- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:00:30Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:00:34Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:00:37We put together a sweet situation
00:00:40From a plan born in my brain
00:00:44We finally bagged the taste of a good life
00:00:49Took a ride on a gravy train
00:00:52Then it all came crashing down
00:00:56Tell me where we're on
00:01:01But now we're busted, busted
00:01:06We thought we had it under control
00:01:11But now we're busted, busted
00:01:14Ain't nowhere to hide
00:01:18Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:26Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:30Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:34Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:38The bottom fell out of our love boat
00:01:42Now it's time to sink or swim
00:01:45We didn't do any harm to anybody
00:01:49Sometimes fate won't let you in
00:01:5313-8, we didn't do anything for 13-8
00:01:56We didn't do anything for 13-8
00:01:58Hey, you know, Uncle Alex, I really miss that great white.
00:02:02Things just haven't been the same since he's been gone.
00:02:05Yeah, that fish was a minnow compared to the barracuda I married.
00:02:09Hamilton, where have you been all morning?
00:02:11Out work in the streets. It's a jungle out there.
00:02:14Found a missing earring.
00:02:16Hamilton, hit the streets.
00:02:18Yes, sir.
00:02:19Time for roll call.
00:02:21Let's roll.
00:02:25Lacey?
00:02:26Pumpernickels, sir.
00:02:27Casey?
00:02:28Onion, sir.
00:02:30How?
00:02:30Sesame seed, sir.
00:02:32David?
00:02:34I actually, uh, I wanted sesame seed.
00:02:37You had it last roll call.
00:02:38Yes, but I wanted it now, too.
00:02:40I like sesame seed.
00:02:41I wanted the damn sesame seed.
00:02:43You did it.
00:02:43Give me the fucking sesame seed.
00:02:53That's why I'm the captain.
00:02:57Oh, I'm sorry.
00:02:58I'm sorry.
00:02:59Hey, ladies, knock it off.
00:03:03Where the hell's Clifford?
00:03:04He's down cleaning the sewage pumps, last time I saw him.
00:03:07Yeah, that's where he belongs.
00:03:11All right.
00:03:13Got a busy day ahead of us.
00:03:16Let's see what we've got this week.
00:03:18All right.
00:03:19So far, we've had robberies, zero.
00:03:22Accidental deaths, zero.
00:03:24Murders, zero.
00:03:26But we have had an increase in the number of women jumping out of their showers and running
00:03:30through the yard.
00:03:32Naked.
00:03:34That, that would be the peeping Tom.
00:03:44We have a sketch.
00:03:49It's a little rough right now, but we're still working on it.
00:03:53You should get a fair idea.
00:03:54Not bad.
00:04:00Really nice.
00:04:02Well, I know it's, uh, it's a little rough, but it's the best I could do right up front.
00:04:07So, basically, I want you to keep doing what you're doing.
00:04:12Keep your eyes out for that peeping Tom.
00:04:18And don't get caught sleeping in the squad.
00:04:20I, uh, that's because I was using my other senses, like an idiot.
00:04:29So, when you go out there today, I want you to fight.
00:04:33Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.
00:04:36If you run into a criminal, and you get in a fight, here's what I want you to do.
00:04:40If he hits you and knocks you down, I want you to get up and fight him again.
00:04:43If he knocks you down again, I want you to get up and fight him harder.
00:04:46If he knocks you down again, I want you to get up and get the hell out of there, because
00:04:49you're losing.
00:04:50Now, get out there and lose!
00:04:54Give me a donut.
00:04:58Yeah, but he can still last.
00:05:01I'm yours.
00:05:02Ow.
00:05:03Ow.
00:05:03Hey.
00:05:04What happened to you?
00:05:06Sorry.
00:05:07You missed roll call.
00:05:09Ah, Kaiser.
00:05:11Where were you?
00:05:12I was on a cigarette break.
00:05:13But you don't smoke.
00:05:14Well, it's not what the ladies say.
00:05:15Good morning, Lieutenant.
00:05:33Good morning, Officers.
00:05:41Amity Police?
00:05:42Is this an emergency?
00:05:43Uh, yes.
00:05:44I would have the greatest respect for you if you could hook me up with you.
00:05:47You have many different kinds of girls there.
00:05:48Yes, sir.
00:05:50Do you have a preference for your afternoon pleasure?
00:05:53Yes.
00:05:53Something in a redhead with big broad shoulders.
00:05:55Ah, someone will be right over to pick you up.
00:05:59David, we got one!
00:06:01Yeah?
00:06:01Who's it for?
00:06:02Damn me!
00:06:03Ah.
00:06:04Oh, good.
00:06:07Wake her up.
00:06:09Wait.
00:06:09It's Dr. Kaplan.
00:06:11She doesn't need to be awake.
00:06:12Mm-hmm.
00:06:26Hold it right there, miss.
00:06:28Yes?
00:06:28You realize that you were jaywalking?
00:06:30Well, I...
00:06:31Uh, we have laws around here, miss.
00:06:34Did you see?
00:06:35Butt, butt, nothing.
00:06:36Great butt or no butt.
00:06:37You're still getting your ticket.
00:06:39Butts don't stop me.
00:06:40Butt.
00:06:40Don't worry.
00:06:41In case you're wondering, you have a great butt.
00:06:43Pay attention, you bloody fools.
00:06:45Nice hat.
00:06:46What are you talking about, a hat?
00:06:47This is a...
00:06:47I don't know.
00:06:48They came from over there.
00:06:49I don't know.
00:06:50And where are you going?
00:06:51Why aren't you chasing you?
00:06:52How about fools?
00:06:53I cannot believe you.
00:06:54That's a long run.
00:06:55I bet it is.
00:06:57Officer Hamilton.
00:06:57Officer Hal?
00:06:58Yeah, uh, did you see everything?
00:07:01Everything.
00:07:01Good, good, good, good.
00:07:02Where are the perks?
00:07:03Right over there.
00:07:06I, uh...
00:07:08I mean the, uh...
00:07:11I mean the guys who robbed the liquor store.
00:07:15Who?
00:07:16Someone robbed the liquor store?
00:07:18Oh, God, nobody tells me anything.
00:07:20Jeez.
00:07:20I tried to tell you.
00:07:23You're under arrest.
00:07:24I tried to tell you.
00:07:25I'll tear you down.
00:07:25Wait till I get you to the police.
00:07:27You're a troublemaker.
00:07:28You're a troublemaker.
00:07:29Walk, walk, walk.
00:07:30Move that ass.
00:07:31Move that ass.
00:07:32Come on, come on.
00:07:33Come on.
00:07:33Get here.
00:07:33No, no, no.
00:07:34Let me tear you down.
00:07:36Get out of the way.
00:07:43What have we got here?
00:07:48We had a burglary.
00:07:50I see.
00:07:51Uh, what'd you do?
00:07:54Steal somebody's heart?
00:07:59Now, this is the eyewitness.
00:08:02Einstein over...
00:08:03The Hamilton idiot.
00:08:04Moron.
00:08:05Moron, idiot.
00:08:06Shut up.
00:08:07Sorry.
00:08:09This big palooka had his back to the whole crime scene
00:08:11and missed everything.
00:08:13She was jaywalking.
00:08:14So, tell me.
00:08:15Did you see anything?
00:08:17I saw two guys running out of a liquor store.
00:08:18They had shorts on.
00:08:19They had black ski masks.
00:08:20And I tried to tell him.
00:08:22He didn't do anything.
00:08:23Hmm.
00:08:25Too crazy.
00:08:26Too bad she didn't see anything.
00:08:29What day is it?
00:08:32The third.
00:08:34The Baker Brothers!
00:08:36That's right.
00:08:37Excuse me?
00:08:37Well, you see, it's the Baker Brothers M.O.
00:08:41Black ski masks.
00:08:42Every Wednesday, they rob their father's store.
00:08:45How?
00:08:46Pick them up.
00:08:48My commandant.
00:08:49You want a booker?
00:08:50Yes.
00:08:51Booker.
00:08:51I can offer you a two-day roll.
00:08:53Sag scale and credit billing.
00:08:55But you'll have to call my agent.
00:08:56Ah, damn.
00:08:57I hate working with agents.
00:08:57Hey, David, anything new?
00:09:02Yes.
00:09:03Ten children were born yesterday.
00:09:04I mean in the station.
00:09:05Oh.
