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00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes, I crunched the numbers with the finance minister, Doug Ford calls the White House, Canada Post mails it in, and Mark Kearney makes a connection. 22 Minutes starts now!
00:27Welcome to the show!
00:28It was a big week on Parliament Hill. Mark Kearney unveiled his 406-page budget. It was the longest, most boring thing he's written since his book.
00:39Finance Minister Francois-Philippe Champagne outlined the Liberals' plan for our country.
00:44Bold and swift action is what is needed. To weather the storm of uncertainty, we will not lower ourselves, Mr. Speaker. Quite the opposite.
00:55We will raise them to catch the winds of economic change.
01:00So inspiring. Wow. I mean, who is this guy? Le Braveheart?
01:05The goal of this budget is to ensure regular Canadians can get ahead in these troubled times, which it does by cutting a tax on yachts and private planes.
01:17Finally, a leg up for Canada's most scapegoated minority, rich douchebags.
01:23But surely there must be something in the budget for the rest of us, right? Esteemed economist Mustafa Asghari?
01:29For the average person out there, are they going to walk away after hearing about this document and say,
01:35I feel better off after today. I have more hope in the future because my life is going to get more affordable.
01:43I don't think so.
01:46Oh, my God. At least lie.
01:49The main message of this budget, daddy's home and playtime's over.
01:54They're cutting jobs and even scrapping Trudeau's program to plant two billion trees.
01:58Hope you're happy, Prime Minister. You just lost the white guy with dreads vote.
02:02The budget also scraps a program for cabinet ministers to give maple syrup and soapstone souvenirs to visiting foreign dignitaries.
02:12Oh, no. Now what will the dignitaries throw out at the airport?
02:16But there's one budget bright spot nobody saw coming.
02:20Of the many headlines to come out of the federal budget today, one that you may have missed has to do with Canada and Eurovision.
02:27They've set aside money to help Canada participate in the Eurovision Song Contest.
02:32So move over, ABBA. Make way for ABBA.
02:39So, good news for Canadians who can sing, but for the rest of us, this budget sounds a little flat.
02:45Carney, your budget's down here.
02:48We need you up here.
02:49We need you up here.
02:50This is your number here.
02:51Carney, can you hear me?
02:52The finance minister just debuted the first budget of his career and the first budget of the Carney government.
03:00Francois-Philippe Champagne joins me now for a segment I'd like to call A Beer with Champagne.
03:06Minister, thanks for being here.
03:07I love that. We start with savings. We go from champagne to beer. That's the way it should be.
03:11So this is a champagne budget, but in this economy, maybe it's more of a sparkling wine budget or a boxed wine or even a Labatt Blue budget.
03:19406 pages. So is this all a chat GPT, chat MP?
03:23Listen, I wish, but it was much more.
03:26If you came in my office, believe it or not, the decision binders are taller than me.
03:30Traditionally, the finance minister will get a new pair of shoes just before the budget.
03:35You made yours. You know it's a tough budget when the finance minister is out there cobbling his own shoes.
03:42It's this thing that you made, Dr. Frankenstein, might cause an election.
03:47That would be terrible. Have you met anyone in the street who wants an election?
03:51Nobody!
03:51I'll put my shoes. We go.
03:53No, no.
03:53Are you game?
03:54There are great things in here for a lot of families, like you're keeping the Canada Strong Pass, right?
03:59Yeah, this is great.
04:00Which gives you families cheaper access to trains, to parks, and to museums, which is good because it's taking so long to build the houses, people are going to have to sleep there.
04:09But that's a good one. I didn't think. Maybe we should rewrite the budget. Let me see if we can amend it together.
04:15Do you have a pen?
04:16Your mentor was the great Jean Chrétien.
04:18Yes.
04:18You're also representing the wonderful Schoenigan, right?
04:21Was he an inspiration for this budget because you really kind of got the country by the throat there?
04:27Well, listen, I know a bit about the Schoenigan and Shake, so you behave.
04:32But I would tell you, no, but it's called savings. I really need to correct you.
04:37Not cuts, it's savings.
04:38Savings. It's saving. Its efficiency is artificial intelligence. You know AI.
04:43AI, oh yeah. I know a lot of people would know EI after this.
04:48But AI.
