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00:00¡Gracias!
00:30Good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we'll be struck by wave after wave of, well, waves.
00:39Making waves, it's Phil Wang.
00:44Surfing the waves, it's Sarah Pascoe.
00:50Mewling waves, it's Tom Allen.
00:55And already waving a white flag, it's Allen Davis.
01:00Let's wave hello to our guests.
01:06Phil goes.
01:10Ooh, Sarah goes.
01:15Tom goes.
01:20And Allen goes.
01:21Bye-bye, baby, baby, goodbye, baby, baby, bye-bye.
01:30Right, let's dive right in with question one.
01:32What is 4.8 inches long, begins with W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster?
01:40Phil Wang.
01:43Phil Wang.
01:52I mean, we're off and running.
01:54The experiments have proved very successful.
01:56Yeah.
01:57What were you going to say, Phil?
01:58A warm hamster, perhaps?
02:00Oh.
02:01A heated up one.
02:02Yeah, mine just gently microwaved.
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05Can I just say that, out of nowhere, that is exactly the right answer?
02:10Oh!
02:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:13I think we're all going to get into you, because 4.8 inches is too big for a hamster.
02:25Is this a monster hamster?
02:26OK, so I didn't necessarily say that the hamster was 4.8 inches, did I?
02:30I said, what is 4.8 inches long, begins with a W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster.
02:36Wheel.
02:37No, the Mr Microwave.
02:38You got the right answer, and now I'm having to tell you what it was.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Microwave doesn't start with W.
02:45Well, it is the waves that start with W.
02:48Oh.
02:49It's going to be a long night, isn't it?
02:51LAUGHTER
02:52It's night's theme, it's waves.
02:54The very first domestic-sized microwave oven was invented to bring half-dead hamsters back to life.
03:01Ooh!
03:02I know.
03:03So, quick primer on how microwaves work.
03:05Anybody know how they work?
03:06Don't they heat things up from the inside out?
03:08So, they have electromagnetic waves, and by definition, the wavelength can be anywhere from a millimetre to a metre.
03:15But they fire a wavelength of 4.8 inches, with the thing that I asked about.
03:20Ah, cool.
03:21And that is just the right size for the energy to be absorbed by the food, or in this case, by the hamster.
03:26So, the energy in them is transferred to the food.
03:29Don't try this at home.
03:31Yeah, I was about to say.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33No, no, it's a very bad idea.
03:34Because that wouldn't work.
03:35It'd hurt them.
03:36Yeah.
03:37They'd be dead.
03:38Yeah.
03:39Is it the frequency of microwaves that make the water molecules shake, and that's what heat is?
03:42Yes, you're absolutely right, darling.
03:44It was really in-depth there, Phil.
03:45Yeah.
03:46I thought I was just coming here to mess around.
03:49Yeah.
03:50But you knew about the frequency of water molecules.
03:52I can't believe you've advised for the test.
03:56So, 1950s, there was a British scientist called James Lovelock, and he was working on a project to freeze and then reanimate cell tissue.
04:05OK?
04:06Now, you can see that that could serve all sorts of useful medical purposes.
04:09So, preserved tissues for transplant would be a good example.
04:12So, I don't think you'd be allowed to do this now.
04:15He gave hamsters an hour-long ice bath of minus five degrees Celsius.
04:21Yeah.
04:22It was not good.
04:23The heart stopped beating.
04:24They stopped breathing.
04:25And what you said, a lot of the water in their body froze to ice.
04:29So, they've got this frozen hamsters, and I like this.
04:32They experimented with various ways of reviving them.
04:34It tried thawing them out with intense beams of light.
04:37And this is all I've got on this.
04:39Hot spatulas.
04:43I think it explains itself, really.
04:45Really?
04:46Yeah, weirdly, it didn't work.
04:47And some of them...
04:48Hot spatulas sounds like a seedy late-night show, doesn't it?
04:50Yeah.
04:51Yeah.
04:52Like, cooking-based.
04:53Yeah.
04:54Welcome to hot spatulas.
04:57Anyway, it won't surprise you to learn that some of these poor hamsters then got severe burns.