00:09:06Nah, same old garbage.
00:09:08See what I mean?
00:09:09Yeah, that really stinks.
00:09:14So what about that peeping Tom?
00:09:16What about him?
00:09:20Oh, well, we haven't caught him yet.
00:09:22That's what you're asking.
00:09:23But he really does give me the creeps.
00:09:26He's not spying on you.
00:09:29You're built the wrong way.
00:09:30What do you mean?
00:09:31Well, you see, David, the male anatomy is quite different from the females in many ways.
00:09:36For example, the male erection.
00:09:37I think I got your point.
00:09:39No pun intended.
00:09:41No pun taken.
00:09:42I wasn't trying to be funny.
00:09:44Well, so far you don't have anything to worry about.
00:09:46Good.
00:09:46So, you got any leads?
00:09:48Eh, no.
00:09:50But if it kills me, I'm going to catch that peeping Tom.
00:09:58Whoa!
00:10:00Who do you think can raise your eyebrow higher?
00:10:04Spock.
00:10:07You?
00:10:09Ah, Mrs. David.
00:10:12Good to see you.
00:10:16Your mustache tickles.
00:10:18I don't have a mustache.
00:10:21Oh!
00:10:23Oh!
00:10:25Oh, I came to check on the woman's auxiliary.
00:10:28Come on.
00:10:36Let's go.
00:10:43So, how are things?
00:10:45Fine.
00:10:46Just fine.
00:10:46David, darling, you haven't told my husband about your little enterprise, have you?
00:10:53Not a thing.
00:10:54Besides, I think if he knew what we were doing here, he would have no problem with it, because
00:10:58all we are doing is taking crime off the streets and putting it in the police station where
00:11:03belongs.
00:11:04Well, I just wanted to warn you, because he's up for re-election, and you know what that means.
00:11:19Instantaneous, ostentatious morality.
00:11:21All right.
00:11:22Precisely.
00:11:23Let's go.
00:11:24Mrs. Mayor, we were just getting started.
00:11:29Ah, carry, carry, carry on.
00:11:32All right, ladies.
00:11:39The procedures I am going to be teaching you this afternoon will be very, very important
00:11:45to your marriages.
00:11:46Oh, yeah.
00:11:47Today, we'll be discussing oral sex.
00:11:50Now, I've laid out a few items here for us to practice with.
00:11:53Try and find whatever it is that you have at home.
00:12:01Cucumbers.
00:12:01I have cucumbers.
00:12:03Does anybody need a cucumber?
00:12:09Ouch.
00:12:10I'm sorry.
00:12:14Carrots.
00:12:17Anybody need a carrot?
00:12:22Hot dogs.
00:12:23Now you're talking.
00:12:24Now you're talking.
00:12:24That's my first time.
00:12:26Tell me.
00:12:28Kind of rubbery, though.
00:12:29Yeah.
00:12:30Tell me.
00:12:30Tell me.
00:12:32Do you have any, um, Vianna sausages?
00:12:35Oh.
00:12:35Yeah.
00:12:37I am sorry.
00:12:40Officer Angelotti, you left your new crack shots in the copier.
00:12:43Please pick them up.
00:12:44Thelma.
00:12:47Thelma?
00:12:48Is the cell ready yet?
00:12:49Yes, sir.
00:12:51Nice to see you again, Dr. Kaplan.
00:12:54Thelma?
00:12:54Yeah.
00:13:04Say this.
00:13:05Oh, yeah.
00:13:07I should be fine.
00:13:08I'll be coming for you.
00:13:09Here we go.
00:13:11Yeah.
00:13:12Come here, you bad, bad boy.
00:13:29First, I'm going to have to strip search you.
00:13:34Now, you're the prisoner.
00:13:37I'm the warden.
00:13:39And I'm going to have to put you in the hole.
00:14:09And who should I say is asking?
00:14:26Um, Martin Riff.
00:14:28I'm the new guy.
00:14:30Oh, the rookie.
00:14:32We've been expecting you.
00:14:34Let me check.
00:14:34Captain Smith, the rookie's here for orientation.
00:14:46Ah, you must be the new rookie.
00:14:48Captain.
00:14:49Good to see you, son.
00:14:52Well, welcome to the Amity Police Force.
00:14:55Come on, let me tell you something about our organization.
00:14:57Well, organization?
00:14:58You know, I was at the drama club in high school.
00:15:00Ah, so you're a four-eyed homo.
00:15:01Come on, one more.
00:15:03One more.
00:15:04Squeeze it out.
00:15:05Ah, that's a girl.
00:15:08Good going, girl.
00:15:10Hmm.
00:15:19You mean you're running a brothel here?
00:15:21You really are a bozo, aren't you, son?
00:15:23Tit for tat.
00:15:24Mm-hmm.
00:15:25Oh, excuse me.
00:15:27Officers Casey and Lacey.
00:15:29Rookie Marty Riff.
00:15:31You mean they're not the hookers?
00:15:33No, you idiot.
00:15:34Hookers have real tits.
00:15:36Officers Casey and Lacey.
00:15:39Ladies.
00:15:39Sir!
00:15:42Come on, buck boy.
00:15:43Bye.
00:15:46Oh, my God.
00:15:48Yeah, they're partners.
00:15:49More ways than you are.
00:15:51Hey, Captain, we got a pickup.
00:16:03You want me to take the rookie?
00:16:06Yeah, that's a great idea.
00:16:08Get that four-eyed geek out of here.
00:16:10He's bugging the crap out of me.
00:16:12I appreciate your confidence in me, Captain.
00:16:14Hey, you're doing a great job, son.
00:16:16I'm sure your father would be proud of you
00:16:17if you knew who you were.
00:16:18Oh, I appreciate that.
00:16:23It's for Bambi again.
00:16:25Teddy over on Larchmont,
00:16:26and he used the old password.
00:16:28Okay, I'll give him the new password.
00:16:30What's the password?
00:16:31Shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.
00:16:33It used to be cock-a-doodle-doo.
00:16:35Then last summer, a rooster called.
00:16:37We thought it was a john.
00:16:39Now we know what chicken ranch means.
00:16:41I'm back.
00:16:43Captain?
00:16:44Take your hands off me, you slimeball.
00:16:47Found her on the corner of First Domain
00:16:49soliciting for sexual favors.
00:16:51Was not.
00:16:52Was to.
00:16:53Was not.
00:16:53Was to.
00:16:54Was not.
00:16:54Was not.
00:16:55Was to.
00:16:55Gotcha.
00:16:56Take this little floozy to the interrogation room.
00:16:58She looks dangerous.
00:17:00Don't try anything smart, Tootsie.
00:17:01Or you'll find out what police brutality really means.
00:17:04This way.
00:17:04Let's go.
00:17:08Hey, where the hell's Clifford anyway?
00:17:11Little shit's probably getting another MRI.
00:17:13All right.
00:17:13Well, she looks like the real thing.
00:17:19Yeah.
00:17:20Choice of a new generation.
00:17:22Well, maybe she's the uncola.
00:17:24Quite possibly.
00:17:25Yeah.
00:17:26Well, I'll run her record.
00:17:28You go in there and keep her calm.
00:17:30Be firm with her.
00:17:32I want her to know.
00:17:35We don't take the law lightly.
00:17:36Okay.
00:17:38Let's go.
00:17:38Look, I want to make a phone call.
00:17:43You'll make a phone call when I say you can make a phone call.
00:17:46Well, I ain't saying shit until I talk to my lawyer.
00:17:49Well, fine.
00:17:50We could use some silence around here.
00:17:52Oh, hey.
00:17:56Mike, your outfit.
00:17:57Did you pick that around here?
00:17:59What's up to you?
00:18:00Just trying to be nice.
00:18:04They're not going to really try and hold me here, are they?
00:18:06It's a small town, honey.
00:18:10They don't take too kindly to break in the law.
00:18:12Shut up, you two.
00:18:13This woman here is a criminal, and I'm going to see to it that she's punished.
00:18:19No, no, no.
00:18:20Not that.
00:18:21Please.
00:18:21Please.
00:18:22Anything but that.
00:18:23Wait.
00:18:23Please.
00:18:24Hold it right there, Officer Hamilton.
00:18:26I ran a record.
00:18:27Not bad.
00:18:28Second song's pretty good.
00:18:29What about the third song?
00:18:31Eh.