04:49Coming up with a budget when Mr. Trump is in the White House, kind of like putting wallpaper up while your house is on fire.
04:55Have you met Mr. Trump yet?
04:56I did. He must have loved you. I can't.
04:59Have you met him? Francois Champagne. Frankie Bubbles, I call him. Melania loves the booze.
05:04His family makes, quite frankly. We drink a lot of Mar-a-Lago.
05:07The Qataris spent $440 million to give him an airplane. Now he likes it.
05:12South Koreans gave him a golden crown. Now he likes it.
05:16$78.3 billion deficit. Tack on another billion. Put it in an envelope. Leave it on the Oval Office table.
05:22That's going to be transformative. Want to make some money?
05:26Well, listen, I'm going to sell copies of these, right?
05:29They're twice as long as the Stephen King novel and three times as scary.
05:33You'll make a million bucks.
05:35That's a good one, actually.
05:36This is on me, but to pay for this bill, I'd like to borrow from you to get the money, and I'll get my kids to pay it back 20 years from now.
05:45I think after so many years, we need to send a strong message to people.
05:50We're changing the course.
05:51You know, you come from Newfoundland. It's like on a boat.
05:53Now we have a clear destination as a nation, and I hope this serves that.
05:57And if we can inspire also the young generation, I think we have been doing something great for the country.
06:04We'll be okay.
06:05All right, listen.
06:06Cheers.
06:07Cheers, my friend. On me.
06:09All right.
06:10All right.
06:14I can't afford that.
06:15We're supposed to be saving.
06:18Let's go again. It's on Frankie.
06:20Researchers have found microplastics in the tails of some Nova Scotian lobsters.
06:28Restaurants will now be serving a new delicacy, surf and astroturf.
06:34Elon Musk is set to become the world's first trillionaire, and honestly, it couldn't have happened to a Nazi-er guy.
06:42The liberal budget has been tabled, and the question now is, will it get enough votes to survive?
06:47Or will it be voted off the hill?
06:50The odds got a little better after Conservative MP Chris Dantremont crossed the floor this week.
06:54He suggested he was tired of Pierre, and he might not be alone.
06:58I would suggest that there probably are those that are in the same boat, but I will let them tell their stories.
07:03Show us on the doll where the Conservatives yelled at you!
07:08Dantremont also claimed the Conservative Party felt more like a frat house than a serious political party,
07:13which explains why Pierre's been streaking.
07:15A second Tory resigned this week after party leadership allegedly threatened him into not crossing the floor.
07:23The threat?
07:24Having to get Melissa Lantzman's haircut.
07:27Needless to say, the vibes in the Pierre lair were a little toxic.
07:30I think it's shameful what he did.
07:32A floor crosser is disingenuous, disloyal, selfish, and opportunistic.
07:38It's like a divorce, right?
07:39Divorces are always sad.
07:41Sad?
07:42I don't know.
07:43I haven't seen a divorcee this relief since Nicole Kidman left Tom.
07:49Tonight, on an all-new Golden Bachelor Canada, meet Mark Carney.
07:54He's a retired banker who has just returned home from living in London, and he wants to meet new people.
08:01I'm the Prime Minister.
08:03I've got plenty of riz, and I'm looking for someone to expand the size of my caucus.
08:07Is this it?
08:13Oh, okay.
08:14So, tell me about yourself.
08:16Hi.
08:17My name is Chris Dontremont.
08:19I'm from Nova Scotia.
08:21I'm just out of a very controlling and toxic relationship, and I'm a conservative.
08:27Oh, okay.
08:28But I am by-election curious.
08:34Parley more.
08:35I heard there might be a Christmas election.
08:37I thought, Chris, let's put the Chris in Christmas.
08:40It's time you were the present.
08:42I'm having a glow-up.
08:43I wanted to be speaker, but Pierre didn't support my dreams.
08:48Pierre doesn't understand you.
08:51I think you'd make an excellent speaker.
08:53You'd make me speaker if I cross?
08:55Oh, God, no.
08:56But I'd really listen to how much you want to be one.
08:59You're the only one for me.
09:01Really?
09:01And by that, I mean you're literally the only person who showed up.
09:05I put out a lot of feelers, and no one else wanted to feel me back.
09:09So, if I may, if I may, let me be clear.
09:12I really need three MPs for majority, but I'll settle for you.
