- 6 weeks ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Hi, here before you sits the modest and likeable TV pioneer Mickey Wagner.
00:08Today, of course, with new, saucy treats from the Warwicks.
00:11The American family next door that I have under 24-hour surveillance.
00:15Without their knowledge, of course.
00:18It is now well known that Dennis Warwick is the worst lover in the world.
00:2222 fucking seconds.
00:25But because Catherine has no means of comparison, she obviously doesn't know what she's missing.
00:29Or maybe not?
00:31She seems to be very interested in Craig, a colleague of Dennis, and his hidden treasure.
00:36He's a total womanizer and constantly talks about his conquests.
00:39Catherine's friend Mary has received a new assignment from the newspaper for which she regularly writes.
00:44You'll both be shocked, but imagine the newspaper sending me to an SKK colony.
00:49What?
00:50The network insisted that I heat up the show more.
00:52So I hacked into Dennis's work computer to create a little excitement in his office.
00:57Some of our clients, whom you serve, have contacted me and complained about various booking errors.
01:03That's impossible.
01:05I sent J-Mo out with the glasses camera, which completely backfired.
01:08If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was following me.
01:11And secondly, we shave your beard and your head.
01:12No, we'll stop your whole shitty look right away.
01:14In case, God forbid, Catherine Warwick should ever see you again.
01:18Shave your head?
01:19And I hired actresses to try to seduce the good, square Dennis into adultery.
01:26How would you convince me to cheat on you now?
01:29And action!
01:30As you can see, I have a lot on my plate right now.
01:32On top of that, I'm very distracted at the moment because my ex-fornian, Natascha, is now dating an idiot named Mac.
01:38I think I'm just having bad luck right now.
01:40Everything is against me.
01:41Well, it could be worse.
01:43I could be Dennis Warwick.
01:44I hope we don't lose the customer, sir.
01:47I really do my best.
01:48See for yourself! Take a look inside!
01:50I don't know what to say.
01:52I'm speechless!
01:52So, I stay late every night and get these numbers in order.
01:56And every time I go, the numbers are correct.
01:58And then when I get it the next morning...
01:59They are not correct.
02:00Unfortunately, they are not correct.
02:02Yes, I see that you are incorrect.
02:04But the strange thing about it is something else.
02:06When I check you in the morning, the numbers are completely wrong again.
02:09You know, the only reason I'm sticking my neck out for you is because you've been with the company for so long, Dennis.
02:13That's very kind and I appreciate it, sir.
02:15I listen to the complaints every day.
02:17Yes, I'm just embarrassed because I don't know what to say because I want to cover for you.
02:20You're walking on thin ice.
02:22Very thin ice, you understand? I can't protect you in the long run.
02:26Of course, sir.
02:26They've been with us for so long and have always been loyal, and I appreciate that.
02:29But I have to talk to the customers and that is incredibly embarrassing.
02:32And not just for me personally, but for the entire company.
02:34It would be a disaster to lose this customer.
02:37I'm just as embarrassed, sir.
02:38Bend that back in place.
02:40Please, fix this.
02:43You're filming us again, right?
02:50No, I don't.
02:50Cool, Jane.
02:52Of course, you're lying.
02:53No, really not.
02:54This means that we are not being filmed by a single camera.
02:57Correctly.
02:58What nonsense, I can tell when you're lying you always blink.
03:01I can see that in your face.
03:02Okay, I'm lying.
03:03OK.
03:03It's true, we are being filmed right now.
03:04Yes, of course.
03:05But that doesn't seem to bother you.
03:06You never wear this much makeup, so you expected it.
03:08You know what?
03:09I have a meeting later, so I need makeup, but whatever, okay, whoever.
03:13And how is the show going?
03:15Well, the show got off to a really good start.
03:17A number of interpersonal dramas have already developed.
03:21Dennis Warwick, the father, is having problems at work because discrepancies arise in his accounting.