00:18:32Not catchy enough.
00:18:34But we'll let you slide.
00:18:36So, Gary, can you use an extra hand around here?
00:18:40Summer, we can always use an extra hand.
00:18:46Sorry I was rude to you earlier.
00:18:48I just wasn't sure.
00:18:52Doing my job.
00:18:54You, uh, may have been with Internal Affairs.
00:18:58But she thought I was a cop.
00:19:02Well, you can never be too sure.
00:19:06What was it that gave it away?
00:19:07Maybe the outfit?
00:19:09I like your outfit.
00:19:12Yeah, me too.
00:19:15You guys are nuts.
00:19:16If you're not going to charge me with anything, I'm going to get the hell out of here.
00:19:24Let's go.
00:19:25Let's go.
00:19:26You can go, darling.
00:19:27But I think you're making a big mistake.
00:19:29You can work right here doing what you do.
00:19:33But if you don't want to, can I borrow your outfit?
00:19:36See, there's already two of us here.
00:19:38Got room for three?
00:19:40Wait a minute.
00:19:41You guys are hookers?
00:19:44No, but we play them on TV.
00:19:47Fanny and I got started the same way.
00:19:49Got busted.
00:19:51Captain invited us to stay on.
00:19:54Wait, the captain gave you a job?
00:19:56Sure.
00:19:57He said he didn't see any harm and two girls trying to make a living.
00:20:00Long as no one gets hurt.
00:20:02And you guys never get smacked, beat up, anything like that?
00:20:05In a police department?
00:20:07No one gets hurt with the police department.
00:20:11Just think, no more pimps, no more cold street corners, no more standing around in these
00:20:19ridiculous high heels that throw your back out.
00:20:23Great.
00:20:24So what do you think?
00:20:25You want to get cleaned up?
00:20:26Sure.
00:20:27I'll show you the locker room.
00:20:28All right.
00:20:30Think I'll clean the locker room?
00:20:32I think not.
00:20:34I think that you're not going to rest until you get out there and find me that peeping Tom.
00:20:41Oh, damn it.
00:20:45If we don't find him soon, this music is going to drive me insane.
00:20:51Okay.
00:20:52And a five, six, seven, eight.
00:20:54Bum, bum, bum, bum.
00:20:55A twirl like you leanin' and go.
00:20:57You go, girl.
00:20:58Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
00:21:00Let it play.
00:21:01Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
00:21:03And a turn and a bum, bum.
00:21:06It's the mayor!
00:21:07It's the mayor!
00:21:08It's the mayor!
00:21:11Captain Smith!
00:21:13Take five, ladies.
00:21:15Love you.
00:21:16Hate you.
00:21:17Yes?
00:21:18Mayor Davies is here.
00:21:19Oh, my God.
00:21:19Mayor Davies.
00:21:22Gentlemen.
00:21:23Sir, Mayor Davies?
00:21:24It has come to my attention that this police department has not been following the strict moral guidelines expected of it.
00:21:32What do you mean, sir?
00:21:33Amity is a fine community of hardworking families and innocent children living in harmony with each other and the cities around them.
00:21:40They deserve a police department of dedicated, hardworking professionals.
00:21:45A police department serving the needs of the community.
00:21:50Hold it down!
00:21:51I'm trying to talk!
00:21:54What is it exactly you want, sir?
00:21:56Captain Smith!
00:21:58I'm demanding you step down until a full investigation of you and your department has been completed.
00:22:07Take him away!
00:22:08I am not leaving you, Highlander.
00:22:14I have brought you exactly what this department needs.
00:22:18Captain May.
00:22:28This is Captain May.
00:22:30She'll be in charge of this department
00:22:32until things get sorted out.
00:22:34Lieutenant Carroll, show her the ropes.
00:22:38Miss Mayor.
00:22:44Short, medium, long.
00:22:46Officer David Carroll, head of ICE.
00:22:48I'll bet you are.
00:22:50I think there was no need for a change.
00:22:54Oh, I think there was plenty of need for a change.
00:22:56Bring me up to speed.
00:22:58Let's go.
00:23:00Get set, go!
00:23:02Officer Howe, line one, Winchell's Donuts again.
00:23:08Hi.
00:23:16Will you stop it already?
00:23:18He noticed him too.
00:23:20Yeah, but I'm not drooling.
00:23:22I bet he's great in the sack.
00:23:24I bet he's never been in the sack.
00:23:26I think we should find out.
00:23:32Sorry.
00:23:34Nah.
00:23:38Speak of the devil.
00:23:40Oh, I'm sorry.
00:23:42Sorry about what?
00:23:44Well, I mean, I don't want to interrupt.
00:23:48Sit. There. Now.
00:23:50Now.
00:24:04So...
00:24:06Did a coffee, Mom?
00:24:08Yeah.
00:24:10No, no.
00:24:12I mean, no.
00:24:13No, no.
00:24:14I just graduated.
00:24:16You're gonna like it here.
00:24:18Mm-hmm.
00:24:19Can I have a bite of the apple?
00:24:22Sure.
00:24:24Nope.
00:24:25No.
00:24:26I don't want to know.
00:24:27No.
00:24:28No.
00:24:29No.
00:24:30No.
00:24:31No.
00:24:32No.
00:24:33No.
00:24:34No.
00:24:36No.
00:24:37No.
00:24:38No.
00:24:39No.
00:24:40No.
00:24:44Oh.
00:24:45Excuse me.
00:24:54Don't you want something on that?
00:24:58Do you have any butter?
00:25:01I don't know.
00:25:02Sure.
00:25:09Oh, honey, you have to spread this evenly.
00:25:12Let me help you.
00:25:15Whoops, I think you missed a spot.
00:25:33Amity's a great little town.
00:25:36Nice people.
00:25:37Really nice.
00:25:40I sure changed life yet.
00:25:42Can I have one of those?
00:25:45Sure.
00:25:47Would you like half?
00:25:48Thanks.
00:25:54You will see the fabulous lunchroom, and this is where all of our wonderful police officers come and have lunch every day.
00:26:01If you look right now, you'll be able to see them.
00:26:02What is going on here?
00:26:04What is going on here?
00:26:09Officer Riff here.
00:26:10He was showing the correct procedure for the Heimlich maneuver.
00:26:15He ate one of these, and I think he got really hot.
00:26:22Right, Officer Riff?
00:26:23Hey.
00:26:24Well, never mind that right now.
00:26:27Ladies and gentlemen, this is Officer Captain Mary May.
00:26:32She will be heading and investigating the department from here on out.
00:26:36Officers Casey and Lacey, at your service.
00:26:41Carry on.
00:26:43Carry on.
00:26:44Oh, maybe you'd like to see the Certificate of Appreciation we received last year.
00:27:05The most uneventful town in America.
00:27:09Huh?
00:27:09Huh?
00:27:10Well, that certainly is interesting.
00:27:11Huh?
00:27:12I'd like to see the locker rooms.
00:27:13Huh?
00:27:14Uh, okay.
00:27:16Look at that one.
00:27:17See that picture right there?
00:27:21Ah!
00:27:24Officer Carroll, you just gotta let me go.
00:27:27I promise I'll never do it again, and from now on, I'll be a good girl.
00:27:33You're already pretty good.
00:27:35Thanks.
00:27:35Thanks.
00:27:36Thanks.
00:27:38I'm afraid to ask.
00:27:39You should be.
00:27:41I mean, you shouldn't be, because it doesn't really matter.
00:27:43I can explain.
00:27:45I'm waiting.
00:27:46Uh, well, I, uh, would you believe?
00:27:52Thank you, thank you, and welcome to Would You Believe?
00:27:55The show that tests just how far your imagination will stretch.
00:28:00My pumpkin pie.
00:28:02My little prune Danish.
00:28:05My lover.
00:28:05You're supposed to know.
00:28:09Shh.
00:28:09Shh.
00:28:10Shh.
00:28:12And right now, for $500, Officer David Carroll, why does this jail cell look like a bordella?
00:28:19Would you believe?
00:28:20Um, because she's here so often that they had to bring all of her own stuff from home.
00:28:26Good answer, but not good enough.
00:28:29Miss Bambi, would you believe?
00:28:32Um, we had the whole thing redone by Madonna's decorator.
00:28:37That's unbelievable.
00:28:39Captain Mary May, for $500, would you believe?
