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Short filmTranscript
00:00Previously on Accidentally on Purpose.
00:03I'm just not a one-night stand kind of person.
00:05I just never do things like this.
00:07Your first pregnancy test.
00:09That's adorable.
00:11Yay!
00:13I think you should stay with me.
00:15I don't want to complicate your life.
00:16Why stop now?
00:18I miss you.
00:19You should miss me.
00:21I'm fantastic.
00:23Remember our whole boundaries conversation?
00:25Yeah, but when you said don't touch my stuff,
00:27I thought you meant like your soy milk in your computer.
00:30No, I meant don't touch my stuff.
00:38Oh, yeah.
00:47Dude, that is genius.
00:49Yeah.
00:51Good morning.
00:53And good morning to you,
00:55and good morning to you.
00:57I see you've noticed my recent pregnancy gift
01:01from the boob fairy.
01:04That's such a better job than being the tooth fairy.
01:08Dates.
01:09Dude, huh?
01:10Hey, it's okay.
01:11I mean, suddenly I'm stacked.
01:12I can put money in there now.
01:15I can even do the lipstick thing from Greece.
01:17Watch.
01:18See?
01:31I did not know the Greeks did that.
01:38That was hot.
01:41Dude, I can't believe you're not trying harder to tap that.
01:43Well, dude, I would, but she's got this whole golden rule thing
01:47about how having sex will complicate the relationship
01:50and blah, blah, blah.
01:51And that was bad enough.
01:53And then this started happening.
01:54Now it's just,
01:55bow, chicka, bow, bow.
01:56Chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka, bow.
01:58Chicka, bow, wow.
01:59It's like having a toy you can't play with.
02:02But, dude, you do have a toy you can play with.
02:04Just take more trips downtown on the alone train.
02:09Have an all-by-yourself party.
02:12Be a one-man band.
02:15I can't be anything without you.
02:24So the pregnancy books tell you all kinds of stuff to expect in the first trimester.
02:29You know, nausea, heartburn, bloaty gas.
02:31Oh, is that a baby grown inside you or a burrito?
02:36What they never mention is that in the second trimester
02:38it all gets replaced by sexy, hot feelings
02:41and one's booty becoming so delicious.
02:45Oh, yes.
02:46You do have a massive amount of junk in your trunk.
02:50My booty is delicious.
02:52My booty is delicious.
02:53Delicious.
02:55Brian, what are you doing here?
02:58A rumor at the D.C. news desk is there's a milkshake
03:00bringing all the boys to the yard.
03:05Wow.
03:05I would just...
03:06Wow, I haven't seen you in a while.
03:07I read your piece on Afghanistan.
03:10I didn't know it got cold there.
03:11I thought in my mind it's just hot, hot, hot all the time.
03:15No, that's you.
03:17Or maybe me.
03:17So, Billy, I'd love to catch up with you sometime.
03:26What are you doing here?
03:26Brian!
03:27James!
03:28Hey, if you're done talking to my girl there,
03:30you want to grab a bite?
03:31Sure, you can tell me all about the decline
03:34of the newspaper business from a Sunday column.
03:36Absolutely.
03:36I love discussing the death of my livelihood
03:39and printing it in my own paper.
03:40Did you see that?
03:44And here I was being flirted with
03:46by a handsome married man
03:48who's kind of my imaginary boyfriend
03:50and James totally booty-blocked me.
03:55You look great.
03:57Is that a new outfit?
03:59Yes.
04:00My proportions are shifting slightly
04:01and they require new fabulousness.
04:04Then can I borrow that black strapless dress
04:07you got in Paris while you're too sexy to wear it?
04:11No.
04:13It's the nicest thing I own.
04:15But you couldn't squeeze those melons in there
04:17without causing considerable unifood.
04:20Why can't you just let me borrow it?
04:22You know why.
04:23But my company is hosting a charity event.
04:24No, you spill things.
04:26You're a spiller.
04:26You've been spilling things
04:27ever since you got Yoo-Hoo on my tutu
04:29in our recital.
