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00:00.
00:30Now you're here
00:37And now I know just where I'm going
00:40No more doubts or fears
00:42I'm on my way
00:46Nice to see you, to see you now
01:00Thank you so much, good evening and welcome to the show
01:02And I'm so excited about my two guest stars this evening
01:05I'm going to get straight in and introduce them
01:08Anyway, they're two comedians
01:09And I'm not allowed to get too many laughs tonight
01:11But I'll be thinking
01:13Ladies and gentlemen, first of all
01:15The most eligible bachelor in show business
01:17The very talented Dudley Moore
01:19There he is, Dudley Moore
01:34Good evening, girls
01:35Leave him alone, leave him alone
01:39There's nothing, girls
01:41Any more rattle tickets?
01:43Hold on, I mean, what's going on?
01:44What's going on?
01:45We're buying rattle tickets
01:46How much are they?
01:48Shilling
01:48Oh, good, what's fair's prize?
01:49Uh, me
01:50Well, between you and me, that's a good idea
01:54But between you and this one, it's almost impossible
01:57Well, it wasn't last
01:59Oh, sorry
02:00No, look, will you leave him alone and get off?
02:02Get off, go on, all of you, get off
02:04And then
02:05Not you, Dudley, come back
02:07Come back
02:07I'm terribly sorry, sir
02:09I'm coming on here with all these birds around you
02:12Turn the thing into a Roman party of some sort
02:15I'm terribly sorry
02:16All right
02:16Well, look, just behave yourself
02:18Because now I'm going to introduce you to our next guest star
02:20That great big fool himself
02:22Tommy Cooper
02:24Thank you
02:38Thank you
02:39Thank you
02:40Thank you, everyone
02:41Thank you
02:41Thank you
02:42Thank you
02:42Thank you
02:43Thank you
02:43Thank you
02:44Thank you
02:44Thank you
02:45Thank you
02:45Thank you
02:46Thank you
02:47Thank you
02:47Thank you
02:48What's she doing over here?
02:48Take card, take card, take card
02:50Take card, take card
02:51Look at the card, look at the card
02:52Don't tell me, don't tell me
02:53Right, double it?
02:54Double it
02:55Right
02:56Road to flat, road to flat, back to 40
02:57Road to flat, back to 40
02:59Add 20
03:00Add 20
03:01The date of the year?
03:02The date of the year
03:03What's the name of the card?
03:04The 270 in the club
03:08What do you do with that ring? You're in the wrong city
03:10It should be over there
03:14What a ridiculous voice
03:15You're right, shut up
03:16Uh, Bruce
03:18Bruce
03:19Well, hold on
03:22Oh, look, don't leave me here alone
03:24I'm sorry, but I'm working under a sort of a handicap and he's over there
03:28Bruce, Bruce
03:31What's that, Tom?
03:32What do you keep running away for?
03:33Well, you see, I've got my other guest star over there
03:35Uh, Bruce
03:36Hold on
03:39Where's Bruce?
03:40I'm Bruce
03:41No, you're Toby, where's Bruce?
03:42No, I'm...
03:43Look, I can't do two shows at the same time
03:45Will you come over here?
03:46Will you just come over here?
03:47All I want to do is, is just get us all together
03:50That's much better
03:56Much better
03:58Much better
04:00Ow!
04:01Oh, ah, shame
04:03Yeah, you see, everything would have been alright for you to come on properly in the first place
04:06Well, there's no harm done
04:07Well, I know there's no harm done
04:08Yeah, I know there's no harm done
04:09Alright, Dad
04:10I think I've made a great mistake
04:13What's wrong?
04:14Well, if you inspect the television camera, you'll feel that I've only just got my head in
04:20Oh, alright, but look, when I talk to you, I'll sort of come down like this
04:23When I can talk to you, alright?
04:24Absolutely
04:25Fine
04:26Well, I'll try to please
04:27How about you, Tom, alright?
04:28Yeah, if you don't mind me talking through my navel
04:33Well, look, when I talk to you, I'll sort of come up here, alright?
04:36That's better
04:37Fine, that's better
04:38That's better, fine
04:39Look, I've come again
04:40Alright, Dad, don't lose your head
04:41Don't lose your head
04:42I've lost mine now
04:44Look, why don't you take the camera back?
04:45Get the camera back, then we can all get in and relax
04:47Oh, that's better, that's better
04:48That's better
04:49Alright, Tom?
04:50I thought you'd feel better
04:51Fine, alright with you, Dad?
04:52No
04:53What's the matter now?
04:54I'm getting neck ache
04:55Oh, look, amuse yourself down there
04:57Just think about it
04:58Amuse yourself down there for a few seconds
05:00And if you want to ask a question
05:01Just give us a nudge
05:02We'll lift you up and you can say something
05:03It's the best I can do
05:04Alright?
05:05That's what we can do
05:06Fine
05:07Just give me a nudge and a kneecap
05:13I've got more like that
05:16I want to say something
05:17Oh, do you? Oh, he wants to say something
05:18Right, right
05:21What do you want to say, Dad?
05:22Oh, big head
05:25I'm not going to lift you up here
05:26And talk to my other guest star like that
05:28Oh, he started it
05:29Did he?
