Horrible Histories 2001 Episode 3-4 Measly Middle

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Transcript

00:01The trouble with being a kid today is you grow up too quickly.

00:04There's just not enough time.

00:06Well, for some kids, that is.

00:13Where are we this time?

00:15Horrible Histories!

00:16Wow!

00:18Horrible Histories!

00:21Who would do that?

00:23A smart, hungry caveman. Good idea!

00:26Have any of you seen a girl about so tall, big?

00:30Uh, cartoony eyes.

00:31Oh, you gotta go.

00:32You gotta go.

00:33And wait, Stata can't find him anywhere.

00:36Wow! Socrates rocks!

00:40Is that the Spanish Armada?

00:42Horrible Histories!

00:45Horrible Histories!

00:49Horrible Histories!

00:53Well, Mo, what do you think about all this cool old stuff?

00:57We're history!

01:00Oh, great. I'm late for P.E. class.

01:18Well, so am I!

01:20At least I'm not the one who dropped every single page out of the report folder.

01:26Maybe I dropped it because you rushed me around like a junior drill sergeant.

01:30Well, well, look who's late to their gym classes.

01:34Oh, please, Dongle.

01:35What earth-shaking excitement did I miss?

01:37Jumping jacks?

01:38Actually, Coach Moog just gave a lesson in the fundamentals of wrestling.

01:45Shame you missed it because he just agreed to let me wrestle one of you.

01:50Ha! Like we need a lesson to beat you at anything, Dongle.

01:58Hmm. Interesting attitude.

02:01Since I've been wrestling competitively since I was six.

02:04If Dongle beats us, we won't survive the humiliation.

02:09You have to win!

02:11Me? You're the big bad boss woman.

02:13You wrestle one.

02:14Oh, sure.

02:15Stick me with the dirty work again, you.

02:17I'm all fisted little.

02:18Hey, hang on.

02:19That's a lot of hostility for best friends.

02:22The ancient Greeks were big wrestlers.

02:23Maybe they could help you with your little challenge.

02:25You think the Greeks could give us a lesson in wrestling?

02:29Among other things.

02:30What does he mean by that?

02:32How should I know?

02:33I don't know. How should I know how you should know?

02:36Here we go.

02:40Oh!

02:48Where are we?

02:49More to the point.

02:50When are we?

02:51About 2,500 years ago.

02:54403 BCE.

02:55And you might recognize the location.

02:58Ow!

02:59My elbow!

03:00Can't we get a time machine to ride in or something?

03:03Oh, Stitch.

03:05Come on now.

03:06Can't I feel sorry for myself here?

03:08Oh!

03:10It's so beautiful.

03:12It's...

03:13It's...

03:13It's Athens.

03:15Where the Greeks created studies in art,

03:17the sciences, philosophy, and drama that we still use today.

03:21Behold!

03:22Athens.

03:23The cradle of Western civilization.

03:25Man, that's a seriously large cradle.

03:27How are we going to find a wrestling teacher in all of that?

03:30You might try the Agora.

03:32Head west into the city and inquire at the public baths.

03:35Thanks very much.

03:37Oh, it's my pleasure.

03:39Now get your scrawny civilian pails out of the road!

03:50Sheesh.

03:50Somebody's a grumpy bear.

03:52Sure.

03:53War will do that to you.

03:54The Greek city-states were fiercely independent and had trouble getting along.

03:58Sound familiar?

04:00Yeah.

04:01Didn't think so.

04:02Man, this Agora joint is more crowded than the mall during a Moonlight Madness sale.

04:13The Agora was the Athenian hotspot.

04:18You could buy, sell, have a business meeting, or just have a chat with friends.

04:22All wrestlers in Athens have left for the Olympics.

04:37Stop.

04:38Accept a champion named Temanthes who is somewhere in the Agora.

04:42Thanks.

04:45I've got an ear for languages, okay?

04:49Maybe one of these wing bags is seeing these Temanthes fella.

04:53Sir, we're looking for a wrestler.

04:55Wrestling?

04:56Why grapple with your fellow man when the mysteries of life still escape our clutches?

05:01Uh, yeah.

05:03Look, do you know a guy named Temanthes, or don't you?

05:06I have met him, but I can know nothing more than the reflection of his existence.

05:11Oh, okay.

05:13Haven't the Greeks ever heard of a straight answer?

05:16Not here.

05:17Athens was the birthplace of philosophy.

05:20A remarkable culture that came about largely due to a great thinker named Socrates.