04:30I was six.
04:31Oh, my God.
04:32Are you ever going to let that go?
04:33No.
04:34I don't know if it has something to do
04:35with your inner ear or the tide.
04:38You even cause chain spilling.
04:42Oh!
04:43Oh!
04:46But my event...
04:47No!
04:48Fine.
04:49Oh!
04:50What the hell?
04:52I am almost 100% positive
04:54that we just had a tiny earthquake.
04:57Did I tell you?
04:58Brian is in town
04:59and he was flirting with me.
05:01Oh, isn't he your married imaginary boyfriend?
05:03Yes, and it was especially difficult
05:06because my pregnancy hormones have kicked in
05:08and...
05:10I don't know any other way to put this,
05:12but I have happy feelings in my downstairs area.
05:15Soy chai latte and cappuccino.
05:18Access.
05:19And the croissant is on me.
05:24And that keeps happening.
05:27Guys are flirting with me left and right
05:29and they don't know that this and this
05:31is because of this.
05:33Well, why don't you just sleep with Zach?
05:35Or marry him and then sleep with him.
05:37Ah!
05:38I can't sleep with Zach.
05:40It'll complicate our relationship
05:41and blah, blah, blah.
05:43Which is really too bad
05:44because I gotta tell you,
05:45the orgasm that would come from this...
05:48I think would put me in a hospital.
05:50You know how hot Billy has been looking lately?
06:00Oh, yeah.
06:02Okay, well, after she left for work,
06:04I wanted to buy a ticket to ride the alone train.
06:07So I went into her bathroom
06:09and I grabbed a bottle of lotion,
06:10but instead of lotion,
06:13I grabbed Sunless Tanner.
06:14So pretty much the same deal
06:28with your, uh...
06:34And the other place, too, I imagine?
06:38What other place?
06:42There is no other place.
06:43I was just testing you.
06:44I was just testing you.
07:00Popcorn?
07:01Yes, please.
07:14Can you excuse me a minute?
07:21Make a phone call.
07:22Oh, my God. Hot popcorn.
07:26Olivia, I'm thinking of sleeping with Zach.
07:29My brain says it's a bad idea,
07:31but it's being outvoted by every other cell in my body.
07:35Is sleeping with him right now desperate or empowering?
07:38Is he passed out?
07:39No.
07:40Empowering!
07:44So, you know our golden rule,
07:58we won't sleep together no matter what?
07:59We could just forget it.
08:03The rule.
08:05Really?
08:06Yep.
08:07Just for one day, we just have to swear to each other
08:09that we won't get emotionally involved, so I swear.
08:11Oh, my...
08:13I'm not in a...
08:17The golden rule.
08:18It's a good rule.
08:19That is a good rule.
08:20This is purely medical?
08:21This is a medical condition.
08:25Well, maybe put a bag of frozen peas on it
08:27and keep it elevated.
08:30Well, I'm offering you no strings attached,
08:33purely recreational sex,
08:35and your response is frozen produce?
08:38Yes.
08:41I mean, no.
08:44I mean, I'm gonna take a shower.
08:51Dude, she was good to go,
08:53and you refused because of your orange junk?
08:56Yeah.
08:57Yeah.
08:57What if some of the orange, you know,
08:59got on the baby?
09:00Who cares if some of it gets on your baby?
09:05I mean, worst-case scenario,
09:06you get laid,
09:07and your baby's born looking like an Oompa Loompa.
09:11Uh, I checked all our products.
09:13Sorry, we don't have anything
09:15to your moose unless Tanner.
09:17Supposedly, soaking your skin in coconut milk
09:19reduces pigmentation.
09:20You could try that
09:21on your palm.
09:25Boom.
09:25Problem solved.
09:26Now your junk will be normal color
09:27and smell like vacation.
09:31I took your advice
09:32and tried to seduce Zach,
09:34and he turned me down.
09:35What?
09:36Oh, impossible.
09:36No, it was so uncomfortable,
09:38I felt like a total idiot.
09:40I would just like to bring up
09:42a procedural point.