03:26What?
03:27This can't be true.
03:28And even his marriage is put to the test.
03:31Here is my card.
03:32Please promise to call me.
03:34Suddenly women find him attractive and flirt with him, which makes his wife suspicious.
03:38Why the hell are you hiding condoms in your gym bag?
03:41And daughter Amy is completely out of sorts since she realized that her boyfriend is making out with her best friend behind her back.
03:46Oh my God!
03:47Wow, the other day you said they were totally boring.
03:50Now it seems to be developing into a small side opera.
03:52Or even time.
03:53But the people from the station are still breathing down my neck.
03:55Now I'm supposed to follow an unimportant supporting actress with my camera crew just because she's spending a week doing research in a nudist colony.
04:01Of course these render guys are into the cheapest shit.
04:04Send a camera crew with this friend of Catherine's and go to the nudist colony.
04:09Maybe this will result in some hot extra scenes.
04:11Good idea.
04:11Something snarky to play during the credits.
04:15Great idea. Great. Great, let's do it.
04:17I sent J-Mo there.
04:19Oh, poor J-Mo, you're mean.
04:22Yes!
04:24Yes, again.
04:24But the real reason for our meeting is that I need some advice on who.
04:34Okay, what's this about?
04:35Of course, it’s about Natascha.
04:36Well, I already told you the other day what you should do about Natascha.
04:39Block her on Facebook, unfollow her on Twitter, delete her number, and accept that she's done with it. Got it?
04:45I would, but it's not that easy.
04:48Great.
04:48As you know, she's dating this guy named Mac. But I know Mac is cheating on her.
04:53And how do you know that?
04:55Where from? I'll show you.
04:56Yes!
05:05Yes!
05:12Yes, tighter!
05:15You know, oh...
05:18Okay, I'll tell you something.
05:20You've reached a new low. It can't get any lower.
05:22Oh, come on, whoa.
05:23What do you mean, come on?
05:24You're using the network's money and the production company's staff and equipment to spy on your ex?
05:30And then you send a slut like that to fuck her boyfriend?
05:32Do you have a quirk?
05:33Well, when you put it like that, it sounds pretty crazy.
05:35First of all, she's not a slut, she's a porn star.
05:38And secondly, it could give her a breakthrough. Anyway.
05:41I still have feelings for Natascha and want to win her back.
05:43And I hope that if I show her this and prove that Maxi is cheating...
05:46...goes, she leaves him and she goes with me again.
05:49Not only will she not want to go back to you, but she'll also hate you with all her heart. Forever.
05:53Why can't you forget the whole story?
05:56If I took this for you, leave Natascha alone and just forget about it.
05:59You finally have your own show that's getting you back in business, and all you can think about is that stupid little chick?
06:04Oh, grow up already.
06:09By now I was pretty stressed.
06:10The whole Natascha story was just ridiculous.
06:13I'm much better than that idiot.
06:15It's bad enough that the broadcaster is putting a gun to my chest.
06:19I gradually woke something up.
06:20What can I absolutely not stand?
06:22Bacon and cheese.
06:23Then why are you getting me a bacon, egg, and cheese burrito?
06:25I screwed up.
06:28My stress was transmitted to the entire team.
06:30Pichser!
06:32Afterward!
06:33Ass!
06:41You stupid idiot!
06:42Apologize, please!
06:44Please apologize!
06:45Ass!
06:45Kick yourself hard in the face!
06:47Sit down!
06:49And you're both fired.
06:51And what we had to see here day in and day out wasn't exactly very helpful either.
07:01Amy?
07:03May I come in?
07:06OK.
07:06Everything OK?
07:14No!
07:17Should I bring you something to eat?
07:20I'm not hungry.
07:22I'm sorry you feel so miserable.
07:26Heartbreak is one of those feelings you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
07:30Do you want to talk about it?
07:32There's nothing to talk about.
07:34Oh, the poor little thing.