05:30Socrates was an old soldier and stonecutter.

05:33He wasn't a handsome man, nor was he well-groomed,

05:37but his brilliant mind won him respect from those who understood him.

05:41He questioned everything from government to religion.

05:45He believed in searching for the truth, no matter where it might lead you.

05:48Unfortunately, Socrates' search led him down a very dark road.

05:53The government said that he was guilty of corrupting young people

05:56by teaching them to question authority.

05:58But before he could be executed, he drank poison.

06:04Others followed in Socrates' footsteps.

06:07In their quest for wisdom, Greek philosophers questioned everything,

06:11but didn't always have the answers.

06:13But he proved that the power of one person's mind can change the world.

06:17He was Socrates, father of philosophy.

06:21Wow! Socrates rocks!

06:25Too bad he can't help us find Timanthes.

06:27He's at the assembly.

06:29Excuse me?

06:30Timanthes, the wrestler.

06:32He spoke of attending the assembly today.

06:35Oh, do you know him?

06:36Yes.

06:37Nice fellow, a bit overly competitive.

06:39I saw him earlier, grieving about not making the Olympic team.

06:44I'm Lenartes, humble philosopher.

06:47I'm headed that way.

06:49Perhaps we can have an exchange of ideas and concepts while we search for him.

06:54Here's a concept for you.

06:55How about stopping at a gyro stand?

06:57Ow!

06:58There is only one way to defeat the savage Spartan army.

07:03We use our stores of barley to lure a giant weasel.

07:08Possibly two giant weasels to go and eat them.

07:11Timanthes is not here.

07:13Perhaps he has left the assembly.

07:15If that doesn't work, I suggest we bombard them with barrels of drool.

07:21This man is a genius.

07:23Who is all this blah, blah, blah?

07:26The assembly, a place where everyone is permitted to vote and speak on the issues.

07:31Except women.

07:32Women can't vote.

07:33And voters.

07:35And slaves.

07:36And anyone under 30 and then there's...

07:38Okay, okay, I get it.

07:40Government for the people by a couple of people.

07:43It's pretty cool though.

07:44No kings or dictators.

07:46I mean, it's democracy.

07:48Well, it had a long way to go before things were truly democratic, but it was a start.

07:54In about 594 BCE, animosity between the rich aristocrats who ruled Athens and the rest of the population was heading for civil war.

08:02But a Middle-aged merchant poet named Solon came to the rescue.

08:11The Athenian government gave the fair-minded Solon full power to reform the laws to bring peace to Athens.

08:21Solon created a system of government where all citizens take part.

08:25True democracy.

08:26Wow, so that's how democracy got started.

08:30Any citizen can speak?

08:32As long as it's an issue of vital importance to the city-state.

08:36Hey everybody, how's it going?

08:37Uh, has anyone seen Tamanthus?

08:40The wrestler, burly guy who didn't make the Olympics?

08:42Anybody?

08:44No?

08:44Oh well, as long as I'm up here, uh...

08:47Uh, what did the gorilla say to the orangutan?

08:50I'm sorry we couldn't find some madness.

08:54Hey, it wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't have gotten us thrown out of the assembly.

09:00It's not my fault they don't know comedy gold when they hear it.

09:05What an odd odour.

09:08Mmm, I'd know that smell in any century.

09:11Barbecue, follow me.

09:12Yummy.

09:14Who's cooking out, guys?

09:16The wrestler, Tamanthus.

09:18Hey, we found him.

09:19Me and this guy are going to get along great.

09:21A little barbecue, a little wrestling lesson.

09:23Don't get your hopes up.

09:25Tamanthus' story shows the importance that the Greeks put on athletics.

09:30When the famous wrestler lost his strength and could no longer be number one,

09:38he decided to end it all.

09:42Spartan?

09:45A shame.

09:46Really, he was a rare breed.

09:49I'd say medium rare about now.

09:51Ow!

09:52And we're still without a wrestling coach.

09:55We could try to find another teacher in Athens.

09:58We could be attacked by Spartan.

10:02Right, like that's a choice.

10:05Actually, I'm afraid we don't have a choice.

10:08This is definitely going to delay our wrestling lessons, isn't it?

10:18Yes, it's the second Spartan invasion this week.

10:21Run, my friends.

10:22For he who runs awake and always philosophize another day.

10:26I don't get it.

10:37Aren't the Athenians and Spartans all the same people?

10:40Yes, all Greeks.

