- 7 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:05These days I spend more and more time in my Wiltshire home.
00:11And the pub I own.
00:13Thinking about all the big problems in the world.
00:17And some smaller ones that annoy me.
00:21Luckily there's a place I can go to solve them all.
00:24Or at least try.
00:27My shed.
00:29Right.
00:31It's here that I have the tools.
00:33Let's just saw some wood up.
00:35The tea.
00:37And a couple of other highly competent blokes.
00:41Very good. Brace yourselves.
00:43Who've agreed to help me rid the world of problems.
00:46Is she getting the ticket out?
00:47Great.
00:48Dirty flight at us.
00:49And small.
00:51The cereal has gone soggy.
00:53I'll also have to take on other people's problems.
00:56What is wrong with Peter?
00:57He used to make a sound.
00:59And now he doesn't.
01:00By which I mean the locals at my pub who are always bringing me stuff to mend.
01:05Is it a train set?
01:07So join us and our excitable crew.
01:13Who will capture our endeavours.
01:15That was epic.
01:17As we create.
01:19Make.
01:20That feels like a terrible thing we've just done.
01:22Repair.
01:23So it's never worked.
01:24Not in my lifetime.
01:25And repurpose.
01:27In my shed load of ideas.
01:33What do you think?
01:34This is just brilliant.
01:36That's true.
01:37That's true.
01:39That's true.
01:40That's true.
01:41That's true.
01:42That's true.
01:43That's true.
01:44That's true.
01:45Ah, Wiltshire.
01:46A peaceful haven in the west country of England.
01:51Do not be deceived.
01:53This is a nerve centre with horses, where I plan to solve the nation's biggest issues.
02:00First on my list, something guaranteed to inflame the indignant passions of Englishmen and women nationwide.
02:10Well, that'll learn you.
02:11The yellow square of shame.
02:14Oh, it's the worst feeling in the world.
02:16This, viewers, is a parking ticket.
02:19Last year alone, 14.5 million of these were slapped on windscreens up and down the country.
02:27That's two every second.
02:30But some parking tickets are more frustrating than others, as our sound man Dan has just experienced.
02:38It's awful. There's the sense that the system has beaten you. The man has got you.
02:44However, just out of interest, Dan, how long had you paid to park?
02:49I paid to park for an hour.
02:51And when was that issued?
02:53Five minutes after the time.
02:55And there you go, you see. What a lot of people don't realise is that there is a ten-minute grace period.
03:00If you pay for parking of half an hour or more, there is ten minutes beyond that in which a traffic warden may not issue a ticket, at least not legally.
03:11And a lot of people don't realise this, and more importantly, a lot of traffic wardens don't realise this.
03:16So, what we're going to do is devise a system that warns traffic wardens of this piece of legislation and make sure they don't issue a parking ticket when they are not permitted to.
03:31The law is an ass.
03:33Of the 93,000 people who challenged a parking ticket in 2023, nearly half were successful and had their fine overturned.
03:44But if thousands of tickets are incorrectly issued each year by traffic wardens, something must be done.
03:50And it's going to take three men to find a solution in a shed.
03:55Bringing the brains.
03:59That means the winner is Sim.
04:01My engineering pal of 20 years, Simmy.
04:06We're going to make it better, though.
04:08Simmy can juggle anything I throw at him.
04:12Almost.
04:14And my other mate is a handyman who calls himself Tony the Tool.
04:20That's a job for you, Tony.
04:22He's good with wood.
04:23It's meant to be miles off, so you can chisel in.
04:26And game for just about anything.
04:29Tell my children I love them.
04:31As for me, I provide the shed and the fantastic hair.
04:37Gentlemen and crew, assemble.
04:44We're all ready, as usual.
04:46Right, viewers, the fight back against traffic wardens who don't understand the very legislation they are there to enforce.
04:57Nothing else starts here.
05:00And it's going to involve a bit of woodwork.
05:02It's going to involve some electronics and a timer and a sensor and one of these.
05:06A megaphone.
05:07That's quite loud.
05:08That is quite loud.
05:09We have in mind a rooftop traffic warden warning system for my car, where a sign pops up.
05:24That's a series one panda you've drawn, mine's a series three.
05:28And the legislation is read aloud if the sensor detects a ticket issued within the ten-minute grace period.
05:36Right, the exact wording is quite tedious.
05:39But, given that it's a law, it probably needs to be displayed in full.
