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How Are You? It's Alan (Partridge) - Season 1 Episode 2
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03:07Hiot Shield!
03:08And they'll be performing in the Benjamin Britten Music Centre
03:12Also see boarding school as a way of subcontracting parenting to strangers
03:17And while that's literally true, what do you rather have?
03:20A mopey joe traipsing round the house leaving the lids off jars
03:23Or a well-connected asset who adds value to the family
03:27Ask them what they feel and I'm sure they'll say that feelings are something to lock in
03:31a tiffin box under the bed along with biscuits and letters from mum
03:34No, they do just fine with their stiff upper lips.
03:38Our country's future is safe in the hands of these wonderful fee-paying boys.
03:43Cheers!
03:43Cheers!
03:45And how dare their parents be made to pay VAT!
03:50Personally, I love to talk, whether it's to an audience of millions or an audience of one.
03:55Here I am recording personalised messages for fans.
03:58Happy 49th birthday, Penelope!
04:00What a day!
04:01To get your decree nice-eye from your divorce and planning permission for your barn conversion on the same day, gotta be sweet.
04:09Hello, Sheila. I know you can't be here, but Brian's told me to show you the chickens.
04:13There's a ginger one pecking at my toe. Look at that.
04:16There's a sort of tan one.
04:17OK, that's it.
04:21£100.
04:22It's a nice little earner.
04:24But what's interesting is how willing people are to talk about almost any subject apart from mental health.
04:29So what does the data say?
04:32In a fascinating study by Pairtree Analytics, when asked if they found it hard to talk about their problems, 75% said they did.
04:4012% said they didn't know, which is a pointless answer.
04:44And Norfolk is more affected than most with farmers feeling the least able to open up.
04:49But then who want to spend an afternoon talking to a farmer?
04:52And yet the view among psychologists is that only if we learn to talk can we address the mental health problems that dog us.
05:01To learn more, I've come to Norwich Cathedral.
05:03I adore Norwich Cathedral.
05:05The dean rarely grants permission to film here, but I've been given special dispensation because I'm both a proud patron and the voice of the visitor's audio guide.
05:13A far cry from modern churches, which look more like shoe shops or spaceships.
05:17One of several local attractions to feature my voice.
05:20Get out of the way.
05:21Including a fleet of grocery vans and the lift at Norwich Library.
05:25Second floor.
05:26Which went less well due to milkshake repeating on me in the booth.
05:29Fourth floor.
05:30But I'm not here to educate sightseers.
05:33I've come to learn about the language of mental health.
05:36And in Dr. Marion Boyle, I'll be talking to an actual expert rather than just a confident person with a podcast.
05:43Dr. Marion.
05:45Thanks so much, Van.
05:46Shush!
05:47You're glaring at me, but I'm not being rude because that's the name of your new book, isn't it?
05:51That's right.
05:51It's called Shush, Finding Placid Amid the Noise and the Haste.
05:55And it's really just an exploration into our mental health and our well-being.
06:01Yes, because mental health can mean different things to different people, can't it?
06:03From anxiety disorders right through to dissociative conditions such as paranoid schizophrenia.
06:08Well, that's a very good way of putting it.
06:09Thank you.
06:10I've got it off the internet.
06:10We should be looking after our minds in the same way that we look after our bodies.
06:15If you have indigestion, you can pop a Rennie.
06:18But when it comes to this, you can't just go to the bathroom cabinet, take out some mental cream and rub it on your head.
06:25Well, no, of course.
06:25But what we do have is antidepressants.
06:28Oh, yeah, I've forgotten about those.
06:29Are they any good?
06:30Well, they can be.
06:31But of course you do make a very good point.
06:32Cheers.
06:33Which is that up until recently, some of the language surrounding mental health and well-being hasn't always been very helpful.
06:40What were once medical terms are now words you would only ever use to a learner driver.
06:45Imbecile.
06:46Lunatic.
06:46And up until very recently, we used to use the word idiot as a clinical term.
06:51I mean, it's horrific to think that a GP could have called you into his surgery, sat you down and said,
06:56The results have come back, they're not what we would have hoped.