10:41But don't expect to see a lot of brotherly love.

10:43Greece never developed into one united country, but grew into city-states, the most powerful

10:52being Athens and Sparta.

10:54They started out as friendly neighbours, and even worked together to defend against Persian

11:01invaders.

11:01But then, Sparta and Athens started arguing over who was going to be the main man in Greece.

11:08It got ugly.

11:11Sparta had fertile fields and a large population to create the most powerful land army in the

11:16world, while Athens had excellent engineers and organisational ability to build the biggest

11:21and most powerful fleet of warships on the sea.

11:24If only they had joined forces, Greece could have been a remarkable and enduring power.

11:29But instead, the city-states kept fighting and were weakened by a war that lasted over three

11:35decades.

11:41Well, until these cranky-pants get together, I'd rather not be in the middle.

11:45We've got to get out of here.

11:46I've got a plan that will get us to safety in no time.

11:49And who's to say I don't have a good plan?

11:51Please, not now.

11:53If not now, when?

11:56Tell me, is Athens your city-state?

11:59Uh, not exactly.

12:02Actually, we were looking for a good wrestling match.

12:09Wrestling?

12:10Athenians are too weak to wrestle.

12:19We Spartans are the strongest of all Greeks.

12:21We just whipped Athens in the Peloponnesian War, just as Thucydides.

12:25Who?

12:28Thucydides.

12:29He's the Greek historian who wrote the first official history of the wars between Athens

12:33and Sparta.

12:33Only Athenians would be smart enough to know that.

12:41Gee, these guys don't cut Athenians any slack, do they?

12:44Well, yes, Spartans were certainly dedicated in their struggle against Athens.

12:49They always swore to be victorious or dead.

12:52The Spartan used his shield in battle.

12:55If he won, he would return victorious with his shield.

12:57But if he lost, he would be carried off the field of battle on top of his shield, like

13:02a stretcher.

13:03You are young enemies of Sparta.

13:06Shall we kill them?

13:08Nah, we won the battle.

13:10Let's do what we usually do to all inferiors.

13:14Yes, please!

13:16We'll take you as our slaves!

13:18This is all your fault, you know.

13:25You started it, you know.

13:27Well, now, this has really brought the conflict between Greek city-states into focus, hasn't

13:32it?

13:32Yeah, yeah, in focus.

13:34You know, maybe if you'd trust me a little...

13:36Trust you?

13:37Ha!

13:38That's a lot!

13:39Here's Athens and Sparta, two organised city-states with common enemies, no territorial disputes,

13:45and a great future ahead.

13:46But they were rivals who never trusted each other.

13:49Yeah, yeah, whatever.

13:51How am I supposed to trust you when...

13:54Come on, give me a chance.

13:55What I'm saying is that it's amazing to think of how much more Greece could have achieved

14:00if Sparta and Athens had only stopped arguing and pulled together.

14:05Listen, do you mind?

14:06Yeah, please.

14:08Have it your own way.

14:09As I was saying, if you would visit reality now and then...

14:14Please, give me a break.

14:17See, now look what you've done.

14:18Your constant harping caused a solar eclipse.

14:21Mmm, Nilo's like Athenian.

14:26Nilo's Eve.

14:32Spartans, not a delicate bunch.

14:34You've got that right.

14:36Spartans were mean, nasty, and...

14:39As they say, it's all in how you raise them.

14:45When a Spartan baby was born, if it seemed strong, they would raise it.

14:49But if not, the baby would be placed in a jar on a mountainside

14:54and left to starve or be eaten by wolves.

14:57If a boy survived childhood, he still wasn't off the hook.

15:00At seven years old, he was sent off to join herds of boys in military camps.

15:05They shaved their heads,

15:07were only allowed to wash a few times a year,

15:10and were frequently beaten.

15:15The Spartans were dedicated to making a nation of strong soldiers,

15:20even if it killed them, literally.

15:24Jeez, what did these Spartans do for fun?

15:26Pull out their toenails?

15:27No, pull out other people's toenails.

15:33Stop, Nilo's.

15:34We're gonna need them.

15:36Uh, for what? Friendship? Moral support?

15:40You Athenians are supposed to be so brainy,

15:43but you don't get it.

15:45Get used to the new jewelry.

15:47You're gonna be Spartan slaves for the rest of your lives.

15:51Somehow, the humor of that escapes me.

16:01I never realized this slavery biz had a glamorous side.

16:06Ew.

16:07Will you concentrate?