09:44You didn't call me
09:45before you tried to seduce him
09:46because you know
09:47that I think you should have
09:49a real relationship with him.
09:50But you didn't want to hear that,
09:52so you called the bad idea lady.
09:53I'm your sister.
09:57I would have given you
09:57good advice,
09:59and you would have been
09:59so grateful,
10:01you would have given me
10:01that dress.
10:04Abby, we have bigger problems
10:06than dresses right now.
10:07I don't.
10:08I just have the dress problem.
10:10Enough with the dress.
10:12She needs to find the man.
10:14Like, we need to
10:14widen the search.
10:15Oh, wait.
10:16The oracle speaks.
10:18Who should Billy sleep with?
10:20Who?
10:21That guy.
10:23A street mime.
10:23Animal from the Muppets.
10:25Who, oracle?
10:26Who?
10:28Neither of you
10:29understands what's
10:30happening here, okay?
10:30I did one foolish thing,
10:32I get pregnant,
10:33and now my punishment
10:34is that I can't have sex
10:35until the baby's born.
10:36Well, a newborn
10:37is an awful lot of work.
10:38Fine.
10:39Two years old.
10:40Well, at two,
10:40they're potty trading,
10:41running around everywhere,
10:42biting on furniture.
10:43Five, five.
10:44In five years,
10:45I can have sex.
10:46Five years?
10:47Now, that's crazier
10:48than sleeping with a Muppet.
10:50Wow, five years.
10:55I can do it.
10:56I kept up that gym membership
10:58for five years.
10:59I was a vegetarian
10:59for five years.
11:01I didn't go to a zoo
11:02for five years.
11:02Well, that's not much
11:03of an accomplishment.
11:05But this is reality,
11:06so, you know,
11:07I'm just gonna have to be
11:09celibate for five years.
11:11And in five years,
11:12I'll be 42.
11:1442.
11:16So there's that.
11:17I'll be a 42-year-old
11:23who hasn't had sex
11:23in five years,
11:24who has a child
11:25whose father is still
11:27in his 20s
11:27and has his whole life
11:28ahead of him.
11:29But even then,
11:30even then,
11:30with all my mistakes
11:31piled around me,
11:32like the empty pizza boxes
11:33from last night's
11:33depression feast,
11:34even then,
11:35I will not give you
11:35that dress.
11:40But you'll think
11:40about it, right?
11:41Right?
11:41Right.
11:41Right.
11:41Right.
11:41Right.
11:42Right.
11:42Right.
11:42Right.
11:42Right.
11:43Right.
11:43Right.
11:43Right.
11:44Right.
11:44Right.
11:44Right.
11:45Right.
11:45Right.
11:45Right.
11:46A milkshake?
11:48Mm-hmm.
11:50Yeah.
11:50Yeah, my milkshake
11:52was in the freezer
11:53for five years.
11:55You okay?
11:56Brian!
11:58Balls!
11:58I don't believe
11:59how she gets prettier
12:00every day.
12:02She certainly does.
12:07Do you have
12:08some sort of
12:08bugging device?
12:10What are you talking about?
12:11You wait
12:12until Brian starts
12:13talking to me
12:13and then you pop up
12:14like a zit
12:15on prom night.
12:17All right,
12:17I'm sorry.
12:19Look,
12:19after you and I
12:20broke up
12:20when I first found out
12:22that you were pregnant
12:22I was kind of
12:23looking forward to,
12:24well,
12:25there's no polite way
12:25to put this,
12:26but you becoming fat
12:27and unpleasant.
12:29But what's happening
12:31is you're glowing
12:32and you're beautiful
12:34and you're still,
12:36well,
12:38Billy.
12:41That's sweet.
12:42It is,
12:44isn't it?
12:47Oh,
12:48I gotta wrap this up.
12:48I got a date.
12:49We good?
12:51I'll stop touching you.
12:54Join the club.
12:55What?
12:56Have a fun date.
13:00Hey, buddy.
13:01Everything flesh-colored yet?
