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00:00Oh, my God, I'm not at all symmetrical.
00:03Do you know, Victoria, it's funny you should say that,
00:05but I discovered today that my head's not on properly.
00:11So have sympathy with me.
00:30Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:55I'm Victoria Corrin-Mitchell in the news this week.
00:57After a bruising summer, a reinvigorated Keir Starmer
01:00emerges from number 10, determined to project a new air of stability.
01:08In Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un finds a way round his dietician's strict orders
01:13that no more alcohol should pass his lips.
01:15Oh!
01:16And on a visit to a hospital in Harrow, a member of staff asks Rachel Reeves,
01:33where's that toss-a-whiz street-ing?
01:41On Ian's team tonight is an actress who in 2016 appeared in an episode
01:45of Casualty and will be appearing again this year
01:48when her follow-up appointment finally comes through.
01:50Please welcome Dame Sheila Hancock.
01:58On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor whose twins were born
02:02during the London 2012 Olympics.
02:05Now, that's what I call an opening ceremony.
02:07Please welcome Miles Jupp.
02:08We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:16Paul and Miles, here's yours.
02:20Keir Starmer, hopefully that's his wife.
02:21Otherwise, it's a bit brazen, isn't it?
02:23Oh, hello, that's not his wife.
02:25Oh, yes.
02:26That's Andy Burnham.
02:27Well, he won't, he won't.
02:28So, that's the Labour Party conference.
02:30Next question.
02:33What were they up to?
02:34What was the spirit of the conference?
02:36What would you say was the spirit of the conference, Miles?
02:37Oh, one of celebration.
02:39Yeah.
02:41One of certainty.
02:42Yeah.
02:43Really just about supporting the British flag industry.
02:46Yeah.
02:48Wherever it's manufactured.
02:51I think they wanted to give it a sort of
02:52last night of the Labour Party feel.
02:57Oh, dear.
02:58You are horrible.
03:01You're right.
03:02I thought it was quite good.
03:04I thought the conference was quite good.
03:06What were your favourite bits?
03:07Well, his speech, I thought he did well.
03:10He's not an orator, bless his heart.
03:12Must be a real problem for him.
03:15But he did well, didn't he?
03:17To be honest.
03:17High praise, indeed.
03:18Not everyone was on board with this patriotic flag waving.
03:21One person on social media said of Starmer,
03:24Oswald Muesli strikes again.
03:26Oh, my God!
03:27I was bored.
03:28I think Starmer was enjoying himself, though.
03:30I mean, look, here he is on the TikToks.
03:31Another busy day at conference, lots of energy, lots of vibe.
03:35Oh, bless.
03:40Oh, bless.
03:42Dear Oathe.
03:46He's hopeless.
03:47He's got to get it together.
03:51You know how you said you thought it was really good?
03:53No, I just want it to be good.
03:55I'm desperate for it to be good.
03:57I did hear a number of people saying that his speech wasn't bad.
04:00Well, that's all right.
04:04I mean, one of the stories of the conference was Andy Burnham saying,
04:08I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
04:12I mean, you know, I'm...
04:13I wouldn't dream of it, but they're all asking.
04:16And then everyone throws their hands up.
04:19And then he says,
04:20Leader!
04:21Oh, no, I don't...
04:22So you've got a whole week of that.
04:24In the end of it, everyone says,
04:26Jan, why do people say Labour are in a bit of a mess?
04:29He seems to have backed off completely now.
04:31Do you think that's because he thought he wouldn't win?
04:33Probably.
04:35Probably as well.
04:36I'm so much nastier than you.
04:37You are.
04:39Oh, no, that's not fair, Ian.
04:40You're nastier than most people.
04:44One unnamed Labour MP told The Telegraph,
04:47it's only Keir Starmer's force of personality
04:50that's keeping this government together.
04:51What was the slogan,
04:55the Labour Party's slogan for the conference?
04:57Help.
04:59Was it that Britain is at a fork in the road?
05:01Yeah.
05:01Snappier than that.
05:02Fork.
05:04We're all forked.
05:05We're all forked.
05:06We haven't got a forking idea.