05:45So I think we might as well make it almost as big as the roof of the car.
05:49And then it would go...
05:51And then this would go...
05:53I say, traffic warden, full details of the law are displayed in front of you on the sign that just popped up.
06:01Now until ten minutes are up.
06:04Something like that.
06:05Yeah.
06:06Right.
06:07I will read it to you, but you can see just how verbose it is.
06:10The Secretary of State, an exercise of the powers conferred by sections 72, 73, back brackets 3 and 89...
06:18...provision which was called A but is now called 1.
06:20No penalty charges payable for the contravention where the vehicle has been left beyond the permitted parking period
06:27for a period not exceeding ten minutes.
06:30There it is.
06:31That's the law and it's signed by Eric Pickles.
06:36I met Eric Pickles once, he was tremendous.
06:38Born 20th of April 1952.
06:41Parents, Constance, Joyce Pickles and Jack Branston Pickles.
06:45Branston Pickles?
06:47No, that's a joke.
06:48No, I made that up, Lottie.
06:51Right, shall we do some woodwork?
06:53Let's go to the chop saw.
06:54While Sim engineers a sensor to detect a parking ticket and a timer to set the grace period, Tony and I tackle the frame.
07:06Hands clear.
07:08Contact.
07:10For our plan to work, we need a sign that pops up only when a ticket is detected within that magic ten minutes.
07:18Let's get it to length first.
07:20And is big enough to display the letter of the law to the letter.
07:26Are you thinking of just screwing that together?
07:29For time, yes.
07:30Looks pretty good, actually.
07:34So that's the basic frame built.
07:37Next, we need to give our legalese some lift.
07:41So you can hinge it here.
07:43It's when it's released.
07:45So it pivots from there.
07:47How do we wind it?
07:51I don't know.
07:52While super brain Simi scratches his head.
07:56I take the opportunity to enjoy a nice relaxing cup of tea under my favourite tree.
08:07When I eventually return to the shed, Simi has made what looks like a sort of cat's cradle for blokes.
08:14Now I need to tie those.
08:16And that's got to go through there.
08:18And then we tie that.
08:20However, they will need to be the same length.
08:23Simi has decided to use something designed for torsion weapons before springs were invented.
08:30Also known as...
08:32Tourniquet.
08:33Oh, it's a tourniquet.
08:34It's a tourniquet.
08:36But it has to be a precise length, which requires tying a precise knot in a precise place.
08:42Were you in the scouts, anyone?
08:44I wasn't.
08:45I wasn't.
08:47I'm a scout.
08:51You'll have heard of the tourniquet you might tie if, for example, you've cut off your own leg and are bleeding to death.
08:57You pull that all the way through there.
08:59This tourniquet is how medieval boy scouts used to fire projectiles.
09:04Huge amount of string.
09:06Before giant springs were invented, trebuchets and crossbows used tightly twisted rope, which stores up energy.
09:13When released, it's powerful enough to launch whatever you want at whoever you don't like.
09:19So we've both got a free end.
09:23So we could tie that through there and then tie it in the middle.
09:27So the string being in a continuous loop, when twisted, string becomes spring.
09:37We hope that the powers stored in this tourniquet, once we wind it up, will be enough to lift our giant sign.
09:45That's a terrible knot, Simi.
09:47No, no, it's just a knot that won't.
09:49As they say in the Navy, if you can't tie a knot, tie a lot.
09:54So, Simi, do you think this will work?
10:00Possibly.
10:02Possibly.
10:03But if it doesn't work, we're back to square one.
10:05It's definitely working.
10:06Well...
10:07It's medieval science.
10:08It is, but there's a lot of tension going on around here, and it could just all implode.
10:13But I think we should wind it up, and we will see.
10:16Okay, well, why don't you two wind it up?
10:21Simi and Tony, using their immense strength, have wound this about as tightly as they can.
10:26Just a few final tweaks with our 14th century angle grinder.
10:33And Simi's antediluvian hammer.
10:36Okay, stand back everybody, because I'm going to release the vertical component of the sign lifter.
10:42Are you ready?
10:43No.
10:44Everybody ready on cameras?
10:48In three, two, one...
10:56Welcome back to Wiltshire, and the war against erroneous parking tickets.
11:02We have built a rooftop frame for my car, onto which we'll fix a giant printout of the legislation.
11:10Now we're about to test the tourniquet that lifts it up.
11:14Once the camera crew have sorted themselves out...
11:17Is everyone happy?
