Why When Harry Met Sally is Still the Most Iconic Fall Rom-Com 💞 Explained

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00:00When Harry Met Sally totally shook up ideas about what a rom-com could really be.

00:04I'll have what she's having.

00:06In the 35 years since its release, it's become an iconic autumn comfort movie

00:10and managed to remain engaging and relatable even as the times have changed.

00:14Let's take a look at the three key ingredients that have allowed When Harry Met Sally to stand the test of time.

00:20Well, I just want it the way I want it.

00:21In look, style, and demeanor, all of the characters in the film feel like real people

00:25that you could run into on the street in everyday life.

00:27They're not shiny and glamorous, but instead just average people trying to figure themselves out

00:33and find their way in the world.

00:34And importantly, both Sally and Harry are allowed to be specific individual people.

00:39They're not cardboard cutouts made as general as possible

00:42so that the maximum number of audience members can project themselves onto them,

00:46but instead are written to feel genuine in a way that's actually relatable.

00:50Sally is type A and high maintenance, and not ashamed of it.

00:54There are two kinds of women, high maintenance and low maintenance.

00:57Which one am I?

00:58You're the worst kind.

00:59You're high maintenance, but you think you're low maintenance.

01:02I don't see that.

01:03She might not always be 100% sure of herself,

01:06but she believes in herself enough to keep going with what she wants even when she gets pushback.

01:11That doesn't mean you're deep or anything.

01:12I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person.

01:16So am I.

01:16And I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.

01:18And it's this inner confidence that allows her to go toe-to-toe with Harry,

01:22the cynical know-it-all,

01:23who believes that he has supreme insight into the way of the world and all of the people in it.

01:28Because eventually things move on and you don't take someone to the airport,

01:31and I never wanted anyone to say to me,

01:32how come you never take me to the airport anymore?

01:34It's amazing.

01:35You look like a normal person, but actually you are the angel of death.

01:39And though her style updates with the times over the course of the film,

01:43she's never forced to go through a movie makeover to be loved scenario.

01:46Just like with everything else,

01:47she knows how she wants to look,

01:49and she doesn't feel the need to change herself for someone else.

01:52The relationships outside of the titular pair are important as well,

01:55because these characters are also allowed to be full people with their own lives and problems,

02:00which makes the entire story feel even more like a glimpse into a real world.

02:04I want you to know

02:06that I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table.

02:11Sally is career focused.

02:13She is determined to do well at her job and keep moving up the ladder.

02:16This trait was part of a larger trend, both on screen and in real life at the time,

02:21as women had begun carving out their own paths in the workforce throughout the 1980s in a big way.

02:26And it continues to resonate today,

02:28as we still continue to come up against many of the same hurdles,

02:31particularly the idea that we can and should have it all.

02:35While so often, it feels like having even one piece is difficult, much less all of it.

02:40And I'm gonna be 40!

02:43It's just sitting there like this big dead end.

02:47And it's not the same for men.

02:49And all of this is, of course, thanks to screenwriter Nora Ephron,

02:53who wasn't afraid to make her female characters complex and unapologetically intelligent,

02:57just like herself.

02:58Because Nora was a confident working woman herself,

03:01and saw how her work and her success impacted her relationships,

03:05she was able to include those facets in her characters in honest ways.

03:09Her female characters aren't framed as bad or selfish for wanting to have a career and a romantic life,

03:14but she also wasn't afraid to dig into the more harsh realities of how difficult that could really be,

03:19especially in that era.

03:20I read your article about ice cream,

03:22and I have to tell you, I disagree with you about Haagen-Dazs when I'm raising.

03:26I'm so vicious, man.

03:28I'm a vicious person.

03:29In 1986's Heartburn, based off of her semi-autobiographical novel,

03:34and for which she wrote the screenplay,

03:36was based on this issue coming to a head in her real life

03:39during her marriage to Carl Berenstein,

03:41one of the journalists who broke the Watergate scandal.

03:43Why are you angry at me for?

03:45I'm not angry at you!

03:47Well, then what are you shouting at me for?

03:50Because you're the only one that's here.

03:52That story saw the main character attempting to stick it out through a bad relationship,

03:56and ended with her finally leaving her philandering husband.

04:00You couldn't even pay cash like a normal philanderer.

04:03You charged everything.

04:05I mean, look at this flower.

04:06Look at all these flowers that you bought her!

