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Gogglebox Ireland Season 11 Episode 3
#GoggleboxIreland
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Reality Realm US
#GoggleboxIreland
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Reality Realm US
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Short filmTranscript
00:00So, here is Dating 101 now, it's a conversation I had in grandeur yesterday.
00:05How are you handsome? Why thank you. How are you? I reply.
00:10I'm in A&E with my nan since 10am, other than that I'm okay lol.
00:15Then I got another message saying hey. I wrote back saying I hope all is okay.
00:21Yes she's been kept in for a few days but she's doing okay.
00:25Now I went on to this app to meet a man, there's a strong chance I'm going to his grandmother's funeral.
00:30Oh shut up, my show's on.
00:33Oh! Uh oh!
00:37Oh my god! Oh he's doing it in the tip!
00:40Oh my god! No, no, no! Jesus Christ, he don't give you Andy Warhol.
00:45Oh why is he doing this? A wooga.
00:50He's whipping this loot out now.
00:52I take it all back. A girl is a genius.
01:00In the week when nearly a quarter of a million people descended on Offaly to plough some fields, we watched loads of great telly.
01:09Channel 4 had us reminiscing about our school days on Sunday.
01:13Oh, I could tell you stories about school, boy.
01:19I remember getting suspended from school years ago and I had a ball.
01:23Sky Atlantic immersed us into the gritty underworld of some bin men.
01:28I'm real into this. Yeah, it's good.
01:33Oh no!
01:35Is he alright?
01:36No.
01:37And E4 was back with some more dramatic blind dates on Sunday.
01:42When I was younger, I never really got the attention of any girls because I wasn't that sexy guy.
01:47Tell me about it.
01:48I was exactly the same.
01:49God, I was four foot nothing.
01:52People just put coats on me.
01:58In Mullhuddart...
01:59Do you know me big pink fish? Me pretty fish?
02:02Meet Sophie, her sister Chloe and their best friend, Caleb.
02:06I wasn't in the tank and sometimes like she hides behind the bushes or something so I was like alright I'll just give her a minute.
02:11And I went to Vietnam and I was like, where the fuck is this fish?
02:15But I read that...
02:17They jump.
02:20Fish is gone.
02:21And I've searched the whole room and I went down to my nanny and I was like, nanny, ha ha!
02:25Have you seen the fish?
02:26I was like, where's the fish?
02:28How do you lose a fish?
02:29How do you lose a fish?
02:30And she was like, no.
02:31And I thought she just didn't want to tell me in case I'd be upset.
02:33Do you know that it died?
02:34Like I was like, alright.
02:35Do you know what I mean?
02:36I was like, nanny, did my fish die and you took it out?
02:38And she was like, no.
02:39Do you know what I mean?
02:40She was like, I seen it earlier on.
02:42So I think there's a dead fish somewhere in my room.
02:44But I looked.
02:45Did you not look?
02:46Yeah, I looked.
02:47Did you look behind where the tank is?
02:48I can't pull that out.
02:49What?
02:50How can't you pull it out?
02:51Because there's a load of water on top of it.
02:53It's very heavy.
02:55This week, we checked in with the residents of the country's most famous fictitious suburb on RTE1.
03:02Hey!
03:05No.
03:06I guarantee you every house you can see in those opening credits is worth about $750,000.
03:12Oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:14Love it, love it.
03:15Oh, shit.
03:16Is this what I think this is?
03:17Oh, my favourite.
03:18Oh.
03:19We caught up with pregnant Hayley, who was visited by her angry ex and baby daddy, James.
03:26Hey!
03:29Ah, the ex.
03:30Uh-oh.
03:31She's not even supposed to be there, Jax.
03:32You're breaking the protection order.
03:33Screw the protection order!
03:35Screw you!
03:36What is it to do?
03:37Stay a certain amount away from her?
03:38Yeah, normally you're not allowed to contact them and you have to stay a certain distance.
03:42He's not doing a great job in her living room.
03:43No, I think he's violating both.
03:45You keep talking.
03:47I will give this straight to the guards.
03:49Oh, yeah.
03:50Well, here's something for the guards.
03:52She's a lying, conniving bitch.
03:54Everything that she's said about me is a trumped-up charge.
03:57No surprise given she comes from a family full of lone sharks and addicts.
04:00You shut your mouth!
04:01Oh, there's her true colours.
04:03Less Mother Earth, more fish wife.
04:05What's wrong with her?
04:06Is she having a wife?
04:07A wien?
04:08Yeah.
04:09Babby.
04:10Not a wien.
04:11Baby.
04:12A wien?
04:13Oh, she's gone into labour.
04:14Who could have predicted it?
04:15Fish wife?
04:17What the fuck am I watching?
04:19My waters.
04:21They just broke.
04:22Uh-oh.
04:23Uh-oh.
04:24Her was spoken.
04:25What do I do?
04:26Tell me.
04:27Just go.
04:28You're in labour.
04:29Oh, now you're all being nice to her.
04:30Oh, yeah.
04:31And they calling her a bitch and everything two seconds ago.
04:33I'll bring the car out.
04:35Why, all of a sudden, is she trusting him?
04:38She's in labour, Laura.
04:40She's not thinking straight.
04:41Yeah.
04:45Will you come on?
04:46What is wrong with him?
04:47Do you think she could be lying to get him to go away?
04:49I actually couldn't give a fuck.
04:51Meanwhile, across town, we got to witness wedding bells for locals, Doug and Erica.
04:57Are they getting married in someone's sitting room?
04:59The day before, she was running off with another fella.
05:02Every day with you makes me feel so warm and safe.
05:06It's a place I never want to live.
05:10Uh-oh.
05:11There he is.
05:12That's who she was supposed to run away with.
05:15What's going on?
05:17The dirty slapper.
05:20It was a one-off, I swear.
05:23Ah, lovely.
05:24If you'd have told me it was one-off, I'd have said it's all off.
05:27Yeah, bye-bye.
05:28Why would she even say that?
05:29I'd be milling stuff across at him.
05:31Doug.
05:34Wait.
05:36Ah, that's the hell.
05:38Doug, come back.
05:40Doug!
05:42Was that the back of a shop?
05:45Pee!