05:10Renew Britain.
05:11That's it.
05:12Yeah.
05:13It wasn't their first choice,
05:14but Reform UK was already taken.
05:16Yeah.
05:16What was missing from his conference speech?
05:21A trapeze axe.
05:23That was the Lib Dem conference.
05:24Oh, yeah.
05:26There wasn't a great deal of policy.
05:29There was a line of policy,
05:30but he was advised to take it out,
05:32which was something on the economy
05:34that promised growth you can feel in your pocket.
05:37You've made that up.
05:44Oh, yeah.
05:45No, no, no, no.
05:46Really?
05:46If one of his aides said,
05:48oh, can you stop saying growth you can feel in your pocket?
05:50Oh, no.
05:51I promise you that's real.
05:54He'd take your mind off the economy, though, wouldn't he?
05:58He had something on virtual hospitals.
06:00What do you think that, Miles?
06:00Is that a good idea, virtual hospitals?
06:02I'd be terrified by the idea of a virtual...
06:04I think, anyway, I had brain surgery four years ago.
06:07Did they find anything?
06:10They had their best people on it.
06:11No, no, nothing.
06:12The idea, I would, yeah, virtual hospital,
06:14I would have had to do the thing myself at home.
06:17You know, you'll need the following tools
06:20assembled in front of you before you start.
06:22Well, he did mention one idea,
06:24which was the digital ID cards.
06:27Yes.
06:27That's come back.
06:28Before he announced the plan,
06:30digital IDs enjoyed 35% support
06:33amongst voters.
06:34Mm-hmm.
06:35And what happened after he announced...
06:36It dropped down to 17%.
06:38Minus 14%.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Why does everybody get their knickers in a twist
06:44about identity cards?
06:46I mean, during the war,
06:47I can give you my identity number now.
06:49It's CJFQ 29 stroke 4.
06:52We all had to learn it.
06:54But there was a war on, wasn't there?
06:55I know, I know, but there's a war on now, mate.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:59I'm sorry, I'm not being very funny,
07:08but it's difficult to be funny, isn't it?
07:10Well, it's so...
07:11Don't look at me.
07:13I'm doing my best.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15Who's set to benefit from the introduction of ID cards?
07:19ID card manufacturers.
07:21Yes.
07:21Yes.
07:22And one particular one, do you know who that is?
07:24Is it the Tesco club card people?
07:25Yes.
07:27They actually make a real difference.
07:29You get astonishing discounts.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:31I was thinking of the company Multiverse,
07:35who's been chosen to run the digital ID cards scheme.
07:39And whose company is that?
07:41Is that the man who's got links to the Loeb Party?
07:44It's Ewan Blair.
07:45It's a happy coincidence, isn't it?
07:47It is.
07:48For balance, do we think of any Tories where it was in the news this week
07:55that business went in their direction by having a coincidence?
07:59Michelle Moan, Baroness, Dame, what's her?
08:01Lady Moan, yes.
08:02Lady Moan.
08:03Lady Moan.
08:04Is she...
08:04LAUGHTER
08:05I've seen that film.
08:06Have you seen it?
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08Now, well, actually, this is quite a sweet story,
08:11because she...
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14In what way is it sweet?
08:16It's about people...
08:17It's about mobility, really,
08:19because she went just from being in the House of Lords
08:22to being able to secure a £122 million PPE contract,
08:27which is incredible, really.
08:28It's an incredible journey for anyone to go on.
08:29LAUGHTER
08:30And the other thing about it is
08:32they had no experience whatsoever
08:34of manufacturing or selling PPE,
08:36so in a way it's an underdog story.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40It's like Steeples, Singly, Wonder Woman
08:42is winning the FA Cup.
08:43It really is.
08:44It really is.
08:44It's sort of Billy Elliot of our time.
08:49And, again, you know, the villains here are the press
08:52who revealed that she'd asked Michael Gove,
08:55who was then in the Cabinet,
08:56whether she could join the VIP Fastlane
08:59and recommend this company, PPE Med Pro,
09:03to get the contract,
09:05and then was asked by horrid journalists,
09:07saying, you know,
09:08is this company run by your husband?