11:18Okay, so we need to build up to this.
11:20And action!
11:22Simi, do you think this will work?
11:24Possibly.
11:26By releasing the tightly wound ropes, we hope the stored energy will be enough to raise the sign.
11:33Everybody ready on cameras?
11:35In three, two, one...
11:38Woo!
11:40Yay!
11:44Huzzah! As they say in medieval times.
11:46Are you happy?
11:47Yes, I like the elegance of it, and it's historical as well, it has historical context.
11:57So, with some wood and some string, the materials that were used by our forebears, by our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers,
12:08plus an impact driver and an angle grinder, we are ready to end that dark period in history that has come to be known as the erroneous parking ticket issued during the ten-minute grace period in accordance with subsection B of the Road Traffic Act Amendment of 2015.
12:27Excellent work, men.
12:28Very good.
12:29Let's finish it off.
12:30While Tony finishes the frame and installs the sign, I'm off for a moment of quiet reflection.
12:39I'm very fortunate to call Wiltshire my home. I'm even more fortunate to have my own pub.
13:00Morning!
13:01But it's not all IPA and me-time.
13:06Sometimes, such as today, I come to the pub to have a quiet pint and contemplate my good luck in life, and somebody will come up to me with some knackered, priceless, sentimental family heirloom and say,
13:21Oh, James, could you just mend this?
13:23Yes, the downside of the locals knowing you have a pub and a penchant for tinkering is they also know where to ambush you.
13:34And sure enough, no sooner had Sim joined me in the garden than local Roger turns up with his grandfather's clockwork boat.
13:43First saw it when I was about six, seven years old. My grandfather said, I've got this for you. When I get it working, you shall have it.
13:5117 years later, when he died and I was clearing out his cupboard, I found that in the back of the drawer.
13:59So it's never worked?
14:00Not in my lifetime.
14:02Have you had it in water?
14:03I've put it in the water and pushed it, but never.
14:06Right, OK.
14:08Oh, we need to get that open and have a look.
14:10Shall I? Well, as it happens, my toolkit is always to hand.
14:13What about my long carburettor screwdriver, which gives you good leverage?
14:17Look at that. That is a nice screwdriver.
14:19That is a nice screwdriver.
14:21So have you ever taken it apart?
14:23No, no.
14:24My grandfather was something of a perfectionist and I felt if I messed it up, it would be on my head and I shall regret it.
14:32I can see that it's clockwork because I can see the square shaft that the key goes on, but you don't have the key and you've never had the key.
14:38Never had a key with it, no.
14:39So this has never worked in your lifetime, Roger.
14:43No.
14:44Do you mind if I ask how old you are now?
14:45Uh, 78.
14:46So this is coming off for the first time in at least 72 years.
14:51Ooh.
14:52Oh, look at that!
14:53Can you see this film crew?
14:55That is a...
14:56So the Germans were exceptionally good at...
14:58This is a wooden bow, but they were good at tin toys, clockwork and so on in the 1920s and 30s.
15:03In fact, they were probably the world leaders at that sort of thing.
15:07So I'm expecting something quite exquisite.
15:12Yeah, the spring looks to be intact.
15:15I think you've probably bashed that prop a few times, haven't you, Roger?
15:20I should think so, yeah.
15:22So I think all we really need to do with that, Simi, is take the motor out, possibly strip it, clean it, lube it, straighten the prop a bit,
15:30do a little bit of reshaping on this, but without altering the patina, put it back together.
15:36And there's your boat, sir. What are you going to do with it?
15:39Find a pond and take my grandchildren along as a memento of their great-great-grandfather.
15:45Great, yes. Great-great-grandfather.
15:50Reluctantly, Simi and I leave our pints and head back to the shed
15:55to see if we can bring Roger's grandfather's boat back to life.
16:01So, viewers, we're going to make a key, but we do know that it works
16:05because we wound it with a pair of slip pliers.
16:07Other problems are the rudder is not properly attached, the propeller is misshapen,
16:12but most importantly, we need to take the motor out and give it a jolly good clean,
16:16and that's why...
16:19Ha-ha!
16:20Our new favourite thing.
16:23First, we need to remove that exquisite clockwork motor.
16:26Ooh, that is turning for the first time since it went in there.
16:30Yeah.
16:34Right.
16:35Don't let me let go of it, otherwise...
16:37Keep your fingers out of the way.
16:39Whoa, look at that!
16:45There's not much wrong with that, to be honest.