05:02Then Lovelock decided that he would try firing microwaves at them.
05:06I mean, what on earth is going through his mind at that point?
05:09Yeah, I don't know.
05:10I don't know.
05:11He's frozen them.
05:12He's tried to heat them up with hot spatulas.
05:14Yeah.
05:15And now he's going, do you know what, let's just ding them in the microwave.
05:18But it does mean that he had only stuff from the kitchen.
05:21So, he was like, freezer, cutlery drawer, hot spatulas.
05:26Microwave.
05:27Oh, thank goodness he didn't have an air fryer.
05:29That was nice.
05:33You have to understand there were no domestic microwaves at this time.
05:35The only microwaves were owned by the government who had used them for various purposes like radar and stuff.
05:40Anyway, he fired microwaves at the hamster, which was frozen.
05:45And after a few seconds, it got up and started wandering around.
05:50Anyway, he never used it for cooking, Lovelock.
05:52He just stuck to the hamster thing.
05:54You'd think he'd be quite, he'd be exhausted at the end of the day.
05:56It would have been really handy for him to have a microwave meal.
06:00The person who thought of actually building a similar thing specifically to cook food was an American physicist called Percy Spencer during World War II.
06:09But the one he made weighed over 340 kilograms and was six foot tall.
06:13So, possibly not the one for your kitchen, I would say.
06:17Also, it was designed so, like, organ transplants and things could be...
06:21Imagine waiting there on the trolley about to have it done.
06:23Yeah.
06:24And then you hear...ping.
06:28It's ready!
06:30What would be worse is if they said, do you mind if we try some hot spatulas?
06:35You're convinced these hot spatulas must be good for something.
06:38It must be.
06:39It must be a few people who've had heart transplants and it's still a little bit cold in the middle.
06:45Take it out and stir it halfway.
06:47Now, on to crime waves.
06:50Imagine you are a full-time wig thief.
06:55What would be your technique?
06:57Oh, I've failed so many times.
07:02It's harder than it looks.
07:03What worries me about this question is the full-time aspect of it.
07:06Yes.
07:07So, you'd have to make a lot of money.
07:09What's a time in history when you might have made a lot of money from?
07:12Georgian times?
07:13Yes.
07:14So, where are we? We're in the...
07:15In your face, Phil.
07:17Why am I the enemy?
07:20Because we're doing history now and we're all playing for ourselves.
07:24It's humanities.
07:25No.
07:26Oh, no, the...
07:27Bring it back to maths. Bring it back to maths.
07:29So, 18th century, there's a wave of wig thefts.
07:34Right?
07:35Because they're worth stealing, right?
07:36Everyday powdered wigs.
07:38Nothing special.
07:39Cost the equivalent of 100 quid today.
07:41But there were some that were so elaborate that they would be 5,000 pounds in today's money.
07:45And that's where we get the expression big wig from. He's a bit of a big wig.
07:48So, what would your technique be, do you think?
07:51First, I would get a monkey for some reason.
07:55Yes, that is one way of doing it.
07:57They often train small children and animals to steal them.
08:00So, you might get, for example, a child in a basket carried on somebody's shoulder,
08:05be just the right height to whip the wig off, and then the wig-snatching team would run in opposite directions.
08:10Wig-snatching team.
08:11I know.
08:12I know.
08:13I would be more subtle.
08:14So, first thing, I might not want the person whose wig I'm stealing to know,
08:17so I'd want to swap it for something of the same weight really, really quickly.
08:21Like Indiana Jones, just the...
08:23Yeah, yeah.
08:24The sack on the head, yeah.
08:25Or I would pretend I was a wig inspector and say, you've contravened some rules for wigs.
08:32Yeah, wig rules.
08:33Or say, I've got...
08:34I think you've got fleas.
08:35Can I get rid of them for you?
08:37And then I've got it, haven't I?
08:39Or what about if you put velcro on the inside of a tunnel or a bridge and...
08:44As people walked through, they'd be like, lovely, going through here, going through here.
08:50Suddenly, in the light, it's gone.
08:52Where is it?