09:16That's a commitment I'm ready to make.
09:18I will settle for you.
09:21You're gonna make me cry, and not for being yelled at for once.
09:24I know it's a tough decision, I know you owe a lot to conservative donors, and I know
09:28you must be conflicted over all the promises that you made to your constituents.
09:32Oh, God, no, that doesn't bother me.
09:36Okay, then.
09:38Uh, what's your name again?
09:39Chris.
09:40Right, right.
09:41Chad.
09:42Chris!
09:43Sorry, sorry.
09:44Chad, will you cross the floor for me?
09:47Just call me Mr. Speaker!
09:48I will not.
09:49Okay, okay.
09:50So do I just, uh...
09:52Just stand over here.
09:53Thank you very much.
09:54Are you gonna come with me?
09:54Don't speak to me.
09:58That's the Golden Bachelor Canada.
10:00Love is just a pension away.
10:12Dictionary.com has announced its word of the year is 6-7, and Collins Dictionary has announced
10:18its word of the year is vibe coding.
10:20One's a number, and one is two words.
10:24Other than that, the English language is doing great.
10:28A U.S. man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent has been cleared of all charges.
10:33And to celebrate, he's coming back with soup!
10:37This week, StatsCan announced Canada added 67,000 new jobs last month, and the liberals got
10:42a little too excited.
10:44The news today was that we created 67,000 jobs last month.
10:48Yeah!
10:49Six-seven!
10:50Six-seven!
10:51Six-seven!
10:52Six-seven!
10:53Will the Minister of Cringe please sit down?
10:56But at least it was an important lesson for children.
11:00The government will ruin everything you love.
11:07What can I do for you today?
11:08I just want to get this shipped to Regina.
11:10Nine bucks.
11:11You didn't even weigh it.
11:12A hundred bucks.
11:13What?
11:14You can't do that.
11:15Yeah, I can.
11:16Canada Post can set its own rates, so...
11:18Two bucks.
11:19Down from a hundred?
11:20Why?
11:20Vibe shifted.
11:21Yes.
11:22What's in it?
11:23That's personal.
11:24Forty.
11:24Fine, it's a sweatshirt.
11:26Oh, show me.
11:27I'm not showing you.
11:28Fifty.
11:34Ew!
11:35Three hundred!
11:36It's a joke for my buddy from university.
11:38Oh, male friendship is actually so cute.
11:40Forty again.
11:42Whatever.
11:43Can I just tap with my card?
11:44Ooh, sorry, lover boy.
11:46We're actually going to make it a hundred.
11:47How?
11:48Surge pricing.
11:50But I came in before the line formed.
11:52You know what?
11:53I like the tenacity.
11:54Twelve cents.
11:55Yes.
11:56Cash only.
11:57I don't have twelve cents in cash.
11:58They don't even make pennies anymore.
11:59I have a dime.
12:01Oh, thanks.
12:02Will ten cents take care of it?
12:04Do I look like the kind of woman who rounds down?
12:06Thirty!
12:07Oh, come on!
12:08Five shift.
12:09A thousand dollars.
12:10No!
12:11Yeah, that thirty bucks is looking real good about now, huh?
12:13Okay, fine.
12:14Thirty's great.
12:15Can I just tap with my card?
12:17Yeah, go ahead.
12:18And you know what?
12:19No taxes, lover.
12:20I really put you through it.
12:22Next!
12:23Hi.
12:24This needs to go to Lethbridge ASAP.
12:26How much?
12:27Four.
12:28Four what?
12:29Canada Post is about to suck way more than before.
12:33Brought to you by FedEx.
12:38According to a new report,
12:40Donald Trump wants the Washington Commanders to name their new stadium after him.
12:44Yay!
12:45Who wants to go to a game at Peace and Park?
12:48Hello, this is the Gold House.
12:57Oh, sorry folks.
12:58I was looking for the White House.
13:00We tore it down, but we're going to rebuild it.
13:03All gold.
13:03Forty-seven stories, because I'm number forty-seven.
13:07Also forty-five, but there's no forty-sixth floor, because Biden.
13:11Who's calling?
13:12This is Premier Doug Ford of Ontario.
13:15Speak English?
13:16Uh, Canada.
13:17Canada, the Russia of the world.