05:47Let me out your mind, pig!
05:52Oh, Jesus.
05:53Doug!
05:55Oh!
05:56Fast, it's the other one.
05:57Oh, look, I knew this was going to happen.
05:58Doug!
05:59Who's going to...?
06:01Oh, Jesus Christ!
06:03Oh, for crying out loud. For crying out loud.
06:15He matters.
06:16The car!
06:17The car!
06:18The car!
06:19The car!
06:24Oh!
06:25A split second.
06:26That's all it takes.
06:27That's all it takes.
06:29Are you okay?
06:30Don't mind fucking him!
06:31It's in front of a cop.
06:33Do something!
06:35Oh!
06:36Oh, it's our waters!
06:37Or is it petrol?
06:38Oh!
06:39Oh, Jesus.
06:40Oh, no.
06:41That car's going to go up.
06:42The petrol leak is getting worse.
06:43Where the hell are the emergency services?
06:46Listen, listen.
06:49Hang on, Hayley.
06:50I was keeping Doug.
06:51I don't know.
06:52The three of them are just like, will we get a cup of tea?
06:55It's going to be okay, Hayley.
06:56Oh!
06:57Hurry up!
06:58There we go.
06:59Oh, get her ready, please.
07:00Hurry!
07:03Low up now.
07:04Low up.
07:05I got you.
07:08Oh, quickly.
07:11Boom!
07:12Oh, wow.
07:16Ah, lads.
07:20What the fuck?
07:21Later, the show took us to visit Hayley in the hospital.
07:24About today, I have something I wanted to say.
07:27Thank you so much.
07:29What?
07:30You saved Hayley's life.
07:32If it wasn't for you getting her out of the car, she'd be lying in the room working on a hospital bed.
07:36Today, you're a hero for her.
07:37I would strangle him.
07:39He's the reason.
07:41Sharon all right.
07:42Well, I was just wondering if I could have a moment alone with her.
07:45No.
07:46Oh.
07:47We'll go and get coffee.
07:48Could you take her with you?
07:50Go, go gladly.
07:51He's hardly going to turn off the life support.
07:54Fucking idiot.
07:59It's good that they got her bag and her phone out of the car before it exploded.
08:08Delete.
08:09You bad egg.
08:10He's a bit wicked, isn't he?
08:15Oh, my God.
08:16Oh, Jesus Christ.
08:17I love Versity.
08:19No, no.
08:20I'm never, ever watching Versity with you again.
08:22Oh, can I have that in writing?
08:23Yeah.
08:24Please?
08:25You're a peen, honest to God.
08:26I can't stand soaps.
08:27Janet, I swear you're a fucking hemorrhoid.
08:30Oh, my God.
08:33In Dundalk.
08:34What about you getting bullied on the PlayStation?
08:36I'm not over it.
08:38David.
08:39And his wife, Sarah.
08:41Not getting bullied on it.
08:43It's just...
08:44David, there was a man in Russia.
08:45What did I translate it to?
08:46You are bad at this game.
08:47They just...
08:48They don't like if you're playing and you beat them.
08:50And they'll send you, like, a message going, like, you shit.
08:53Someone actually messaged me,
08:54I'd rather watch paint dry than play with you again.
08:57You're getting bullied on it.
08:59Yeah.
09:00It's kind of weird, because I'm 32 years old.
09:02It's just these kids messaging me,
09:04saying how bad I am and everything, like...
09:06I felt, I felt, like, bad for you.
09:07Like, I felt pity for you.
09:09I...
09:10When I do see them, I delete a lot of them,
09:11because I don't want to see them.
09:13On Sunday night, E4 brought us a brand new instalment
09:17of their experimental dating series.
09:20I know my soulmate is out there.
09:22I just haven't met them yet.
09:23Yes!
09:24Yes!
09:25Is it Married of our site?
09:26Is it?
09:27It is turnip.
09:29I love this,
09:30because it's just a bunch of narcissists
09:32all coming together.
09:33The first to enter the experiment
09:35is 31-year-old Sarah.
09:37It's me, I'm 31, and I'm Sarah.
09:39You wear the same types of jackets.
09:40I would wear a blazer, yeah.
09:41I just love a bad boy.
09:44Tattoos, big belts.
09:46A bit of a scumbag.
09:47A little bit of a scumbag.
09:48A little bit of a scumbag.
09:49Like a scumbag, what?
09:50There's a lot of pressure on women
09:52because of the biological clock
09:53to be getting married by a certain age.
09:55Are you asking me questions now or something?
09:57Relax, you are not becoming a grandfather
09:59any time soon.
10:00I can guarantee you that.
10:02My perfect husband would be someone
10:05who can match my energy,
10:07who can have fun with me,
10:09a big heart.
10:10Ah, he looks like he has a big heart.
10:12If he doesn't look like what I would usually go for,
10:15it doesn't matter.
10:16I'm going to be open-minded.
10:17I love him already.
10:18He's real cute, isn't he?
10:19I love him already.
10:20My favourite thing to do is to make people smile.
10:22Aw!
10:23How would you not be embarrassed, though?
10:25Absolutely not.
10:26Yeah, mate, you know,
10:27you went on Bleeding Telly to get a wife.
10:29No.
10:30Why would you be embarrassed?
10:31When I was younger,
10:32I never really got the attention of any girls
10:34because I wasn't that sexy guy.
10:36Tell me about it.
10:37I was exactly the same.
10:38God, I was four foot nothing.
10:40People just put coats on me.
10:42I'm a hopeless romantic.
10:45I'd just love to make the person I'm with feel like a princess,
10:47feel like a queen.
10:48There has to be a catch.
10:50Maybe he's got really sweaty hands.
10:52We watched through our fingers
10:54as we witnessed Dean waiting at the top of the aisle.
10:57Here comes the bride.
10:59Oh, I hope he likes her.
11:04I wouldn't even go on a blind date,
11:05let alone a blind marriage.
11:07Like when you went on first dates?
11:08That was awful, yeah.
11:10I forgot about that.
11:11You literally went on a blind date on television.
11:19Oh, my God.
11:20He's so cute.
11:21Oh, my God.
11:22What's your name?
11:23Sarah.
11:24Sarah.