05:30I have one more thing to say
05:32Well, I wish you'd hurry up
05:33Are you going
05:34What?
05:35Would you let me down?
05:36Certainly
05:37It's no good, Tom
05:38We'll have to come down to his level
05:40You see, bend down a bit
05:41Oh, yeah
05:42And we'll have to talk like that
05:43Alright? Alright with you, Dad?
05:44Yes, a bit of a thing
05:45Fine, I thought you'd be happy
05:46How about you, Tom? Alright?
05:47No, my knees are killing me
05:48Oh
05:49Make me laugh
05:50Seriously
05:51Now, look
05:53I don't think this is going to work somehow
05:55Well, may I make a suggestion?
05:57Of course
05:58Oh, why don't we make use of perspective?
06:00Who's he?
06:02How tall is he?
06:03No, perspective
06:04You see, the further away you are from things
06:06The taller
06:07The smaller they look
06:08Like telegraph pills
06:09I mean, you're rather like a telegraph
06:10I mean, you're rather like a telegraph
06:11You know, it's so nice
06:15I knew this would happen with a pair
06:20Look, it's so nice
06:22To have an intelligent person on the show for a change
06:25Thank you very much
06:26Get off
06:27You stay here
06:28I know what you mean
06:29I'm the next telegraph pole
06:30I'm the next tour
06:31You're the biggest
06:32You see
06:33Fine, there we are
06:34There you see
06:35Absolutely the same size
06:36Yeah, marvellous
06:37Marvellous
06:38Bruce
06:39What did he say?
06:41He just said we're all the same size
06:42Oh
06:43What did he say?
06:44He just said what did he say?
06:46No, I just said that
06:47What did he say, Bruce?
06:48He said he just said that
06:50No, I said that
06:51What did he say?
06:52He just wants to know what you're saying
06:54I haven't said anything yet
06:56What did he say, Bruce?
06:57He just said he wants to know what you're saying
06:59Well, he said that I saw his lips move
07:01I know
07:02No, he's got to say
07:03No, you said what you're saying
07:04He said that
07:05I know
07:06He's talking about the move
07:07You're like a couple of kids!
07:10Is that something? What do you say?
07:14Right, get on there.
07:16Well, all right, I don't mind.
07:17Not you!
07:18In!
07:20Right.
07:21Oh, Stanley, boy, I know you now.
07:23Yeah, all right, nice to see you.
07:24No, no, no, I'm not in at all!
07:26I'm not in at all!
07:28It's been time to get you off ever since we came on.
07:30Well, that's nice.
07:31Well, you can push off, mate, you can push off!
07:33Well, what about me?
07:34You can push him off!
07:35Oh, well, I didn't do that.
07:36All right, we're going to get...
07:37All right, here we go, all right!
08:05On a wonderful day like today
08:10I defy any cloud to appear in the sky
08:14Dare any raindrop to plop in my eye
08:18On a wonderful day like today
08:21On a wonderful morning like this
08:25When the sun is as big as a yellow balloon
08:30Even the sparrows are singing in tune
08:34On a wonderful morning like this
08:37On a morning like this
08:39I could kiss everybody
08:41I'm so full of love and goodwill
08:44Say, furthermore, I'd adore everybody
08:48To come and dine the pleasure's mine
08:50And I will pay the bill
08:52May I take this occasion to say
08:55That the whole human race should go down on its knees
09:00Show that we're grateful for mornings like these
09:04On a wonderful day like today
09:07Hey!
09:09Go, hey, wait
09:11Go, hey!
09:12Go, hey!
09:15Go, hey, wait
09:17Go, hey.
09:18Go, hey, wait
10:20Let me say, furthermore, I'd adore everybody to come and dine.
10:27The pleasure's mine and you will pay the bill.
10:29Yes, come and dine.
10:30The pleasure's mine and you can in your bill.
10:35May I take this occasion to say that the whole human race should go down on its knees.
10:42Show that we're grateful for mornings like these, for the world's in a wonderful way.
10:52On a wonderful day like today.
10:57May I take this occasion to say that the whole human race should go down on its knees.
11:28An amazing thing about Tommy Cooper is he's so dainty for a big man.
11:32He's so dainty.
11:33He's as dainty as a bull in a china shop.
11:35And big.
11:36He's so big.
11:37You know, he's the only fellow I know that has to have a second fit in for a bed.
11:40Really.
11:40And he is and clumsy.
11:43Well, he stayed with me the other night.
11:45You see, we were together for breakfast and the state he got my kitchen in, I cannot tell you.
11:50And all because we couldn't open a bottle of sauce.
11:53All right, Bruce.
11:57I'll get the breakfast.
11:58Oh, let me see that.
12:08Oh, yes.
12:08Let's see.
12:09Oh, yes.
12:21I remember.
12:22That's the table.
12:22Yes, that's the table.
12:23All right.
12:23And that's the egg.
12:25No, that's the egg.
12:26That's the bacon.
12:27That's right.
12:27That's the bacon.
12:28That's the, no, that's the stove.
12:29That's the, no, this is the, no, this is the stove.
12:30Okay.
12:31That's right.
12:32All right.
12:32I'll get this.
12:33Here we are.
12:34Lovely bacon coming up.
12:35Here we are.
12:35Lovely bacon coming up.
12:37Here we are.