07:00There's no easy way of putting this, but I'm sorry to have to tell you, you're an idiot.
07:05Of course, and that's why the terminology is so, so important.
07:08OCD, ADHD, bipolar, and it is just to get rid of that stigma, if you like.
07:14Absolutely, and not before time.
07:15Time was when OCD would be house-proud or fussy.
07:19ADHD would have been ants in the pants.
07:22Bipolar disorder would have been moody.
07:24When my assistant has her panic attacks, I think most people would say she's flapping or in the tis.
07:32Do you mind me saying that you don't blink?
07:35It had been a useful meeting with the doctor, even though I later found out her book was self-published
07:40and she'd got her degree from the University of Central Lancashire.
07:45How are you?
07:49So that's the theory, but does talking really help us surmount problems?
07:53Time to put it to the test in a familiar high-stress situation.
07:58What you're about to watch is a controlled experiment.
08:01I'm with my assistant.
08:02She's an unskilled worker in her early 70s in the middle-to-low-income bracket.
08:07She's of sound mind, in good health, and not under the influence of any prescription medication,
08:12apart from something for IBS and cod liver oil as a rearguard action against arthritis.
08:17But nothing for anxiety. We both agreed we wouldn't want to compromise her concentration.
08:26Relax your jaw.
08:28My assistant, whose driving style is best described as flustered hesitancy,
08:32will be taking the short drive into Norwich twice.
08:34Down into second.
08:35The first with me talking about the flaws in her driving, the second in silence.
08:38Don't clench your teeth.
08:41Which will prove fastest?
08:46Easy, easy, tiger.
08:49Yeah, that wasn't bad, was it?
08:51You're a little too heavy on the throttle, a little too heavy on the brake.
08:55You do suffer from pedal panic.
08:58That's the thing.
08:59Remember, it's a three-pedal dance.
09:01Be in harmony with the car.
09:02The Japanese have a word for it, but I can't remember what it is.
09:06You can pop her into third, if you want.
09:09I was just doing that.
09:11You're panicking, Lynn.
09:13Breathe.
09:14You're allowed to breathe.
09:17Wrong lane.
09:18Sometimes I feel like I'm a driving examiner, you know.
09:22When I want you to do an emergency stop, I will tap the dash.
09:24Wait!
09:25What the f*** are you doing?
09:27After a frank exchange of views and a muttered apology, we continued the drive and reached Norwich.
09:35This time, rather than expressing myself, I'll be keeping silent and comparing the difference.
09:42And while the atmosphere was markedly more frosty, what would it mean for her time?
09:48Oh, that's interesting.
09:49The drive had been quicker than when I'd been providing guidance, but that may have been just her trying to make a point, which sadly voids the experiment.
09:57What the f*** is she doing?
10:01How are you?
10:06In 2023, I sunk a large portion of my savings into a startup that generates AI video.
10:12Yet prompted to show Alan Partridge in a yurt with Carol Vorderman, or Alan Partridge flies a jetpack over Norfolk, the results are incredibly poor.
10:25The company whose software struggles to animate movement and is unable to do hands was named one-to-watch in the business pages of the Knowledge Gazette.
10:33But AI is a useful metaphor for what each of us do in our own lives, artificially generating different versions of ourselves to pass off as the real thing.
10:42There's Business Alan, Tough Alan, Sexy Alan, McMahon Idealer, Beefy Alan, Cool Alan, Jet Set Alan, Cardigan Alan, Chef Alan...
10:55And there are more Alans.
10:56At home, with my neighbour and lover Katrina, I tend to be laid back, Alan.
11:03Shooting the breeze at my tripedal breakfast bar and helping out when I can.
11:07If you fill your car up later, can you do mine as well?
11:10Do you want me to drive my car to a petrol station and then do the same with yours?
11:15Might as well.
11:16Yeah, I'm there anyway, aren't I?
11:18But you'll have to go back tonight.
11:19But to get to the heart of who we really are, experts say the key is to talk about our feelings.
11:25So how do we do it?
11:28For taciturn, emotionally stunted people, e.g. from Eton or Scotland,
11:34speaking about your emotions can be a daunting experience.