16:52This is my ultrasonic cleaner.
16:54It's full of a cleansing fluid and, in essence,
16:58it explodes a load of bubbles on the surface of things,
17:01and that knocks the dirt off.
17:03It's going in.
17:04Let's see what that does.
17:10While the ultrasonic cleaner cleans ultrasonically...
17:14It's a little bit stiff.
17:17We try and straighten the rudder.
17:19Not bad.
17:20Right, the ultrasonic cleaner's finished.
17:23Ooh, that's clean.
17:25That's much better.
17:27Ten minutes to dry it off.
17:29Right, whilst that's happening...
17:31Ooh, that did something!
17:35That'll do comes the cry of the perfectionist down the ages.
17:39Time to refit the spotless motor.
17:42There you go.
17:43Right, I think it needs to come to you.
17:46No, there's the hole there.
17:48You see that one?
17:49Yeah.
17:50There you are, it's in.
17:51The boat is back together and greatly improved.
17:54The brake now works, the rudder is now straight,
17:56and it is settable.
17:58That's lovely.
17:59Which is really nice.
18:00That hasn't been like that for a very long time.
18:02And then it's...
18:03Well, we've got to make a key.
18:04Yep.
18:05But then she's ready for sea trials.
18:08Which will be a pond.
18:10Or a bath.
18:15To make the key for Roger's grandfather's clockwork boat,
18:19we need the lathe.
18:21Say well.
18:23And...
18:24Action.
18:25I start by facing off the brass rod.
18:31Then drilling a hole in the centre to the required depth.
18:34So that's one, two, three, so we want seven eights, don't we?
18:43So what I've done there, viewers, is lathe work page one.
18:47I've faced off a piece of brass, drilled a hole through it, parted it off and faced off the other end.
18:52That's just about the simplest thing you can do on a lathe, isn't it?
18:55There is a round hole going through a piece of brass.
18:57But Simi is now going to turn that into a square hole, using the skill of the craftsperson.
19:04Whilst you work on that, I'm going to open my special broad-necked flask,
19:09which has a folding spoon.
19:12Very good.
19:14I'm not going to show you what's in here, because it's secret.
19:19My favourite!
19:22Back in a minute.
19:24Very good.
19:26Whilst I tuck into my secret lunch, Simi files the round hole so it can fit a square peg.
19:33James?
19:34Yeah?
19:35I think I've done your key.
19:36I don't want to quit.
19:37Well, that could have been quicker, but...
19:39It's beautiful, man.
19:40Actually, what would be quite nice is to just put a knurled knob on the top.
19:45Ooh!
19:46Because then it's very individual.
19:47It's very personalised.
19:49I can do you a knurled knob.
19:52To successfully knurl a knob, I need a special knurling tool.
19:57Knurling is a cross-hatched pattern that makes things grippy.
20:02Yes, that is knurling.
20:04OK, I'm going to go for it.
20:08It's quite nice, isn't it?
20:11Next, I drill a hole in the centre to accept the bit we've already made.
20:16Job well done.
20:18All that's left to do is solder the two pieces together.
20:21Oh, yeah.
20:22Here we go, here we go.
20:23Here we go.
20:24Here we go, here we go, here we go.
20:26Here we go.
20:27Here we got it.
20:28You've gone?
20:29Yeah.
20:31Beautiful.
20:33That is still actually quite warm when you've been holding it for several seconds.
20:39Even hot.
20:40Yeah, that bit's probably a little ...
20:43that I think we've achieved greatness there, and that looks fabulous,
20:45and I hope Roger appreciates it.
20:51Now, if there's one thing I love more than my lathe, it's pubs.
20:56I love them so much, I bought one.
21:01Pubs are a very tough business.
21:03That's why so many are closing.
21:06So those of us with successful surviving pubs
21:09have to think constantly about how to keep costs down
21:12without compromising quality.
21:15Today, I'm concerned with the cost of producing chips,
21:19a staple of pubs everywhere,
21:21but with the potential to ruin the whole business.
21:27This is Mark, one of the chefs at the Royal Oak Swallowcliffe,
21:31just off the A30 between Shaftesbury and Salisbury.
21:33And he makes chips.
21:35He doesn't only make chips, he makes all sorts of delicious things,
21:37but he does spend quite a lot of his time making the chips.
21:40How many potatoes do you think you turn into chips in a week?
21:43We do about five or six bags, there's about 140 potatoes in a bag.