12:38Here we are.
12:39Oh, oh, oh.
12:43Bruce!
12:44Your breakfast is ready.
12:45Oh, thanks, Tom.
12:46Oh.
12:47All right.
12:48Here's your egg.
12:50It's bacon.
12:51No, I'm just testing you.
12:51See, sit down.
12:52Go on.
12:55Oh.
12:59Come on, can I get this out?
12:59Nice day.
13:02How can you add a little bit of the stove?
13:03Here's the board egg.
13:04Here's the board egg.
13:05I couldn't get it out.
13:10I couldn't get it out.
13:11Yeah, but you're supposed to leave the, if you leave the, you shouldn't leave the top off.
13:14What's that good?
13:15If you leave the top off, you see, it keeps boiling.
13:18Oh, I see.
13:19Well, that'll stop it.
13:19You're going to get it out.
13:21Oh, dear old.
13:23Yeah, we've got to have that one.
13:24About dear old, dear.
13:26They are dear.
13:27They cost a tan of each, you know.
13:28You put me on your bricks, the way you served it, you know.
13:30I'll just have a glass of milk, I think.
13:33Have a glass of milk.
13:34All right.
13:34A glass of milk.
13:35It's gone a bit.
13:37Hello?
13:39Would you ring back?
13:40We're not on the phone yet.
13:42Give it to me.
13:43All right.
13:44Not on the phone yet.
13:45Let me hang on, Brad.
13:45Hello?
13:52Now look what you've done.
13:53Yeah, well, don't cry with split milk.
13:55I've got another egg.
13:56Split milk?
13:57Yeah, good.
13:59Give it to me.
14:00You've backed up the egg.
14:01I'll get another egg.
14:02All right.
14:02I'll get the egg myself.
14:04I'll get it properly this time.
14:05All right, then.
14:06Like, which is brew here.
14:07Look at it.
14:08Bruce!
14:09Bruce.
14:10There must be another one here somewhere.
14:11What?
14:11I say, Bruce.
14:12Look, when it comes out, you grab the right one, and I grab the left one.
14:17What are you talking about?
14:19Right!
14:20You might have warmed me!
14:30I did!
14:30I did!
14:31Dad!
14:31I did!
14:32Yes!
14:33Up!
14:34Up!
14:34Up!
14:35Up!
14:35Up!
14:36Give it a break of this.
14:37I'm a threat of this.
14:39Shut it, sir.
14:41You grab the right one, I'll glad the next.
14:43Oh, dear.
14:44Where can you go?
14:44There.
14:45There we are, then.
14:46Right.
14:49Give it to me.
14:53You need strong wrists.
14:55Right.
14:56Just a grip, you see.
14:58Strong at it.
14:58I feel so good I could crush a grape with it.
15:05You've got arthritis.
15:08See, it's just...
15:09I should stop you going purple.
15:14Why my table?
15:16It's all right, it loosens it. It lets the air in.
15:19See, it's nothing, look.
15:21Well, that's really meant the air in matters, hasn't it?
15:25I'll do it, I'll do it.
15:26Look, we can do it scientifically, we can do it my way.
15:28I'll do it.
15:29Give me the bottle, give me the bottle.
15:36We didn't think that the milk would mutt the lice up, did we?
15:47Look at that!
15:48Look at that, yeah!
15:56Make airs alive, it goes down.
15:57Now, what does that do?
15:58Well, you see, what?
16:00Oh, yeah, well, this, you see, this heats the top up, then it comes off easy, see?
16:05Well, why does the bottle expand, too, then?
16:07For the simple reason.
16:08It's a scientific fact that metal expands quicker than glass does.
16:12It'll never work.
16:13It's a scientific fact.
16:14No, it won't work.
16:15No, it won't work.
16:16Stop!
16:20Look, you need someone to grip it, just grip it.
16:22Flash down, go, grip it, grip it in the door, you get a good grip at the door.
16:24Go on.
16:25Oh, stop!
16:26Oh!
16:38You like the middle bit?
16:39Right.
16:42Paint that out.
16:43I saw you do it.
16:44Paint that out.
16:46Look, a strong grip like this one, isn't it?
16:48A strong grip.
16:51I've got a stronger door.
16:52I've got off the door.
16:54I've got your stronger soles.
16:55I've got off the soles altogether.
16:56I'm going to have my breakfast without.
16:57Don't let us be this light.
16:58Give it a bit.
16:59No!
17:01If we're going to do it, we'll do it my way.
17:04All right, I'll do it your way.
17:05All right, my way.
17:06Now then.
17:07What am I going to do?
17:08Never mind.
17:09Hold still.
17:10Hold still.
17:11And grip firm.
17:12I'll grip firm.
17:13Firm grip, right?
17:14Here we go.
17:15Now then.
17:22It's coming.
17:23Is it?
17:24Yeah.
17:25What are you doing?
17:26Why don't you stand still?
17:27Are you turning the right way?
17:28There's only one way to open the bottle of sauce, and that's if you turn it...
17:41I'll phone Ronnie Carroll.
17:43What for?
17:44He's always opening bottles.
17:45He'll know.
17:46You'll know.
17:47I'll get Ron.
17:48All right.
17:49I'll get Ron.
17:50He's a long way away, isn't he?
