- 8 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Previously on Accidentally On Purpose.
00:04I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly younger than me,
00:08and I just need to know if the situation is empowering or desperate.
00:11Zero for 18.
00:12Empowering!
00:14I'm just not a one-night-stand kind of person.
00:16I just never do things like this.
00:20So this is the spot where we...
00:22Okay, your first pregnancy test. That's adorable.
00:26Yay!
00:28I think you should stay with me.
00:30I don't want to complicate your life.
00:32Why stop now?
00:33I miss you.
00:35You should miss me.
00:37I'm fantastic.
00:39Remember our whole boundaries conversation?
00:41Yeah, but when you said, don't touch my stuff,
00:43I thought you meant like your soy milk in your computer.
00:45No, I meant don't touch my stuff.
00:48Baby?
00:49Yeah, she's having my baby. Cool, huh?
00:51What?
00:52I've got to update my Facebook status.
00:56Are people staring at me because I just broke up with the boss
01:05and accidentally got impregnated by a 22-year-old on a bouton?
01:10Or, and this is the one I want you to say,
01:12because my hair turned out all bouncy and fun.
01:14Actually, people are staring because you've got a great big hunk of cream cheese on your boob.
01:19So, what's it like living with a little impregnator?
01:25Do you know, it's a little awkward.
01:28Fresh coffee in the kitchen.
01:29Ooh.
01:30Whoops.
01:33Hey, look at you.
01:36He's got a great personality.
01:41Oh, look, here's old coca-doodle-doo nose.
01:44Hey.
01:45There.
01:46So, newspaper, huh?
01:48This is where they print the lies.
01:50I wanted to bring your key back.
01:52I got a copy made.
01:53Okay.
01:54Well, Zach, Davis, thank you for coming by.
01:57Now, perhaps you should go, because last time you dropped in...
01:59Great!
02:00This guy's back.
02:02That happened.
02:04How'd you get in here?
02:05You didn't get my security guard pregnant, too, did you?
02:09I was just dropping off Billy's key because we're living together.
02:13Oh, no, he didn't!
02:17Olivia, would you kindly...
02:18Just get out.
02:19Go.
02:20You make me sick.
02:21My baby's in our love cave.
02:23What?
02:24What?
02:26Oh, love cave.
02:29These kids and their ill-time jokes.
02:33It's platonic.
02:34Look, we may not be together anymore, but I still care about you.
02:38Who is this kid?
02:39Where's he from?
02:41Seattle.
02:42What's your dad do?
02:43Architect.
02:44Siblings.
02:45Four.
02:46Meg, Tom, Bill, and Rosie.
02:47Well, it sounds like you have everything under control.
02:52Hey, how come you didn't tell me these things about Zach?
02:55Because it's not true.
02:56I just rattled stuff off from Sleepless in Seattle.
03:01I don't actually know where he's from.
03:03During our fling, we didn't get into a lot of deep conversation.
03:06Oh, that rocked.
03:09Oh, I'd kill for a meatball hero.
03:12You just give that guy your key.
03:15They do a better background check when you move into a crack house.
03:20Hey, here's an idea.
03:22How about I get to know the father of my baby?
03:24Good morning, Ruby.
03:25Whatcha doing?
03:26Smiling.
03:27Oh, my God.
03:28You're in the middle of going downtown on the alone train.
03:29My bad.
03:30No, I wasn't.
03:31I wasn't.
03:32Anyway, what's up?
03:33Um, well, I wanted to talk to you about something so crazy and funny that I realized.
03:34You know what is so funny and crazy?
03:35I don't know where you're from.
03:36Where are you from?
03:37You know what, we should totally, totally have this conversation.
03:38But I've actually got a bunch of stuff to do around town, so...
03:39So do I.
03:40We can do it together and talk about your parents.
03:41Uh, thanks, but I'm good.
03:42It's kind of personal.
03:43Is that okay?
03:44It's okay.
03:45It's okay.
03:46It's okay.
03:47It's okay.
03:48It's fantastic.
03:49Cool.
03:50Okay.
03:51I respect the hell out of that.
03:54Okay.
03:55I respect the hell out of that.
03:58You know what?
03:59You know what?
04:00You're so funny.
04:01I'm so funny and crazy.
04:02I don't know where you're from.
04:03Where are you from?
04:04You know what?
04:05We should totally, totally have this conversation.
04:07But I've actually got a bunch of stuff to do around town, so...
04:09So do I.
04:10We can do it together and talk about your parents.
04:11Uh, thanks, but I'm good.
04:12It's kind of personal.
04:13Is that okay?
04:14I can't be anything without you.
04:28I wonder why Zack couldn't tell you anything.
04:30Oh, I had a dream he told you he was from St. Louis.