00:28:42It was created by criminal psychologists who wanted to regress criminals to the moment of conception.
00:28:47That's right, we have a winner.
00:28:50Captain Mary May at the Amity Police Department, step up here and collect your $500.
00:28:56Congratulations.
00:28:57I'll be in my office.
00:28:58Thank you, thank you very much.
00:28:59$500?
00:29:00That's more than I've made all week.
00:29:04Tune in next week and be prepared to stretch, stretch, stretch further than you've ever stretched before.
00:29:43Mr. Bambi, you're supposed to be the older brother.
00:29:53You're supposed to set an example.
00:29:55I don't think he's listening.
00:29:58Can you hear me, mister?
00:30:01He's got hearing problems, too.
00:30:05Let me try some sign language.
00:30:07All right.
00:30:07You can't break into your father's store.
00:30:20It makes you look...
00:30:25Whoa!
00:30:29He can't see nothing, neither.
00:30:32So why are we talking then?
00:30:33Well, because he's the one that's got all the brains in the family.
00:30:39You know, put us on the map.
00:30:42Count us in the same situation.
00:30:43Cut us in the room.
00:30:48Oh.
00:30:49Oh.
00:30:50Hey.
00:30:52All righty.
00:30:54Tell you what I'm going to do.
00:30:56I'm going to let you go this time.
00:30:59No one's pressing charges.
00:31:01But next time...
00:31:02Clear!
00:31:03We'll never do it again.
00:31:09Better not.
00:31:11And you.
00:31:12Take that stupid look off your face.
00:31:17It's better.
00:31:19Come on.
00:31:20Come on.
00:31:20Get out of here, you two...
00:31:21Leave those masks.
00:31:23Brooks.
00:31:24Wait a minute.
00:31:25Someone help me.
00:31:28Oh, what can we do for you?
00:31:29I was taking a shower.
00:31:31I just live around the corner.
00:31:33And there was this man.
00:31:34I saw him in my bushes.
00:31:36Huh?
00:31:37Uh-huh.
00:31:37Watching me.
00:31:39So he was...
00:31:41washing your bush?
00:31:43No, he was busting my watch.
00:31:45Uh-huh.
00:31:45I mean, watching my bust.
00:31:46I mean, watching me wash.
00:31:49Oh.
00:31:51I've never been so scared in my whole life.
00:31:55So, this man, uh...
00:31:59Do you look like this?
00:32:01That's him.
00:32:02Exactly.
00:32:06Well, sounds like the peeping Tom.
00:32:12We know somebody's been watching him.
00:32:14We've been watching him watch.
00:32:15But we don't know who he is.
00:32:16Even with that sketch?
00:32:18I know.
00:32:19It's hard to believe.
00:32:21Can I wash your walk?
00:32:23I mean, can I, uh, walk your bush?
00:32:25I mean, uh, can I, uh, can I walk you home?
00:32:32So, an air gun yet?
00:32:34Yeah.
00:32:35And the shit has really hit the fan.
00:32:39Wait a minute.
00:32:40If they don't steal other people's jokes around here,
00:32:43we only borrow them.
00:32:45Good thing.
00:32:46Yes.
00:32:46Oh, my God, I left Billy in the cell.
00:32:48So, what's going on?
00:32:50Oh, well, let me tell you.
00:32:51I didn't tell you before, okay, what happened.
00:32:52Well, Captain Smith came into the picture, you know,
00:32:53and he was the captain.
00:32:54He was great because we ran a prostitution ring through here,
00:32:56you know, but everybody got paid a lot of money.
00:32:58They got their nails painted, their toes painted,
00:32:59every single day because they could afford it.
00:33:00Sorry, I'm sorry.
00:33:01We got all kinds of extended prostitution ring,
00:33:02and he's trying to get rid of the prostitution ring.
00:33:04Well, what are we supposed to do?
00:33:05I mean, nobody's making money anymore.
00:33:06Everybody needs to be rich.
00:33:07They need to get new clothes daily.
00:33:09They need to feed themselves.
00:33:09Then Captain Mary May comes in and she says,
00:33:11This is a fine way to run a business.
00:33:18Locking us up in separate cells.
00:33:21I feel like I'm about ready to bust.
00:33:25Billy.
00:33:25David.
00:33:26Sorry, man.
00:33:27Didn't mean to leave you hanging.
00:33:29We've had a little problem.
00:33:30Look, we have a little problem here.
00:33:32I've heard that before.
00:33:34So, I...
00:33:35Me too.
00:33:36Huh.
00:33:36Well, anyway, uh, I guess we should probably leave you be for now.
00:33:41Yeah, let's go.
00:33:42We'll come back.
00:33:43No, wait!
00:33:44David!
00:33:44You can't leave me like this, man!
00:33:47I feel like a prisoner!
00:33:48What would make you feel that way?
00:33:51I got it.
00:33:53We'll be back.
00:33:53Let's go.
00:33:57Somebody!
00:33:59Somebody!
00:34:00She's drunk us.
00:34:00I just had something up her butt, and it died,
00:34:02and she doesn't understand because it's a whole control thing, you know?
00:34:05She just doesn't even want to know what's going on
00:34:06because she walks me out of the whole place.
00:34:08I showed you how to get a place.
00:34:09She just came in here a little while ago.
00:34:10She has something to do with anything,
00:34:11and she's, you know, never relaxed anyway.
00:34:14Hey, where's Bambi?
00:34:16My God!
00:34:18She's still with Billy!
00:34:19Captain May's coming!
00:34:20Captain May's coming!
00:34:22Oh, mail alert!
00:34:23Oh, mail alert!
00:34:26I don't know where I put that ship in a flagpole.
00:34:28Well, I'm sure it's all very interesting,
00:34:30but I really do have to get unpacked.
00:34:32All right.
00:34:32Maybe later then.
00:34:33I've still got some paperwork to do.
00:34:35Any messages?
00:34:36Yes, your mother called.
00:34:37My mother called?
00:34:38Well, yes, there's been a horrible accident,
00:34:40and your father's been killed.
00:34:41What do you mean?
00:34:42Well, apparently there was a freak accident,
00:34:44and his lawnmower killed him.
00:34:45She said it went haywire
00:34:47and turned your father into fertilizer.
00:34:49Wait, good news!
00:34:51Your lawn looks better than ever.
00:34:52It's colorful, and full of life.
00:34:54Fourth time this week.
00:34:56Who are you?
00:34:56I'm the parents in the farm.
00:34:58Officer Lisa Hancock.
00:35:00I'm the night receptionist.
00:35:01I thought the lieutenant picked up the phone at night.
00:35:03Well, that's because you didn't have me.
00:35:07Do you have any whiteout?
00:35:09Four-letter work.
00:35:18Oh, you mean?
00:35:19Okay, four-letter work.
00:35:22How's this?
00:35:22Okay, then.
00:35:26Is this an emergency?
00:35:28It sure feels like one.
00:35:30Shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.
00:35:31Reference?
00:35:33I think the blonde one.
00:35:35I'm tired of easy.
00:35:36An officer will be right over.
00:35:40Go wake up Clifford
00:35:41and get Hamilton to run interference.
00:35:43All right.
00:35:43No, I'm here as a public servant.
00:35:53I'll help anybody.
00:35:55No problem at all.
00:35:56Why would I care that it's the Pope?
00:35:59He's got sexual problems just like everybody else.
00:36:02I assure you.
00:36:03What do you mean, anti-Semitic?
00:36:05Hamilton.
00:36:11Yes?
00:36:12I've got a client in route
00:36:14and I need you to pick up a graffiti artist.
00:36:18Take care of the captain for me, will you?
00:36:20Oh, that woman's about as much fun as an enema.
00:36:22All right, then I'll take care of her.
00:36:25Thanks.
00:36:25Thanks.
00:36:29By the way,
00:36:31don't forget,
00:36:32Bambi's in the cell.
00:36:34You've got to get her out.
00:36:35Remember last time?
00:36:36She thought she was the lion for an hour.
00:36:38Remember?
00:36:39I had to do the end production number
00:36:40for The Wizard of Oz 50 times.
00:36:42How could I forget?
00:36:44That was pretty miserable, wasn't it?
00:36:47Yeah, it was.
00:36:48You were off key.
00:36:48Very.
00:36:49Very flat.
00:36:50It's a bad day.
00:36:52Bad hair day, too.