17:54He's back.
17:55Ron, hello, Ron.
17:56No, I don't know how the bird you were with last night.
17:57Look.
17:58Look, will you get me a bottle of sauce, will you?
17:59Just go and get a bottle of sauce.
18:00Fine, fine.
18:01I've gone for a bottle of sauce.
18:02He's gone for a bottle of sauce.
18:03He's gone for a bottle of sauce.
18:04Right.
18:05You got it?
18:06Now, will you take the top off?
18:07Take the top off.
18:08Good.
18:09Now, which way do you turn it?
18:10He's got one with a cork.
18:13I'll go get one with a cork.
18:14No, you won't.
18:15You'll stay here.
18:16Will you get one with a screw top, Ron?
18:18Fine, fine.
18:19Fine, fine.
18:20He's got one with a screw top.
18:21He's got one with a screw top.
18:22He's got one with a screw top.
18:24Right.
18:25You've got the screw top.
18:26You've got one with a screw top.
18:27Right.
18:28Now, take it off.
18:29Now, tell me.
18:30Did you turn it clock-wise or anti-clock-wise?
18:34He's cocked off.
18:37It's half past night.
18:38You haven't got a watch with you, aren't you?
18:40It's half past night.
18:44It's half past night.
18:45I don't want to know the time.
18:46Look.
18:47Towards you or away from you.
18:48That's all I wanted to know.
18:49Fine.
18:50Towards you.
18:51Fine.
18:52Don't lie, Ron.
18:53Towards you.
18:54Towards you.
18:59What are you laughing at?
19:00It's not buzzing.
19:01Of course it won't buzz.
19:02Why not?
19:03Because Ron is left-handed.
19:08Oh, dear, he broke up at wrist.
19:09He said, look, hold it still.
19:10I'm going to get a hammer.
19:11We'll see enough of this.
19:12I won't bash it off.
19:15Morning.
19:16Do you find the shoe?
19:17Do you find the shoe?
19:18Do you find the shoe, is it?
19:19No, not again.
19:22Here we are.
19:26Right, hold it still.
19:27Hold it still up!
19:31You've got it off, Dave.
19:32Well, he just needs strong wrists, that's all.
19:33Oh, yes.
19:34See, it's simple.
19:35Oh, yes.
19:36Milkman was early, wasn't he?
19:37Oh, yes, you.
19:38Ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:56You might have put the top off, Stan.
19:58All right, all right.
20:00If I can see it.
20:03Look at all this.
20:04What's that?
20:05Thank you very much.
20:06I'm most obliged, I'm sure.
20:08They were all right, man.
20:13Now, give me...
20:14You need strong wrists.
20:15That's all.
20:16You need strong wrists, you see?
20:17Just give it like that, though.
20:18We've got to go to that rotten cafe again, haven't we?
20:19What?
20:20It's not my fault!
20:21It's not my fault!
20:22Don't draw again!
20:23Don't draw!
20:24Don't draw!
20:25Thank you so much!
20:26Welcome back, and welcome to part two!
20:28It's his turn now.
20:30Look at him, look!
20:31He doesn't know where he is, does he?
20:32It's always the same before, he doesn't know where he is!
20:33thank you so much welcome back and welcome to part two it's his turn now look at him look he
20:50doesn't know where he is does he he does he's always the same before he doesn't know where
20:55he is and what he's going to say first he's going to start from what he's going to finish on he's
21:01no idea look at mine's a complete blank right now get on with it you're full they're looking at you
21:07get on with it
21:08ah well good evening ladies and gentlemen have i got time for more
21:23what do you mean come off i just come on
21:32enjoying yourselves i put a stop to that
21:37see now i can always tell whether the audience is going to be good or bad
21:42good night
21:43no i tell you what i've come on for tonight really so to talk about memory i'm going to test your
21:51memory that's what i'm going to do really listen to this very very test your memories now see if you
21:55remember who said this now watch this very very closely the owl and the pussycat went to sea in a
21:59beautiful pale green boat now who said that anyone remember who said that you can't remember because
22:04you've got bad memories that's why that's right nobody can tell me who said it all right i'll tell
22:09it was me i just said it now i'll tell you what i do i'll give you another test another test for
22:15memory look two tubes there you see here's the glass of milk none under there one under there now
22:21then which one which tube has the glass of milk now i know you're going to say you're going to say
22:25this one aren't you that's the one you're going to say isn't it but watch because you find you're
22:29right you see that proves your memory is improving all the time you see see i can remember i can
22:37remember all these things because i have such a fun a wonderful memory no really i can remember
22:44anything because i bought this memory book now once you've studied this memory book you'll never
22:48forget a thing now where'd i put it i know what's in it it's all right it's a good book i mean once
22:56you've this memory is wonderful it really is i mean and in memory you've got to have faith as long as
23:00you've got faith in it it's all right it's like the faith healer he said this man he said how's your
23:04brother and this man said he said he's ill and the faith is that no he said he's not ill he said
23:09he only thinks he's ill he said no he's ill and the faith is that no he only thinks he's ill so two
23:13weeks later you met him again he said how's your brother he said he thinks he's dead
23:15now listen now listen it's the old saying i mean they'll say it about memory you see they always
23:33say why does the elephant never forget that's right isn't it and do you know why because he's got nothing
23:40to remember that's the reason now listen to me now now listen pay attention because i know what i'm
23:47talking about i know what i'm talking about a lot of people don't know this but the memory really is
23:51a very highly emotional chord that is initiated by the recollections you see and the physical
23:58or the nervous reaction on any of the intramural sensitivities you see now i don't know what i'm