11:37One useful exercise is to talk about something else,
11:41be it cookery or soccer or the Second World War.
11:45After time, you'll develop a muscle memory for chat,
11:47at which point you can jump off and tell people why you're so fed up.
11:51One man I know went from speaking about cathedrals to his erectile dysfunction in about four minutes,
11:57and that's the quickest I've seen it done.
11:59To try this idea out, I'm heading to a book group,
12:02although I've arrived slightly late because the woman now showing me in gave me the wrong postcode.
12:07Hello, everyone.
12:07Joining our group just for today.
12:09Bye.
12:09While men enjoy reading books, women enjoy talking about them.
12:13It's a sociable and collegiate way to boost their well-being
12:15while finding out if they like the book they've just read.
12:18This week, Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan.
12:21No relation to Kevin, which I skim read in the car.
12:24She wrong-foots you, though, doesn't she?
12:27Like, showing the brutality of the Magdalene laundries through the eyes of a man.
12:33I thought, hmm, I'm not sure about that.
12:35Bit of a bold choice.
12:37Fair is bold.
12:38I did think there was a sweetness to it, though.
12:40The Christmas bit where they're decorating the...
12:42Tree.
12:43No, it's the cake.
12:44It is the cake.
12:45I just wanted to reach into the book and hug high.
12:48They're like Bridget Jones, but turbocharged.
12:53Yeah, probably what you meant to say is Bridget Jones, but supercharged rather than turbocharged,
12:59because that way you eliminate the turbo lag.
13:02But I absolutely get the gist of what you ladies are trying to say.
13:05I know you're not a lady.
13:06You understood what I meant, didn't you?
13:08Yeah, turbo lag.
13:09Turbo lag, precisely, yeah.
13:11To my surprise, I found talking about books immensely enjoyable, and I soon found myself
13:16fully engaged, despite the fact that it had been a long day.
13:19It's more of a novella than a novel, but all the same, I didn't feel shortchanged by the
13:23story.
13:24Pardon me?
13:25You're absolutely right there, Susan.
13:27I would agree.
13:27I felt...
13:28Well, these bookworms might look like they're just discussing novels, but a regular attendee
13:33will see a different dynamic at play, one in which Cynthia gets to flex the grey matter,
13:38which lies dormant when she's around her estate agent husband, and Susan gets to forget all
13:44about her drink-drive conviction, in which a police horse died, and, yeah, she's doing
13:49fine.
13:50What are you doing over a woman's book group?
13:54I'll just have a little read this.
13:56It's a great book.
13:57You read it?
13:58Yeah.
13:58It's good.
13:59It's a good book.
14:00Yeah.
14:01You?
14:03Um...
14:04Yeah.
14:09So what are we going to read next week, do you think, guys?
14:11Do you have any suggestions?
14:12Yes, Ice Station Zebra by Alastair MacLean.
14:16It's about a Russian submarine with nuclear warheads hidden beneath the polar ice caps,
14:21and you'd think, that's crazy, but it was later discovered that there was a Soviet submarine
14:28hidden beneath the polar ice caps with nuclear warheads, and so you think, well, did Alastair
14:34MacLean predict the future, or did the Russians read Ice Station Zebra and think, let's do,
14:39that's a good idea, but it...
14:42When you think about how the Soviets nearly destroyed the world, it makes a shiver go down
14:48your spine.
14:49But does it make a shiver go down your women's spines?
14:52I relished the chance to talk, but the important thing about any social event is knowing just
14:57the right time to leave.
14:58You all right?
14:59Yeah, I just think if you're going to run a book group, you have a moral duty to tell
15:04people you're going to provide white wine so they don't turn up with an empty stomach.
15:07Well, you know, just do some sandwiches.
15:11Stupid burgers.
15:12How are you?
15:19But what if talking isn't the answer?
15:21What if the best way to process your feelings isn't to be grown up about it, but to do the
15:26opposite?
15:27After all, children don't sit around talking about their feelings, yet you don't see depressed
15:32eight-year-olds staring at women in hotel bars.
15:34Instead, they play.
15:36They play.