07:37She'll survive.
07:38I don't know if I'll survive this boredom.
07:41Boredom?
07:41I think it's really sweet, an intimate father-daughter conversation about their very first heartbreak.
07:46I think the female audience will be totally captivated.
07:49Yes, perhaps.
07:51I know how terrible you feel.
07:53But maybe nothing better could have happened to you.
07:57You now have the freedom to go to Harvard and meet someone new.
08:01And who knows, maybe you'll even meet the love of your life there.
08:07You would never have been open to this if that hadn't happened.
08:09But I don't want to meet anyone new.
08:11Okay, how could she do this to me?
08:13How could he do this to me?
08:15Stacy was like a sister to me.
08:17Why do people do this, Dad?
08:18Well, the two have now shown their true colors.
08:22Be glad you figured it out.
08:24You can now look forward.
08:26I, I wouldn't waste another second on those two idiots.
08:29They deserve it.
08:31Honey, you're much better than them.
08:35Isn't that what you wanted?
08:36An interpersonal drama?
08:38Yes, but something is still missing.
08:40An additional element.
08:41And what?
08:42I have no idea, but sitting here and watching her cry in her bed day in, day out,
08:46is a snowy tragedy.
08:48I find this really interesting.
08:50You're a woman too.
08:51Yes, but I had a similar experience when I was her age.
08:53Yes?
08:54I had my first heartbreak and you know what my dad said?
08:56What?
08:57Nothing, he was never there.
09:00That would definitely have been more interesting.
09:02And then it hit me.
09:03I know what Amy needs.
09:05A new friend.
09:06I don't eat turnips, I don't eat meat at all.
09:14But someone must have eaten them and you have barbecue sauce on your pants.
09:17This is blood.
09:18Leave him alone.
09:19He stayed in the bathtub with me all night, nibbling on something else.
09:23Damn, what were you doing in the bathtub?
09:25If you idiots don't shut up now, I'll blow your heads off.
09:32Yvonne Morticello.
09:33She is the solution to Amy's dilemma.
09:36A while ago, I produced a reality show that never aired.
09:44It was about teenagers in quarantine.
09:46A cheap Big Brother up-slap.
09:48We pretended that a group of teenagers had a virus and were therefore not allowed to leave the house.
09:52A terrible show.
09:54But one of the actresses was truly stunning.
09:56Her name is Yvonne Morticello.
10:01Yvonne was there for all the fun.
10:03A real team player.
10:04Plus, she looks young enough to easily pass as a high school-aged girl.
10:08If we get Yvonne into Amy's school, she can become friends with her.
10:12And be exactly the positive influence Amy needs right now.
10:16Additionally, Yvonne is a gymnast and would be a great fit for the cheerleading squad after Stacy left the team in disgrace.
10:21What do you want here, you lousy bitch?
10:26No, you don't understand.
10:27It's not what you think.
10:28It just happened.
10:29Are you crazy, showing up after what you did to Amy, you idiot?
10:33Go home and kill yourself.
10:34My God, I'm so sorry, okay?
10:37I feel terrible and I...
10:38I've tortured myself enough with this.
10:40Then you stupid chicks won't have to torture me any more.
10:42Yes, go home.
10:44Yes!
10:44Run away!
10:45Run to mommy!
10:47And don't let me get distracted here again.
10:50Cry, you bitch!
10:56I met Yvonne for dinner to persuade her to join my show.
10:59She was easy to convince.
11:01I think it's great.
11:02And who knows that I'm not a real student?
11:05Nobody knows and nobody must ever find out.
11:07The students, the teachers, the school administration, everyone has to believe that you are a real student.
11:11Like 21 Jump Street.
11:15Yes, just like 21 Jump Street.
11:17You will work undercover.
11:18And your mission is to become friends with a girl named Amy as quickly as possible.
11:23Okay, so what's she like?
11:24Well, very decent, a real good girl, but also very vulnerable.