04:33If I'm right, then the rest of my dream will also come true,
04:36which means I will get an email from Michelle Obama.
04:39I did a very bad thing.
04:40No, you won't know.
04:41I tossed his room.
04:42You did not.
04:43Oh, but I did.
04:44I tossed it like a prison guard looking for crack.
04:58Yeah.
04:59I'm ashamed to be your sister.
05:01What'd you find?
05:02Okay.
05:03I found this picture, which I've never seen before, taken the night we met at the bar.
05:08I found it in a mysterious pile of parking tickets, which she kept in a secretive pizza box.
05:13That's sweet.
05:15Does the back of my hair always look that flat?
05:18Yeah.
05:19Yeah.
05:20Yeah?
05:21Yeah.
05:22This picture was taken before you two met.
05:24How do you know that?
05:25I'm a journalist.
05:26I know all the tricks of the trade.
05:29Plus, the clock on the wall in the bar behind you says 7.26.
05:33Right.
05:34So, on top of it, I found this note.
05:39Dear Billy, this is hard to say.
05:45And that's it.
05:46That's creepy, right?
05:48Yeah.
05:49The only way that could be creepier is if it was written in blood.
05:54We need facts.
05:55That's what reporters get.
05:56Facts.
05:57No, you're right.
05:58This kid is the father of my baby.
06:00Oh, my God.
06:01The kid is the father of my baby.
06:05Frank, we need to go down to this bar right now and get to the bottom of things.
06:08You just want to have a martini.
06:10Yeah, there is some truth in that.
06:13What's this guy's name again?
06:15Zack.
06:16He's super cute.
06:17He hangs out with this guy that looks like a hipster caveman.
06:20Davis.
06:21Yeah, yeah.
06:22They're in here playing some game they just made up.
06:24It's called bar stew roulette.
06:26All right, you're gonna close your eyes.
06:27We're gonna spin you around.
06:28Now, whoever you take a picture of, you gotta try and nail.
06:31Wait, wait, wait, wait.
06:32What if it's a dude?
06:33Just look interested in what he's saying.
06:35Guys love that.
06:37Wait, I'm...
06:40Ugh.
06:41Okay, stop!
06:46Yes!
06:47Hot! Blonde!
06:48I'm into it.
06:49Come on!
06:50It would have been so much better if it was a dude.
06:53Oh, it was fate.
06:54No, it wasn't.
06:55I was the prize on Wheel of Horny.
06:58Do you remember anything else?
07:00I think they were celebrating something with the picture guy.
07:03Well, I'm having a baby with that guy.
07:05Something good happened.
07:06Why didn't he tell me?
07:07My article's not due till tomorrow.
07:09Let's just go shake down that little hedgehog he hangs out with
07:12and get some answers.
07:13Good idea.
07:14I like it.
07:15Three ladies shaking it down, hot on the trail, getting some answers.
07:18One of them a pregnant James Bond.
07:21One of them loose and Scottish.
07:24The third has flat hair.
07:32Hello?
07:33Hello?
07:39So, this is the place Zach seduced you?
07:45Yes, yes it is.
07:48I feel really good about myself right now.
07:52What does the master bedroom look out over?
07:54Hell?
07:58I think it's charming.
07:59I mean, I love these kitschy little coasters.
08:01Oh, that's baloney.
08:11I knew this would happen.
08:13So, how do you guys want to do this?
08:14All at once or one at a time?
08:20Sorry to barge you in, Davis, but, um,
08:22look, I was thinking about surprising Zach for his birthday and...
08:26Oh, my God, are you seriously eating that?
08:31And I didn't know when his birthday is, so I didn't just, like, miss it, did I?
08:36I don't know.
08:37He was born in the year of the rat, though.
08:39I learned that off a placement at a Chinese restaurant.
08:42Me?
08:43The year of the tiger.
08:45Oh.
08:46I'm a monkey.
08:48No.
08:50Focus.
08:52Okay, but that night it seemed like you were celebrating something.
08:54What would that something be?
08:55Tell me that.
08:56I want to know that.
08:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
08:58The night of the bar.
08:59Well, my favorite part was definitely the next morning.
09:02Hello.
09:12Hello.
09:15Look, that hooker's still moving.
09:17Get her.
09:18Got her.
09:21Oops, got the cellular.
09:23Which I'm gonna need if I'm gonna find another lucky lad to have casual sex with.
09:27I'm kidding.
09:28I am a nice lady.
09:29Actually, I never do stuff like this.
09:30There it is.
09:32Oh.
09:33Flying in some miscellaneous liquid.
09:38Okay.
09:43Dude, she was sexy as hell.
09:46Morning porn star.
09:49That's right.
09:50Give it up.
09:51Give it up.
09:52Oh, sweet.