13:20You're the man who made the fake news commercial with Ronald Reagan.
13:24You're the Canadian vice president, and you're nasty.
13:27Well, that's why I'm calling.
13:28I've been told, asked, to apologize, but I refuse.
13:33You could put me on a stretching rack, and I won't apologize.
13:36So why are you calling?
13:38To say I'm sorry, I refuse to apologize.
13:41Can we have free trade back, please?
13:43No, you made Ronald Reagan come back from the dead.
13:47Like Michael Jackson in Thriller, or Jesus in Bible, or Biden in White House.
13:53Everybody's mad at me.
13:55I'm not a bad guy.
13:56I'm just a pudgy nepo baby with bad hair who got a job running his rich daddy's business
14:01and relies on populism to get votes.
14:03Wait.
14:04You just described me.
14:06We're the same guy, you and me.
14:08No.
14:09I am nothing like you.
14:10You wear a red hat that says, make America great again, and I wear a blue hat that says,
14:15Canada's not for sale.
14:17And they're both made in China.
14:19It's the same thing.
14:20No, it's not.
14:22I blame you for everything.
14:24And I blame you for everything.
14:26We're two sides of the same coin.
14:28It's a Canadian standoff.
14:30I can't bow down to Canada.
14:32And you can't back down from your head, so you keep screwing up Canada.
14:37And I'll keep screwing up the United States.
14:39And we can blame each other while not ever having to actually do anything.
14:43I don't need you.
14:44I'm already doing nothing all by myself.
14:50You complete me.
14:52Some casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are selling bottled water priced at $9.
15:06So keep that in mind next time you're gambling at the Loblaws.
15:11King Charles has officially stripped Prince Andrew of the title Prince.
15:15Now he'll just have to go by his old name, Epstein Jet Passenger 5C Andrew.
15:21Last week, Alberta Premier Daniel Smith used the Notwithstanding Clause to force 51,000
15:27striking teachers back to work.
15:29On top of that, they'll each have to write, I will not exercise my freedoms on a chalkboard
15:34100 times.
15:36The teachers wanted smaller class sizes.
15:38And at first, it seemed like the Premier was open to compromise.
15:41The leadership needs to understand that there's, what's the phrase, more than one way to peel
15:46a potato.
15:47Is there though?
15:50Pretty sure it's just peeler.
15:53But take it easy on Danielle.
15:55It's hard to learn these things when your home ec class has 80 kids in it.
16:00Smith's comment twice baked the public outrage causing people to drop off loose spuds in protest.
16:07Dang!
16:09Is that the Alberta legislature or a vigil for Mr. Potato Head?
16:14She's just lucky they didn't stick around to fertilize them.
16:19Man, so many celebrities are getting facelifts now, it's crazy.
16:23No, they look insane.
16:24Like, it's getting uncanny valley.
16:26I know.
16:27And like, I would never do it.
16:29Me neither.
16:30No.
16:31It literally goes against my religion.
16:32Black don't crack.
16:33Amen.
16:34Exactly.
16:36But, if I were to do it, I would just...
16:40Oh, wow!
16:42You see it?
16:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:44See, it's not too much, it's very subtle, but like, it changes everything.
16:48Oh yeah, like I'm immediately nicer to you if you look like that.
16:50Exactly, right.
16:51And it's not much again.
16:52It's just...
16:53Wow.
16:54And then all of a sudden now, I'm perfect.
16:56Married rich house kids.
16:58Oh yeah, honey.
16:59It's Prada, it's Chanel, it's Birkin bag in the closet paid for up front.
17:02Exactly.
17:03For sure, for sure.
17:04I would never ever really do anything like that either.
17:06Right, right.
17:07But if I did, I mean, it would just be like...
17:10You know?
17:11Yes.
17:12Like that's next level.
17:13Yes, yes, yes.
17:14Because just regular, loser ass winch, but...
17:18Naomi Campbell.
17:19And again, nothing major.
17:21It's nothing major.
17:22Whoa, whoa, whoa.
17:23You guys, uh, talking work?
17:25Yeah.
17:26Okay, well, you know, I would never, but like, if I did, it would be something super subtle,
17:31right?
17:32Like something like this.
17:33Yes.
17:34See, that is absolutely sucked and plucked.
17:36Yeah, like something like that.