11:25What's your name?
11:26My name's Dean.
11:27Dean.
11:28She didn't even know your name.
11:29They don't know their names.
11:30That's what I'm saying.
11:31They meet at the top of the altar.
11:33She's smiling.
11:34She's looking at me,
11:35and I think,
11:36this is the woman for me.
11:37It started off good.
11:38The personality's there.
11:39I hope she's feeling the same.
11:40Does she like him?
11:43No, I don't fancy Dean.
11:45What'd I tell you?
11:47Oh, she's like Dean.
11:48Didn't she say she's not going for a look?
11:51I'm so sorry.
11:52I should have.
11:53She got the egg?
11:54Oh, shit.
11:55Don't marry her, Dean.
11:56I don't know anything about you yet,
11:58but I can't wait to discover all the idiosyncrasies
12:00that make you who you are.
12:01And there's something I've prepared.
12:03Oh, I'm excited.
12:08Oh, here we go.
12:09When I saw you in that dress today,
12:11you did more than take my breath away.
12:13Oh, he's got a wrath.
12:16All my fears alleviate.
12:17I know we're gonna be okay.
12:19No.
12:21Oh, lad.
12:22Is this actually happening?
12:23Everybody sing with me.
12:25What?
12:26When I say wed, you say ding.
12:27Wed.
12:28Wed.
12:29Wed.
12:30When I say wed, you say ding.
12:31Wed.
12:32When I say ding, you say vorst.
12:33You say leave.
12:34I'll say now.
12:35I feel sorry for him.
12:36I don't.
12:37Oh, you did up until that point.
12:39It was way better than I could have ever hoped.
12:42This is my defa lady.
12:43Aww.
12:44I don't think so.
12:45I'm gonna be completely honest.
12:47I don't wanna rip his clothes off.
12:49I think she's a looks person.
12:50She already said that.
12:51But she said she'll go past the look.
12:52After the ceremony, we waited to see if Dean could turn things around at the afters.
13:04What's happening now?
13:05Oh, what's this gobshake gonna do?
13:07What is about to happen right now?
13:10So, yes.
13:11Daddy's not going singing again.
13:14Oh, Dean.
13:15It's been two minutes.
13:17I was rooting for you.
13:19I know you don't know me that well yet.
13:21I wanted to paint a picture of what, like, I see what love can be.
13:25We've done enough extracurricular activities.
13:26We're done.
13:27Please.
13:28Sit me down in front of the fire.
13:31Sit me down with a hot cup cocoa with you.
13:35I want a divorce too.
13:38Cause you're my hope, my love, my life, the one, and you're my home.
13:43No.
13:44I admire the courage, but I'm getting sick.
13:48I can see why we've been matched.
13:50I can.
13:51She's not there.
13:54Shh.
13:55It's all.
13:56She went into it knowing I'm not gonna know what he looks like.
13:58I'm not gonna know how he is, like, and then she's there sobbing and all.
14:01Like, hop on.
14:02It was your choice to go on the show.
14:03Grow up.
14:04The awkward couples are always my favourite, though.
14:06I know it's terrible.
14:07Cause I'm literally watching two people suffer.
14:09You're such an evil little shit.
14:10I can't wait to watch the rest of that now.
14:24But food delivery sponsors Gogglebox Ireland.
14:37NSI.
14:38All this gym stuff you're doing.
14:40Yeah, cause I have long biceps.
14:41You still can't get arms like me.
14:43The gruffer teeth.
14:44Sure, I don't have a long bicep.
14:46I have a half of one.
14:47One and a half biceps.
14:49What is that?
14:50You're like Popeye.
14:52That's what happens when you have an accident with a bulldozer.
14:54And the bulldozer won.
14:56Alex, you've got bigger guns than your daddy now.
14:58No you haven't.
15:00Mine are harder than yours.
15:04Like knots on tread.
15:06Okay girlies, slow down there.
15:08Let me just...
15:10Oh yeah, have a look at that.
15:12That's just because you're a skinny man.
15:14Of course you'd use the arm with the scribbles all over it.
15:16Every time you come back we have an arm wrestle
15:18to see if you got stronger or you'll win it.
15:20Every time I come back from the gym
15:22after my muscles have been fatigued.
15:26That's the excuse of the day.
15:28And every time your sister beats you.
15:30On Sunday night, Channel 4
15:32took us back inside a very famous school.
15:36Welcome to the world of education.
15:38Educating Yorkshire.
15:40Was that a good accent?
15:42That was pretty good.
15:44I could tell you stories about school, bye.
15:46In the program, we followed the day-to-day school life
15:49of a 12-year-old student named Jacob.
15:52He's not known to be one of Year 8's
15:54more reserved students.
15:56This room is very hot.
15:58He seems like fun, doesn't he?
16:00It's Chad.
16:01Yeah, that's blue that one.
16:02It's Chad.
16:03Voice is off.
16:04Hands up.
16:05It's Chad.
16:06Chad?
16:07Is it Chad?
16:08I think it's Chad.
16:09I know my flags.
16:10You do know your flags.
16:12Listen to your handsome little boy.
16:14Yay!
16:16I have to say, I love a class clown.
16:18Well, you're lucky enough you have one of them here
16:20sitting with you.
16:21I know.
16:22Clearly.
16:23Because that's all I get told at the parent-teacher meetings.
16:25They would just, like, shout out about even thinking a bit too much.
16:30If they followed me around school, just would not make good TV.
16:34But then, like, we are also different people to what we were in school.
16:37Like, we wouldn't have been friends in school.
16:39No, probably not.
16:40You don't even hesitate there, like.
16:42Right, so, I'm a little bit concerned about your negatives.
16:45You're the highest in Year 8.
16:47It looks bad.
16:48Yeah, it is.
16:49Oh, God, the poor boy.
16:50Did you ever go on report card in school, Al?
16:53Yeah.
16:54Did you?
16:55Yeah.
16:56I was never told you were on report cards.
16:58Yeah, you were supposed to get them signed by your parents as well.
17:01At the end of every day.
17:02Were you?
17:03I learned four of them.
17:04Alan's mum's signature in, like, second year, boy.
17:05What can we do to help you out a little bit?
17:08I don't know.