16:08You missed a big hunk of toe jam.

16:11You two do a good job.

16:13Nilo's needs clean feet for the games.

16:16Games?

16:16They're headed for the Olympics.

16:20Excellent.

16:21We'll get our wrestling lessons after all.

16:23All wars stop for the Olympics.

16:26And this year, we've got a great discus man.

16:31Right, Nilo's?

16:32Uh, Nilo's like discus.

16:36Eat discus.

16:38Well, the sports doesn't work out.

16:40He's got a future in public speaking.

16:42Oh, you Athenians think you're so smart.

16:46Well, you're not!

16:47Your general Alcibiades said that Spartans were too dumb

16:50to even navigate a ship.

16:52And now look at us!

16:53We've got the biggest fleet anywhere!

16:58All right.

17:00We're walking.

17:01Hey, Delphi fans!

17:08I can see the future!

17:10You're gonna lose!

17:11Phoebe's rules!

17:13All right, go shut your seven gates.

17:15Delphi all the way, baby!

17:17Thanks, Zeus.

17:19We made it just in time.

17:21You know, aside from the sunburn, foot blisters,

17:23and probable spinal injury,

17:25that was a fun little trip.

17:27Hey, you remember Talos said if we made it,

17:29we'd get a full body massager.

17:31Uh, that was you give a full body massage.

17:35To Nelos!

17:36He always gets one before he competes.

17:39Oh, hey!

17:41They're starting the first race!

17:43Hey, Mo, all enslavement aside,

17:45we're about to watch the original Greek Olympic Games.

17:49Yeah, this is a great moment.

17:51Don't ruin it, okay?

17:54Uh, those guys are naked.

17:58Ha!

17:59Couldn't wait to see the look on your faces.

18:01Moments like this make it all worthwhile.

18:06Back then, the Olympics were very different.

18:08The only thing athletes wore was a layer of olive oil.

18:12And some of the events were rather odd.

18:15Mule racing,

18:16a four-horse chariot race,

18:17a foot race in which the competitors wore a full suit of armor,

18:20and a relay race in which runners carried a flaming baton.

18:24The winners won glory for their city and were celebrated throughout Greece.

18:27Sure, the Olympics were different back then,

18:29but one thing will never change.

18:31Everyone wants to win.

18:32Speaking of winning, we've still got dongle to worry about.

18:37Do you see any wrestling?

18:39What are you, blind?

18:41Look right over there.

18:44They're jumping on each other,

18:45just like on the wrestling map.

18:47Yeah, but that's all fake.

18:49This is all huge!

18:51Yeah, I'm all that biting and gouging a lot of eyes.

18:59Well, yes, and strangling is permitted as well.

19:02Also arm-twisting.

19:03Oh, and I almost forgot kicking.

19:07Along with the ever-popular jumping up and down on your opponent.

19:12Slaves!

19:14You are here to do our every bidding,

19:17not enjoy the games.

19:20Peaceful!

19:22Come, Nilos.

19:25Alright, let's go win this.

19:29Well, the sissy Athenians came out to play.

19:32We'll see if you've got the game

19:38to back up that arrogant attitude.

19:41Oh, we're ready.

19:42Especially since we've got a couple of souvenirs from Athens

19:45to help our star athlete prepare.

19:48Slaves!

19:50They've escaped.

19:52Find them!

19:54Mo, wrestling lessons or no,

19:55we've got to go back to our time.

19:56Are you crazy?

19:58Being a foot-scrubbing slave is a walk in the park

20:00compared to the humiliation of being outwrestled by Darren Dongle.

20:04Who is that?

20:05I don't know, but the little one's scrappy.

20:07He's got to be from Delphi.

20:09Bossy Harpy from beyond?

20:12Lazy, doing, goop nugget!

20:14You wish!

20:14That's a thiebin if ever I've seen one.

20:17Says you, twerp.

20:20There they are.

20:21Out on the field.

20:22Give up!

20:24Give up!

20:24Hey, you screwed up my throat,

20:38you dumb Macedonian ape!

20:41Get bent, Corinthian!

20:42Wow, look at all these Grecians scrapping like junkyard dogs.

20:53And they're supposed to be neighbors.

20:55They're supposed to be friends.

20:57I guess part of being friends is working things out peacefully.

21:01Yeah, but the Greek city-states never learned that.

21:04They kept conquering each other and weakening each other's armies

21:07until Alexander the Great was able to come in and conquer them all.