09:10And, no, she absolutely, you know, denied it.
09:13And then it turned out to be a lie
09:14and all the profits had been put offshore
09:17from a Tory baroness,
09:19which she then lied about.
09:20And now she's absolutely furious at being caught.
09:24So, if they're not going to vote Conservative
09:26and the Labour Party's falling apart,
09:28what's the danger?
09:29I think that the other left-wing parties,
09:31I like both of them,
09:32the Lib Dems and certainly the Greens.
09:34I love this new guy that's gone into the Greens,
09:37despite all the stories about tits
09:39and things that they've had.
09:43Again...
09:44What newspapers are you reading?
09:47They dug up a thing that he was a hypnotherapist
09:50and he made women think that their breasts
09:52will grow quicker under a trance or something.
09:55I mean, it's rubbish.
09:56He did, no doubt, Sheila,
09:57he did tell the son that he could use hypnosis
10:00to make women's breasts bigger.
10:01I think he called it growth.
10:05And not just in his pocket.
10:08To be fair to the guy,
10:09when I met him,
10:09I was a 32B.
10:11So...
10:11LAUGHTER
10:12Never assumed.
10:15But...
10:15Surely Keir Starmer seems to think
10:20the danger is reform, though.
10:22All of the party conferences
10:24were obsessed by reform.
10:26I mean, someone did a count
10:26of how many times reform was mentioned
10:28and the Conservative Party
10:30wasn't mentioned at all.
10:32No.
10:33In most of the conferences,
10:34including the upcoming Tory party conference.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Do people talk about them too much?
10:39I mean, shall we have a look
10:40at Ed Davies' conference speech?
10:42Yes.
10:42Oh, bless him.
10:43Let's see.
10:44Nigel Farage.
10:45Nigel Farage.
10:46Farage has changed.
10:48Farage is Britain.
10:50Farage is...
10:51Farage is Britain.
10:53Nigel Farage.
10:55Farage.
10:55Farage.
10:56Farage.
10:56Farage.
10:57Farage.
10:58Farage is Britain.
10:59Farage is Britain.
11:00Not Farage is Britain.
11:02Not Farage is Britain.
11:04Not Farage is Britain.
11:06Thank you.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08Was that the speech
11:11or has it been edited?
11:12Yeah.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:13It's almost...
11:15It's all one sentence.
11:17Yeah.
11:17Do you think...
11:18Ian, I mean, presumably
11:19over the course of this series
11:20people will say,
11:21probably they're already saying
11:22the show is now mentioning Nigel Farage.
11:25And the press is...
11:25Yeah.
11:26And that is the dilemma.
11:27Do you address what he's saying?
11:29Because it seems to be either wrong
11:31or in need of correction
11:32or dangerous
11:33or incitement
11:34or hypocritical
11:34or whatever.
11:35I mean, people mispronouncing his name.
11:37It's far right.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40It's a minor thing there.
11:43APPLAUSE
11:43I like stories about Farage.
11:48I like the story where someone said,
11:50have you set up a company
11:51to put all your earnings in?
11:53And he said,
11:54yes, I have.
11:55Companies actually employ people.
11:57They create employment.
11:58Do you think that's bad?
11:59Anyway, we went and had a look at his company.
12:01You know how many people it employs?
12:03One.
12:05Mr N Farage.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07It's like when he bought a house.
12:09Farage made a huge fuss
12:11about Angela Rayner
12:12and the details of her property deal
12:14and then it turns out
12:15that his own property deal
12:17was controversial and questionable.
12:19Anyway, I'll just mention a few things.
12:22LAUGHTER
12:22APPLAUSE
12:23Did you see any of the reform conference?
12:29I did.
12:29Oh, did you?
12:30You did, yeah.
12:30What happened?
12:31Did you go?
12:32Yeah.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34Yeah, he was a mystery object.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:37Would you like to see a highlight
12:39of that conference?
12:40Is it the singing?
12:42Yes.
12:42Oh, good.
12:43Yeah, let's have that.