08:53It's stuck in the tunnel, but by that point it's too...
08:55Yeah, you've closed the tunnel.
08:56You've closed the tunnel.
08:57Yeah.
08:58You've only got to wait 200 years for somebody to invent velcro in your office.
09:01I like the people who go through the tunnel, going through here, going through here.
09:05Yes, that's what I do in tunnels.
09:07Going through here.
09:08Your wig's on fire!
09:09It's on fire!
09:10It's on fire!
09:11And then I grab it.
09:12Yeah.
09:13Imagine being...
09:15I like that.
09:16Imagine how undignified it would be like, don't you dare...
09:17You give me my wig back!
09:18I know what you're doing!
09:19Yeah.
09:20You're trying to steal my wig.
09:21Come back here!
09:22Going through here, going through here!
09:24Stop that man!
09:25He's got my wig!
09:26So jostling somebody was one way of doing it.
09:28You get two boys and a dog, for example.
09:30One boy jostles a bewigged man, the other grabs the hairpiece, tosses it to the dog,
09:33and they all go off in different directions.
09:35So you might see a dog running past with a wig on?
09:37Why do you think wigs were so popular?
09:41People had terrible heads.
09:43Is it?
09:44Because there was no conditioner back then, so everyone's hair looked terrible.
09:48A lot of it's to do with syphilis.
09:51Syphilis was rampant.
09:52Oh, yeah.
09:53It caused men to lose their hair.
09:56What?
09:57I don't know what you mean.
10:02Wig crime.
10:03Why did it stop?
10:04Wigs went out of fashion.
10:05Correct.
10:06Two points.
10:07So there was a supposed wave of detergent theft in the United States in 2015.
10:12There was supposed to be a great wave and people were stealing and they had to lock it to the shelves.
10:17Was that because of drugs?
10:18Well, so there was one police officer who said he had seen people buy drugs in exchange for sort of six bottles of detergent.
10:28Like the Daz Doorstep Challenge, isn't it?
10:30Would you consider swapping your usual heroin for six bottles of QI wash?
10:42I imagine that's always been popular.
10:44It's something everybody needs.
10:45It's untraceable.
10:46It's easy to steal.
10:47You can get rid of all the evidence.
10:49Yes.
10:50I was in the supermarket the other week and the bottles of olive oil were in Perspex cases, lockboxes.
10:58Wow.
11:00On the shelf.
11:01Because they were £10 each.
11:03That's the state we're at.
11:05I always thought like the price of...
11:06When people talk about the price of oil going up, I didn't know they meant extra virgin.
11:11Oiling yourself up for a hot spatula is more expensive than anything.
11:15Well, you'd want to be oiled up if you had a hot spatula.
11:17You would.
11:18In 18th century London, it was easier for crime to pay.
11:28Oh.
11:29I like that.
11:33It kind of slid off the edge of the...
11:35Just that noise.
11:36Now, what wouldn't you want to find in a hairdresser's pocket?
11:40Uh...
11:41The husband's phone number?
11:43I'm not saying they're all hussies.
11:46No.
11:47Some of them are.
11:48Statistically.
11:49More hair that they stick back on when you're not looking.
11:54Because then you've got to come back.
11:56Weirdly, what happens is you go off on a tangent and get quite close to the real answer.
12:00Oh.
12:01OK.
12:02The whole show is about waves.
12:04What were waves, early waves in the hair?
12:06Perms.
12:07Perms, absolutely right.
12:08Early perms, short for permanent wave.
12:10And they were sometimes called pocket perms by hairstylists because it was such rough chemicals
12:16that what would happen is that large chunks of hair would break off and the stylist,
12:21instead of telling you that, would grab it and not want you to know and stick it in their pocket.
12:27So you would...
12:28Yeah, and you were sticking up from earlier.
12:29Yeah.
12:32Have you ever had a perm?
12:33Have you had a perm?
12:34I wanted a perm, Mum wouldn't let me.
12:35Why?
12:37Because she's a bitch.
12:48Oh, you'd be a very good therapist then.
12:51Just right to the heart of people in one question.
12:54Yeah.
12:55Yeah.