17:10Because I know I can do it.
17:12I just sometimes can't.
17:13I feel really bad for him.
17:16Hmm.
17:17I feel like they're trying to make him like everyone else.
17:19Mm-hmm.
17:20And he's just not.
17:21Who do you support?
17:22Yes.
17:23Everton?
17:24Yeah.
17:25Everton?
17:26Yeah.
17:27Why Everton?
17:28My dad did.
17:29Because my dad did.
17:31Where's dad?
17:32Over the last few years, Jacob's lost several close family members.
17:37Aww.
17:38I just want to hug him now.
17:40I've worked with numerous kids that have lost family in different circumstances.
17:47I was 14 when dad died.
17:50Because I missed, like, a few days, and obviously you're going back into school and, like, you can't take these things in.
17:54Like, my junior set results were crap.
17:56I think I have ADHD, but it's not confirmed yet.
18:01There's more children coming out with autism and ADHD, and you need regular breaks in order to get them focused.
18:10It's been discovered that Jacob's been filming on his phone all day around school.
18:15Aww.
18:22Oh, Jacob.
18:24Oh, no.
18:25He can't be doing that.
18:26If there's anything on there of nudity, we can't see it.
18:29Is anyone naked?
18:31Uh-huh.
18:33He wasn't...he wasn't taking a serious.
18:36Oh, so who rattled on him?
18:37Sorry, no.
18:38If I went on to someone's Snapchat and saw me getting changed in the background...
18:41Yeah, but he said no one's getting changed in it.
18:42Although...
18:43You're suspended.
18:44Aww.
18:45Your mum's going to be fuming.
18:47I remember getting suspended from school years ago, and I had a ball.
18:52So it didn't work for me.
18:54There's just something I see in that face and those eyes that just wants to just be accepted.
19:01God bless him.
19:02Both me and Kevin, ADHD.
19:05But we can't just use that as an excuse if we're dickheads like.
19:08But you had a bit of support.
19:09Of course.
19:10I know that.
19:11I know that.
19:12You had a stable environment.
19:14Later, we rooted for Jacob as he was given a second chance.
19:18I actually think they're very fond of him.
19:20Oh, they are, yeah.
19:21You can see that, you know.
19:22Because they can see that he's a good old kid at the back of it all.
19:25See you later.
19:26Are you going to go straight out then?
19:28Don't kick anything.
19:30No child walks into a school and wants to misbehave.
19:35Get up, Jacob!
19:36There's always a reason for behaviour.
19:39I've never seen teachers being so passionate.
19:41Yeah.
19:42Yeah, it's very hard in situations like not to take your job home with you.
19:46I know.
19:47That's why I'd never be like a zookeeper or anything.
19:49I'd have them all living with me, all those animals and all.
19:52If you could go back in a time machine now, would you go back to when, like, I was in second year or something?
19:57No.
19:58I used to be able to cry on demand at the parent-teacher meetings.
20:01Did you cry at parent-teacher meetings?
20:03Oh, yeah.
20:04Oh, Mum.
20:05Oh, absolutely.
20:06We weren't that bad.
20:07For what?
20:08To get the sympathy on the teacher.
20:09Why the fuck would you do that?
20:10If they were giving out about you, I'd do my best with my lesbian.
20:14Just crocodile tears.
20:16Fucking tellin' me, bye.
20:21In Cork.
20:22What do you call an Irish lesbian?
20:25Dale.
20:26And her wife, Dawn.
20:28An Irish lesbian?
20:29Yeah.
20:30Gaelic.
20:34Where are you getting these from?
20:36Alright, quick fire.
20:38Tell me a dad joke.
20:39Go.
20:40Oh, God.
20:41You're normally really good at this.
20:42I don't know any.
20:43You're the queen of dad jokes.
20:44You're panicking.
20:45I don't know.
20:46That one joke is coming to my brain.
20:47Donny.
20:48One.
20:49No.
20:50Two.
20:51On Thursday, RTE1 took us house hunting on the west coast of Ireland.
21:04I'm Maggie Malloy and I'm back on the hunt for Ireland's best value properties.
21:19I love this.
21:20Cheap Irish houses, she's great.
21:21She's the world's happiest estate agent.
21:22Even in a tough housing market, it's still possible to find your ideal cheap Irish home.
21:32Jack, this is going to be so good for us.
21:34Oh.
21:35I need the inspo.
21:36You wouldn't do a fixer offer?
21:37No.
21:38I would, I think.
21:39If it's in the budget, why not?
21:41This week, I'm meeting Graham O'Brien and his fiancée, Ilenia de Mauro.
21:46Ilenia is originally from Italy and works as a dance teacher.
21:49Why would you move from Italy to Ireland?
21:51Sorry.
21:52Scusa.
21:53Our budget is 150,000.
21:56They said, no, they're not 150,000.
21:59You wouldn't even get a stamp in Dublin for that.
22:01In the show, we followed Graham and Ilenia's frugal search for a fixer upper.
22:06It has a guide price of 120,000 euro.
22:09This is awful.
22:10This looks like someone died in it multiple times.
22:12I like her walking into, like, a place where someone got murdered being like,
22:15I can set up a lovely little chat in here.
22:17What kind of a feel are you getting off it?
22:19Nice.
22:20Very close to Galway.
22:22So please make me happy.
22:23That's perfect, isn't it?
22:26Not for me, it wouldn't be.
22:28This looks like the old sitting room.
22:30Part of the chimney there looks like there's some kind of issue.
22:34Sitting room looks shit.
22:37This thing needs to be torn down to the foundations, to be honest, yeah.
22:41Imagine I got somewhere like that now, Dave.
22:43We're spending all of our Saturdays over in my house.
22:45If you bought the place this remote, you would see me twice a year.
22:50Looks like it was the old kitchen.
22:51Yeah, I would say so.
22:53Who paints that colour?
22:54I had that green in the kitchen at one stage.
22:57At least the bathroom is indoors.
22:59Yeah, and it's decent space.
23:01Finally we see the bathroom.
23:03It's actually right.
23:04It's the right size.
23:05Oh, look at this.
23:07We have double hours here.
23:08Oh my God.
23:09Can I just say that stain at the back of the wall looks like someone blew their hole out?