00:36:55Damn.
00:36:57But I'm on a diet.
00:36:58You're 100 pounds overweight.
00:36:59A police officer should eat.
00:37:00Has anybody seen...
00:37:01Oh, hi.
00:37:02Uh, Captain,
00:37:03I'm going out on a caller.
00:37:04It's very high profile.
00:37:06I thought you might like to ride shotgun.
00:37:08You think it'll be dangerous?
00:37:09It very well could be.
00:37:10Let's go.
00:37:11All right.
00:37:17Marty!
00:37:22See Carrie?
00:37:23No.
00:37:25All right, well,
00:37:26if you see her before I let her know
00:37:27we need her in the interrogation room,
00:37:29we're not using the cells in that day anymore.
00:37:31Okay.
00:37:33Okay.
00:37:34Thanks.
00:37:34Hey, Cliff?
00:37:35Yes?
00:37:36Um,
00:37:37you ever, um,
00:37:39have two girls come on to you
00:37:40at the same time?
00:37:42Only my dreams.
00:37:43What's up?
00:37:44Well, I don't know how to decide.
00:37:47What's to decide?
00:37:48Well,
00:37:49I've never,
00:37:50you know,
00:37:51I've never been in a situation before.
00:37:54Well, Marty,
00:37:54there's worse situations to be in,
00:37:56all right?
00:37:56Trust me.
00:37:57I'll tell you what,
00:37:58if you get two chicks in the sack,
00:37:59all right,
00:38:00I'll turn in my badge.
00:38:02And it would almost be workable.
00:38:04Shut up.
00:38:05All right,
00:38:06so if you see Carrie,
00:38:06tell her that?
00:38:07I will.
00:38:14What do you got?
00:38:16Counterfeiter.
00:38:17Caught him red-handed.
00:38:19Good work.
00:38:20So what are you doing?
00:38:21I've got Carrie in the interrogation room.
00:38:23They're doing it, doggy.
00:38:24Here, my little dog.
00:38:31Heel.
00:38:33Heel.
00:38:37Ankles.
00:38:39Ankles.
00:38:42That's it.
00:38:43Lick my latex.
00:38:45Good dog.
00:38:47That was bullshit.
00:38:48An eight-year-old.
00:38:50What kind of crime we have in this city?
00:38:52Oh, mate alert!
00:38:53Oh, mate alert!
00:38:56Oh, mate alert!
00:38:57Oh, no!
00:38:57Come on, guys, get up!
00:38:59Get up!
00:39:00Get up!
00:39:01Put your clothes on!
00:39:02Come on!
00:39:03Oh, mate alert!
00:39:04Get to put your clothes on!
00:39:05Hustle!
00:39:06Oh, mate alert!
00:39:07Come on, mate alert!
00:39:09Out, dog boy, out!
00:39:10Wow, those things are huge.
00:39:11Oh, God,
00:39:11I've got to find something to put on.
00:39:13All clear.
00:39:14What's that supposed to mean?
00:39:15Oh.
00:39:16What?
00:39:17Uh.
00:39:18Uh.
00:39:18Would you believe...
00:39:20Thank you, thank you,
00:39:21and welcome to
00:39:22Would You Believe,
00:39:23the show that has to...
00:39:24Wait a minute.
00:39:25No, no, no.
00:39:26What?
00:39:26This is just over the top.
00:39:28Really?
00:39:29Yes.
00:39:30Well, if you want to be that one,
00:39:32but here.
00:39:33Mm.
00:39:34So what really happened?
00:39:38Uh, well,
00:39:39I was interrogating this man,
00:39:40and he, uh, uh...
00:39:42Threw up.
00:39:43He threw up.
00:39:44Threw up.
00:39:45And I was just letting them know
00:39:46that it was all clear,
00:39:47meaning that it was all clean.
00:39:49Clean.
00:39:49And clear.
00:39:50Uh-huh.
00:39:50And clear and clean.
00:39:51Yeah.
00:39:51As a whistle.
00:39:52Where are your cleaning supplies?
00:39:54Whistling.
00:39:55Uh, uh,
00:39:56all I need is my trusty rag.
00:39:58Eh, trusty rag.
00:39:59Dependable.
00:39:59You can trust it.
00:40:00Oh, see.
00:40:00It will never lie to you.
00:40:01Ever.
00:40:02What have we got here?
00:40:04Um, oh,
00:40:05I caught him trying to pass, uh,
00:40:07counterfeit, uh,
00:40:08$100 bills.
00:40:10Good work.
00:40:11But the guy must be colorblind.
00:40:13What makes you think that?
00:40:15Because $100 bills aren't red.
00:40:18Are you sure on that?
00:40:23Well, yeah,
00:40:24you take a couple,
00:40:25I'll take a couple.
00:40:26Anybody want one?
00:40:27I'll take one.
00:40:29Have a nice day.
00:40:30Merry Christmas.
00:40:31Twinkie?
00:40:31I'll take it.
00:40:31Sure, thanks.
00:40:32Give me another one of those.
00:40:34Thanks.
00:40:43Ah,
00:40:44what a day.
00:40:45Yeah.
00:40:46Seven jaywalkers,
00:40:47two double parkers
00:40:48on the litter bike.
00:40:49God,
00:40:51sometimes you really
00:40:52gotta earn your paycheck
00:40:53around here.
00:40:57Leaving?
00:40:58I'm taking the books
00:40:59home with me.
00:41:00Think anything
00:41:01will happen tonight?
00:41:02Oh, no.
00:41:04No.
00:41:04Nights around here
00:41:05are slower than the days.
00:41:08I'm only a phone call away.
00:41:11All right.
00:41:12Good night.
00:41:12Good night.
00:41:14One,
00:41:15one thousand,
00:41:16two,
00:41:16one thousand,
00:41:17three,
00:41:18one thousand.
00:41:19Let's party!
00:41:20Woo!
00:41:21Woo!
00:41:21Yeah!
00:41:22Woo!
00:41:22Woo!
00:41:22Woo!
00:41:22Woo!
00:41:22Woo!
00:41:23Woo!
00:41:23Woo!
00:41:24Woo!
00:41:24Woo!
00:41:25Woo!
00:41:25Woo!
00:41:26Woo!
00:41:26Woo!
00:41:27Woo!
00:41:27Woo!
00:41:28Woo!
00:41:28Woo!
00:41:29Woo!
00:41:29Woo!
00:41:30Woo!
00:41:30Woo!
00:41:31Woo!
00:41:31Woo!
00:41:32Woo!
00:41:32Woo!
00:41:33Woo!
00:41:33Woo!
00:41:34Woo!
00:41:34Woo!
00:41:35Woo!
00:41:35Woo!
00:41:36Woo!
00:41:36Woo!
00:41:37Woo!
00:41:37Woo!
00:41:38Woo!
00:41:38Woo!
00:41:39Woo!
00:41:39Woo!
00:41:40Woo!
00:41:40Woo!
00:41:41Woo!
00:41:41Woo!
00:41:42Woo!
00:41:42Woo!
00:41:43Woo!
00:41:43Woo!
00:41:44Woo!
00:41:44Woo!
00:41:45Woo!
00:41:45Woo!
00:41:46Woo!
00:41:46Woo!
00:41:47Woo!
00:41:47Woo!
00:41:48Woo!
00:41:48Woo!
00:41:49Woo!
00:41:49Woo!
00:41:50Woo!
00:41:50Woo!
00:41:51Woo!
00:41:51Woo!
00:41:52Woo!
00:41:53Woo!
00:41:53Woo!
00:41:54Woo!
00:41:55Woo!
00:41:56Woo!
00:41:57Woo!
00:41:58Woo!
00:41:59Good morning, everyone.
00:42:24Good morning, Captain.
00:42:25Good morning, Captain.
00:42:27Clifford, did you take roll call?
00:42:29All here.
00:42:30Good.
00:42:32Last night, I went over the books, and I was very surprised.
00:42:36I've never seen a police department in such great financial shape.
00:42:41Oh, very nice.
00:42:42Good.
00:42:43Money.
00:42:43I like that.
00:42:45This building has been paid off, and I see you put a down payment on a new building for
00:42:49the police station.
00:42:50Your community has bought you new walkie-talkies, new uniforms, new weights, and a cappuccino
00:42:57machine.
00:42:57Here you go.
00:42:58Yeah.