13:00My mum's...
13:01I'm under such strict instructions to never mention her in any of my comedy.
13:05All right?
13:06And I'm trying so hard and I can't believe that slipped out.
13:09I can't believe that slipped out.
13:11She does watch QI.
13:12She does watch QI and she's a really lovely woman.
13:14What's her name?
13:15Gail.
13:16Gail.
13:17Can I just say, we'd like to dedicate this whole show to you.
13:21And we're sending Sarah home with a perm.
13:23So the very first perm machine was invented by a hairdresser called Charles Nessler in 1909 in Paris.
13:34That's a milking machine.
13:36Yes, the thing is, he didn't really bother about health and safety.
13:41His wife was his very first volunteer and he burnt all her hair off and...
13:46I don't know.
13:47Yep.
13:48Scalded and blistered her scalp several times.
13:50He blistered her scalp?
13:51It's so funny.
13:53And...
13:57Sorry.
13:58He basically applied an alkali substance to his client's hair.
14:04So he started with cow's urine.
14:07Later moved to borax.
14:09That is the chemical we use today in laundry detergent and for rat poison.
14:14And then he wrapped hair around heavy rollers which were 100 degrees centigrade.
14:18But each one of those rollers weighed a kilo.
14:21And so he had to have that contraption, the counterweights to try and take the strain off the head.
14:25And they had to sit like that for six hours.
14:28It's impressive she won Miss America with art on her head.
14:33Now, can you recommend a reliable way of having a brainwave?
14:39I always find, just as I'm about to go to sleep, the most relaxed I could be while still conscious,
14:44that's when I'll think of something.
14:46Business people say that they call it the shower principle instead of being in water.
14:50OK.
14:51That's big.
14:52So between you, you've had an idea, which is quite exciting.
14:54Tom!
14:55Yes.
14:56So water and being on the edge, the precipice of something.
14:58Oh.
14:59Sitting on the edge of a bar.
15:00That's how they came up with the idea for the towel.
15:07There's a professional inventor in Tokyo called Dr Yoshiro Nakamatsu.
15:13And he comes up with his best ideas underwater, OK?
15:17But his method is to bring himself to the brink of drowning, right?
15:22He believes that the lack of oxygen is what engenders his creativity.
15:26He says, half a second before death, I visualise an invention.
15:29And he dives down with a waterproof notebook and pencil, his own invention, and he sketches
15:34out his ideas.
15:35He's applied for three and a half thousand patents in his time.
15:38These are his boots that he invented.
15:40What do you think they do?
15:41Are they for stealing wigs?
15:44100% could do that, because they're just for bouncing.
15:47So that was his idea?
15:48He nearly died.
15:49For that.
15:50Yeah.
15:51So could someone else wake him up?
15:53Like, who's in charge of the, OK, he's about to die, get him out?
15:56I think he just comes out of the water at that point.
15:58So he's in control of all of this?
16:00This is the theory, until he dies.
16:01I mean, unless he drowns himself.
16:02And that might be his very best idea.
16:03And we never would know.
16:04He stays for an extra half a second.
16:06Oh.
16:07It's kind of like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but for ideas.
16:11At least that's what he says.
16:13Bursts out of the water and says,
16:15Bouncing shoes! Bouncing shoes!
16:17Is that it?
16:18Is that what you've come up with?
16:19And then he runs into Dragon's Den, sopping wet.
16:24And his soy sauce spray bottle, I think, is very clever.
16:28You can evenly spritz your sushi.
16:30That's quite good.
16:31Well, that's a good idea.
16:32But it's not worth nearly dying, is it?
16:34No!
16:35When there's other ways of getting soy sauce on things.
16:37Those little fishes, they are good.
16:40Yeah, but you get the rice, the rice gets soaked and it falls apart.
16:43I don't mind if he drowns him by accident,
16:45because that's a really good invention.
16:47OK, he also invented an electromagnetic condom.
16:52Again, fantastic.
16:54Does it cure syphilis, asking for a friend?
16:57Is that just so you can find true north?
17:10Currently, what do I know, the motion of copulation induces a small current
17:15in the bloodstream and that increases pressure.