23:13Yeah.
23:14The world's largest shit explosion.
23:15That's where the toilet was.
23:16That's where the toilet was.
23:17I can see myself here.
23:18I can picture myself here with you.
23:21She's not from Italy.
23:22She is lying to us.
23:23She's putting on that accent.
23:25Why would she do that?
23:26I don't know.
23:27She's trying to get his money.
23:28Okay.
23:29Well, we have more houses to see.
23:31Can we hit the road?
23:32Okay.
23:33Option one.
23:35Give it a ranking out of ten.
23:37Five.
23:39Five.
23:40Later, the programme gave us a nosy at yet another structurally sound homestead.
23:46This secluded derelict cottage is well under budget with a guide price of 95,000 euro.
23:53That looks more haunted than the last.
23:55It's cheaper though.
23:56There's a leprechaun house, is it?
23:57What is this?
23:58A house for ants?
23:59Is it a house for leprechauns?
24:00We have the yards.
24:02We have all of the outbuildings surrounding us and around 0.8 of an acre of land.
24:07She's a haircut you'd trust.
24:09That's it as well.
24:10Fidelma?
24:11Yeah.
24:12Is that her name?
24:13No, she just looks like a Fidelma.
24:14There's nothing in front of us.
24:15He's a toilet.
24:17No.
24:18Yeah, no.
24:19There is no inside toilet.
24:20There is no inside toilet.
24:22Next.
24:23Squatting out the window and all hardly.
24:25Ew.
24:26That'd be wild.
24:27Why do I have to say it like that?
24:29So you need that extension?
24:31The fucking nail marks on the wall.
24:34Someone scratched the shit out of them walls.
24:36A flight in the life hour.
24:37It's on the market for 95,000.
24:39But they're very open to negotiation on that.
24:42Out of 10.
24:43Makes sense.
24:44Four.
24:45No, Conor.
24:46Out of two.
24:47That was horrible.
24:48I prefer the first one.
24:49I am more for the first one.
24:51But I love even the second one.
24:53Okay.
24:54And I'd be the reverse.
24:55They better give an update.
24:56I don't want to be left on the edge here.
24:57That's it.
24:58Aww.
24:59I'm sick.
25:00Do you know what I don't understand?
25:01What do you not understand?
25:02This show doesn't give me the same satisfaction as like watching Grand Designs where you get
25:10like an end result.
25:11It's just like, yeah, we had a look.
25:14Hopefully it goes well from...
25:15Book Delivery Sponsors Google Box Ireland.
25:28Book Delivery Sponsors Google Box Ireland.
25:32In Dun Laoghaire.
25:36You know obviously you can use the phone to...
25:38If you put up someone's face you can open it, right?
25:40Yes.
25:41Yes.
25:42Friends, David and John.
25:44But the phone detects when your face has lost a bit of its pigment.
25:48If I come over and find you dead, right?
25:50Yeah.
25:51And you've been dead, let's say, a day.
25:52So you're cold.
25:53So I'm like, okay...
25:54You can immediately go to my drawers and start running through them.
25:55Exactly.
25:56So you're dead a day.
25:57I'm like, I'm going to take an hour.
25:58I'm going to have a look around the place, right?
25:59And I want to have a look at your phone as well to go through all the messages.
26:01That I need to delete.
26:02Mm-hmm.
26:03But if I hold the phone up to your face, you're dead and cold.
26:06So if the phone...
26:07Will it not unlock?
26:08No.
26:09The biometrics won't unlock it.
26:10So you have to put a bit of...
26:11Bring along a little bit of makeup.
26:13And you put a bit of rouge on the face.
26:15So that the biometrics pick up what looks like blood flow again.
26:18And it'll open the phone.
26:19So just if you ever kill someone, just know that.
26:21See it now, like Donald coming into my dead body and you doing a full face of makeup on me.
26:26On Thursday, the news on RTE1 told us that our next door neighbour was having some visitors.
26:33Fuck, here we go.
26:34Yep.
26:35Now the final day of the US President's state visit to the UK is underway.
26:39Why are they hosting that feckin' Egypt?
26:42Donald Trump is like the ultimate American visitor you don't want.
26:46Oh my God.
26:47Do you know what I mean?
26:48Like it reminds me of back in the day when like a really fuckin' pain in the whole yank was coming.
26:52It was the high point of this state visit attended by notable figures from the world of politics, business and media.
27:01I'm actually so disappointed in Kate.
27:03She's there, isn't she?
27:04She's sitting beside him.
27:05At last night's state banquet in Windsor Castle, the US President described his visit to the UK as one of the highest honours of his life.
27:14This was the second state visit and that's the first.
27:19Charlie boy, where's the cheeseburgers?
27:22Where's the Big Macs?
27:23I am enraged by this.
27:24People are dying.
27:25They're having this big banquet.
27:27Like if this...
27:28Oh, how much does that cost?
27:30I'd love to know.
27:31For King Charles, careful diplomatic language was used about the needs to support Ukraine.
27:36How are Charles' fingers doing?
27:38Today, as tyranny once again threatens Europe...
27:43Does tyranny threaten Europe?
27:45Are we...
27:46There's something going on we don't know about?
27:48We and our allies stand together in support of Ukraine.
27:53He speaks with dignity.
27:55The other fella's only a tramp.
27:57Dignity?
27:58Seems like a posh prick to me.
27:59King Charles, as much as I hate the royal family, he's kind of a cool royal in a way, isn't he?
28:03Well, I suppose he's kind of liberal for a king.
28:07Didn't he think plants could talk?
28:09Yeah.
28:10Yeah.
28:11In the early hours of the morning, Donald Trump posted on social media to welcome news back in America that ABC had decided to take the US talk show host Jimmy Kimmel off air indefinitely over comments he made about the killing of conservative activist Charlie Kirk.
28:28We are moving into an authoritarian, dystopian society.
28:32I have seen this in The Handmaid's Tale.
28:34It doesn't end well.
28:35No, it doesn't.
28:36Jimmy Kimmel's not even that good, man.
28:37No, I don't really like Jimmy Kimmel, but I'm on his side this time.
28:40He's not funny at all, but it's not fair.