21:48So there's thousands of potatoes turned into chips every week?
21:51By hand.
21:52Wow.
21:53Anyway, the pub would like me to buy them a chip-making machine,
21:57which I think costs about 450 quid, isn't it?
22:00That'd be great.
22:01Yeah.
22:02But what if there's another way?
22:04What if there is a money-saving, engineering-based solution?
22:09Sim and Tony think they may have one.
22:12Leaves frayed in a tantalising way.
22:14I wonder what they're cooking up.
22:23And will their idea be as good as mine?
22:26It's a bit of overkill for a potato, isn't it?
22:28The British pub teeters on the verge of extinction, all because of chips.
22:43It's either hours of cutting them by hand or a prohibitively expensive chip-making machine.
22:50We are trying to save time and cut costs whilst chopping chips.
22:58So Simi and Tony think the answer is a tennis bat.
23:01This is a perfectly standard one.
23:03It's not been replaced with cheese wire or anything.
23:06It's just normal nylon strings.
23:08And the idea is that you hit the potato and the potato comes out of the other side as chips.
23:13How should we try it?
23:14Under-arm serve.
23:15Can we just question...
23:17She's just, like, thinking this is going to work.
23:19I guess it'll work.
23:20Is that the ridiculous thing?
23:22Well, I don't...
23:23You've got a rock-hard potato and quite a soft-string tennis racket.
23:27The crew are very cynical about the tennis racket method.
23:30I don't see why it wouldn't work.
23:32I mean, it's no more remarkable than cutting up a big piece of cheese in a supermarket with a...
23:37I know that's a wire and these are nylon, but they're very taut.
23:41You need to hit that with some gusto, though.
23:43I'll serve it to you here.
23:45Right.
23:45And if you hit it with a forearm smash.
23:48OK.
23:48OK.
23:49OK.
23:50Oh!
23:51Yes!
23:54Look!
23:55That's a perfect chip.
23:57That's a chip.
23:58And that's a chip.
23:59That one.
24:00Look at that.
24:00Look at those chips!
24:02They're chips!
24:03To whom should I show these?
24:06Right.
24:07Our work here is done.
24:08Can I just say that if I showed you those in the kitchen of my house, you'd say, oh, James has made some chips.
24:14No doubt about it whatsoever.
24:15Those are chips.
24:16And everybody on this crew said, no, a tennis racket won't work.
24:19Well, it does.
24:20They've got grass in them.
24:21They've got grass in them, I accept that.
24:23But nevertheless, collection of the chips is a bit of an issue.
24:29If I go in and say, I'd like steak and chips, please, somebody has to go and walk around the field for half an hour picking chips up.
24:35Is there a way of making this more contained, more repeatable?
24:42Hmm.
24:43Can we attach something on the back of the tennis racket to catch them?
24:47Although it would slow the tennis racket down because of drag, unless it was a net.
24:50But is there a way of fixing the tennis racket and throwing the potatoes at it?
24:55Yeah, we could do that.
24:56Easy.
24:57And then put a bucket behind and you just get a bucket of chips.
24:59Yeah.
25:01After a brief interlude to gather some more equipment...
25:05We return with our potato chipper version 2.0.
25:12Which is a mounted tennis bat and a cannon.
25:17All we need now is a method behind here for collecting the chips as they fly through.
25:23So you just go bang, bang, bang, walk back to the pub with a massive tub of chips.
25:28Easy.
25:29That can simply sit there and catch all the chips.
25:32For maximised ballistic effect, we've cut the potatoes to the same size as the bore of the cannon.
25:40Clever.
25:41Cue the inevitable lecture in health and safety.
25:46It's a very high-speed cannon and a very heavy potato.
25:51The crew of HMS Victory didn't wear safety goggles.
25:55Nelson would be alive and well today if he had.
25:57Well, he did lose an eye, didn't he?
25:59The power behind our super-sized spud gun is Simi's air compressor.
26:05Also useful for inflating beach toys.
26:08Simi is loading.
26:11Tony is firing.
26:12I'm aiming.
26:15Glasses on.
26:15Glasses on.
26:18That's four bar.
26:19Well tapped, Tony.
26:21Ready?
26:22Yep.
26:23Fire in the hole.
26:23Those are chips.
26:32Chips, man.
26:33Loads of chips.
26:36That works.
26:37That is the beginnings of a big bucket of chips.
26:40All we need now is a few more potatoes.
26:42That's a potato.
