00:00My daughter passed away during active labor nine months ago tomorrow. So my first sign of going into
00:04labor was I was just having contractions. The next morning they started to speed up a little bit and
00:08I called my midwife, told me that it's probably a good idea to do some spinning babies exercises.
00:13So this is what we're doing here. I'm on my bed. You can see my birth top with the tarp underneath.
00:18All these exercises, it was not easy to do. In a decent amount of pain. Four centimeters
00:23dilated at this point. This is the moment her world came crashing down. My midwife took baby's
00:29heartbeat and Bella's heartbeat was no longer found. Obviously not trying to scare anyone,
00:35but I do want to educate because that's the first time by myself. I thought that this was like
00:38the way to go. And obviously my views have completely changed since this experience
00:43happened to me. After her failed home birth, she was rushed to hospital where the most
00:47heartbreaking experience of her life occurred. But once Bella's heartbeat was no longer found
00:52on a Doppler, we did go to the hospital and I had to deliver her at the hospital. It was a really,
00:57really traumatic experience. So I delivered my daughter, Bella, stillborn. She passed away during
01:01labor during a planned home birth. I did go to the hospital and deliver her there. You're going
01:05to be really scared to see your baby. That's so normal. No one is expecting to see their baby or
01:10give birth to their baby. Like it's literally horrible. I was really afraid to see Bella. I
01:15actually had them clean her off immediately. She had marconium like all over her. And I did ask,
01:19I was like, is that her cause? And they're like, no. She had so many questions after this happened
01:24and was left with only unexpected side effects she had no other choice but to deal with.
01:29My postpartum experience was absolutely horrific. Obviously it would still hurt if I had a living
01:32baby, but like it would be worth it. Sadly, I had my girl come in like three days later. It was
01:36incredibly painful. I did dry it up. Horrible tear. Multiple tears. I remember my husband and I
01:41like clenching each other's hands being like, she's going to come out screaming. She's going to come
01:44out screaming. Like they made a mistake. She's going to come out screaming. And she came out
01:47completely silent. And there's just truly no words to express how absolutely horrific that is.
01:53Despite the trauma of this experience, she had another baby not long after this and is even
01:57pregnant with a new baby. But the fear of reliving this ordeal still lingers.
02:01Okay. This is like actually insane. It has even been 10 seconds. Like I don't remember it being
02:06this dark when I was pregnant with Bella or Zoe until like way later.
02:12After it was confirmed she was in fact pregnant, her history still lingers and clouds any future
02:17excitement. I'm seven and a half weeks pregnant today. I am a little stressed. When I went to my
02:22ultrasound, they basically said, I thought I was measuring at nine and a half weeks. When I went
02:28there, they were like, you're measuring at seven weeks. And they were like, look, there's really
02:31good cardio activity. There's a really strong heartbeat. There is a chance that I could miscarry.
02:36And I think that's a really scary thing to grasp. They did say that if I was like measuring at six
02:42weeks, they would be way more concerned and want to see me in a week. But since I'm like in the
02:46middle, they still feel really confident. So they don't want to see me for another two and a half,
02:50three weeks. I just don't know. I feel like delusional me just wants to kind of like avoid
02:55that at all costs and just like kind of run away from my problems. But you can't really want to run
02:59away from pregnancy.