13:05Yeah,
13:05I think the coconut milk's working.
13:09Aren't they gonna notice
13:10that they're missing
13:1060 gallons of coconut milk
13:12at your restaurant?
13:15Oh,
13:16I'm bringing it back.
13:24So,
13:24uh,
13:25you gonna go for it
13:26with Billy?
13:26Would I be ass-deep
13:28in coconut milk
13:28if I wasn't?
13:31Aren't you supposed
13:32to be at work?
13:32That's the great thing
13:33about being a clerk
13:34at Trader Joe's.
13:35I'm helping my boss
13:36pick out new beers
13:37to sell.
13:40Working from home today.
13:46Coffee?
13:47Oh.
13:49Oh,
13:49no thanks.
13:51I've already had
13:51my cup for the day.
13:53Wow,
13:53you are strict.
13:55No,
13:55I'm pregnant.
13:57Oh,
13:58James didn't tell me
13:59you guys are pregnant.
14:00It's not his.
14:01Does he know that?
14:05No,
14:06we broke up
14:06and then I was all
14:07boo-hoo,
14:08drink,
14:09drink,
14:09you look cute,
14:10pee on a stick,
14:10blue plus sign,
14:11ta-da!
14:13It's been a very full year.
14:15Well,
14:15who's the dad?
14:16Ah,
14:17you know,
14:17he's a great guy,
14:19a great,
14:19much younger guy.
14:21He's in my life,
14:21but we're not together.
14:23Oh,
14:23got that explanation down.
14:24Well,
14:26it sounds like
14:27we've got a lot
14:27to catch up on.
14:28Would you like
14:29to meet me later
14:29for dinner
14:30at my hotel?
14:32That sounds like
14:32something I'm not
14:33supposed to do
14:33with a married man.
14:35I'm divorced.
14:36That's fantastic.
14:44I mean,
14:44that must have been
14:45really difficult.
14:48Well,
14:48it wasn't great,
14:49but I'd get over it
14:50a lot quicker
14:50if you'd meet me
14:51for that dinner.
14:53Really?
14:54Yeah.
14:54How's 8.30 sound?
14:56Sounds good.
14:57See you then.
14:58For some,
14:59you look good.
15:00So do you.
15:00The steak is fantastic.
15:02I wonder if he's
15:02going to kiss me.
15:07Well,
15:08that answer's that.
15:11I have to admit,
15:13I've imagined us
15:15on a date for a while.
15:17Would you like
15:18some dessert?
15:19Always.
15:21You know who makes
15:22an amazing chocolate
15:23tort?
15:24Hmm.
15:25Room service.
15:29Hmm.
15:30Hmm.
15:34I just need to
15:35powder a number
15:37of items.
15:41Abby?
15:42Yes?
15:43The fact that you're
15:43Rome,
15:44I just had dinner
15:45with Brian,
15:46and I think there's
15:47a possibility
15:48that he wants
15:48to sleep with me.
15:49He knows I'm pregnant.
15:51He's fine with it,
15:52but...
15:53I'm not sure
15:57it's a good idea.
15:59Oh, my God,
15:59you're calling me.
16:01Well, yeah.
16:02I mean,
16:02you're the good idea
16:03lady, right?
16:05Didn't you want me to?
16:06Yes,
16:07but I did not think
16:08that you would.
16:09Well,
16:10what do you think?
16:10I think, um...
16:14that you should do
16:15whatever makes you
16:16happy.
16:18I think that you
16:19are strong enough
16:20to know what to do
16:21on your own.
16:22You know in your
16:23heart what's right,
16:24and even if you
16:25screw up occasionally,
16:26you are a good
16:28person.
16:33You're a good
16:33sister.
16:34I know.
16:36You're a good
16:44couture.
16:45There is no
16:45substitute.
16:48Hey, Billy,
16:49I'm home.
16:57Abby?
16:58She said it was
16:59okay.
17:02She said...
17:02She said what was
17:03okay?
17:04Nothing.
17:05Okay, do you
17:05know where she
17:05went?