21:10And the moral of our little story?

21:15United we stand.

21:17Divided we fail.

21:18Fair play.

21:19That's two at the buzzer.

21:20Ready to go home?

21:26All right, you two.

21:28Time to match mat.

21:33No, we didn't learn how to wrestle.

21:36But we did learn that our best bet is to work together.

21:40You're going to have to take us both on.

21:43We have to wrestle the way the ancient Greeks did.

21:46Completely naked.

21:49What are you doing?

21:51I've got some olive oil in my locker.

21:54Olive oil?

21:56So we can cover ourselves with it.

21:58Got to do it right, don't we?

21:59And hey, we need an audience.

22:01Let's get the whole class over here.

22:02Never mind.

22:06I can't wrestle.

22:08I've sprained by a...

22:09A sore for this.

22:10Oh yes, it's quite painful.

22:12I should see no swim some.

22:13Goodbye.

22:15Glad to have that problem solved.

22:18What about our problem getting along?

22:21Let's say it's a thing of the past.

22:24Pals?

22:25Pals.

23:56What do you think about all this cool old stuff?

23:59We're history!

24:2613.6 feet.

24:29Oh, it's just not my day-to-day.

24:32Try having milk for lunch. Makes for a nice, chunky mucus.

24:35Hey, Moe, looks like someone's moving in next door.

24:50Now, the return 12-door buffet goes in the dining room.

24:53Oh, I'm careful with that lava lamp.

24:55I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.

25:02You mean a perfectly awful explanation?

25:05Dongle's gonna be my neighbor!

25:08Sorry, Moe, but there's no way I'm gonna come over here anymore.

25:11He'll butt into everything.

25:12What if we build a wall?

25:18Yeah, sure, and it'll be really tall!

25:22And really thick!

25:24A wall! It's perfect!

25:27Well, until force field technology is available, of course.

25:30Building a wall, eh?

25:31I know some folks who could offer a few pointers.

25:34Oh, no. I know this game.

25:36You'll zap us back in time,

25:37and we'll get into a bunch of weird situations.

25:40Hmm. Couldn't be more weird than having Dongle as a next-door neighbor.

25:44Point taken. Zap away!

25:55Welcome to ancient China.

25:57The time, 221 BCE.

26:01Black bean sauce had just become popular,

26:03and the first wheelbarrow is invented.

26:08Wow, I feel like a rat in a giant maze.

26:10Indeed.

26:11The Chinese built walls around everything.

26:14Houses and towns and...

26:15The more I think about it,

26:17the more I have a craving for cheese.

26:20Ahem.

26:20As I was saying,

26:21the Chinese word for wall is chum,

26:24which is also the word for city.

26:27Then they're bound to have one wall around here

26:29that's dongle-proof.

26:32We can make some sketches and recreate it all back home.

26:35Hail to the great spirits from beyond!

26:37The cracks in this oracle bone

26:39foretold that I would have a surprise visit this day.

26:42Then poof!

26:43I saw you appear out of thin air!

26:46Welcome, spirits, to this unworthy earthly plane!

26:51Uh, sorry, pal.

26:52We aren't spirits.

26:54Ah!

26:55It is a secret!

26:56I will not kill his soul.

26:58Just allow me to act as your servant

26:59while you walk among us mortals.

27:01I am Ning.

27:04You know, maybe you can help us out, Ning.

27:07We're looking for a terrific wall.

27:09One strong enough to keep out dongle.

27:11I mean, keep out evil beings from the spirit realm.

27:15I know just the wall.

27:17Come to my humble home, great spirits.

27:23Nice house, Ning.

27:25Hey, you don't use glass in your windows.

27:29This is paper.

27:30And these walls aren't exactly what we had in mind.

27:33No, no.

27:34From here, the rooftops are the only place

27:36that the Great Wall can be seen.

27:39Did you say the Great Wall?

27:48Emperor Qin calls it the Demon Barrier.

27:51He thinks it will have the power to stop evil spirits.

27:55It's, it's, it's...

27:57It's perfect!

27:58We'll make one just like it in my yard.

28:01Your yard?

28:02That's the Great Wall.

28:04So we'll make a smaller version.

28:06Call it the Pretty Good Wall or something like that.

28:09Yeah!

28:10Not even Dongle's annoying laugh.

28:13Hee-hee-hee-hee!

28:15Can make it over that.

28:16You bet.

28:17China has a lot of walls,

28:18but the Great Wall is the biggest and baddest of them all.

