ringgit the relative just blocked her i was like that's crazy yeah i mean okay first of
14:08all if that person blocked me it would justify my decision not to lend it yeah absolutely because i
14:14think some people are like this where they really just see you as a money yeah a bank account basically
14:20and i think it's especially true if you grew up in a less fortunate sort of background where a lot of
14:26family members are not doing so well off and then you are the one who does well i think it's very
14:30common for people to start going towards you and i know i've seen this a lot actually people who grew
14:34up in kampongs and stuff like that and then they out of all their siblings are doing the best they
14:38are the ones that get pressured the most to lend money or in this sense actually give money because
14:44i mean yeah you're not yeah yeah the lending you'll never see the money again yeah and and it's tough
14:50for these people but you know if you can afford it if you really love your family if these are people
14:54that you really care about then yeah by all means but not at the expense of yourself yeah but i think it is
14:59okay to say no you know um yeah if you're ever in like a financial situation whereby like you
15:06just can't if you can't then you can't you know there's um there's really no harm in like saying
15:13no and like protecting your finances even if it's like coming from even if that request is coming from
15:18family yeah i agree yeah like i know what you mean like there's that like pressure i suppose and i think
15:25like i do um i do know like a few people who um who's maybe you know parents or um just like
15:34you know siblings aren't doing as well as them um so essentially for like lack of a better word they
15:40essentially become like a cash cow yeah um in that there's like that pressure to to provide and to um
15:48to uplift the entire family yeah yeah exactly which like it's a huge responsibility and like i i
15:54absolutely you know i respect that and i think that's something that's really common like in our
15:59society but um finances you know uh it has its like peaks and you know it's exactly yeah you have to
16:09protect yourself your future your finances are never gonna be like i i guess that's just being realistic
16:14right like your your finances aren't just gonna it's not like on an uphill trajectory right like
16:19you'll have moments where like you will um you will have dips and stuff like that and in moments
16:23like that i think like you just have to i guess acknowledge that and so um hopefully you have
16:29family members or friends who understand that as well when you do say no but they don't understand
16:34that again like you said it's a reflection of their character rather than a reflection of you yeah yeah i
16:40think that's the main takeaway from this like you said it's okay to say no if you can't afford it
16:45and yeah if people are not happy about that then honestly like what kind of relationship is that
16:50right if someone asked me and i said no and they're like it's okay i understand then to me okay this is
16:54a real friend maybe in the future i'll think about if i can help you i will help you out right yeah
16:58but if they block me on whatsapp what yeah yeah okay i know who you are all righty let's move on to
17:04the first story that i've got okay okay so i had a friend who always said can you cover first i'll
17:10transfer later beyond classic line classic line the money never came at first i stayed quiet to avoid
17:17awkwardness but over time i started dreading hanging out eventually i brought it up directly and guess
17:22what they genuinely didn't realize how often they were doing it it changed our our dynamic for the
17:27better would you confront a friend who constantly forgets to pay you back or just let it slide
17:32that's really hard i feel like i can't let it slide forever though yeah yeah i i think so but
17:39again like i think it's so awkward to have that conversation do you know what i mean because like
17:43you you kind of hope that they realize yeah before you say anything so the way i would do it is the
17:49next time i'll be like oh can you pay first like or i'll be like oh actually for the last round
17:53have you paid or if you haven't then maybe you just pay for this round so it's not a hey where's my
17:57money man yeah yeah it's a more subtle way of doing it i guess that's what i would do right right yeah
18:02yeah but man okay i think this is super tough again i feel like i wouldn't want to hang out with
18:08this kind of people if the person told me up front like i don't think i can go there because i can't
18:13afford it then i can be like okay you know what it's fine i'll buy for you but i don't like people who
18:19go out knowing they can't afford it and then yeah just ghost you when the bill comes yeah i think that's
18:23yeah i think what's also really dangerous is that um you you then start assuming that like
18:29that one particular friend can't afford it every single time and so you cover it every single time
18:35um so that's why i think it's worth yeah maybe saying something right um speaking from experience
18:41uh no absolutely not but like i think um yeah because once you start assuming that like that person can't
18:48cover it then they start getting comfortable with the fact that you're letting it slide does that
18:53make sense yeah yeah yeah um and that in itself is like a really dangerous cycle so i think a
18:57conversation is like worth having it's just that that's not a conversation or a confrontation that
19:03i'm willing to have if you ask me but that is the right thing to do yeah yeah yeah um anyway okay so
19:10um last story um my brother once asked me for a big loan i didn't have the heart to say no even though it
19:16emptied my savings he never paid me back and it created tension for years i learned the hard way
19:22that helping family should never put you in financial danger when family asks for money do you
19:27feel obligated to say yes even if it hurts your own finances okay we just yeah we just talked about
19:34yeah yeah yeah um actually having said i mean now now they talk about this i guess there are some
19:38red flags i guess if you know that your family member is someone who is financially responsible
19:42and they're just waiting for a payment or something then yeah i would but if you know that
19:46your family member is someone who you know if they don't have a job how are they going to pay
19:49you back right just for example or if they have a history of borrowing money and not paying it back
19:54then yeah and then i've seen a lot of this in malaysia i think it's quite sad um not just borrowing money
19:59but being a guarantor as well like people who don't have stable incomes they want to buy a car
20:03like can you be my guarantor people say yes family members obviously and then end of the day
20:08now you're stuck with the loan yeah um which yeah i think yeah you you i know to me okay this is my
20:16view i know different people are different but to me family is family but i cannot
20:22sacrifice sort of my my financial position and my future for family
20:28yeah i think again like in our culture and in our society like we talked about earlier like we have
20:34this sense of like community and i think as a people like we are like generosity is such a huge
20:39part of like our culture right but like i think at some point like something has to give like again
20:47you know what we were talking about earlier which is like you know one family member essentially being
20:52burdened by uh being like the delegated like cash cow um everyone yeah for everybody i think it's it's a
21:00huge burden to bear um and and unfortunately a lot of families have i mean you hear stories right of
21:07like families literally breaking apart because of you know situations like this i myself i have heard of
21:14tons of stories tons of stories of like family members fighting because of money which is such a shame
21:20yeah it's so sad it's so so sad that it's over something honestly i would say at something as trivial
21:26as um as borrowing money yeah you know yeah so i think i think yes as a family member i think it's
21:35okay to of course like ask for help you know yes they are your family um but i think at the same time
21:42like understand that there are certain boundaries that you have to you know respect and then as the
21:48person who is like lending the money or um giving the money i guess uh make sure that you're like in a
21:55in a good position like financially before you yeah you you give it lah right yeah yeah yeah i guess
22:02to wrap it all up i would say as the lender as a person giving the money yeah like yasmin just said
22:09only give up money if you're in a comfortable position financially and only give up money that
22:14you can assume that the money is no longer yours if you can do that comfortably then yeah by all means if
22:19you want to do it um don't be afraid to say no right i think if you really can't afford it just
22:25say no it's better i think this is actually the perfect quote i said earlier if you're gonna lose
22:30a relationship anyway it's better to just lose the relationship rather than lose the relationship
22:34and money yeah so i think that is the important thing yeah yeah yeah cool hopefully you guys enjoyed
22:40this episode and yasmin i hope you uh don't lose too much money lending friends anymore you have too many
22:45stories i have too many stories i can't even go into details but i have way too many i hope you guys
22:51enjoy yasmin's story and uh what we talked about today see you guys in the next one
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