26:44And our slow-mo camera.
26:45I think you just killed the GoPro.
27:04If the word gets out that the Royal Oak is producing chips in a novel way,
27:09it will become even more busy and popular than it already is.
27:13And I don't think that's very efficient.
27:15But I suddenly remembered.
27:18If you two wait there...
27:20What's that?
27:22What the?
27:27My high-power answer to chipping potatoes is a rather lovely burnt orange 2-tonne 55-horsepower diesel wood chipper.
27:38Capable of chipping 8-inch logs.
27:41It's a bit of overkill for a potato, isn't it?
27:44And therefore a King Edward.
27:50What do you think?
27:51It has the word chip in its name.
27:53Will it fit in the kitchen?
27:54No.
27:55It will fit in the garden or the car park.
27:57And this will make chips on an industrial scale.
28:01So that goes roughly in there.
28:09Ready?
28:09Ready.
28:10Feed in the potatoes.
28:14Put the bucket.
28:24Well...
28:25I'm not quite sure what you'd call that.
28:28That looks like when you make a potato what, sir?
28:31Rosti.
28:32That'd make a fantastic rosti, that.
28:35This is field to fork.
28:36That is quite literally off the field there.
28:38I can pretty much guarantee that when we take those into the kitchen and give them to Mark,
28:43he's going to have a small tantrum.
28:44So, will Mark agree that we've come up with a fantastic alternative to the £450 chip-making machine?
28:53They look like you've kicked them around the car park.
28:56Well, we sort of did in a way, or around the field.
28:58These are my chips.
29:00Those are pure tennis racket chips.
29:02These are Simi's chips, which are tennis racket and air cannon.
29:07And these are Tony's chips and potato mush.
29:11Keep the grass, everything.
29:13I don't know what to say.
29:16I think my daughter did something like this when she was about to.
29:21While Mark prepares our new low-cost, no-chop chips,
29:25we reward our efforts with a nice, refreshing pint of lemonade.
29:33I used to play this with my brother when I was, I don't know, eight or nine,
29:37and he was six or seven.
29:39This is just plain lemonade,
29:41and the game is to see who can put their tongue in it for the longest.
29:46Sure.
29:48No, because, well, I don't know.
29:50Is this what you used to play?
29:51Yeah.
29:51Maybe you're more sensitive as a child,
29:52but after about 15 or 20 seconds, it starts to hurt, believe it or not.
29:57Right, you ready?
29:58Yeah.
29:58In three, two, one, go.
30:02You might be forgiven for thinking this is just three grown men
30:05with their tongue stuck in pints of lemonade.
30:10We're actually testing our endurance to carbonic acid,
30:13which is what gives the lemonade its fizz.
30:22Oh, I like it.
30:26It hurts, doesn't it?
30:29Oh, we have a whipper.
30:33Tony!
30:35That was so good.
30:37Isn't that weird?
30:37Why does it hurt your tongue?
30:39I don't know.
30:40And how did we discover that?
30:41So, Tony's best at sticking his tongue in lemonade.
30:52But now, back to chips.
30:55Have we saved Chef Mark time and the Royal Oak money?
30:58That seems...
30:59Nice, thank you.
31:01...with grass.
31:03They look nice.
31:06Oh, they're good.
31:09These are nice, fluffy.
31:11Great.
31:12Good news and bad news, viewers.
31:14The good news is...
31:16My chips are as cheap as chips.
31:19The bad news, however...
31:21Has a slight Tennessee quality to it.
31:25I don't like the grass.
31:27I think I've got to buy the chip-making machine.
31:29If I'm really honest.
31:32You've wolfed that, Tony.
31:34The chips are beautiful.
31:35So, £450 lighter, but with a happy chef.
31:44It's time to return to the bane of all our lives.
31:55We've built a pop-up frame for my car
31:57to remind ticket-happy traffic wardens of the law.
32:01Huzzah, as they say in medieval times.
32:06Next, the tech that triggers the warning device.
32:11Simi has devised a system using two timers.
32:15The switch from the one-hour timer
32:17could effectively be a solenoid to trigger the second timer.
32:21Yes.
32:21An electromagnet.
32:24Yes.
32:26I like an electromagnet.
32:27And something called a PIR sensor.
32:31Passive infrared.
32:32The sort of thing that controls your security lights
32:35when somebody walks past.
32:36Time to fit the rig onto my panda.