17:17Would you have to plug it in?
17:24Charlie, you don't want to be plugged into the mains.
17:27Well, that's how.
17:28Well, that's what I'm thinking.
17:29After getting out an extension lead.
17:31What I love is that the elves know, they're sending me a message saying,
17:34it's wireless.
17:35Thanks, guys.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:37APPLAUSE
17:39Anyway, he draws himself Dr Nakamats.
17:42Since he was 42, he has taken a photograph of every single meal that he has eaten.
17:48I'm glad he said meal.
17:49I don't know what he was going to eat.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51I mean, have you been on Instagram?
17:52That's what everyone is doing.
17:53Yeah.
17:54Did he invent that as well?
17:55LAUGHTER
17:56He's been doing that since he was 42.
17:57He was in his mid-90s.
17:58Oh, wow.
17:59But he analyses his food and lifestyle and says he will reach the age of 144.
18:00Oh.
18:01There is an extraordinary culture in Japan, though, of sort of curious ideas.
18:04They have a word for it called chindogu, and it means weird tool.
18:05The selfie stick is one that came out of Japan in 1995, but 20 years later was, you know,
18:09they're ubiquitous.
18:10There is a hay fever hat.
18:11Oh, OK.
18:12Oh, cool.
18:13Cool.
18:14Cool.
18:15Cool.
18:16Cool.
18:17Cool.
18:18Cool.
18:19Cool.
18:20Cool.
18:21Cool.
18:22Cool.
18:23Cool.
18:24Cool.
18:25Cool.
18:26Cool.
18:27Cool.
18:28Cool.
18:29Cool.
18:30Cool.
18:31Cool.
18:32Cool.
18:33Cool.
18:34Cool.
18:35Cool.
18:36Cool.
18:37Cool.
18:38Cool.
18:39Cool.
18:40Cool.
18:41So, you've each got a prop next to you.
18:42See if you can guess what they are for.
18:43These are weird tool inventions.
18:44That hay fever hat is by Kenji Kawakami.
18:46I mean, mine are.
18:47Right.
18:48So, Phil?
18:49Presum.
18:50That is a daddy-nurser.
18:51It's called the daddy-nurser.
18:52It's great but actually there's all kinds of people who might want to breastfeed their children
18:55who can't for whatever reason.
18:56People who adopt or people whose milk just doesn't come in or they don't have a big enough
19:01supply.
19:02pero también es muy interesante, pero también es muy interesante.
19:04¿Qué ha habido, Alan?
19:06Ellos son los plásticos y tienen pequeños funnels en ellos,
19:09así que puedes poner...
19:12...eydrops en...
19:14Es exactamente lo que, Delling,
19:16son eyedrop funnelled glasses
19:18para que no se pierda.
19:20¡Aplausos!
19:22¡Aplausos!
19:24¡Aplausos!
19:26Es que aquí te han perdido laëlita para ver si bien.
19:29¡Aplausos!
19:31¡Aplausos!
19:33La veas que hay un peco plancher también...
19:35¿Qué tienes que decir, Sara?
19:37¡Aplausos!
19:38Pero además, el cabrón tiene una cabra de cabeza.
19:40¡Aplausos!
19:41¿Qué piensas que te hacen con esto, lo que no?
19:43¡Aplausos!
19:44¿Qué tienes que hacer con mi piel?
19:46¡AH!
19:47¿Tienes que un subray strap?
19:50¿Eres un subray,
19:51se te hacer un subray...
19:53...y te hacer un subray.
19:54I stick it to the roof no I worry it's not going to be
19:58oh no no
20:01so if you put above your head yeah
20:03but there's nothing there sounds
20:04I see what you mean so just yeah
20:07when you have to get off that must be difficult
20:09to be like
20:12right what have you got darling
20:15now there should be some toasters oh yes there is oh I didn't know if that was
20:18serious I thought you'd order a snack
20:20Open the stick. Oh, yes, and have a look. Oh, I bet I know what this is going to be. Is it butter? It's a butter stick for buttering your toaster. Oh, look, it works. Oh, that's good. Oh, look, it's lovely. And would you take this with you to events?