24:07talking about you're all listening here's the job i remember here's the job i remember a man walks into
24:15a bar and he goes oh because it was an iron bar see i can remember all these things just study this
24:28book see that i got that medal for memory i forgot what i got this one
24:33do you know reading this book it takes me back years and years what i can remember i remember once a man
24:41had a dog and he treated this dog very badly very badly he knew he should give him anything to eat
24:45and no water and yet this faithful dog used to come towards and wag his tail like that slowly towards
24:50him like that that's a faithful dog boy isn't it one day this man went away what was that one day
24:57this man went away for about four months and he didn't give this dog any water or food or nothing
25:03and when he came back there was this faithful dog wagging his tail like that
25:07and he came slowly towards his master and he jumped on him and he ripped him to pieces
25:18it's only because of memory you see how so it is
25:21i mean it's essential to have a good memory so you know exactly what's going on around you
25:25and what's going on around you oh yes this is the memory test under that cloth under there
25:30there's 45 objects is that right love now i don't know what they are they've been put there to test me
25:35now i'm going to lift that cloth cloth at a moment
25:39see i'm going to lift that cloth as i've studied them for about 10 seconds and i shall know every
25:45one what's under there and i have the faintest idea what's under that cloth
25:51who pinched the pen knife
25:54what do you think about nine ten here we all know exactly what's under there now i can remember every item
25:59thank you dear of course you see i remember the time i remember the place but i can't remember
26:05what for though oh yes i remember i did it by the association of ideas i have the ideas and she has
26:12the association you see memory really is like swimming or riding a bike once you've mastered it you never
26:18forget it never you may meddle that you may get it muddled out you know what i mean i remember once when i was
26:23eight years old i was given a bicycle as a present i've gone along on this bike you see and i knocked
26:27an old lady down about 80. knocked her flat she didn't like it and she got up she said to me can't
26:33you ring your bell i said i can ring the bell but i can't ride the bike
26:36and when i got up when i remember i remember this when i got up my arm was like that i remember it
26:49i remember it was like that and it didn't look right to me didn't look right see so they jumped
26:55me to the hospital and the doctor looked at me and said you've broken your arm i said what he said
26:58you've broken your arm i said what is medley can i play the piano he said yes i said that's funny i couldn't
27:02play it before you see it's all up here in the memory box remember always up up here in the memory
27:13box and i can't remember a thing without this what's that oh yes i remember you see if a man wants a
27:21drink you know he knows how he remembers how to lift the glass to his lips like that doesn't he but if
27:26you forget he's in a shocking state terrible state i give you my impression of a man who's lost his memory
27:32right well i always say this always well that ends well
27:43who said that who said that it was me again you're right it was me again here we come the last trick
27:49here we go look here's the pop here's the glass of milk i covered with a tube there right now then
27:54which one has the glass of milk under you're going to send this one again aren't you but watch very
27:57closer you see because you're wrong neither see thank you very much thank you thank you
28:07i have a wonderful memory with a blinkin awful drink good night
28:24thank you thank you very much well how many times you've been to see a musical or a musical comedy
28:30where the hero walks into a library falling falls in love with a librarian and they go into a song and
28:35dance routine you know with the music coming from nowhere but i mean have you ever thought of a
28:39less likely place to go into a song and dance routine i mean this couldn't happen in real life
28:43and fall in love with the librarian i mean i couldn't fall in love with my local librarian he's a nice
28:48fella but you know fall in love with ginger air you know not my type at all anyway i thought i'd go
28:54into this library and just show you that these musicals and musical comedies we see they're not true to life
29:00just have a look excuse me miss
29:12excuse me miss
29:14i bet this finishes up with a song and dance have you got any noddy books
29:27a b c d e f g i never learned to spell at least not well
29:44one two three four five six seven i never learned to count a great amount
29:49but my busy mind is burning to use what learning i've got i won't waste any time i'll strike while the iron
30:03one is hard if they ask me i could write a book about the way you walk and whisper and look
30:23i could write a preface on how we just met that this world
30:31i would never forget and the simple secret of the part is just tell them that i love you a lot
30:50and the world discovers and the world discovers as my bookends how to lay to lovers
31:12miss the world
31:18i will never forget to file in the room
31:21my life is still there
31:22and i will never forget to the world
31:27哪h
31:28you
31:29and i will never forget to be a part of this
31:33and the world seems to be
31:35and the world seems to be
33:07I don't understand why your stuff don't sell no more, mate.
33:10Really, I don't.
33:11It is Joanne Sebastian Batch, isn't it?
33:13Ah.
33:14Wolf, anything to oblige.
33:17Look, if you want an autograph, mate, you'll have to apply for it in the usual way.
33:22I'm busy.
33:22All right, then.
33:23All the crap?
33:24All right.
33:24Don't you recognize me, mate?
33:26Just bustin' me all over.
33:28Look.
33:29Look at the profile.
33:33Mozart.