11:28She is currently suffering from severe heartbreak, is naive, and is extremely easily influenced.
11:32Enter Yvonne.
11:33Should I bring out her wild side?
11:35Exactly, but it won't be easy.
11:37The little girl doesn't drink alcohol, has never smoked, doesn't take drugs, and has never had sex.
11:42Oh, shit, all right.
11:45With Yvonne Morticello on board, I was absolutely certain that little Amy the Wood Sauce wouldn't ruin my show again.
11:50Next, I focused on my main character, Dennis.
11:54With my Operation Conflict, I wanted to make him increasingly insecure and on his guard.
11:58That's the only way I could get the most drama out of it.
12:01Dennis the Snorer.
12:03Hi, Craig.
12:04What's up, dude?
12:05How are you?
12:06Oh man.
12:09Today I hate my job.
12:10Do you know anything like that?
12:11I hate him right now too.
12:12Tonfish again today?
12:14A question.
12:15Go ahead, buddy.
12:17Do you have any problems with your computer or software?
12:23Problems?
12:23No.
12:24Do you have a virus or something?
12:25I don't know, but the balance sheets aren't as accurate as they should be.
12:29Oh, so there are some strange numbers in there.
12:31There are some pretty strange numbers in there, yes.
12:32All my calculations, which I always check three or sometimes even four times, are suddenly all wrong.
12:41So they go to the customers and they complain to Stonecipher, who calls me into his office and gives me a piece of his mind.
12:48Oh man.
12:49That's completely wrong.
12:50Have you had the IT department check it with error analysis and such?
12:53Do you still get strange numbers?
12:55Something strange always comes out.
12:57And I'm slowly starting to think...
12:59What?
13:02What do you think it is?
13:04I think that...
13:05Probably someone...
13:08...allowed me to play a joke.
13:12Maybe that stupid Pepperson from Farmington Mewtwo, man.
13:16I don't even know who this Pepperson...
13:16The guy who always sits in the paint machine.
13:18This guy is really a...
13:19He's really ridiculous, a real jerk.
13:21You think that the...
13:22I have no idea, man.
13:23But if we're going to get paranoid here, let's get really paranoid.
13:25I don't want to become paranoid.
13:27I'm just trying to find a solution without getting involved.
13:29This isn't about ghosts or anything.
13:31But it feels that way.
13:33Do you think your wife...
13:34No, it was always...
13:35The idea sounds real to a woman.
13:36It was always the perfect marriage.
13:37Until a few days ago.
13:39Aha!
13:40Hit!
13:44Oh my God, one more!
13:48That's not it.
13:49Come.
13:51Where are the documents?
13:57I'm going crazy here.
14:16Hi.
14:18Um, nothing happened.
14:21Every Tuesday, Amy volunteers in the school office.
14:27She gets extra points for helping out during the lunch break.
14:30This is one of the privileges of nerd students.
14:33Knowing this, I arranged for the new student to arrive on Tuesday afternoon.
14:37Oh, Amy.
14:38Are you busy right now?
14:40No, Mr. Gaines.
14:40Good.
14:41I would like to introduce you to Yvonne Morticello.
14:44Yvonne is a new student here at Mid-Centro.
14:46Yvonne, this is Amy Warwick.
14:48I am very pleased.
14:49Thank you too.
14:49Amy, would you please be so kind as to take Yvonne on a short tour of our hallowed halls?
14:54Yes, of course.
14:55Thanks.
14:55So even today we still use some terms from the time of the American Revolution.
15:03Teabagging.
15:04This is relevant because the political situation...
15:08Hi, Mr. Rodoski.
15:09Oh, hello.
15:10This is my new student, Yvonne Morticello.
15:13This is Mr. Rodoski, our English teacher.
15:16He's great.
15:17Very pleased.
15:18Football.
15:19I love football.
15:21Doesn't it work?
15:21Me too.
15:22I absolutely love reading.