17:06Oh, she's gone
17:07to, uh...
17:09Oh, she's gone
17:09to get laid.
17:14With...
17:15With who?
17:16Oh, some reporter.
17:17I'm sure he's
17:17fancy.
17:19Oh, my God.
17:20I'm such a tool.
17:21I blew it.
17:24Oh, my God.
17:26You like her.
17:29This is so romantic.
17:30She's at the
17:31Hotel Jerome.
17:32You must go to
17:32her.
17:35Just go to her
17:38and...
17:38Yes, you can.
17:39You should go.
17:41She's not even sure
17:41she wants to go
17:42through with it.
17:42Go, Zach.
17:43And forget you
17:44ever saw me.
17:46And the dress
17:47or the jewelry.
17:48Oh, oh,
17:49and this bag.
17:51Go!
17:57Zach?
17:58What are you doing
17:59here?
18:00To be honest,
18:02I...
18:03Oh, my.
18:04I ran all the way.
18:06I haven't run
18:06in a while.
18:08And the hotel's
18:08on top of a hill.
18:10Who told you
18:11I was here?
18:12Abby, look,
18:13I don't care
18:14if you slept
18:15with them.
18:17That's actually
18:18not true.
18:18I do care.
18:19Zach.
18:19Let me finish, okay?
18:20Okay?
18:22I really need
18:23you to know
18:24that I really
18:25wanted to sleep
18:26with you.
18:27Zach.
18:27And I...
18:28And hold on.
18:28I hate...
18:30I hate the golden rule.
18:31I don't care
18:31about the golden rule.
18:33The reason
18:33I didn't sleep
18:34with you is...
18:35Is because
18:38I had an orange penis.
18:42Wow.
18:43I was imagining
18:44how you were gonna
18:45finish what you were saying,
18:46but orange penis
18:47is not where I was going.
18:49Anyway,
18:50I just had to be
18:51honest with you
18:52about the situation
18:52with my junk,
18:53so I'm good to go.
18:54You don't need
18:55to sleep with anybody else.
18:56Unless I'm too late,
18:57in which case
18:58you look very nice
18:59in that outfit.
19:02Um...
19:03I didn't sleep
19:04with Brian.
19:06Oh.
19:09Okay.
19:11Well, good night, then.
19:12Wait, wait, wait, wait.
19:15The truth is,
19:16um,
19:17I like Brian
19:17and I didn't
19:18want my hormones
19:20making decisions
19:21for me with him
19:22or with you.
19:23the other night,
19:24which I'm really
19:25sorry about.
19:26Do you smell coconut?
19:29I do.
19:30Isn't that weird?
19:32Um,
19:34I shouldn't have
19:36come on to you
19:37like that,
19:37and
19:38it's just
19:40I'm really trying
19:41to get a handle
19:42on this thing
19:42between us,
19:43which is really hard
19:45because you're
19:45so nice
19:46and so cute,
19:47and you really
19:50smell like coconut.
19:51Am I crazy?
19:56I just want us
19:57to go back
19:58to how we were.
20:00Is that cool
20:02with you?
20:05Yeah,
20:06that's,
20:06that's cool.
20:08We can just
20:09totally go back
20:10to the way we were.
20:12But I'd like
20:13to assure you
20:14that
20:14if you ever
20:16get crazy pregnant
20:17horny again,
20:18I am so there
20:18for you.
20:19It's a deal.
20:20Okay.
20:22But your palm
20:22is orange, too.
20:24Oh,
20:24you were,
20:25oh.
20:27Ha, ha!
20:34I need to tell
20:35you something.
20:36No.
20:37I need to tell
20:38you something.
20:39Your advice
20:40was such good advice
20:42that you can
20:43borrow my dress.
20:44That is so sweet.
20:48But what I need
20:48to tell you
20:49is that I already
20:50did,
20:51so thank you.
20:52The good news
20:55is that I did
20:55not spill
20:56anything on it
20:57until
20:58But I'm okay
21:07and that is
21:08the most important
21:09thing.
21:10I love you.
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