33:34Wolfgang Amathias.
33:37Very pleased to meet you.
33:38We've never met.
33:39Nice to meet you.
33:40To me, you're the chops, mate.
33:41Oh, to me, too.
33:43How are you getting on?
33:43I loved your sippens, by the way.
33:45What was that?
33:46I said I loved your sippens.
33:47Oh, lovely girl.
33:48Lovely girl.
33:49Yeah.
33:49By the way, do you work your smoke tips?
33:51Uh, no.
33:52I don't see the point to reinvent fags to put on the end of them.
33:55But, uh, what can I do for you anyway, Moe, my boy?
33:57Well, I thought we might sort of get together, do a little collaboration job.
34:01Just the two of us.
34:01There's a big market for you and me.
34:03Oh, no.
34:03My book's a fool, mate.
34:04You don't have to worry about me.
34:06Oh, what are you doing, then?
34:07What are you up to?
34:07Well, uh, it's this, uh, it's this Walter music.
34:10It's, for a start, what George III's, uh, wanting.
34:14Uh, they put it out to me and another fellow.
34:16What's his handle?
34:17Handle.
34:20See what I mean?
34:21No musical knowledge whatsoever.
34:22No musical knowledge at all.
34:24Don't know his bass from his oboe.
34:25Look.
34:26What about sitting down and working something I ain't like?
34:30Well, then, you take the other up, say, cowboy, and we'll try and have a go at something, shall we?
34:35Oh, it's die bath all of a sudden.
34:39Oh, now, boy, sit down, boy.
34:40All right, then.
34:41See if you can do something.
34:42Well, work out something.
34:43There must be something for us, isn't it?
34:44Right.
34:45Um.
34:49Huh?
34:49Do you mind?
34:57Oh, man, I'm trying to work something out here.
35:01Oh, I'm sorry.
35:02I'm sorry.
35:03It's all right, then.
35:04What does it mean to interfere with what you were doing?
35:05It's all right.
35:06Just keep it a bit quiet, I would all.
35:07I'm sorry, Jo.
35:09No offense, mate.
35:10All right, then.
35:11All right.
35:11All right.
35:11All right.
35:13Why do you keep on doing that?
35:26I don't know.
35:26It just seems to fit, that's all.
35:28It just seems to fit.
35:29You must be out of your tiny German name.
35:32All right.
35:33You try, then.
35:34You play and come to the bar.
35:35I'll do the echo bit, and I bet it fits, and I bet it works out.
35:38This could go right to the top, Jo.
35:39You think so?
35:40Yeah.
35:40All right, then.
35:41Have a go, then.
35:42Right?
35:43You've got to fit something.
36:09The kids can dance to.
36:10You're right.
36:11Well, look, you improvise a bit, Jo,
36:13and I'll sort of do a bit of movement,
36:14see what the kids are like, you know.
36:16All right, then.
36:16See if it goes together.
36:17All right, then.
36:17All right, then.
36:17Have a go.
36:18After three.
36:19Three.
36:19I was with you, Jo, I was there.
36:34Forget it, Wolfgang.
36:35You know, it's...
36:37What's the use of trying to copy all these youngsters?
36:39You know, we're past it.
36:40Let's stick to a good old standard, like that Sinatra.
36:45Sinatra?
36:45Yes, you know the one, don't you?
36:51I've heard that Sinatra, yeah.
36:54That's a good little tune.
36:55That's a standard little going for years.
36:57They'll still be buying copies of that year, isn't it?
36:58Exactly.
36:59What about this one, anyway?
37:00Oh, I am yours, you are mine,
37:11but why are you a rotten twine?
37:13Hey, that's nice.
37:15Yeah, that's a nice...
37:16You've got a lovely lyric there,
37:18but it's a nothing tune.
37:19It's a nothing tune.
37:20You don't like the tune?
37:20That tune will never mean anything.
37:22Keep the lyric, but scrap the tune.
37:23You want the summit there, though?
37:24You want the summit.
37:25Yeah.
37:25What about this one, then?
37:26That's cute, isn't it?
37:30You see, it suits your piscord, doesn't it?
37:32Trumpet.
37:33Where?
37:34Trumpet!
37:42Don't you think of nothing else, Joe!
37:44Please don't have to shout at me, boy.
37:46Goodness gracious, why don't you produce something?
37:47You haven't produced a note yet.
37:49I don't suppose you could either.
37:50Don't you talk to me!
37:53Like that, you long-haired jack.
37:54I'd rather be a hack than an as-been.
38:03As-been?
38:04I-as-been!
38:05Who wrote the 1812 Overture, mate?
38:07You told me you wrote the 1812 Overture.
38:09You did.
38:10Yeah, and it's only 1792.
38:11You couldn't be further ready at your time in that,
38:13could you, mate?
38:14All right, then.
38:15Sit down at the after-court and put you on something, man.
38:16All right, all right, all right.
38:17I've had a little finger round my brain all day,
38:19and I bet between this we could make something of it.
38:21Well, get it out, then, boy.
38:22It's a nice little jingle.
38:23It's a jingle.
38:23It's a jingle.
38:24It's a jingle.
38:27It's a jingle.
38:32All right, try that again.
38:34See, it's a jingle, isn't it?
38:35It's a jingle.