09:54She left her number.
09:55Here, Davis.
09:56This is what a girl's phone number looks like.
10:00She left all seven digits.
10:03Dude.
10:04Zach, none of us have ever gone past the dirty 30.
10:07So what was that like?
10:08It was different.
10:09It's like, all access different?
10:13I'm not gonna tell you that.
10:15Almost.
10:16It was dark.
10:17Come on, man.
10:18I'm gonna need more details.
10:19I mean, you banged on my futon.
10:22It was, uh...
10:23It was awesome.
10:24She was confident and specific.
10:26And...
10:27Bossy.
10:28She took my hands and put them places.
10:30Not the places you think.
10:31There's other places, you guys.
10:36That's hot.
10:38Billy Chase.
10:40Well, you know what?
10:41Cheers, bro.
10:42This was the perfect way to celebrate you finally getting up off your ass,
10:45manning up and turning in your application for...
10:48Application for what?
10:50Application for what?
10:52You just said application for...
10:54What?
10:56Just answer me this.
10:57Is he from St. Louis?
11:01I'm starting to get the idea that you guys didn't come here just to hang out with me.
11:04You know what?
11:05Screw it.
11:06I found this note in his room.
11:08What is so hard for him to say to me?
11:12Maybe I should just put a bag over your head, drive you to the middle of the woods and we can talk there.
11:18Look, why don't you guys just hassle Zack over this, okay?
11:20I have to get to work now.
11:21So, uh...
11:23Call me, Australian lady.
11:25It's me, David.
11:30Open up.
11:33Hey.
11:35Is that Billy's thigh thingy?
11:37I guess so.
11:39Can I have that?
11:41What?
11:42Why are you here?
11:43She's on to you, man.
11:44Her and her fancy lady posse were in my apartment sexually harassing me and stealing my bologna.
11:50What? Why?
11:51She knows.
11:52She knows about the application.
11:53I don't know how, but she knows.
11:55Did you start writing here some candy-ass note?
11:58Wait, how did you know about that?
11:59She was in your room, man.
12:00She probably knows you got into food college in Baltimore.
12:03The culinary academy in New York.
12:06Are you really busting my balls about specifics right now?
12:10Crap. You know, I should've just told her this morning and now she's gonna be all pissed and I don't even think I'm going.
12:14But it's your dream.
12:16Butter and whisks and big white hats.
12:20So you can be like Ratatouille.
12:24Hello.
12:25What do you want?
12:26Yeah.
12:27Here to spread your lies with your big lie machine?
12:31Actually, I do enjoy the word jumble.
12:33I think I'd be really good at writing those.
12:35Are they finished?
12:36You mean, am I if-nished?
12:40I'm so sorry.
12:43Where's Billy?
12:44Not here.
12:50What do you want?
12:52Okay, well, you seem like an okay kid.
12:57I think you might have got yourself in a situation here where you're a little bit over your head.
13:01Billy's important to me.
13:02Yeah, she's important to me, too.
13:03Me, too.
13:04I really love her.
13:09If I was in your position, I'd be freaked out and I'm a successful businessman.
13:12Look, you know what?
13:13I'm impressed by your success and your job and your jawline.
13:20But I don't need to take any advice from you.
13:22Do you have any idea how much it costs to raise a kid?
13:25Three hundred and forty-two thousand dollars.
13:29Does that include the shoes?
13:33Look, don't worry about it, okay? I got it under control.
13:36Really?
13:37Because you look a little rattled to me.
13:44Can you believe that guy?
13:46Yeah. He's like a really handsome Darth Vader.
13:56I wonder where Zack is.
13:58He hasn't talked to you yet?
13:59Talk to me about what?
14:01Huh.
14:03This is uncomfortable and I haven't even put the speculum in yet.
14:08What? What could be more uncomfortable than the speculum?
14:11Well, Zack stopped by earlier and told me he was moving out of town.
14:15What?
14:18Well, that explains his behavior this morning.
14:21A half-written note.
14:23The anxiety attack I'm about to have.
14:26Well, take it easy. Just breathe, okay?
14:29Remember, childbirth is a lot more painful.
14:38What do you mean he was leaving town? What did he say?
14:42Hey, Doc.
14:44I'll take a split-piece soup extra crackers.
14:47What?
14:49Oh, Zack, sorry. I thought you were the soup guy.
14:51Uh, I-I came about to give you this.
14:54A car wash coupon?
14:56No, it's-it's on the back.
14:57It's-it's my medical history.
14:59I'm leaving for culinary school.
15:01And Billy told me that she could do this on her own.
15:04And, you know what, that's probably a good idea because her douchey ex-boyfriend got me thinking that I'm in way over my head.
15:09Well, douchey ex-boyfriends are known for their wisdom.