15:24Oh my God, I love reading too.
15:27Do you like cheerleading?
15:29I prefer dancing.
15:30Honest?
15:31Yes.
15:32Cool.
15:32We also dance a lot.
15:33Oh yes?
15:34So, here is our auditorium.
15:37For debates, demonstrations...
15:42Um...
15:43Okay, come with me, I'll show you the sports field now.
15:45Everything OK?
15:48Yes, I've been very reluctant to go in here lately.
15:52Um, this just upsets me.
15:55I don't mean to pry, but you look exactly like I did the other day when I realized my best friend and my asshole boyfriend were making out behind my back.
16:04Really bad, right?
16:06Is that true?
16:07Because the exact same thing just happened to me.
16:10That's a really strange coincidence.
16:13I don't believe in coincidences, but in fate.
16:17How did you find out?
16:19I caught her here, backstage.
16:21Oh, honestly, I'm sorry.
16:24Me in the bathtub my parents when they thought I was sleeping.
16:27This is terrible.
16:30And now everything okay?
16:31Yes, yes, I'm fine.
16:32Yeah, I mean, it's good when the trash is out, right?
16:36No idea.
16:37I'm still far from over it.
16:40When I caught her, he swore to me that it was over with her and that he had really messed up and that I was the love of his life.
16:46Please, please forgive me.
16:50No!
16:51Baby, please.
16:53Please.
16:54I'm really confused.
16:57That's totally typical.
16:58Whatever you do, don't fall for this pity tour.
17:01Honestly.
17:03Looks like I came to just the right place.
17:06We two should have a long talk sometime.
17:09I don't understand, that can't be true.
17:13This damn software.
17:15That just doesn't make sense.
17:17Surprise.
17:18Hey.
17:19Hi.
17:19What are you looking for here?
17:21Well, my dear.
17:21Hi.
17:23I have the documents for Amy's student loan with me, which need to be sent today.
17:26You were supposed to sign it this morning.
17:29I'm sorry.
17:30It's nothing.
17:31My head is just miles away from my body.
17:34Everything OK?
17:34Well, I'm still looking for the cause of these absolutely strange errors.
17:39Hey, womanizer, we're all going to Applebee's and...
17:43We...
17:43Hello.
17:45Dennis, you didn't say we had visitors.
17:48Uh, Craig, this is my wife Catherine.
17:50Catherine, this is my young colleague Craig.
17:52Colleague, probably her best friend.
17:54Hi.
17:54Hi.
17:55Nice to meet you.
17:55Dennis has already told me so much about you.
17:57Glad to hear it, Craig.
18:00Oh, oh.
18:01Craig.
18:01Oh, yes, I've heard a lot about you too.
18:05Such big things?
18:08Huh?
18:09This Craig?
18:10Those must be his condoms.
18:14Wow.
18:14She is really lovely.
18:16Whatever you've heard, they're lies, okay?
18:19I wouldn't believe a word that clown says.
18:21He was the office's mouthpiece for two years in a row.
18:23That is not true.
18:24Sorry for the interruption, but I actually wanted to meet your husband
18:28like every day for lunch.
18:31But I already know his answer.
18:32No thanks, dude.
18:33I'd rather stick with my tuna today.
18:36We'll never get him to come with us.
18:37So you say that every day?
18:40I don't think I sound the same and I certainly don't use the word age,
18:44but the core message is correct, yes.
18:46Hey, you should come along, Catherine.
18:48Second.
18:49Good idea.
18:50Let's get going right now.
18:52Gladly.
18:52Let's all go eat.
18:54That, that, that sounds great.
18:55I am almost starving and I don’t have to go anywhere until my four o’clock appointment at the dentist.
18:58more there.
19:02I guess it can't hurt.
19:04Well, you see.
19:04Second.
19:05Are you really sure?
19:06Yes that's me.
19:07Oh my god, we got him.