20:37You're not the whole QVC, you know. It's so lovely. It's so elegant. I think if I saw somebody with that, I would think, gosh, I wish I was them.
20:53Then you can do a little bit on your wrists and your neck and then you smell the blood all day long. Oh, yes, that's true. Maybe put it on your spatula. Lipstick.
21:02Or if you were swimming the channel, you could put it on your chest.
21:04Yeah. It's a really good idea. I think we're all trying to use less single-use plastic, though, aren't we?
21:10You could make it of wood or another fabric, which was a material which was more... Denim. Denim? There's a lot of denim.
21:18A lot of jeans get ripped. I'm convinced. Yeah, I think there's a market in that.
21:22I can't understand why the two of you have not made a fortune so far. I've got other things as well. What's that?
21:28Those are just tissues in case you get butter on you. Now...
21:31Right. It's time to wrangle with the tangle that is general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
21:38What happened when War of the Worlds was first broadcast on the radio?
21:42Yes.
21:43Everybody panicked. They thought it was real.
21:45They set you up, man. They set you up.
21:51Is it the case that it was a news bulletin about it that caused the panic and not the actual broadcast?
21:57I mean, the whole thing is a sort of myth that's built up around it.
22:00So, Orson Welles, who you can see directing... This is a rehearsal and you can see him directing it.
22:03Because it was about an alien invasion and people thought it was real.
22:06Well, they did and they didn't. It was 1938. It was trailed for weeks as fiction and Welles told people before the broadcast and after the broadcast that it was fiction.
22:15It was interrupted four times to tell the listeners, it's just a play. And anyway, only 2% of the population listened to it.
22:23Aliens would say that, though, wouldn't they?
22:24Yeah, that is true.
22:26They were invading. They would say, it's just a play.
22:28Imagine if that happened with other TV programmes. Imagine if, like, every five minutes in Gavin and Stacey, they had to tell a man, go, I'm not really called this. My name's James Corden.
22:37There are very few isolated incidents.
22:40Welles agreed to compensate one man from Massachusetts for a pair of shoes since he had spent the money he had saved for a pair of shoes to get a train ticket to escape the Martians.
22:51And he said, I'll buy you some shoes because you're an idiot.
22:53Ten years later, there was an actual riot after a radio adaptation of the same play in Quito, Ecuador.
23:02But, you know, this was much more understandable. There'd been no warnings.
23:06There was a sister newspaper that had deliberately posted fake UFO sightings.
23:11The play used impressionists to pretend to be actual politicians and so on.
23:15And that riot did result in seven deaths. But the original, 1938, everybody was pretty much five.
23:22Now, where would you find the longest heat wave in living memory?
23:27Sahara Desert, that's hot, isn't it?
23:29Yeah, it is. They don't have it.
23:31Oh!
23:33Spain, have you seen A Place in the Sun?
23:37Do you remember our Japanese inventor, Dokkan Nakamatsu?
23:40Oh, yeah, Japan.
23:42The Underwater Doctor.
23:44Underwater.
23:45Underwater is the longest heat wave on Earth.
23:47It was in the North Pacific, so off the western coast of the United States.
23:51It lasted 711 days from 2014 to 2016.
23:55So we get a large mass of unusually warm water.
23:58It's basically a heat wave for the sea.
24:00Oh, I just thought it was someone weed in the water.
24:02But it's very bad when it happens.
24:04So algae thrives, which is very bad news for lots of species like salmon.
24:08And they swim away to somewhere.
24:10So we need to put their arm in and just swoosh it about.
24:12Yeah, just keep getting it moving.
24:13And put it up the other end of the bath.
24:15But if the fish go because it's too hot or it's too unpleasant,
24:19then the seabirds die.
24:21And during that heat wave, it was the cause of the biggest known mass die-off
24:25of a single species.
24:27Four million Guillemotts died.
24:28So, I mean, we need to pay attention.
24:30The way in which marine heat waves are defined is quite different
24:32to land heat waves.
24:33Land heat waves, it's a period of at least five days
24:36when temperatures are at least five degrees above average.