28:25Emperor Qin had a dream

28:27and saw that his empire was vulnerable,

28:29so he ordered the wall to be built

28:30and for it to be the biggest structure ever created by mankind.

28:35Once completed,

28:36the Great Wall will be an average of 20 feet thick at the bottom,

28:4012 feet thick at the top.

28:42We are all the way!

28:44Yeah!

28:45Yeah!

28:46Yeah!

28:47Yeah!

28:47There will be 40-foot guard towers every 200 yards,

28:51close enough together so that the archer's arrows could reach anywhere along the wall.

28:56And when finished,

28:57the Great Wall will be about 4,000 miles long

29:00and will be the only man-made structure visible from outer space.

29:04Look at a UFO!

29:07That's not a UFO.

29:08That's the Great Wall of China,

29:10the only man-made structure visible from outer space.

29:14Mo, you're gonna need a bigger backyard.

29:23Oh, yes!

29:23Yes!

29:24Hold that pose for a moment!

29:26I need proof that you spirits chose Ning to be your guide on this earthly plane!

29:33Hold it!

29:34My nose isn't really that big, is it?

29:37I was a woodcarver before Emperor Qin assigned me to work on the...

29:40The wall!

29:44Look at the time!

29:47Now that's an innovative timepiece!

29:50Yes, the ancient Chinese were very resourceful.

29:52They invented the speedometer,

29:54the potter's wheel,

29:56even toilet paper.

29:58Have they gotten around to egg rolls yet?

29:59I was thinking we could have a little snack.

30:06Oh!

30:07You spirits bring Ning good luck!

30:09We made it on time!

30:10What if you were late?

30:12Oh, I would get yelled at by my supervisor!

30:14And then get my nose chopped off!

30:19Believe me, there are many strict rules around here!

30:24Oh, that's General Tien!

30:28He's in charge of construction on this part of the wall!

30:30Worker subjects of the great Emperor Qin!

30:37Today begins a new day of...

30:39Woo!

30:39Ahem!

30:40Today begins a new...

30:42Woo!

30:42Today!

30:43Woo!

30:43Today begins a new day of work on the mighty wall!

30:46Your imp...

30:47Woo!

30:48Woo!

30:49Ahem!

30:54Worker subjects of the great Emperor Qin!

30:55Today begins a new day of...

30:57Woo!

30:57Oh, just turn hollin' bricks.

31:01Uh, I'd say the general needs to go with the decaf green tea.

31:06Come, great spirits. I will show you your tasks.

31:10Task? No, Ning, we're not here to work on the wall.

31:13We're here to watch you guys do it so we can learn how to build our own.

31:16All right, just be grateful that you are immortal, spirits.

31:20Why?

31:20Because Emperor Chin orders that anyone refusing to work on the wall will be instantly put to death.

31:27Very clever. You pretend to fear death so that others will not know you are spirits.

31:39Uh, Ning, we're not spirits.

31:43Oh, not spirits. And not spirit must be an even more powerful variety of spirit. It is hard to keep up.

31:51Okay. While you live in your little fantasy world, just tell us when we can stop staring this goat.

31:56No, no, never stop staring. That is the second rule of this job.

32:02So what's the first rule?

32:03Ah!

32:05Keep wiggling your toes or they all get stuck together.

32:08Mo, can't we just go home and build our own wall?

32:18No, we have to learn how to build that rule.

32:22Unless you want Dongle coming by to stop our spitting contest or popping over to brag about all of his extra credit projects.

32:30Yeah, I get a rash when he does that.

32:39No, sweat! We've got it!

32:41No! Don't do it!

32:43Seize them!

32:46I caught you and now you must suffer!

32:50The Emperor!

32:51Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, guys! What's the problem?

32:59The Emperor saw you place that rock on the cart and that is not your job.

33:04Yeah, so?

33:05Yeah, so?

33:06It is against the Emperor's rules to perform someone else's job.

33:11So what's the punishment? We put it back where we found it, right?

33:14That, plus you are... put to death!

33:20Wait a minute! The Emperor is going to execute us for going outside our job description?

33:25Is he nuts?

33:27Nuts? Emperor Chin? Heavens no!

33:31He is the most sane, level-headed man around!

33:34He'd kill you guys if he didn't say that, eh?

33:36Pretty much.

33:37Yeah.

33:38Before your execution, your bodies must be purified.

33:46Does a snack come with that?

33:49Welcome, condemned peasants.

33:54Can you tell us what's going on?