19:09I can't believe we'll ever get this guy out of his office, huh?
19:12Like Dracula going into the sun, right?
19:15Come on, high five.
19:16OK.
19:17Lunch, then.
19:18Meet me downstairs in five minutes, okay?
19:20All right, I was happy.
19:22Well then, buddy, see you soon.
19:24Crazy guy.
19:27Did he just call you a womanizer?
19:29Why does he say such a thing?
19:31Oh, he's just saying that for fun.
19:35Yes, it really is.
19:38Really funny.
19:39You really have to go there with him sometime.
19:41Two weeks all inclusive, even with massages.
19:44A swimming pool where you can enjoy your drinks.
19:46Massages?
19:47Massages.
19:47And the best part is, there is now a brand new private beach.
19:50Well, I wasn't expecting that, but okay.
19:53I'm glad to see that the condoms have piqued our frustrated Catherine's curiosity.
19:58And Yvonne is also off to a promising start.
20:00I knew she would immediately win the trust of naive Amy.
20:03And my clever plan to seduce Dennis into having someone else's child by introducing him to sexy babes is also slowly taking off.
20:09Dennis has never had much success with women.
20:11It's only a matter of time before this stuffy, upright guy gets deeper and deeper into unfamiliar territory.
20:18Is one of them more mature than the other?
20:22I mean, how do you know?
20:24Should you press it?
20:27You know, that's, uh, you have to smell the stem.
20:32OK.
20:32That's the stalk, you see?
20:35And you can also just tap the melon.
20:38OK.
20:38Something like this.
20:39Yes.
20:40If you shake it a little, you can even hear the seeds and then you know it's ripe.
20:45So?
20:45Yes, right. Shake the melons. Yes, I can listen.
20:51Smell or listen? Oh!
20:53Sorry, I didn't mean to touch your melons.
20:55Oh, thank you very much.
20:58It was nice to see you again.
21:02Oh, look at the cucumber.
21:07No sense of timing at all. Right under Catherine's nose? Please.
21:11Okay, we still have Zoe, Anne and Francesca in the game.
21:14I'm sure one of you will bring Dennis out of his shell.
21:17I know what you're thinking right now.
21:19You're probably thinking this is all totally staged and manipulated and absolutely not real.
21:24Trust me.
21:25Because I have already hosted several dozen reality shows.
21:28And they are all totally manipulated.
21:30Totally manipulated.
21:32The worst thing I ever did was that shit show about Real Stripper Moms in South Beach.
21:36So, what did you get Duggy for his birthday?
21:54Birthday?
21:55This week on South Beach's Real Stripper Moms.
21:58Twyla learns that Constance didn't invite little Joey to Duggy's birthday party.
22:03Why didn't she invite me?
22:05I've known her for ten years now.
22:08That's all.
22:09I'm hot and damn pretty.
22:10But when Twyla shows up with Joey anyway...
22:14Sorry, bitch.
22:16Have fun in the hip castle.
22:18...the kids' shit is hitting the fan.
22:20You old f***, what are you doing here?
22:22We've been friends for years and this is how you treat me and my son?
22:25Are you jealous if she finds me hotter than I look fat?
22:28Jealous?
22:28No, I'm not allowed to do that.
22:30I hate you!
22:41Steven only wants me!
22:43This week on South Beach's Real Stripper Moms.
22:47Most of these women didn't even have children.
22:50No, this show is different.
22:52I assure you of one thing.
22:53I would not go through with this show if I was not 100% convinced
22:58that everything you see here is absolutely, inexorably and unmistakably real.
23:05Oh, one more thing.
23:07The station wanted fresh meat.
23:09Here are the shots from J-Mo, who followed Marys for nudist colony.
23:13I apologize in advance.
23:14That would be crazy.
23:29Yes, yes, yes, yes.
23:59Yes Yes Yes.
24:29And with all my heart.
24:31What?
24:32I'm sorry.
24:34I am so sorry.
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