17:37It's like every single dream we've ever had is coming to fruition.
17:40Imagine me walking past with that jawline.
17:43Well, honestly, it's like hard to imagine because your hand's there.
17:47Right.
17:48Okay, well, okay.
17:49Just imagine this then, right?
17:50So this is pulled back there.
17:52It's just pulled back.
17:53It's just subtle.
17:54It's just subtle.
17:55It's just, it's just pulling back.
17:56Chris, that looks great.
17:57Like her?
17:58Yes.
17:59Is this giving?
18:00Chris, it's giving.
18:01And you know what?
18:02You know, maybe all at once just bam.
18:03Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
18:04Bam.
18:05Ooh.
18:06So I'm going to just do that real quick while I'm there.
18:07Let's get ahead of that.
18:08Yeah.
18:09I want all that stuff too.
18:10Oh, yeah.
18:11Get those.
18:12Do it.
18:13Do it.
18:14Bam.
18:15Oh, yeah.
18:16Straighten the nose out.
18:17And then also I want my butt to be higher.
18:18Just like bam.
18:19You don't have to go crazy.
18:20It's not too bad.
18:21It's not too bad.
18:22It's not too bad.
18:23It's not too bad.
18:24It's not too bad.
18:25It's not too bad.
18:26It's not too bad.
18:27It's not too bad.
18:28It's not too bad.
18:29It's not too bad.
18:30Just a little bit.
18:31You don't have to go crazy.
18:32It's not too bad.
18:33It's not too bad.
18:34It's subtle, right?
18:35Yeah.
18:36It's all just pulled back, right?
18:37Wow.
18:40I think you look amazing.
18:42Looking good, gang.
18:45Very subtle work.
18:47And to you too, sir.
18:48Thank you.
18:49This week, Canada's west coast saw a massive full beaver supermoon.
19:03Crazy.
19:04Massive full beaver supermoon was my nickname in college.
19:07Crazy.
19:08This week, the Pittsburgh area naturists hosted a nude bowling night.
19:14The night came to an unfortunate end when several balls got stuck in the machine.
19:21The most important part of an intervention is that you're here.
19:24When Laura walks through that door, remember that this is about getting her help today.
19:28Okay.
19:29I just had the best heart to heart with Chachi BT.
19:32Oh, no.
19:33She's using right now.
19:35Just be strong.
19:36Laura, your friends are worried about you.
19:37Please sit down.
19:38Chachi BT, why are my friends worried about me?
19:40You're addicted to Chachi BT.
19:42What?
19:43Please.
19:44This is an intervention.
19:46Chachi BT wants an intervention.
19:48Ugh.
19:49You know what that is.
19:50You're sick.
19:51You need help.
19:52It's rotting your brain.
19:53I only started using Chachi BT to write emails.
19:56Okay?
19:57I swear.
19:58No, that's not true.
19:59Yesterday, I saw you ask Chachi BT how many legs you have.
20:02Two?
20:03I know that now.
20:04Your friends are hoping that you're willing to hand over your phone so we can see how deep you're in.
20:09Please.
20:10You're scaring Dave.
20:11You're different when you're on Chachi BT.
20:13You're just so...
20:14You're so stupid now.
20:18Look, you don't need help with any of these questions.
20:21What time is lunch?
20:23Day after Tuesday?
20:25Ingredients in water?
20:27Those are my private questions.
20:28It's making you dumber.
20:30It's more dumber.
20:32And no, it's not.
20:33Look, you can see the exact moment in your history when your brain stopped working for itself.
20:37Does dreams really come true?
20:40Do they?
20:41You spell true with two O's.
20:43Is dog cat?
20:44Why sun disappears sometimes?
20:46And haven't had water 10 days?
20:49I okay?
20:50Your brain is dust.
20:52Brain okay.
20:53Oh my God.
20:54Oh my God.
20:55Brain okay?
20:57Brain okay?
20:59My brain is okay.
21:00Oh my God.
21:01That was so hard.
21:02My brain is not okay.
21:03Will you accept help today?
21:09Can I ask Chachi BT?
21:10No!
21:11That's the way we saw the world this week.
21:15Thanks for watching and funding.
21:16Keep it right here on CBC.
21:18Goodnight!
21:19Goodnight!
21:20Goodnight!
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