24:39So, 2013, Antarctica had a heat wave reached heights
24:42of minus 30 degrees Celsius.
24:45The longest heat wave that we know was in India,
24:48and that lasted, in 2024, lasted for 24 days.
24:51There was a British heat wave, 1976, which was remarkable.
24:55I remember it well.
24:56Oh, my goodness.
24:57And so there was a minister called Dennis Howell,
24:59and he was made the Minister of Drugs.
25:01Oh!
25:02Dennis Howell, yeah.
25:03Look at the colour of his bath water!
25:08He was charged by the then Prime Minister, James Callaghan,
25:11to persuade everybody to use less water,
25:13and even persuaded to do a rain dance on behalf of the nation outside
25:16number 10.
25:17That's when politicians really gave it their all.
25:20Anyway, days later, there was an enormous amount of rain
25:24after his dance, and he was made Minister of Floods.
25:27Are they not taking it seriously in the old days?
25:30I don't know, cos two years later, he was the Minister of State for Snow,
25:33so he did all the weather.
25:35Yeah. That guy.
25:36And this was a professional picture?
25:38This wasn't, like...
25:39This wasn't, like, leaked.
25:41I don't know if it's his Tinder profile.
25:44Um...
25:45What's the largest animal in the world that's not a whale?
25:53Christopher Biggins.
25:57I love Christopher Biggins.
25:59Biggest non-whale on the planet.
26:01Is it still in the water, though?
26:02Yes.
26:03Oh!
26:04I'm saying octopus, cos they've got those really long tentacles,
26:08haven't they?
26:09OK, I can tell you it's about one and a half times the length
26:11of a London bus.
26:12It's always buses, isn't it?
26:13It's always buses.
26:14Oh, jellyfish.
26:15It's always jellyfish.
26:16Well, OK.
26:17The biggest non-whale on the planet is a whale shark.
26:20We're always talking about buses, right?
26:22Yeah.
26:23Yeah.
26:24And I don't want to do that.
26:25So what we're going to do is we are going to use people.
26:27So what I do when I come out, beginning of the show,
26:29I learn the names of everybody in the audience.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33Which is nice, cos then I can speak to them.
26:35So, Joe, where's my friend Joe?
26:37Right, so Joe is going to hold up a sign at this end.
26:40I want to show you how big a whale shark is.
26:44And then where is my friend Neil?
26:46Thank you, Neil, darling.
26:47So Neil's going to stand up.
26:48So from Neil to Joe, that is the size of a whale shark.
26:54However, this is not even cracking into the top ten of animals.
26:59Obviously, we have to go to the large blue whale for something really big.
27:03And I don't think we've ever been able to do this before.
27:05But, my darling, could you go all the way to that wall with your sign?
27:10Thank you so much, Neil.
27:11And if he walks all the way to that wall there,
27:15that is the size of a blue whale.
27:18Do you not think that is remarkable?
27:20And we wanted to show you rather than tell you it's just so many buses.
27:24So well done, boys. Thank you so much.
27:26APPLAUSE
27:28All of which, wibbling and wobbling, brings us to the straight matter of the scores.
27:37Oh, is it the end?
27:38Yeah.
27:39You won't want to know the end because in last place...
27:43LAUGHTER
27:45All washed up with minus 27, it's Tom.
27:48Oh, I am so fabulous.
27:50She made a girl.
27:51APPLAUSE
27:52In third place, on the brink of a wipeout with minus 19, it's Sarah.
27:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:58In second place, wavering on the edge with minus eight, it's Phil.
28:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:04Our winner tonight, riding the wave, with a whole minus four...
28:11It's Alan!
28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:21So, I wave goodbye to Sarah, Tom, Phil and Alan,
28:24and I leave you with this wisecrack from the late former US President Jimmy Carter.
28:29My esteem in the country has gone up substantially so that now,
28:34when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38Thank you and goodnight.
28:39APPLAUSE
28:40APPLAUSE
28:43APPLAUSE
28:44APPLAUSE
28:45APPLAUSE
28:46APPLAUSE
28:47¡Gracias!
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