12:44I'm an insomniac
12:46I'm an insomniac
12:49Staring at the ceiling
12:51Away from the switcher
12:54Yes, I'm an insomniac
12:57I'm an insomniac
12:59And no higher to fear
13:01Is the sound of that
13:03Lord
13:04The sound of that
13:06Lord
13:08I'm an insomniac
13:09I'm an insomniac
13:10I'm an insomniac
13:10What the hell is this?
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13That's Andrea Jenkins, former Tory MP.
13:17Apparently, she did an interview just recently saying she did it on the spur of the moment.
13:21Nobody knew she was going to do it.
13:24Can you imagine?
13:24Farage is going, oh, my God.
13:28When she was a Tory, she was sitting where you were on this programme.
13:31Oh, no, really?
13:32I was on that thing.
13:32You said, I don't think we'll see her again.
13:34Mmm.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:35Now look what you've done, Ian.
13:38Now she's on Britain Hasn't Got Talent.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41And it's her song.
13:43It is.
13:44She's written it.
13:45She wrote it.
13:46In the middle of the night, presumably, thinking about it.
13:48LAUGHTER
13:49APPLAUSE
13:51What other starry name was at the conference?
13:56It should come back to me.
13:58Everyone's favourite former daytime host, Jeremy Kyle, was there doing stuff for the reform...
14:05You've grown now.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:07I would keep your powder dry.
14:08Yeah.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Jeremy Kyle was there working for the sort of live stream, you know, reform TV.
14:15Yeah.
14:16But he seemed a little bit distracted.
14:18Let's have a look.
14:19You can look around here.
14:20Burgers, dogs.
14:21We must go and get a burger in a minute.
14:23I haven't had any breakfast.
14:25I haven't had any lunch.
14:26Er, come and sit here.
14:27I'm knackered.
14:28I haven't had any breakfast.
14:29Come and sit down.
14:30It's very well organised.
14:31They're all having lunch and I'm doing this.
14:32Is anybody in the hall watching this?
14:34They're all having lunch?
14:35I don't.
14:36What was the thought behind that?
14:37Look at the media.
14:38They're just having chips.
14:40Boys, come on.
14:41I haven't eaten yet.
14:42I've had no lunch at all.
14:43None at all.
14:44I've been on the bus.
14:45I've been everywhere.
14:46Dean Norris, which is one of them that's come over today, which could really help us.
14:49How did she...
14:50put us in here trying to get something to eat?
14:51Unsuccessfully.
14:52APPLAUSE
14:53Do you think a party that can't organise breakfast for one person should run the country?
15:04Well, yes.
15:05Breakfast means breakfast.
15:07I think we've made some quite valid points about how hard it is to work properly.
15:13I bet you've got some Haribo.
15:15How hard it is...
15:16How hard it is to focus on your job if you're hungry.
15:19Yeah, yeah.
15:20It's impossible.
15:21Starmix.
15:22Terrific.
15:23APPLAUSE
15:26This week, Keir Starmer addressed the Labour conference.
15:33Before Keir Starmer's speech in Liverpool, delegates were given
15:36in stress balls.
15:37Mm-hm.
15:38Isn't he married to a vet?
15:39Mm-hm.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41Also this week, the High Court ruled Baroness Mohn must pay back £122 million
15:46in PPE contracts.
15:47Mohn complained about the verdict on Instagram, saying she'd endured five years
15:51of pure torture.
15:52She should go uppercut size.
15:54LAUGHTER
15:57The Times revealed Baroness Mohn has recently taken her luxury yacht to the
16:04south of France, the Caribbean and the Maldives.
16:07Two of those to escape the stress and one to visit her money.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12Ian and Sheila, here's yours.
16:15That's Trump and Putin.
16:17Yeah, that's an autocrat with...
16:19Oh, there's another autocrat.
16:21He's checking his flight.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:24I think this is about Trump.
16:26He's been meeting lots of people.
16:28What does he think he's capable of doing?
16:30Everything.
16:31Ending wars.
16:32Ending wars, yeah.
16:33He's ended seven of them, including ones that didn't exist.
16:35Yeah.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:37Yeah, shall we have a look at that claim?
16:39Yeah.