28:42Kirk got shot for the shite he was saying and he got fired for the shite he was saying.
28:46Yeah.
28:47Free speech.
28:48Some free speech country, isn't it?
28:49Oh, it's free speech as long as you're saying what I like.
28:52Yeah.
28:53Donald Trump described it as great news for America, adding that the host had zero talent.
28:58He's a no talent.
29:00He's got no talent.
29:01That's why he was fine.
29:02Do you really think that Donald Trump's actually tweeting himself?
29:05Yeah, he is.
29:06Do you think he's sitting there tweeting?
29:08Yeah, he definitely is.
29:09Really?
29:10He's a head on him, like.
29:11100%.
29:12Donald Trump will then board Air Force One and leave the UK, bringing to an end this historic
29:17second state visit.
29:18Well, good riddance.
29:19As a result of King Charles doing what he did, England will get an awful lot of more
29:24business from Trump, simply because he licked his arse, and that's what Trump loves.
29:30In Donegal, sisters, Barbara and Janet.
29:34I was going to oncology yesterday, and it was good news.
29:38Good.
29:39By time.
29:40They're delighted.
29:41But they're keeping me on the medication.
29:43Of course.
29:44But in January, I'm going to be eight years cancer free.
29:48Well, keep it up.
29:49Long may it last.
29:50Do you have a healthy lifestyle?
29:51I said, I'm not going through all that.
29:53I do whatever I want.
29:54I go wherever I want.
29:55Yeah.
29:56I drink and eat whatever I want.
29:57Oh, you've said that.
29:58So I'm over the moon about it.
29:59So roll on.
30:00Keep rolling.
30:01Keep going.
30:02This week, we streamed a documentary on Netflix that had us all a little at sea.
30:07What the fuck is that?
30:08A cruise ship.
30:09I'd love to go on a cruise now.
30:10No.
30:11Would you not?
30:12Poop.
30:13Poop.
30:14Cruise.
30:15I hate when Americans say poop.
30:16It's such a funny word.
30:17It's so stupid.
30:18It's such a funny word.
30:19It's so stupid.
30:20In the show, we got to see a very big boat and its very excitable passengers.
30:33Would you go on a cruise that size?
30:35Yeah, I did.
30:36It was wonderful.
30:37Oh, I wouldn't.
30:38No, no.
30:39I was getting married.
30:41It was my bachelorette party.
30:43Stag on a cruise.
30:44Look where I back crack.
30:45We all talked about it and discussed and decided that a cruise would be a fun way to celebrate.
30:50Let's go turn us off cruises.
30:51We've one booked.
30:52I know.
30:53Have a beautiful day on the Carnival Triumph.
30:56Perfect.
30:57Day two.
30:58Stay packed now.
30:59Now that would, that would, I would, that would not be my hope.
31:02Yeah.
31:03I would like to do a gay cruise, but I don't think it'd be very good for my self esteem.
31:05Those, they are fucking awful, Dave.
31:07Yeah, I know.
31:08Those circuit parties.
31:09Oh no, I wouldn't want one of them.
31:10No.
31:11Like nice drag.
31:12No.
31:13Later we watched as the passengers got a very unwelcome wake up call.
31:17I just remember opening my eyes and like looking around pitch black.
31:21Like what is going on?
31:23Wouldn't I think we hit an iceberg?
31:25Oh shit.
31:26The ship is on fire.
31:27Oh.
31:28While everyone was trying to figure out what to do, I would be looking for the life jacket
31:36and the boat.
31:37The boat.
31:38Get the first in the queue.
31:39Suddenly it went dark on the bridge.
31:42Everything's out.
31:43Oh, look at her eyebrows.
31:46And then somebody realized that the toilets weren't working.
31:53You need power for poop.
31:56We had to come up with a plan.
31:57This is not in the manual.
31:59So folks, you do need to do a number one everybody.
32:04You can do it in the shower.
32:06Absolutely not.
32:07I'm jumping off.
32:08How could you pee in the shower?
32:10Ugh.
32:11Everyone's peed in the shower.
32:14What we're going to do is we're going to deliver some red bags to all of the bathrooms on board.
32:21And if you do need to do a number two, we ask that you please do it in the red bag.
32:26My God.
32:27But what if you're in the middle of a number one and you're like, oh, surprise number two.
32:33Do you know what I mean?
32:34Yeah.
32:35That's the only option that we had.
32:36Do it in a plastic bag.
32:38What would you do if you had a shank in the bag?
32:41Would you shank in the toilet and pick it up in the bag?
32:43Or just aim for the bag?
32:45I guarantee my bowels would start rumbling.
32:48The second of the announcement.
32:50Literally.
32:51I need a poo.
32:53I'd be like, Des, hold the bag.
32:55She would, you know.
32:57She'd make me hold that around her arse.
33:00People were throwing their red bags on the lifeboards.
33:03Somebody threw the poop bag and the wind blew it back on somebody sitting on the open deck.
33:14You dirty thicker.
33:16The group next to us in Tent City, it was a newlywed husband and wife and they were having sex right in front of me on the chair.
33:22Riding?
33:23Yes?
33:24Get me on a cruise.
33:25Well, that's just nasty because no one's washed in like five days.
33:31Aren't fucking human beings my jokes aren't they?
33:35They just turn into animals.
33:36We are animals.
33:37Suddenly the weather turned for the worse.
33:42Oh, no.
33:43Oh, no.
33:44Oh, no.
33:45And that's the moment everything spilled.
33:49Oh, that poop.
33:50Yeah.
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah.
33:53It's like you think it can't get worse and then it gets worse.
33:56Imagine everything that goes in a toilet, right?
33:58Piss, shit, all of it.
34:00It's just, you know, it's everywhere.
34:03It's everywhere.
34:04Oh, my gosh.
34:05Look, look, look, look, look.
34:06Oh, mighty God.
34:08Oh, this is disgusting.
34:11Raw sewage water.
34:13Oh, no.
34:14Oh, no.
34:16Ugh.
34:17We were in excrement.
34:20Oh.
34:21Just sink that ship.
34:23Literally.
34:24At that point, I was like, just get me off the ship.
34:29I would not be able for this time.
34:31I can't.
34:32Walking in piss in a hall.