15:37To explore this further, I've come to the estate I grew up on, where childhood friend
15:42Jez Chaudry, who's thinking about getting a bigger house number, has agreed to spend
15:46the afternoon with me for the fee.
15:48They say, show me a seven-year-old boy and I'll show you the man, although there's got to be a better way of phrasing that.
16:01And so we set off on vintage cycles, hired in an ironic way by Shoreditch millennials, but which we were able to enjoy at face value.
16:13I was keen to reminisce about the freedom and hijinks of our salad days, but in the end couldn't, because Jez wanted to tell me about how interesting his job was.
16:22I'm in digital marketing for Pfizer.
16:24Yeah, I love it.
16:24Yeah, I've got a great team, licensed to develop digital marketing strategy, but also individual campaigns.
16:30When he was a child, he wanted to be an astronaut.
16:33But maybe the happiness I experienced when I was seven exists only in my mind.
16:38In fact, life wasn't always rosy.
16:40I was punched on three occasions outside a chip shop by a 13-year-old girl.
16:44I think this is her now.
16:46Or this.
16:48Do you remember Mickey had stabilizers on his bike even when he was 12?
16:53Softie.
16:54Mickey.
16:55Yeah.
16:56He still lives around here.
16:57Yeah?
16:59Yeah.
16:59So did Bill Pinson.
17:00He's gone now.
17:01Quite a few of our class have gone now.
17:03Yeah.
17:03There was about six of them in a row.
17:05It was cancer, cancer, stroke, cancer, suicide, choked.
17:11Yeah.
17:13I think Bill just fell over, didn't he?
17:14Oh, you heard about that?
17:15Yeah.
17:16I was invited to the funeral, but it clashed with the National TV Awards, so...
17:20Wow, you were in the National TV Awards?
17:22No, I was just watching it on TV, but...
17:24It's a shame, because he was a nice guy.
17:27Big heart.
17:28Yeah, big heart, big portions.
17:31Jess, do you ever look back on those days and think, you know, maybe we were happier then?
17:35Sometimes, yeah.
17:36Lying on grass where sunlight dapples, enjoying apples and boyish grapples on those forever afternoons.
17:45That's really nice.
17:46It's nice.
17:47Grazy knees and rows of cheek, we'd ride our bikes up to the creek.
17:51Trousers short, but days so long, on those forever afternoons.
17:57Then Bill said bye, but why, we cry.
18:02Tis late, Bill sighed, but soon we'll ride on another forever afternoon.
18:07A few minutes more.
18:08Oh, let's explore till ten past four, when bums are sore on this forever afternoon.
18:14And when next we came to call on Bill, his mother's eyes began to fill.
18:19Where's Bill, said I?
18:22She began to sigh.
18:25Bill went off to die.
18:28But why?
18:29Because fifty years went by.
18:32Oh, what we'd give to see Bill live.
18:36We'd knock on doors, then ride in fours.
18:39Pedals without a cause.
18:41One more forever afternoon.
18:43Oh, shit, I don't know why I wrote it.
18:45You're just going to leave that there?
18:47No, I'll pick it up.
18:48But no recreation of the good old days would be complete without our other childhood friend, Mickey Allsop.
18:54You all right?
18:55Yeah, I'm fine.
18:56Doing a wheelie.
18:58This is the wrong house.
18:59I think it's this one.
19:00Yeah, I know.
19:13Hello, Mrs. Allsop.
19:16Is Mickey in?
19:17He's in the other room.
19:19Oh, right.
19:20Are you watching TV?
19:22He's doing his account.
19:24Of course you're his wife.
19:27OK, tell him we'll be down on the green if he's got to join us in about half an hour.
19:32It's just sort of a reunion.
19:35Yeah.
19:35Tell him to wear his trainers.
19:36Thanks.
19:37And so for a fleeting moment, we were seven again, when the dreams we had as children were still possible.
19:45Maybe you will join NASA.
19:48Maybe you should become the chairman of ICI.
19:51Maybe you can marry your cousin.
19:54I've been waiting for so long.
19:59To come and out and sing the song.
20:02Oh, don't crack up.
20:05And your friend Steve-O-Stars.