04:08So it makes sense that in her next screenplay,

04:10she was interested in taking a look at things going the other way.

04:14Two people staying apart until they had each individually grown enough

04:18to be together in a stable relationship.

04:21Though the film has become associated with fall for many,

04:23it actually covers not only many seasons, but many years.

04:26We follow Sally and Harry through many seasons of their life,

04:30from leaving university to settling into unsure adulthood 12 years later,

04:34and many of the struggles in between.

04:36Someone is staring at you in personal growth.

04:39Both Sally and Harry live full lives in between their meetings.

04:43They try things out and sometimes fail,

04:45and through those ups and downs, find personal growth.

04:48They both enter long-term relationships that don't work out.

04:51Sally had been strung along for years with her ex,

04:54hoping that one day he would agree to settle down.

04:56All this time, I've been saying that he didn't want to get married.

05:01But the truth is, he didn't want to marry me.

05:05Harry got married, but for all he thought he knew about women,

05:09he learns that he doesn't know and can't control everything.

05:13Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity.

05:16It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.

05:18Really?

05:19Well, that symptom is f***ing my wife.

05:21These relationships aren't framed as just small little throwaway dalliances

05:25that were just there to waste time before the real love story began.

05:28They really do affect each of them deeply,

05:31and change how they feel about themselves and relationships in general.

05:34This is a key part of each character's evolution.

05:37Taking chances and figuring out what you don't want and what doesn't work for you

05:40is an important part of building the life that you do want.

05:43To Harry and Sally, if Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive,

05:50we would not be here today.

05:51Because Sally and Harry are polar opposites in many ways,

05:55they're also able to foster each other's growth by pushing each other

05:58to think about life and relationships from new perspectives.

06:01Most women at one time or another have faked it.

06:04Or they haven't faked it with me.

06:05It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them,

06:07and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.

06:10The pair finally sleeping together isn't a grand romantic relationship solidifying moment,

06:15but instead something that does almost ruin their relationship for good,

06:19because Harry hadn't yet grown out of his old ways.

06:22I can't do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize.

06:25The film doesn't posit that there's some magic movie moment that makes love work,

06:29but instead focuses on the reality that you have to put in the work.

06:34I love you.

06:35How do you expect me to respond to this?

06:38How about you love me too?

06:40How about I'm leaving?

06:42Not just settling for someone because they say they like you,

06:44or you're afraid you won't have any other options,

06:47but instead working both to get past your own fears and hang-ups,

06:50and to find someone that really fits into your life and loves you for you.

06:55One of the lasting, central questions of the film

06:57surrounds the idea that Harry puts forth in the opening.

07:00Is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

07:04Given that the pair do end up together,

07:06it might seem like the film is suggesting that,

07:09no, it isn't possible for men and women to be just friends.

07:12But really, we see how their friendship did enrich their lives.

07:15Even if they hadn't ended up together,

07:17they would have still been important parts of each other's lives and growth.

07:20And indeed, in the original script, they didn't end up together.

07:24It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.

07:31What the film really seeks to explore is how integral that base of friendship,

07:35of genuine love and care of the other person as a full human being,

07:39is to having a functioning romantic relationship.

07:42The point is to figure out who you are and what you want,

07:45and then find the person that fits with that.

07:47As opposed to changing yourself, by choice or through movie magic,

07:51instantly to fit what someone else wants or thinks you should be,

07:54like with so many rom-coms.

07:56I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.

07:59I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

08:02I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose

08:03when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

08:05Real relationships don't have some instant spark

08:07followed quickly by a happily ever after.

08:09They're messy and complex and sometimes difficult.

08:12But that core of friendship allows partners to work through the tough times

08:16and enjoy the good.

08:18I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody,

08:22you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

08:25And all of this is driven home by the fact that the film doesn't end with a big wedding scene,

08:29holding that up as the goal or prize.

08:31Instead, the film closes with the pair being interviewed

08:34in the same way as the other couples interspersed throughout the film,

08:38opening up about their relationship and showing why it really works.

08:42The first time we met, we hated each other.

08:44No, you didn't hate me. I hated you.

08:46The second time we met, you didn't even remember me.

08:49I did too. I remembered you.

08:51The third time we met, we became friends.

08:53When Harry Met Sally continues to hold up,

08:55whether it's your first time watching or your 100th,

08:58because it's human-relatable core and focus on real, messy growth and love.

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