16:40In a period of just seven months, I have ended seven unendable wars.
16:45They said they were unendable.
16:47Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize for each one of these achievements.
16:52What wars is he talking about?
16:54War of the Roses.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:56He couldn't remember half of them.
16:58And then he made up other ones.
16:59There was one about...
17:00I think he was trying to say Azerbaijan or...
17:03Armenia and Azerbaijan.
17:04Armenia.
17:05Here he is boasting about that.
17:06To think that we settled...
17:08Er...
17:10Aber...
17:11Bajan...
17:12And Albania, as an example.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15But there are serious political commentators in America now on television
17:27that are saying he's shown flashes of insanity quite often.
17:30Should he win the Nobel Peace Prize?
17:31I don't think he'll see the year out.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:35And of course, Donald Trump is now going to bring peace to the Middle East.
17:38He says he can achieve that.
17:40What's his big idea?
17:41A few weeks ago, the plan was to ship all the Palestinians out
17:45and turn the place into a strip joint.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48But now he's decided there's going to be peace there
17:51and all this has been agreed and he stood there with Netanyahu nodding
17:54and then Netanyahu goes off to a press conference and says,
17:57yeah, we're not going to withdraw.
17:58And Trump goes on and says, I've solved it.
18:00And he literally said, I'm going to bring eternal peace.
18:03LAUGHTER
18:05I mean, he does think he's gone now.
18:07I mean, obviously, all this is incredibly bleak
18:09and it's been a particularly horrible week.
18:11So, having solved all these wars, he now says, right,
18:13Gaza is going to be run by the Board of Peace.
18:16Yes. The Board of Peace.
18:17Yeah.
18:18And who, with a magnificent record of bringing peace to the Middle East...
18:21Tony Blair!
18:22Yes.
18:23Is that a good idea?
18:24Well, he did help bring peace to Ireland.
18:26So, he was involved with that.
18:28Yeah.
18:29But other than that, no.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:32Do you not think they'll run it really well?
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36I just hope they keep running away from the button
18:38or whatever it is you press.
18:39If he's got a button, I don't think it's connected to anything.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:44He's completely losing it.
18:46He assembled all the generals the other day
18:48just to tell them how he's good at walking upstairs.
18:50Yeah.
18:51He said, you guys ever walked upstairs?
18:53Yeah.
18:54It's a whole audience full of adult men.
18:56Yeah.
18:57Yeah, yeah, we've walked upstairs.
18:59Oh, no, to be fair, the Americans have always fought walking
19:01on complete flat surfaces.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05Not going up there, we're like Daleks, we're not going up there.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Did you see this?
19:10Pete Hesketh, who's his Defence Secretary...
19:11Yes.
19:12..they got all the admirals and generals in at very short notice
19:15and he said, we've had enough of people with beards.
19:17Beardos!
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19They're all beardos.
19:20And you're thinking, well, J.D. Vance has got a beard.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24And then he said, we're not having anyone fat.
19:26Trump, Commander in Chief!
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29Oh, the man, he's just...
19:30Can we talk about something else?
19:32It's...
19:33Are we done, Trump?
19:34Yes, done.
19:35Done.
19:36In that case...
19:37APPLAUSE
19:38And lastly, something else.
19:39What major event of cultural significance is about to take place
19:42in the Middle East?
19:43Oh, is Jeremy Kyle going to have lunch?
19:45Yes.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47Yes.
19:48APPLAUSE
19:49I think, yeah, for that little bit of hummus,
19:52sort him right out.
19:53Just taking the edge off, isn't it, really?
19:55Oh, this is a Saudi Arabian comedy festival featuring a bunch
19:58of comics who desperately need the money.
20:00Jimmy Carr is one of them.
20:02Getting paid huge amounts of money to go to a place where
20:04human rights don't exist.
20:05Who's the audience?
20:06Who are they playing to?
20:07Rich Saudi Arabians are...
20:09I mean, it's not difficult flogging seats, let alone flogging the audience.
20:13I can't imagine Jimmy Carr going down that wall.
20:16Bad taste.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:18I don't think Jimmy's opening with that one.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:21He might be closing with it.