20:10Throw up your mental dreams.
20:13Ooh, ooh, ooh.
20:15So, uh, what do you want to do now?
20:19Well, we were just saying we might go for a pint if you fancy joining us.
20:22I'm not sure.
20:23I might cycle around a bit more.
20:24I heard some lads saying they were building a ramp.
20:27Might go and check it out.
20:28Oh, if you change your mind.
20:30Nah.
20:31How are your parents?
20:32They're both dead.
20:33Ah, yeah.
20:34And yours?
20:35Same.
20:36Yeah, mine too.
20:36See ya!
20:37But one last forever afternoon had made me realize
20:43not only that I should make my poem, Song for the Biker Boys,
20:46available as a free download for private schools,
20:49but also that reaching out and talking
20:51have brought me real mental health benefits.
20:57And now, having found my voice, I'm going to use it for good.
21:01I'm going to take that voice and put it into the mouth
21:03of someone who needs it more than I do.
21:05A woman.
21:06Because for too long, people like me
21:08have put the men into mental and the he into health.
21:12Well, not anymore.
21:15I've had my run-ins with Mum's Net,
21:17but it remains a great way to find women with a grievance.
21:20While browsing one day, I was touched by the story
21:22of a woman dismissed by her employer
21:24when she'd raised her mental concerns.
21:26So I arranged to meet her in some remote woodland.
21:30Leona, I want to take you back to a very painful time.
21:34It's summer, 2023.
21:35Britain is sweltering in record temperatures.
21:38HS2 has just been cancelled correctly, in my view.
21:41Why would you want to get to the north quicker?
21:43And for Leona Maguire, that's you,
21:46you've just landed your dream job
21:48as an administrator for CXG Technologies.
21:51Tell me what happened.
21:53Well, I'm not a very loud person.
21:55Just do speak up a little.
21:56Okay, I'm not very outgoing and they were very demanding.
22:00They were sort of that ex-public school type,
22:03very sort of full of themselves.
22:05And I imagine for a quiet woman like you,
22:06and you are quiet, really quiet,
22:08I can imagine that abrasive, underqualified,
22:13overconfident, I want to say twattery,
22:16must have been quite overwhelming.
22:19Well, yeah, I started to struggle with anxiety
22:21and then I missed the odd day
22:23and of course the bosses didn't like that.
22:24Yes, they do try and speak up a bit.
22:26Okay, sorry.
22:27And then they gave me all these reasons,
22:29but I just think that they couldn't be bothered with me.
22:31And that's not on,
22:32because I'm an employer, I have staff,
22:35and sometimes she's unwell or has a personal issue
22:39and obviously your first thought is,
22:40oh, great, looks like I'm picking up my own dry cleaning then.
22:43But as an employer, you have a duty of care.
22:46So you say, all right, take the day off,
22:48just come in early tomorrow to make up the time you lost.
22:50But they didn't do that.
22:52No, no, they called me in
22:53and they told me that my services were no longer required,
22:56even though the week before I had asked to speak to a counsellor.
23:00And they definitely heard you?
23:01Yeah, but when I asked them if that was the reason why,
23:05they didn't really elaborate.
23:06Well, they're going to elaborate today, Leona,
23:08because I'm going to bang some heads together.
23:10In fact, I'm going to bang so many heads together,
23:12it's going to be like human conkers.
23:14You ready?
23:15I think so.
23:15All right, remember volume.
23:17Do you have conkers in Ireland?
23:21Okay, now this is your story, all right?
23:26So I'll go over there and pin them down
23:27and then you give that speech.
23:29Everything you said in that incredibly moving voicemail.
23:33Oh, I wasn't sure that you got that.
23:34Yeah, I just didn't reply.
23:37Okay, well, the hardest thing was coming home with no job
23:40and telling my son that Disneyland had been cancelled.
23:43Okay, now make it personal.
23:45Use his name.
23:45What's his name?
23:46Tig.
23:47Tig?
23:48Yes.
23:48Yeah, don't use his name.
23:49Okay, well, he's being very brave and...
23:52No, no, don't say he's brave.
23:53You're brave.
23:54He's broken.