00:42:59It makes me proud.
00:43:01I...
00:43:01They just give and give.
00:43:05However, I have noticed some unorthodox procedures around here.
00:43:10So you best watch your P's and Q's.
00:43:12We're going by the book.
00:43:14at ease.
00:43:30Understood?
00:43:31Understood.
00:43:32Now, I have a little surprise for you.
00:43:40Since there's such an excess of cash in the slush fund,
00:43:44I'm going to be sprucing up the place.
00:43:46You know, putting in some green plants.
00:43:48Maybe a painting or two.
00:43:52Any hemp?
00:43:53Anything else?
00:43:55Yes.
00:43:56We have a new drawing of the suspect, Peeping Tom.
00:44:00Get this around, everybody.
00:44:02Get a good look at it.
00:44:03Ooh, yeah.
00:44:07Hey, that looks like my ex-boyfriend.
00:44:17Let me see that again.
00:44:20I bet you I could find this guy in two hours.
00:44:22I can find him in one hour.
00:44:23Okay.
00:44:24Get out there and be safe.
00:44:30Oh, I'm sorry.
00:44:39I didn't know anybody was here.
00:44:41What are you sorry about?
00:44:44I...
00:44:45Um...
00:44:46Could you come stand here for a second?
00:44:59Well...
00:45:00Sure.
00:45:08No.
00:45:09Stand here.
00:45:10There?
00:45:11All right.
00:45:18Now, you try to push my legs out, and I'll try to push them back in.
00:45:24Okay.
00:45:29Gotcha.
00:45:31You know, all my life, I've never even had a beautiful one look at me.
00:45:35I mean, much less to come on to me.
00:45:37Hey!
00:45:38And out of the blue today, it's happened twice!
00:45:42Twice?
00:45:43What's going on here?
00:45:45Hey!
00:45:46Uh, I was just exercising my thighs.
00:45:53Bitch.
00:45:53Where's that janitor?
00:46:08My blinds haven't been dusted this decade.
00:46:10Orcs are mostly knights.
00:46:12Fine.
00:46:12I'll leave her a note.
00:46:17La!
00:46:19La!
00:46:20La!
00:46:21Tell me when the mayor's wife comes in.
00:46:22She's taking me to lunch.
00:46:23She's already here.
00:46:25She is?
00:46:26She's downstairs with the women's auxiliary.
00:46:29Oh, good.
00:46:31I think I'll go join her.
00:46:39Now, hold it in your hand.
00:46:40Firmly, but gently.
00:46:42Then up and down, up and down.
00:46:46Open alert!
00:46:47Open alert!
00:46:48Okay, put him away till later.
00:46:50Knowing the correct way to use a condom,
00:46:53could mean the difference between life and death.
00:46:57Hello.
00:46:59You must be Captain Mary May.
00:47:02Ladies.
00:47:04Captain Mary May.
00:47:06Our new...
00:47:07Captain of what?
00:47:07Captain!
00:47:08Aren't you the janitor?
00:47:16Janitor and also sex educator.
00:47:20Clean is as clean does.
00:47:22Clean this.
00:47:23Hey, what are you doing here?
00:47:31Eh, couldn't sleep.
00:47:33I was up all night trying to catch that damn peeping top.
00:47:42Hey!
00:47:43Hamilton!
00:47:44What do you got there?
00:47:45Yeah, what do you got over here?
00:47:46I got a complaint from cutting hips.
00:47:49I'm so impressed with the role that this police department plays in the community.
00:47:53Oh, yes.
00:47:53Our officers really give their pass.
00:47:55Mister, you got a name?
00:47:58The process.
00:47:59The process.
00:48:00Don't give me any of your lip.
00:48:02All right, listen up.
00:48:04I want you to take his cuffs off him, but watch him.
00:48:07He looks like a creep.
00:48:10Get some fingerprints.
00:48:13That was really good the way you handled him.
00:48:15It was strong.
00:48:16Well, you know, I was trying to be...
00:48:17I didn't want to be over the top.
00:48:18No, that was good, because some people...
00:48:21He's got a job!
00:48:28That's enough screaming!
00:48:32Now!
00:48:33You!
00:48:34What'd you have to go do and get my gun?
00:48:36We were just going to give you a hot meal.
00:48:38We weren't going to do anything.
00:48:39All right.
00:48:40I'll hold on.
00:48:40Okay.
00:48:41All right.
00:48:42Mister, listen to me.
00:48:44There's nothing to worry about.
00:48:47It's okay.
00:48:48I know you're scared.
00:48:49Hey!
00:48:50Watch me.
00:48:51I'm the guy to talk to.
00:48:53I'm not touching my gun.
00:48:55You see me?
00:48:56My hand is not on my gun.
00:48:58No.
00:48:59No.
00:49:00No.
00:49:01Now.
00:49:02Stay focused.
00:49:04It's going to be okay.
00:49:05You can do this.
00:49:07We're all friends here.
00:49:09We're all friends.
00:49:11Drop the gun.
00:49:12Come on.
00:49:12Give me the gun.
00:49:13You can do it.
00:49:14Give me the gun.
00:49:16Look!
00:49:16A UFO!
00:49:17There's nothing to see here.
00:49:36Where?
00:49:38Now.
00:49:38Come on.
00:49:40All right, mister.
00:49:41We've got a place for people like you.
00:49:44Where?
00:49:44It's called a big gray cell.
00:49:48Take them away!
00:49:50I'm sorry.
00:49:50It's all right.
00:49:52Get off!
00:49:52Get off!
00:49:54Come on!
00:50:00Good work, Officer Carroll.
00:50:02Thank you very much.
00:50:03Just doing my job.
00:50:04Well, I'm impressed.
00:50:06Our hero!
00:50:08Oh.
00:50:10No need to thank me.
00:50:12No need to thank me.
00:50:15Well, why don't you take the mayor's wife out for a little lunch?
00:50:19Come on.
00:50:19You deserve it.
00:50:20Come on.
00:50:21Get out of here.
00:50:22Shall we?
00:50:22You guys have done a great job.
00:50:24Thanks for watching.
00:50:25You can sleep safe in Amity.
00:50:28Love those guys.
00:50:31What a nice group of women.
00:50:36That small town morality.
00:50:38You just can't find that these days.
00:50:41Back so soon?
00:50:43Are you ever off duty?
00:50:45As a matter of fact, I am.
00:50:47But not right now.
00:50:48I had, uh, three more complaints about that peeping Tom last night.
00:51:00Yes.
00:51:00But good news.
00:51:02Got a little further on that sketch.
00:51:04Take a look.
00:51:06Oh, wow.
00:51:08See?
00:51:08Big differences now, huh?
00:51:09A lot easier to find.
00:51:11Well, that'll certainly help.
00:51:13Yep.
00:51:13I know.
00:51:14Never knew I had such a flair for art.
00:51:18Captain!
00:51:23Captain, what are you doing here?
00:51:37Clouds, what are you doing here?
00:51:38What's with the donut out for?
00:51:41Camouflage.
00:51:42I'm a new player.
00:51:43Listen, I came here to warn you about that Mary Mae.
00:51:46She's the best they've got.
00:51:48I-N-S.
00:51:50Immigration?
00:51:51I mean, uh, I-B-M.
00:51:53Oh, computers?
00:51:55I mean, I-F-S.
00:51:58Banking?
00:51:59You know, internal affairs!
00:52:01Oh, right.
00:52:02Listen, tell me that you've closed down the whole operation and put away the contraband.
00:52:05I would love to tell you that, but that's a lie.
00:52:08She's not that hot.
00:52:09Not at all.
00:52:10No, we've got it covered.
00:52:10We have a plan.
00:52:11She can't even go to the bathroom without everyone knowing exactly where she is.
00:52:15That's right.
00:52:16What about people?
00:52:16Oh, no.
00:52:19Hold me to the lunchroom!
00:52:21Hold me to the lunchroom!
00:52:23Pretty nifty, huh?
00:52:26Quick!
00:52:26Hide!
00:52:26Oh, quick!
00:52:27Hide!
00:52:27Hide!
00:52:28Hide!
00:52:28Hide!
00:52:29Gentlemen?
00:52:32Uh, we were just leaving.
00:52:33Leaving!
00:52:34No!
00:52:34Go on!
00:52:34I was just looking for the two of you.
00:52:37I think...