38:37Goodbye, goodbye, we're leaving you.
38:41We don't want any concert party stuff, do we?
38:44It's not that kind of thing.
38:45It's more gentle than that.
38:47It's a jingle.
38:47Now, and the bossa nova's gone as well.
38:53Look, be gentle, we're giving an arpeggio or two, is it?
38:59That's it, then.
39:00All we need now is a lyric.
39:01I've got the lyric, I've got the lyric, Joe.
39:02Hold on.
39:03I've got the lyric.
39:03I've got the lyric, I've got the lyric.
39:04Hello, doll, hello, doll, hello, you lovely dolly.
39:09I am yours and you are mine.
39:12Why are you a rotten?
39:13Oh, no, no, no.
39:14Hey, hey, hey!
39:16What's any lyric you've got, Joe?
39:19Oh, bro, it's a good lyric, but don't vlog it, mate.
39:22All right, then, no lyric, I don't mind.
39:24Well, let's just do it as an instrumental, but we'll certainly give it an up-tempo feel.
39:30Back body.
39:32Faster, Joe, faster.
39:34Thanks.
39:35Thanks.
39:36One, two, three, four.
39:54Come on, Joe, talk to me, Joe, talk to me.
40:04Come on, Joe.
40:06I've got the title.
40:18We call it the Mojo Impromptu.
40:19No.
40:20No, let's call it Bram Lullaby.
40:23What's that?
40:23Well, that's what everyone else is going to call it, you see.
40:26Welcome back, and welcome to part three.
40:53Hey, it's his turn now.
40:58He's another one.
40:59He doesn't know what it's all about, does he?
41:00Look, look.
41:02What could he play?
41:02A few popular choruses, get them all singing.
41:05Lithered like that, but I think she's the only one who'd go along with it.
41:08The minute waltz, he'd never learn to.
41:10No, he can't do that.
41:11Play, you fool, you've been watched.
41:13Play, you idiot.
41:14Play!
41:14A few people.
41:16Let's go.
41:24Welcome back.
41:27Hello.
41:28Come back.
41:28Go home.
41:30Come back.
44:30Sorry, sorry. How'd you do?
44:33Who did you want?
44:36Deirdre.
44:39She's inviting me to dinner.
44:40Pity.
44:41Yeah, shame.
44:44Evening.
44:45What are you up to then?
44:46What are you up to then?
45:06Yoga. I find it does me good.
45:08Oh, yes, I find it exhilarating myself, yeah.
45:12Oh, Deirdre. Hello, darling. Nice to see you.
45:14Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Deirdre.
45:17Well, do I look like Deirdre?
45:18From there to there, the spitting image.
45:21Well, I'm looking for a two-year-old, isn't she?
45:24Well, according to this one, she's...
45:26Oh, is she in there, really? I'll go and tell you you're here.
45:32It's a madhouse here, a madhouse. I mean, all this chaos. How am I going to have dinner?
45:38And I'm starving, hungry.
45:40I say, dear, can you tell me where, uh, where Deirdre is?
45:43Oh, she's got the Bermuda blues down there.
45:45Deirdre! Deirdre! Are you a...
45:48Oh, hello, dear, racist. Hello, dear, dear.
45:54Are you Deirdre?
45:55Oh, thank goodness for that. I'm glad you're not.
45:59What's that? She can't move her face.
46:03What's she on about, dear?
46:05Oh, forget it.
46:07Oh, you want a book?
46:08There's a book there, dear.
46:10Oh, yeah, your hands are a bit like it as well, I see.
46:13Yes, you have to do it the full bit, aren't you now?
46:15Fine, fine, good.
46:16Uh, Deirdre! Deirdre!
46:19What's the matter now?
46:21Oh, shut up! Can't you see I'm having an intelligent conversation?
46:25That you butted in?
46:26Oh, you want a page, sir?
46:27All right, now, there we are.
46:28It's a pretty picture, pretty picture.
46:30Fine.
46:40Yes, I've never heard that one myself.
46:41It's a good one.
46:43Deirdre!
46:44Deirdre, how you well?
46:45Look!
46:45What man and mummess and wicked does not crave my own thing?
46:49I never said a word.
46:50I'm just studying my lines.
46:52Yes, so am I.
46:54I can see through these.
46:56Are you Deirdre?
46:57Do I look like Deirdre?
46:59I haven't got to your face yet.
47:00Oh, sorry, yes.
47:01No, you're not, Deirdre.
47:01I'm sorry.
47:02Yeah, all right, be patient.
47:04There's another picture.
47:05Fine.
47:06Oh, Deirdre, darling.
47:08Nice to see you.
47:09Oh.
47:09Fine.
47:10And what about my dinner?
47:11I'm cooking you a lovely steak.
47:13Won't be a minute.
47:13Oh, good.
47:13Well, hurry up, because I'm so, so hungry.
47:16I'm starving.
47:17Hungry?
47:17I'm having a piece of pie.
47:18Oh, oh, thank you very much.
47:19It's all right.
47:20I'm going on.
47:21Over the way.
47:21Hey, what are you doing that for?
47:24What about your dinner?
47:25Well, when we go on, we don't have a nice, we can't have you on it.
47:29What?
47:31Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
47:33Mm-mm-mm.