23:55And what are you not going to do?
23:57Erm, speak quietly.
23:59Pardon?
23:59Speak quietly.
24:00What else aren't you going to do?
24:02Be bullied.
24:03Finally!
24:05Time for the sting.
24:06Wearing a hidden camera disguised as a standard dental brooch,
24:10I'm infiltrating an investor open day.
24:13You're going to see why I set up this company.
24:15A public showdown designed to achieve maximum embarrassment for this guy.
24:20The man who sacked Leona, smug CEO Craig Gardner.
24:25Wearing what people like him call a gilet and people like me call a body warmer.
24:30Within the next four years, maybe even sooner.
24:31Just, uh, I wanted to ask about the recently discontinued LM unit.
24:36The LM unit?
24:37Yeah, it was a multifunctional appliance, just didn't realise it was disposable.
24:41Now, I'm not aware of the LM unit.
24:43There's one over there.
24:44Come on.
24:44LM.
24:45Leona Maguire.
24:46Okay, got it.
24:47Yeah, you decommissioned the unit earlier this year.
24:50Threw in a skip with a load of hard drives in the bottom half of a shop dummy.
24:53Do you normally terminate people's employment without due process?
24:56Don't talk over me just because you went to public school.
24:59You know, you may be able to drown out a timid woman with a thin voice.
25:01Not so easy when it's a professional broadcaster, is it?
25:04We tried the switchboard already.
25:06Her name is Leona Maguire.
25:07You know who she is.
25:08You see, I can talk and listen at the same time.
25:10It comes from having talk back in my eye whilst presenting live TV.
25:13I can go on all afternoon.
25:14Thank you.
25:15You know, it doesn't matter how many fancy websites you have
25:18or high-tech computer backpacks or whatever it is.
25:22It's a jet suit.
25:25What, like a jet pack?
25:26We prefer to say jet suit.
25:28Wow.
25:29What, can these actually fly?
25:32Yeah.
25:34My son Taig has been broken by this.
25:36Yeah, she's a very brave woman.
25:38Do you need specialist skills to operate it, or...?
25:41You can pick it up in a couple of hours.
25:43Huh.
25:45What, me?
25:48A tete-a-tete with Leona confirmed what I already knew,
25:52that this was something I had to do to give her story the hearing it deserved.
25:56Now, do you think if I put on one of these so-called jetpacks, I'll help shine a light on people like you?
26:04I don't know.
26:05Because I think it will.
26:07I just don't see what that has to do with it.
26:09Well, yeah, but otherwise all you've got is middle-aged woman gets the sack.
26:12You introduce the jetpack and bam, you've got it.
26:15You see?
26:16Do you see now how I'm trying to help you?
26:17Yeah.
26:19Right, good.
26:21Let's get the jetpack!
26:22Grrrr!
26:24Okay.
26:25Um, has Dan Snow had a go at this?
26:27No.
26:27Good, good.
26:28And, uh, Ben Fogel?
26:29No.
26:30Great.
26:31So, if Fogel or Snow get in touch, uh, just delay getting back to them so that it doesn't actually happen.
26:38Okay, I'm ready to fly.
26:42And while my microphone may have caught some gentle exuberance,
26:45women's mental health was never far from my mind.
26:52Oh!
26:54That is absolutely awesome!
26:58Absolutely awesome!
27:01Oh, that's what he's cast!
27:05Can I tell you something?
27:07I'm definitely getting one of these!
27:13Sell your house!
27:14Sell the kids!
27:15But get one before they ban it!
27:17Because I'll tell you what they say!
27:23Producing throttle for controlled descent onto Range Rover Roof!
27:28Ladder required!
27:29Well, for Leona, it's very much mission accomplished.
27:32My flight drew attention to her plight.
27:34In that regard, very much a plight flight.
27:37But it was whilst I was airborne, flying like an eagle,
27:40I realised the weightlessness I felt from jet propulsion
27:43was nothing compared to the weightlessness we all feel
27:46when we unburden ourselves, let our feelings out,
27:49Jesus!
27:49Well, and just talk.
27:51Goodbye.
27:51Goodbye.
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