34:33Not only piss, piss that's soaked into a carpet.
34:36A spongy floored piss sponge.
34:38After eight traumatic days, we finally got to see the stricken cruiser reach dry land.
34:44Can you imagine the fucking bang off the air coming in that harbour?
34:49Passengers were given a full refund, transportation expense, and 500 payment.
34:54I'd be delighted with that.
34:56Full of shite?
34:57That's horrific.
34:58That's traumatic.
34:59Ah, we need to.
35:00We've often walked through shit.
35:02I have never walked through shit.
35:04Did you ever wheeling yourself accidentally?
35:05Yeah.
35:06Yeah.
35:07So that's walking in urine.
35:08Your urine.
35:09Yeah, but not everybody's urine.
35:12I'll come in until you put plastic bags on your feet.
35:14You'll be grand.
35:19Book delivery sponsors Gogglebox Ireland.
35:26Book delivery sponsors Gogglebox Ireland.
35:35In Betty's town.
35:37So, we went to the sauna when I was in Finland, right?
35:40Connor and his sister, Emma.
35:42But it was a naked sauna, and it was full of old men and women.
35:47And one of the lads that was in there collapsed, right?
35:49And there was this man, this Finnish man, in the nip, who was the first aid guy, comes running over, right?
35:58And I was like, oh, I can't take this.
36:00What is that meant to symbolise?
36:01I can't take this situation seriously.
36:04And he's bending over this poor chap on the ground.
36:07Imagine blacking out a sauna, and you wake up, and there's an old man's penis in your face.
36:12Because he was, like, squatting over him to make sure he was, like, breathing or whatever.
36:16That was traumatising.
36:17And that was traumatising for me.
36:18I cannot imagine how it felt for the man.
36:20How do you think I feel right now?
36:22On Wednesday morning, a simple question on Virgin Media 1 really hit home.
36:27Well, hello there.
36:28Hello, hello, hello, everybody.
36:30Hello.
36:31Well, hello there.
36:32What, Cat Tilly?
36:34I like El Bender.
36:35He seems to fit well.
36:37It's a good fit with Cat.
36:39Well, it's not Holly and Phil anymore.
36:41What?
36:42How long ago was that?
36:43Ages ago, sure.
36:44He was in trouble.
36:45I'll tell you what is an argument that definitely happens in our house.
36:48What about yours?
36:49And that's around the dishwasher.
36:51And how appallingly some people in my family continue to stack it despite the expert advice
36:56they get from me.
36:57Oh, I have so much to say about this.
36:59I have so much to talk about this.
37:01You are the worst person when it comes to the dishwasher.
37:04The dishwasher can't even function when you load it.
37:06It's a joke.
37:0761% of us argue over the stacking of the dishwasher.
37:13We don't argue, but we have words.
37:16You load the dishwasher so bad, Mum.
37:20It's not even funny.
37:22At least Alex just doesn't load it at all.
37:25But you load it so bad.
37:27Are we going to throw to our expert?
37:28Ah.
37:29So it's not just me telling you this.
37:30This is our expert, Grace Farrell.
37:32She looks like she's going to burst into an Irish dance or something.
37:35She does.
37:36She does.
37:37That's like a haunted doll.
37:38Grace, you can talk us through the do's and don'ts of stacking your dishwasher.
37:42Is that a dishwasher expert?
37:44Mother of God.
37:45You can make a career out of this.
37:46Out of what?
37:47Out of, like, teaching people how to stack this.
37:48I mean, she's a professional.
37:50I don't know.
37:51I'm going to tell you the right way to do it, while still maybe expressing a little bit
37:54of your personality.
37:55I'm not watching this.
37:56About a bleeding dishwasher.
37:59It's away from fecking dishes we want.
38:01Yeah.
38:02A bit of pee.
38:03Oh yeah, they're over the breakfast like.
38:04So I'm going to start with a question that lots of people always have and it's do you
38:07need to pre-rinse dishes before you put them in the dishwasher?
38:10Now, my answer is generally no.
38:13I've been saying that for years.
38:14I don't care what they say.
38:16If it was up to Dad, we'd fully wash the dishes before we put them into the dishwasher.
38:20Rinse them is all I ask.
38:21Now, I say anything that you drink out of would go in the top shelf.
38:26I come in from work and there's fucking glasses everywhere.
38:29How many glasses of Ribena does he have in, like, six hours?
38:32Emma, I checked the sink.
38:33You left a buttered knife in there from 8am just resting there.
38:37Very important, actually, is if you have plastics, I would put that in the top.
38:41Yeah, obviously.
38:42Don't say obviously because you don't do this.
38:46You don't.
38:47You put pots and pans up there, like, and then the thing can't close, Sarah.
38:51And you whack the door and then you just think all the things in there are going to move down and then function somehow.
38:57It's bullshit.
38:58I do kick the door close sometimes.
39:01Like, little plates like this are also fine.
39:04I mean, don't sort of stack them too close together.
39:06What I never understood was the cereal bowl in the top shelf.
39:09Top shelf.
39:10What's that about?
39:11Bowls can go in the top.
39:12Okay, nice.
39:13I'd do that.
39:14You lunatic.
39:16Anything that's really dirty, you want to be putting in the bottom.
39:21I would put them at the sides so that they're not obstructing.
39:24Oh, no!
39:25That's fucking yours!
39:26No, that's the plate drawer!
39:27That is terrible.
39:28That is so stupid.
39:29That's the only place you can get the big plates.
39:31She's doing it wrong.
39:32This expert isn't great or she's not.
39:34There's still plenty of space to get your cutlery in there.
39:37I think this is probably some of the stupidest TV I've ever seen in my life.
39:41Facts!
39:42Cutlery's important.
39:43Cutlery.
39:44Which way round do you put the cutlery?
39:45Yeah, up.
39:46Like, thing up, not down.
39:48Knives should always go facing down, okay?
39:51Knives always face down.
39:53Yeah!
39:55You put them in, like daggers, and I'll go in to then unload it.
40:00My hand's getting ripped apart because you've just put all the sharp things pointing this
40:04way and the little baby spoons going down.
40:06Great, can you just throw the dishwasher tablet in?
40:09Oh, well, this is a tricky one.