33:56Well, we're in the middle of a long wall-building process and the Emperor would like you to be part of it.

34:02But we were. We were stirring up goop and stuff.

34:05No, no. He wants you to be part of it.

34:07Specifically, that part right over there.

34:12Over there.

34:14Your life force will strengthen the wall.

34:17But first, to cleanse your bodies, you must be surrounded by this purifying vapour.

34:23Purifying? Smells like tuna salad in armpits.

34:27You're gonna bury us in the wall? This is crazy!

34:31We've got to talk to this Emperor guy. He'll listen to reason.

34:34The Emperor is not big on reason.

34:36That's not the half of it.

34:39Emperor Qin was crazed, homicidal, and sometimes just plain rude.

34:43Well, you'll see. Roll him!

34:45Tonight, on Behind the Monarch, Emperor Qin Shuangdi, a legend who unified China, but paid the price of ruling in the fast lane.

34:55Qin inherited his kingdom at the early age of 13.

34:58After only a few years, he established a new unified nation.

35:02The young ruler changed his name to Qin Shuangdi, or the first emperor, and called his new empire China, after himself.

35:11He might have been powerful, but he was also extremely cruel.

35:15He declared that a special bell be rung at sunset and sunrise.

35:20Anyone caught on the streets at night would be executed.

35:23The emperor also ruled that only he could wear the design of a five-clawed dragon on his clothing.

35:29Anyone caught wearing the special symbol would be executed.

35:32Hmm. If they were caught at night, I wonder if they were executed twice.

35:36Anyway, it all ended one cold evening in 206 BCE, after drinking a potion that he believed would make him live forever.

35:44However, the emperor died.

35:46Was he murdered, or did he just drink a bad batch of brew?

35:51No one knows.

35:55This guy's egg roll is definitely wrapped a bit tight, wouldn't you say?

35:59Come on, you two. Time to...

36:02execute the emperor's command.

36:05Stop, mortal!

36:06I think it's only fair to warn you that Mo and I are really...

36:10powerful beings from the spirit realm!

36:12And if you anger us, we will smite you with our super-powerful...

36:16powers!

36:21So much for that idea.

36:24Think I should have just put some cool ninja moves on him?

36:31Stitch! Think of something!

36:33I'm overqualified to be a brick!

36:40Psst!

36:40Knot Spirits, do not fear!

36:44Ning! Thank goodness you're here to save us!

36:47What's the plan?

36:48No plan. Escape is impossible.

36:50I was saying, do not fear, because you are the invincible Knot Spirits!

36:55They cannot harm you!

36:56Oh, I cannot wait to see the look on their faces!

37:02It doesn't get much worse than this!

37:05Well, actually it could.

37:07I have a little gas.

37:18Wow, it's pretty amazing what a little fermented gas can do, huh?

37:21Not so amazing. Actually, I broke you out of there.

37:24After I zapped you over a thousand years into the future, that is.

37:27This is the future. Everything looks exactly the same!

37:31Yes, because of the Great Wall, the Chinese had very few outside influences in culture or society.

37:38Everything just kind of stayed the same.

37:41Now, what do you think about building a wall in your yard?

37:44I love it!

37:46If a wall like this can keep Dongo out for a thousand years, then I'm sold!

37:51Maybe I should rephrase my question.

37:53Look, Mo! It's Ning!

37:56He's aged pretty well for being over a thousand years old.

38:00Actually, that's Ning's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson.

38:06How can we be sure this guy's really a descendant of Ning?

38:09Oh, great-not-spirits! Welcome back to our unworthy earthly plan!

38:15Never mind.

38:17Your legend has been in my family for generations.

38:20Your return will surely bring a new era of blissful peace and prosperity to China.

38:29Genghis Khan will destroy us all!

38:31Tell me, Monk, the attack is going well?

38:41Yes, it's fine, great Khan.

38:44We'll have these people conquered by sundown.

38:47Maybe sooner if we take a shorter launch.

38:50Oh, good.

38:52We'll finish up here, then continue on to conquer the western provinces.

38:57Do you think maybe we can rest first?

39:00Monk, what is that thing right over there?

39:06It looks like a wall!

39:08If someone has built a wall to keep me out, that someone is asking to be conquered!

39:13Oh, not today, great Khan.

39:17Look, it's just a sculpture.

39:20Yes, the Chinese are very artsy.

39:23Let's forget about it. What do you say?

39:25I did hear something about a Chinese wall.