15:13Yeah, uh, right.
15:15So, um, anyway, my medical history, I try to think of everything.
15:18Her uncle has an extra finger.
15:20Calls it a cigar claw.
15:22I'll put it on Billy's chart.
15:24Oh, uh, before you go, uh, let's see.
15:28Ah, here.
15:29It's a picture of your kid.
15:31Thanks.
15:37Sorry.
15:39Where'd you go?
15:42Wow.
15:43I'm sorry.
15:45I don't really know what's going to make me feel better right now, but I'm gonna start by putting on my pants.
15:51Well, if it's any comfort, I'm still here for you.
15:53And I'll make you this promise, I'll be here when that baby's born.
15:57Unless it's during the Kentucky Derby.
16:00Um, if it's during the Kentucky Derby, you get a sub.
16:02Seriously?
16:04It was on the thing you signed.
16:05Well, you know what? I think this is great.
16:06What?
16:07Yeah, I mean, better he leaves now than when the baby's out and can know her daddy abandoned her, and I can't think how this could be better.
16:20This is really sexy, guys.
16:25Come on, sis, I'll make you some tea.
16:27You know what goes good with tea?
16:29A little bucket of frosting.
16:32Maybe an entire ham.
16:35Come on, girls.
16:36Come on, have you ever eaten an entire ham before?
16:38Hey.
16:39Hey.
16:41Hey.
16:42He's back.
16:43Everything's better.
16:47Uh, can I talk to Billy for a sec?
16:48Well, you just remember I'm on the end of the phone.
16:51You said my battery's dead, so you just give me a little leave me.
16:59What a day, huh?
17:01Oh.
17:02It was interesting.
17:04I learned about the pizza box filing system, culinary school, Uncle Cigar Claw.
17:10Oh, yeah, well, if you ever meet him, try not to stare at it.
17:14So, I guess it comes down to this.
17:16Are you staying or going?
17:19Well, I was going, but then I was driving along and I had this epiphany.
17:25I never finished the milkshake from the other day.
17:28And then I saw the picture of the baby and I thought about you.
17:35And there was nothing that could stop me from turning that van around.
17:38Except a parked car.
17:44I left a note.
17:45Actually, three notes.
17:47And three cars.
17:50How come you never mentioned culinary school?
17:53I don't know.
17:54I figured I'd never get accepted.
17:55I mean, it took me a year just to work up the nerve to send in the application.
17:59And then I got a letter saying I got in.
18:01Well, look, I don't want to be the thing that keeps you from doing what you really want to do.
18:05This, this is what I want to do.
18:07It's just really hard for me to say, um, I'm scared that I'm going to disappoint you and the baby.
18:17And did you know it costs $342,000 to raise a kid and that may not include shoes?
18:22You're looking at it from the time it's born until it turns 18 and our kid can go barefoot.
18:29Though not in Davis's apartment.
18:32And I'm scared too.
18:37How about this?
18:38Let's just take it one scary thing at a time.
18:42Okay?
18:43Uh, that is if you're staying.
18:45Yeah, I am.
18:47Good.
18:48Because I think that's better for you than the baby.
18:51Yeah.
18:52And me.
18:55Oh, I guess I should give you this back.
19:00So, bar stool roulette, huh?
19:03Not exactly something I'm going to tell the baby.
19:05Well, you don't know a little story about that.
19:13You cheated!
19:14Of course I did.
19:16See the woman in that picture?
19:17Wouldn't you want to get her pregnant?
19:19That is the sweetest thing.
19:22And I was actually saving this picture so I could show the baby the first night I met its mother.
19:27But take it back. That is the sweetest thing.
19:30Can I tell you something else?
19:32Yeah.
19:33Stay the hell out of my room.
19:36You got it.
19:43When's the Kentucky Derby?
19:46First Saturday in May. What?
19:49No reason.
19:50Oh, man.
19:55One scary problem at a time.
19:58One scary problem at a time.
20:00Hey, I was thinking if that cigar claw thing is hereditary, let's just leave it.
20:05Because if we can get him to hold a cigar when he's a baby, that'll be hilarious, right?
20:12Right?
20:20Zach?
20:22Zach?
20:24Zach?
20:28Oh, good, your hair.
20:30Of course I am.
20:32This is gonna happen every time I brush my teeth.
20:34I'll do the right to see.
20:36How does that look?
20:37Oh, you got it.
20:38I said, that looks good.
20:39You got it.
20:41Go on, I'm so scared.
20:42I'm so scared.
20:44Do you have to go the arbitrarily here, to find your mate in the end?
20:46No, I'm so scared.
20:47Let's go.
20:49I'll do this right now.
20:50You got it.
20:52You got it.
20:54No, I'm so scared.
20:56So, I'm so scared.
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