47:35Well, put it down.
47:37No, I'm certainly, certainly.
47:38Yes, I do.
47:39Yes, all right.
47:40I'll set down the boy, dear.
47:41Don't worry, darling.
47:42Who's got my other stocking?
47:45Oh, one of you has it.
47:46I haven't got your stockings, dear me, no.
47:48For goodness sake.
47:49Love, you're in the way.
47:50All right, love, love.
47:51Ow!
47:56Well, never mind.
47:57They'll drive five minutes in the dryer.
47:59Yeah, well, I'm on the stand in a drying machine.
48:01Don't be silly.
48:02Take them off.
48:03What, here?
48:04Oh, yes, of course.
48:05Don't be ridiculous.
48:05You see enough of us at the show.
48:07I don't.
48:07I mean, do I?
48:09Come on, now.
48:09Well, look.
48:10Well, I'll go in the corner.
48:11I'll go in the corner.
48:19All right, here.
48:21Don't worry.
48:21I'll turn your plate over here.
48:23I haven't seen anything about it.
48:26I hope they don't raid the joint.
48:27I'll be here.
48:41Well, it's a bit of a wound.
48:42It's just my shirt, I suppose.
48:43I don't know any point in the stall.
48:45Hey, wait, hey.
48:46Was that all that stones at my dinner?
48:48Oh, no, that's all right.
48:50It's not your steak.
48:51It's your trousers.
48:52Oh, good.
48:52Miss Trousers?
48:54Yes, that's a steak.
48:56Oh, no.
48:57Do you like it well done?
48:58Well, I'll have to, won't I?
49:01Oh, dear.
49:05Well, if you turn up for dinner, mate,
49:07you can either have burnt steak
49:08or singe my wear trousers.
49:10Aren't you, Rudy?
49:11I'll bust my tight and give it to the turn-up.
49:14Oh, no.
49:15Oh, I'm not wasting your time away.
49:18Anybody else want to come to dinner?
49:25How about you, lovely?
49:32Me?
49:33Well, you're the only one who's ready.
49:37Oh, yeah.
49:38Well, all right.
49:38Well, you know, anything for a free meal,
49:40but I've got to be owned by half past 11
49:42and no nonsense.
49:46Oh.
49:48Hi.
49:49Good to hear you, yeah.
49:50Some fellas like to tiptoe
50:17through the tulips.
50:24Some fellas go on
50:28singing in the rain.
50:35Some fellas like to paint
50:39the skies with sunshine.
50:46Some fellas go on
50:49swinging down the lane.
50:57But I'm biding my time
51:02cause that's the kind of guy I am.
51:07While others go dizzy
51:10I keep busy
51:13biding my time.
51:16Next year
51:21Maybe next year
51:25Something's bound to happen
51:29This year
51:32Oh yes, this year
51:35I'll just keep on nappin'
51:40I only know what I know
51:46And the passing years will show
51:51You've kept my love so young
51:57So new
52:04And time after time
52:09I'll tell myself
52:12That I
52:17biding my time
52:21Cause that's the kind of guy
52:24I am
52:26Beginning on Monday
52:29Right through Sunday
52:31Right through Sunday
52:32Biding
52:34Biding
52:36Kinda
52:38Gliding
52:40Biding
52:42Biding
52:44Biding
52:46Biding my time
52:48Biding my time
52:50After time
52:53Biding my time
52:57Open
52:58Biding
53:01Yeah
53:03Thank you
53:05Yaaah
53:08hair
53:09You rail
53:15What do you feel like here there?
53:16Well I'm
53:17I feel fine
53:18Well, I feel like an idiot.
53:22Stand up, stand up.
53:23Oh, you are standing.
53:28Do you know what I'm going to do?
53:29What?
53:30I'm not going to do the finale.
53:31Oh, no, I don't mind.
53:32I'm not going to do it.
53:33Why?
53:34Well, like this, I feel silly.
53:35I'm not going to do it.
53:36When he comes out here, when that Bruce comes out,
53:38I'm going to tell her that we are not going to do it.
53:41That's it.
53:42What do you mean?
53:43We're not going to do it.
53:44That's it.
53:45We're not going to do it.
53:46All right?
53:47I'm glad you look marvelous.
53:48All dressed up for the finale.
53:49You, the dance great.
53:50Tell him.
53:51Tell him what you said.
53:54Tell him.
53:55Don't be afraid.
53:56Tell him what you said.
53:57Tell him what you said.
53:58Tell him.
53:59Tell him.
54:00We're not going to do the dance, Bruce.
54:02You're not going to do the dance?
54:04I've spent hours teaching you a dance
54:06and you're not going to do it?
54:12Tom's dying to do the dance, Tom.
54:14Of course I'm not going to do the dance.
54:15What are you talking about?
54:16You are a complete troublemaker.
54:17You are complete troublemaker.
54:18Who's complete troublemaker?
54:19Who's complete troublemaker?
54:20You're joking.
54:21Get over the finale.
54:22I'm surprising you, Daddy.
54:23You're a nasty little man.
54:24I'm not going to do it.
54:25I'm not going to do it.
54:26I'm not going to do it.
54:27I'm not going to do it.
54:28You are giving me you a kiss.
54:30I'm not going to do it.
54:31I'm good.
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