00:52:37Here we are.
00:52:38Right here.
00:52:39Okay.
00:52:39I think they've made a terrible mistake about this department.
00:52:43There's nothing fishy going on here.
00:52:45Nothing at all.
00:52:45No.
00:52:46Not at all.
00:52:47By the book.
00:52:48By the book.
00:52:48That's our motto.
00:52:48Yeah.
00:52:49That's all right.
00:52:50It's fine.
00:52:51Great.
00:52:52Wonderful.
00:52:53We were just trying to be good cops.
00:52:55The best.
00:52:55You are both fine police officers.
00:52:59Thank you so much.
00:53:00Exemplary.
00:53:01Wow.
00:53:01Thanks, Mom.
00:53:02Yeah.
00:53:03You gotta just stop.
00:53:05In fact, I want to do something special for you.
00:53:10I don't know what yet.
00:53:14I just want you to know, I'm planning something.
00:53:19Great.
00:53:20Wonderful.
00:53:20Thank you so much.
00:53:21You're a real sweet heart.
00:53:23Real power.
00:53:23Hamilton?
00:53:24Get back to work?
00:53:26David, go home.
00:53:28Get some sleep.
00:53:29Get some Z's.
00:53:31That's an order.
00:53:32Night.
00:53:32Right away.
00:53:34That was close.
00:53:35I'm telling you she knows something.
00:53:37She can't.
00:53:38It's not possible.
00:53:40Listen, you've got to close down the operation.
00:53:42Well, we can't do that.
00:53:44We're less than a week away from the squad car.
00:53:46Who'd let the girls down terribly?
00:53:47It's too dangerous.
00:53:49Yeah.
00:53:50Well, I think she's an M&M.
00:53:52Huh?
00:53:52You know, hard on the outside.
00:53:55Soft and squishy on the inside.
00:53:59You're playing with fire.
00:54:01No, I'm not.
00:54:03Besides, think of it this way.
00:54:06I don't think this has anything to do with the investigation on the department.
00:54:09I think it has to do with that little affair you had with Mrs. Davies.
00:54:14Oh.
00:54:15You think it's personal?
00:54:18It would sure explain things.
00:54:20I was going to work out before my shower.
00:54:28Would you like to join me?
00:54:30Well, you know, I...
00:54:30I think you should work out with me.
00:54:32We can work on my pecs.
00:54:34Um, well, you know, I was going to take a nap.
00:54:36I'm kind of tired.
00:54:38Is that an invitation?
00:54:40Well, you know, I'm...
00:54:41What the hell do you think you're doing?
00:54:45Why don't you go home and take a cold shower?
00:54:47It's easy to see which one of us he prefers.
00:54:50You know, tell the truth.
00:54:51I'm not...
00:54:51You know, you...
00:54:52You better get out of here before I knock your lights out.
00:54:57No, ladies, please.
00:54:58I'll see you try.
00:54:59Ladies, ladies, please.
00:55:01I'm...
00:55:02Come on!
00:55:05No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:55:08Catch me there, catch me there.
00:55:10Oh, yeah, more.
00:55:11You guys are best friends.
00:55:12Let's not forget that, okay?
00:55:13Not anymore.
00:55:14I did not forget that.
00:55:15You bitch, you slut.
00:55:17Stop it!
00:55:18Stop it, bitch.
00:55:19Hey, hey, hey.
00:55:20What are you doing with your hands?
00:55:23What does it matter?
00:55:25There's no place where hands haven't been put.
00:55:27Okay.
00:55:28No, no.
00:55:28Back it off! Hey, back it off!
00:55:31We can't have Brawley in the police station, not with the new captain.
00:55:34Never.
00:55:35You guys want to fight? You do it in the ring.
00:55:38Let's go. I will see you tomorrow. You'll be eating out of a straw.
00:55:42We'll see about that.
00:55:45I'm, you know, this has never happened to me.
00:55:48This is your fault, man.
00:55:49No, I did nothing.
00:55:50You're dust.
00:55:51What kind of everything do you use?
00:55:53Brute.
00:55:54I gotta get some.
00:55:55Like Fabergé?
00:55:56Yeah.
00:55:58Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on, welcome on, to the greatest fight you've ever seen.
00:56:10We have three rounds of championship boxing.
00:56:15Now, weighing in at 120 pounds, the former Miss America runner-up, the anger of it, the champ,
00:56:29Miss Casey Williams!
00:56:33Oh, my God.
00:56:33Ten!
00:56:34One hundred and ten!
00:56:35All right.
00:56:37You're gonna be great, kids. You're gonna be great.
00:56:39And in the other corner, which would be over here, the very talented and lovely lady, who is also happen to be Miss America third runner-up.
00:56:53Ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at 12.
00:56:59Ah, I see.
00:57:01Weighing in at 112 pounds, former Miss America runner-up, second runner-up, Miss Lucy Andrews!
00:57:13Woo-hoo!
00:57:13You're fucking dead!
00:57:16You're fucking dead!
00:57:17All right, all right.
00:57:18All right, everybody, back to your corner.
00:57:21Back to your corner.
00:57:22All right.
00:57:23I've designed to work not.
00:57:26All right, let's come in, ladies.
00:57:27Let's come in.
00:57:28You need to roll, my buddy.
00:57:29You need to roll.
00:57:31All right.
00:57:32Now, I want a good, clean fight here, kids.
00:57:37I don't want to see any raw punches to the head, like this, or any jabs to the sun, like this.
00:57:46All right.
00:57:48Now, let's have it fun, kids.
00:57:49Let's have a good, clean fight, huh?
00:57:53Goddamn meat.
00:57:55Go for it.
00:57:58Great, great, great.
00:57:59Let's start the fight.
00:58:03Let's roll, punch, gentlemen.
00:58:04All right, man.
00:58:05Let's get out.
00:58:08Oh, God.
00:58:10All right, okay.
00:58:15Oh, very scary.
00:58:16Very scary.
00:58:22All right, okay.
00:58:24Now, now.
00:58:27Watch out.
00:58:28A little, a little there.
00:58:28A little, a little.
00:58:32Nice.
00:58:32Yeah, there you go.
00:58:37All right, all right.
00:58:38Let's bring it.
00:58:39Wait.
00:58:40One, two, three.
00:58:44All right.
00:58:45Okay, back to your range.
00:58:46Back to your range.
00:58:47Uh, I can't see nothing out of my eye.
00:58:51You're going to have to cut me, Lisa.
00:58:53You look back, kid.
00:58:54I think we should stop the fight.
00:58:55No, cut the goddamn eye.
00:58:58But watch the eyebrow.
00:58:59I just watched it.
00:59:00No, no, it's not working.
00:59:02Cut the eye.
00:59:08All right, okay.
00:59:10Come on, now.
00:59:11Now, now, now.
00:59:12Hold.
00:59:12Now we're scared.
00:59:13Yeah.
00:59:14Stop.
00:59:15All right, come on.
00:59:17All right, I'm happy.
00:59:23Oh, God.
00:59:24All right, all right.
00:59:26Come on, come on.
00:59:27Come on.
00:59:27Come on.
00:59:28Come on.
00:59:28Come on.
00:59:28Come on.
00:59:28Come on.
00:59:28Come on.
00:59:28Come on.
00:59:28Come on.
00:59:29Come on.
00:59:29Come on.
00:59:29Come on.
00:59:29Come on.
00:59:30Come on.
01:00:00Come on.
01:00:01Come on.
01:00:02Come on.
01:00:03Come on.
01:00:04Come on.
01:00:05Come on.
01:00:06Come on.
01:00:07Come on.
01:00:08Come on.
01:00:09Come on.
01:00:11Come on.
01:00:12Okay, good fight, good fight, and the winner, by a knockout, Casey Boyer!
01:00:36Hey, you guys yourselves again?
01:00:52Yeah.
01:00:53Oh, I know, cute.
01:00:57Have you seen Marty?
01:00:58We kind of want to apologize for all we put him through in the last few days.
01:01:02Yeah, I understand. You guys have been big troublemakers.
01:01:06I'm sorry.
01:01:07Oh, don't sorry to me. I don't care.
01:01:10I'm not the one who was standing there watching you guys fight it out.
01:01:13Anyway, yeah, I'll let him know you're looking for him.
01:01:16Oh, no need. We have a surprise for him.
01:01:20Oh, really?