32:38If the PIR sensor detects unauthorised movement
32:45on the windscreen within the ten-minute grace period,
32:49my rooftop contraption will unleash legislative hell.
32:56Right, I now have to record the words.
33:00I think I might only have one shot at this.
33:02Here we go.
33:02Is everybody ready?
33:04Now hear this.
33:05Traffic Warden, Road Traffic England,
33:07the Civil Enforcement of Parking Contraventions England
33:09General Amendment Regulations 2015.
33:13And in the time it takes for me to read the legislation in full,
33:17that's five more parking tickets that we could have saved.
33:20And that is because...
33:22No penalty charge is payable
33:24for the contravention where the vehicle has been left
33:26beyond the permitted parking period
33:28for a period not exceeding ten minutes.
33:32Got it?
33:33That's from Eric Pickles,
33:35Secretary of State,
33:38Department of Communities and Local Government.
33:43Good. Right. Let's go.
33:46Simmy, Tony.
33:48Come on, we're going shopping.
33:50We're going up to town.
33:51Ooh!
33:52You can have an ice cream if you want.
33:56Road trip.
33:57Are we there yet?
34:02Nearly.
34:06So, how will the unsuspecting locals react
34:10when our parking legislation-loaded panda rolls into town?
34:15For legislation lovers everywhere,
34:25the big day has arrived.
34:27Exciting.
34:28It is quite exciting.
34:29Yeah.
34:30We're off to my local town, Tisbury,
34:32where we will road test our traffic warden warning device.
34:36Normally, you go to town in the car and you think,
34:37oh, I hope I don't get a parking ticket.
34:39But we hope we do get a parking ticket.
34:42Or at least we hope we get a parking ticket
34:44in the ten minutes between the expiration
34:45of the allotted parking time
34:47and the ten-minute window
34:48that's been inserted into the regulations
34:50in April 2015
34:51by Judge Eric Pickles.
34:56Space.
34:57Nice.
34:58Oh, perfect.
35:00There.
35:01That's a terrible bit of parking.
35:06That is an awful bit of parking, James.
35:07Yeah.
35:08I cocked that up, didn't I?
35:09Trying to be clever.
35:12Right, a quick reminder of how this works.
35:15Obviously, this is a prototype.
35:16If it's ever included as an option on new cars,
35:18it'll be quite a bit more refined.
35:21But, essentially, there are two timers in this unit here
35:25and the display comes up here with the time elapsed.
35:28I'm going to set this for one hour
35:30because that's how much parking I'm about to pay for.
35:32At the end of an hour,
35:34it switches over to this circuit
35:36which displays a countdown of ten minutes on there.
35:39During that ten-minute period,
35:41the PIR sensor is active
35:43and if anybody tries to put a ticket on the car,
35:46the message will crop up
35:47and my voice will come out of the megaphone
35:49warning them that they're actually
35:51on the wrong side of the law.
35:53So, I'm just going to finish paying for the parking
35:55for one hour and started
35:59and turn the system on
36:00and we're off to the hardware shop.
36:03My Panda is a ticking time bomb
36:10of electromagnets, tourniquets and the law.
36:14Just waiting for a ticket-happy traffic warden
36:17or a member of the production team in a high-vis.
36:20But, in the meantime...
36:24This is Coffee Angels where you get an excellent bacon and egg roll.
36:28The Chinese is good.
36:29If you're in on your own watching Where Eagles Dare.
36:32Hardware's on the right.
36:34Oh, look!
36:35The thermos with the little spoon in it.
36:38Little screwdrivers.
36:39Everything you could possibly want.
36:41It turns out, time flies when you're three blokes looking at tools.
36:48You don't need a tape measure.
36:50No, I like tape measures.
36:51When the pump's shut and they're clear.
36:53With just five minutes until the Panda is armed...
36:56It's time to take our positions.
37:02Let's have a nice, refreshing cup of tea and observe our car.
37:07With our traffic warden slash team member lurking...
37:12The time is upon us to see if our prototype warning system works.
37:16Is she getting the ticket out?
37:33Yeah!
37:35Oh!
37:37No!
37:38Wait for it.
37:41No!
37:42Yes!
37:46That's so good!
37:50It's like the sails of the cutting sark.
37:56Now hear this.
37:57Traffic warden.
37:58Road traffic.
37:58England.
37:59The civil enforcement of parking contraventions.
38:01England.
38:01General amendment.
38:02Regulations.
38:032015.
38:05The regulations in full.