20:22Yeah.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24I tell you what, you'll laugh your head off.
20:26LAUGHTER
20:28You going to play that festival, Miles?
20:30Yeah, probably.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:33Who's looking?
20:34Sorry.
20:35Just give me one email or contact, I'll follow it up for you.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40This is Donald Trump's continued attempt to win a Nobel Peace Prize.
20:45As he announced his peace plan, Trump claimed it was one of the
20:48greatest days ever in civilisation.
20:50Right up there with the day he found two yolks in his boiled egg.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:54Trump's board of peace to end all conflict in the Middle East will include
20:58Tony Blair, though his colleagues famine, pestilence and death are yet to sign up.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03Time now for the odd one out round, just one between you this week.
21:09They are American Ryder Cup fans, the Bishop of Fulham, Jeremy Clarkson
21:15and a Bavarian slug.
21:17Yeah.
21:18I know the story about the Bishop of Fulham.
21:20Yes.
21:21Yeah.
21:22There was a choir in a church above where he lives as bishop and he went down at the
21:28end of their concert in a dressing gown and told them to shut up.
21:32LAUGHTER
21:33And he said, this is my house, get out.
21:35Um, cos he didn't like the noise.
21:38Do you think it's all objecting, apart from the fish?
21:41You're trying to win this quiz, this is fabulous.
21:44We've never had this before.
21:46Well, they're all objecting.
21:47He was objecting to what?
21:49Country people having to pay inheritance tax.
21:52Yes.
21:53These people were shouting at the golfers for some reason.
21:56Yeah.
21:57So they were probably objecting.
21:58And the fish is nice, it doesn't object to anything.
22:00It's a slug.
22:01It's a slug.
22:02It's a slug.
22:03But it's so nice it doesn't mind being called a fish.
22:05Yeah.
22:06I like that one.
22:07Call me what you like.
22:08Call me what you like.
22:09It's a good answer, but it's not what's on the card.
22:12Oh.
22:13Is it noise?
22:15Yeah, the golfers made a noise, didn't they?
22:17Yeah, the American fans were very, very rowdy.
22:19And the slug was arrested by the Metropolitan Police.
22:24Well, you're joking, but the slug was arrested by police.
22:28Oh!
22:29You're kidding.
22:30The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out cos he was the only one not
22:33arrested by the police.
22:34The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out, but it is because of noise.
22:37Ah.
22:38He complained about the noise and all the others caused noise.
22:42Ah.
22:43The Bavarian slug?
22:44There was an apartment block in Bavaria.
22:46Yes.
22:47And the residents got very worried because somebody kept ringing the
22:50doorbell.
22:51Yeah.
22:52But no-one was at the door.
22:53Oh, right.
22:54So, obviously, they suspected a klingelstreich.
22:55What's that?
22:56Ginger.
22:57Oh, yeah, OK.
22:58Someone rings at the doorbell and runs away.
22:59Yeah.
23:00So, and they called the police.
23:01Yeah.
23:02The police discovered a slime trail, but Michael Gove had an alibi, so...
23:05Yeah.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:12They realised that it was a slug sliding across the sensors.
23:17Here it is.
23:18How does the fish get up there?
23:21LAUGHTER
23:24And what noise has Clarkson been making?
23:26Er, is it his pub?
23:27Residents have complained about loud music late into the night.
23:30Oh, right.
23:31I'm not sure that's the nicest picture of Jeremy Clarkson.
23:34We've got a nice one, actually.
23:35We've got one of him smiling.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Is that really him?
23:40Yes.
23:41He's wearing a wig, isn't he?
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44On the subject of pubs, what's special about this pub?
23:47It's the first ever...
23:49Greg's pub.
23:50Oh.
23:51Yeah, Lee.
23:52Does it only sell pies?
23:54Greg's the baker branched out into pubs.
23:56Yeah.
23:57Yeah, it's called the Golden Flake Tavern.
23:59Wow.
24:00Where is it?
24:01I don't know where it is.
24:02You see, they're going to...
24:03Leeds, probably.