01:01:21See ya.
01:01:21Oh, wait. In that case, third cell on the left.
01:01:25Okay, thank you.
01:01:26All right. Shh. Be very quiet.
01:01:29Hey, what are you guys doing?
01:01:36Hey, what are you doing?
01:01:38Hey, what are you doing?
01:01:38Park is here.
01:01:40Good morning, all.
01:01:44Good morning.
01:01:45As I told you originally, I was brought in here to turn this department around.
01:01:52And as I told you more recently, I didn't think there was a need to.
01:01:56Yeah, you know why?
01:01:57She's a good lady.
01:02:00The reason there is no need to is because this entire department is about to be dissolved.
01:02:09And each and every one of you is going to be dismissed.
01:02:16Wait a second. What are you talking about? We didn't do anything wrong?
01:02:22I think turning a police station into a house of ill repute is despicable.
01:02:28All right.
01:02:28Ill puke what?
01:02:30No.
01:02:30Ill repute. Ill repute.
01:02:33Ill repute? Captain, what are you talking about?
01:02:35I didn't want to believe it.
01:02:37I wanted to believe that you were good cops.
01:02:41That you care about your community.
01:02:43We care.
01:02:44Yes, we care.
01:02:46This tape has a prostitute playing bucking bronco with a jawn in this police station's investigation room.
01:03:05I can't believe that she hid the goddamn cameras in the plants.
01:03:09This one has a prominent businessman making a sizable donation to this department
01:03:14after an hour in a cell screaming,
01:03:19Oh, my God.
01:03:20Oh, my God.
01:03:22Oh, my God.
01:03:24Oh, my God.
01:03:26And this one has three police officers.
01:03:33And a baby?
01:03:34Two female and one male in one of our holding cells having intimate knowledge of each other.
01:03:40Could I get a copy of that?
01:03:47And I know you are behind all this sin and decadence that you are the kingpin of this operation.
01:03:53And I will see that you are treated accordingly.
01:03:57Now, go clear out your desk and lockers.
01:04:01The mayor will be here soon to serve you your papers.
01:04:04I think I can keep my gun.
01:04:07Hold on a second.
01:04:10I have something I want to say to all of you.
01:04:13As far as I'm concerned, you're all great cops.
01:04:19Regardless of what the department has to say.
01:04:22And I just want to tell you, I've been doing this for many, many years.
01:04:28Every time I try to get out, they suck me right back in.
01:04:34All right, get in here.
01:04:35Go.
01:04:41I tell my mom.
01:04:42I bet you really enjoyed that, didn't you?
01:04:54Just doing my job.
01:04:55You mean, yeah.
01:04:57Well, I got news for you.
01:04:58We didn't do anything wrong, and you know it.
01:05:01You broke the law.
01:05:02Oh, broke the law.
01:05:03Yeah, great.
01:05:04Come on.
01:05:05Prostitution is the oldest profession on this planet.
01:05:10Besides the fact that it's a victimless crime.
01:05:12But it's still a crime in this city.
01:05:16Yeah, it is.
01:05:17But I want you to think about something for a minute.
01:05:20The fact that we are helping these ladies.
01:05:24They're hookers, yes, granted.
01:05:25However, they're going to be hookers either way you look at it.
01:05:29So, we help them out.
01:05:31We give them a head start.
01:05:32We get them off the streets and doing something that they never thought they could do.
01:05:36Carrie is going back to school to become a lawyer.
01:05:38Bambi, she's going to become a crossing guard.
01:05:42I mean, they're doing things with their lives for a change.
01:05:44But it's still against the law.
01:05:47Okay, I'll give you that.
01:05:48It's against the law.
01:05:49But we all break the law.
01:05:51I mean, come on.
01:05:52You know, we speed.
01:05:53We cut those little tags off our pillows that we're not supposed to.
01:05:57I still have the tags on my pillows.
01:05:58You would.
01:06:01You know what it is.
01:06:04You need something that you haven't had in a really, really long time.
01:06:10You see, the truth of the matter is,
01:06:12what you need is something that is not only physical,
01:06:17but is emotional.
01:06:22You need to learn how to feel.
01:06:35You know, they really do know how to hurt a guy.
01:06:37But I'm a cop.
01:06:46I'm always a cop first.
01:06:50Well, so am I.
01:06:52So much so.
01:06:55But I don't go anywhere without my badge.
01:06:59You think you're so hot
01:07:07that you're the only one devoted to your job?
01:07:12Well, you are not the only one.
01:07:17My God!
01:07:20Wow.
01:07:29It's a disgrace to our community.
01:07:59Our culture.
01:08:02And to the fine people who pay your salaries.
01:08:07Oh, I will take great pleasure
01:08:09in seeing that you're replaced by officers of high moral integrity
01:08:14and that you're all properly punished.
01:08:18Save it for the podium.
01:08:20You lost our vote.
01:08:21Yeah.
01:08:23Prisoners are not allowed to vote.
01:08:25Captain May.
01:08:30I can explain.
01:08:32The news team will be here any minute
01:08:35to put all of this, this whole thing on the 6 o'clock news.
01:08:39And you, head of vice, clean out your desk.
01:08:44You know, Mayor, I think we can work this out.
01:08:48These men and women have learned the error of their ways
01:08:52and I think we should give them another chance.
01:08:54Oh, really?
01:08:55Well, that's not what you were saying
01:08:56when we were viewing the tapes.
01:08:58Well, see, things have changed.
01:08:59Officer Carroll has presented a very hard argument
01:09:02and I really think that you should hear...
01:09:04God almighty, it's like an epidemic around here.
01:09:09You take those off.
01:09:12I mean, well, change, change.
01:09:19I have changed.
01:09:21I don't see how.
01:09:24You guys stop leering at my wife.
01:09:27I will sue you all, you lexious.
01:09:31I didn't know about the cameras or I would have told you.
01:09:34I feel awful.
01:09:37Yeah, me too.
01:09:39You know, it's not even the fact that I got fired
01:09:44that I'm upset about.
01:09:46It's not even the fact that we have to go
01:09:48take this entire department in front of a jury
01:09:51and talk about all our dirty laundry.
01:09:53That's not even what it is.
01:09:54You know what it is?
01:09:55What?
01:09:56The fact that we're never gonna catch that peeping talk.
01:10:01We were so close.
01:10:04We were this close, you know?
01:10:06It just drives me crazy.
01:10:09I feel like...
01:10:11There's just one more thing.
01:10:13Just one more thing.
01:10:17Wait a minute.
01:10:18Wait a minute.
01:10:21Hmm.
01:10:22Good God!
01:10:32Great Scots!
01:10:34By George.
01:10:37Look.
01:10:37Keep packing.
01:10:58I want you out of here in an hour.
01:11:00Mr. Mayor, sir.
01:11:11What?
01:11:12You sleep in night.
01:11:15What?
01:11:16What?
01:11:17Howdy, naughty.
01:11:18Team, team, team.
01:11:23Well, Mr. Mayor.
01:11:25look familiar yeah i bet it does because this is a face that you see every morning when you
01:11:34look in the mirror there must be some mistake oh yeah you know what the mistake is you
01:11:39maybe we could work something out oh yeah i've got a bone to pick with you
01:11:46nice legs don't try to butter me up by being nice okay all righty then
01:11:57take them where the sun don't shine third cell on the left
01:12:03call my attorney you are under arrest no no no
01:12:07got it good you have color call my attorney there is nothing
01:12:12everybody i'd like to officially welcome lieutenant mary may
01:12:37she's going to be leaving internal affairs and joining us as our new head of vice
01:12:46hey where the hell's clifford anyway well it seems the boy had to turn in his badge
01:13:00well as of today officer carroll will be my new right hand man
01:13:04and officer hamilton will be my new left hand man
01:13:09well anyway just remember what i've always said
01:13:22leave the seat oh yeah oh yeah right a good uh good um there's nothing like a good right
01:13:34right hand right job you know it was a man man you said it was a hand job right i mean a right
01:13:40hand man with the job and a right hand man
01:13:41with the job for right hand man
01:13:42the job for the right hand
01:13:43so now i got a couple of 80
01:13:44brain
01:13:48come on for lunch come on for lunch
01:13:49cortIN
01:13:49end this thing
01:13:53幫 me
01:13:54good job man
01:14:02bye bye
01:14:04bye bye bye
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