39:31Foolish insects!

39:32I will crush them!

39:37Just look at this view, Stitch.

39:40Yes, it's a great day to be alive, isn't it, Monk?

39:43Today, we lay seed to that wall and utterly destroy all who stand in our way.

39:49Got the dimensions on these parapets, Ning?

39:54Yes, oh, great nut spirit!

39:57Lucky for us, you inherited the family wood carving talent.

40:00Here, have a look.

40:04Cool, we're almost finished.

40:06We've got crenellated battlements that we can shoot paintballs through.

40:09With a load of water balloons in the guard tower, there's no way Dongle's getting over this baby.

40:14Oh, pardon me, great nut spirits.

40:17I wouldn't worry about Dongle's.

40:19We've got Mongle's!

40:24They have come to conquer us!

40:26I don't know.

40:27From the smell of them, they just might be searching for shower facilities.

40:36Foolish Chinese!

40:37You dare defy the great Khan by building a wall?

40:41I will!

40:42It's not a wall.

40:44He said, it's not a wall!

40:51Well, uh, what is it then?

40:54A natural rock formation.

40:56Yes, an unusually long one.

40:58Wait, you are trying to trick me!

41:02Fools, do you know who I am?

41:05I, who have conquered countless lands.

41:08I, who have crushed entire empires in my fist.

41:12I am Genghis Khan, leader of the bloodthirsty Mongol hordes!

41:18Those are some scary dudes.

41:23Ha, that's an understatement.

41:24The Mongols were from the harshest regions of Central Asia and Siberia.

41:36They were small, but incredibly powerful for their size.

41:43They could ride for weeks on very little food, and if they ran out, they could stay alive by sucking small amounts of blood from their horses' necks.

41:53The average Mongol was armed with an axe, a sword, a lance, and two bowls.

42:02The Mongols were perhaps the most formidable warriors that ever lived, possessing strength, intelligence, endurance, cunning, and excellent hygiene.

42:15Okay, I made the last one up.

42:17Wow, these guys need to seriously chill out.

42:21Yeah! Don't fight the love, man!

42:25I will give you until a count of ten to open that kit!

42:30One, three, seven!

42:33All great and powerful Nod Spirits, this is your chance!

42:36Bring down your wrath upon the evil Conqueror!

42:39Three, nine!

42:40Uh...

42:41Twelve, three, ten!

42:45Fire!

42:51Oh dear, this is terrible!

42:54You're telling me!

42:55Now I'll never get to build that foe in my garden!

42:58No, I meant the entire Chinese empire is about to crumble!

43:02Oh yeah, that too.

43:10Cool, Stitch!

43:20These guys built a wall and it only encouraged their enemies to break through.

43:24Something tells me the same thing will happen with Dongle!

43:27Yeah, he's so nosy, building a wall would only egg him on.

43:31No!

43:33So much for our war plants!

43:36I guess we'll just have to deal with him some other way.

43:38Now that's more like it.

43:41Can we go home now?

43:43Wait, what about Ning?

43:45Oh, don't worry about me!

43:46I'll get on the Mad Conqueror's good side!

43:52Good for you, Ning!

43:54There's always another solution!

43:56Maybe we could try the same thing with Dongle!

43:58You mean kiss up to him?

44:04Farewell, great Nod Spirits!

44:06I will never forget you!

44:07Thanks, Ning!

44:09See ya!

44:13That's it?

44:14No three wishes or anything?

44:16Some spirits!

44:20Well, we might as well go welcome, my dude!

44:25Nay!

44:26Nay!

44:29Stitch!

44:30I can't even say it!

44:32Sometimes life isn't pretty, Moe.

44:36Before I go, on behalf of the Student Moving Committee, welcome to the area!

44:41My itemized bill should arrive in three to five business days!

44:45Ta-ta!

44:47Student Moving Committee?

44:49Moe, Darren isn't moving in!

44:51He was just helping with the move!

44:53Hiya!

44:55I see you met Darren!

44:57Yeah, we needed a few extra hands on loading our stuff, like the Jungle Gem!

45:02You guys can come and try it out if, like, you want!

45:04The word Wanderous comes to mind?

45:08Almost as wondrous as the Great Wall!

45:12Hey, I'm done with walls!

45:14We almost put one between us and a new pal!

45:16Guess we got the luck of the Nod Spirits, huh?

45:19Ha-ha-ha!

45:20Last run to the Jungle Gem's a rotten egg roll!

45:23Oh!

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