24:04No, it's in Newcastle.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06The sort of thing you'd find in Leeds.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10The sort of thing made like pies.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14It's in Newcastle.
24:16Newcastle?
24:17It's in Newcastle, yes.
24:18I think it sounds wonderful.
24:19They're going to have Sunday roasts with steak and chicken bakes.
24:22Mm-hm.
24:23And Greg's-inspired cocktails.
24:24Yeah.
24:25What?
24:26I think it's a Negroli.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:28Very good.
24:29Very good.
24:30Audience of one.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33Very good.
24:34And, yes, the American Ryder Cup fans, they chanted USA, USA, USA.
24:38Yes.
24:39Yes.
24:40And mashed potatoes.
24:41LAUGHTER
24:42How do you handle hecklers, Miles?
24:44Well, if people shout mashed potatoes, I immediately...
24:46Well, I get peeling.
24:47LAUGHTER
24:48You are very different from the English golfer Ian Poulter.
24:54He said that golfers should get one taser per hole.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:59How many's he got?
25:00LAUGHTER
25:01And, er...
25:03SHOWS
25:04What a mucky remark!
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08How did European fans try to wind up the American golfer Bryson DeChambeau?
25:14Someone ran on and removed his trousers.
25:16LAUGHTER
25:17They shouted, D-bag!
25:19And, er...
25:20No, pile on!
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22They chanted,
25:23You're French and you know you are.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:27LAUGHTER
25:29Time now for the missing words round,
25:31which this week features as its guest publication Harmonica Happenings.
25:35And we start with...
25:37Pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is what?
25:41Kill off all the dogs.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:45Sadly illegal.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:51LAUGHTER
25:53Pets experts say the best way to calm your cat down is...
25:58..to give it a glass of wine.
26:00This is a company in New Zealand which has launched a range of wines for cats.
26:04Not sure how much of a wine connoisseur a cat can be,
26:06but the taste is bound to make a refreshing change from its own arse.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10LAUGHTER
26:11Next.
26:12Thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should what?
26:17Contact the Samaritans.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21Thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should start by puckering your embouchure.
26:25Is that what cats do?
26:28LAUGHTER
26:30Lastly, pensioner delights country fair by showing off what?
26:34Massive bullocks.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:38Is it withered sprouts?
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41Is it that they've paid off their mortgage years ago?
26:44LAUGHTER
26:45And now we're just enjoying life.
26:47LAUGHTER
26:48Pensioner delights country fair by showing off his 50-centimetre long aubergine.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55Here is the veteran vegetable grower Peter Glazebrook with his prize-winning aubergine.
26:58It doesn't look that big to me.
27:00I mean, that sounds...
27:01LAUGHTER
27:02I mean...
27:03APPLAUSE
27:04Christ, Victoria.
27:05For an aubergine.
27:06Bloody massive, we can all see that, for goodness sake.
27:09Possible standards to aspire to.
27:11Bloody size of that thing.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14So the final scores are Ian and Sheila have four,
27:17Paul and Miles have six.
27:19APPLAUSE
27:20Thank you.
27:21Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:24Yes.
27:25Ian and Sheila have this.
27:26Anyone seen the turd?
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30Paul and Miles, get this.
27:32So the doctor says, how long has that been there?
27:34And the monkey says, I woke up a morning and there she was.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:42On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Dame Sheila Hancock,
27:46Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
27:48And I leave you with news that at a society wedding in Belgravia,
27:51one guest spots Prince Harry across a crowded room.
27:54LAUGHTER
27:57In Shropshire, a couple of bystanders come to the assistance of a local man
28:01who took an unlicensed super-strength dose of Viagra.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:09And in Washington, one customer is delighted to have found a depilatory cream
28:13that actually works.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:17Good night.
28:19APPLAUSE
28:20Now, no filter or cringe.
28:35Alan Partridge returns on a mental health mission asking,
28:39how are you?
28:41New next.
28:42APPLAUSE
28:45Hello.
28:49The
29:02Morning.
29:04We've got to be the next one the past year.
29:05The current is my life.
29:06The present is so far and more beautiful.
29:08He'll give you a hand to, you know,
29:10toamenily and the past.
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