38:07These regulations may be cycled as the civil enforcement of parking contraventions.
38:11England.
38:11General amendment.
38:12That's never happened before, has it?
38:13A great big sign has erected itself on the top of the ground.
38:16Oh, my God.
38:17That looks fantastic.
38:22The locals are out in their tens to see Tisbury, assume it's rightful place in the annals of history,
38:30thanks to the launch of our traffic warden warning device.
38:33It's quite elaborate, but it worked.
38:40No penalty charge is payable for the contravention where the vehicle has been left beyond the permitted parking period for a period not exceeding ten minutes.
38:51Got it?
38:52That's from Eric Pickles, Secretary of State, Department of Communities and Local Government.
39:00Yes!
39:04That's so good!
39:06That is so good!
39:08That is a victory for common sense, it's a victory for the motorist, it's a victory for the rule of law, and it's a victory for our hero, Eric Pickles.
39:22Thank you, sir.
39:25We've still got to move in the next six and a half minutes.
39:27So, we've seen off one ticket-happy traffic warden.
39:35Now, I've got to see a man about a boat.
39:40You see, there's only one thing better than mending something like a broken clockwork toy,
39:45and that's reuniting it with its owner, like Roger here.
39:50Good afternoon, sir.
39:52How are you?
39:53I'm fine, thank you.
39:54Good to see you again.
39:54Nice to see you.
39:55Here is your boat.
39:56Wow.
39:57OK, would you like us to tell you what we've done?
39:59I'd love to know what you've done.
40:02Removed, ultrasonically cleaned, serviced and re-lubricated the engine, reshaped the prop.
40:08That looks a lot better.
40:09Yes.
40:10Reattached the rudder to a reshaped tiller, which now locks into position on that bar, which it didn't do previously.
40:19And you've never had a key for it.
40:21I'm afraid I don't have a key, no.
40:23Well, you have now.
40:27Fantastic.
40:27But is Roger's grandfather's toy boat ship-shape and pond-worthy?
40:33So what we thought we could do, since you've never been able to do this, is you can wind it, set the rudder.
40:39Simi will row out in the little boat to the middle of the lake.
40:42You can send it to him, and then he can rewind it and send it back so that it emerges as if from your incomplete childhood,
40:51crewed by the spirits of your forebears.
40:53Only 72 years after it was given to me.
40:56That is fantastic.
40:57This boat is overdue, but it is coming.
41:00Okay, Simi, off you go in the boat.
41:02Off you go from the boat.
41:03You wind her up, sir.
41:06That's quite a big spring, it turns out.
41:10So you place it in the water, simply push that aside and release, and don't fall in the lake.
41:22Aim it at the boat.
41:23Wow.
41:24Yes.
41:25Fantastic.
41:26That's absolutely fantastic.
41:40Oh.
41:41Oh.
41:42I think it's got weed on the propeller.
41:45That was so fantastic for a few seconds.
41:52It was, it had, I'm sorry.
41:54It was obviously doing what it was intended to do.
41:57That's further than it's ever been before.
41:59In my part, since I've owned it.
42:02Deweed.
42:02Oh, my God.
42:05Right, Simi will now send it back.
42:07It has to avoid the weed, the duck, the swan, and the weight of history.
42:13Simi, let her go.
42:15Oh, there we go.
42:17Slight right rudder, but powering away.
42:20That's fantastic.
42:21Incredible.
42:22Oh, look.
42:23There she comes.
42:25That lake is a whole ocean to that little toy boat.
42:28That's its longest voyage so far.
42:34Yes.
42:36I hope your grandfather is suitably pleased.
42:39I'm sure he'll be spinning in his grave to know that finally, it's got on the water and
42:46works.
42:47That's just incredible.
42:49Absolutely marvellous.
42:51So, I'm feeling slightly moved.
42:58Your boat, sir.
43:00Thank you so much.
43:01I'm absolutely thrilled, delighted, and I think my grandchildren are going to enjoy this
43:07very much.
43:08Excellent.
43:09Well, thank you very much for giving us the opportunity to mend it.
43:12So, that's a win for my pub-based community mending programme.
43:17And one jolly roger.
43:20Sim, are you going to come back or are you just going to row around all day?
43:23I might just row around all day.
43:25It's quite nice.
43:28Do you want a pork pie?
43:28I've got one for you.
43:31I'd have a pork pie.
43:32Do.
43:33Good very much.
43:33Good.
43:43Good.
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