40:11If you can, I would put it in the drawer.
40:13I mean, if you can't put it in the little drawer, then yes, you can chuck it in.
40:16I do that.
40:17I throw it in like a bomb.
40:18See if I pack it really bad.
40:20I put one in the little dishwasher hole and I just throw an extra one in on the bottom.
40:24You're murdering the environment and you're murdering our electricity bill doing that every week.
40:29Yeah, but I'm happy.
40:30No, I'm not.
40:35In Carlow, mates.
40:37Greg, John and Eric.
40:39How would you make a new friend?
40:40I wouldn't.
40:41But how, like...
40:44That's the last thing I do.
40:46Like, making friends at this age is...
40:48Impossible.
40:49Yeah.
40:50But who wants to?
40:51No, I'm not saying...
40:52If I had no friend by now, I'm happy enough.
40:55Yeah, that's fair enough.
40:56Like, what are you doing?
40:57Well, what are you into?
40:58Yeah.
40:59Like, soccer and all.
41:00But how would you make a friend?
41:01Well, like, do work friends count?
41:03No, they're kind of...
41:04Like an actual friend they'd hang around with outside of work.
41:06Yeah.
41:07I don't know if I'd want to do that.
41:08Like, the same thing, like...
41:10I've enough.
41:11I've enough fucking yorks to go to, like...
41:13Imagine adding more yorks in.
41:15Yeah, that's true.
41:16Yeah, fair.
41:17This week, we caught up with the first episode of Sky Atlantic's gritty new crime drama.
41:26Oh, Mark, what flow is it?
41:27I love him.
41:28I love him.
41:29We watched as a weary agent Brandis was called in to work.
41:33What do you mean, concessions?
41:35Your side fucked itself in the ass with no lube.
41:39Well, they want me to put together a task force.
41:42I know. I'm sorry.
41:44He's a man of short stature, but he brings a lot of moxie.
41:47It's the weirdest review of an actor I've ever heard me like.
41:50What's the job?
41:51Sorry.
41:52There's been a spate of home invasions.
41:54Through DEA informants, we know of at least nine houses that have been hit.
41:58And of those nine, seven belong to members of a motorcycle gang.
42:02Well, surely the drug leaders didn't report her robbery-like.
42:05Yeah.
42:06They took our drug money.
42:08Unfair.
42:09There is no limit to the amount of TV shows I'll watch about an old, down-on-his-look detective solving a case.
42:16Yeah, I love it.
42:17In the show, we met a group of bin men looking to clean up in more ways than one.
42:21That one there.
42:24Careful.
42:26So basically, these guys are working, but they're keeping an eye on these drug dealers.
42:31They're drug dealers.
42:32So they're thinking of robbing them, basically.
42:35There's a period of my life where I actually wanted to be a bin man, you know?
42:39What happened?
42:40The smell was too much.
42:44We watched as the bin men ditched their truck and went for a nice evening drive.
42:49Oh, Jesus.
42:50That's scary.
42:51And these are gonna rob drug dealers.
42:52That's not a good meal.
42:53It is.
42:54No.
42:59Do you think boys do sit down with these every now and then?
43:01They do.
43:02I've asked the lads at work.
43:03One of the lads said when they were treating themselves.
43:05Oh!
43:10Oh!
43:11Where's the money?
43:12You're the one that's been causing all the problems, huh?
43:15Oh!
43:16I felt that.
43:18Let him put his penis away.
43:20Where's the money?
43:22I...
43:23I know that voice.
43:24I fucking know you, man!
43:26He's your bin man.
43:27Where's the fucking money?
43:29Just give them the money.
43:30Ah, no.
43:32This is not a bank.
43:34What the fuck?
43:36Oh, no.
43:37You're really fucked.
43:39Oh.
43:40Oh, Jesus.
43:41I would shit myself.
43:42This has fucking gone tits up.
43:47Hey, Dee, you ready?
43:53Where's all that?
43:54Oh, you're actually gonna break my finger.
43:57I'm real into this.
44:01Yeah, it's good.
44:04Oh, no.
44:05Is he alright?
44:07No.
44:12Behind you!
44:15Oh!
44:17Oh!
44:19Oh!
44:24Jesus.
44:25This is wild.
44:27Oh!
44:32Does this mean that we can't trust the bin men?
44:34I know our bin men are sound.
44:35There's nothing in our bins, anyway.
44:38Food and tampons.
44:43Is he checking his easy life?
44:44Yeah, Liz.
44:45He's checking brains around the wall.
44:46Oh!
44:47Oh!
44:48Oh, this just keeps getting worse.
44:49Are you my dad's friends?
45:03Hi.
45:07Do you hear fireworks?
45:08What the fuck?
45:09Oh, my God.
45:10Oh, my God.
45:12Have you seen their faces?
45:13No, you can't kill them.
45:14Leave.
45:15Shave your hair and your beard.
45:16He won't know.
45:17Shoot them.
45:18Oh, David!
45:19You have to shoot them.
45:21Later, we could barely watch as Agent Brandis arrived to comb over the crime scene.
45:26Please, don't tell me they killed that little boy.
45:32This is a dead child.
45:37But there's no child.
45:38They took the boy.
45:40They never.
45:41Did they?
45:42This is fucked up.
45:44Yeah.
45:51Oh, my God.
45:52No way.
45:56Oh, thank God.
45:57This is your home now.
45:58You're going to have to adopt him and make him into a tiny gang member.
46:01No, no, you shouldn't.
46:02No, a tiny gang member.
46:06They become two dads.
46:07The new movies.
46:08Them being progressive parents.
46:10That's a rogue plot.
46:14Laughter, suspense, and daring feats abound as contestants test limits, while celebrities
46:19predict their results.
46:21Family entertainment guaranteed.
46:23You bet on tour.
46:24Continue Saturday at 8 on Virgin Media Play and one.
46:43しまああ.
46:51Humanities
46:52There's nothing but fun.
46:53Noным, you can't shop chemo.
46:54We don't need to go with those.
46:55But the story is not only for me.
46:56No.
47:01The disclaimer at 8 ončaj.
47:02Thedit me.
47:04The concern we're about to hang a now.
47:09We have 사냥.
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